Community S2E11 Script

Abed's Uncontrollable Christmas (2010)

It's that very special time of year, Greendale.

A time for me to remind you that your school acknowledges no specialness to this time of year.

You do, of course, have a constitutional right to lend this season the significance of your choosing in any of our designated holiday zones.

Merry Christmas, everybody.

Don't you mean season's greetings?

Come on, Shirley. You know it's Christmas.

Yes, but as a modern Christian, I've learned to be sensitive to other cultures' jealousies.

So what are we doing this year?

Well, I'm taking a relaxation course next semester.

And I was going to use the break to do all the reading in advance.

I'm shutting myself in with my video games.

Fake-murdering people is gonna be my new holiday tradition.

Hm. This is disappointing.

What do you care about Christmas, Abed?

You're Muslim.

Don't your people spend this season writing angry letters to TV guide?

It's true. Religiously, I'm Muslim.

But I've always been a big fan of Christmas.

And this is the most important Christmas in the history of the universe.

I'm assuming that's why we're all stop-motion animated.

I vote we let it go.

What did you say we were, Abed?

We're stop-motion animated.

I don't understand what he's saying.

I never understand what any of you are saying.

You guys don't see it?

I noticed it this morning.

That's how I knew it was a special Christmas.

We've clearly entered a whole new medium.

Abed, does the word clearly mean the same thing to you as it does to normal people?

It's probably Arabic for "not clearly."

You really expect me to tarnish the high five for that?

You guys really don't see what I'm seeing?

That worries me a little.

I think it worries all of us.

Is there something that we can do to help you with your situation, Abed?

For starters, you could move around more.

Not much point in being animated if you don't.

And I think we should commit to the format.

Starting with a song.

You start. I'm sure we'll join in.

♪ Give me the snow light up the trees deck every hall and while you can see roast every nut mistle the toe this needs to be the best Christmas since the original.

20,000 years from now they'll say the most successful Christmas was today. *

Okay, we got him.

We got him. He's down.

Now, how many fingers am I holding up?

And, more importantly, are they still made of clay?

Three, and I told you, we're not clay.

We're silicone dolls with foam bodies over ball-and-socket armatures.

Fascinating.

And publishable.

And you say you have no memory of this morning.

You don't recall the emotional crisis that caused you to take shelter in this delusion.

It's not a delusion. Very, very publishable.

Abed, I've been a professor of psychology here at Greendale for many years.

And I think I see a solution to this that might also help you with your situation.

I'd like to do extensive sessions with you, including hypnosis.

I don't need therapy. Nobody said you did.

I just think it would benefit you and, incidentally, me, to get to the real meaning of all this.

You're right. That's it.

I need to find the meaning of Christmas.

Ah, well...

If I can find the meaning of Christmas, everything will go back to normal.

Asterisk.

Abed, the dean says if you don't get help, they might kick you out of school.

Why would I want to be in a school that hates Christmas?

He's got a point.

Kidding.

♪ Sad quick Christmas song sad quick Christmas snowman tragic day gone wrong sad quick Christmas song. *

I don't suppose you know the meaning of Christmas, lonely snowman.

Apparently, it means getting fondled by singing mental cases.

My snowman is alive!

I'm not a snowman.

I'm Chang.

What the hell's wrong with you today?

I thought I made you.

Yeah, you made me need to cry in the shower tonight.

It's a text from Britta.

She says, "the meaning of Christmas is in the study room."

Hey, now that you started it, how 'bout ten more seconds on that third button, huh?

You lied to lure me into a group therapy session?

Surprise!

Pierce, you promised not to do that.

Surprise.

Not cool. H-h-hold on, Abed.

I'm not just a psych professor.

I'm also a Christmas wizard.

You are?

I am.

And I can help you find the meaning of Christmas.

Right, guys?

Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah.

Oh, this feels safe.

Shut up, Winger.

What do you think, Abed?

Christmas wizard. Hm.

I guess I can see that.

Have a seat, then.

Nothing to be afraid of.

All your friends are here.

They just want to help.

I'm here for the cookies.

So what do we do?

Well, with your permission, I'd like to put you into a state of christmasnosis and take you on a magic journey.

To winter wonderland?

Sure.

Your own personal winter wonderland.

Come on, everyone.

You all know how magic Christmas journeys work.

Mm-hmm.

You are playing with so much fire.

Shut up, Winger.

Hands on the table.

Eyes closed.

Heads relaxing.

Necks relaxing.

Don't relax Pierce any lower.

Screw you.

Abed, focus on the sound of my voice, and let yourself relax.

With each breath, you'll feel...

It's beginning. All right, then.

The table's moving.

Shaking like a rocket about to take off.

Now it's leaving the floor as the walls and the ceiling fly away.

We're in outer Christmas space.

There's planet holly.

And planet jolly.

Oh, and what's that up ahead?

Ah, it's planet Abed.

Subtle.

Yeah, we're actually descending onto planet Abed now.

It's the most christmassy planet in the universe.

Its atmosphere is 7% cinnamon.

Awww.

We're here. Winter wonderland.

See how sparkly?

What, are you crazy? All I see is the study...

Ooh, sparkly wonderland.

You might notice that during our journey, you've transformed into Christmas versions of yourselves.

Jeff-in-the-box.

Uh-huh.

Troy soldier.

Cool! Do I have a gun?

You have a drum. Cool.

Britta, you're Britta-bot.

Uh... Just go with it.

Bleep, bloop.

Teddy Pierce.

Bleep, bloop for me, too.

Ballerannie.

Oh.

Baby doll Shirley.

Baby what? What the hell?

Well, we are making fabulous and unexpectedly intense progress.

Now, what I'd like to do is visit the cave of frozen memories.

Pass. Let's head for the north pole.

The meaning of Christmas will be there.

Um, well, yeah.

Yeah, sure. Cheers.

And I actually think I know a shortcut to the north pole through the cave of frozen memor...

Fine, I guess we can take gumdrop road through Carol Canyon and stop at the cave.

I wouldn't call it a shortcut, but you got us here, so I'll throw you a bone.

♪ Come with me and walk with me and see what we can find.

♪ Accompany me on a journey with me through the wonderland in my mind. *

Let's move, folks.

This isn't going to be fun, easy, or safe.

Shut up, Winger.

Mm-hmm.

Fair warning, guys.

A journey through winter wonderland tends to test your commitment to Christmas.

And when I say test, I mean wonka style.

I'm talkin' dark.

Stay honest, stay alert, and for the love of God, stay between the gumdrops.

Look up there, Abed.

I think I see the cave of frozen memories.

A great place...

It's actually the cave of frozen peas.

It's a common mistake.

Don't worry, Christmas wizard.

I got this.

Terrific.

Abed, did you say my Christmas self was a baby?

Are you sure you didn't say I was a Christmas angel?

I think that must be what you said, right?

Because you respect me too much to imagine me as a baby.

Jeez, maybe if you cry enough, he'll change you.

Uh, you do know why he said you were a robot, right?

Because I'm progressive and kick ass.

How 'bout heartless and godless?

I think he just gave us random identities, you guys.

I mean, me, a ballerina?

It's not like I'm that thin and graceful.

Right?

Annie, it's because you're fragile and tightly wound.

Oh!

Ladies, cut the non-thematic chatter, and keep your eyes on the prize.

We're looking for the meaning of Christmas.

Uh, you know what, Abed?

I happen to know the meaning of Christmas.

And I'm pretty sure I'm the only one here that does.

So I would appreciate a certain level of respect, even if I am a guest in your make-believe therapy wonderland.

Therapy? All right!

I am freezing Shirley with my wand.

And I am ejecting her from planet Abed with a remote control Christmas pterodactyl.

Oh, nice. Now we're talking.

The point being, if you're not interested in helping Abed, there's no reason to be here.

Cookies.

♪ Swaddled in her diaper high upon her throne the queen of Christmas babies thought that Christmas was her own. *

That's wonderful.

Let's get back to the magic journey and wrap up.

Some of us have women to sleep with.

You guys hear that?

Humbugs.

Humbugs? Yeah, a whole swarm of them.

See?

Everyone stay perfectly sincere.

Humbugs are attracted to sarcasm.

Wow.

Somewhere out there, Tim Burton just got a boner.

Jeff, don't be sarcastic.

Oh, are they on me now?

Oh, no.

They're eating him alive.

If only he could find the power to not be a smug douche.

Ah, no can do.

I'm just a horrible guy.

Guess I'll have to go get laid...

Ooh, can I sing this one?

Bitter shallow hipster sweater matching socks Christmas needs more presence than a haircut in a box.

Annie, nice.

Get what I did with the word presence?

This is Carol canyon.

Instead of oxygen, the plants produce Christmas songs.

Will it cost a lot to walk through here?

No, no, it's public domain.

You guys know Jesus was born in the middle of April, right?

The church moved his birthday to December so they could steal the solstice from the pagans.

Season's greetings from Britta Perry.

Maybe you could sing a song about it, Britta.

I don't sing.

And if I did, I wouldn't sing Christmas songs.

I guess that means you're gonna have me ejected from winter wonderland for not loving Christmas enough.

Nope, not for that.

Let's get to the cave of frozen memories.

Man, it is cave-like in here.

What do you mean, cave-like? It's a cave.

Nothing to be afraid of.

The cave of frozen memories is a safe place where we can observe suppressed experiences without being affected by them.

Can you show me how to do it?

Sure.

Here, I'm focusing on a part of the cave, and I'm seeing my tenth Christmas.

All right?

Now you try with this morning.

I can't see your tenth Christmas.

How do you even know that's you?

Well, it's my house on 52nd street in Islington.

What room are you in? What color are the walls?

Our living room.

Cream-colored plaster.

There's an oil painting of a forest above the sofa.

I'm reading Paddington books.

Mom got me Paddington every year.

Where's your dad?

It's Christmas, professor.

Where is your dad?

I don't know! We never know!

Mom won't stop crying!

I'm going to America with grandma!

He is good.

We lost our wizard.

We don't need him. Never did.

And nobody needs this cave.

Initiate self-destruct.

Self-destruct initiating.

This slide goes directly to pine tree station.

We can catch a train to the north pole from there.

The wizard didn't bring us here to find the meaning of Christmas.

And I can't have anyone going beyond this point that's on his side.

With you to the end, man.

Always.

Like I said, I came for the cookies.

Ouch!

I'm not ejecting you for your not liking Christmas music, Britta.

I'm ejecting you for lying to trick me into therapy.

Abed, they will kick you out of school.

I was trying to save you.

♪ Britta-bot programmed badly wires with fraying ends functioning mad and sadly no faith in herself or friends

bye, Britta.

Damn, it got real up in that memory cave.

I know, right?

Speaking of real, this has been great.

But the cookies are gone, and I have to take a giant leak.

We should be at the north pole

00 eastern candy time.

You guys see the countryside?

There's the menorah mountains.

And Jehovah witness bay.

Thanks for adding that, man.

This is nicer than all the Christmases I ever celebrated.

But you're Jewish.

On my mom's side.

But my dad's episcopalian.

And before the divorce, the holidays were a minefield of overlapping rituals.

I like the rituals.

My parents are divorced, too.

My mom's Polish.

She loves Christmas.

Every year, she visits on the same day.

December 9th.

And every year, we sit and watch Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer together, every year.

But, Abed, today is December 9th.

It's the last day of classes.

Yeah.

That can't be right.

She comes every year.

Today must be December 8th.

'Cause she comes every year.

Okay, Abed.

Time to stop the train.

After you emasculated me in the ice caves, I went to your dorm room.

I know what happened now.

It doesn't matter.

I just need to get to the north pole.

Abed, there is no north pole.

We're in the library study room, and I'm not a Christmas wizard.

I know.

You're a Christmas warlock.

You're trying to destroy Christmas because you blame your sadness on it.

I'm crawling out the window.

No, you're not.

Snap out of it.

Whoa, whoa, who taught you therapy?

Michael Jackson's dad?

I am a professional.

And you are tampering with a highly delicate book deal.

I mean, human being.

Oh, now we're losing him.

I'm on the roof of the train.

Oh, great.

Well, I'm teleporting there.

Because I can do that.

'Cause I'm a wizard.

Bloink!

Abed, there is no train.

This is not real!

I can't hear you.

I'm going to the front car.

You're very clever.

But it stops here.

There's no more journey.

It's just you against reality.

And reality always wins.

Abed!

I'm unhitching the cars, okay?

What? Oh, give me a break.

Do you know what you're doing?

Bloink! We're learning to teleport.

And we're helping our friend find the meaning of Christmas.

Hey, you're actually grabbing me in real life, delinquent!

We'll keep him away, Abed!

Go!

Find the meaning of Christmas!

At the very least, somebody take notes!

Whoof. All right, where are we?

Christmas train?

I didn't wanna go home.

It's depressing there this time of year.

What are we looking at?

Santa's workshop.

Okay.

So, meaning of Christmas, right?

You see it?

Well, can it just be anywhere?

Like...There?

Good job, Pierce.

It's the first season of lost on DVD.

That's the meaning of Christmas?

No, it's a metaphor.

It represents lack of payoff.

Correct.

Thinking there was something you could do to save Christmas, turning yourself into an animated character in search of the holiday's meaning, these were mechanisms you used to escape this.

This Christmas card.

Left where you dropped it on the floor of your dorm.

"Abed, "I can't make it this year.

"I have a new family now.

"You'll meet them one day.

"You're a man now.

"Take care of dad.

Wash your dupa."

Mommy's moved on.

New family.

New life.

There's nothing left to do now but heal.

And share the experience with as many reputable journals as possible.

Great.

Look what you did to the kid.

What's your article gonna be called?

"Worst shrink ever"?

Hey, this is not my fault.

This is what Christmas does to people.

We put too much meaning into it, and it lets us down.

We beg to differ.

What are you doing back here?

Saving Christmas.

Everybody point your magic Christmas weapons at him.

Oh, brother.

This is ridiculous.

You are enabling a delusion.

The delusion you're trying to cure is called Christmas, Duncan.

It's the crazy notion that the longest, coldest, darkest nights can be the warmest and brightest.

Yeah, and when we all agree to support each other in that insanity, something even crazier happens.

It becomes true.

Works every year.

Like clockwork.

Try telling that to your catatonic friend.

I got a better idea.

Why don't we sing it?

Wait... what? Yeah, let's not go overboard.

Will you two commit to something for a change?

Let's sing it. Yeah, let's sing.

Can we sing while we blow Duncan away?

Absolutely.

Ow! Ah, ah!

You start, Britta.

♪ Christmas time is a time to sing that's what Christmas is for

♪ Christmas can even be a Hanukkah thing that's what Christmas is for

♪ and for a huge percentage of this God-fearing planet it's about the birth of Jesus Chri-i-ist

♪ but for the rest of us it's still a good time to remember that it's good to be nice

♪ music and cookies and licorice dreams that's what Christmas is for

♪ video games for two straight weeks

♪ that's what Christmas is for. ♪ Hey, not the face.

♪ hanging out with the people you love

♪ and saying I love you

♪ that's what Christmas is that's what Christmas is that's what Christmas is for...*

And...Christmas pterodactyl!

All right, all right. I'm leaving.

Initiate self-destruct.

Don't you think that's a little bit...

I get it.

The meaning of Christmas is...

The idea that Christmas has meaning.

And it can mean whatever we want.

For me, it used to mean being with my mom.

Now it means being with you guys.

Thanks, lost.

Wow.

I feel so much better now.

I guess we don't need to be stop-motion anymore.

Well, why not just keep it going for the rest of Christmas?

It just feels so right.

You ever get the urge to just...

"Merry Christmas!"

Ah, there.

Said it.

We're stop-motion again.

Oh, don't worry, man. I did this.

You did? Yeah, it's cool.

Oh. Why?

Well, I always liked the way fake food looked on those animated shows.

I mean, get a load of these things.

They really stepped up a notch in terms of visual deliciousness.

I know what you mean.

Look at that perfect bite.

It's a little odd that I see this, too, though, don't you think?

Yeah. We're weird that way.

Ah, that's better.

So weird.

Troy and Abed in stop-motion