Community S3E20 Script

Digital Estate Planning (2012)

Pierce, you made us all drive out to a warehouse.

At least tell us why. I know as much as you.

I got a letter from the executor of my father's estate.

Said come with seven friends. You brought six.

Who else was he gonna bring? LeVar Burton.

Mr. Hawthorne. Oh!

I apologize. Gilbert. Even from the grave, my father's got you by the short and curly, salt and pepperies.

My name is Gilbert Lawson.

I was Cornelius Hawthorne's assistant for over 30 years.

Before that, I was a teenager who read the Bible to him in the bath.

Ew. It's inheritance time.

How about that check, soul brother?

Your father did leave something, but it's more of an activity.

Thank you for keeping it creepy as possible.

Looks like a gaming interface. I've heard enough.

Oh, that diabolical old fossil face.

I asked him for money to invest in video games back in 1979.

Cornelius spent 30 years developing a video game for you.

It was his dying wish you and your friends would play it.

LeVar Burton was a maybe.

So, please, choose a seat. Cool.

A 100-year-old man designed a 30-year-old video game?

This I've got to see. Once seated, a photograph will be taken and an avatar made from your likeness.

I didn't bring my likeness.

Don't smile.

All right, everyone, let's begin.


Nice. Old-school. Cool. Cool. Cool.

Which one is me? I assume nothing because I'm not racist.

Oh, we're adorable.

Why take photos if it was gonna fabricate random body shapes?

That's what I'm saying. My hair looks good though.

Orange button is jump. Yeah.

Whee!

Which guy am I?

There's a door here.

Peace. Love. What's that?

I think it's a hippie. Peace. Love.

Aw. Stop "awing" everything.

Don't be jaded. He's saying "peace."

Hello. Sex.

Did he say "sex"? Drugs. Sex.

Oh, my God. Hold on, I'm coming.

Dart. Shoot. Dang it. Oh! Ow! Hey!

You just murdered Annie. Better than nothing.

I'm not sure. That's debatable.

Help me. The way you helped Annie?

Sex. Hang back, study their tactics.

What? Oh, my God! Group sex.

Oh, cool, I'm alive.

Pierce? This game makes no sense.

What happened? I don't wanna talk about it.

Pierce, point the joystick right.

I'm supposed to just guess that? Where are the instructions?

Love, love.

Got them. Got them. Take that. We rule.

You guys are alive. You re-spawn in the study room.

Here, I'll show you. Hey!

Shame on you.

"Hang back, study their tactics"?

Let him get it out of his system.

Forget it. Let's just keep moving.

Now what?

Welcome to Hawkthorne.

That's Dad's voice. Dad?

Piercinald, in 1980, you said that video games, not moist towelettes, were the business of the future.

Today, moist towelettes are stocked in every supermarket while arcade after arcade closes.

He's got a point. Nevertheless, I designed this game to be played upon my death by you and whatever cabal of sluts you call your friends.

Her name is Britta. Only one player can win.

The first to reach my throne inside Castle Hawkthorne.

Their reward, Pierce, will be your inheritance.

What? Inheritance?

So you see, Pierce, you were right.

Video games are important. Ha, ha, ha.

Worst son ever!

Great. How do I fight you guys? Which button fights?

Pierce, stop. Oh, God. Pierce, relax.

Pierce, stay in the game. Pierce, calm down.

Nobody's gonna fight you. Why not?

When you're friends with someone for three years it's weird to steal their money.

There's wouldn't be sport in beating you.

You suck. You're playing the game wrong.

Aah! Why is Harry Belafonte here?

Gilbert. You're not to cooperate, you compete.

Thanks for the advice, but we can choose how we wanna play.

I suppose we can. Is he being ominous?

Why are you being ominous?

We can pick stuff up?

This game is more complex than you can imagine.

Aside from its programmers, who have been deported to China, I know how it works. Aah!

Run. Run. Get out of here.

He's got knives. Jump.

That's not nice. Aah!

Wait. How do you...?

He's a psychopath. He's suffo...

Look, I know it sucked being Colonel Sanders' manservant, but Pierce is our friend and we're not gonna watch you screw him over.

You should be asking how you intend to stop me.

How about if we come over and kick your ass?

Go get him, Troy.

Be my guest, but 30 seconds after you leave your chairs the weight sensors will recognize an automatic forfeit.

Weight sensors? Weight sensors?

That's it. Let's get that jag. Let's get him.

Kick that hippie's ass. Take that.

Let's go. Move, move, move.

I think he left a note. What?

"After you've squandered your savings, I'll watch you writhe through a telescope in the penthouse of Hawthorne Tower."

You can leave notes. This game is incredible.

Pierce?

No, Pierce. No. We need you.

Just let me die.

So Gilbert knows a couple tricks, big deal.

We outnumber him.

Most importantly, while he's fighting for greed, we're fighting for friendship, which means we can't lose, okay?

Okay. Okay.

I guess there's no hug button.

Everybody keep Pierce protected.

We have to get to the throne of Hawkthorne before Gilbert.

Don't forget, when you die, you go all the way back to the study room. So don't die.

Good pep talk, Jeff.

I love dying, but that speech turned me around.

Whatever.

What's that? Kill it.

It's a girl milking a cow. I'll check it out. I owe Jeff.

I wasn't gonna say it.

I am Hilda. I live in the village.

Lesbian. Shh.

I can help with that. I have information on many topics.

Cool.

The throne is in Castle Hawkthorne, north of here.

You unlock the castle with the white crystal of discipline, which you must free from the black caverns.

I'm picking up on hidden symbolism.

Right, white crystal. You think Dad was into meth?

You can get supplies in a town like this.

Why can't my mom be here?

She said my video-game knowledge would come in handy.

I never believed her. Everybody take a hut.

Our only chance beating Gilbert is to cover more ground.

I have information on the following topics.

Holy crap. Where have you been my whole life?

I buy and sell weapons and armor.

Cool. We need weapons.

Well, what's free? Can we have a torch?

Thief. Thief. Annie, put it back.

Sorry. Sorry.

Sorry, sorry, sorry!

What are you doing? It was an accident!

He's dying! Okay, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Now what are you doing? He was suffering!

Yeah, from ax wounds.

If this isn't worth points, what is?

You're asking me? I'm still looking for a pong paddle.

Let's play poker. Oh, now we're talking.

Check the desk. I'll check the dresser.

How do I straighten that painting?

Can't. Stop playing like a girl.

Stop playing like a girl?

Here's the thing about women, Jeff.

We don't hack and slash our way through life because we're one with life.

Help me hide the body. Oh, my Lord. Oh, my Lord.

These things happen in video games.

They do? Yes.

We can't get hung up on morality.

We need to survive and win.

Hello, I'm the blacksmith's wife.

Help! Help! Oh, crap.

Guard the door. What?

Shirley.

No witnesses. Grab everything.

I'll check for more family. Don't give me that look.

These are your loose ends. I'm tying them up.

This is so cool.

Where are your clothes? Pierce taught me poker.

I'm not good at it. You still talking to this girl?

Yeah. She only has three moods you activate with stimulus.

I've never felt this way before. Don't get weird.

She's not ready for anything serious, but wants me to meet her family.

My father is the blacksmith.

Hello. Everybody go shopping?

That's all we did.

Is that hut on fire?

Oh, my, what an unexplained tragedy.

Don't we look comfy at a cauldron.

Check it out.

Ooh. I'll put all this in here, then that, then I'll hit this.

What is it? I assume a strength potion.

I assume it's poison. You're jealous because we found a world where I know what I'm doing.

This place is 20 cat turds from being your apartment.

No! No! What's with the St. Pauli Girl?

Hilda's parents lived there. Now she has no family.

She'll be forced to marry a male villager or take her chances in the wilderness.

What kind of game is this? Oh, crap, it's Gilbert.

Well, well, well. Looks like someone's one step behind.

If you're looking for equipment, tough luck.

The store was lost in a freak accident.

I hardly need equipment. While you were shopping, I gained enough levels to do this.

He's shooting lightning! I'm naked!

Get behind us. We have armor.

No! No!

Oh, great. Gilbert. Unh!

Oh, great. Evil-Jedi-lightning Gilbert.

Argh! Oh!

Britta, drink that super strength potion you made.

Oh, right. Hurry up.

I'm trying. Aah!

Damn. Thought we could count on Britta to not screw up drinking.

This will be fun.

What the hell?

Here's hoping we can count on her to screw up making potions.

Yeah! All right!

Unbelievable. Jeff bet all our lives on Britta and won, and I lost my pants to a pair of nines.

Very well.

Let's play.

Abed, are you sure about this?

Yeah. It just feels like the right thing to do.

Hey, I made it back.

You guys never died. How did you beat Gilbert?

Oh, you know, teamwork.

We were headed for the black caves.

We were saying goodbye to Abed.

I'm gonna stay here with Hilda and help.

Abed, she's a program.

People said similar things about me.

He's playing the Rain Man card.

Let's bounce, I've got an inheritance to win.

Offensive. Called it. Shut up, Britta.

You did great in there, Jeff. Shut up, Pierce.

Okay, duck. Stay ducked.

Okay, unduck. Okay, now jump.

I think we're almost there.

Thank God. This cave is the worst.

I don't know what's more offensive, the actual racism or the insulting notion it might somehow rub off on us.

Jive turkeys! Kill them before they start multiplying.

Gobble that. Ha!

Yeah, suck on this. Take that, jive turkey!

Gobble, gobble, gobble.

All right, the white crystal.

Whoo! Yeah, we did it.

I'll take it. I've earned it by having friends.

This is it. It certainly is.

Oh, man. You again?

I'll have that crystal. Have this.

Ah! Oops.

Arrows.

What? Come on.

Where'd you get that stuff? You've been alive for an hour.

That was not fair. What the hell?

You're cheating, which I have no problem with, but getting caught, that's not cool.

Don't be a knob. That inheritance is rightfully mine.

Rightfully? I'm his son.

So am I.

Oh... What? That can't be true.

Player forfeit in 15 seconds.

You're half white. Nice save.

Do you remember your childhood nanny, Etta?

Etta had a hot cousin.

Player forfeit in 10 seconds. My mother. So you see, Pierce, I am your half-brother.

And I am more your father's son than you ever were.

So shut up and play the game.

Why you... Let's go, Pierce.

I know things seem hopeless because he's all the way to the castle with the crystal and we're starting over.

But here's the thing, we're better at this game now.

We've died and been reborn, and that makes us heroes.

Yeah! Let's get him! Charge!

The fact we're still playing means he hasn't won yet.

What's the point? He'll just keep cheating until he wins.

Why are all the trees cut down?

Isn't this where Abed's village was?

Hello, old friends. Abed.

You remember Hilda. I live in the village.

I love Abed. Did she just say your name?

Max out a character's trust and affection, you can gain access to a scripting language. Watch.

Cool, cool, cool. She can make babies for me.

Oh, and I can't? I can't.

Come inside. I built this.

Check out my castle. Nice.

I hope this isn't blood gold.

This is my family. Baby Abed has my eyes and her bonnet.

Each baby is capable of executing custom code.

You can write a code that makes one tell another what to do.

Much like real children. But...

Let's find the tin man's heart later.

How much stuff do you have and what can we make with it?

That depends. On?

Cool, cool, cool. On what you can imagine.

Welcome. You are the first to make it to the Throne of Hawkthorne.

Let me take a look at you. According to your complexion, I think you might be Gilbert Lawson.

Is this true?

Just a moment. Hello, Gilbert.

Due to the nature of our relationship I'll need your signature on this legally-binding agreement.

It dictates that you will never besmirch the Hawthorne name with any outlandish notions regarding your origins.

You are the bastard offspring of a colored seductress and an unknown, weak-willed miscegenist, and any assertion on your part to the contrary will be grounds for the seizure of this inheritance.

Do you agree?

It's a simple question, Gilbert.

Do you agree?

Thank you for being honest, Gilbert. Goodbye.

No!

I'm your son!

I'm sorry, Gilbert.

I always knew you'd disappoint me.

Cool, cool, cool.

Ah, I see you've chosen teamwork.

A coward's strategy.

I will upgrade your challenge accordingly.

I bequeath my fortune to no inferiors.

Yeah. Attack.

What's this now? Ha, ha, ha.

Whoo! Here we go. Get him.

Aim for the joints.

Cool, cool, cool. Get him.

Die, racism.

♪ Troy and Abed Shooting lava ♪ Yeah.

Cool, cool, cool.

Take that! Ha, ha, ha.

Look out! Aah! Ha, ha, ha!

Hey!

Look at me now, Dad!

I suppose you're wondering, player, why record myself breathing weird and letting you destroy me.

Because I am a man of honor.

So you've earned the pleasure of my death.

But I didn't. I'm not the one that beat you.

Yes, you are.

We're forfeiting.

Warning, player forfeit in 30 seconds.

Gilbert, you're right. You were more his son than me.

You took all his crap and didn't even get to take his name.

He once sat on me in Church just so he could see better.

We've only been playing a couple of hours.

You've been playing it your whole life.

Now it's time for your reward, brother.

Player forfeit in 10 seconds. Get in there and kill our dad.

Thank you, Pierce.

Wait a second. Here, take this. Whoa!

You may need it. Oh, Pierce.

You really don't know how this works, do you?

Are you always carrying that? Not in the shower.

I'd like to thank you again for today and offer my apologies for my conduct.

I wasn't myself. Family can make a person do crazy things.

I understand. I have an uncle who makes his own pizza.

Don't worry about it. If it would make it up to you, there's a bar in town called Skeepers, and I hear they make a specialty drink, a margarita, in fact, and it's served in a glass an entire yard long.

My treat. Score.

This is the greatest day of my life.

I've always wanted to have a brother.

Heh, heh, heh. Hey, hey, settle a bet.

The word "mulatto," is it okay or just borderline?

We apologize for him. That's okay. He's family.

Hilda, my love, I said I'd come back for you.

In a parallel universe, Blorgons are...

Hold on. A baby.

I wasn't expecting this. Guess we'll have to support it.

I could get a job at Beans and More. Work double shifts, but...

I see. While you're climbing the ladder at Beans and More, I'll raise him alone. That's fine.

I'll give up on my dreams. Here we go.

What? He needs to learn a strong man can cry.

Cool, cool, cool. What about Blorgons?

Blorgons in this other universe are actually called Glorbons.