Community S3E1 Script

Biology 101 (2011)

♪ We're gonna fly To school each morning ♪

♪ We're gonna smile The entire time ♪

♪ We're gonna be more happy ♪

♪ We're gonna finally be fine ♪

♪ We're gonna get More calm and normal ♪

♪ We're gonna fix Our state of mind ♪

♪ We're gonna be less crazy ♪

♪ We're gonna finally be fine ♪

♪ We're gonna stand holding Hands in a brand new land ♪

♪ Far away from the borderline ♪

♪ We're gonna seem Like a mainstream dream ♪

♪ And be appealing To all mankind ♪

♪ We're gonna have more fun And be less weird ♪

♪ Than the first Two years combined ♪

♪ And we're gonna live forever ♪

♪ We're gonna sleep together ♪

♪ And we're gonna finally Be sunny and shinily ♪

♪ We're gonna finally be fine ♪ Jeff. Jeff?

Oh, sorry. Uh, what was the question?

What are we gonna do without Pierce in the study group this year? We'll figure it out.

Speaking of figuring things out, me and Abed have an announcement.

Troy and I are living together.

Oh, that's... Oh, that's nice.

We're registered at Linens 'n Things.

We have linens. We want the things.

How you like me now, bitches?

Dean, you seem different.

You in a play?

Time to whip this place into shape.

I'm gonna be a mean, lean, deaning machine.

No more paintball, no more spaceships, no more trampolines, and no more...

What is that?

It's probably the monkey that lives in the vents.

I named him "Annie's Boobs," after Annie's boobs.

This is the kind of national lampoonery that is coming to an end this year.

Homie don't dean this.

Let's get to Biology on time.

I don't wanna be a screw-up.

Uh, Britta.

Damn it!

We're really doing this without Pierce? So sad.

We've parted ways with our closest, oldest, craziest, most racist, oldest, elderly, crazy friend, and he's not coming back.

I'm back.

How was your summer? Enlightful, Annie.

I underwent three months of intensive soul-rezoning at the Laser Lotus Celebrity Center.

I stand before you a more highly evolved Pierce Hawthorne, one that can accept that this table has a...

Has a sort of magic in it.

Aw.

I'd like to come back.

Yeah. Damn it!

Oh, uh, sorry.

I had the frustrating realization that you can't come back, you're not in Biology and it's full.

Couldn't we take something else?

Surely we've evolved beyond caring what class we take together.

Oh, yeah. Pierce!

I'll do you one better.

I think we've evolved beyond reliance on a group at all.

Aren't we just actual friends now, no matter where we are?

What's magic about this table?

It magically keeps our books from falling on the floor.

Ah. The table's for studying, but as friends, we've evolved.

Let's use that first breath of crisp, new, super-evolved air to declare proudly and in one voice:

"Pierce, we'll see you when we see you."

Don't tell the monkey I'm living here.

♪ Give me some more Time in a dream ♪

♪ Give me the hope To run out of steam ♪

♪ Somebody said It can be here ♪

♪ We could be roped up Tied up dead in a year ♪

♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay ♪

♪ One by one they all Just fade away ♪

Star-Burns, I see you added a lizard to your special hat and sideburns.

Am I missing anything? Yeah.

The human being underneath it all, but no one's interested in that, are they? No.

I hope we did the right thing about Pierce.

He really seems like he's changed.

That's what he wants you to think.

Trust me. We're better off.

Excluding Pierce is what drove him crazy.

Wrong, being crazy drove him excluded.

What? Cougar Town's been moved.

Mmm. That's never a good sign.

Not cool, not cool.

It's coming back in January.

Six seasons and a movie. Six seasons and a movie.

Oh.

This is intro to Biology.

I'm your professor, Dr. Marshall Kane, PhD.

It took me 6205 hours to get my degree, and I know, because I was only allowed in the library one hour per day at the San Vicente Correctional Facility while serving a sentence of 25 to life.

Now, let's talk about that word.

"Life."

Uh, sorry. It's a new phone. Switching to vibrate.

Continue. It's really great.

I stared at a crack in the ground in my cell for years, and one day, something grew from it.

A single blade of grass.

Vibrates louder than the ringer.

Gosh. You know what? Turning it off.

Living thing, growing from dead stone.

Get out!

Oh, it's off, it's off. Out!

I turned it off.

Fine. Okay, fine. I'm leaving.

And don't bother coming back.

Seriously? Hey, dude, Sean Penn called.

He says to dial it back.

Sean Peon's an actor who... I know.

I've seen Milk. Now get out.

Dude, learn to blend.

I will not tolerate monkeys living on campus.

If I wanted to run a monkey hotel, I'd install a banana buffet.

I'd use vines as elevators, and I'd put tail holes in the bathrobes, and I'd lower all the shower knobs.

You've thought this through. It's your turn.

Brainstorm. Idea shower.

Spray your solutions all over me.

We could seal all the vents and then pump the ducts with some kind of gas that knocks out monkeys.

Monkey knockout gas!

That's the kind of grounded, sensible thinking I wanna see this year.

Catherine, who's next?

Vice Dean Laybourne from Air-Conditioning Repair School annex.

Vice Dean. Dean. New suit, Dean?

New Dean, Vice Dean. New Dean.

I see that you used school funds to buy an espresso machine for your faculty break room.

I don't recall being consulted on that.

We don't consult you on anything.

That's the problem.

The Air-Conditioning Repair School annex seems to think it's separate from Greendale, but it's an annex.

An appendage, on a body, with a head, and this head is saying to this appendage, "Whazup?" What you say makes sense, Dean.

Tell you what.

You bring your head down to my appendage tomorrow, and I'll show you "whazup."

I'll be there.

I think I found something that will help Abed.

Abed, did you know that Cougar Town is an American adaptation of a 1990s British sitcom?

Cougarton Abbey.

Just been around Cougarton Chapel.

I'm having an awakening.

Come off it. You're having a butchers at the choir boys.

Better than nothing. Thanks, Britta.

Can you believe that guy, kicking me out of class like that?

It's gonna be impossible to find a science class with six open spots.

Why do that? I'm not in Biology anymore.

Neither is Pierce, but you're both still our friends.

We've evolved.

Right, Jeff?

Yes, we have.

We love each other. Mmm-hmm.

We all go to the same school, so, uh...

I guess I'll see ya when I see ya.

Hey, guess what.

I was on the wait list for Biology, somebody got kicked out, I am here to study!

Yay!

All hail, Sir Eats-Alone. Shut up, Leonard.

I heard about your prescription socks.

Hope you don't mind, Jeff, got a new show, only on Episode Six.

You guys got five minutes to eat.

Time flies when you're studying the science of life.

Time flies when you joke about movies that sound like names for poops.

The Remains of the Day.

Were you eavesdropping on our study session?

I was eavesdropping on your goof-off session, you missed the most obvious one.

No, I said Green Mile.

Operation Dumbo Drop.

Too clever by half, Jeffrey.

All right, I gotta go.

Thanks for the five minutes.

Aw, Jeffrey.

The barrister's foreclosed the Abbey.

Fancy a drink, then?

Oi, fetch us a Hemlock.

Um...

Um... Britta?

Why did everyone on Cougarton Abbey just die?

They only ran six episodes.

That's the great thing about British TV. Closure.

No, no, no!

We'll find you a new favorite show!

Come on, buddy.

You are human tennis elbow.

You are a pizza burn on the roof of the world's mouth.

You are the opposite of Batman.

You don't need them, man.

Exactly. I'll see 'em when I see 'em.

Totally.

We should hang out sometime. Grab a drink?

Sure. Where are you living now?

The air vents of the school. Shh!

I'm free, Jeff. Free!

I gotta get back in that class.

Real Dean coming through... Oh, my goodness, spacious!

Vice Dean...

Is this where Greendale's money is going?

More accurately, Dean, it's where Greendale's money comes from.

Our air-conditioning program has a job placement rate five times higher than the rest of your school combined.

Our alumni donations comprise 80 percent of your entire school's budget.

And you want to know why we think we deserve an espresso machine?

Well, I guess I didn't know. I... Then you never had to, Dean.

You could've lived the rest of your life in blissful ignorance and died a happy, pansexual imp.

But you wanted to feel power this year.

Well, now, you're going to feel my power as it surges downward from me, straight through you, from nostril to rectum, now until the end of time.

And that's "whazup."

I forgot everything you said before "rectum"!

Who are these guys?

This is my legal team, because I think it's time we worked out a new agreement.

He doesn't look like a lawyer.

That's a barber.

Because I'm also sick of that ridiculous goatee.

You look like a white Lou Gossett Jr.

You deserve a bigger office.

Biggest office I ever had.

I'm here to apologize, Dr. Kane, and beg you for a seat in Biology.

You wanna learn about life?

Give up the phone.

You're asking me for a bribe?

I can't be bought, man. You feel me?

See, prison was my walls.

But you put your walls up.

You, and your phone, and your attitude, and your Fruit Loops cologne.

Your walls put up so tight, man, not even a blade of grass could get through.

But even if it did, you wouldn't appreciate it.

That's why you can't come back to my class.

What's your problem with me, man?

And don't act like it's not about me specifically, because you've been in...

Busted!

Hey! Take it easy, Winger.

Everything okay? It is now that I have this.

This is my ticket to getting back in the group.

Hey! Hey! Eh!

I wanna be in the group so bad!

All right, let's smoke 'em and choke 'em.

No! No! No, no!

Uh-oh.

What is that? Monkey gas!

Monkey gas?

Oh, my God!


Abed?

All your friends are here.

They wanna talk to you.

How's this different from the way he always is?

This'd be a great time to baptize him.

Abed, maybe this can be your new favorite show.

It's a British sci-fi series that's been on the air since 1962.

Britta, you've done enough.

Why not start a ruiners' club?

Wait, you'd probably ruin it.

I'd be doing a good job because it's a ruiners' club.

You ruined my analogy.

Guys, look!

Blimey, Inspector!

Where have we wound up this time?

Not where, Constable, but when.

Inspector, look out! Blorgons!

Eradicate! Eradicate!

This is the best show I've ever seen.

Ah! Having fun without me again?

Jeff, what happened? You look 70.

Abed has a new favorite TV show, Jeff.

It's called Inspector Spacetime.

Can it, boobs! I came here to let you know that your best friend Pierce is the one that got me kicked out of bio class and the study group.

It was a plan he hatched from the beginning with his pal, Professor Kane.

But, Jeff, that's a photo I gave our professor of me visiting Hawthorne Wipes' spokesman and rap artist Sugar Cube in prison during the '90s.

Well, they... They look alike.

I guess they share one important feature in your eyes.

That's not fair!

I... I was standing far away, and I saw the prison uniform!

Oh, Jeffrey! Oh, come on, obviously I don't mean all black people are in prison!

Oh!

Jeff, clearly you have gone off the deep end.

Don't blame him.

The table is powerful, and being cut off from it... Shut the...

I've become agitated.

I apologize.

We'll continue this discourse at a later date.

Good night.

He just needs some space.

Ah!

I'm going to kill the one thing you love!

I'm gonna kill it!

As long as it breathes, it controls our lives!

I just came by to tell everyone this year isn't gonna be that different.

With the notable exception, we really won't have any money.

Have a nice night.

What is with that guy?

Did you find the monkey?

No, but here's the invoice.

As it turns out, I can't pay this or your salaries starting on two weeks ago.

But, what I do have are these vouchers for the classes of your choosing.

You're lucky I need my scuba certification.

Okay, okay.

I'm the one living in your vents.

I have no home and no job.

Does that mean you'll work for room and board?

Okay, I was lying the whole time.

I didn't want the group to evolve.

I just didn't want Pierce around.

I hate him.

But, Jeff, what you did, it's hard to get past that.

I know you're already out of the study group, but I'm gonna have to ask that you stop being my friend.

Okay, look, everybody, here's the thing, I am not as evolved as I said I was.

The Biology class was full, so I told Professor Kane I'd pay him a few thousand dollars to kick Jeff out.

What? Pierce!

What? Pierce!

Jeff attacked a table with a fire axe and only managed to be the second craziest in the room.

Everybody in favor of voting Pierce out?

Stop! Stop!

Pierce isn't crazy.

The table is magic.

As someone who's been on the other side, I can tell you, it is a scary, lonely, Chang-filled world out there, and sure, this group has sprouted some legs, but why are we in such a rush to leave the tide pool, when the only things waiting for us on shore are the sands of time and the seagulls of slowly growing apart?

Man, I really need this Biology class.

Pierce.

Professor Kane has never taken a bribe from anyone in his life.

You feel me? I lied, but you seem to have a harder time being the bad guy than me.

You're right. I do.

Which, in a weird way, makes me a pretty bad guy.

We're one and the same. Please don't.

Jeff, but you're still kicked out of Biology.

Oh, I'm not worried about it.

Life has a way of breaking through.

So, uh, here's what I'm thinking.

I'm a drug dealer, right? And you're a scientist, so couldn't we get, like, a Breaking Bad type of thing going?

Sorry, Star-Face, you just lost your seat in my class.

There, now the table is good as new.

So is Abed.

Britta, I'm sorry I was overprotective of Abed.

I'll be more supportive. Here's your first chance.

Helping Abed has inspired me to finally declare a major.

I'm gonna study Psychology.

Like in a research capacity?

No, in a hands-on capacity. I'm gonna be a therapist.

Oh.

Hey, hey, hey, keep it down.

There's a new sheriff in town.

Oh, interesting. So this is the year we all die.

We're all gonna die. This is our last year.