Community S2E6 Script

Epidemiology (2010)

Halloween... A time of vampires, hobgoblins, Draculas, boogens, and headless mice.

I'm George Takei.

You know what?

Let's just get to it.

Mm-hmm. How is it?

Pretty good taco meat.

I wonder how the dean scored this sweet spread.

Ah, ah, ah.

Chef gaga never reveals her caterer.

And don't try reading my p... p... p.... poker face.

It's military rations from an army surplus store.

I didn't read your poker face.

You left the containers in the garbage.

Oh, well, um, you guys have fun.

I'm gonna... gonna take out the garbage.

Oh, you may also want to adjust your iTunes setting.

When it's not playing an endless loop of Abba's greatest hits, it's playing what I think may be your personal voice memos.


Note to self... Get oil changed, check Netflix for that movie where Greg Kinnear...

Plays a ghost... No, an angel... and something called human centi...

David Beckham. Hmm.

Dragon turtle?


Man, I wonder how much effort you put into being accidentally handsome for a costume every year.

Only half the effort you'll be putting into eating and drinking tonight.

Let me help you, dragon turtle.

Guys, Shirley's costume is once again unwittingly ambiguous.

I don't know what she's supposed to be, but I do know she's not miss piggy.

I repeat... She is not miss piggy.

You're on your own.

Hello! Guess who I am.

Um, can't you just say?


Pierce, are you okay?

Huh? What? Huh?


Hey, if you get any more sweaty and puffy, your costume's gonna reach new levels of authenticity.

Oh, I don't understand. Shut up.

He's acting like the impression of him we do behind his back.

Get away from me!

Oh, man, just when you think it's funny.


Okay, okay, okay. Ooh.

Oh, excuse me.

I think my friend is really sick.

I'm not a doctor.

I'm a doctor.

Annie! Rich from pottery class.

Oh, hey! Oh, hey.

Wow, this looks serious. Yeah.

Let's... You know what? Let's get him over here.

Okay. Oh, boy.

He is just not in very good shape, is he?

But you look fantastic.

Oh, thank you.

Look at you with your hood.

Get away from those hotties!

You're safe now.

But if that thing comes back, I'm gonna need one or both of your phone numbers.

Yeah, right.

I don't get it.

How do you do it?

Well, I am wearing a $6,000 suit, and you spent 3 days making cardboard robot armor.

You're saying they feel sorry for you?

I'm saying I remind girls less of taking their little brothers to comic-con.

Rich. More?

Put her with the others.

102... This may be food poisoning.

Rich, what did I tell you?

To rule out food poisoning. Yes.

But also not to say the words out loud.

Who wants to walk my plank, huh?


Okay, I'm ruling out food poisoning.

Guess who I am.

Michelle Kwan?


Kristi Yamaguchi?

Peggy Fleming.

Just been proven racist by the racist-prover.

Hey, guess who I am.


Have you noticed a weird vibe taking a hold of this party?

It's like every fifth person is on something seriously hard-core.

Yeah, I wonder who's holding...

The key to your riddle.

Hey. Hey.

Where's your costume?

Trying something new.

But our costumes go together, and if you're not in yours, I'm just a guy in a spandex suit and a bike helmet.

Well, I'm a sexy Dracula. You mean vampire.

I don't need to know which Dracula I am to be a Dracula.


Your symptoms are progressing even faster than everyone else's.

How much of that taco-meat stuff did you eat, star-burns?

I didn't eat any.

My name is Alex!

Whatever it is must have transferred through Pierce's bite.

My God, I think you're right.

Annie, you make quite the little nurse.

Thank you, rich.

You're quite a banana.

Jeez, why don't you guys just get a roo...

But the only people getting sick are the ones eating what I bought at your surplus store.

I never said the stuff was delicious, but you can't get sick from it.

It's nonperishable.

What about the taco-meat stuff... the classic flavor? The what?

The one with the goofy label.


"Classified Phoenix.

"If found, repeat key phrase..."

"echo, tango, X-ray, nine, nine, seven."

Yeah. Sounds delicious.

Anyway, it looks like taco meat and...


Greendale Community College?


This is special operations officer McHenry.


I need you to listen to me very carefully.

Okay, one hint.

I'm a beloved character from our childhood.

I can't stop seeing it. I know.

Leonard, behave yourself. I'm a Christian woman.

Leonard, you better back that pumpkin ass up, or I will make a pie.

Hey, Jeff, it's me, rich, from pottery class.

"Doc Potterywood," remember? 'Cause we were...

Rich, bigger fish. Yeah.

Guys, there's some kind of infection at the party that's making people act weird and bite each other.

We need to coordinate an orderly evacuation without causing unnecessary panic.

Holy crap!

Leonard's a zombie!

Zombie attack!

Never mind.

Oh, my God! Ah!

I'm sorry. Open the door!

I've been told we need a little baby quarantine until the army gets here.

The army?

I know, right?

They said to wait for six hours.

Stay strong.


I hate to be the "we've got company" guy, but...


Hey, guess who I am.

Or don't.

Head to the back!


You punched a lady bee!


Let go of the door, you little bitch!


Oh, thank God you're all right!

Whoo! We did it!

Okay, did we lose anybody out there?

No. Is anybody hurt?


Okay, last question, and I know it's a long shot, but did anybody happen to shut off the dean's playlist?

Two percent milk, eggs, deodorant, puppy chow...

Okay, it's a officially a waking nightmare.

When are the police coming?

Help is on the way. Hello?

Help is on the way.

Hello? Help is on the way.

Flavor flav was right.

It's the end of days.

It can't be the end of days.

It's not 2012 yet.

It's not the end of days.

There seems to be a rabies-related pathogen affecting the prefrontal cortex of the brain, causing hyper aggression.

It could take years for it to take over the world.

How many years? 1, 1 1/2.

2012! End of days!

End of days! End of days!

Good thinking, Jeff...

Vertical fold.

You making fun of me?

That jacket is worth more than the island you were grown on, Chiquita MD.

"Chiquita MD"... I like it.

Rich, this is a good time to let you know that I hate you.

Shouldn't we be barricading the room?

I don't know. These guys don't seem so...

Argh! I will help you.

Wait! Wait!

Before you barricade us in, I need to ask if anyone has been bitten.

You bit, huh? You bit?

This pathogen is spread through bites, so if anyone has been bitten and you allow us to seal ourselves in here with you, you're putting us all in danger.

All right, go ahead.

Are we really just gonna sit here?

The army's gonna be here in six hours.

Why six hours? Are they hosting the Oscars?


And the winner for best adapted Oscar burn, Jeff Winger for "Oh, snap! The man who went there".

Those people don't have six hours.

Judging from the temperatures of those infected...

Within three hours, they're gonna start suffering from brain damage.

Three hours after that, they're gonna be dead.

What? We have to do something for them.

Do something? For the zombies?

If we lower the temperature of the whole building, would it break the fever and kill the virus?

It might.

I know where the thermostat is... out there on the wall.

Troy, we have to rise to the occasion like Ripley and kick monster butt in our undies.

I'm not Ripley, Abed.

I'm a cool, sexy Dracula.

I make love to ladies, and I survive.

I'm with Troy.

Guys, those are not zombies.

Those are our classmates, and they're sick.

And they can make us sick by biting us.

The banana said so. It's true.

The incubation only takes minutes.

First, you get a stomachache.

Then your skin turns red, followed by cold sweats.

Muscle spasms, high fever, and then the uncontrollable urge to bite uninfected flesh.

Oh, Jesus.

And I forgot one symptom.

Slurred speech.

Hey, you got bit!

I felt like maybe I was special.

Special? You're not special.

I'm special.

I was bit ten minutes ago, and I'm... fine.

Oh, great.

Nobody is special!

Hey, Rich, just so you know, I hate you less now.

That's how much I hate your normal self.

You have to destroy his brain.

What the hell?

A hamster! Way to go!


Run! Run!

Head for the stairs!

What about Annie? Don't look back!

Why not?


Shirley, oh, God.

Don't look back!


Oh, this is how I die... As Miss Piggy.

You're not Miss Piggy.

You're Glenda the good witch.

Oh! You knew?

Just so you know, I've always loved Peggy Fleming.

You're not racist.


Oh, cool.

A dark basement.

I was just thinking we should be doing this in a dark basement.

Troy, why did you ditch your costume?

Why bring that up now, Abed? We might die down here.

All the more reason to get this ironed out.

You called me a nerd up there. What defines a nerd...

Committing to an awesome Halloween costume with your best friend?

Is that what nerds do?

I don't know, Abed, because I'm not a nerd, which is why I'm not taking part in this very conversation.

Shh! Nerds.

Did you hear that?


It was just a cat.

Let's keep moving.

Oh! Holy crap!

What is up with that cat?

Is someone throwing it? Let's keep moving.


Let's not keep moving, because there is an insane cat down here.

Well, what about the zombies?

Back burner, Troy! This cat has to be dealt with.

There it is! Grab it!

This should lead upstairs. The thermostat will be...

Enough with the thermostat, Abed.

This is not pretend play time, save-the-world time.

It's quarter past let's-get-the-hell- out-of-this-building time.

There. There's a window.

All right, if we climb that dusty fence, we can hoist each other against he wall and then squeeze through it.

I vote we take the door.

He doesn't want to dirty his suit.

For real?

Clothes make the man, Troy.

What the... Hey! Ah!


That's my jacket!

My jacket... You're stretching it!

You're stretching it!

Wrong way! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Go. I'm not going without you!

Troy, make me proud.

Be the first black man to make it to the end.

Go, go, go, go, go!


I love you.

I know.

Make it fast.


Troy, be honest.

Are you a zombie? I will mace you.

Give me the keys.

Those people are gonna get brain damage if someone doesn't help 'em.

Okay, Troy, there is something called

"chain of command, " so unfortunately...


Are you crazy?

How are you gonna survive those zombies?

I'm gonna be a nerd.

Better have a plan "B"!

That's right.

Prepare to meet the power of imagination.

Ugh! Okay.

All right, I don't know why I thought this would work.

Hey, get off me!

Get off... You're so strong!

God, I hate this!

Get off!

Stop using your mouth!

Hello, zombie Annie.

What big fists you have... in your face!


Beam this up, Scotty.

In your face!

Zombie Shirley...

I don't know what you are, but...

In your face!

Abed, we're friends.

Ah! Abed, no!

Ah, Britta!

Okay, okay.

I've been bit, y'all.

Dag. Congrats.

You did what the zombies do.

Jeff, still cool as a zombie.


Out of the way! Out of the way!

Out of the way!

You dean Pelton? Speaking.

Wow. Six hours on the dot.

Yeah, well, practice makes perfect.

You the only witness?

I am.

All right.

Hey, we got uninfected in here.

How many we talking?

I think it might be all of 'em.

All right, scenario "B".

Repeat, scenario "B".

Let's dose these suckers.

Dose what now? Oh!

So you remember nothing past your decision to be Lady Gaga?

Can't believe that somebody would mass-roofie an entire party.

I can't believe it wasn't me.

I can't believe I believe you...

And I don't.

Want to watch a movie?


Aliens, cyborgs, or zombies?

I don't know why, but I'm kind of over zombies.

Yeah, I don't feel like anything action-heavy.

How about something light?

You seen Marmaduke?

And so Troy and Abed went back to the dormitory for a viewing of Marmaduke.

I'm George Takei, and if you're name is Kevin, here's a little freebie for your cell phone.

Hi, Kevin can't come to the phone.

He's on a spaceship with me, George Takei.

Please leave a message.

You're welcome Kevins.

Happy Halloween.

Voice mail?

Troy! This is Chang.

There's not much time.

I don't think we're gonna make it.

Listen, if you survive, please spread this message for me.

Shirley and I totally did it!

Shh! Chang, what are you doing?


Gotta go!

Why did he call me?