Community S2E5 Script

Messianic Myths and Ancient Peoples (2010)

We was camping, and we was eating, and it was a mountain lion jump all the way down and eat my leg.

I think a mountain lion jump down and eat someone's grammar.

The auto-tune remix is way better.

Go to related videos. Uh-huh.

We was... we was camping, camping, we was eeeeeeating, eating...

Professor? Oh, Annie, please don't start.

We've been through this.

Anthropology is the study of humanity.

Nothing is off topic.

No, it's just, I've seen this one.

Put in "car crash camel toe".

Wait, wait, wait, wait. "Ski lift ninja crotch rip."

Whoo! I'm a ski lift ninja!

Oh!

Look, Dolly Parton eating a hot dog.

Stop that! Yeah.

I can do what I want.

Uh, what happens if you type in "God"?

Boo!

Everybody hates you and asks you to... Do not boo her.

This subject's lack of definition cuts both ways.

If farts are fair game, so is God.

Top hit, "God of farts".

You ask for it... It balances out.

That's blasphemous. Who wants to see that?

17 million people. Oh.

There were nine people at my church last night.

Auto-tune God of farts. Yeah!

Yeah!... Way ahead of you.


Abed, guess who's got two thumbs and has an exciting career opportunity for you?

This guy.

I'm pointing my thumbs at God.

I'm using one thumb to say that's great.

Um, I told my pastor about YouTube and how there's no light there for the kids, and our church wants to sponsor the making of a viral video with a Christian message.

Ha! What are you gonna do, "rapping Jesus"?

Pierce, please just step aside and make room for a new generation.

Um, Abed, would you like to make a Christian YouTube?

I know you're Muslim.

As a Muslim, I'd be happy to do it.

As a filmmaker, no way.

I'm a storyteller, not a preacher.

Well, the Bible has been called the greatest story ever told.

Ben Lyons said the same thing about I am legend.

Oh, well, I'll have to rent that, then.

Whoa. What?

That's a lot of pasta for no veggies.

You're not in charge of what I eat.

That's true. Britta!

And some damn broccoli, please.

Pierce has been acting out a lot lately.

Maybe you should talk to him.

How is that my job?

Aren't you, like, the dad?

Would the dad walk away from this conversation?

No?

Ah!

You're having cookies for lunch?

Yeah. Hey, you didn't pay for those.

Call a cop.

Heads up, gay wads.

Hey! Cookies!

Fresh and stolen.

What are you looking at?

Your face.

That's what you're supposed to look at.

So?

So? You gonna sit down or what?

Oh, no, I usually sit with the younger people.

Well, la de da de da.

No, no, we watch videos on "YouTune", and you guys probably don't even know what that is.

We don't care.

Pierce, are you looking for us?

We're sitting over there. I can see!

Sheesh! Did you take your pills?

Ooh! Mama's boy.

We're having a private conversation here.

Oh. Oh, I'm sorry. Um, hi.

I'm... I'm Britta, Pierce's... Pbbt!

Very nice meeting you guys.

"Very nice meeting you guys."

She's a lesbian.

Shirley. Hmm?

I read the new testament. The whole thing?

You know, being raised by TV and movies, I always thought that Jesus just walked on water and told people not to have abortions, but it's so much cooler than that.

He was like ET, Edward Scissorhands, and Marty McFly combined.

I would love to make a Jesus movie.

Oh, Abed, that's wonderful!

What do you think we should do?

It needs to be cool and addictive, like that video of the kitten falling asleep.

Absolutely.

But the story's been told to death, so I want to approach it in a new way.

We need a Jesus movie for the post post-modern world.

Like Jesus as a rapper?

No.

I want to tell the story of Jesus from the perspective of a filmmaker exploring the life of Jesus.

That sounds very appealing to filmmakers.

See, in the filmmaker's film, Jesus is a filmmaker trying to find God with his camera.

But then the filmmaker realizes that he's actually Jesus and he's being filmed by God's camera.

And it goes like that forever in both directions, like a mirror in a mirror, because all of the filmmakers are Jesus, and all their cameras are God, and the movie is called ABED.

All caps.

Filmmaking beyond film. A metafilm.

My masterpiece.

But I don't like it. Well, that's okay.

You know, you're reacting the way the world did to Jesus.

I'm reacting the way the world does to movies about making movies about making movies.

I mean, come on, Charlie Kaufman, some of us have work in the morning, damn.

Does this mean you don't want to work on the movie?

This means there is no movie.

This is the movie.

The game is Jacks and deuces wild.

Except if the dean comes in, and then it's bingo.

Keep it. I've got another one.

If you get caught with that, just say it's your 90th birthday.

Suddenly, it's adorable.

That's right.

All right, now. What is this again?

B-19.

No. B-19, my butt.

I told you guys no poker, all right?

Shut this down!

Shut your mouth down, fruit.

Oh, hey, unacceptable, and none of your business, and barely the whole truth.

All right, everyone go home.

Excuse me, mister? What, Pierce?

What year is it?

What?

Poker helps him remember.

Veronica.

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

You are okay, kid.

Go ahead and deal. Let's go.

Jesus, did you really die for our sins? That's dopey.

Oh, uh, dope.

Ooh, freudian slip, perhaps due to my feeling kind of dopey.

Do the line, atheist.

Jesus, did you really die for our sins?

That's dope.

You think that's dope?

Check out these... beatitudes.

Blessed be the peacemakers, word to the meek, the kingdom of heaven is open all week, Jesus and me were...

Oh!

I have arrived!

I am watched, as I am watching.

I am audience and creation.

The earth shall know my power!

Abed, what are you doing?

Oh, great! You blew the take!

No, no, keep rolling.

This can all be part of it.

There are no takes.

There is no viewer.

The film is the story.

The story is us.

We are the film.

It's totally meta.

Well, let's get back to our non-meta production, shall we?

Come on. No, I want to watch this.

Troy, there's no time.

Then, we quit. Right, Britta?

I don't even believe in God, but I love me some Abed.

Yeah.

Wait, wait.

"The story of the story is the story."

Sure, that'll play in poughkeepsie.

I heard some theaters are gonna show it in reverse.

I heard it's the same movie backward and forward.

I heard the deleted scenes are the scenes and the scenes are the deleted scenes.

I heard Jesus died for our sins.

Oh, hey, guys, the director's answering questions in the cafeteria, and it both is and isn't part of the movie!

Ah! Get a table!

Abed, are we all in the movie right now?

We are all in a movie, even when there are no cameras.

When will the movie be released?

When is life released?

Every minute of our lives is a world premiere, and my father has already bought the popcorn.

Whoa!

Excuse me, Abed, but you aren't actually trying to say that you're Jesus, are you?

I am who you say I am.

Oh, man.

Okay, yeah, ooh, it's meta now.

Except here's the thing.

I'm a devout Christian, and you guys are feeding into this poor boy's delusions.

So cool! She's an actual real life pharisee!

Hey, bitch, why don't you go back to your temple?

Yeah!

Why don't you all stop confusing Jesus with an egotistical filmmaking lunatic?

I forgive her.

So, how's your film going, Abed?

Blasphemously.

It's not blasphemy to say that we are God, Shirley.

First Corinthians:

"He who unites himself with the Lord is one with him in spirit."

Did you just scripture me, Muslim?

Jesus was Jewish.

Are you ever gonna let that go?

Hey. No religious talk.

Somebody's late.

What is that in your pocket?

Jeff, Britta, Pierce is smoking cigars.

What's it to you, butt-breath?

Look at your eyes.

Have you been out all night with those hipsters?

Hipsters?

That pack of old people that hang out in the cafeteria.

People call them hipsters 'cause they all have hip replacements.

They do not.

Leonard could probably kick your ass.

Leonard?

You're hanging out with Leonard?

You know I hate him.

So? Everybody hates him.

That's why he's cool.

You people don't get it.

Well, Pierce, I'm not sure that I want to get it, and I think you ought to take a break from these new friends of yours.

They've got you all riled up.

That's what Leonard said you'd say.

Well, Leonard is not a part of this study group, so you apologize right now to... what? Ah!

I'm not your father!

I never said you were!

Where are you going? Out!

When did Pierce become awesome?

I am gonna shut you down, you know that?

I do. Oh! Oh, I get it!

I'm supposed to shut you down.

Well, I'm not gonna do it. Don't.

I won't. Good.

I am gonna shut you down.

Good.

You should have seen his face.

He was terrified.

You're his worst nightmare now.

You're old and you don't give a damn.

Booyah!

Don't make eye contact, and we'll be fine.

Mmm, here comes the boss!

The dean has got a date. What a lovely couple.

Please, give us a break, will you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh!

I don't want to see you hipsters when I come back out here!

Go! Run, run. We made them angry.

We've made them angry. Hey, he left his keys.

Ooh, who's up for a joyride?

Hell yeah. Oh, I don't know.

We could get into some serious trouble here.

Oh, come on.

We get caught, we can just pretend we're disoriented, and he can give us a ride home.

Where am I? What year is it?

But we've all been drinking.

Oh, grow a schmekel.

Okay, everyone, this is the last scene.

I want to thank you all for contributing in your small way to the greatest film ever made.

And on the seventh day, Shirley shut down production.

Abed, Shirley has informed me that you are using school equipment on school property to make a religious film.

She has filed an official complaint, invoking the separation of church and state.

I pointed out the irony to her already.

Don't give a crap. Let's be ironic.

Shut it down.

Abed, are you making a religious film?

All movies are religious to me.

Nice. But is it a movie about Jesus?

Is the Matrix? Is Robocop?

Is Superman Returns?

All stories are about death and resurrection.

I've got one. Wrath of Khan, hmm?

That's a good one.

Spock sacrifices himself for the crew and gets reborn.

How captivating was Ricardo Montalban in that?

Except in Abed's film, the character's name isn't Spock!

That's true. It's Abed.

Oh. I'm getting creative goose bumps here.

I love Charlie Kaufman.

I need to run into editing for one second, but if you want, we can grab you a chair and you can watch a take.

I would love that.

I've never watched a take before.

This is exciting. Uh, you...

Say what you will about Abed, but the man cannot be killed.

I mean, it's almost like he's Jesus.

I got it.

I don't think we should be driving.

I mean, we're all, you know, old and groggy.

God, stop worrying.

Richard flew zeroes during the big one.

What do you mean, "flew zeroes"?

He's not Japanese.

Well, what did you fly during the big one, rich?

Where am I?

Oh, come on. Stop farting around.

Seriously, I don't know where I am.

What year is it?

How do I drive?

Let's bail.

Wait a minute. What about Richard?

Screw Richard! It's every man for himself!

Richard, are you all right?

Well, am I Richard?

Yes.

Then I'm fine.

But who were those people that ran away?

Our friends?

That's a good question.

Oh.

What is?

There are no takes. There is no viewer.

The film is the story. The story is us.

We are the film.

So, what do you think?

I need to take a walk.

Dear God, my movie is the worst piece of crap I have ever seen in my entire life.

How could I have been so blind?

It's a self-indulgent, adolescent mess.

I can barely sit through it.

And now, with all this hype, I've got a real snakes on a plane brewing.

The critics are gonna crucify me.

My career will be over before it begins.

God, if you're out there, I know I don't deserve it, but I need your help.

Please take this project away from me.

Make it rain, send a meteor, anything. Please?

Now?

Okay, I get it. This is what I deserve.

I'll finish it up.


Hi, I'm Pierce Hawthorne's emergency contact.

You're here to pick him up? No, no.

I'm here to be removed as his emergency contact.

One second. Hey, I got a class!

Where is everybody?

Is anyone coming to get Leonard?

No. Nobody comes for him anymore.

His kids asked us to stop calling them.

Why do you think he acts like that?

So we're in prison, right?

All right, bring him out.

Over here, Pierce. Come on. Book.

Hey.

Go wait in the car.

It wasn't my fault.

Go. Wait. In. The. Car.

Ooh!...

You want me to change that or not?

I guess not.

Uh, but, um, could you do me a favor?

Could you add Britta Perry as a contact?

P-e-r-r-y.

And would you give her a call a couple of times a week?

She gets pretty worried about him.

And, uh, she works days, so make sure you call at night.

Everyone thinks what you did was destined to happen, that it was proof that God was making my movie, a movie so good, it could never exist.

They think I'm a genius, and they think you're a villain.

You heard me praying.

I don't know what you mean.

Oh, this is gonna be good!

Abed sent me a new link, and that man knows his video virality.

So you're just gonna drop all pretense of actually teaching us?

Yeah. Here we go.

Blessed be the peacemakers, word to the meek, the kingdom of heaven is open all week.

You finished my movie.

I don't know what you mean.

You humble me.

You humble me too.

Okay, open your books, because Abed has broken the Internet.

Great.

So which one of us is gonna head home and change?

Hilarious.

So you guys bought one of my outfits and then staked out my apartment every day until I wore it?

That's not pathetic.

Okay.

Well.

Good job.

I guess I'm heading home to change now.

Oh, I hit traffic. Did I miss it?