Community S2E22 Script

Applied Anthropology and Culinary Arts (2011)

And that's how paleolithic hunting tribes overtook early agricultural civilizations.

Ah. That's an interesting answer, miss Edison.

Is it right? Don't know. Don't care.

But so far, you're all getting As.

You're welcome.

Are you sure everyone should get as?

It seems a little unfair to the people that actually studied.

Throw paper balls at her head until she sits down.

Oh! What? Oh.

Sitting. I'm sitting. Good. Very good.

A-pluses for all of you.

Professor Duncan, you are such a great teacher when you're drinking.

Thank you, Darrell. It's Troy.

Hey, the man wants to give Darrell an "A," let him do it.

Nice shot. Oh, thanks.

A toast to the easiest school, the dumbest dean...

And the ultimate blow off class.

Anthropology. Who knew?

Hey, Shirley. Hmm?

You're not drinking.

Someone is cruising for an A-minus.

Oh, no, no, I'm with child.

Well, if it's my child, it's okay to have a drink or two.

Chang babies love the sauce, you know?

Alcohol and duck.

Zoink.

This is not your child, Chang.

It's Andre's. How do you know?

Because I don't see any locusts.

Besides, a woman knows these things.

Women have a connectedness to their bodies that you would never understand.

You have a booger.

I know. It's part of me.

Hey. Can we please do the exam?

Question number two:

How awesome is it that this class is fake?

Here is to never telling the dean.

And that is what Jews do at weddings.

Anthropology! L'Chaim!

♪ Give me some rope time in a dream ♪

♪ give me the hope to run out of steam ♪

♪ somebody said we could be here ♪

♪ we could be roped up, tied up, dead in a year ♪

♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay ♪

♪ one by one, they all just fade away ♪ Oh, professor Duncan, class, this is Mr. Jacobson.

He's a writer who's doing a piece on me for Dean Magazine.

Ah! I know, right?

Well, keep taking your exam.

Don't let my presence distract you.

I'm sort of a father figure to the kids around here for my "outside the box" approach to education.

You know, like that film Children of the Corn.

Oh, professor. What?

Proceed. Yes.

The Anthropology final.

Do you know what, I have left the exam paper in my office.

But it is a real doozy.

There is an interactive element.

A performance component.

And I don't want to tip it, but there may be a lump of clay coming to everyone in the room.

So, uh, toodle-oo. Cheerio.

Wowee. This is a real college.

So after this, we should check out the world food festival in the parking lot.

No way.

There are lunch trucks with 18 different nationalities of food.

You know what, not different. Equal. Equal to whites.

You know what, better than whites.

Oh, I think that sounds like an awesome thing to do immediately.

I bet the reader Dean Magazine would love it.

I'm good.

I'd like to stay here and check out this unorthodox exam.

Shirley, you okay? Uh-huh.

Just a little indigestion.

I've been having it all morning.

Are you sure it isn't contractions?

No, no, no. It's way too early for any of that.

Um, my other two came right on schedule.

Maybe even a little late.

Jordan was in here so long, he came out with a driver's license.

I'm kidding. That's not true. Ooh.

Chang babies are always premature.

We gestate fast because we're better at obtaining nutrients.

Some need only eight months, depending on how much of the mother they eat.

Oh, uh, Shirley, that is full of chemicals.

I wouldn't expose your baby to that.

Actually, my doctor said antacid is safe to take.

Yeah, let me guess who paid for that study.

Big antacid.

Shirley, chew on a eucalyptus root and--I know it sounds gross-- pig saliva.

It's the same active ingredient as antacid.

They just dress it up with a fancy name.

How dare they.

Hey, you want to see a movie today?

Word. Cool.

Hey, guys, why do you do that? Do what?

It's cool. How?

I don't know. It just is.

Well, let me in. Let me in to the handshake.

Give you $1,000.

Indecent Proposal. Indecent Proposal.

Woody. Demi.

Nice.

You two gonna fall in love?

No.

I don't know.

So have you considered natural childbirth?

Are you kidding me? I'll take whatever they got.

An epidural is a proper Christian woman's only chance to get wrecked.

Yeah, but from what I'm told, the real high is the endorphin rush of a chemical-free birth.

I read an article that said some women can actually achieve or--

Uh-uh, no, no, no. Thank you for the conversation.

I know what you're talking about.

And even if it were true, that's not something a woman does on her child's head.

But-- Mmm!

Listen, backseat birther, Shirley's on her third kid.

She doesn't need a third-year-old slacker with two one-eyed cats governing her body.

First of all, together, my cats can do anything.

Secondly, you disqualified yourself from this conversation the moment you decided to grow a wang.

I regret nothing.

I feel sorry for the airhead that you're gonna knock up at the age of 70.

You're gonna be sitting in the waiting room playing Solitaire on your BlackBerry while a life is created ten feet from you.

Oh, and you're gonna squat in a babbling brook and a beautiful star child is going to slide out on a ray of sunshine while your cats each half watch because you're so natural.

Oh-oh. Okay. Oh, boy.

Can someone please get every mop on campus?

Um, did you break water? Is that broken water?

That's broken water! Chang baby!

Just nice and easy, careful...

Oh, father, God almighty, this isn't happening.

It's too soon.

I don't want my baby's first memory to be star-burns. Oh, goodness. All right.

This is not a big deal. Wait. I mean, it is a big deal.

It's just not a big bad deal. It's a big good deal.

If I could have everyone's attention--

Actually would like not to have your attention.

Okay, give me your attention.

This student is having a baby. What am I talking about?

You already know.

Okay, here's-- Okay, here's what it is.

I'm gonna go get my Prius, I'm gonna pull around the back, and I'm gonna drive her to the hospital.

I drive a Prius, which I think is pretty cool.

Dean, go! Okay, dean gone.

Can you please call Andre?

He's "Sugar Boots" in my phone.

That hurts, Shirley.

Oh, oh, I'll get it because I am here for you.

We came so close to having one class that wasn't all about them.

Remember when they all took that fishing trip on St. Patrick's Day?

God, that was a good week.

This has got to be a Chang baby.

Changs are never born in hospitals.

More like taxicabs, hardware stores, bank lines, sewers.

My nephew Jin was born on a treadmill at bally total fitness.

20% incline.

"Sugar Boots" says that he'll meet us at the hospital.

Good. Now can somebody do something about him?

I'm just saying nobody needs to freak out.

A Chang is hearty to the core. We always come out healthy.

That's why there's like a billion of us.

You ever tried googling me? Can't be done!

Ben, you have to stop freaking her out.

Hey, show me some respect.

I might be that child's estranged father.

Well, what's it gonna be? What?

I want to buy the rights to your handshake.

Do we have a deal?

Pierce, we're about to take Shirley to the hospital.

This is not the time.

Oh, it's the time.

According to my watch, it's 1,000 o'clock.

Deal. Deal.

Great.

So how does it work? I don't know.

We just kind of do it when one of us says something awesome.

Yeah. All right. Betty Grable.

I said Betty Grable.

No. Yes.

No. Do it.

Make your money, whore.

Who's Betty Grable?

Yeah, that's the stuff.

Try to take deep breaths and relax.

Where is the dean? Oh, my God!

Okay. Everything's wet!

Eew! Oh. Oh, that's okay.

That's okay because it is natural.

It's natural.

Are you uncomfortable, Britta?

You wish. Oh!

Oh. Okay. Ooh. $400. $500.

It's like a million bucks in dog dollars.

Word.

What happened? Something's off.

It's like buying candy from a baby.

What did you do? You ruined it!

Troy, give him back the money.

No, no, no. Money doesn't matter anymore.

Once you've sold something out, you can't get it back.

But you didn't even like our handshake!

I hated it. Now it's gone.

You two are dumber than Jackie Coogan.

He divorced Betty Grable.

Oh oh oh.

Jeff, Pierce tainted our special handshake with his blood money and now we can't get the magic back!

Holy crap. You two for real?

Yeah.

Nobody cares about your stupid handshake.

A baby is coming out of Shirley's vagina two feet from us. Don't worry.

Her contractions are still six minutes apart.

So unless her cervix is dilated more than eight centimeters, we still have time to get her to a hospital.

I delivered a baby earlier this year in the back of an SUV.

What? Hmm-hmm.

Where was I when that happened?

I don't know. Off in the background.

Did you pull your car up? Uh, no.

It's been overturned! What?

Okay, look, I don't want to alarm anyone, but the world food festival has taken a dark turn.

I guess some national ethnicities don't play nice with others and things have turned into a bit of a race...

Kerfuffle. You mean riot?

Uh, let's use kerfuffle for now, okay, Mr. Winger?

I was just trying to feed hungry foodies.

I'm going to call an ambulance.

Oh, there's ambulances out there!

They're overturning those too!

I mean, I didn't even know there was a difference between North and South Korean barbeque.

I mean, M*A*S*H lasted longer than that war.

Get over it. Am I right? Don't print that.

Let's just quit jotting. Stop writing!

Okay, 911 says it's gonna take over an hour because of a race kerfuffle.

Oh. Lake Woebegone. Eeh!

Abed, what do we do?

Shirley, pretend I'm saying this in a soothing, reassuring, non-robotic voice.

We're not going to make it to the hospital.

Yes, I am.

I'm going to have this baby in a hospital with my husband and the father of my baby.

Unless that father is me.

In which case, what you need to do now is elevate your legs over your head while facing the northeast corner of the room.

But try not to look at the door, okay?

That's bad luck and Chang babies are very superstitious.

Also if you can visualize a rabbit riding a dragon, it'll increase his chances of winning lotteries.

Ben, corner.

Listen, Shirley, we're having the baby right here, right now.

Okay. Okay.

Troy, get every blanket and coat you can find.

Anything soft for Shirley to lie on.

Annie, I need you to call Andre and tell him to meet us here instead.

Well, what can I do? Stop rubbing her shoulders.

What are you doing? Being natural.

Jeff, help me move Shirley to the ground.

All right, just stand right here.

Easy. Easy. Troy, blankets. There we go.

Okay.

I just need to take a look and see how far along you are.

Oh, no, I'm sorry, Abed.

I don't feel comfortable with you taking a grand tour of my nethers.

I'd prefer it was one of the girls.

I can do it! I can do it! I'm good at looking!

I'm here for you, Shirley. Okay, what do I do?

Okay, you just need to look and see if the baby's head has reached the cervix. No problowe, Rob Lowe.

♪ ♪

I take it the head has reached the cervix.

Oh, God, okay, oh God, alright.

Not to worry. This kind of thing happens all the time.

Are a lot of babies born in classrooms?

Well, a lot more are conceived.

No, Paul, that's off the record and not true. Sort of.

Annie. Got to go.

Hey, okay, due to an unforeseen conflict of genitals, I've been disqualified from delivering Shirley's baby so I'm gonna have to walk you through it.

I can't deliver a baby.

I'm not properly prepared.

I need to take a class, or read a book, or shadow a nurse, or at least have my mom hug me first.

Oh, God. Oh, God. I'm seeing spots.

Oh, my lord, my lord, why are you doing these things to me?

How have I failed you?

Either way, someone's got to calm her down.

I got this. Shirley, look at me.

Look at my face.

Connect with me.

♪ Ha ha ha ha ha ♪ What in the hell? I don't know what to do!

Chang! Where's Chang? What's up, baby?

You said Chang babies all come this way?

Yeah, like a bullet from a gun.

And they're all okay? Hell, yeah.

More than okay. Super babies.

Seven generations of little scrappers born in the worst conditions you can imagine.

Tell me.

My cousin slid out feet first in a pickle barrel.

My uncle was born during rainy season in a Mongolian sheep pasture.

My brother, hmm, born under a crowded noodle bar while my grandfather finished his happy dancing shrimp.

Nothing can stop us.

Not the hurricanes. Not the communists.

Not the feds. Not the girl scouts.

What are you doing? Get in there.

Me? Forget it. I'm the worst.

Well, that's a discussion for a different time.

Look, Britta, there is something in you that wants to take care of people so bad that you'll do it until you puke.

That's what Shirley needs right now.

Are you saying I'll be a good mom?

What? No.

Man, you will really force anything, won't you?

Just get in there and force that baby out of Shirley.

Step aside, people! Britta for the win!

Not the girl scouts. Not the--

Get out of my way. Okay. I am ready.

Abed, walk me through this.

Okay, at each contraction, you need to tell Shirley to push.

That's it?

Well, don't tell any doctors I said this, but at this point in time, the bus pretty much drives itself.

Who exactly is the bus in this scenario? Oh!

Oooooh! Push!

The head is out!

Now feel under the neck for the umbilical cord.

There's no chord.

I think that's a good thing, Britta.

Oh, I am nailing this! You're doing great too.

Chang, more stories.

Okay, so in World War II, a lot of us were rounded up in labor camps.

Mining mostly.

Hundreds of Changs were born underneath the earth.

Most spent their first five years underground.

Hey, I'm here. Oh, Andre!

Okay. Hi, baby.

It's gonna be all right. Okay.

It's okay, ma'am. We can take it from here.

Guys, I got it. I'm in the zone.

Okay, come on, Shirley. Come on, Shirley.

Come on, Shirley. Push push push.

Push it! Push!

It's baby Greendale.

You guys don't have to name it that.

I don't claim that power. I'm merely the deliverer.

Britta, focus. Oh, doy. Okay.

Come on, Shirley.

Oh, it's a boy!

And it's also a black person!

Not that that's important.

Are you sure it's yours, baby? Yes.

It's definitely his.

I never told you this part, but all Changs are born with tails.

You kind of dodged a bullet there.

Agh! Ugh!

Did that just happen?

It's back. It never left.

Hi. Oh.

Oh.

Oh, we did it, sugar boots. No, you did it, baby.

Congratulations, sir.

After a fierce campaign, I happily concede this baby to you.

Pretty classy of me. Thank you, Chang.

Couldn't have done this without you.

No bigs. Andre.

Yeah.

I think I want to name him after Ben.

What? Hmm?

Really? Really?

Yeah. I mean, you may not be his father, but you helped bring him into the world.

All right, well, we'll have our own little baby Ben...

Bennett. Ben Bennett?

Mm-hmm. Oh, damn.

Mm-hmm. Okay. No, no. No, that's fine.

Ben Bennett. Hi, Ben Bennett.

Oh, look, he said Chang.

No. No, he didn't.

See? Nothing to it. Yeah.

Can you believe that's how we come into this world?

Screaming, crying, covered in crap?

And then somewhere along the lines, we get it into our heads that we're destined for greatness.

We are. I just yanked a little dude out of my friend.

Yeah. I guess we passed Anthropology.

Look at how teeny his hands are.

You're so little, right?

His fingers are like good & plenties.

I know. I want to eat them.

Which is lame. Totally.

This has been quite a day.

You can expect a cover story in the next issue.

In a good way?

Like an article about what a good dean I am?

Absolutely.

I did it.

I did it. I am a good dean.

I am a good dean! Whoo!

Are you sure you want to do this?

I know people do it in movies all the time, but there are bound to be real world consequences.

I know, but if we take that test today, we are definitely going to fail it.

Okay, let's do it.

What are you guys doing?

Cancel school today or we tell everybody about this.

Deal.