Community S3E6 Script

Advanced Gay (2011)

Damn it!

Put the teethy wrench on the square thing and jiggle it left.

Thanks. By the way, that square thing is a Hampton bolt and a Manacheck maneuver.

Hey. Hey, I'm just here for the Tater Tots.

Wait. Look, I know you think you made your mind up about plumbing, and I respect that.

But come to the third floor men's room tomorrow after 3.

Unclog one toilet and tell me you don't feel something, and I'll never bring it up again.

All right. One toilet.

If it will get you off my back.

Abed, look.

Cool. Stonehenge.

Have him sign it.

Excuse me.

Are you Pierce Hawthorne of Hawthorne Wipes?

At your cervix.

Sorry, I thought you were a lady.

You can use that cervix line if you want.

I told you it was him. Mind signing this?

He's a big fan.

♪ I got a pocket full Of Hawthornes ♪

♪ Pocket full of Hawthornes ♪♪ Okay, Randall, power down.

What was that about?

Fans of the product.

In the wipes business, we call them towel-heads.

You got through a conversation with two gay men without doing this...

Wait. Those guys were...

I assumed they were just brothers or wealthy.

Why do you think they wanted your autograph?

This might be why. ♪ It's Friday night ♪

♪ I'm putting on my highest Heels, my shortest skirt ♪

♪ My best device For concealing my penis ♪

♪ And I got everything I need Ow ♪

♪ I got my body, got my lips ♪

♪ Got a pocket full of Hawthornes ♪

♪ Pocket full of Hawthornes ♪ Oh, my God, Pierce, your moist towelettes are a gay icon.

What do Hawthorne Wipes have to do with the choice to be gay?

Well, according to Wikipedia...

Oh! Oh, my.

Even Bruce Vilanch? Especially Bruce Vilanch.

That is copyright infringement and defamation.

I'm gonna sue the pants off that lady.

I don't think that's a lady. Why do you want his pants off?

Shut up. Only when I thought he was a lady.

You're attracted to him. Only thing I'm attracted to is taking him to court and eating his ass alive.

Ooh... That's not what I meant.

Stop putting gay things in my mouth.

♪ I got a pocket full of Hawthornes ♪

♪ Pocket full of Hawthornes ♪ It's catchy.

♪ Give me some more Time in a dream ♪

♪ Give me the hope To run out of steam ♪

♪ Somebody said It can be here ♪

♪ We could be roped up Tied up dead in a year ♪

♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay ♪

♪ One by one they all Just fade away ♪

I hope Pierce doesn't really sue that lady-man singer.

His life must be hard having to sew pouches in his skirts.

Yes, I'm always nice to the gays.

They defy God, but I'd die before I let a woman touch my hair.

Gay-oh! Hey, what's going on with you bitches?

"Bitches" is gay talk for "friends."

Did you sue Urbana Champaign for his T-shirt?

Not at all, I bought this.

I'm a fan. Also, I'm a gay-rights advocate.

Pierce's positrons have been negatized, creating Anti-Pierce.

Happens on Inspector Spacetime.

Yeah, but Anti-Inspector had a funny mustache and was kind of rape-y.

Don't think his positrons have been negatized.

Exactly what Constable Reggie said.

No, I thought about it, and I decided a man should not be judged by what he does with a man's butt.

Here's the kick. Since that song came out, Hawthorne Wipes sales went up 7 percent.

And it's good. Yep.

Had my own people mock up a design for a new product line.

Hawthorne Pride Wipes.

They may cost more, but they're gayer.

I'm gonna launch these little babies at a big party here at Greendale.

Here's a flyer. Ooh.

"Greendale's first annual gay bash."

Pierce, congratulations on meeting the minimum requirements for open-mindedness.

Yeah, I'm really proud of you. You're growing as a person.

He's not supporting gay people, they're supporting him.

If Mexicans were buying, he'd have ridden in on a donkey.

People earning respect with money is the American way.

Not that my father would've agreed.

It took a federal injunction to get him to sell to the Italians.

I see what's going on. In my psych class, I'm learning about the Edible Complex.

Men have to kill their fathers, so they can do something to their mothers.

I haven't finished the chapter.

What's that complex where you're wrong about everything?

Ha. Sarcasm from the man with the mother of all daddy issues.

Whoa, double diagnosis.

Save some for all those poor real doctors.

What type of cookies do you want?

We have peanut butter or chocolate chip.

Rainbow, bitches.

We can have peanut butter or chocolate chip.

Well? It's pretty great.

Tight seal, good flow.

Kid's pretty handy.

You get the hell out of here!

Go on!

Who was that? You listen to me.

What you have is a gift.

And some people are gonna try to take advantage of that gift.

Promise you'll use it for good. I promise.

Good. Now, come with me to the second floor.

Somebody pooped in the sink.

We actually have a lot in common.

We hate lesbians, we hate baggy pants...

I can't believe you guys are all Bears fans.

Super fans. Randall.

Somebody take a picture. Come on, photo of this.

Okay, let's take a silly one.

Okay, okay. All right.

Piercinald Anastasia Hawthorne.

Father.

We need to talk, boy.

Um...

Gentlemen.

You are here because you have been selected as candidates for the Greendale Air Conditioning Repair School.

But why kidnap you?

Why put a sack over your head and drag you here in the middle of the night?

Why is there an astronaut in the corner making paninis?

Simple, we don't want you to tell anyone about this.

And if you do, we don't want them believing you.

Isn't that right, Black Hitler?

Your initiation begins now, gentlemen.

Hey, guys, I'm looking for Troy.

He said he's fine, but couldn't say where he is.

Do you think he's been kidnapped?

Usually one of the parents, and almost always ends in murder-suicide.

Why are you smiling? I'm smiling?

If you see him, tell him Jerry's looking for him.

Jeff, what're you gonna wear to Pierce's party?

Nothing. Ooh. They'll love that.

Ha, ha. I mean, I'm not going, and I can't believe you're supporting it.

Everybody, this is my father, Cornelius Hawthorne.

Oh. I always assumed your father was dead.

Just mathematically.

Mom liked to pretend that was the case.

These your friends, Pierce? Hello.

Minorities, Jewesses, and the unseasonably tan?

That is inappropriate.

And maybe you'll give that more weight since I'm white.

You've got a wide brow. What are you, Scandinavian?

Yeah, Swedish.

Swedish dogs. Your blood is tainted by generations of race-mixing with Laplanders.

You're basically Finns.

Goodness, he's like the Abed of racism.

Since no one's asking, what's going on with your hair?

Ordinary toupee hair is harvested from heads of the godless Oriental.

Solid ivory is the only way to be assured of true follicular purity while identifying myself as a man of means.

I can excuse racism, but I draw the line at animal cruelty.

You excuse racism? What brings you here?

It's not for your son's party.

Unless "segregationist mummy" is a gay fetish.

Actually, after discussing with my father, the party's off, and we're canceling Pride Wipes.

Stand up straight when talking to the lower classes.

Now, excuse me, I need to go find a half-decent ivory buffer in this two-horse town.

Oh, the party's canceled? I bought a cone bra.

Piercinald, please tell me you did not cancel because of your father.

It's a business decision, Jeff. I took a look at the numbers, had someone explain them, and this is the way we're going.

You said Pierce's idea was dumb. Before it was oppressed by...

A father? A homophobe.

This isn't about fathers.

This is about a long-suffering community with constitutional right to wipe whoever and whatever they want.

If you like gay people so much, why don't you marry them?

This is so Edible.

Britta, you'll make a terrible therapist.

If you need to talk to someone, I don't recommend you.

That how your dad talked to your mom?

That's how he talked to yours.

How does that make you feel? Shut up.

♪ Can you feel it? ♪

♪ Can you feel it? ♪ Jeffrey!

Ah. I was sad when Pierce said he was canceling the party.

I was so happy when you said it was back on.

Yeah, he's busy with his dad, but I knew how much it meant to him.

I throw a pretty gay party, huh?

Yeah, it's great, if you're into that kind of thing.

Time to mingle.

What the hell is this?

Gay bash, courtesy of Hawthorne Wipes.

I canceled this. And I uncanceled it.

My dad's gonna disown me.

Oh, no, you'll be free of him forever.

You'll never have to cower at his voice, or shudder when you see an elephant.

You're welcome, Pierce.

I did what you never had the guts to do.

Britta was right. You resent my father because you've got problems with your own.

Everything you said just sounded like a fog horn.

Then have your big gay party.

I'm out of here.

Pierce, have one drink.

You're gonna wanna see the guest of honor.

Pull the cord, fellas.

Pierce, Pierce, Pierce!

Well, maybe just one drink.

Done.

Mr. Barnes, walk with me.

Mr. Barnes, air-conditioning repair is an elite worldwide family dating back to the very beginnings of civilizations.

Our predecessors were slaves, fanning the pharaohs with palm fronds.

Over time, we became expert at making our superiors comfortable.

We made it our business, and along the way, we learned to make ourselves comfortable.

No more palm fronds, Troy.

Now we are the pharaohs.

Breath print approved.

Feel that?

Actually, I don't feel... Precisely.

Have you heard the expression "room temperature"?

Of course. This is the room.

This is the room temperature room.

I can't tell where the air ends and my skin begins.

It's incredible. That's what we do, Troy.

Incredible, invisible, inbelievable things.

We're an unseen, unknown, unvincible fraternity of craftsmen.

Graduates of this school are guaranteed lucrative employment for their entire lives.

And I'm inviting you to join us.

Will there always be paninis? There is one catch, Troy.

Once you're in, you're in.

Air-conditioning repair will be your life.

A life of secrets you'll be unable to share with outsiders.

You will be an air-conditioning repairman and nothing else until the day you die.

I don't expect you to make a decision now.

Take 24 hours.

Breath print approved. Cool.

I can't feel my pants.

Go, Pierce. Go, Pierce. It's your birthday.

Congratulations. You got Pierce to symbolically kill his father by dancing to club music.

You should be happy about this.

Pierce is becoming more tolerant, and it has nothing to do with his father.

Look at me now, Dad.

Yeah, look at me now, Dad.

Look at me now, Dad.

Look at me now, Dad. Look at me now, Dad.

Where you been? Not allowed to say.

Are you Superman? No.

Would you tell me if you were?

I never understood why he cared who knew.

This is the hottest party we've ever had.

It's pretty dope.

No, I mean, it's dangerously hot.

Our air-conditioning system wasn't built for this gay a party.

I'll take a look.

Tron? What's Tron?

Ooh!

Man, this party's a real sausage fest.

I knew it. Knew what?

Don't play dumb with me.

Did they promise you the life of your dreams?

You can have all that as a plumber too.

Why do you hate them so much? They're elitist.

They make everybody think that they're special.

Because the truth is they're not.

I have a gift. I'm special. I'm not a loser like you.

I'm gonna eat spaceman paninis with Black Hitler and there's nothing you can do about it!

Wow, you seem to be enjoying yourself.

I've gotta say, I don't know why the word "gay" means "dumb."

These guys are all right.

Pierce Hawthorne, get your fine, gay-loving ass up here and say something to your fans. Come on!

If I tell you something, will you keep it a secret?

Secret handshake. Secret.

I said I can't talk to you about what's going on, but I can talk to myself.

Can you pretend to be me?

I like football, but also I don't.

I can't choose between air conditioning and plumbing.

I know, it's so hard, right? Let's ask Abed.

Now you be me.

What should I do?

I don't know, but Harrison Ford might.

Don't get cocky, kid.

This isn't working. Abed, tell me what to do.

Plumbing and air conditioning seem identical.

They're not. They couldn't be more or less identical.

Well, what do you feel like doing?

Honestly, I feel like watching TV with you.

They're making me choose.

If I choose wrong, it could screw up my life.

If you have to, go with whatever makes you the happiest.

They're virtually the same thing.

I think I know what I need to do.

Don't get cocky, kid.

All right, bitches!

I just wanna say this whole thing...

...was a huge mistake.

Uh, Hawthorne Wipes is officially severing its ties to the gay community.

What? Effective immediately, it will return to being a straights-only product.

Fake heart attack.

I taught him everything he knows.

So how long you guys been on the force?

Pierce, what the hell was that?

That... That was my boy.

Standing up for good old Hawthorne values.

All due respect, sir, zero respect for you.

Typical Welsh nonsense. But, Father, I...

Wanna be like this guy? He's wearing elephant bones.

He will be what I tell him to be because I am his father.

Listen up, Colonel Cryptkeeper. I could live a million years and spend every minute doing important things.

At the end of it, I would've only lived half a life if I had not raised a son.

This was a gift handed to you. You squandered it.

You have hatred in your heart because you're trying to fill a hole where your kid was supposed to go. Now it's too late.

Now you're just stomping around trying to prove you exist.

Well, mission accomplished.

But here's a question I'd like to pass on to you from every son of every crap dad that ever lived.

So what?

I'm done with you.

He's done with you.

The world is done with you.

Come on in. He's a Hawthorne. This is what they do.

He's faking.

Pierce, listen, I just wanna say...

Did you know that the Canadian mallard is the only fowl that bites his father's head off?

That is definitely not true. I don't know.

I looked it up on the Wikipedia.

Pierce, um, I just wanna say, you know, sorry for killing your dad.

Don't blame yourself.

He bought a lot of his organs from questionable sources.

Oh, here, he wanted you to have this.

No, Pierce, you should take it.

I'd love it. But terms of his will state that whoever kills him gets to keep it.

I guess I'm up.

"Father, I'll never forget what you said to me

"on my first day of school:

"'Comb your hair, you idiot. You look Greek.'

"I'll never know if that's true, "but I do know that I was too scared to stand up for myself.

"Well, I'm not scared of you anymore because you're dead, "and I'm not.

So I win."

And you can suck it.

Dude just told his dead dad to suck it.

So Edible. You're the worst.

Your 24 hours has expired.

I need an answer, Troy.

Are you ready to join the elite brotherhood who fix air conditioners?

I'm sorry, Vice Dean Laybourne.

But I realize no one's better than anyone else.

I mean, some people are better at sports and there are magicians, but I was put on this earth to do something else.

So you're going to be what?

A plumber?

No, I'm not gonna be a plumber either.

Because they have to deal with poop.

My decision for now is to watch TV with my friend.

You're making a huge mistake.

That may be, sir. But at least it's my mistake.

Doesn't change the fact it's a mistake.

Doesn't it?

No, it doesn't.

Sir, there was a malfunction in the cafeteria last night.

The Amana 5000 had a compound coil fracture.

But it was fixed.

Heh, heh, heh, very funny.

Not even I can fix a compound coil fracture overnight.

But he can.

Constable Reggie. Inspector Spacetime.

This isn't over, Troy Barnes.

It's only just begun.

You know what? I was wrong.

You'll make a very good therapist.

And why is that?

You really nailed Pierce in that whole oedipal thing.

The guy's got serious father issues.

Don't you think you may have some oedipal issues as well?

Not seeing the connection. You literally killed a father.

Yeah, well, not mine, dummy.

Wow.

Hey, Winger. You going home alone?

Gay!

That was close, Constable Reggie.

Those Blorgons had us dead to rights.

What on Beta-Earth do they want from us?

The question's not what they want from us, but when.

Inspector, look out! Blorgons!

Eradicate! Eradicate! Eradicate!

Unh. Pew, pew, pew.

Take that, Blorgon scum.

How old are you guys?

The question isn't how old we are, but when old we are. Ah.

In your face, Blorgon twit.

Pew. Pew, pew, pew.

What's up, girl?

How you living? Pew.