Community S1E25 Script

Pascal's Triangle Revisited (2010)

Thanks for a great year. You got it.

Mr. Winger. I hope you will be seizing the day this summer.

Thanks, Professor Whitman. And I hope you'll be seizing a more contemporary movie.

Looking good, Leonard. Stroke or tai chi?

Tai chi. Keep it up.

And keep up whatever it is you're doing, Garrett.

It's called chillaxing. Duh.

Hey-hey, what's up, Jeff? Hi.

Hello, good morning, howdy.

Wait, Jeff. I'll walk with you.

I'll see you. Okay.

Uh, I got class in, like, five hours, so...

All right, I'll see you, babe. Sayonara.

Can't believe I made it through my first year of college.

I finally get to click "send" on so many I-told-you-so e-mails.

Yeah, it's pretty great. Not much could ruin today.

Hi. Oh, shoot.

I forgot saying that summons him.

Will you two be attending tomorrow's transfer ceremony to send off all the students leaving for so-called real schools?

There's a formal dance afterward.

How many dances is this school gonna have?

Five. If you come to all of them, you get one of these.

I assumed your whole posse would be coming to the dance, having heard the exciting news about Britta.

Banana rhino.

Banana Sam Elliott.

LeVar Banana Burton.

Banana King Tut. Here, give me that.

It's more like this.

Banana penis.

Sure you would've loved it if he did it.

What?

What's happened to you and me, Troy?

Remember how hard we laughed when we first heard the term

"teacher's aids?" Yeah.

And then we found out a teacher did have AIDS.

So, what's everybody doing this summer?

I'm taking the boys on a trip.

Money is tight, so I hope I can convince them for one more year that motels are tiny little theme parks.

Yeah, I got to find a new place to live.

My dad wants me to leave the nest so he feels less weird that his girlfriend is 20.

You could live in a pyramid.

Oh, wait.

Abed. Your dorm room's got a bunk bed, right?

Yep.

Um, everyone has to go to the transfer dance tomorrow.

I'm going. My friend Gary's transferring.

Oh, good! Finally.

I hope he transfers to hell.

More importantly, our very own Britta Perry, it turns out, has been nominated for transfer queen.

Oh, that's nice.

What the hell is a transfer queen?

It's like prom queen. You wear a sash, there's a vote.

If you win, they put a crown on your head.

And I am so jealous, I want to murder you.

Aren't you excited? No.

How did I get nominated? Don't let it upset you, Britta.

It's the last day of semester. Nothing can ruin that.

Hi!

Amazing. He's like an evil genie.

Just spreading the news.

Some folks say "transfer formal" isn't really rolling off the tongue, so we're just gonna call it the tranny dance.

Much more Greendale.

♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay ♪

What kind of community college has a prom?

Proms weren't even cool in high school.

It's that kind of crap that made me drop out in the first place.

You know, you don't actually have to lie on a sofa like it's a Woody Allen movie.

Thank you for telling me that in the last session, dumb-ass.

Now, look, there are bugs on the windshield of your mind, you may never be able to squeegee, like a certain birthday party attended by a rather enterprising transient in a dinosaur costume.

But there are other more recent streaks that you might yet be able to wipe clear, like your adolescent fear of being a so-called blow-up doll.

I really think this nomination may actually help that.

You think I'd feel better about myself if I got all sexed up, went over there, and really tried to be crowned queen of the dingbats?

Precisely. Wow.

I guess you really get what you pay for with free therapy.

Ouch. That stung a little bit. Thanks.

Ugh.

I'll save you some time.

He listens to you talk for a year, then recommends a makeover.

Don't wear as much lipstick as you did on Valentine's Day.

Your mouth looked like a coin purse.

Señor Chang, Greendale's foremost, if only, Spanish teacher.

What can I do for you?

I am actually a student now.

But I was thinking, as a teacher, and as my friend, um, if you could help me... cheat my way through school.

I have a counterproposal.

How about I point out to you we've never actually been friends, then laugh at your very well-deserved misfortune?

Let's just try that a second.

No, Jorge, you killed it. Are you going to Abed's kegger?

Heck, yeah. You know it, jefe.

You probably don't wanna talk to me.

It's not junior high.

We're mature adults, Michelle. We can talk.

I think I handled our breakup poorly.

Before I respond to that, I'll have to take an extra-strength vitamin duh.

Duh.

We started getting serious and I got scared.

It's possible I made a mistake.

Maybe we can talk about it sometime.

I miss you.

Mm-mm.

Why don't you take a picture? It'll last longer.

Cool.

Dope kegger. Thanks.

It's funny.

You know, I spend so much time here, I forget that we don't live together.

Then I think, "What if we lived together?"

I'm gonna check on the other keg.

Hey, Troy, you ever seen one of these? It's called a beer bong.

You're not supposed to inhale though.

I almost died outside.

Why does Abed hate me?

What, are you kidding? Look at him. He probably hates America.

Hey, babe. Baby, guess what.

Your boyfriend just got offered a spot on the number one community college Hacky Sack team in the nation.

Oh, my God, sweetie. I'm assuming that's huge.

Of course it's huge. Are you kidding me?

I mean, you know. I'm not into fame and stuff, but I could be the next Vngwe Mackadangdang, Jr.

I know.

There's just one thing, mountain flower, that's that the, uh, school's in Delaware.

Thank you.

You know, if you don't go to this dance tomorrow, we're not gonna see each other for months.

It's not a Jane Austen novel. We have cell phones.

What? Ah... Oh. Oh, jeez, sorry.

What are you doing?

You had hair I was gonna move.

You were gonna move my hair? I don't know.

Have you ever thought of yourself as a guarded person, Britta?

Am I? Watch.

Ow. See? It's alarming, right?

Right?

Oh. Oh, Professor Slater, hi. What are you doing here?

Oh, you know, end of the year, randomly wandering.

Hi, Jeff.

Are you two...?

No.

The two of you aren't...? No.

No, just friends. Same here.

Good, for you.

Will I see you at the dance, Britta?

Kind of obligated, seeing as I'm nominated for queen, so...

Oh. I thought you were all into female empowerment.

What's more empowering than a woman in a crown?

Just did my first keg stand.

Ha-ha! Can't feel my legs.

♪ Dancing in your underwear ♪

♪ Taking air conditioner Repair ♪

♪ So you can get a job ♪

♪ Greendale's the way it goes ♪

Whoo!

Our original school song by the venerable Pierce Hawthorne.

He made that up. Hmm?

Everyone remember to vote before the coronation.

The nominees are identified with sashes that say, "tranny queen."

By the way, we do offer summer classes, which are a great way to, um...

Um... Broaden your mind. Have fun.

Hi. You're here for me. Guys. Guys.

Vaughn got recruited to a college in Delaware.

I'm gonna go with him for the summer.

Finally, a classic last-day-of-school plot twist.

He's gonna be the next Vngwe Mackadangdang, Jr.

It's a Hacky Sack guy.

Hey, you don't have to tell us who Ingmar Mackadingdong, Jr. is. Hmm.

Jeff, help me with some refreshments.

Please don't tell anyone until after I'm gone.

I'm not just going to Delaware for the summer.

I'm transferring with Vaughn.

What? When did you decide that?

I spent three months researching backpacks before I chose the one that I use now.

I don't want to be that person anymore.

I want to live in the moment.

For your and Vaughn's sake, I hope it works out.

But on behalf of the rest of the group, I hope it's a catastrophe.

You better visit.

Whoa. I can't believe nobody's taken this cookie.

Señor Chang, is there a word in Spanish for someone who used to pretend to be a professor but was a teacher, but wasn't actually a teacher, and is now a student?

Is there a word for that? Oh.

If it was in Spanish, you wouldn't know, would you?

Bup-bup-bup.

Hit a professor, you'll get expelled.

I will find a loophole.

Oh. Good luck with that.

Then I'll kill you.

Dudley Moore.

Spray tan.

I'd go easy on that punch if I was you.

I've put in a little...

Hot person, hot people.

The two of them coming this way. Which one do you want?

Hi, Jeff. Hi, Jeff.

Oh! Oh.

Britta, you look great. Such a stunning improvement.

Wow, you look gorgeous. It must've taken all day.

Oh, Jeff, you've got a...

Oh. It's right there.

Guys, guys, cleanest face ever.

Hey, am I okay?

Yes. Yeah.

You know, Troy, uh, our study group, after all we've been through, we got to stick together.

You, me, and Jeff and Rain Man, and big boobs and medium boobs and black boobs.

We're a family.

What's your point?

I've been looking at your situation, and I'd like to make an offer.

Okay.

Am I black boobs?

Last call.

Study over.

What are you doing? Giving things a finale vibe.

Well, how's this for a finale vibe?

Pierce asked me to move in with him, in his mansion.

More of a spin-off vibe, but you should do it.

I thought we were friends. We are. Best friends.

That's why we shouldn't be roommates. We'll end up fighting and putting a masking tape line down the middle of our room.

We just won't get masking tape.

Troy, you should live with someone who you like but whose friendship wouldn't be altered because of constant irritation, that's Pierce.

If you and I move in, we jump the shark.

That will end it. Maybe you're ending it.

Oh, and for the record, there was an episode of Happy Days where a guy literally jumped over a shark.

And it was the best one.

I think I'm winning.

Winning tranny queen. Yeah.

So, uh, isn't it nice that Jeff and Slater are getting back together?

What? Aha. And psych!

But they will get back together if you don't stop competing with her and start communicating with Jeff.

She already has a head start. They slept together.

Holy macaroni with pepperjack.

When? Where?

During paintball in the study room with Colonel Mustard. Does it matter?

Now it does matter. Where in the study room?

On the couches.

We use those. Oh, get over it.

I've seen you shake the dean's hand.

Who knows where he's been?

Do you believe in soul mates? Uh-huh.

Um, okay. Now, don't be mad at me.

I didn't think more than one person would answer the ad.

Yes, dream coming true.

You guys are leaving already?

Yeah. Got to be in Delaware by tomorrow night.

Hey.

I'll see you soon.

Have a good summer.

I'll see you in the fall, Annie. Mm.

We're gonna miss you. You're the one that didn't want me in the study group.

Come on, that's not true. Yeah, none of us did.

I say things others won't. That has value.

Well, bye.

See you. Lates.

Good evening, Michelle.

Or may I say, Meow-chelle?

Who has your car keys? They're in the taco meat.

Now, what say you and I blow this pop stand, and head off for a spot of slap and tickle?

I mean sex, in case the lingo hasn't made it to the States.

I think I'm probably leaving here with Jeff.

Really? I'm sorry.

I just assumed you two were done, since, uh, ahem, Jeff and Britta did, uh, the yankee doodle.

Don't tell me that didn't make it to the States.

It clearly originated here.

Okay, we finished tallying all 36 votes, so everyone get ready.

Yo, Goldilocks. Drop the smirk.

I know about your grungy tumble, and I'm sure it was the highlight of your diary but it was during a pit stop in something real.

You were the pit stop.

He used you to numb the pain of not getting with me.

Jeff needs a girl who doesn't just not wear underwear because Oprah told her it would spice things up.

He needs a girl who doesn't wear underwear because she hasn't done laundry in three weeks.

He's been to flavor country now.

They should retire the table we did it on.

Table? Miss Britta Perry.

Oh, I'm sorry. I have to go.

I just won a contest for being hot.

Oh, wow.

This is a huge honor.

This may come as a surprise to you, but I've never actually won anything before.

Okay, well, you still haven't.

I'm just listing the nominees, so not a great time to get cocky.

Okay. Christine Hollinsworth.

Britney Baker.

Miss Danielle Harman.

Amy Sm...

Jeff Winger, do not get back with Slater.

I love you.

Psst, psst. Britta. Britta.

Your lipstick looks better.

Hey, man. How's it going?

Uh, don't shoot the messenger but everyone at this dance is kind of waiting for your reaction to all this.

Look, I'm trying to think, okay?

Yeah, that's cool. Take your time.

How's it going? You look great.

Very Fatal Attraction.

Oh. Thanks.

What's wrong with you? I'm sick.

I don't know why.

Have you considered the 60-inch diameter cookie you're eating?

How can something that's delicious make me sick?

Unless too much of a good thing is actually a bad thing.

My friendship with Abed is a giant cookie.

I kinda got my own thing going on now.

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

First of all, I'm flattered.

Second, have you ever heard of e-mail?

You love me?

Do you love me?

I have something to say.

Jeff, I love you.

Ugh. I wonder where she got that from.

I'm sorry. Do you have a patent on loving people?

Would you like a patent in getting your ass kicked?

Okay, okay.

Can you stand over there?

And can you sit down, please?

Jeffrey, choose Britta. Yeah, Team Britta.

Britta's lame.

Team Slater.

Bring Conan back.

It's been, uh, a great year.

Can't hear you. No one can hear you.

I'm just gonna sneak right up here and give you this.

Uh... Hi, it's, uh...

Oh, come on, who are you choosing?

I... I don't know.

Oh.

Come on, Jeffrey.

Everybody close their faces.

He's got a lot on his mind. Leave him alone.

I got it from here.

My name is Professor Ian Duncan, and I would like to rap for you.

No. Drop a beat.

♪ My name is Ian Duncan And I'm here to say ♪

♪ I'm going to rap to the beat In a rapping way ♪

♪ I've got a real big penis And I drink lots of tea ♪ Okay, okay. No, no. You know what, Duncan?

That's enough. You have a problem.

Oh. I have a problem? Yes.

Who is it here who has a Dalmatian fetish?

Oh, okay. Okay.

That is an oversimplification, and you are suspended.

Oh, come on.

You're not a teacher anymore.

What's this? A roll of quarters. Why?

Friends, help me, friends.

I'll do it. I'll move in with you.

Fantastic, buddy.

Why don't you come over on Saturday, and my tailor will fit you for a uniform?


I thought you left.

I couldn't go.

What happened? I guess, as we were driving away, I finally started living in the moment and I realized that, in the moment, Greendale is where I belong.

What are you doing out here?

Oh, you know, Britta and Slater told me they loved me.

Really? Yeah.

What did you do? I ran away.

I don't know. It's hard.

Slater makes me feel like I do when I write my New Year's resolutions.

She makes me feel like the guy I want to be.

And Britta makes me feel like the guy I am three weeks after New Year's, when I'm back to hitting my snooze button and screening my Mom's phone calls.

Back to who I really am.

So do you try to evolve, or do you try to know what you are?

I don't know.

I wish I could live two lives.

One of me would go with Vaughn, one of me could stay here.

One of me could be back with Slater, and the other could try it with Britta.

Then we could all get together for some weird foursome.

Um, I guess I gotta go deal with it.

Good luck.

Um, I'm glad you're staying.


Oh, my God. I'm finally popular enough to be in the yearbook.

What do you mean video yearbook? Where do I sign?

Photo not available.

This better not be one of those take-your-top-off videos.

I don't believe in yearbooks.

I just want people to remember there's a guy in between these things.

What a year. Only two pregnancy scares.

I give this year a D for delightful.

I can't believe I spent 10 bucks on this.

I don't know any of these people.