Community S2E2 Script

Accounting for Lawyers (2010)

Why is everyone wearing those hats?

Is the dean planning another ridiculous event, or is the Greendale Hat Club still struggling to be noteworthy?

You're talking about it. I talk about lots of stuff that annoys me.

Speaking of the dean... Guten tag, homies.

I hope you'll all be attending Oktoberfest.

It's not often we get to celebrate German culture.

It's not often we want to.

Yeah... A little goes a long way.

True.

Greendale's Oktoberfest has never drawn huge crowds, probably due to our diversity.

So this year, we are adding some color!

Kick it!

I'm gonna give this to you, Troy.

"Pop and locktoberfest."

The central event will be a pop-and-lock-a-thon.

Winner gets to annex Poland.

Kidding!

The winner gets an iTunes gift card.

Okay. Oh! A break-dance contest.

What should we name our team?

Okay. I'm gonna go hang myself in my closet.

I'm comin' with.

Is it me, or is this campus getting more cartoonish every day?

Yep. It's exciting.

I painted a tunnel on the side of the library.

When it dries, I'm going for it.

Okay. You see that guy over there?

The one wearing the Gucci suit and the lightweight woven wool-mohair blend?

We used to work together.

Cool. So he's from your origins.

This is all I need.

Excuse me, sir. You're all my friend needs.

Your mouth isn't curved upwards. Did I misread something?

Ah... Tango?

Sundance. We worked with different partners. Got it.

Ha ha! Hey...

What brings you to Greendale?

I'm a teacher.

Wait. That's worse than the truth.

I'm a student.

Hey, I'm in no position to judge.

I'm here for an NA meeting, so...

Narcotics anonymous? Remember when you asked for my secret, I said yoga? I lied.

I'm Abed. Hey.

Abed, this is Alan Connor.

This guy and I used to wipe the courtroom floor with prosecutors.

DA called us the litterbugs, we put so much trash back out on those streets.

Come here, come here!

You still ticklish? Stop that!

Hey, hey, hey. Let's get a drink, huh?

Are you allowed? Yeah. I quit doing blow, not being rad.

All right, let's do it.

Wait. Jeff can't go. He has class.

Well, those cargo pants would suggest otherwise.

What has this place done to you?

Ah. You have no idea.

Hat club!

Now you have some idea.


So...

So?

Anyone that's ever been in a team pop-and-lock-a-thon knows you need at least seven people to stand a chance.

We have seven. Oh, do you?

Word has it on campus that Winger's too busy hanging out with his cool new lawyer friend.

Ha. Slow news day.

That's your Carson?

Jon Stewart.

You depress me. Look, we'll get back to you.

All right, well, don't take too long.

And don't rip off this exit.

Shoom, shoom.

Where is Jeff? Obviously hanging with Alan.

Those two are like siamese twins attached at the cell phone holster.

I haven't met him yet.

Shouldn't we be happy that Jeff found an old friend?

Our concern is that Alan is to Jeff what Rob Lowe was to James Spader in the 1990 film bad influence.

He's a bad influence.

You saw it?

Hey, uh, guys.

Uh, I'm gonna be a little bit late today.

Alan and I are gonna take a quick sidebar.

Mmm, or any bar.

Oh, he's got Britta down!

You look familiar. That's possible.

Have you or someone you know been injured at work?

Oh!

Yes! A shrimp boat ran over my cousin.

That's serious. Call me.

And, Jeff, you need to be more respectful of our time.

Shirley, if I killed a man, as a Christian, would you forgive me?

I would.

Then either that man's life is worth less than your time, or it's okay for me to be late.

Ha ha! No!

You still got the moves, man.

If they gave away awards for mind games, the statue'd be Jeff Winger doing it to a brain.

Come on, Jeff's bush league.

I gave seminars on manipulation.

I could reach into a man's soul and unravel it with one tug.

Cool. Hit me.

You're bald. So are you.

I'll kill you, you...

Come here! Mistrial.

Ha ha ha! Come on, man.

I have hair.

Father, I have hair.

On a tax evasion case.

Yeah.

God, I miss talking about this stuff!

Well, you should visit the office.

Right. I can't show my face there after getting busted like that.

Jeff, you know what lawyers call someone who defrauds the state bar, cheats on his LSATs, and cons his way into a firm?

Best... lawyer... ever.

Seriously?

Hey, tomorrow night. Office party.

You're my guest.

Oh. Naw.

Come on, you just said you missed it.

I do.

I really, really do.

What does Alan have that we don't?

A butt for Jeff's Weiner.

I mean, we all have butts too.

We have butts. Just not for the same thi...

I'm trying to say they're gay.

Well, I don't like how much drinking and carousing they do.

It's a gateway to narcotics.

Narcotics! I know how I know Alan!

But I'm not allowed to say.

Which means that you met him in narcotics anonymous.

Why bring it up if you're not allowed?

Because... he said something at a meeting about something bad he did. Oh.

And he might have done it to Jeff, but I can't say what it is.

Okay. You've gone from precious to annoying.

What if you don't say it out loud but we guess?

Like charades? With this group?

I'm watching.

Four words.

"Alan got Jeff disbarred." Uh...

Oh, please, those junkies weren't thinking about rules when they were shooting up scag.

Jeff, Alan narced on you! Narced?

Hmm. But he's like way too primo for that, Frank Zappa.

I think he turned you in to the state bar.

I was in an NA meeting, and he bragged about it.

He doesn't recognize me, because my hair's longer, my skin's clearer, I...

I've lost a lot of weight. Annie.

He said he turned me in?

He said he sent an email that got a rival coworker fired.

It was around the time you got caught.

I know they never covered this on yo, gabba gabba, but that's called circumstantial.

Any other meaningless conspiracy theories?

Yes. Did you know that go-gurt is just yogurt?

You know what a therapist calls this kind of a relationship, right?

A gold mine.

Codependent.

You guys don't want me to be happy.

You want me to need you.

It's getting a little claustrophobic.

I used to run full-speed through the boundless wilderness, and now I'm in the zoo where the horizon is wallpaper and the air is stale and nothing is ever at stake.

In other words, we're not cool.

I never said that. You may have heard it.

I may have thought it, and it may be true.

But I never said it. Jeff, will we see you tomorrow night at the pop-and-lock-a-thon?

No, Abed, I'm going to a cool party at my cool former law firm from when my life was cool.

Fine. You can be on the team.

New deal.

If we win, I get to be in the study group.

The stakes have never been higher.

I just wanna thank everybody for coming.

You know, when I became a lawyer, I had a dream.

I had a dream that one day I'd be head of a firm so nobody would be able to talk about the big, weird hole in my hand.

I know everybody talks about it behind my back, and that's okay. You know, I would.

What's great, though, is that you don't stare or ask any questions.

And as a reward for your restraint, got a little something for ya.

There.

That oughta keep you goin' to Christmas.

Everybody have fun tonight!

Anyone else with that hand would wear a glove.

He controls a room with it.

He's the master.

Well, he sure is a fan of yours.

Oh, um...

Hey, when you talk to him, will you mention me?

He keeps passing me over for partner.

Alan, did you invite me here with an ulterior motive?

God, I miss this place!

God, it's a sea of Wingers.

This whole place reeks of moral ambiguity.

Actually, that was me. I apologize.

Now, you guys are new to high society, so just... follow my lead, everything will be fine.

First, why are you here?

Second, I don't care. Leave.

As a matter of fact, Jeff, we were invited.

Why would anyone do that?

Hey, you guys made it!

Come on in.

Okay, before this gets more embarrassing, what is your misguided plan?

To apologize to you for casting aspersions on your friend.

And to show you we can be cool.

Hey! Is that Jeff Winger?

Find Annie and leave.

Ted! Hey, man!

What's goin' on? Wow!

Once Annie gets Alan's office number, you guys break into his office, hack into his emails, and find proof that he screwed Jeff over.

Fourth floor. 470.

First he said it was 69.

I wanna rub purell on my brain.

You are so missed here, Jeff.

If we had five guys around here with your balls, we wouldn't need 30 lawyers.

True. But we'd need a good doctor.

Ted, stop hittin' on my date.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

I'm kidding. We can share.

I get the head!

I love the brain in there! Arr, arr, arr, arr!

I'll eat it.

Hey, everybody, Jeff Winger's here!

Hey!

Shouldn't we notify someone that our team's not gonna make it to the pop-and-lock-a-thon?

You actually think anybody cares?

Um, checking in for the Heather pop and locklears.

Okay. And, um... where's the rest of your team?

Oh, they'll be here.

I suppose you're allowed to start by yourself, but you won't stand a chance if you don't have someone... they'll be here!

I brought stuff people use for capers.

Suction cup.

Credit card.

Chloroform.

The credit card doesn't work, the chloroform does.

Annie, go back and keep lookout.

Why me lookout? Why not you guys?

'Cause if someone comes up here, Kanye and Kumar get taken to jail.

You get taken to dinner. You guys!

I am the smartest one in this whole group, and all I've been used for is bait and distraction.

Ohh!

Go on your stupid mission. I hope it sucks.

What did she say? I don't know.

All I heard was suck.

I'm surprised that Alan hasn't made partner yet.

I'm surprised I haven't fired him.

Why? I mean, he's got a better win record than I do.

He's a spineless trust fund jagoff.

I'll tell you what, Jeff.

You're the best liar I ever employed.

If you can look me in the eye and tell me you actually like Alan, I'll make him a full partner.

Well, I only ever really liked one person.

My mom.

And she liked my dad.

And after all the dust and custody was settled, the guy I really admired... Not liked, admired...

Was the lawyer leaving the courthouse in the great-looking suit and a sky blue Mercedes SLK.

Sweet ride. Sweet job.

Sweet life. He didn't care.

He couldn't care.

And the less he cared, the better he was.

We are a special breed because we rise above the sloppy stuff and look at the bottom line.

You wanna like your employees? Open a hair salon.

You wanna win? Make Alan partner.

The student has become the master.

Thank you, Jeff.

You make me wanna be a worse man.

By the way, just 'cause you can't work cases here doesn't mean you can't work.

You can always be a consultant.

Ted... That would be amazing.

Oh. I'll be right back.

I didn't know they had rules.

Hey, Jeff. I'm sure you know Phillip.

Did you know that if I sleep with Philip once a month, I can use his beach house in Rio whenever I want?

Wow.

You guys are really on to something.

I think you found the world's newest profession.

Guys, guys, did you know I actually have a civil case against that bitch that stole my husband?

Shirley, don't sue a stripper.

Why not? She's a stripper.

Life sued her, and she lost. Where's Pierce?

Jeez, why am I even worried about him?

Hey.

Did you know there's an island in Indonesia where you can hunt people?

We need to talk.

I think this is it. Print it.

'Scuse me.

Who are you guys? This is not your office.

I can explain.

Let me explain.

Oh, my God!

I didn't know what to do. Oh, my God!

I usually have one foot out of reality, and even I'm freaking out right now.

You chloroformed the janitor?

Stop yelling at me! You're the ones that got caught!

You're the one who's yelling!

We're in big trouble! We have to do something!

Oh, I don't know what to do. My whole brain is crying!

Oh! Oh oh oh!

Guys, guys, guys!

Hey, hey, I have an idea.

Okay, it may sound a little weird, but trust me.

What's... happening?

Oh! We all got chloroformed!

Somebody chloroformed all of us.

And now we're regaining consciousness together.

I don't understand. Who's she?

Why is she holding a rag?

Okay, that was the worst idea ever.

Can we please just run away now?

Yeah. Yeah.

It is the fourth straight hour, and Ben Chang is still on his own.

One can only imagine what is driving him to...

Push himself to such limits!

My body hurts.

My body hurts.

You jealous because we're fitting in with your cool friends?

No. I'm distracted, watching you mutate.

Britta, you're not a whore.

Shirley, Jesus turned the other cheek.

He didn't garnish wages.

Pierce, do I even need to say this?

It is bad to hunt man for sport.

Bad ass.

This is the email that Alan sent the bar association.

He stabbed you in the back, Jeff.

He's a bad friend.

You're right.

He is a bad friend.

But he is a good lawyer.

Now, I appreciate you guys caring, but you have to understand that I don't.

Caring is lethal around here.

It's... it's a disease.

You guys have it. I don't.

So if you do care about me, don't infect me.

Now, go win that pop-and-lock-a-thon.

I'll see you Monday.

It's like watching a soul slip through our fingers.

But what more can we do?

Would you stop?

Tango!

I don't know how you did it, man...

But you're looking at the firm's next partner.

If I wasn't actively repressing my bi-curiosity, I would kiss you full on your beautiful mouth.

Well, maybe you can return the favor one day.

Maybe... I can return it right now.

You probably know that it was someone here at the firm who turned you in.

God, this is really hard.

Alan... It's okay.

You can tell me.

It was Thompson.

Thompson. Yeah.

Thompson that adopted three at-risk teens and donated his kidney to a temp.

All an act. Mm.

Yeah. Why do you think he quit right after you left?

Well, his... his wife died.

Did she...Jeff?

Did...She?

Anyway...Congrats.

Hey, let's go do some shots with Phil, huh?

No, you go ahead. I, uh...

I think I caught something...

At... at Greendale.

College chicks. I get ya!

You're bad!

It hurts!

Shamone... It hurts!

Ben, you need to switch up your moves.

Ohh...

Do my eyes deceive me?

Troy Barnes tagging in for the save!

Oh! Oh, my God!

Only two teams left.

The poppy lockstockings, and the Heather pop and locklears!

Troy, what's wrong? I don't know.

My heart's just not in it.

Maybe we should quit.

I mean, who even cares about this anyway?

Next up, looks like Jeffery Winger!

Oh, Jeffrey, you're back! Oh!

Did you miss me? Took you long enough.

Oh!

Now we got it.

Hey! Yes!

Jeffrey, did you punch Alan in his rotten face and then storm out? Hell, no.

That guy's useful to me.

Thanks to you, I've now got leverage over a spineless jag that just made partner.

That is the place I want to work.

But I prefer to hang out with cool people, people so cool... They care.

Oh!

And now... The Puppet.

Jeffrey!

Ah, no parking on the dance floor, Winger.

No, I'm serious. You're disqualified.

The winners are the poppy lockstockings!

Noooooo!

I been popping and locking for five hours, and you threw it all away!

The contest doesn't matter.

What's important is we have each other.

Then... Can I be in your study group?

Well, that wasn't the deal.

We lost, so...

That was dope, what we did.

That was so good!

The Puppet too! The Puppet was so...

I rolled my ankle during that.

Aw! Twisted it?

It was worth it, though.

You know what, he's bringing us down.

Let's move him. Can we move him?

Psst! Troy!

It's me.

Abed?

I made it through!

I'm a cartoon now.

That's impossible.

Nothing's impossible in here. Animals can talk.

Your heart is shaped like a heart.

And the smell of pie can make you float.

You have to believe, Troy.

Wait! You don't have to believe.

I didn't.

I didn't.

I may have done some damage there.