Community S2E14 Script

Advanced Dungeons & Dragons (2011)

Gather close that you might hearken the story of Fat Neil.

Born stout of heart, but large of bone, his adolescent years were shadowed by scorn and mockery.

Hey, fatty, fatty.

Hey, fatty, fatty.

Outlets of fantasy afforded him some escape from the darkness throughout high school.

And as a man, he traveled far to a new school and a new beginning...

Or so he thought.

Yeah, it's down by Fat Neil.

The name became a joke.

I'll have what Fat Neil's having.

The joke became his life.

Yes, Fat Neil.

And Neil fell again into darkness, only this time, his thoughts turned to an escape of which we dare not speak.

But pain need not be spoken to be known, not to all.

It was, strangely, Jeff the Liar, son of William the Barely Known, who first became concerned.

Neil.

It was Jeff who pretended to be interested in Dungeons & Dragons in an effort to lift Neil's spirits.

And when Jeff's fake interest resulted in Neil giving Jeff all his books, explaining he wouldn't need them anymore...

It was Annie the Dayplanner, herself a recovering head case, that recognized the signs of coming doom.

A council was called.

Troy the Obtuse...

Shirley the Cloying, Abed the Undiagnosable...

Julian Assange is a modern day...

And Britta the Needlessly Defiant.

For reasons that should be obvious, Pierce the Insensitive, known also as Pierce the Dickish and Grandpa the Flatulent, was not invited.

The group agreed that what Fat Neil needed most was to feel like a winner for a change.

They would invite Neil that Saturday to a game of Dungeons & Dragons, designed by Abed to help Neil reclaim his confidence.

For Neil.

At the end of the meeting, they realized that Chang had been there and felt too awkward to mention it.

What they couldn't have known was that they had just scheduled the most important game of Dungeons & Dragons ever, a game which not only might save a life, but which would forever change the balance between good and Pierce.


Hi.

Hey, Neil, this is gonna be awesome, yo.

So we're just gonna ignore that hate crime, huh?

I'm a dark elf, or a trau.

Shouldn't you be wearing armor or something?

I'm an elf, not a nerd.

So you guys suddenly just wanted to play Dungeons & Dragons?

Y-yeah.

W-why wouldn't we?

Yes.

It's cool, and when you play it, it makes you happy...

Like a dragon.

Okay, hi.

I am your dungeon master.

We will be playing this adventure...

"The Cavern of Draconis."

Ooh! Neil.

I understand Neil has his own character named Duquesne that he's been playing for years, so I made these for you guys.

Now, take your time. Choose your character carefully.

They each have their own unique combination of strength and...

All righty.

Shouldn't there be a board or some pieces or something to Jenga?

No, no, this is a role-playing game.

It takes place entirely in our collective imagination.

Ooh. Neil.

I tell a story, and you make choices in the story, okay?

Let's begin.

You are all standing on a country road.

Legend has it the evil dragon Draconis dwells nearby, guarding a massive pile of treasure.

Working as a team, your goal is to track down the dragon, kill him, and then claim the treasure as your own.

Jeff, your turn.

Oh, it's my turn?

Oh, um... What do I do... Roll dice?

You tell me what you want to do, then I roll the dice to see if you're successful.

What are my choices?

Okay, you're slowing things down, Jeff.

Shirley, what do you want to do?

I'd like to introduce myself to the group.

Hello. I am a dwarf named Zippity-Do.

Okay, I'm not the best at making up names.

Oh, hey. I'm Marrrrrr.

Boy, you weren't kidding.

Hello, Marrrrrr.

My name is Bing Bong the Archer.

I'm an archer and such.

I'm...Ew! Hector the well-endowed? Abed.

I didn't know you'd just grab one at random.

I made that one with Troy in mind.

Yeah, I bet you did.

Okay, hi! I'm Lavernica.

I have three armors, boots, a belt, a torch....

Wait, let her finish.

Worst introduction ever. Check it.

I am Brutalitops, the magician!

Magic user, baby... What?

An arrow flies through the air almost hitting Brutalitops.

Six goblins are running toward you from the tree line, drawing daggers.

Oh!

I attack them using my...

Additional notes.

It has no effect. Britta?

I want to know why these goblins are attacking us.

Maybe these woods are their rightful land, and from their perspective...

You're the AT&T of people.

You've been shot by an arrow.

Yeah, it hurts. Jeff.

Uh, I take my throwing knife and throw it, knife-style.

You do ten points of damage.

Look at that.

What am I not good at? Sex.

But the goblins close in, surrounding you on all sides.

I draw my plus-three sword of Duquesne and attack in a 180-degree arc.

The goblins are terrified as Duquesne draws his powerful glowing sword from its sheath...

And in one move, slices the throats of three charging goblins!

Oh! Oh, that's good.

The rest of the goblins run away.

Great job with the sword, Neil... You saved us.

What would we have done if you didn't exist?

Dial it back, Lavernica.

Pierce, what are you doing here?

How about you answer that question?

What the hell is this little tea party?

We're playing Dungeons & Dragons.

First of all, gay.

Second of all, stupid.

And thirdly...

Why was this a secret?

Are you cutting me out of the group?

I guess we must have forgot.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, that's what it was.

But you remembered to invite Al Jolson here.

And you remembered to let fatty sit in my chair.

Get out! You're stretching it!

Pierce, can we talk to you outside for a second?

Kind of missed that opportunity already, didn't you?

Yeah, but there's a very specific reason.

Let's just play, all right?

I don't have a character for you.

I don't care, I just want to play the game.

I don't need a character. I think you do.

Just put me in the stupid game now.

Okay, um...

As you watch the goblins retreat, you notice a 67-year-old naked man with no weapons, lying in the wet grass, shivering.

His name is...

Pierce Hawthorne, and I'm 66, dick.

In about 13 turns, he will die of exposure.

Jeff? I wait 14 turns.

Screw you guys. I'm gonna win.

I go to the naked man, and I give him my cloak.

Oh.

Pierce, I am Duquesne of clan Duquesne.

Dumb name.

I'm gonna take his sword. Can I take his sword?

You've got his sword.

Pierce, knock it off. You're playing the game wrong.

We'll see.

Okay, I take the Duquesne sword from the naked man.

I attack him! I attack Black Face!

It's a critical hit.

You've decapitated him. Brutalitops is dead.

What?

No!

Chang...

I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask for your character sheet.


Still your turn. I run.

What? You run?

The naked man is running into the woods.

But he has my sword. Can we catch him, please?

Well, the cloak that Duquesne gave him was an elven cloak of windwalking, which is double speed, so, no. He's gone.

Damn it! It took me ten years and 50 campaigns to get that sword.

Really?

Maybe I'll wipe my ass with it and throw it off a cliff.

That's for sitting in my chair, fatty.

I take it that means I'm winning.

Pierce, you've made your point.

You can ruin anything.

Now come back and give Neil his sword.

I can't hear you over the sound of me rubbing his sword on my balls.

Pierce! Ew!

You have...

Successfully rubbed your balls on the sword.

Abed, don't help him.

You're the dungeon master. Just kill Pierce and give Neil back his sword... He's upset.

I'm the dungeon master... I have to be impartial, or the game has no meaning.

Can you just give Neil a new sword?

That sword is one of a kind.

It was forged by my ancestors.

I hump it.

That's it. Pierce, Abed, I need to talk with you in the hall?

What? Hey...

Hey! That kid in there is severely depressed.

Oh, yeah, is that what he told you?

From the looks of it, he's been using that line since he was five years old to get an extra slice of pie.

What the hell is wrong with you?

I don't like being excluded, Jeff!

Do you? Yes!

Now, go in there and tell him you're giving him his sword, or you are out of the study group.

I'm sick of you threatening me and talking to me like a kid and giving me that look you give me like I can't get erections!

What?

Abed, I keep running. Okay.

But since you're working against the group, I need to separate you from them.

Good. Who wants to sit with a bunch of fat crybabies anyway?

Call me when you're ready for my next move.

Pierce refuses to give back the sword.

Our new goal is to find him and kill him.

I think I just want to go home.

Neil, do not do that.

We're gonna get that sword back, okay?

Now, is there a way of moving faster than he's moving in his cape of whatever?

I guess if we had a Pegasus.

If that's sarcasm, I can't tell, because everything in this game is silly.

Um, Abed, can we get a Pegasus?

I can't give you information like that.

Well, there's got to be a town nearby.

We will go to that town and ask around...

About a Pegasus!

Huzzah!

Is that right?

And so it was that the group began to describe themselves walking.

And as they described themselves walking, so did Abed confirm that they walked...

I walk with them.

Until...

This is a local elf tavern, but all races are welcome.

Aw!

Okay, it's a crowded and rowdy evening.

Beleaguered gnomes hurry to and fro with glasses of mead for the thirsty elves.

Beleaguered? Why are they beleaguered?

Who cares?

I find a waiter and introduce myself.

Argy bargy arg barg barg.

Why is he a pirate? He's a gnome.

He only speaks gnome. Anybody here speak gnome?

Oh! I do! Lavernica does.

Oh, this'll be painless.

Hello, my friend and brother.

How can I help you, dear madam?

Oh, please, no need for such deference.

I am no better than a gnome.

Yes, you are, madam.

You are a human warrior, which is five species classes greater than I.

That's disgusting. Don't talk like that.

I am so sorry, madam!

Please don't report me for execution!

Oh, no, no, no! I didn't mean that.

Guys, we have got to do something about these gnomes.

Um... Britta, ask the stupid gnome where we can get a Pegasus!

Did someone say "Pegasus"?

A word I understand in every language?

Okay, here's all the Dungeons & Dragons stuff I could find.

I had to carry it all the way from my car.

It's very heavy, and my doctor said...

Ahh!

Following the directions given to you by the gnome, you arrive at a field full of majestic Pegasi. - Finally.

But they are guarded by a mysterious and beautiful elf maiden, who seems drawn to Marrrrrr.

Oh. Okay. Well, I explain that we need a Pegasus, and, uh, I don't know, promise to fill it up before we bring it back.

She flirts with you.

I flirt back. How?

I say something sexy. Like what?

Abed.

Okay.

Excuse me, I don't normally do this, but you're the most beautiful creature I've ever seen, and I would really love a Pegasus.

Ugh. Works for me.

You're very handsome, you know.

Yeah.

Well, you know, I'm not really comfortable with this.

My stable has a bedding of heather.

Perhaps you'd be more comfortable indoors.

Abed, try to look at what you're doing and understand that I don't want to.

You've offended the elf maiden.

She seems disinterested in doing business with you today.

What?

All right, come on, can we just do this?

Hi. Hello. I am Hector the well-endowed.

You've got a bunch of Pegasi. Let's make a deal.

What kind of deal?

All right, I take her by the hand and lead her to the stable.

I light a candle and rip off a piece of my tunic, which I fashion into a blindfold.

Oh, Hector, but I don't know... Shh. Shh.

I place it gently over the elf maiden's eyes.


Okay. You both fall back, exhausted but still entwined.

Okay, great. I stroke her hair lovingly and spoon her for the appropriate amount of time before leaving. How long is that?

Cool, cool, cool.

All right, the elf maiden, thoroughly satisfied, promises you a flock of Pegasi.

Oh, excellent.

You guys can take a break. I should check on Pierce.

Pierce?

I'm here.

I need to know what you want to do next.

So many things, Abed...

So many things.

Guys...

I am bringing Pierce back into the room, because while soaring above the forest of Ingold, you spot his body in an elven cloak in a clearing below.

Ha! Ooh!

We got you, dummy!

We land.

You land safely in the wooded clearing.

He is facedown, barely moving, a pool of blood underneath him.

I can't tell you how long I've dreamed of this moment... in the game.

Uh, Neil's sword?

Clutched in the right hand of the body is the sword of Duquesne.

Sir, I believe this is yours.

Thank you, Jeff.

Once you get close enough to take the sword, you can see that this body, while definitely dying, is not Pierce.

What?

I turn it over.

It's the gnome waiter from the tavern.

What? No. Why?

Good-bye, my friend.

Thank you for being so respectful toward me.

Who did this to you, gnome waiter?

I never saw his face.

Just so you know...

My name... was Kyle.

Kyle.

Britta?

He was an imaginary waiter.

I wouldn't expect you to understand.

Now.

You hear a low rumble on the other side of the tree line, followed by a shrill screech and the beating of heavy wings against the sky.

Wait, wings?

What's going on?

Tell me, Abed, are you familiar with the Amburg region of the Edylmann River basin?

Of course I am.

Then you'll know there's a reflecting pool with a very special amulet at the bottom of it...

An amulet that allows the wearer full control over...

Draconis!

The hideous Draconis, an all-powerful red dragon, crashes through the trees into the clearing.

Riding atop his shoulders, naked as the day he was born, and controlling Draconis with the amulet is...

Say it!

Pierce Hawthorne.

Scream what I told you to scream!

Pierce Hawthorne is my master!

Prepare to meet your doom!

I run towards Pierce with my broadsword drawn, and I attack his... Time stop!

"Time stop"?

Draconis has tons of spells.

The six of you are completely frozen and helpless.

This is why I wanted to play Chutes and Ladders.

Fine, Pierce. You win.

Just kill us and end this.

Oh, no, killing's too good for you.

Cast "shape change" on Duquesne.

What shape do you choose for him?

Fat.

Pierce, stop it! Pierce!

Duquesne starts gaining weight.

How much? Make him as fat as Fat Neil.

Pierce!

Oh, right, cry.

Let it out.

Baste your chubby cheeks in tears of gravy.

You weren't crying when you were stealing my friends.

They asked me to come here.

You know why, right?

I've got some fat news for you, Fat Neil.

Don't you know why Jeff Winger, of all people, led the charge on the "Fat Neil Feel Good" committee?

Way over the line, Pierce!

I'll tell you why.

Because I was there.

Where are the bathrooms?

Oh, they're down there by Fat Neil.

That's right, Neil.

Your new best friend, Jeff Winger, coined the name "Fat Neil."

Jeffrey!

Look, before you respond, I can make it up to you.

I'll find a fatter Neil.

Huzzah.

You made up "Fat Neil"?

Someone asked me where the restrooms were, and you were standing by them, but you were also standing kind of near, uh, other Neil.

So call him Skinny Neil.

He's actually not that skinny.

He's bald! He's black!

Well, I don't look at the world through that lens.

I'm sorry. I shouldn't be high-roading you.

I'm the bad guy.

Now you can all hang out in suspended humiliation and think about what you learned today.

One, don't screw with me.

Two, invite me to your crap.

Is it my turn?

Yes, but you can't move.

That's fine.

For my turn, I feel sorry for Pierce Hawthorne.

Save it.

No, I really do, man. Good.

For my turn, I rape the Duquesne family...

Again.

Jeez.

For my turn, I pity Pierce too.

Trust me, kitten, I'm having the time of my life.

I won.

I won Dungeons & Dragons, and it was advanced.

I pity Pierce. Knock it off.

Yeah, you really outdid yourself this week.

There's a lot of pain in you. I seriously feel bad.

Feel sorry for your new fat BFF.

No, we're done doing that.

He's gonna be fine, aren't you, Neil?

You, Pierce, I really worry about, at least for my turn, anyway.

Well, how about this? Draconis, unfreeze time.

Done. You guys can move again.

I breathe so much fire on you...

Hold it. You just used your move unfreezing time.

Neil?

I take the sword of Duquesne, and I throw it at the amulet around the sad, naked man's neck.

That's a difficult shot. You'll need an 18 or higher.

Oh, sweet baby Jesus.

Yeah!

Yes! In your face!

The sword smashes the amulet, freeing Draconis from its spell.

The red dragon turns his head, grabs Pierce in his mighty jaws, and swallows him alive.

Oh, no! Oh, Neil!

As a reward for freeing him, he flies your intrepid band to his cavern where he bestows his treasure upon you.

Congratulations on the completion of "Cavern of Draconis."

I've been your dungeon master.

I hope you had a good time. Whoo!

Excelsior.

Hey.

That was the best game I ever played in my life.

Don't mention it.

Want to play again next week?

Maybe.

Okay. I'll be around.

And so it was that Pierce Hawthorne saved the life of Fat Neil, while learning very, very little.

Good night.

How could you possibly want giant ears over a tail?

If you had a tail, people could always tell when you're happy.

Yes, but with giant ears, you could hear things from miles away, and you could wear backpacks as earrings, which would free up your hands.

Backpacks already free up your hands.

Guys, what do you think?

We thought our group was meeting now.

Tail is much better.

Thank you.

All in favor of giant ears?

Mm, told ya.