Community S3E12 Script

Contemporary Impressionists (2012)

Pierce! Hi!

Hi! Hi, Pierce. Oh...

Hi. Hey.

Happy New Year, you guys. Do anything fun over break?

Baby Ben got to be Baby Jesus in our church's Nativity play.

Andre was Joseph, Jordan, one of the Wise Men, and I was in charge of casting.

I digitized my entire movie collection. Goodbye, VHS.

Hello, SelectaVision CED Video Disc.

I'm very psyched for the new semester.

Or should I say... Intro to Human Psyched.

The worst.

For our midterm, we actually get to diagnose a fellow student with something.

Don't you do that already?

Accusational Opposition Disorder.

Hello. Whoa.

You've noticed my swagger has a new swagger.

I'll explain. Over break, I took the plunge and started seeing a new shrink. What? Hello!

Hello. I talked about my dad, punched a few pillows.

And she put me on this amazing anti-anxiety pill.

It's really enhanced my self-confidence.

I explained that really well.

Jeff, you can't be on anti-anxiety meds.

What self-doubt you have is the only thing keeping your ego penned in.

You are a textbook narcissist.

I'm an exceptional narcissist, Britta.

Oh, excuse me.

I didn't kill my wife!

I don't care.

Stop that fugitive!

I was wondering how long for things to get back to normal.

Over break, Abed realized he could hire celebrity impersonators for his own personal use.

He's been doing it a lot. He's not hurting anybody.

He likes reenacting scenes from movies.

It's unquestionably awesome. I question it.

He spent New Year's with Tom Hanks from Cast Away. Abed was the volleyball?

That makes sense. You guys, focus!

Where's he getting the money? Intervention. Intervention.

No! You guys need to stop. You seriously have a problem.

I said I didn't kill my wife! I still don't care.

Freeze!

Chang, they're just acting!

Oh. Sorry. What was that?

I've got a friend at the zoo.

♪ Give me some more Time in a dream ♪

♪ Give me the hope To run out of steam ♪

♪ Somebody said It can be here ♪

♪ We could be roped up Tied up dead in a year ♪

♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay ♪

♪ One by one they all Just fade away ♪

What is this I hear about a tranquilizer gun?

If you had hit a small student, they could have died!

I wouldn't. I have a heavy flashlight for them.

Oh, Ben! Look, I have to resort to extreme measures.

I'm a one-man army. You won't let me have any guards.

We're broke! We get 80 percent of our electricity from the apartment building across the street.

Okay. I don't know who told you pouting was an option for you, but all you're making me feel is hatred of Renee Zellweger.

Look, maybe you bring on some students as security interns.

I'll let you offer them a credit in safety or math.

Thank you. You won't regret this unless I rise up against you.

I don't know why I said that. Bye.

Huh! Tah!

Zhou! Zeet! Dah! Toi!

Jeff. Jeff!

I looked it up. I was right.

About Danny Thomas? I looked it up too. Weird.

No, those meds you're taking.

Without anxiety to keep your vanity in check, you are vulnerable to Hypernarcissosis.

Okay, look. This apple is your ego.

Imagine it expanding to the point of critical mass, taking over your whole personality, making you an uncontrollable monster.

How did an apple make that clear? Imagine it expanding?

Use a balloon. I'm on my way to lunch.

Why take this away from me?

I like having no anxiety. I'm in harmony with the world.

Looking good, Winger. Thank you for that compliment, and for your service to this country.

I'm so confident I can pull things off I never dreamed.

Look. Aviators.

Final boarding call, Beefcake Airways.

I'm warning you as your friend to get off of those meds.

Until they're out of your system, stay away from fiattering situations, weddings, soft lighting, formal wear, gay bars.

And take those off! Because they make me look good?

That's not relevant. Ah, welcome back, Jeffrey.

How was your... Uh-huh-hunh!

Oh, my God! Even his shadow! Look at his shadow!

Security internship available.

Come on, see the world.

You won't see the world, but come on!

Hey, Nadir. Oh, hey, Vinnie.

Vinnie's the owner of the celebrity impersonator service.

You look familiar. That's how we all get started.

But at a certain point, if you're smart, you move up to management before the gold mine of resembling French Stewart runs dry.

Ah... French Stewart...

Speaking of gold mines, you owe me three grand, pal.

Cool. Put it on my account. Do I look like a sucker?

French Stewart. I don't have three grand.

Better get it. Because I'll tell you something...

You'd make an amazing Seacrest.

Very kind. Thank you. You're actually a lot taller.

You've actually got a sharper jaw too.

You're more handsome than the guy famous for being handsome.

Jeff?

You'll be okay. Just stay humble.

Maybe there's another option.

I've got a big event Saturday, needs a lot of bodies, huh?

And I see some high-value faces here. Got an Oprah.

Oh! And sitting next to her is a Judy Garland or an Anne Hathaway.

Add a few extra teeth.

Wow, this is rare. Both versions of Michael Jackson.

And you... Fat Brando. Burt Reynolds.

What? What?

Fat Brando. Whatever. Burt Reynolds. Whatever.

If you guys work this gig for me for six hours, we'll call it even.

Sounds fun. Can we have a minute to talk?

Sure. The guy who makes fish sticks looks like Quincy Jones. Get out.

Seriously. Guys, I'm sorry, but we have to put our foot down.

She has a point. Next time it'll be $10,000, then 20, then he'll hit rock bottom and have no one but Jesus.

I say we let this play out. I'd love to help, but playing Ryan Seacrest at a big party may not be a safe situation for me.

We could actually hurt Abed if every time he faces reality, we play make-believe to bail him out.

Shame on you people.

It's not our job to help Abed grow up.

Abed doesn't need reality. Abed is a magical, elf like man who makes us all more magical by being near us.

Pierce, who came over that time you forgot how to fart?

Abed. Shirley...

Who got you a DVD of Precious, based on Push, by Sapphire, and a copy of Push autographed by Sapphire?

Abed. All we had was reality before.

He's made all of our lives better than reality.

Now it becomes inconvenient, and it's time to get real?

For shame!

He's right.

Sorry, Troy. Hey, guys.

Abed, we would be happy to help you out.

It'll be a good time. Cool. Cool, cool, cool.

Cool. Oprah. Oh, thank you.

See ya, Vin. Fat Brando.

Burt Reynolds. Yeah.

Thanks for being flexible. This'll be fun.

Fun. Yeah, sure. But here's the deal.

Um, if you guys mess this up, then his debt is overdue.

And I don't send another bill.

No, I send two guys that look a lot like Ving Rhames and Michael Chiklis.

And they do a very convincing impression of breaking your friend's legs.

Their secret is, they actually break them.

Impersonators, our guest of honor is one Howie Schwartz, who, according to the Talmud, just became a man.

But I wouldn't want him next to me in a foxhole.

Ha! Ground rules, do stay in your assigned quadrants quoting lines from movies you are positive your impersonatee was in.

Do not leave your quadrant, burp, fart, cough, hiccup, or cuss.

The exception being James, our resident Walter Matthau.

How you doing, Jimmy?

Give 'em hell. All right, let's go.

All my life I has to fight.

Ready to tangle.

Handsome Seacrest, I need you in this tux.

Jeff, do not wear that. Aw, zip it, White Jacko.

Don't worry, that thing in the cafeteria freaked me out, so my shrink doubled my dosage.

What? Jeff, that's insane!

I thought so too, but after I took that extra pill, it seemed like a great idea.

Jeff, put it on. Go. No, Jeff!

Stop arguing. If you have anything else to say, say it in a high-pitched voice walking backwards.

Jeff is in danger. Hee-hee!

Uh, may I help you? I'm one of the impersonators.

Which one?

Do I have to say it?

Burt Reynolds.

I don't believe anybody hired you to impersonate Burt Reynolds.

Why not? Do I have to say it?

May I help you? I'm Brando.

Hmm...

Could be under "Fat."

Ah. Oh.

Totally.

Go on in.

Bam.

Get back to your station. I'm talking to Geena Davis.

Do this right or Vinnie won't clear your debt.

Who cares about money? Look around. This is why we're alive.

Ooh, fake Lorenzo Lamas. Let's go.

I was so sad to hear of your passing.

Me too.

Sergeant Chang, what are you doing here?

Hey, Annie. Just one of the perks when your brother's a rabbi.

He throws me some private security gigs at the events he officiates.

They can get really intense sometimes.

Can you believe some jerk brought a scalpel to a bris?

Now smile.

Why is he out of his quadrant?

I'm Lorenzo Lamas.

He's reenacting a movie. Please.

What were Jamie Lee Curtis and Lorenzo Lamas in together?

I'm embarrassed because you've never seen Lorenzo's Oil.

Lorenzo is an oil tycoon that gets his address book switched with Jamie Lee Curtis', and they give each other piggyback rides.

Tch. I can't believe... Did you go to college?

Yes. No.

Whatever. Keep working.

Oh, my God. You are gorgeous!

Look at this one. He's like a Robert Redford.

No, no, more like a taller, hotter Ryan Seacrest.

Amazing. You're more handsome than the guy who's famous for being handsome.

Skull Cracker 2000. Top of the line.

Who wants to hold it? Me!

That's so cool. Awesome.

Dude, this is so sick. Check this out.

Any of you young men interested in a college credit?

Sure! Right!

Look, if you have a request, not a real DJ.

These are props. You look like a friend.

You're friends with Moby?

♪ All the pretty horses ♪ Jeff! Oh!

I haven't been dipped like that since my last divorce.

Britta, you were right. I can feel my ego taking over.

Do something! Okay, listen to me.

You are not that big of a deal. Do you understand?

You have bad posture. When you do to many pushups, it looks like you have boobs.

The tile in your bathroom is tacky.

You were emotionally closed off in bed to the point where I didn't come up because I couldn't find close enough parking.

You have an unusually high butt crack.

Thank you.

It couldn't have been easy to lie.

We are getting you out of here.

Get back to your quadrant. Now!

Britta!

You were the highlight of the evening.

If it were up to me, you'd win every award.

There's awards?

Ladies and non-gentilemen, welcome to Howie Schwartz's Star Mitzvah Awards.

Here to present the first award are Fake Morgan Freeman and Fake Bono.

You know, Fake Bono, algebra can be tough.

It sure can, Fake Morgan Freeman.

And that's why it's so important to reward those to whom it comes so easily.

The winner for best math student is...

Howie Schwartz.

Wow, these things are heavy.

The award for cleanest room goes to Howie Schwartz.

Coolest skateboard trick, Howie Schwartz!

Best Halo score, Howie Schwartz!

You're gonna win the award for most handsome young man.

Nah. Oh, give me a break. It's his bar mitzvah.

Jeff, I think that we should go.

There's an award for most handsome young man!

Hello, everyone. It is my honor and privilege as Fake Oprah Winfrey to present the final award.

Most handsome young man.

Aw...

And the winner is...

Howie Schwartz!

No!

Aah!

Look at me! Look at me!

No, Jeffrey! Jeffrey... Oh!

Oh!

Oh, God, no!

What the hell? You wanted it!

You all want it!

Ow!

Ah!

I love you, Dad! I knew you'd invite the Hulk!

You're lucky. And your friend's debt is paid.

Hey, Jimmy, wait up.

Boogie Nights.

You're Fat Burt Reynolds, right?

I'll take it.

Abed, your leg! What'd they do? Tell me who they looked like!

Doc, doc! Who's there?

Your femur bone. He needs money. He's broke.

Ha, ha, ha. Hey.

Laughter's the best medicine.

What are you doing?

I'm challenging your medical establishment.

Not you.

So we just spent our whole night paying off your debt, and you're blowing money on Patch Adams?

It's two for one. We're doing Popeye next.

Ah-ga-ga-ga-ga.

Get him some spinach.

I'm Olive Oyl.

Get out!

Are you mad at me?

No. Cool.

Gonna go in the Dreamatorium and play Inspector Spacetime.

Have fun.

Abed. Yeah?

Come here.

I am mad at you. You said you weren't.

We never lie. I know.

We made a deal. Friends don't lie to each other.

I know! I lied.

You don't like people who tell you what to do, and I don't want to.

Then don't be. I have to be.

Stop renting impersonators.

Vinnie was gonna break both of your legs.

I had to work hard to help you.

That's what you wanted to do. Yes.

But I can't do what I want to do?

I guess not. Not all the time.

Sometimes you have to trust I know better.

I don't know if I can. Then you're gonna have to trust that you're gonna have to trust me.

Well, I don't want to stop being your friend, so...

I guess I'll let you tell me what to do sometimes.

Still best friends?

Yeah.

Still best friends. Always.

Cool. Cool, cool, cool.

Still gonna go to the Dreamatorium?

Think I'm gonna play myself, if that's okay.

Cool. Okay.

Cool.

Seacrest Hulk, you're the greatest!

Whoo! You rock, Seacrest Hulk!

I love you, Seacrest Hulk!

You know, Seacrest Hulk, you're a meshugeneh.

You okay?

No. I ruined a bar mitzvah.

I'm a bad person.

What you're feeling is called shame.

It means you're getting better.

You'll be safe again once those pills wear off.

Um, I was thinking...

You know that person you study for your psych class?

Maybe that should be me.

Uh-uh. No way. You are way out of my league diagnostically.

I'm gonna go with someone less complicated. Like Abed.

Hi, Abed.

Hi. Where's Troy?

In the other room. That's okay.

There are advantages traveling by yourself.

You can drive faster, change direction.

The only pee breaks are yours.

Are you real? Are you?

This is really crazy.

And inaccessible, and maybe too dark.

Maybe to them, but not to us.

Cool. Cool, cool, cool.

Hot. Hot, hot, hot.


Gentlemen, who's ready to Chang the world?

Chang! Chang! Chang! Chang! Chang!

Chang! Chang! Chang! Chang! Chang!

Chang! Chang! Chang! Chang! Chang! Chang!

All hail Chang!