Community S2E12 Script

Asian Population Studies (2011)

Da-da-doom. Ba-dip ba.

Did everyone have a good break?

Yeah, I discovered a new back muscle to work out.

Ladies, you'll thank me come tank top season.

I checked all of Pierce's wardrobes for portals to magical worlds.

All I found was something called Emmanuelle in Space on laserdisc... I couldn't watch it, but it sounded sexy.

Laserdisc.

I joined a campus volunteer group that cleans the city.

We picked up litter on the freeway and dredged the river.

Dredged it for what?

You know, garbage and stuff.

Tires, condoms, needles.

At one point, we found a finger.

Why are you using your I-love-butterflies voice?

What? Am I?

I don't know.

Volunteer work is nice.

You do nice things.

With nice people.

Ooh.

Somebody's finding river fingers with a cute boy.

What? No.

Well, okay, yes, but it doesn't matter.

It's not like I'm seeing anyone. There's just a guy.

A guy that goes to Greendale? Mm.

Is it the Russian guy that looks like a short Johnny Depp?

It doesn't matter. Is it the guy who looks a little like Vince Vaughn but smells a lot like fish?

I don't want to talk about it.

Well, I have someone in my life that I'm happy to talk about.

Again with the Jesus.

Well, Jesus is always in my life, but things have been looking better every day with my ex-husband.

Is it the guy that looks like Anderson Cooper but with a soul patch and the ponytail?

No. Is it black Michael Chiklis?

No. The white George Foreman?

You guys are talking about the same person.

He's biracial, his name is David, and he's a human being.

Guys, stop guessing.

It's not a thing at all. It's just a friend.

Change the subject. Chang the subject.

What are you doing up there?

It's the beginning of a new semester of Anthropology.

And I'm here to get what I was promised.

Sure. Who has Chang's pile of nothing?

You know what I mean. I am sick of the runaround.

I'm here to demand an immediate answer about whether I'm joining the study group.

Well, if we have to give an immediate answer, it would have to be no.

Take your time.

Sleep on it.

Then get back to me.

Or else.

Jeff, you did say we would let him in eventually.

That was before he started using his name as a pun.

It makes me so changry.

Oh, God, it's happening to me.

Let's get back to who Annie's in love with.

Is it Fat Neil? Blue Streak?

Optimus Prime?

Okay, even I know some of these are Transformers.

Who cares who it is? Let's just study.

Study what? We haven't had our first class yet.

Well, could we talk about something other than Annie's love life?

We could talk about my love life.

Is it Jean-Claude van Overbite?

We should really start learning people's names.

I agree with brown Jamie Lee Curtis.

♪ Give me some rope ♪

♪ time in a dream ♪

♪ give me the hope ♪

♪ to run out of steam ♪

♪ somebody said it could be here ♪

♪ we could be roped up, tied up, dead in a year ♪

♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay ♪

♪ one by one, they all just fade away ♪

Duncan's late.

I hope he didn't drive his car into another marathon.

Shirley, how can you want to date your ex-husband after what he did to you? He apologized.

Oh, he apologized.

Well, I guess that completely unbangs that stripper.

Well, forgive me for being forgiving.

Oh, that's right. You don't know how.

I'm relieved Shirley is seeing her ex-husband and not Chang.

Chang? Why would she be with Chang?

Why do I have to say everything I'm thinking?

I wish my mouth was further away from my brain.

I wish my brain had its own brain.

I wish Chang hadn't had sex with Shirley.

What? When?

Where?

How?

I can't talk about it.

Troy, I'm your roommate.

I can keep a secret.

Okay, remember that Halloween party that none of us can remember?

I don't remember anything we can remember.

Well, Chang left me a message that night saying that they did it.

But... but you can't tell anybody.

You have my word as your roommate, and that is a bond I will never violate.

You can't tweet it either.

We never discussed new media.

Sorry all that stuff got dragged out about me having a crush on somebody.

Why would you be sorry about that?

You know. Awkward.

Annie, you don't think I actually care, did you?

No, no, I just didn't want you to think I thought you cared.

Greetings, all and sundry, and welcome to your second semester of Anthropology, where it is about to get real.

Now I forget where we left off last year.

Fat Neil. The bronze age.

Thank you, Fat Neil.

Neil's fine.

Not from an actuarial standpoint.

Now please forgive my lateness, but I wasn't sure how to find Greendale sober.

Yes, you heard me right.

I have stopped drinking.

Mainly due to the fact that I could no longer get an erection.

Now that I'm on the wagon, you can expect both this class and my penis to be more focused and rewarding.

Also, there's gonna be more than one diorama.

Lame!

Boo. I am so sorry.

I train seeing-eye dogs, and today was graduation.

I couldn't leave without shaking all their little paws.

Aww. Rich.

Jeff. Rich!

Annie. Annie? Rich?

You're taking Anthropology?

Well, you made it sound so fun.

We spent the holiday break dredging a river together. We found...

A finger. Yeah.

It sounds gruesome, I know, but I'm used to seeing that kind of thing, because I'm a doctor. All: Ohh.

I can't believe Rich actually enrolled in our class.

It means he likes me, right?

Why wouldn't he, Annie? He is so sweet.

Yeah, sweet and wise.

He has lived such a long, full life.

How old is he again?

30-something, I'm assuming.

He has a landline and uses the word "album."

You guys don't think he's too old for me, do you?

No. No. Come on.

By that logic, I wouldn't have a shot with anybody at this table.

Ugh.

Oh, speaking of creepy, sober Duncan is worse than drunk Duncan.

I think this class is about to get really hard.

I have an idea about that.

Rich is really smart, and he knows a lot about anthropology.

If we were to start studying with him, I think it could help a lot.

Plus, you know...

Oh, you know what, though?

I just realized, so unfair to so many people.

Right? Britta, you're always talking about how it's weird we have no one of Latin descent in our group. Si.

And, Pierce, you're always looking for someone old enough to find your racism subversive.

I could go on and on.

It is a process.

It takes time.

Well, then I say we gather all the candidates and make an informed, democratic decision.

We can have a little mixer and invite the people we're submitting for consideration.

All in favor of tonight? Oh, I am.

Thank you. I'm finished.

No, I'd say you got about two more good years.

Oh, everyone, this is Andre, my ex-husband and boyfriend.

He came to spend the day with me.

Hey, nice to meet you guys.

You know, I've heard a lot about every last one of you.

We haven't heard a lot about you or what you've done or with who.

Well, I hope you give me a chance to make up for everything you haven't heard about me.

Hey, how about a round of soft serve on me?

Shirley, I've been fed a lot of soft serve by a lot of guys.

Sometimes it's rent money, sometimes it's Chili Peppers tickets, and, yeah, I'll admit it, one time it was a gym bag full of nickels, but it never lasts, and they never change.

Britta, I'm a grown-ass woman, and I made my decision.

But how do you know it's the right one?

Because I'm pregnant, okay?

I was going to wait to share my exciting news, but I guess now is as good a time as any to tell you that I am eight weeks along.

Which is a little surprising.

Halloween.

What? Both: Nothing.

Thanks for coming, fellow Anthropology students.

For the first semester, you knew us as "that study group."

But, tonight, we want to get to know you.

Please forgive the spread.

The vending machines haven't been restocked since before winter break.

So help yourselves to tropical skittles, cigarettes, or mouthwash.

And have a good time.

Okay, so I have to figure out if Shirley did it with her ex-husband the week after Halloween.

How are you gonna do that?

I got moves.

So...Bun in the oven.

Guess it's no surprise after working on it all this time.

Well, I wouldn't quite say working on it.

Just kind of happens, you know.

Oh, yeah, I do.

Especially when the season's right.

Dead leaves, pumpkins everywhere...

Nature's Viagra. Right?

I guess.

And then when all the pumpkins just start to rot and all the children have removed their outfits because they've already gotten their candy...

I'm gonna go talk to some other people, all right?

So? His mind is like a fortress.

Why don't we just tell Shirley, "Hey, look, you slept with Chang"?

Let her deal with it.

Pierce, if someone had sex with Chang and they get to not remember that happened, that's a gift from God.

I'm not taking that away from her without a good reason.

Well, here's a good reason.

You ever go to the bathroom and find parsley in your teeth that your friends hadn't told you about?

Now imagine your teeth are a uterus and that parsley is a half-Chinese baby.

Hey, guys.

I want you to meet someone.

My name is Quendra, and I spell it with a Q-U.

She's thinking about taking Anthropology.

So maybe she would make a nice addition or two to our study group. Something to consider.

Are you Abed?

I love Star Wars.

That's Troy. I love footballs.

Jeff, we're dealing with heavier things right now than your shameless lobbying.

Rich brought kettle corn!

Kettle corn! That's a fun-time snack.

Oh, looks great. I make it in my garage.

I'll take some of that.

I spell kettle corn with a Q-U.

Well, don't.

What is this? What's going on?

It's a mixer.

Why is everyone from Anthro class here?

Are you guys picking a new study group member?

And you didn't invite me?

We didn't know how to reach you.

What are you talking about? I'm everywhere.

We didn't know how to reach you.

That's not a true. That's a lie.

It's a mixer. We didn't know how to reach you.

It's a mixer. It's a mixer. It's a mixer.

It's a mixer. It's a mixer.

Works every time.

$50? What a pig.

Jeff, I think we should vote now.

Most people left after we ran out of skittles, and, come on, it's pretty obvious Rich is the best candidate.

Yeah. Looks like he's our guy.

I'll be right there.

This can't be happening.

I agree.

You can't talk and then do a slow clap.

You don't know that.

But I know this.

Unless you want a front row seat to Annie loves Richie, it's time to Chang your point of view.

It's not even clever.

You keep using it as the word change.

Okay. Okay.

Okay. Just do me a favor.

Let me do all the talking and follow my lead.

Deal. Okay.

Seriously, do you have brain damage?

Rich is also board-certified in pediatrics, and, once a month, he flies down to volunteer in the rain forest, fixing children's cleft palates and teaching them acoustic guitar.

Other than that, well, his kettle corn speaks for itself.

I couldn't agree more.

It looks like this is an open-and-shut case.

Did someone say case?

Because I haven't made mine yet.

What? What's your case?

Ben Chang is my case.

You can't be serious.

Oh, I'm serious, baby.

I am yahoo serious.

I'm serious F.M.

Welcome to the world serious of seriousness, sponsored by honey nut serios.

Are you stalling right now?

Stalling?

Stalling?

No, Annie, in fact, you're gonna wish I was stalling... Oh, I just got it. Thank you.

I want to say some names to you.

Jeffrey Dahmer.

Ted Bundy.

Rich.

What do they have in common?

We don't know them very well.

What do we know about Ben Chang?

We know he's nuts. Let him finish!

We know he's dangerous, unpredictable, selfish.

We know he uses his name to make bad puns.

Guilty as changed.

When he talks, he over and underemphasizes words seemingly at random.

When he eats, he holds his fork like a murderer's knife, gnawing at its skewered payload like a deranged woodland rodent.

Bring it home!

We know he smells like band-aids.

We know he dresses like a Cuban cab driver.

We know he exhibits, nay, flaunts proudly obvious symptoms of over half a dozen disorders you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy's pets.

Feel the heat!

We know these things about Ben Chang.

And so much more than we ever wanted to know about him.

Why?

Because it's there.

It's on the surface.

What you see may be what you don't want, but it's also what you get.

Wow.

Who is this kettle-corn-popping phantom?

This human question mark?

This number eight scoop of vanilla tapioca with a Ph.D in being swell and a master's in "everybody loves me"?

Who is it?

We may never know.

I only know one thing.

Nobody is this good a person.

And nobody can get any worse than this.

Now.

Who's voting for Chang?

Who's voting for Rich?

Shirley. Wow, what you gonna do, baby?

I don't know.

Shirley, this is the best kettle corn I've ever had.

If you don't vote for Rich, I'll shatter your world.

You're gonna what?

I'll shatter your world.

I heard you. I vote for Chang.

Yes! Yes! In your face!

No! Yes!

No!

Chang and Shirley had sex on Halloween.

What?

What? You may be pregnant with his baby. No. No, no, no, no. Mm-mm.

Pierce!

She crossed me.

Is that why you were subtly interrogating me about my sexual activity?

Troy? Chang left me a voice mail on Halloween to say that you two did it.

I could hear you in the background.

Shirley, what is he talking about?

I don't remember that night.

Nobody remembers anything.

Oh, now I understand these photos.

Do you mind if I forward these to my brother?

Oh! I want this man out of here.

Well, you just voted him in, so...

What is wrong with you?

Shirley is in crisis.

This isn't silly anymore.

I don't understand.

Just... just wait, baby.

I don't understand either, but we can work this out.

We'll figure it out.

Andre, no.

I think that this is a good time to go.

Rich!

No!

You finally did it, Jeff Winger.

You finally hurt this group in a way that'll never heal.

Kettle corn!

There you are.

Can you please explain to me what the hell you've been doing?

Well, Annie, when a man loves food and beverages very much and they pass through his system, they make... I'm not in the mood, Jeff.

Explain your behavior with Rich today.

Sorry, not everyone is as in love with Dr. Do-No-Wrong as you are.

And don't say it's because I'm jealous of him being with you.

Oh, come on, Jeff!

I'm sick of this.

One minute, I'm too young to date.

The next, you're trying to get rid of guys I like.

Either you want me or you don't.

What's it gonna be?

I wish I could give you an answer that makes sense, but relationships are complicated, and we're in the men's room.

Fine. Well, I'm gonna ask Rich out.

Nothing complicated about that.

There you are. Did I walk into the wrong bathroom?

You have to find Andre and talk to him.

Shirley is devastated.

Since when do you want him back in her life?

I don't deny that I'm not a fan of the guy, but I'm a fan of Shirley, and this is what she wants.

There you are.

Mezzanine?

Nice sweater. Thanks.

My dad gave it to me.

So, um... Look, I'm not mad at Shirley.

You're not?

No. I'm mad at myself.

You know, if I hadn't left her like I did, then none of this would have happened.

You ever have something that you didn't truly appreciate until you didn't have it anymore?

Oh, yeah. Keristina.

Old girlfriend?

Almond facial scrub.

They only make it in Finland.

The old me would have been long gone by now.

I didn't think I could ever change, but I'm gonna tell you, the love of a good woman makes anything possible.

Well, it looks like I'm gonna be a daddy again.

Yeah, but... Hey.

Doesn't matter who the baby's father is.

I'm in it for the long haul.

And if it's mine, it's gonna be a great football player.

And if it's Chang's, we'll go for golf.

Hey. Hey.

Annie just texted me.

She asked Rich out.

Cool.

He said no.

He said she's great but too young.


Don't say anything until I've said what I've got to say.

I've known you for almost two years now, and I've never taken you as seriously as I should have.

You are the strangest, coolest, most genuine person I've ever met, and the thing that scares me about you is how good you make me wish I was.

Help me, Rich.

Help me become like you.

I mean, I am so amazing.

But I'm not perfect.

You are.

Give me that power.

So I can abuse it.

Jeff, you are one funny bunny.

You can't just fake being good in order to get away with doing bad things.

Oh, I completely understand.

And do you understand that I still have to try?

And if you don't help me, you're a bad person.

You got me there, guy.

Come on in and dry off.

Oh, it smells delicious. Are you baking?

Yeah, muffin tops.

And we're back. Today, we'll show you how to make homemade kettle corn with Dr. Rich.

Rich, how do I get one of those giant spoons?

Well, actually, I carved this one myself after lightning struck an oak tree in my backyard.

Ooh. And then I made my nephew a rocking horse.

That's adorable. It smells heavenly.

Dr. Rich, what sets your kettle corn apart?

Well, it's a secret ingredient... a couple extra pinches of love.

Oh, you can't beat that.

It feels good. Not this again.

Rich, you know they're doing a fake morning show?

There are no cameras.

I know.

It's just a fun way to start the day.

So grab a paddle, partner, and hop on in here.

You know what, that does sound...

Yeah.

Troy and Abed in the morning.