Community S3E2 Script

Geography of Global Conflict (2011)

By the end of World War II, President Roosevelt's body finally succumbed to the polio that afflicted him his entire life.

Which brings me to the Yalta Conference.

Who can tell me three key points brought up there? Annie.

The demilitarization of Germany...

I'm sorry. Annie Kim.

Demilitarization of Germany, establishment of Poland's borders, and formation of the United Nations.

Side note, the results of Yalta would later set the stage for the Cold War.

Oh, boy, spoiler alert.

Somebody just won a ride in the wheelchair.

I'm proud of you for deciding on a major.

I'd think the Lord heard my prayers, but you still dress like a streetwalker.

Yep, I'm getting serious.

I got a backpack, a new notebook.

I got one of those yellow pens so I can do that thing where you color in words.

Highlight? Probably the backpack.

Free the Damascus Three. Oh, thanks. Oh. Whoa!

I know this girl.

We used to protest together.

Now she's locked up in Syria. Oh, that's terrible.

Yes, it's terrible.

She's imprisoned by an oppressive regime halfway around the world and I'm, what, in college?

Where are my values?

Man, she's got a Facebook group?

My first cop flashlight.

Can't wait to get some brains on this bad boy.

Are you safe, ma'am? Everything okay?

Is this guy bothering you? Huh?

Who the hell do you think you are?

Badge says "To serve and protect."

No, it doesn't. "How's my smile?"

Oh, man. What the hell am I in charge of?

See this garbage can?

Students bump into it.

You can serve and protect them from a boo-boo.

What do I do if I see a crime?

What a security guard does.

Call a cop.

Where did you even get these?

Let me keep them. No.

I swear they're just for sex!

♪ Give me some more Time in a dream ♪

♪ Give me the hope To run out of steam ♪

♪ Somebody said It can be here ♪

♪ We could be roped up Tied up dead in a year ♪

♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay ♪

♪ One by one they all Just fade away ♪

And this ragtag group of cutups is my study group.

Gang, this is Annie Kim from my Poli-Sci class.

We had the same GPA in high school.

Mine was higher if you consider my school's ranking.

You had a lighter course load.

I was in a lot of clubs. I founded 17.

I was thinking about founding a Model UN at Greendale.

I'll probably be busy.

You probably need to study, so see you in class.

Okay, bye.

Wow, Annie, how progressive of you to have a multicultural evil twin.

An Asian Annie. Obama's America.

Her name is Annie Kim.

And she's not evil, she's my friend.

Didn't look like it. You seemed competitive.

Be careful, Annie, they are ruthless.

What? What?

What? Not Asians. Women.

I'm not competing with her. I find her adorable.

She's like a younger me.

The you that took so much Adderall she tried to straighten the lines on our football field during a game?

Careful. You don't want this girl to suck you back to the dark side.

Guys, what are you trying to do? This is our Annie.

That little twerp is a can of Annie Lite.

She couldn't hold a candle to the real thing in any category of anything.

I wasn't fishing for that. You're the best, kiddo.

You know what else was the best? The rain forests.

Too bad the fascist oligarchies are raping them to make hamburgers. Look it up.

Someone woke up on the regular side of the bed.

Britta's just having a rough time because her friend's in prison.

I went to her Facebook page.

It says she was tear-gassed and possibly beaten.

I haven't been tear-gassed in so long.

Well, you're on a new path now.

Oh, goody, a new path.

Is it lined with credit cards and flat-screen TVs?

Does it go by an Ikea?

Maybe I don't want a new path. Or any path.

Maybe my path is a war path that leads to the Terrordome, N-words.

Okay, maybe I went too far.

Maybe I don't wanna offend my African-American friends, but the larger point is maybe I'm not done raging against the machine!

Raging against what? Sounds dangerous.

Don't worry, she'll be bad at it.

Keep clear of the can.

Sir, step around the can.

Mind the can, student.

♪ Hello ♪

♪ Is it me You're looking for? ♪

♪ I can see it in your eyes ♪ You got yourself a warning. I piss warnings, pig.

♪ You're all I've ever wanted ♪

♪ And my arms are open wide ♪

♪ 'Cause you know Just what to say ♪

And that's how we do that.

Hey.

I got my eye on you, missy.

Uh! Oh.

Sorry. Hi.

You okay, kiddo?

Yeah. You know what's funny?

Remember little Annie Kim, from Poli-Sci?

Boy, she just took my Model UN idea and just...

Pfft! She is quite the little go-getter.

Wait, what? She stole your idea?

Sneak attack. That's just like...

Not women. Asians.

The real important thing is that there is a Model UN.

It doesn't really matter who starts it.

It just means her name goes on some charter and she gets to put it on her résumé.

And lead the Greendale team to the National Model UN.

Meet Kofi Annan, Boutros Boutros-Ghali and Will.i.am.

Boutros Boutros-Ghali?

I'm gonna find this brat's off switch.

Jeff. He's just being protective, I'll stop him.

I am so excited that we finally have a Model UN here at Greendale.

I am really, really, really into Model UNs.

They used to call me Model UN Guy back in college.

Well, that's not... Don't research that.

The important thing here is that I am really...

Pardon me, Professor Cligoris.

Cligoris? Either pronunciation is fine.

Here for the Model UN? I'm here to tell you that the entire idea to have a Model UN was hers.

Really? So you're Clark M. Eichelberger?

So I've had your photo around my neck since high school?

I'm talking about the Greendale Model UN.

My Annie gave this other Annie the idea and the diabolical busybody stabbed her in the back.

It's childish.

Honestly, I'm just happy there is a Model UN.

Annie, is this true?

I recall other Annie mentioning the concept, but she didn't take the initiative to find a faculty adviser.

I didn't know you had to call dibs.

I'm not calling dibs, because I'm not a child that steals ideas.

I refuse to acknowledge the authority of your criminal Model UN.

So don't recognize it. It still exists.

Well, then Annie will just start her own Model UN.

Yeah, for grown-ups. I still don't recognize it.

It exists, baby.

I don't understand your relationship.

Is he your father or your lover? Whoa, whoa, whoa.

There can only be one Model UN that represents this school, so let's take our foot off the crazy pedal.

Only one way to settle this.

A head-to-head Model UN battle royale, the rules to which I would have to spend the evening devising.

A competition tomorrow in the cafeteria at 7 p.m.

May the most united nations win.

Fair enough. Totally fair.

I'll see you in the fair papers, other Annie.

Oh, and you were asking what our relationship is?

We're friends. Yeah.

Good friends. Grown-up friends.

Just friends. I'm friendly.

So the key to winning this thing is, when in doubt, agree with Annie.

That's sweet. Everyone should just have fun.

Then again, what's more fun than winning?

Absolutely. Pierce?

I'm offended you'd single me out.

Did you read your info packet? Yes.

Somalia has 1900 miles of coastline, a government that knows its place and all the guns and wives you can afford.

Why have I not heard of this paradise before?

I studied up on my country.

Is it okay if we do accents, sugar?

Troy, Georgia the country, not the state.

That's right, capital city, Tbilisi, and former member of the Soviet Union and we kindly request y'all mind your P's and Q's.

Welcome to the world's first-ever Model UN-off.

You will each be scored on your UN's ability to pass resolutions, follow procedure and maintain order.

The end goal, of course, total world peace.

Any questions?

Does two UNs mean there are two Earths?

Uh, yeah, sure. Two Earths.

Parallel Earths in different galaxies or identical Earths in parallel dimensions?

The latter. What does that say about free will?

Abed. Professor. Yeah, let's begin.

Ready, set, peace.

Crisis alert. A civil war has broken out in Ethiopia.

Rebel forces have seized the grain supply, creating a humanitarian disaster.

Okay, cool heads, everyone.

America proposes a UN peacekeeping force of 10,000 troops.

Uruguay agrees. Oh, China too.

Georgia, the country, is much obliged.

Refugees. Who can take refugees?

The great country of Somalia, this gem, this Shangri-Ia, graciously invites the Ethiopian refugees to enjoy safe lodging and cool ocean breezes on the sand-swept beaches. Okay, we're rolling.

Switzerland proposes a summit. Good idea.

Maybe at the summit we can discuss a portal to Earth Two.

Can we put a pin in that? Can't ignore it forever.

Ooh! China has money. Does anybody want some?

Yes, United States proposes using China's money to fund agricultural programs to support Ethiopia's sustainable farms, which should promote economic development and security.

All in favor?

It's unanimous. Good resolving.

You covered all the bases. We have a unanimous decision.

After one round, we are tied.

Looks like both UNs are experts at fostering unity.

Crap. Damn it.

Crisis alert. Russia...

This is what the United Nations is doing to your freedom.

I'm your freedom, and I'm in a cage with the world, because of them.

Thought I'd find you here.

What are you gonna do, lock me up?

Give me a reason. I'll give you a reason.

Whoa! Argh! Aah!

That's it, you're coming with me.

♪ Hello ♪

♪ Is it me You're looking for? ♪ He's pulling my cage.

I'm being pulled in my cage for no reason.

Is anybody seeing this?

Are we Facebooking this?

Crisis alert. A tsunami has hit Vietnam.

Flooding has left thousands homeless. Crisis alert!

Tuberculosis outbreak.

Humanitarian aid. We resolve... Disarmament treaty.

To help women and children...

To save the orphans.

Loose nukes. Sinkhole. North Korea.

The prime minister in exile. Military coup.

The tropical paradise of Somalia yields.

China will pay. Gooder than grits.

Switzerland is concerned about Earth Two. Uruguay agrees.

Uruguay sounds like Ur-a-gay. Uruguay kindly requests Somalia stop pronouncing it Ur-a-gay.

Hereditary monarchy! Resolved.

Corruption! Resolved.

Crisis alert!

Resolved.

Looking good, Blue UN.

Getting very close to world peace.

That's my girl. You are kicking ass.

All right, guys, this is the homestretch.

All we gotta do is focus.

Whoo! Damn, Pierce. Ooh. That wasn't me.

I don't smell anything. I just got it.

Oh, it's in my mouth.

Guys, come on, focus. Like adults.

We're gonna lose a point if we don't get through this.

Get through it? It's almost a solid.

Crisis alert! A genocidal dictator in Laos...

Yeah, yeah, we'll get to that. Ooh!

Okay, so, Turkey, what can you do?

So let me get this straight. You're bringing her in here for making a mess?

I did more than make a mess.

I turned your whole system inside out.

I shut her down.

You spilled paint on a globe.

You're as much a criminal as this idiot is a cop.

None whatsoever.

Okay, but she's going to do something illegal, aren't you?

Is that true?

Do you, Britta Perry, have any intentions of breaking any laws, ever?

Uh...

Oh, my God. No, it's not that simple.

I have a life now.

I have a major and... Get out, please.

I have highlighters.

Get out!

Okay, I know you got a lot on your mind right now, but somebody broke the thing that comes down from the parking booth.

The thing that comes down, keeps the cars from coming in.

The thing. It's like a gate, but it's just a stick.

It comes down, on a hinge.

Keeps the cars out. It goes up and down 90 degrees.

The arm?

Another point goes to the red team.

How is this still happening?

I can't remember what regular air smells like.

Do something. We're gonna lose.

Guys, this is important to Annie.

So whoever actually died a few months ago, 'fess up so we can put a stake through your heart.

Ha, ha, ha. Jeff!

I think the lesson here is that a Model UN, like the real UN, falls apart when faced with actual...

No!

I think the lesson here is that I need to win this!

I wanna win!

And you, you suck!

You're a stupid, ugly poop-face and I'm better than you!

Annie, stop.

You're acting like a little schoolgirl, and not in a hot way.

Okay, that made me sound creepy.

But here's the thing...

Don't look at me.

If embarrassment were bountiful zinc deposits, I'd be Zambia.

There's nothing to be Zambia about, Annie.

This is all my fault.

I pushed you into competing with other Annie.

Are you kidding me?

I practically ran to you with that flyer.

I wanted to destroy her, all because I can't handle the thought of anyone getting more gold stars than me.

I'm such a child.

You're not.

When you really hate someone the way you hate Annie Kim, or when you feel the way I feel about you, the easy loophole through the creepiness and danger is to treat them like a child.

"Chip off the old block. You're the best, kiddo."

It's a crutch. It's a way for me to tell you how important you are, from a distance.

But now you're becoming this mature, intelligent young woman and I can't keep patting you on the head or talking down to you.

But I like how close we are.

I don't wanna grow up if it means losing what we have.

Well, tough, Annie.

You have to grow up because the world needs more women like you.

We can't keep doing this forever, kiddo.

Can't we?

Nope, I can't. No. No. No, that's gross. I feel gross.

I'd better go check on the group, if they haven't left.

I'll follow you. From a respectable distance.

Guys, I'm sorry I put you through that.

And I know it doesn't make up for what happened, but would it help if I said I farted?

Annie, no. I can't let you fall on that sword because I farted.

No. I farted.

I farted.

I wasn't doing the Spartacus thing.

I farted. No, seriously...

We all farted. Oh, you guys.

I'm farting now. Wait, why are you still here?

Abed may have figured out a way we can still win.

Really? How? It's simple. First we...

And then I go... You circle around...

Abed, what did I tell you? You can't just mumble nonsense.

No one's cutting away. Here's my actual plan.

Aah! Aah!

What is that? It's from Britta.

She's promising to disrupt the Model UN.

She says she's gonna cause a disruption that, while not completely illegal, should be of real concern to campus security.

I don't know. Maybe we should call the real cops.

Back in the '80s, I had this real piece-of-work protestor who used to always give me trouble.

You know what happened to her?

She incited a riot at the WTO.

Got choked till she passed out.

By some real cop with a real billy club.

Sometimes I wonder, you know.

Well, what are you waiting for?

Go show that hippie how the world really works.

Are you forgetting something?

All in favor?

Aye.

Could you morons say "aye" any slower? Come on.

Whoa!

Greetings, people of Earth Two. What is this?

We represent the United Nations from Earth One.

Using our Switzerland's Hadron Collider and resources from every nation, the people of our planet have constructed a trans-dimensional gateway here.

They can't do this. The science works out.

Yeah. We come to you with an offer.

We have achieved world peace, tying our score with yours.

But we are willing to concede our victory if you agree conceding yours, forming one, gigantic, united United Nations.

We did it. You're a fool.

Your ultimatum is itself a technical act of aggression.

If we simply refuse to recognize your authority, we still remain ahead and you lose.

But you win a simple game.

The larger, symbolic victory will be ours.

Ooh-Ia-Ia.

We refuse.

I'll take the real victory.

A logical, effective, common-sense move, Annie Kim, one which flies in the very face of the United Nations itself, a fundamentally symbolic organization founded on the principles of high-minded rhetoric and empty gestures.

Blue UN wins.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

What the hell are you doing? Nothing.

And you can't do anything to stop me.

Did someone say, "Can't do anything"?

♪ Hello ♪

♪ Is it me You're looking for? ♪

♪ I can see it in your eyes ♪

♪ I can see it in your smile ♪

♪ You're all I've ever wanted ♪

♪ And my arms are open wide ♪

♪ 'Cause you know Just what to say ♪

♪ And you know Just what to do ♪ So that's nice. No?

♪ And I want to tell you So much ♪ I knew you'd come.

You're so busted.

♪ I love you ♪

Yes.

Shit.

I told you to stop playing Operation on me!

I'm not your damn board game!

At least you didn't get my spare ribs.