Community S2E4 Script

Basic Rocket Science (2010)

City college has a space simulator.

We know. Close the door.

As I was saying...

On Monday, city college will be unveiling, the City College Cosmic Pioneer... their very own orbital launch simulator.

Pretty soon, they will have an astronaut on their brochure, and we will still be bragging about our foosball table.

What do you think happens to enrollment then?

I don't know about you, gentlemen, but I love my campus, and I don't want to watch it become a city college parking lot.

Well, what can we do?

We can launch our own space simulator.

Before they simulate their launch on Monday, we simulate a launch this weekend.

We make Greendale, not city college, the first community college to pretend to put a man in space.

Do we even have a simulator?

We can get one.

In 1980, the county museum had a state-of-the-art space mission simulator sponsored by Kentucky Fried Chicken called the "Kentucky Fried Chicken leven herbs & space experience".

Gentlemen...

Greendale's future!

Oh!

Actually, that photo's from the past.

Here's one more current.

It's seen better days.

I admit... it could use a good wash.

And I've got just the crew to wash it.

Can we stop walking in slo-mo now?

20 more yards.

You guys are walking in slo-mo?

Sync by: YYeTs Correction by: Kerensky


You guys are an hour late!

Abed kept making us redo our walk.

I think you know the reason this group has been chosen for this job... to atone.

For the obscene entry you submitted in the Greendale school-flag contest.

That's right... I know that this isn't a symbol for the crossroads of ideas.

I now know it's a butt.

Yeah, keep snickering.

Pack yourselves with peanuts and really be satisfied.

But guess what?

This won.

This is now our school flag forever.

Proud of yourselves?

How do you know it was our design?

We submitted it anonymously.

Whoops.

One of you actually came forward.

What?

Now, somewhere beneath this dirt is Greendale's newest pride.

And my hope is that while you scrub it, you will find the school pride in your hearts.

After we clean it, can we go inside?

No. That is a job for some upstanding students who are training right now in the simulator simulator.

Great job on this.

Hard to believe I'm not really not really in space.

I expect this craft to be squeaky clean in time for the pretend launch in front of the press at 3:00.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to make this into a butt flag.

Man, I remember this thing from High School.

During field trips, we used to sneak inside and get... to praying.

Oh, that's nice.

We should take a coffee break.

Let's all get coffee, okay?

Where are Troy and Abed?

I'm pretty sure they made their way into that thing five seconds after the Dean left.

What?

It's more beautiful than I ever imagined.

You've never been in it? My dad never let me.

He always had grudge against fast-food restaurants.

They almost wiped out his falafel stand.

But I memorized every detail of this old girl on the Internet.

Guys, we can't be in here.

Then get out.

Wow, it's pretty well preserved for something that survived the '80s...

And apparently a local transient who liked to collect doll heads.

The '80s.

Our teen years, right, everybody?

I feel like I'm underdressed for this.

I'm gonna get something from the dorm.

Guys, seriously, I have to ask that we all step out of here.

Or what, you're gonna tattle on us like you did with the flag?

I didn't tattle about the flag, but you shouldn't have made it in the first place.

If you love Greendale so much, why don't you marry it?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm a little claustrophobic, that's all.

It's no big deal, as long as I'm standing near a door.

In close situations, I get a little nuts, and I don't know, you know, what's... no, no, no! Hey, hey!

No!

Hello? Oh!

Greetings.

I am Systematic Android Network Diode Energy Rocket System.

But you may call me "Sanders".

Sanders. Sanders, this is Pierce Hawthorne.

Can I get this door open, please?

Hey, look for the handle.

There's got to be a handle on the door.

You don't know that. It was the '80s.

Everybody who made this was on cocaine.

We can't be in here.

Just as Kentucky fried chicken's secret process seals in the flavor, I'm sealing the cabin's air so you don't explode on your journey.

What? What does that mean?

Please find a seat, strap yourself in, and wait for mission control.

Okay, we got to find a handle on this door!

Guys, guys, can we just take a mental step backwards and realize we are simply in a winnebago and we'll be fine.

Oh, God!

Please find a seat, strap yourself in, and wait for mission control.

I'm not strapping myself into a coffin.

We got to get out of here! I hope you found a seat.

I want you to be safe. Did you just threaten me?

Pierce, you're talking to an atari cartridge.

Sit down!

This is part of the simulation, right?

I don't think this is a simulation.

I think we're being towed.


Come on! Hello?

Hey, guys, forget it.

Whosever towing us can't hear us.

You know, this is classic Greendale.

That place deserves an anus flag.

Can anyone get a phone signal?

No. No.

Mine's working, but it's the black guy with the wrong number again.

Pierce, I keep telling you that that is an iPod and you are listening to Wesley Snipe's audiobook.

Well, he sure hates the government.

This is a long shot.

But maybe if I do this, it will solve everything.

Damn it!

This is all my fault.

Very much so. Oh!

Hey, when you go fishing, sometimes you catch a boot.

Where...Re...You....

Tel...Where...You are!

Hello?

Where are you hoodlums? Bring my spaceship back!

Uh, we are...

40 light years outside of the buttermilk nebula, although it is possible...

Yeah. It's a sticker.

Hey, terrible Dean.

This thing is being towed with us in it.

Oh. Oh. Okay, wait.

So handicap spots count on saturdays?

Assuming we don't wind up in a compactor, when we get back, I'm going to step on you.

Okay, as much as I might enjoy that, Jeffrey, if you don't get back here in time for the launch, City College wins, and Greendale becomes just another school on my resume that no one can call, because it doesn't exist.

Now, tell me where you are!

In a moving canister with no phone and no GPS, because the only window is sealed shut.

Hel... hello?

Jeffrey!

It isn't sealed shut.

Hmm?

The window isn't sealed shut.

It slides open when you complete the simulation.

Well, can you talk them through it?

Abed, if they can open that window, they can tell us where they are, and we can find them.

I was supposed to be on that thing.

I know how she works.

Hey. That's why they need you to bring her home.

I'll get us some coffee.

Troy. Abed?

You can get that window open by doing the simulation.

Look at the panel on your right

...and tell me your recipe. Original.

How many pieces? 6 Flavor heading? Tasty.

We need to get it up to delicious.

That makes sense.

Excellent work, Captain.

Now keep your herbs and spices balanced while the crew helps you with teamwork.

Guys, we can get the window open if you man your terminals, and we complete the simulation.

Yeah. I got a better idea.

Oh! Jeffrey!

We're all dying.

We're all gonna die!

My readings indicate the need for cooperation.

I hate to pull rank on you, but I need you to man your station now, Jeff.

I hate to pull reality on you, but you got your rank, Captain, by sitting in the chair with the largest knobs!

My readings indicate Pierce...

What? Pierce...

My readings indicate you're going to die alone.

Why's he saying that? Why's he... why's he saying that to me?

Uh, he... he's getting worse.

Almost there.

Stop talking, old man.

You can't make me stop, Pierce, because Troy is killing your life force.

I knew it! Oh!

I knew it!

Abed!

Kentucky one...

Do you read me?

Kentucky one, Kentucky one, do you read me?

Kentucky one, copy.

Kentucky. Come in, Kentucky.

I've worked out a way for them to reroute the power from the auxiliary battery. Reroute to what?

Everybody...

Here is the situation.

This is Greendale.

This is the maximum distance from Greendale we can drive to haul them back up here in time for the simulated launch.

And these are city impound lots...

Any of which might be their destination.

What are these other circles?

What other circles?

Looks like you circled public restrooms and truck stops. Yeah.

There's another one. - Okay.

That is a different side of the map, and that is... for a different project.

Why do they have star ratings?

Let's get to work, people! Got it.

Talk to me, Buddy. Come on!

Uh, bro, we stopped moving.

Pierce has got space madness, or he's just old or something.

They're locking him up in the back.

Argh! Run, Jeff!

You can't do this to me!

We just did!

Guys, please! You're becoming animals!

Oh, shut up!

We wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for you.

That's not true!

We weren't supposed to be in here when it happened!

When what happened?

When we got towed?

How did you know we were gonna get towed?

I set it up.

I called City College about transferring, and the Dean told me that he would get me in if I helped sabotage Greendale's launch.

I was supposed to make sure nobody was around so that they could steal it.

And then you guys were late, and then...

Wait, wait. You're transferring?

Why?

You guys thought that butthole flag was so funny.

I mean, I respect you all enough to let you hate yourselves, but I respect myself too much to let you hate my school.

Eh. I'm not buying it.

Yeah.

Let's kill her.

Wait! City College was behind this?

We have to get back in time for that launch.

Why? We earned the right to pick on Greendale every day by going there.

Our school may be a toilet, but it's our toilet.

Nobody craps in it but us. Yeah.

Now, that was inspiring. Seriously?

Captain.

Get to your stations.

Okay.

Thrusters. Full.

Turbo shield. On.

Navigation. Three.

Chicken. Yeah.

Ready? All: Ready.

Suppertime.

Hold it...

Congratulations, crew.

You've worked together.

Now feast your eyes on the wonders of the cosmos.

Greendale. Greendale.

Everybody be quiet. Everybody quiet down.

Quiet down.

Say again. Stand by for location.

What do you see, gang?

We are in...

Coldwater.

Here...

Right next to the truck stop with three thumbs.

Those aren't thumbs.

Greendale. Do you copy, Greendale?

I'm sorry, Jeff.

I'm afraid...

You're out of town.

I guess somebody'll come get us eventually.

I really miss Greendale.

How many schools would let you make a butt flag...

Then actually fly it?

How many schools would let you get a degree in theoretical phys ed?

Annie...

We owe you an apology.

Nobody should have to choose between their friends and their school.

Thanks.

But you shouldn't have tattled about the flag.

I tattled.

I told the Dean it was our design.

And I told him it was a butt too.

What? Why, Jeffrey?

He kept not seeing it. I mean, it was driving me crazy.

It says "e pluribus anus".

I told you we should have put cheeks on it.

There's a time and place for subtlety, and that time was before Scary movie.

Hey, guys?

I'm feeling a lot better now.

Well, you... you sound good.

Yeah, you know, in a weird way, being in a smaller place like this, I was able to work through some things.

I think I'm ready to come out.

I'll kill you!

I will kill you, Sanders!

Congratulations... Come on, man, come on.

Let go!

No!

Get off my mommy! I'm her man!

Pierce, stop! Stop it! Calm down!

Who's feeling skinny?

Dean? The press is here.

Oh... I tried to buy us some time with these double-icious sandwiches, but they thought I was doing product integration for KFC.

This hawaiian bread is so good, though.

Time to face the music.

Craig.

Stephen.

I'm surprised to see you here.

You don't think I'd miss your moment of triumph, do you?

Greendale beating City College into simulated space?

Unless...

You're having trouble locating your ship.

You.

You were behind this?

The next time you provoke City College, you will lose more than a winnebago.

Greendale. Come in, greendale.

Go ahead, Kentucky.

You can call off the rescue.

We're coming to save you.

Come on, you family-sized bucket of bolts.

Abed, construction on spring road.

I see it. Left on apple valley.

Annie, left on apple.

Hold tight!

Hi. Hi.

Hi. Get off of me.

They'll never make it back, Craig.

That thing might as well be on a simulation of the moon.

Oh, you know wha--

Ah, yes!

Hey, look out!

Whoo! What just happened?


Ladies and gentlemen, returning from their maiden simulation, the fabulous Greendale greenstronauts!


Well, Annie...

I suppose you're not City College material after all.

Thank you.

Annie! Good job.

That's good!

Just to say... could you hold on one second?

Great job up there, Captain.

Really?

You think I could be a real astronaut someday?

Well, if NASA ever needs someone to keep an arrow inside of a moving rectangle, I know who I'd recommend.

Abed...

Want to ta a seat in the Captain's chair?

I think you've earned it.

No, thanks. I can't imagine anything that could have been cooler than what I've done today.

Okay, that was cool.

In the future...

Mission control, headed for base.

Target acquired.

Mission control, I've got a bogie on my 6.

Yeah, I'm on your 6.

Evasive maneuvers.

Still on your 6.

I took evasive maneuvers. You can't be on my 6.

Then I'm on your 12.

That means I'm your 6.

Good.