Community S2E10 Script

Mixology Certification (2010)

Agnes, cancel my appointments.

What happened to the happy birthday part?

Well, you know troy's a jehovah's witness.

He doesn't celebrate birthdays.

Annie and I did our best To keep the language on the cake compliant.

"hello during a random dessert, "the month and day of which cocide numerically With your expulsion from a uterus. "

Yoguys, I never cry, but...

All right. Happy expulsion, troy, But after cake, we cram for realsies.

Guys, finals are coming up.

Yeah. This group is starting to use special occasions To avoid studying.

Last week we had fondue and played boggle Because shirley's niece took her first bath.

With bubbles. Thank you. It's a milestone.

Funny, because last week was my birthday, And nobody noticed and nobody cared.

Pierce...

You don't remember the huge party we threw?

We need to talk about those pain killers you're taking Because don't think you're remembering anything.

That was a huge party.

It was the best party of my life!

Gotcha! of course I remember my birthday.

What a party.

Yeah, you still owe me for the cake deposit.

Oh, you think I don't know that?

Troy...

Troy.


- Kick puncher: Detroit! No way!

This is sold out everywhere! Not everywhere.

I got a cousin in detroit.

They're not crazy about it up there.

This is how you turn 20. Thanks!

Ooh, there's strawberries under there.

Here, let me, uh, help you with that.

I broke my legs, not my gender.

Okay.

Whilwe're... Watching this unfold, Some birthday facts to enjoy.

Troy's birthday is tomorrow, December 4th.

Also born that day, tyra banks...

Ugh. Marisa tomei...

And french cinematographer claude renoir. yes! Jackpot!

On the chinese calendar, troy is a horse.

Like me.

"purposeful, self-possessed, and gregarious. "

No. I'm pretty sure I'm a snake.

I remember because I'm determined, self-possessed, And mendacious.

Pierce, what is this? What are you doing?

Explain yourself.

Who made this crappy cake anyway?

A cake maker. At a cake store.

They did it wrong.

Troy, we're 1990. We're horses.

I was born in '89.

Then...

You were born 21 years ago.

Which would make me 20, Because everyone is 10 for two years.

Because fifth grade is really hard for every... One. mom, how many lies have I been living!

Troy, do you realize at midnight you are turning 21 As in "the legal drinking age"?

Whoa!

This party just became unacceptable-we're going out.

Yep! But you guys were just Complaining about us having too many parties.

Too many lame ones. This is real.

Well, what makes it real? Well, shirley, think of it As troy taking his first bath, Only the bubbles are his manhood.

Yes. I wanna bathe in manhood.

Together: Oh!

I'm taking you to I street. douche street.

Oh, of course you hate cool bars.

I don't suppose you've ever even been to I street.

No. But I also haven't been to beirut.

But I'm sure I will go one day, Because I hear they have lots of important cultural-

Unlike I street, which is douchey.

All right, let's hear your great suggestions.

The red door. Oh, yeah, the red door!

The red hipster. Not hipster.

Hipsters haven't discovered it yet.

It's underground.

Why don't we go someplace fun like peg leg pablo's?

They serve virgin mudslides.

Those are milk shakes, Shirley.

You guys! All you think about is yourselves.

Think about me. I'm 19. I can't get into bars.

Well...

Yeah, sorry. Okay, well...

Have fun.

Fine. I'll get Annie an I.D.

A fake I.D.? It will be real.

It just won't be yours.

I will see you at the red door.

Nice try. We're not going to red poet's society.

Well, we're not going to douche street either.

Fine. Count of three, name the least offensive bar You've ever been to.

One, two, three.

Together: Flannahan's Hole.

Done. Troy, you ride with me?

Do you even have to ask?

Pierce, do you wanna ride in my van?

I'm not a disabled.

I don't need people helping me Do normal things and doting over me...

Why don't you just leave-

Okay! I'll beat you there.

I don't think this girl looks very much like me.

Come on. She's a white brunette.

So is Anne Hathaway. Go on?

What's your friend doing With a stack of other people's I.D.s?

I don't know- sometimes people sell their I.D.

When they're leaving the state and need cash.

So she's a drifter.

A floater.

An urchin.

Caroline Decker from Corpus Christi, Texas.

Texas? Do I need an accent?

You don't need an accent.

Howdy, y'all. I'm caroline decker.

Please don't do that.

I guar-un-tee!

That's cajun. cajun.

I should research Corpus Christi.

Annie, relax.

I'm not a relaxed person, Britta.

I think ahead. I prepare.

I don't improvise my life like... Caroline decker, Who probably has really bad credit And an unfinished mermaid tattoo.

What? Flannahan's hole is closed.

That's not a- I- I'm not being clever.

I mean it's out of business.

Well, that's what they get for trying to please everyone.

So now what? Well, there's a place At third and water.

It's fun, divey, but not staph infection divey.

It's either got a gross name or an ironically fancy one.

Possibly both. Oh. The ballroom. Good.

Go to third and water. Wait-what?

That wasn't the deal! Shirley's pushing back.

Why, because they don't have plastic menus and milk shakes?

Why, because they don't- don't repeat that, you goon!

Jeez. Look, just- the women are your problem, And the men are going to the ballroom.

And now I guess I am being clever.

So... Plastic menus are bad?

See, this is the kinda stuff I need to learn.

Plastic menus seems like a great idea to me For when you spill something on them, And then your mom says, "hey, troy, You're ruining fuddruckers for everyone. "

Troy... You're entering the next chapter of your life.

Sadly, it's the final chapter, But it's also the longest.

And if you play it right, the best.

You and I... We're just two guys now.

Peers. Equals.

So awesome.

Maybe later you'll let me drive your car.

Hello, former enemy.

He's 21 at midnight. Cool?

Yeah. Happy birthday.

Thanks.

Uh, I-I don't like this place.

Ugh. You made that clear, shirley. Oy vey.

Caroline decker from corpus christi.

Annie, you don't need an accent.

If my I.D. Says texas, they'll be suspicious.

They're not gonna question your I.D.

Because you're a hot girl.

We're good for business.

The hotter you are, The more they'll risk the fine.

Howdy?

Go ahead.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Can't be too careful.

I understand.

Hey, hey, shirley!

Welcome back!

You don't know me. Hmm?

Okay? yeah.

You don't... Know me.

This place is all right!

Yeah. It's okay.

These pictures must be of all the regulars.

You think someday I can make it up to this wall?

I don't say this often, troy, but...

Dream a little smaller.

Can I get you guys anything? Oh!

I- I'm okay! Another macallan. Neat.

Vodka. Neat. Four olives. I'm waiting till midnight.

All: Aw!

Sweetie?

Water!

Oh, where's that accent from?

Corpus christi. Texas.

78418.

What are you doin' here in town?

Not much, I reckon...

Just driftin', floatin', Spittin' in the wind.

General waywardness.

All righty.

Annie, you're in the bar.

You don't have to be from texas anymore.

I don't know how it works. I'm not a barfly, britta.

They have asteroids. Slide out.

O-okay. Oh! Oh! Okay.

I- I'm gonna go take a little look around.

Me too. Annie.

Don't accept any drinks.

Or invitations to the bathroom.

So what are you gonna order for your first legal drink?

What should I get? Whatever you want.

No wrong answers. I like beer.

Don't order beer. You've had beer.

W-what should I get?

Well, what do you think you might like?

I mean, it's your world now.

Follow your heart. My uncle carl Played a big role in my life.

He taught me how to throw a football.

He... He passed away this year.

His favorite drink was a seven and seven.

Don't order that. That's an awful drink.

You're better than that.

That's a high school drink for girls.

Actually, I'll have a root beer Instead of that water.

Sure thing. Thank you kindly.

Y'all are so nice in this town.

I'm caroline. From corpus christi.

Grew up on a trout farm.

Deedly-do.

Oh, careful.

You score any higher on this thing, The rylans are gonna recruit you To fight against the ko-dan empire.

- The last starfighter.

Did you get the 25th anniversary blu-ray?

Was scorpius half-scarran, half-peacekeeper?

Frell, yes, I got starfighter on blu-ray.

- You're a fan of the sci-fi original series farscape.

Can I buy you a drink?

You got some id?

Very funny, punk.

Get outta my way! people trying to-

I don't know how people like you even get jobs today.

Hey, do you need help, man? Oh...

You'd like that, wouldn't you? Ha ha!

A little turning of the tables.

Ha.

The turning of what tables?

I don't know! Leave me alone! pffttt!

So I punched her Right in the face.

Your probation officer?

Didn't you get in trouble?

Hell, yes, I got in trouble!

Wasn't the first time. Won't be the last.

I'm not exactly known for my sound judgment.

Back in corpus christi, they call me capricious caroline.

What's capricious mean?

Probably means I'm...

Too busy livin' life to be learnin' $5-words.

Ha ha! Hot damn!

With an aged scotch, never use ice.

Never use ice. Got it.

Why? Destroys it.

At most, what you want- two drops of spring water.

Activates the flavor. Good lord.

Do they have the rules to high-maintenance poser drinker On the wall at I street?

Do they? Poser drinking?

Hey, miss vodka, need four olives.

What's that called, the too-cool-to-care-tini?

Is it?

I bet the forced starkness of that drink order Turns a lotta horn-rimmed heads at the red door.

I can't wait to understand these arguments!

Hey, y'all, 'nother round for ya.

Everybody holdin' up?

I'll be back in two shakes of a rabbit's ass.

Who the hell was that?

I gotta go see a woman About the female equivalent of a horse.

Classy. Way to show troy the ropes.

Shut up, I street.

That woman is a hurricane.

Yeah.

Hurricanes are bad, troy.

I know.

I always thought it's possible That the wormhole crichton fell through Moved him across not only space but also time, Which would suggest that the sebaceans are our future selves And crichton is longing for a planet that no longer exists.

Ha. Hey, you're really nursing that beer.

Ahh. Which would make sense, Because what kind of wormhole would it be If it could only move from one place to another Within the same galaxy on the same day?

You know, speaking of wormholes, Uh, whaddaya say we use one to...

Teleport this conversation someplace a little more private?

That doesn't make any sense.

Wormholes and teleportation are two different things.

That's what I've been talking about this whole time.

I noticed. Cheers.

I followed that band phish- spells it with "ph".

I just lived in parking lots wherever they played.

I don't even like their music.

Just did it to see if I could do it.

And guess what. I could!

So what now? I dunno!

Even if I planned it, plans just fall off me Like chicken crap off an armadilla. annie's the one that plans things, not me.

Annie's my friend. She goes to school here.

Thinks she's got it all figured out.

She wants to major in healthcare management.

What does that even mean?

No idea.

I'll tell you what it means.

It means a master's degree followed by an internship.

She's got the next 15 years of her life All mapped out, and all she gotta do now Is just follow it or screw it up.

Another soda?

Actually, gimme a screwdriver.

I got no place to be.

What am I... Annie?

The first season, when you watch it the second time, Is better than the third season, and the fourth season, When you watch it the fifth time-

Okay. Um... What's your name?

Abed. Abed, I'm robert.

Hey, robert.

Abed, would you like to have...

Gay sex... With me?

No, thank you. Wow.

Okay, so... What is wrong with you That you can sit here this whole time And never pick up on the fact that a man is hitting on you?

Oh, I actually did pick up on it after a while.

You actually-

And?

- I really, really like talking about farscape.

It's a really good show.

- Stargate's better.

Electronic voice: Battery depleted.

Oh, man.

Aw... that is wrong!

Wait.

Oh!

Hey, there!

What you been up to?

I was just, uh, Praying for these poor souls in these photographs.

Oh, that's nice, but, uh...

You missed one.

I found it in the ladies room.

Uh... Give that to me?

No, no, come on! Don't feel bad.

This makes us like you way more.

You think this is really funny.

Yeah. Yeah, a little.

I had some bad years.

With a chaser.

Come on. It's a funny picture, Because you act so perfect all the time.

And because you look like a zombie, But it's not funny when you're sad.

We're on your team. Relax.

Sit down. It's my birthday.

Give it to me.

Give it to me.

See you all on Monday.

Sheesh. Oh...

Britta: Blue town.

Jeff: Shirley. Wait.

What?

Nothing. Get out of my way!

I can't get out of your way.

I'm stuck in this pl- the chair broke-

I mean, I can't get-

Could you p-please help me?

Pretty please?

Thank you, shirley.

You're welcome, jackass.

Hey, um, it's my birthday, And technically, I'm not allowed to drink For another 45 seconds.

Well, actually, it'll be 30 seconds By the time I'm done saying this.

But can I have a seven and seven?

It's on the house. Happy birthday, kid.

Britta: I prefer that to avatar.

I'd rather have my eyes gouged out.

Jeff: Imagine the hurt locker as radio play.

Britta: It would be fascinating and thrilling!

Jeff: Go see the other play!

Big boy. Big, big boy.

You're my big boy.


Troy.

I think I owe you a birthday.

I'm cool.

I actually always wanted to drive this thing.

What? Oh.

This is my car?

Don't crash it. I'm not gonna crash it! crash it, troy.

Go to sleep, britta. Go to sleep.

Crash his car, troy!

Seems like a really dark chapter in our group story.

Go to sleep, abed. Cool. hey, that's the place That we shoulda gone to tonight!

Yeah, I street. Exactly.

It's the red door, stupid!

You see a sign that says I street?

L street is too cool to have a sign.

It's called I street after the street it's on.

The red door's on I street.

L street has a red door.

Aah! Hey!

It's the same bar?

You two have been saying one bar is lame And the other one is awesome all night...

And it's the same bar?

Well, he probably was around Friday nights, Which was lame.

You wish!

Stop. Just stop.

I just spent the last two years Thinking that you guys knew more than me about life, And I just found out that you guys are just as dumb as me.

Duh-doy.

Yeah. Duh-doy.

Got it.

Duh-doy.

You can take me home first.

I only live a few blocks from here.

You do?

Hey, this is a really terrible neighborhood.

Yeah.

This is my apartment.

Weird night, huh?

Yeah. Alcohol makes people sad.

It's like the lifetime movies of beverages.

I pretended to be a different person tonight.

Abed does that like three times a week.

But I did it because I didn't wanna be me.

I- I did it because I'm not sure who I am.

Admit it-we went to school together for four years, And you didn't even know me.

Yeah, but... I know you now.

You're annie.

You like puzzles and...

Little monsters on your pencil And some guy named mark ruffalo.

You're a fierce competitor and a sore loser.

And you expect everybody to be better than who they are And you expect yourself to be better than everyone.

Which is cool.

Good night.

Guess everyone's gonna be pretty embarrassed On Monday, huh?

Naw. Everybody just got a little bit drunk.

Nobody did anything that bad, right?

no, wait, wait, wait.

What are we doing?

Yeah. What are we doing?

This is a bad idea, right?

Yeah.

Okay.

I flew off the handle earlier.

I apologize.

They were making out.

Abed! Abed, why would you say that?

Why would you do it in front of me?

I'm not a coat rack.

Abed. Mm-hmm.

No one likes a tattle tail.

Happy birthday, troy.

Thanks.

You're a man now.

I don't think this is gonna be big enough.

Just try it-we're so close! All right. Breathe in.

All right.

Arms.

There we go. There we go, yeah.

Ah!

157! We did it!

Yes.

That you? Yeah. little help?

Hurry. I think it's a girl!

Left side or right side? Left side.

Got it. Tell me when I'm clo.

Okay.