Community S2E17 Script

Intro to Political Science (2011)

So I go into the bathroom with Tom...

And we both, you know... take 'em out.

And I say, "Size more? Try size less."

Wow. Wow.

I wanna go to rehab and compare penises with famous people.

All in good time, kiddo.

Well, uh, Pierce, we're very glad to have you back.

I'm assuming. You?

So...What should we do now?

Well, I don't wanna be that guy, but I guess we should start studying Anthropology.

Okay.

Okay. Um...

Chapter four.

Hello! Oh, thank God!

Yes!

Oh, my God.

Thank you. What is it, dean?

Oh, haha. I have exciting news.

Vice president Joe Biden has been visiting community colleges across the country as part of his "Biden Time Talkin' 'Bout Teachin'" tour.

Mm, folksy, yet progressive.

He does walk that line.

Anyway, his tour is taking him to this neck of the woods, And at 5:00 P.M. today, he is stopping by Greendale!

Eat that, city college and wash it down with a nice tall glass of suck it.

The vice president is coming.

That explains the people I've noticed covertly surveilling the campus this week.

Must be Secret Service.

Oh, Abed, will your reality ever come out on Blu-Ray so we can enjoy it? We've been made.

Only problem: Mr. Biden is supposed to be meeting with the dean...

And the head of our student government, which in its current form doesn't exist.

So we have seven hours to elect a student president.

Ah, what am I gonna wear?

I mean, I could borrow my sister's Uncle Sam outfit.

It's tailored for ladies but what else can I do on such short notice?

Well, you can not dress up like Uncle Sam.

Or admit you don't have a sister.

We're electing a student president.

I wanna run!

I have so many ideas for improving the school.

Improving Greendale takes more than ideas, Annie.

It takes time, gasoline, matches.

Mm, nice.

Well, news flash, Jeff. Some of us care about more than just fixing our hair and sculpting our abs.

Wow. You got me pegged.

Democracy. What a ruse.

There's no such thing as a system in which the masses hold any... Everyone wants you to shut up.

And yet I won't. Case in point.

..

We tend to take democracy for granted in America.

But the fact is men have fought and died for the sacred right we exercise today.

So anyone who wants to be president, line up by the ice cream machine.

Your applause will determine who gets into the primaries.

And yes, this is a ladies Uncle Sam outfit.

It's my sister's. It was last-minute.

I had no choice.

I wonder if that's the same sister that tweets me to ask if I think her brother's cute.

Jeff, what happened to that pile of campaign fliers I gave you?

I hung 'em all up.

Real nice.

Is it too much to ask you to pitch in?

I'm sorry, Annie. I'm not the worker bee type.

I'm more of a silverback gorilla with the claws a lion, the teeth of a shark, and the quiet dignity of a tortoise.

All right. First up is this fella.

Let's go. Come on.

All right, tell everybody your name.

Garrett. Okay, Garrett.

And why do you want to be president?

I wanted ice cream, so I got in line...

Okay, okay. He wanted ice cream.

So what do we say, gang?

Does he make it to the next round?

By applause.

Oh! We've got our first nominee.

All right, the bar has been set.

All right, stand to the side. Stand to the side.

You know what?

At least worker bees can set aside their egos and join together to support a larger cause.

Oh, right, because politics are all about larger causes.

Face it, Annie.

Politics are all about ego, popularity, and parlor tricks.

Don't kid a lawyer.

Well, if I see one, I won't.

Oh, it's a girl! Look at this.

She's got a yellow shirt and a hat.

Who are you, sweetie?

Uh, Vicki.

Who's up for some Vicki, huh?

Abed Nadir, I'm special agent Robin Vohlers.

This is special agent Keenlan of the United States Secret Service.

Will you submit to a search of your personal belongings?

Sure.

If I may ask, how did you notice the campus was being observed?

I guess I noticed because I'm used to being the only observer.

Well, we're not used to being noticed.

That sounds a little sad.

He's clean.

Although I could issue a warning for this bootleg of The Last Airbender.

Where were you a week ago?

You can keep it.

Well, another one makes the cut.

Congratulations, Leonard.

Oh, yes, wonderful.

Next up, Annie Edison.

My name is Annie Edison.

And if elected, I promise to make Greendale the signature community college of the entire western

3/4 of the Greendale area. Annie!

Oh, whoa! Looks like you're in the running, Annie.

Looks like it is hard not to be. Next up...

I'm sorry. Hey, I got the heat, I gotta go.

I believe that humankind need not be governed.

I don't care.

Well, it's good to know there's a floor on this thing.

Thank you, miss Perry.

Oh, Annie, I'm so proud of you.

People love you.

I believe this campus is a good place, filled with good people who just need someone to protect their interests.

Jeff Winger!

My name is Jeff. I'm no politician.

I'm just a fella.

I think that beer should be cold and boots should be dusty.

I think 9/11 was bad.

And freedom, well, I think that's just a little bit better.

Whoo! Yeah!

The countdown has begun.

And at 5:00 tonight, one student will be president while the rest will simply be.

For Greendale campus TV, I'm Abed Nadir.

I'm Troy "Butt Soup" Barnes. What? That's my name.

As we head into the first round of the debates, there are eight candidates in the lead.

Annie Edison... smart, attractive, but easily vexed.

Leonard Rodriguez... Did he change his last name?

Yeah, he's trying to court the Hispanic vote.

Alex "Starburns" Osbourne...

Creepy. Seems Greek. Possible drug dealer.

Jeff Winger. Crowd favorite.

They call him Hot Wings.

Magnitude. Short for Magnetic Attitude.

He's a one-man party.

Pierce Hawthorne. The wizard of wet wipes.

I live with that dude.

He's got night terrors and a rotary phone.

Garrett. That guy's just a mess.

It's like God spilled a person.

And Vicki. Yellow shirt, hat.

Girl... you know, you gotta ask yourself right now, Abed.

What's up with politics? Yeah, yeah.

You're precisely right, Troy.

You know, I hear they're getting ready to start, so we'll turn it over to coverage of the debates.

Who's that?

Special agent Vohlers. United States Secret Service.

Do you just constantly have your own little side adventures?

Yep.

Me too.

Hmm.

Jeff, knock it off.

You're not running sincerely.

You're not even interested in student government.

I know, and yet, the people love me.

It's almost as if politics were a huge joke.

Okay, look.

I'm sorry I asked you to hang my fliers, but I suggest you drop out right now, because not only will I beat you, I will make you cry.

Mmm.

Oh, I feel a slight ego blowing in from the east.

You're gonna feel my foot blowing in from the south.

Bring it on, Ponce de Leon.

I'm gonna, Greg Muldunna.

It's a real guy.

He owns a mattress store downtown.

You can look it up.

Hey, Vicki.

Psst!

Vicki, look at me. Psst!

I'm going to crush you. Pierce!

Stop that!

I'm gonna eat your brains, Vicki.

I'm gonna slurp 'em right out of that melon you call a head.

A reminder to all candidates:

Your microphones are currently on.

Well, they better be, 'cause I'm on fire up here.

You freak people out, you know that?

You look weird...

Because of your overbite.

Okay, let's just get started.

Welcome to the Greendale Community College presidential debate.

Candidates, if elected, what will you do?

Oh, Annie?

I'm running on a platform of school improvement.

If I'm elected, the black mold will be removed from the east stairwell.

The assailant known only as "the asscrack bandit" will be brought to justice.

And I will balance the school's budget by eliminating administrative redundancies.

Okay. I'm in the room.

Thank you, miss Edison.

Mr. Winger?

Well, that's an important question.

And it's important to students like Jeremy, who told me today that he is majoring in Astronomy and is supporting two children.

It's an important question to Maria, who's a beautiful Latina born in Nicaragua, working in the cafeteria.

What will I do, dean?

Well, these people don't want me to say what I'll do.

They want me to do what I'll say.

Oh.

They love it when you shuffle the words around.

Magnitude?

Pop! Pop!

Oh, no!

Same question.

Same answer.

Pop! Pop!

Oh!

Mind if I ask you a few questions, Mr. Nadir?

Okay.

Was there a specific reason you had to repeat the first grade?

Well, from what I'm told, I didn't know how to use scissors, I sat in the middle of the seesaw, and I always found the distinction between duck and goose to be very arbitrary.

Couldn't you just pick the sixth kid every time?

That's what I...

Would have done.

I went with four.

Geez, get a room, you two.

Pierce Hawthorne, your platform?

My platform will be one high enough to push Vicki off to her death.

Ugh!

Vicki!

It looks like Vicki is out of the race.

Oh, well, then I am too.

I was only here to get back at her for not lending me a pencil.

Okay. Wow.

Uh, well...

Can we get back on track here?

I just want to get the black mold out of the east stairwell.

I just want to clean up Greendale.

Are you saying Greendale is dirty?

Oh, boo.

Boo. Well...

Of course it's dirty.

Everyone knows that.

I don't, Annie.

I think it's clean.

I think it's the cleanest school in the entire country.

You know it is.

Looks like Jeff Winger's really got this thing in the bag.

Sure does, Troy.

Say what you will about this or that, but people just like the guy.

Read my lips...

No matter what you're told...

We have to clean the mold.

No matter what you're told...

We have to clean the mold!

That's right, people!

No matter what you're told...

We have to clean the mold.

Come on. Yeah!

Well, this is interesting.

Annie Edison has reduced her platform to one issue and turned that issue into a sound bite.

And it rhymes and people love it.

This election's become a real horse race.

According to our polls, the campus is almost evenly divided.

Now keep in mind the margin of error on this thing is about 98%.

Could be higher.

We don't even know how to do margins of error.

We talked to two people at a vending machine.

Well, I'm being told we're taking a quick break, but stay tuned. They have to stay tuned.

It's closed circuit television. Don't know what that means.

And we're out.

Can I get an apple juice, please?

Freshly squeezed this time or so help me God, Maurice.

Abed, those guys in the suits are trashing your dorm room real bad, bro.

What are you doing?

Random spot check, Mr. Nadir.

Stay out of our way.

Nothing suspicious.

Glenn, bring the car around.

What are you looking for, Robin?

Fertilizer, car battery, PVC piping, anything suspicious.

Because you think I'm suspicious?

Or because you wish I was suspicious, so that you would have an excuse to see more of me.

This was a random spot check.

Do you like me? That's not really relevant.

That's close enough.

Are you sure?

You smell like nice soap.

I have to go.

I'm sorry you weren't a more obvious potential threat to the country.

People are pretty excited about this black mold issue.

We'll see.

For my closing statement, I'm thinking about smashing a watermelon with a hammer.

Jeff, if I admit politics are stupid, will you stop making them stupid?

You're gonna split the vote and Starburns is gonna end up president.

I'm the only one up here who's trying to get something done.

And you deserve to be allowed to do it?

You're entitled to be president?

The gloves are coming off. You understand me?

I have an audio-visual presentation.

Wow. I'm shaking.

You should be. You should be.

All right, let us resume.

Star-burns, we haven't heard from you on this black mold issue.

Yeah, I actually withdraw my candidacy.

I fear a political career will shine a negative light on my drug dealing.

Thank you.

Dean, before this election stops being about the issues, I have a question for my opponents.

What's your favorite color?

Mine's a three-way tie.

Red, white, and blue.

Magnitude, a response?

I think you know, dean.

Pop! Pop!

Oh, I set him up.

I have an audio-visual presentation, dean.

Oh, well, that sounds interesting.

What's your presentation, Annie?

My presentation is a copy of Jeff Winger's

1997 audition tape for MTV's The Real World.

What? What?

Let's just roll it. Thanks.

Hey, I'm Jeff Winger and I'd love to be on MTV's Real World: Seattle.

So check this out.

♪ Well I guess it would be nice ♪

♪ if I could be on MTV ♪

♪ so please please take a look at me ♪

♪ for the real world ♪

♪ Oh I'm gonna apply twice ♪ Where the hell did you get that?

Folks, who do you want shaking Joe Biden's hand at 5:00 P.M.?

Me or...

Shut up! I was, like, 19.

We've all been 19, Jeff, and none of us did this.

None of us.

Pop! Pop!

I hate you!

I hate this school!

And I hope you all get black mold poisoning!

Oh, Jeffrey, no!

I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!

Oh, Jeffrey, no.

Are you in here?

Yeah, to be alone.

I've already established the men's room doesn't work.

You have an apartment.

There are people in the parking lot singing that song.

I went too far.

I'm sorry.

I didn't know it would be that bad.

You knew.

You didn't care.

But don't apologize.

I got what I deserved.

I am a gross, jaded adult with control issues that couldn't let a young, bright, idealistic kid run for president.

Wait, isn't there a final round of debates?

Yeah. I...

You guys!

You're missing it!

Troy, I'm out.

Me too.

I withdrew my candidacy.

Nobody that treats a friend the way that I did is fit to represent the student body.

Uh, yeah, I know you're both out.

I'm saying you're missing it.

It's the political showdown of the century.

Come on.

Pop! Pop!

Pop! Pop!

Pop! Pop!

Pop! Pop!

You should have stayed in the running.

You're the only real candidate.

No, I was just another jerk trying to win a contest.

You were right the whole time.

I just couldn't admit it until I saw you running away crying.

Yay.

I care what you think about me, you know?

Yeah, well, I care what you think about me.

That's why this happened.

Okay, well...

Resolved, then.

Resolved.

When we seek to destroy others, we often hurt our self.

Because it is the self that wants to be destroyed.

Pierce, you're not usually so poignant.

Well, Vicki finally lent me her pencil.

Oh, my God! Pierce!

Go to the health center!

Yeah.

Well, we've finally reached the end of election road.

Arguments have been made, pops have been popped.

Hearts have been stirred, perhaps broken.

The only thing that remains is to tally the vote in this matchup between the youthful, charismatic Magnitude, and the Leonard "the Human Raisin" Rodriguez.

Two men fighting for the same piece of earth.

One recently born. One soon to die.

A competition reflecting the pointlessness of life.

Pull up, Abed. You're in a nosedive.

I'm being told now that dean Pelton is prepared to announce a winner.

We take you now live to across the room.

Okay. Here we go.

Thank you, Sergio.

With 11 votes cast...

11? Come on, people.

The landslide winner of the student election with seven votes is...

South Park.

Okay. You know what?

I seem to recall this is why we abolished student government in the first place.

This is exactly what happened ten years ago.

Hey, how hard is it to get rid of black mold?

What do we need, buckets and sponges?

I don't actually know.

We'll look it up.

M'lady.

Well, there you have it.

In a shocking write-in upset, the Comedy Central cartoon series South Park has been elected president of the Greendale student body.

Not that shocking to me. I voted for it.

For real? Mm-hmm.

Me too. Aww.

We can never stop being friends.

As the confetti gets swept away and we begin gearing up for next year's election, for GCTV, I'm Abed Nadir saying, "Did you know you could make napalm out of common dish soap and cat food?"

What?

Why would you say that?

Vohlers. Hmm?

Yeah.

I'm sorry, sir.

We're gonna have to move on to city college.

Apparently there's an elevated threat level at Greendale.

But don't worry.

I'll check it out...Personally.

Whatever.

I had a dream I was the regular president.

You've done so much for our city.

Kickpuncher, is there anything that we can give you?

Don't call me Kickpuncher.

Call me...David.

This was fun.

Maybe you can observe me having dinner next time you're in town.

Honk twice for "yes," once for "no."

Cool. Cool, cool, cool.