Community S2E15 Script

Early 21st Century Romanticism (2011)

Why does being a librarian make her even hotter?

They're keepers of knowledge.

She holds the answers to all of our questions, like, "will you marry me," and "why are there still libraries."

I wanna be a book. She can pick me up.

Flip through my pages.

Make sure nobody drew wieners in me.

Hey, maybe if we're too loud, she'll shush us.

Okay.

Books!

Pretend like you're asleep.

Jeff.

What do you do when you and your best friend wanna ask the same girl to the Valentine's dance, but neither of you have dibs because you both fell in love with her at first sight?

Well, I don't believe in dibs or love at first sight or love or best friends or doing things.

But it's good you brought this to me.

You're gonna have to open your heart one day, Jeff.

What happens if I don't?

I miss the heart opening deadline?

Valentine's Crapentine's.

Opening my heart is on my list.

Pierce?

Mm-hmm. What was that?

Gum. Why aren't you chewing?

Because I'm using my mouth for this dumb conversation.

Bye.

That's my friend page. She's cool, but...Whatever.

She's cute. Oh, Troy.

Before you go barking up that tree, I have to tell you that she might not be interested.

Why wouldn't she be...

Oh! Is she...

A friend of Ellen?

Yes, Annie. But you can say the word.

Page is a...Lesbian.

Pierce, as someone who's been calling me a lesbian for the last year and a half, I'm sure that you don't have anything to say about me being friends with one.

Nothing off the cuff.

What I do have is a prepared statement.

..

♪ Give me some rope, time in a tree give me the hope to run out of steam somebody said we could be here we could be roped up, tied up, dead in a year I can't count the reasons I should stay one by one they all just fade away

"And in summation, "good luck...

And bon appetit."

Many, many paragraphs of that were oddly supportive.

Wait till you hear the one I have for you.

Okay. I know that wasn't gum.

You're right. It was an awesome exit pill.

Zip! Zop! Zooey!

Bye!

We gotta do something about Pierce and those pain killers.

He's recovering dude can moonwalk!

Now, I'm sure he's almost through his prescription.

Besides, he's a baby boom.

They invented drugs.

Yeah, they also invented TV.

Have you seen him control one of those?

Intervention. Intervention, intervention.

Count me out. We can't count you out.

He listens to you.

Well, he also listens to the Barenaked Ladies.

Go get their dumb asses to help you.

Back it up! Okay, Jeff.

You are clearly in a bad space today.

But Pierce is our friend, and the Barenaked Ladies are triple platinum... Are you?

Why does everyone leap to defend that band so aggressively?

And how much stuff do we have to go through this year before my friendship stops being questioned?

Well, maybe friendship is about going through a lot of stuff, Jeff.

And maybe BNL has two Billboard awards to your zero.

Oh, okay. They're... they're BNL now.

We use shorthand for the Barenaked Ladies.

That's how fundamental they are.

Yeah. Yeah!

You know what Pierce probably needs more than anything?

Some space. Maybe I do too.

You know what? Maybe we all need some space to pull the knife out of the back of the most celebrated Canadian alt rock band of the mid-nineties, you selfish, jaded ass!

This...is a fight!

We...are fighting!

Jeff. Hello!

I hear you're fighting with your study group.

Correct. Now, you won't know this, being American, but tonight Liverpool are playing...

Manchester United.

I am a stylish American, professor.

I've been forcing myself to be into soccer since 2004.

Ah! Then it's destiny.

God gave you a British friend and a massive TV for a reason.

Oh, it's Valentine's Day, and even though we're fighting, I did promise the study group I'd go to the dance...

You promised the study group? Whip, crack!

I'll see you at precisely 6:30, or as the English call it, gravedigger's biscuits.

Okay?

That moonwalk back there was streets ahead, buddy.

Hey, thanks, buddy.

Hey, Pierce! Hey, it's you!

Yeah. The tiny man you see when you take enough pills.

We have a good time, don't we, Pierce?

I ain't hurtin'. And you wanna keep this going, right, 'cause... I'm sure you've noticed the prescription is almost done.

Ah. Ha. I don't think the doctor...

Doctor, you know, I know he won't...

Pierce, if doctors are so smart, why are there millions of 'em?

Look in your hand.

It's Valentine's, buddy.

Be mine.

Mariah, my name is Abed Nadir.

My associate Troy Barnes. Charmed, I'm sure.

Are you the guys that keep staring at me and intermittently yelling out, "books"?

The very same. We are both interested in taking you to the Valentine's dance, but we are also best friends with each other.

It is of utmost importance we protect that friendship from the stresses of courting you, so we're trying to be as direct and aboveboard about this as possible.

Will you go to the dance with one of us, and if so, which one?

We need to get something straight first.

This is the cutest thing that's ever happened to me.

But...I don't know either one of you.

Give us a moment.

Dude, I need to eat those tacos.

New proposal: Get to know us at the dance and decide there which of us you'd like to see again.

Okay. Deal.

Nice.

What's in the briefcase?

Oh. Tacos.

You want one?

No.

Great. We really wanted them.

Yeah. We're gonna eat them.

So like...Would you change clothes in front of her?

Annie, I know your lack of world experience creates curiosity, but questions like that can make you seem a little bit homophobic.

It's homophobic to ask questions?

If you have to ask if it's homophobic to ask questions, haven't you already answered your own question?

Have I?

Don't know. Not a homophobe.

Oh. There's Page.

Should I ask her 500 questions about being a lesbian?

Or should I just treat her like a normal person?

That's a question you can ask.

Hey. Hi.

I'm not a lesbian. Oh!

I'm not either. Oh.

But it's cool that you're friends with one.

Oh.

Page isn't a lesbian.

She just likes hanging out with Britta, because it makes her feel cool to have a lesbian friend.

But...Britta's not a lesbian. She thinks that Page is.

Guess what, Annie.

Page and I are going to the dance together.

Hope I stay straight, right?

Oh, sorry. My friend's a tad homophobic, so I was doing a bit.

Pretty exciting first half.

Yeah, 0-0. Electrifying.

Aw. Worried that your six-headed ball and chain will be calling?

Fine.

That's better, you big slut.

It's Chang!

Chang? Why?

I don't know!

I can hear you guys.

What are you doing here, Chang, and how do you know where I live?

I can answer both of those questions by returning your driver's license.

Ha!

There it is!

Man U. versus Liverpool!

For God's sake, just let him in.

He's wearing the right colors and everything.

Come in. Don't mind if I Chang!

Heh heh. Hey, man, check this out.

Ya-haa!

Hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo!

Anyway, the thing I was going to show you guys is pretty cool.

I'm ignoring you and watching soccer.

Just sit down, Chang.

There's space for three fannies on this sofa.

Hey. In England, fanny means vagina, right?

In England, everything means vagina.

I'm gonna make it up to you, Winger.

Even though, like I said, weird place to put a lamp.

But let me order a pizza. Ooh, I love pizza!

In england we call them Italian fannies.

I'm hookin' us up!

Cellie... Ah. Go use the landline.

Landline? Okay, grandma Bell.

Star-burns, it's Chang.

Remember that pizza you owe me?

Well, it's time to pay up.

Party at Winger's. Tonight.

Yeah, you can tell people.

Cool. Cool.

Hey, uh, wingding at Winger's.

So Mariah, what you get with me is the complete package...

HBO, Showtime, Starz, Starz black.

Sounds expensive.

With all due respect to my friend here, if you go with me, you can expect this on the dance floor.

Go, go, go, go, go.

Go, go, go, go, go!

I feel like everyone's staring.

Not that I care.

Well, of course they're staring.

They've probably never seen a straight girl and a lesbian so comfortable together.

Exactly.

Those two were talking about us.

Well, let's give them something to really talk about.

Let's do it. Okay.

'Scuse us. Hi.

Hi. Sorry.

Cool music, huh?

Oh, nice call, ref!

Bite my banger!

Jeff, something's up with your toothbrush, man.

What the hell? I had to get cleaned up.

Why?

Oh, yeah!

Pizza time!

Leonard? Where are the white women at?

No. There are no white women here, Leonard.

This is not a party!

Don't tell that to Magnitude.

Who's Magnitude?

Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo!

Pop, pop!

Pop, pop!

Bam!

Bam!

Come on in. What's up, what's up?

What's up? Looking good, looking good.

That's my analysis of the Saw movie franchise.

That about does it, so I think it's time for you to choose.

Abed, could you get us some punch?

On it.

You guys are really cute together.

Thank you.

But you know, having to...

Actually choose, I...

Hey. We both agreed to this.

We're both very comfortable with each other, so I won't be... No. I choose you, Troy.

Punch.

Hey, Abed. Hey.

I, um...

She...Just... She chose me.

Cool. You can have this then.

Thank you, Mariah. Have a great night.

That's great!

Pierce?

You go straight to hell!

Wh...

Ha...

Oh, I'm sorry, Annie.

I...I've been... I don't know.

I've been going through all these mood swings lately.

You understand we care about you, right?

Okay?

Okay.

Well, look.

Here's the deal.

I am not sharing you with them.

So before this goes further, you have a choice to make, my friend.

Ha ha! Look at the lesbians.

Lesbians!

Screw you! Screw you!

No, no.

I don't care what they say. Oh, I don't either.

I just wish it wasn't such an issue for them.

Yeah, but that starts with us.

It starts...With us.

I've never done this before. Me neither.

Wait! What?

So...

Curious about one thing.

What was wrong with Abed?

Well, I mean, he did talk about the Saw movies for two hours.

Yeah, but there are eight of them, and they're two hours apiece, and the first one did redefine the genre, and...

Troy, I would love to be his friend.

I know you would. It's incredible.

But romantically, he's...

You know.

I hate her, I hate her, I hate her, I hate her!

What happened? She called you weird!

I am weird. Not as weird as her!

Who the hell is Nicholas Nickleby?

She wouldn't shut up about it.

Mm. I know.

There's someone out there for us.

Happy Valentine's Day.

It is now.

Ignore her. Okay.

It's weird, but I've never heard of Magnitude before tonight.

He's a one-man party!

You're always busy with your study group.

Well, he's not with them tonight.

Oh, yeah!

I thought you quit drinking, Duncan.

False alarm on that one.

Oh, yeah!

Pop, pop!

Ha ho! Pop, pop!

Pop pop pop pop pop pop! Pop pop pop pop pop pop!

I never said I was a lesbian.

Why didn't you just ask me?

Oh, what am I, a homophobe?

I don't care about people's preferences.

You so care.

You are clearly just hanging out with me because you thought I was gay.

So? What were you doing with me?

Hey, what does it matter, you know?

We're both just humans trying to make our way through this crazy world.

You're the worst!

What? And for the record, I never thought you were cool.

I only thought you were a lesbian.

Page is straight.

Really?

Well...

When she was gay I thought it was really cool of you to make out with her.

Thanks, Annie.

Kiss!

Annie!

Oh, thanks, man. Just leave those.

I'll get them in the morning. It's okay.

Are you wearing my underwear?

Oh. I just needed a pair while I did some laundry here.

I don't have a washing machine.

What the hell?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, don't get mad, don't get mad!

I'm homeless, Jeff, okay?

When my wife found out about Shirley and me, she kicked me out... For good this time!

My whole life is in this dishwasher, man!

Well, some of it's also soaking in your bathtub.

Oh...

So wasted and sleepy.

I could probably just crash here and, you know, I can start looking for a place in the morning.

What... You orchestrated this entire party just so you could weasel your way into staying here!

You weren't even going to notice.

Hey, Jeff, don't kill the messenger, but you have four hermit crabs in your bathroom sink.

You'll fall in love with them. I named one Jeff.

How long did you actually think you were gonna stay here?

Just a month. Three...Tops.

I mean... how long is your lease?

Way to go, idiots!

All right, everybody out.

I'm not kidding.

It's been very interesting getting to know you all much, much better.

Star-burns, Leonard, Magnitude.

Pop, pop swizzle, scandalous, C Dubb, Tim.

Mighty D. Glisten.

Good night, everyone. Faster. Move it.

Thank you.

Well...

I hope you found tonight therapeutic, because I would love to pretend that that was my plan.

Well, I actually started to have fun until that maniac tried to move in.

What is it about me that makes broken people flock to me?

Is it my height?

Do huddled masses mistake me for the Statue of Liberty?

I don't know.

But being as how you're halfway through your second year at Greendale, you may want to either stop resisting or admit that you're actually starting to enjoy it.

Well, you assume I enjoy it because you think you'd enjoy it.

That's true. I am very lonely.

You want a, uh, nice little taste of what you're missing in a relationship with six nutcases?

Yeah! Let's turn on my phone and listen to the 39 messages they left tonight.

You have no new messages.

Huh. That's...

Huh.

Since you've got it turned on, why don't you call me a cab and then pay for it?

Must have been some kind of trouble.

Ah...

What a relief that would be.

Tell you what, if you need me, I'm gonna be waiting for my cab down here.

Having a special nap.

Oh!

Thanks, bro. I'll be gone in the morning.

Yeah. Whatever.

Okay. Maybe I stay a while.

Thirsty. Don't push it.

All right...

It might not shock you guys to hear the real reason we had a fight today...

It wasn't about the Barenaked Ladies.

Although I do have some unresolved issues there.

Caring about a person can be scary.

Caring about six people can be a horrifying embarrassing nightmare.

At least for me.

But if I can't say it today, when can I say it?

I love you, guys.

Oh, and, Pierce...

Take it from an expert...

These knuckleheads are right outside your heart.

Let them in.

Before it's too late.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Be mine? Right! Yes!

Love you. Amazing!

You're cute?

No, wait.

Kiss me. There has got to be a way to make money off of this!

I've been cheating.

No. It says email me.