Community S2E21 Script

Paradigms of Human Memory (2011)

I can't believe this is our 20th and final anthropology diorama of the year.

I can't believe our assignment is making a diorama of us making our 19th diorama.

Oh, come on. My forehead is not this big.

Uh, Troy, can you pass me that paintbrush?

My monkey!

My monkey took that paintbrush and then went into that vent.

Oh, I miss him so much.

Someone's got to go after him. I got this.

What are you doing?

Trust me. I know these vents like the back of my Chang.

Holy...

Is that a new stereotype?

Oh, my God.

Did you find him?

Is that a new stereotype?

No, and no.

But there's all kinds of stuff in here.

Oh, my God.

Oh!

It's like a sentimental treasure pile.

Oh, that's my spoon.

No!

Oh, Hubba Bubba. Cool.

I thought they stopped making this.

♪ Give me some more time in a dream ♪

♪ give me the hope to run out of steam ♪

♪ somebody said we could be here ♪

♪ we could be roped up, tied up, dead in a year ♪

♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay ♪

♪ one by one, they all just fade away ♪

And that's all of it.

That's good.

That means you can put your clothes back on.

Nuh-uh. I'm going back in.

Why?

Monkey took my spoon.

It's like a reverse cow birth.

Annie, look, all of your purple pens are here.

Do you remember when you got so mad because you thought someone was stealing them?

There are so many memories in this pile.

Look.

Whoa. The deputy's badge from when we spent that day in that old ghost town.

Oh, yeah.

We have to find the saloon. Every building is a saloon.

We got to go!

Get the tarnation back here, you city slicking sons of...

That was, like, one of the best days of the whole year, and I almost totally forgot about it.

We almost totally got shot.

Yeah, but by a prospector in red long underwear.

How cool was that?

Glad you had fun.

By the way, that dude was hard-core racist, like 1800s Disney-style.

We learned new ways to hate ourselves.

Hey, Glee Club trophy.

You guys remember when we had to fill in for Glee Club?

♪ ♪

♪ Sing a-ling-a-ling ♪

♪ sing a-ling-a-ling, ding dong ♪

♪ sing a-ling-a-ling ♪

♪ sing a-ling-a-ling, ding dong ♪

♪ sing a-ling-a-ling, sing a-ling-a-ling, ding dong ♪

♪ ah-ah-ah ♪

♪ sing, sing, sing, sing, sing, sing, sing ♪

♪ yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ uh ♪ Guys, that's not a fond memory.

We won, like, 70 awards.

Yeah, but the reason we had to fill in for Glee Club was because they...

Died.

Their bus crashed.

I know, but I was remembering around that part.

Yeah, focus on the positives, like we got that cool new bus driver.

Nice try, Britta, but the truth is it's been a dark year.

Pierce got hooked on painkillers.

Shirley's having an unplanned baby.

And, apparently, Chang is in the group now?

It's true. God hates us.

Remember when Abed had a total mental breakdown at Christmas?

That was adorable and magical.

He thought everything was claymation.

Yeah. But everything wasn't.

And what do you see now, Abed?

A candy cane forest.

We're all running through the candy cane forest.

Oh, careful, Britta bot. Don't trip on a gumdrop.

Oh, no, I tripped... On a gumdrop!

Yay. Let's find Santa some more.

Well, I think this year was awesome...

Full of good times with great people.

Come on, you guys.

Stop focusing on all the bad stuff and dig deep.

Abed, you're a computer.

Scan your mainframe for some juicy memories.

♪ ♪

Jeff and Britta are having secret sex.

Exhibit "A"...the one thing I do remember from Halloween.

Hi. Hi.

You need some help in there?

Yeah, well, I can't use my hands in this costume, so...

Well...

Exhibit "B"...something I overheard during Christmas.

Why would I want to be in a school that hates Christmas?

He's got a point. Kidding.

What are you doing later? How about some holiday benefits?

Hey, Ixnay in front of Uncan-day.

Hmm.

And finally exhibit "C"... the curious circumstances following the exciting conclusion of our St. Patrick's Day adventure.

Kind of like it. Really?

Yeah... Felt like it was distracting...

Abed! Uh...

Uh, a-a-a leprechaun took our clothes.

And you can never tell anyone, okay?

Okay, so we hooked up a few times, but there's a much larger issue here.

We are friends with a grown man that clearly believes in leprechauns.

Didn't we decide at the beginning of the year that for the good of the group, we wouldn't allow any intimacy between each other or ourselves?

Troy, we never said ourselves.

Okay, now I'm really mad. So am I.

Now we know why our year's been so horrible.

It's not God that hates us. It's Jeff and Britta.

Oh, please.

If we were ruining your year, why didn't you even know about it?

Maybe we were so distracted by all the other times you two put yourselves before the group.

What?

When have we ever put ourselves before the group?

You want examples?

I think they want some examples, Pierce.

Okay, let's give 'em some examples.

Troy, drop a beat.

Just give 'em some examples. Fine.

Chipmunk.

Mm, impressive, Mr. Winger.

Someone's going to Regionals.

It's a special cape. A cape for justice...

What are you doing?

There's rioting in Tunisia!

The Cape is premiering.

Humanity is premiering, you jags.

We need to talk.

These people are giving out free iPhones!

What? No!

This habitat was for humanity.

Whoever did it, step forward.

You five are in big trouble.

Jeff and Britta, you're free to go, because you didn't step forward and are therefore innocent.

You can't ignore the facts.

You two are ruining this group.

Look, just because we're good-looking doesn't make us villains. Yeah, are you sure you guys have the group's best interests at heart?

Feast your ear tongues on these memory pops.

Pierce, you've had three flu shots.

That's for the day care center.

I'll be a living God!

I'm glad you're considering the exciting opportunity of selling Lady Miss Lady cosmetics.

Please, uh, open your starter kits.

Okay, now that the seals have been broken, you each owe me $50.

I'm Jeff Winger.

Does this hard-boiled egg make me look fat?

My name is Jeff Winger.

I love working this BlackBerry, because it really tones my thumbs.

It was a particularly small egg.

That's why I was asking.

You can yell at me all you want.

I've seen enough movies to know that popping the back of a raft makes it go faster.

That show's gonna last three weeks!

Six seasons and a movie!

Pierce, you can't sneak up on me like that.

When I'm startled, my training takes over.

Hello! Ki-yah!

Oh!

Those are just stories about us being cute.

You guys actually go out of your way to endanger the fabric of this group.

Yeah, leave our fabric alone.

You guys aren't seeing the bigger picture.

We compartmentalized our libidos for the good of the group.

Oh, you compartmentalized, did you?

Then what's been going on with us all year?

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about the Annie of it all...

The long looks, the stolen glances, the general atmosphere of "would they, might they?"

Annie, I think you're reading into some things.

Oh, really?

♪ ♪

♪ Something always brings me back to you ♪

♪ it never takes too long ♪

♪ no matter what I say or do ♪

♪ I still feel you here ♪

♪ till the moment I'm gone ♪

♪ you hold me without touch ♪

♪ keep me without chains ♪

♪ I never wanted anything so much ♪

♪ than to drown in your love ♪

♪ and not feel your rain ♪

♪ set me free ♪

♪ leave me be ♪

♪ I don't want to fall another moment ♪

♪ into your gravity ♪ Oh, give me a break.

I mean, you could do the same thing with Pierce and Abed.

♪ ♪

♪ Something always brings me back to you ♪

♪ it never takes too long ♪

♪ no matter what I say or do ♪

♪ I still feel you here ♪

♪ till the moment I'm gone ♪

♪ you hold me without touch ♪

♪ keep me without chains ♪ Yeah, but, Jeff, let's be honest, there's more between you and Annie than there is between me and Pierce.

How dare you? Abed, it's called chemistry.

I have it with everybody.

Everybody?

I haven't felt any of that chemistry coming my way.

I don't know if it's because you're racist or because I intimidate you sexually, but I know it's one of those two.

Dean-a-ling-a-ling.

I was just heading to judge our belated carnival when I heard you guys having a tiff.

What's the rumpus?

We were debating how many times per year a man can drop in a study room in a dumb costume with irrelevant news.

Dean-yow!

It's Feline AIDS Awareness Day, folks, so let's whip it in the keister.

♪ Dean, dean, dean, dean, dean, dean ♪

♪ dean, dean, dean, dean ♪ Guys, Greendale's music department is flat "baroque," so we are having a fund-raiser.

What's dean got to do with it?

Why, it's time to Tina "Turner" the clocks ahead.

Happy daylight savings!

Deanie, vidi, vici!

I came, I saw, I conquered the idea of a free Caesar-salad bar in the cafeteria.

Frankly, my dear, I don't give a dean.

That's right, Greendale presents "Gone with the Windows," where we'll celebrate our new energy-conscious windows with a cotillion.

Whoop.

Okay.

Well, I guess we don't see our patterns until they're all laid out in front of us.

Thank you for being so nice about it.

Oh, dean. Dean.

Can we please stop fighting?

We're starting to hurt innocent perverts.

I don't want to stop.

We're airing out all this dirty laundry.

After that, we'll stop fighting forever.

Am I the only one that remembers our horrible camping trip?

It's "suh-mores." It's not "s'mores."

I just found out about it.

It's pronounced "s'mores."

Yeah, it's a contraction of "some mores."

So contract it.

Stop saying "suh-mores" unless you "can not."

Guys!

We need to stop fighting.

No, we don't.

It's good that we're finally getting all this out there.

After this, we'll stop fighting.

That's what we said when we were painting Shirley's nursery.

I was talking about the paint.

You were being racist.

Hey, when I'm being racist, you'll know.

I know when you racist, 'cause you're racist every doggone day.

Guys, let's not repeat the events of Caesar salad day.

Aah!

Troy, your nose is bleeding.

Abed, stop being meta.

Why do you always have to take whatever happens to us and shove it up its own ass?

He's not being meta.

He's just pointing out what none of us want to acknowledge...

It's all of us.

This group is toxic.

We fight about fighting about fighting.

We're sick. I hate us!

Well, what do we do now?

Well, we could do what we always do...

Storm out in a huff and say that the group is breaking up.

Troy, pass me that paintbrush, please.

Does anybody have any iodine?

How many vents are you gonna crawl out of this year?

That's it. We're done.

Yeah. We're done.

See you all tomorrow.

Uh, you guys, wait. I want to say something.

You don't have to save us with a speech.

We're not breaking up, so we don't need to get back together.

I know I don't have to, but I want to.

Look, we've known each other for almost two years now.

And, yeah, in that time, I've given a lot of speeches, but they all have one thing in common.

They're all different.

These drug runners aren't gonna execute Pierce because he's racist.

It's a locomotive that runs on us.

And the only sharks in that water are the emotional ghosts that I like to call fear.

Anchovies. Fear.

And the dangers of ingesting mercury.

Because the real bugs aren't the ones in those beds.

And there's no such thing as a free Caesar salad.

And even if there were...

The Cape still might find a second life on cable.

And I'll tell you why.

El corazon del agua es verdad.

That water is a lie!

Harrison Ford is irradiating our testicles with microwave satellite transmissions!

So maybe we are caught in an endless cycle of screwups and hurt feelings, but I choose to believe it's just the universe's way of molding us into some kind of supergroup.

Like the Traveling Wilburys.

Yes, Troy, like the Traveling Wilburys of pain...

Prepared for any insane adventure life throws our way.

And I don't know about you, but I'm looking forward to every one of them.

Oh, Jeffrey.

Oh, Jeff.

Jeffrey, Jeffrey.

Well, I guess we can get through anything.

So it's probably okay if you and Britta want to keep, you know, hooking up.

I don't mind it so much. I'm cool with it.

God cares. Whatever.

Have fun tonight.

So...

I guess we don't have to keep sneaking around anymore.

Yeah, I guess not.

You want to stop doing this?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

It's not you, it's me. It's you.

Hey, guys.

Hey, guys. Ooh.

Hey, you guys remember the time...

Those guys don't care who they hurt, do they?

You know I still don't even know if I'm in the group?

Hey...

You and I have had some pretty good times, huh?

Ow! Ow!

Aah! Ow! Ow!

What a year.

Ow! Ow!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Ow!

Hey everybody. Can I help you with anything?

I care about you guys.

Shut up, dean. You dress in stupid outfits.

Well, you have a right to your opinion, so I'll just leave.

You could have been nicer to the dean just then, Jeff.

So what? I don't care.

I just think there maybe could be repercussions, yo.

I don't care what you think.

I don't care about repercussions.

And I don't care about the dean.

Okay.

Meanwhile, at that same moment, a truck full of toxic waste crashes and spills on the dean, transforming him into Mega-dean!

I don't care about anything.

Wait. I care now! Now I care!

Too late.

I owe you guys an apology.

The dean runs our school.

He's entitled to a modicum of respect.

You're always so mean to him. Why?

It's embarrassing to admit, but sometimes I felt jealous of his interesting outfits.

Jeffrey, if I didn't know better, I'd say you had a crush on him.

I'll never tell!