Community S1E9 Script

Debate 109 (2009)

So then the guy says to the housekeeper:

"Make sure she's dead." Stop me if you've heard this.

Would've been nice to have that option 27 minutes ago.

The housekeeper says, "We don't have a pool."

And the guy says... Good morning, Greendale.

Just a reminder, our debate team will bring home the championship tomorrow versus City College.

Go, Human Beings.

Great, now I gotta start the whole joke over again.

Okay, so this... No! I've got one for you.

A doddering old fool walks into a bar, tells a stupid joke, and I crush his windpipe with my three-ringed binder.

I don't get it. Britta's giving up cigarettes.

Don't tell. I'll slap that look off your pointy face.

I'm saying this because I care and you're my friend.

You need to start smoking again. I think you should.

You lose weight, your skin looks great.

I appreciate your support, but I've got to quit.

You thought about hypnotherapy?

I know a hypnotherapist. Ten-to-one says it's him.

His name is Pierce Hawthorne. And I'm very effective.

Can you help me block out people's voices I find extremely annoying?

Jeff, she's right there.

Pierce, I would be grateful for your help.

You would? Super. I'll set it up.

What? I feel bad for him. Plus, I just yelled at him.

You yelled at me too. Oh.

Did I hurt your feelings? Wow. Wow.

Have you seen the film department's website?

What do you think?

All of Abed's films are about us.

What? Check it out.

What else is new?

Jeff. Hola.

Jeff, stop being so relaxed. We need to talk to you about...

You're living out of your car.

Why are you living out of your car?

Those people look just like us. That's eerie.

Fine, it's true. I'm living out of my car.

And I don't want anyone's help.

We had that exact conversation last week.

But Abed posted this video two weeks ago.

That boy is a soothsayer.

This is wrinkling my brain.

This is wrinkling my brain.

That's wrinkling my brain.

Get a load of these wrinkles.

Who's that old guy? Hi. I'm Pierce Hawthorne.

Oh, come on.

♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay ♪ There he is. Oh, Mr. Winger, hold on.

Did you hear my announcement? I hang on every word.

I assume that's sarcasm.

Correct. You didn't hear?

I'm barely listening now. Oh, okay.

My debate partner dropped out. We need you for championship.

Jeffrey, as debate coach, I'm offering you an opportunity to spend a night drinking from the cup of life rather than romancing your nether regions.

Who better than a former lawyer to really stick it to those City College snobs and their star debater Simmons?

Mmm. Pass.

Okay, no, no, no. Wait. Okay, no, no, no. Look.

Listen, jerk wad. I'm sorry, that got heated.

Greendale needs a win.

The best compliment our sports program gets is our basketball team is gay.

So, what's it gonna take?

A plum parking space? Free meals?

A night of companionship, if you know what I mean?

I'll do it for the parking space.

If you promise not to tell me what you mean.

All right. Yeah. Pierce, thank you.

I appreciate you helping me out.

And I appreciate the opportunity.

Sometimes I think people don't take me seriously.

What are you gonna do?

Wave a pocket watch in front of my face and tell me I'm getting very sleepy.

No. Just checking the time.

Close your eyes, keep them closed.

And listen to the soothing sound of my voice.

The only word that will bring you out is

"gorilla."

Okay, now, focus on the rhythm of your own breathing.

And when you feel the desire to light up a cigarette you will associate these urges with things that disgust you.

Bad tasting food, sex with men, wearing attractive clothing, and...

Oh, God, I think I really hurt myself.

Somebody help me.

Oh! Britta, wake up.

Why did I put you under so well?

Damn my talents. Aah!

The topic for the debate is, "Are people inherently good or evil?"

When do you want to get together to strategize?

Annie, I was a lawyer.

I was a debater for money. I think I can handle this.

How was hypnotherapy?

He fell down, screamed, I laid with eyes closed to make him feel like a good hypnotherapist.

This will never end. It's already done.

He just wants one more session.

♪ Wah-waah ♪ Where's Abed? Need to talk about his films.

He is prescient. He can read minds.

I know what you'll say. Watched my movies?

He's a witch. Get him.

Not a witch, a student of human character.

I know you guys all so well I can predict your behavior.

Like, Shirley, I know you're a sweet, Christian, generous person.

Oh, that's nice. Oh, that's nice.

I know you have rage issues.

Careful, boy. Oh! Careful, boy.

Here, check this out.

May I? Yeah.

Jeff's character acts like nothing affects him.

Things bother him more than he lets on.

I'm top of the class. Gaah!

He's also very vain.

Ridiculous.

Ohh.

Why am I crying? Will I listen to "Come Sail Away" by Styx?

Don't worry, it's just a movie. I can't predict the future.

I hurt my leg. Ah!

What up, happy people?

You tell me my future right now, evil wizard.

I think your shirt's trying to get out of your pants.

As Golding's Lord of the Flies demonstrates, man, when left to his own devices, will descend into chaos and evil.

And now, from City College, Jeremy Simmons.

Jeremy. Jeremy.

Jeremy. Jeremy.

There were 23,000 kidney donations in America last year.

Man is good.

The average life expectancy for a man in a community is 23 years longer than a man alone.

Man is good.

And just 10 minutes ago, a bald, bespectacled man held the door for a man in a wheelchair.

Man is good.

Oh. I hate this guy.

By the end of this debate I will prove with facts and data that man is inherently good.

Little trick for achieving the competitive mind set.

I always envision my opponent having aggressive sex with my mother.

This feels so formal.

Let's just talk.

People are evil. They can't help it.

I didn't catch your name.

It's Jean. Take Jean here.

She spent a lot of time this morning making herself look so lovely.

Tell me, how many people told you how great you look?

None. Man is evil.

But you just said how great I looked.

For my own selfish purposes.

The fact is, as hot as you look and it is quite hot, I wouldn't have said anything.

When I talk about people being evil, I could cite quotes or dig up statistics, but those are just words and numbers.

I think we could have a little more fun if I express myself in song.

♪ Evil woman ♪

♪ Evil woman ♪ That's my time, everybody.

Thank you very much. Yeah.

At the end of round one.

City College, 50.

Greendale, eight.

I got eight?

I only got eight? She got eight.

You got zero. It's debate, not American Idol.

Nice work, L.A. Law.

All sizzle, no steak.

I don't care, dude.

I'm doing this for a parking space.

Let's go, boys. I wanna see some hustlers.

By Zeus. What sort of jackassery is this?

We're in the middle of a debate.

We reserved the gym for practice so...

Yup, they reserved it.

Okay, they got us by the short ones.

The debate is suspended until tomorrow.

Hopefully, by then we can get our act together.

Oh, great try, Bruce. Great try.

When are we getting together to prepare for tomorrow?

Never. Because it's stupid and I don't care.

Bite me.

Maybe Simmons is right.

You really are all sizzle and no steak.

You probably couldn't beat him. What do you mean?

We are going to study harder and beat City College tomorrow.

Really? No.

Who am I, iCarly? Abed is right, you act like things don't bother you, but they do.

Six months ago I was a lawyer, I wore suits.

I used to say stuff like "objection" and "sidebar."

Now I'm losing a community college debate to Jeremy "Soul Patch" Simmons.

Hey, Winger.

You like to sing?

I like to sing too.

♪ Zero for Winger ♪ Kick that.

♪ Was a big shot lawyer ♪

♪ Now he's a loser ♪ Lay off. Jeff didn't understand the rules.

Yeah? What's your excuse, eight points?

Dude, leave her out of this.

♪ Little Annie Adderall Was an outcast in high school ♪ That's it, we are gonna debate the living crap out of you.

We've got some preparing to do.

I liked you better smoking. I'm so sorry.

No, you're right, my feet are long and stupid.

You can't unring that bell.

Oh, no.

That's my newspaper. What do you need a paper for?

You knew what was gonna happen, you Magic Eight Ball.

Pierce hurt his leg. Britta made Troy cry.

What's my destiny? Am I gonna die in a car?

Is it going to happen soon? I'm just an entertainer.

But if it will make you feel better, here, let me show you what I'm working on.

Were... No. Were...

Sorry, is that me being chased down by a werewolf?

That's how you'd behave in that situation. No?

The situation being me being chased by a werewolf?

Mm-hm.

And that's Jeff locking lips with Annie?

Mm-hm. Yeah. You're a fool.

Stanford students were divided into prisoners and guards.

The guards immediately started... Ugh!

What's wrong? I have pain above my eyebrow.

It's a stress headache. I got my first one when I was 4.

I hate it. Get to used to it.

You're knee-deep in it. This is debate.

If you wanna win, you need to prepare.

Well, agreed.

But if you wanna win, you need to loosen up.

Go off-book, robot debater.

Oh, my gosh.

You're right.

Simmons is so good at using his inherent magnetism to sell his points and here I am, like a spinster librarian with my hair pulled back.

Yeah.

What do you think? Yeah.

Thanks.

Be careful, Abed thinks you two are gonna kiss.

Ha, ha, ha! Ridiculous.

Us kissing?

That is ridiculous. Totally.

We should get back to work. Yes.

Okay. The... People are inherently evil.

Oh, we can use this Hobbes quote.

"Man is a collection of base, animal urges.

To act on them and experience sinful pleasure would be morally no different than taking a breath."

That's poignant, right? Yeah.

Maybe we should study alone. Yeah.

Separately. Uh-huh.

That way, we can be more reproductive... Productive.

Bye. Bye. What...

Oh, you forgot your phone. Oh, I can get another one.

The next time you even see a cigarette, you will think of things that disgust you.

And while you're under so deep, you'll find yourself attracted to slightly older men.

Perhaps some barrel-chested stud with just enough tummy to love.

You'll want to buy him dinner.

Then go back to his hot tub.

You'll invite one of your friends to join us for a three-way.

Maybe someone with low self-esteem and slightly larger breasts.

Go to hell, you disgusting pig.

A-ha! I was awake the whole time.

I was faking it. I know. I saw you.

What do you think I am? Some joke?

No, I was trying to make you feel better about yourself.

How dare you pity me.

I may be a little older, my ideas may seem weird, my fashion sense may cause envy, but I have a lot to offer and I will not to be pitied.

Do not help me up.

And as German poet Franz Wickmeyer once wrote:

"Snow falls from the heavens pure.

We cannot blame the snow for being soiled by the Earth."

Man is good.

What? That dude gets it.

Jeff Winger will now offer a two-minute rebuttal.

Hey, sizzle.

What you going to sing tonight? I'm in the mood for Sade.

Okay.

In the Stanford Prison Experiment, 21 out of 21 students, when given absolute power, abused and tortured their fellow students.

My competitor likened people to pure falling snow.

I would respond, "There is none righteous, no, not one."

Now, I realize Mr. Simmons' quote was from the great Franz Wickmeyer.

Mine was just from a simple desert handyman named Jesus.

Oh, that's nice.

Survival of the fittest wires an impulse to eliminate people.

Counter point. Mother Teresa, Joan of Arc.

Rebuttal. Nuclear bombs.

Nuclear families. Abu Ghraib.

Apu from The Simpsons. Double rejoinder.

Telemarketers. Organ donors.

Hate crimes. Executions.

Ketchup is a vegetable.

Wow. This is a real barn-burner.

Oh, God, did I just say cross-burner?

No, you did not. Oh, good.

We make an amazing team. I know, we're so in sync.

We're like a perfect duet or great se...

Professor Whitman. Your preparation was impeccable.

You remind me of a young me with slightly worse hair.

I just checked with the judges.

They'll need a miracle to win in rebuttal.

Simmons is finished.

This is too much for me.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. He's going off-book.

Why is he ripping the cards, doesn't he need cards?

It's a gambit.


He hates me, yet he caught me.

Man is good.

Damn.

Abed. Abed.

He was horny, so he dropped him.

Man is evil.

Greendale wins.

Huzzah!

Eat that, Simmons.

Whoo!

God!

That off-book enough for you?

♪ Not the way That I do love you ♪

Simmons got robbed.

They kissed. You do have powers.

I'm going to die by werewolf.

Shirley, I don't have powers. Trust me.

In my next film, we discover Pierce is an actual genius.

That's not gonna happen. No, it's not.

Pierce, I can't smoke a cigarette without thinking of a three-way in your hot tub.

You did it. Yes.

I did? You're a genius.

Who's the third?

You did great in there.

Let's take this bacchanalia outside.

Full moon tonight.

Shirley. Shirley!

Well, I'm going this way, so...

Well, congratulations, buddy.

Thanks, pal.

Just pat me.

♪ Donde, está, la biblioteca ♪

♪ Me Ilamo T-Bone La araña discoteca ♪

♪ Discoteca, muñeca La biblioteca ♪

♪ Está en bigotes grandee El perro, manteca ♪

♪ Manteca, bigotes, gigante ♪ Cut, cut.

Let me ask you a question. Do you hate this?

Do you hate doing this? Do you?

Can I talk to you for a second? Just hold on.

Just have fun with it.

Take 36.