Community S2E20 Script

Competitive Wine Tasting (2011)

Don't forget, Greendale.

It's the last day to sign up for a spring semester elective!

Horseback riding!

Water skiing! Fencing!

Those are just a few classes we can afford to offer if enough people pay to learn hopscotch.

Oh, they've got a class on how to write jokes.

Oh, don't take that.

I dropped it after the lesson on setups.

The Professor is so old...

So many classes.

I don't know what to choose.

I'll give you the same advice my father gave me the night I lost my virginity.

"Just pick one.

They all cost the same."

You could always take

"The Actor Inside" with me and Troy.

How'd you get dragged into that one?

Our dance teacher encourages us to take acting classes to tap into our emotional cores, so Troy and I both decided to take it together.

Hmm. Foosball was full?

I'm on the wait list.

Don't give up.

I was on the wait list for this media class for a year and a half and I finally got in.

"Who Indeed: A Critical Analysis of Television's Who's the Boss?"

The professor of this class is the author of this book.

We got him? I know.

So what are you taking, Jeff?

Well, while you knuckleheads are expanding your minds and souls, I'll be expanding my liver in "Italian Wine Tasting."

Oh! Molto bene!

I'm taking that one, too.

Hmm. How do you say "ha ha" in Italian?

I'll look it up.

Come on, Jeff, it'll be fun. I can give you pointers.

Pierce, I was a lawyer at a top-tier law firm.

When I wasn't shielding the wealthy from justice, I was drinking their finest wines.

I assume you have your own wine cellar.

Pierce does.

And it's, "ha ha!"

Anyone can have a cellar.

It's what's in it that counts.

Pierce's has a special gym with swings and saddles.

Uh, we don't... we don't discuss the special gym.

Uh, attention, please.

All elective forms must be in by the end of the day.

Oh, nice job, Manuel.

And good news. There's still plenty of room in my P.A. Announcements class.

Just ten bucks an hour.

♪ Give me some rope, time in a tree ♪

♪ give me the hope to run out of steam ♪

♪ somebody said we could be here ♪

♪ we could be roped up, tied up, dead in a year ♪

♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay ♪

♪ one by one they all just fade away ♪ You're taking this, too?

Hell, yeah.

Got drunk ladies, fancy bathrooms, and a room full of free coats.

Sorry I'm late, man.

I brought you a present.

Oh.

From before your chin dimple filled in.

Uh, excuse me.

So sorry. Hmm!

Wow.

Who is the dumpling with the nice Asian pair?

That's the first time sexism has made me hungry, but she is something.

I fear I may have to let her see me nude.

I might have to take a shot myself.

What's so funny?

Well, why would a woman want a Plymouth on cinder blocks when she could have a Testarossa, 500 horsepower with a six-speed stick?

'Cause my stick is ribbed for her pleasure.

I think those are wrinkles.

Let that breathe.

Lingering scent, full body, perfect nose.

Very nice wine.

I was talking about you.

Jeff Winger.

Wu Mei Hong Long.

Oh, what a lovely name for a lovely...

Uh, not interested.

Please take weird haircut, stupid grin, and go sniff another dog's ass.

Hmm hmm, the red dragon ordered a number 37 with a side of pork-fried snap.

When you get up close, she's very homely.

This is gonna be fun.

I can't wait till we choose stage names.

Which do you think is better?

Trevor St. McGoodbody or David?

I don't think you have to worry about stuff like that.

This class is more about introspection.

Drag.

Less of a drag.

Quiet!

Form a trust circle around me and sit on the floor.

A trust circle?

It's just a circle.

It's a circle. Sit down.

Acting is revealing, expression.

When we release pain, we become visible to each other, and that is an actor's job.

That and, you know, pretending to be other people.

Let's start with you.

Access and share with us a profoundly deep and painful memory.

I'm on the playground.

Stop taunting me!

I just want to go on the swings!

Good.

Early childhood is a treasure trove of pain.

That happened this morning.

You're up.

Me? Um...

I don't... I don't think, uh...

I don't want you to think.

Feel!

Go back.

Dig in. Emotilize.

Something hurt you.

Um...

I was captain of my high school football team.

It was very hard being popular.

What a loser.

Okay, great. Next person.

I've always felt somehow ignored, almost invisible.

Like every time I go to say something, somebody just...

My uncle put his finger in my no-no!

This... this is where acting begins.

Welcome to "A Critical Analysis of Who's the Boss?"

I am Professor Peter Sheffield, and I'd like to begin with a simple question...

Who was the boss?

Yes.

Angela.

Oh, well! Class dismissed!

No, calm down. Calm down.

I'm sorry, um...

Mister...? Abed.

The answer is not quite that simple, Mr. Abed.

Few are.

Now, if everyone could please turn to page 12 in my book...

Loser!

You really have to finish that whole book by tomorrow?

Yeah, but it's a page-turner.

I'm on the chapter where he traces Tony Micelli's genealogy all the way back to Caesar.

Well, it's gotta be better than wine tasting with Pierce.

He refused to drink Pinot Noir because he thought it was French for "black penis."

And he's late. Again.

It's not your fault.

It's not your fault.

Oh, I'm sure he'll be here.

He wouldn't miss a chance to pop in and say something offensive.

One day soon, that man's gonna run out of ways to shock people.

Everybody, this is Wu Mei, and we're getting married!

But it's not gonna be today.

So, uh, you're getting married to that beautiful young thing?

Well, uh, stranger things have happened.

No. No, they haven't.

You said you guys just met?

Yesterday, after wine tasting class.

I mentioned that her breasts were larger than most Asian women, and, uh, we just got to talking.

Turns out Pierce has been to China many times.

It's the only place to get fireworks that are too dangerous for Mexico.

No. I go to visit my factory.

Hawthorne Wipes are the number one moist towelette in Asia.

Anyway, after a few minutes, we both just knew we were meant to be together forever.

Or at least until she gets heavy.

And, uh, now we must leave you.

Many plans to make.

Yes, yes, big plans.

Well, what are we gonna do?

Plan an engagement party?

Are you out of your mind?! This is a scam.

She's after him for his money or a green card or something!

They seem to really like each other.

Yeah, and Pierce married three of his wives after knowing them less than a month.

Maybe he's just a romantic.

Not that you would understand romance.

Don't preach to me about romance, Annie.

I had a three-way in a hot air balloon.

Guess I'll do it myself.

Want to go? Mm-hmm.

Boy, he seems really worked up.

Hey, don't take on his pain.

Tend your own garden.

I'll see you in class.

What's going on?

Oh, um, I didn't have a painful experience to share in acting class, so I made up this story about my uncle trying to touch my butt.

Britta's attracted to men in pain.

It helps her pretend to be mentally healthy.

Really? Yeah.

I hadn't noticed.

Troy? Nothing good can come of this.

Yeah.

I'll have to think really hard about how to defuse the situation.

No, uncle Lucius!

I don't want to play in the laundry room!

My emotions!

My emotions!

Actors dismissed.

Uh, for homework, drink a glass of cognac in a bathtub.

Troy, I feel like I'm seeing a whole different side of you.

There's just so much darkness.

And my soul is darkening, and my heart is mad at my kidneys, and...

My mouth...Mm!

See you tomorrow?

Uh, hello.

Oh, hi. I'm glad you could come.

Please sit.

I felt like we got off on the wrong foot yesterday, and I wanted to offer you my, uh, other foot.

First, let me just say how happy I am for you both.

Your parents must be so excited.

Are they coming to the wedding?

Oh, they would not miss it.

My mother will make the customary shark's fin soup, and my father will get drunk and make bad impression of Borat.

Oh, so your parents don't mind having a son-in-law roughly their age?

No. Pierce is a beautiful, wise man, very gentle soul.

Uh, let me tell you that I am a lawyer, so if you need any help at all navigating the whole green card immigration hassle.

I am dual citizen already.

Oh. Well, if you'd like me to look at the prenup...

I assume you have one.

Yes, but my father's lawyers will take care of this.

After all, we must protect our family fortune.

Hmm.

Now I'm stumped.

Excuse me?

Uh, it was...

That means it was very nice talking to you.

Oh, okay, if you say so.

Okay. Okay, good-bye.

Why were you grilling her?

Listen, I'm gonna bust into her apartment.

Do you have any grappling hooks.

Maybe Pierce finally found his soul mate.

How can you say those things without any trace of irony?

That's why they call me irony-free Annie.

Mm, trust me, that's not what they call you.

Yes?

Oh. Mr. Abed. What can I do for you?

I finished your book, Professor, and I've been watching episodes of Who's the Boss?

And I think there's something that you might have overlooked.

Mr. Abed, will you look at my wall?

Mm-hmm. What do you see?

Photographs. Of what?

You. With whom?

Tony Danza, Judith Light, Alyssa Milano, Who's the Boss? Season three caterer, Gordon "Giddy-up" Galligan.

I have studied this show, mister Abed.

I am not a fan, I am not a groupie, I am an academic.

When I ask the question, "Who's the boss?"

It is a rhetorical question.

When I ask the question beyond the question, "What is a boss?"

I really think it's Angela, because if it's a boss...

Enough!

I would like you to leave my room.

My mind is open, Professor.

It's as open as the door to Mona's bedroom.

It's a shame yours isn't. I beg your pardon?

You know? I just got a wonderful idea.

Why don't you teach the next class?

That way you can share your open mind with everybody.

Cool. Cool cool cool.

Pchew.

I couldn't be more touched that you all threw us an engagement party.

You said if we didn't, you'd slash our tires.

She is funny.

Like Oprah.

Oprah's not a comedienne.

No, you are funny, and you are like Oprah.

Yeah. What?

Thank you.

Pierce, I'd like to offer my sincere congratulations.

It's hard enough to find people you can stand in this life, let alone someone who's willing to stomach your imminent dementia and present incontinence.

Thank you, Jeff.

I just hope she can satisfy me.

I'm like an insatiable baboon in the bedroom.

Don't sell yourself short.

You're a baboon everywhere.

Seems like just yesterday me and Abed dined and ditched here.

Here, hold this.

Ugh, what is this?

I always carry some spare apps in case the wait staff's racist.

Where's a napkin?

Uh, here you go.

Oh, thanks.

Check that out.

Hats off to Pierce and the hot red dragon.

Why do you keep calling her that?

"Hong Long" means red dragon.

But that's her middle name.

In China, they put the last name first.

I mean, they're nuts over there.

Hm-hmm.

Thank you all for coming.

I know it seems fast, but when you find the right person, you just know it.

I know that because I've found the right person seven times.

So the drinks are on me, but stick to the crappy stuff.

I don't want to get corn-holed on the bar tab.

Pierce, you can't just throw around a term like that.

Corn-hole.

Corn-hole, corn-hole!

Pierce! Troy was molested!

Cool.

Troy, we didn't know.

Troy, do you need me to recommend a support group?

Hey, he's not a victim.

You're a survivor.

Yeah, about that...

I wasn't so much "molested" as much as I "made it up."

What?

We're gonna laugh so hard about this later.

I'd like to propose a toast.

Wu Mei Hong Long, better known as Mei Hong Long Wu, is not only not a Greendale student, she works for Red Dragon Wwipes, the number two wipe in Asia, currently attempting a takeover of Hawthorne Wipes.

So please, raise your glasses to saving Pierce from the clutches of a corporate spy, and to me for being attractive enough to get a girl like her under normal circumstances.

Very impressive, Veronica Mars.

You learned how to use Google.

And you learned to fight your physical desire for me.

Oh, stick it.

You suck.

Wait, wait, wait.

Record scratch app.

Where'd everybody go?

Most people went home.

The rest went with Chang to your place to have a ketchup fight.

Oh, jeez, I better get back there before he starts playing monkey drop.

Don't ask.

Oh, uh, do you want to come?

Why would I want to go anywhere with Judas Winger?

You're mad at me? You should be thanking me.

For what? Ruining my relationship?

What relationship?

You just met the woman, and the entire thing was a lie.

She was just using you to get your company in China.

And I was just using her to get her company in the sack.

People use each other Jeff.

It doesn't mean that there aren't good feelings that go along with it.

I liked her.

She was busty.

I thought we had something.

I was trying to help you.

I think what you were trying to do is prove that no woman could want me.

Oh, you're here.

Look, Britta, I'm really sorry.

Troy, kissing you was a mistake.

It will never happen again.

Good.

Before my ex-boyfriend Pablo was arrested for forging church relics, he accused me of only being attracted to a certain kind of guy.

It was hard to understand him, though.

He was pretty huffed up on paint thinners.

Well, maybe someday, you'll fall for someone who's healthy.

Someone who, other than his irrational fear of automatic toilets, is normal.

Who would like to begin today?

I would.

With a confession.

My uncle never stuck his finger in my plop-plop.

I know. I'm bummed about it, too.

I'm sorry.

I...want to be interesting.

I want to fit in with you guys.

I want to be able to be an actor.

The pain of not having enough pain is still pain, young man.

That may seem like an easy resolution, but...

We're not writers.

We're actors.

Story doesn't matter here.

All that matters is our time in the spotlight.

And so, by all known definitions of the word "boss," I.E., one with authority over another, in 9 of 11 known possible fields in which one might teach, employ, guide, oversee, and/or otherwise hold dominion, the empirically provable answer to the question "who's the boss?" is...

Angela Bauer.

Class dismissed.

Class dismissed!

There's a path you take and a path untaken.

The choice is up to you, my friend.


I wonder why Jeff and Abed didn't show?

Well, I don't know about Abed, but I'm sure Jeff just found another life to destroy.

Are you still thinking about studying acting?

I'm auditioning for Professor Garrity's all-black production of Fiddler on the Roof.

It's called Fiddla Please.

What's she doing here?

I asked her to come.

I was thinking, maybe you two were meant to be together.

You're both rude, you're both deceitful and racist, and you both come from moist wipe dynasties.

I think having that much in common justifies at least one real date.

I guess we could go out to one dinner.

You're paying. You're dressing slutty.

Fine.

How about Mexican?

How about Thai?

They're like Chinese Mexicans.

Hmm, so true. Mmm.

♪ It's hard to be Jewish, it's hard to be Jewish ♪

♪ it's hard to be Jewish in Russia, yo ♪

♪ it's hard to be Jewish, it's hard to be Jewish ♪

♪ hard to be Jewish in Russia, yo ♪

♪ bagels and lox, diamond shops ♪

♪ it's hard to be Jewish in Russia, yo ♪

♪ hard to be Jewish, hard to be Jewish ♪

♪ hard to be Jewish in Russia, yo ♪ Someone drop an old testament beat.

Dreidels.