Community S5E2 Script

Introduction to Teaching (2014)

Hi, everybody. I'm Jeff...

...Mr. Winger, and this is Fundamentals of Law.

Any questions? You, Red Hair.

Not gonna learn names. Will there be a syllabus?

"Will there be a syllabus?" Good example of a question. Moving on.

Ski Cap. How are we gonna be graded?

Oh, no spoilers, Ski Cap.

We better do names.

Dave. What percent of our grade will the final be?

Come on, guys, percentages, grades, that syllabus thing...

Are we human beings or just question-and-answer machines?

We're students...

...and you're a teacher.

Yeah.

I'm a teacher.

Did you see that?

That teacher just leered at me.

Hey, look, it's the star of Head of the Ass.

Shut up, Leonard. Nice earring. Like the road manager for the California Raisins.

What kind of teacher talks to a student like that?

Right? Yeah.

Fresh meat, huh?

Yeah, Jeff Winger, Law.

Buzz Hickey, Criminology. You can have that half of the office...

...but come spring, that corner is stacked to the rafters with fetal pigs.

I won't be here that long. This is sort of a temporary gig for me.

I get it. Teaching to make ends meet until a real job comes along, yeah, me too.

Oh, cool. How long have you been...? Fifteen years.

Fifteen years and counting.

"Temporary gig."

Oh, I like you.

♪ Give me some more Time in a dream ♪

♪ Give me the hope To run out of steam ♪

♪ Somebody said It can be here ♪

♪ We could be roped up Tied up dead in a year ♪

♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay ♪

♪ One by one they all Just fade away ♪

The new table turned out great, Abed.

Splendid varnishing.

"Table Mark II"?

I added that, and a few custom upgrades.

It's voice-activated. Table, resume table mode.

Table, power down. Wait. I got a cup on there.

Oh, teacher man.

Mr. Winger. Professor Winger.

Please don't razz me about being a teacher.

Teaching's the most noble profession in the world.

Tell that to the guy that shares my office. Fixes cuckoo clocks for fun.

Sounds like Mr. Hickey, my criminology professor.

I hope you'll be a better teacher than him.

Annie, I don't know law.

I wasn't a real lawyer, remember?

I can't just pretend I'm teaching.

I'm not MythBusters.

There's a two-day course called Nicolas Cage: Good or Bad? I'm signing up.

Always wanted to know. Nicolas is one of pop culture's great mysteries.

Course on Nicolas. Mention Jesus...

...to your teacher, you get a warning. Jesus wasn't in 70 movies.

I'm in. Cage class, fun.

You don't have time to take a blow-off class.

Figure out what you're gonna teach your students.

Thanks, Annie, for one glorious second, I forgot I was a teacher.


Look at Mr. Smarty-Pants.

I am so excited. Jeff is gonna help me save the school.

Not all by himself. I am learning Excel.

Jeff, do you know Excel? No.

Well, it looks like you do.

Teaching.

I, as you know, am Dramatic Professor Sean Garrity...

...and you are now embarking on an odyssey of discussion...

...about an actor who keeps the world asking:

"Nicolas Cage, good or bad?"

Yes, young man? So you don't know?

Mr. Nadir.

Mr. Nadir drove our TV studies professor out of his mind...

...by proving that there was an answer to "Who's the boss?"

Angela. I admire your brain, Mr. Nadir.

I did not admire Professor Sheffield...

...but I promise you...

...this question has no answer.

Your homework is to watch five Nicolas Cage films by Wednesday...

...no marathons.

Space out your viewings.

Five, that's it?

Be careful, Abed Nadir.

Promise me you will be careful.

I have no idea how to make a curriculum.

Becoming a teacher was a huge mistake.

Without a doubt.

Now, that said, there are certain perks.

Excuse me. I didn't know teachers could cut in line.

I can experience this food warm and disgusting.

Winger, what are you doing?

This line is for food, not for Lionel Richie tickets.

This is my house.

Come here.

This man's name is Mr. Winger...

...and Mr. Winger is a teacher.

You know what that means?

It means he gets your meatballs.

Please.

That's all I have.

Get out of here.

Place is a zoo.

The trick is you gotta show the other baboons...

...you got a bigger, redder ass. Let's hit the lounge.

Everybody, this is the new guy, Winger.

He's having trouble planning his curriculum.

What?

Here's all you need to know:

Break into groups, grade each other's papers...

...and please enjoy the seven-disc edition of Planet Earth.

Is there a Mr. Winger in here?

Jeffrey, we need to carve out some time to learn Excel.

Do you guys know Excel? I'm learning.

You know the rules, Pelton. Drop the cheques and move on.

Jeffrey, I'm gonna boot up my computer and download the tutor...

What was that about? Union rules.

Management's not allowed in the faculty lounge.

I could get used to this.

Nicolas Cage is so weird.

I mean, he seemed scared to smell that flower but happy to get shot.

Complex performer. The Rock, Con Air, then Face/Off. You think you understand.

Then Windtalkers, Guarding Tess, The Wicker Man.

He begs you to stop watching, but you can't.

That was an odd choice.

Odd good or odd bad? Maybe he's just good in good movies...

...then acts crazy in crap to make drug money.

But is he good or bad? Every actor is something.

Robert Downey Jr., good. Jim Belushi, bad.

Van Damme, good kind of bad. Johnny Depp, bad kind of good.

There's a spectrum, and Cage is on it.

I just have to find him.

I'm gonna go check on Jeff.

Hello. Hey, Jeff.

How's the old curriculum going? Great.

Consider our nation's youth pre-inspired.

Want a refill, Winger?

Is that Hickey? Yeah. Working on syllabuses.

Hey, let's turd some lockers!

Gotta go. Teacher thing.

It's syllabi.

Guterman. Dropping mad science?

Elaine, take it easy on the Oxford commas.

Hey, walk, don't run, mister. This isn't a racetrack.

Okay, dangerous minds, let's break into groups, discuss chapter one.

And if you are lucky, we might sneak in a little Planet Earth.

Any questions?

Just a few.

She in your class, yo.

So I guess...

...just read chapter one.

Memorize Federal Rules of Civil Procedure.

Class dismissed.

Not so fast, Jeff.

I assume you know why I'm keeping you after class.

Not really. Ski Cap and White Dave...

...got stuff wrong too. You're the teacher.

You don't have to rub it in. What I saw today was embarrassing.

You were late, you clearly had no idea... Hey.

You had no idea what tort reform meant.

I asked you to explain the Sixth, you pled the Fifth.

I know my rights. No, you don't.

That's the problem.

Here. I gathered some materials.

Tomorrow morning, before class...

...I need to verify you know enough to teach.

You're gonna quiz me?

I wish Troy was in my class instead of you.

I hate her, I hate her, I hate her.

Hey, wait. I warned you to separate these worlds.

She's lead, we're chalk.

She needs to be taken out.

Of your class.

I say minus her.

Minus her? Give her A-minuses.

Drive her nuts, she'll drop. She'll call me on it, report me.

Teachers don't have to explain minuses. Why do you think we invented them?

She's my friend.

You like the Leonard meatballs? They added something special.

It's Leonard.

Come on, I'm just messing with you.

You done with your bit? I'd like my earring back.

Yeah?

Go get your earring, you piece of human garbage.

I know. I could just...

Oh, my God.

Have a working theory. Don't react until you've heard the whole thing.

If you watch closely, in Snake Eyes, you'll notice the moment...

...where an alien arm could've come... Abed, this isn't worth it.

Maybe Nicolas Cage is just crazy.

All actors are crazy, Annie.

Some crazy actors are good, some bad. None are neither.

There's no such thing as both, so which one is Nicolas Cage?

Okay, so break into groups, and then you guys quiz each other.

Mr. Winger, sir, is that really the best use of our time?

Seems like the value of having you here...

I think my value as a teacher is to teach you how to learn.

Teach ourselves? Won't learn if I tell you how to think.

Tell us what you think, we'll learn. I thought break into groups.

But you failed to learn that, so your theory's invalid.

Oh, snap.

Break into groups.

Mr. Winger, how did you do that?

Do what? You won an argument against Annie.

You don't argue with Annie, Garrett.

You let her argue with herself until she loses.

You can win by not arguing?

Yeah. Anyone that tries to argue has already lost...

...because they pick an argument to lose.

I mean, that's why I never lost a case.

Prosecutors beat themselves because they... Here.

Because they draw a circle...

...around something called the truth.

And they say that everything outside it is a lie.

Annie.

Don't cry. You were right.

I actually might enjoy teaching.

I'm not crying because of you.

I got this from Professor Hickey.

What the hell? He gave you a dead rat?

No, this is my witness intimidation project.

He gave me this. "A-minus."

I guess I overextended my schedule.

I'm sorry, Jeff.

I have to drop your class.

Okay, thoughts on Nicolas Cage.

A genius. He keeps getting hired for some reason.

It's not because of his hair.

I don't know. If I was in 70 films over 30 years...

...spent each one talking at random volumes...

...I might accidentally win an Oscar.

I think our opinions about pop culture are fed to us by machines...

...designed to criminalize autonomy. Good one.

Dear God. Abed.

No, stand back. Give him space.

Nicolas Cage, good or bad?

A challenge, certainly, but not unsolvable...

...because all actors have distinct values, which I use to find answers.

Abed, how much Nicolas Cage did you...?

Enough!

I watched enough to find the answers.

Because this... This is my reality, this is how I learned to be...

...and my being doesn't allow for Nicolas freaking Cage, okay?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, I'm a cat.

I'm a sexy cat.

Abed?

Think of something safe like Holly Hunter or Don Cheadle.

Abed? Abed.

That was brilliant.

You gave Annie an A-minus? How could you?

What were you thinking?

Are you drawing a peanut? It's a duck. It's none of your concern.

Are you trying to cartoon?

Trying and succeeding. State your business.

I wanna know what kind of monster minuses the best student in his class.

I'm a monster?

I was in the storm drain lair of the Black River Ripper.

I have seen human heads used for things other than heads.

So you best not be calling me a monster.

Okay, you're a bad teacher.

I got her off your back.

I was handling it. I know how to engage my students.

I may not love teaching, but I did fool around with it today.

I may hook up with it again a few more times...

...even if I do dump it before Christmas. We do not work for them.

Maybe we do.

That doesn't count as an argument.

Well, drawing ducks doesn't count as cartooning.

It's one duck, his name is Jim, and publishers are interested.

Ms. Edison, good news.

I talked to Professor Hickey and it turns out your project was an A.

Used your connections to change my grade?

No, an A-minus means you actually earned an A...

...but the teacher doesn't like you. It's a secret faculty thing.

What? Are you kidding?

Am I using that right?

I've been busting my butt for five years...

...and the whole thing comes down to a few old losers' petty insecurities?

Oligarchy.

We've gotta tell people.

Minuses are made-up!

It's riot time!

Yeah!

Bring me their heads!

Pop, pop!

Abed? I couldn't find you at school, so I got worried.

You're throwing away all your little movies, why?

They have no value anymore.

Well, if you're looking for something to believe in...

...I know a skinny, little Hebrew handyman you could meet.

I'm not gonna become Christian, Shirley, or a better Muslim.

This was my religion.

I thought the meaning of people was in here.

I looked inside Nicolas Cage and I found a secret:

People are random and pointless.

Well, in my religion, the whole point is you can't understand every little thing...

...and there's a word for people who remind you...

...you're not God and invite you to try harder.

Prophets, messiahs, kung fu pandas.

So Nicolas Cage is Jesus? No.

But he clearly works in mysterious ways, and maybe that's just his job.

That's why critics can call him a genius or an idiot...

...be right no matter what. Demon to some, angel to others.

Like a cenobite. Did you say cenobite?

Yeah, cenobite, like from Hellraiser.

You like Hellraiser? You know the word?

I thought Pinhead in space was a bit of a letdown, but I'm in for the ride.

Rise up, Greendale!

Your teachers have been lying to you!

You deserve slightly higher grades!

Slightly higher grades! Slightly higher grades!

The whole world is watching this! Yeah!

Oh, wait. I'm out of data minutes.

The whole world will be watching this on the first of next month!

Slightly higher grades! Slightly higher grades!

Jeffrey, do something.

Distract them. Take your shirt off. Here.

Slightly higher grades! Slightly higher grades!

Everybody, calm down.

Just listen.

Do you think the students and teachers at Harvard are at each other's throats?

No. Because they're all rich.

We all have something in common too.

We all suck.

We're all broke.

We just went through an entire week of meatball lunches...

...without even blinking.

Oh, that's on me. I converted the lunch menu to a spreadsheet.

The teachers here are teachers here...

...because they did something wrong, same as the students.

So get on the same team...

...because, take it from me...

...those of us that get to leave aren't going anywhere.

No, you suck!

Jeffrey, go with my "take off your shirt" plan.

May I point out that you're doing this together?

It's all based on rows and columns of cells.

I think that's why they call it Excel.

I don't care. Okay, now, I know it's unrealistic...

...to think we can eliminate riots completely.

But I've been crunching the numbers.

We can reduce them by 40 percent. Let's hope the man doesn't target you...

...for dreaming this big. Here's my plan.

You know that Save Greendale Committee you pretended to form?

We need one of those for real.

I want a student-teacher alliance, with you in charge.

I vote myself out. You don't have a quorum.

And don't forget, if I fire you, you're likely to starve and die, so, you know.

Do you want me to cut your meatball?

All right, look...

...there are two things I don't do well:

Apologies and drawing duck bills.

I lost perspective.

Students aren't the enemy...

...and, I don't know, maybe my bills are a little pointy...

...maybe I'm basing them on beaks.

Apologise to Annie.

I did, I gave her an A.

I don't know how else to make it right.

I guess, I don't know, I quit.

I got a better idea.

As our first order of business for the Student/Teacher...

...Save Greendale Committee, we hereby ban the dean...

...from attending future meetings.

Yeah. Our second order of business: Lunch.

Yeah.

I'm taste-testing rations for the shelter I'm digging.

Are you the coolest person in the world?

I doubt it. I'd like to address the fact...

...that there are no Asian-Americans represented.

We can get Chang.

No need to rush into anything, I just wanted to address it.

Anybody want some nuts?


Quiet, I think Jeff's coming. This is gonna be hilarious.

Yeah, pharmacy please.

Yeah, this is Buzz Hickey.

I think you gave me the wrong medication.

I usually get Lipitor.

What do you mean my insurance won't cover it anymore?

My body does not respond well to the generic stuff.

Let me ask you a question, lady, can you pay out-of-pocket?

I am an educator, ma'am, living on a teacher's salary.

No, I'm sorry.

What's your name?

Leia. Well, let me tell you something, Leia.

I wake up every night screaming.

Life is unfair, but it's the only thing we g...

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'll call back later.

Ma, it's Buzz. I'm gonna say this as fast as I can.

We can't afford to bury dad with the rest of the family.