Community S3E19 Script

Curriculum Unavailable (2012)

Look at us, still together as a group, even, what, two months after being kicked out of you know where.

Good thing I came up with this idea for potluck dinners.

All you said was, "I'm hungry."

All Henry Ford said was, "I need a ride."

Troy, is that a casserole?

It's Bagel Bites in a deconstructed hot pocket reduction with a Doritos glaze. I really want to make my food, you know.

Did anybody bring anything that isn't poison?

I need to eat natural, organic foods, or I'm never gonna get rid of this hangover.

Jeff, what'd you bring?

Pack of Life Savers.

Sorry. Dead battery. Where's Abed?

Have you seen Abed?

He's probably out getting something really cool for the dinner.

See? Cool. Abed brought delicious police.

Abed, what happened?

Found him going through the dumpster outside the administration building in Greendale.

This cadet could use a lesson in intergalactic protocol.

It's okay, Officer.

He's just playing a character from TV.

Oh, yes, I'm very familiar with Inspector Spacetime.

You think a guy becomes a cop because his prom night was a dream?

If this were Comic-Con, I'd take a bullet for that kid.

But in the real world, trespassing is a crime.

We're sorry, Officer.

Our friend has been having a hard time adjusting to being expelled from Greendale.

It won't happen again. That's for sure.

I talked to your former dean.

I recommended he press charges.

He said he'd hold off on the condition you set an appointment with this guy.

He's offering to foot the bill for the consultation.

Number for a psychiatrist.

What? No. Abed's not crazy.

Where does the dean get off? He's not the real dean.

He's been replaced by an identical life-form for some nefarious purpose.

Reggie, to the Time Booth. We haven't much...

Space.

I'll be right there, Inspector.

Hey, before I go, you really shouldn't be using this to prop open your building's door.

This is an antique fire brick.

I'd say pre-civil war.

Note the uneven orange hue and the embossment on the back.

What a nifty little piece of Americana.

You could get 50, 60 bucks for it from the right collector.

I watch a lot of Antiques Roadshow.

Oh.

Anyway, walk to your cars in pairs tonight.

Rape's up 8 percent.

$60?

Hello? Rich people, Troy's joining you.

Yes, I'll hold.

♪ Give me some more Time in a dream ♪

♪ Give me the hope To run out of steam ♪

♪ Somebody said It can be here ♪

♪ We could be roped up Tied up dead in a year ♪

♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay ♪

♪ One by one they all Just fade away ♪

Abed.

I'm Dr. Heidi.

We're going to have a little chat tonight.

How does that sound? I don't need therapy.

That's a perfectly normal response.

I concur with Dr. Heidi's diagnosis.

I haven't diagnosed anything yet.

Psych major. Got your back, brah.

I have to say, I didn't expect to see so many of you.

Abed won't go to any kind of doctor on his own.

We caught him last year trying to remove his own tonsils.

Why don't you let me take it from here?

You have to understand Abed. He's usually adorable weird, like Mork from Ork, but, since we got expelled, he's been creepy weird, like present-day Robin Williams.

I'm not crazy.

Well, Abed, I don't deal in crazy.

I deal in health. Hmm.

So how long has Abed needed a crazy amount of help?

All of this behavior started after you were expelled?

There may have been a ramp-up.

It's okay, buddy.

A few minutes, and we're good until spring.

But it doesn't make any sense. Think of it this way.

We get the hour back later in the year.

Yeah.

I rented Tower Heist last night, I won't spoil the ending, but let me tell you, it was quite the hilarious thrill ride.

That Brett Ratner, he's a master at comedic action-adventure.

Mmm. A master at storytelling.

He's just a master at making movies in general.

I'm gonna say it. He's the new Spielberg.

Oh!

I have to go. Excuse me.

Okay.

You're a bad person. You're a bad person.

Time enough at last to eat a sandwich.

Though even he knew that this sandwich was nearer his last sandwich than his first.

Abed, I'm trying to eat. He said, oldly, his brittle bones straining to support the weight of his wrinkly skin.

Stop narrating me.

He shouted to no one, just a man alone in time with nothing but the cold squishiness of tuna salad to comfort him.

I take it back. I don't want to be in your novel.

Pierce had nearly lost his grip on reality.

Lately, he'd begun to think he was in a novel.

And action.

Abed, what the hell are you doing?

Cut. We got it. One more for safety.

It's 4:30 in the morning, and you're in my bedroom.

Use that. Okay.

And action.

But that's almost completely nearly all of it.

If Abed is as sick as you all say, then I have no...

Wait a minute. Nobody in this room gets to define sick.

I do. I'm a psychiatrist.

Any kind of doctor can really.

Really? Yes.

If Abed's sick, then we're all sick.

Yeah.

You can't determine a person's sanity from a few amusing stories.

Exactly. That's right.

If anything, Abed's more sane than any of us.

Yeah. Well.

I mean, he's certainly the craziest one of us, but, you know, we're all kind of crazy-town banana pants.

Talk to me about crazy-town banana pants.

Look, we're just saying it's been a crazy year for everybody.

Who among us hasn't had the odd banana in his or her pants, right?

I have.

How long does peyote last?

Just asking for a friend.

♪ Troy and Abed and Annie in the morning ♪ What are you doing? Nothing.

Nothing my ass. What are all these cameras doing here?

Here, take my coat.

Oh.

Thank you.

That's so sweet.

Just don't eat anything or drink anything, and no sweating or bending at the elbows, and no chairs with backrests, and if you take it off, wooden hangers only.

You're probably warm now, right?

Good news, guys. I spent all my money.

You can't bring that in here.

Yes, I can. It's all-terrain, dummy.

I made a plate of cookies for the group, but my boys ate them, so since they took something of yours, you all get something of theirs.

Elijah loves this, Britta.

There you go, Jeff. There you go, Troy.

Karate championship, second place!

Now I'll be unstoppable.

Oy-ay!

So you see what you call insanity we call solidarity.

I'm sorry.

We just finished telling him about it, and you grab it and squeeze it?

I said I was sorry.

Uh-huh. And so as a group, do you always indulge Abed in these little misadventures?

Take that back.

Our adventures are very manly.

I have to say there's more important to mental health than a support system.

And assuming that this group is, for Abed, said support system, I think I've heard everything I need to hear in order to make a decision.

I think that Abed should be committed.

You mean committed to his character work, right?

Because he already is. Show him your Don Draper.

Cigarettes.

No, I mean an institution.

You mean like marriage?

I mean a mental institution.

Ah. So do I.

Will someone please help me lighten the mood?

Please, Mr. Dr. Psychiatrist, sir, please don't send my best friend to crazy people jail.

Relax. He doesn't have the right. Abed's not dangerous.

He's unique, like a snowflake who gets bent out of shape when you mix up Star Wars and Space Treks.

Or a serial killer's signature.

I'm a psych major.

His continued obsession with Greendale suggests the potential for escalation.

And these stories you've been telling me are very troubling.

You're troubled?

I don't remember any of those things.

Since when do these three live together?

Abed's obsession with Greendale doesn't make him crazy.

If you had gone to school there, you'd be obsessed too.

It was a messed-up place. We had lockers.

Yeah. We're survivors.

My name is Pwofussa Wobinswin.

Who's weady to wearn?

Dean, this is not the way to agree on parking for the job fair! It's inhumane.

You have a better idea, Britta?

Yes. Thousands of them.

Vicki to queen 3.

Neigh.

That's all for today. Read chapter four.

Okay, we're just gonna ignore that.

Bananas? Yes.

Toast? Yes.

Bubble gum? Yes.

Pancakes? Yes.

Fries? Get out.

Get out.

There's one every year. I will not tolerate clowning.

Car keys? Yes.

Okay, last bathroom break. We've got to cram for...

Excuse me, sir, can we get to our...

Slow your bones, Rufus.

We got a long road tomorrow.

Welcome...

To Ladders.

Interesting.

Eh.

Just wanted to see if we got the same thing.

It sounds as though this Greendale had quite an effect on all of you.

You should all definitely stop dwelling on it if you want to be healthy.

Well, come on, it wasn't all bad.

I was there longer than anybody, and I'm fine.

How are you?

Why do you ask? 3:30.

Uh-oh.

What Pierce was saying before he started sundowning is true.

We can't just pass the crazy buck to Greendale.

It could be a good place too.

That really doesn't matter.

We have a lot of memories of Greendale being in our corner.

Dean-a-ling.

I wanted to tell you we ought to be hot-stepping it out to the parking lot in a brisk, but orderly fashion.

Is there a fire drill? No, sir, there's an actual fire.

I wanted you to be the first to know before I tell.

I know. It's not right to play favorites, but it's not right to sit on your feelings, and I don't know what I'd do without you. Whoa. Okay.

Fire, fire! There's a fire!

Darcy, you've got a cold.

I feel fine. You're sick. Go home!

Get out of here. Get out of here.

Get out of here. Get out of here!

I can't believe we got here too late for pizza.

Worst pizza day ever.

Oh, darn it. What am I gonna do with all this garbage?

Psst, it's me, the dean.

I pulled the last six pieces of pizza for you.

Oh.

Back to garbage detail.

We have a few students with birthdays today, but, hey, why single them out?

What about the students who aren't celebrating anything at all?

Are they any less special?

♪ Troy and Jeffrey

♪ And Annie and Britta

♪ And Shirley and Pierce

♪ And Abed and Jeffrey

♪ Just a few of the most special students in the world ♪

Damn it. Out of slugs.

Next time, I'll put you square, you pickle-sucking McGillycuddy.

Why did you save me, Dean?

I know how important paintball is to you, Abed.

I wanted you to win.

It's not important anymore. I get it now.

It just feels forced.

You just enjoy your prize.

Free tickets to...

To see Chicago at the Greendale Civic Center...

With George Wendt and...

Stefanie Powers.

Lame!

Okay. That was great, but you really didn't need to go into it.

You know what occurs to me?

What all those great Greendale memories have in common?

I was barely in them? They were all about Dean Pelton.

That's what I've been trying to make you understand.

We weren't expelled by the real dean.

It couldn't have been him. He loved us.

Maybe we've been so concerned with moving past Greendale, we've been living in denial.

It's true. I mean, let's face it.

We weren't driven crazy by Greendale.

And Abed's not the crazy one for obsessing about it.

Abed, we're sorry. We haven't been supporting you, and we haven't been honest with ourselves.

Dr. Heidi, something weird is going on with that school.

Abed doesn't need to be here.

We need to be there.

But there is no there.

That's the problem. That's why we have to go back.

No, you can't go back to Greendale.

Why? Because it isn't healthy?

'Cause it doesn't exist.

I parked by a meter.

Any of y'all park by a meter?

Wait, what?

What do you mean, Greendale doesn't exist?

There is a place called Greendale, and you all spent three years there, but it was not a community college.

These memories that you people have been sharing are a shared psychosis.

You were patients there together, you were released together, and I am alarmed to see that you are now relapsing together.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

This is not real. You're lying.

Search your mind for the real memories.

Try to look past the trauma you've been blocking out.

What trauma?

You all came to this community college after your lives had fractured.

Pill addiction, failed legal career, broken marriage, lost scholarship, old...

Enough! I don't want to hear mine.

And if we were going to fabricate a delusion, why would we fabricate a community college?

Ah, yes, this fantastical community college where everything that happens is unbelievably ridiculous and it all revolves around you as a group.

The same reason anyone plunges into psychosis, Miss Perry.

It was a mentally-compatible alternative to your grim reality.

Can you believe the secret trampoline we found?

I know. It's so great.

For Greendale!

Charge!

Come on, Leonard.

Yow! Ooh!

♪ Baby Boomer Santa

♪ Thank you for everything

♪ You're welcome, you're welcome

♪ For everything in the world Terry, stop it. ♪ You're welcome, hey ♪ Let's do a clip show. Bottle episode.

Don't forget the clip show. Harrison Ford.

Remember when we went camping? Remember we painted the nursery?

Remember when we remembered going camping while in the nursery?

I'm a millionaire, I'm an inventor, I'm a legend, and I had sex with Eartha Kitt.

It's sad.

Should we increase their lithium?

Not yet.

I want to see what happens if we confiscate one of their pens.

It's not possible.

Mmm. You say you started as a Spanish study group.

Do any of you speak Spanish?

You've attended Greendale for three years, but don't community colleges end after two?

Everyone's always saying that.

The average community college student attends school five to seven years. Many offer four-year degrees.

In your mind, they do. In your mind.

And you shared this delusion with each other, like that time those people got into swing dance music back in the '90s.

And then you were released, probably because your insurance ran out.

But the official story is that you're now fit to live within society again.

You just have to accept the truth.

Wait.

Give me a break.

That made no sense.

Yeah, it's me.

No, I think they bought it.

I had to do a little riffing at the end, but I was pretty convincing.

Well, if it looks like I'm sneaking out the window, it's just a symptom of your deepening psychosis.

Don't hurt me. Greendale doesn't exist?

How long did you think we'd buy that?

I'm literally carrying a Greendale backpack.

I have 1,000 pictures of the campus.

I have children I see every day. I have not been locked up.

Get him.

Why would you lie to make us think we were crazy?

Because, Ms. Edison, Greendale is purgatory, and I am the devil.

What? I knew it.

Stop letting him make you realize stuff.

These aren't even good lies.

I had to come up with something. You were getting too close.

Close to what? To the truth.

The Indian kid was right.

He's Arabic. Also Polish.

I'm a fake psychiatrist, not a fake ethnologist.

The point is your dean was kidnapped by Ben Chang and replaced with a double.

I was hired to keep you off the scent.

Chang kidnapped the dean?

Even for him, that's insane.

Is it? Think about it.

Whoo! I said hot damn!

Chang?

What are you doing?

I'm predicting future crimes.

Now I'm sick.

See, you said that would happen.

You are a pre-cog!

Again.

You're weak.

Uh, guys, while we were remembering Chang is crazy, the fake doctor sneaked away.

Oh, crap! What?

There goes our chance of clearing our names.

Guys, forget about us. The dean has been kidnapped.

He's out there somewhere, alone and cold and likely trying to cobble together a sexy Patty Hearst costume.

Britta's right. Wait, what?

We need to rescue the dean.

We need to get back to that school.

We never need to do another paintball.

See, therapy does work.

We're cured. Aw. Aw.

Sounds like the study group has gotten wise to Operation Doppel-deaner.

It's time for Phase Two. What's Phase Two?

Hey, I'm making up the same plan you are.

Pitches, pitches, pitches.

Ah, thank you, Megan.

♪ Troy and Abed in the morning ♪ Nights.

Welcome back, all you night owls.

Why don't we open the phone lines?

Talk to us, lonely hearts. We got Jeff W. calling.

Hello?

Hey, Jeff, what's your question? Who is this?

Great question. We're us.

You guys, it's 3 in the morning.

I'm trying to sleep. I'm sorry to hear that, Jeff.

Stay on the line. We'll get your information.

We'll get you the help you need.

Our next caller's Annie E. What's on your mind, Annie?

Hey, guys, long time, first time, love the show.

Aw, appreciate ya. How can we help?

You can shut up and go to sleep.

Well, that's all the time we have.

Until next time, may your dreams be sweet and your nightmares be "spooky monster" scary and not "grandma died" scary.

♪ Troy and Abed in the morning ♪ Nights.