Community S5E4 Script

Cooperative Polygraphy (2014)

Well, that was a weird afternoon.

I guess I knew Pierce was part of a weird, futuristic cult...

...but I wasn't prepared for a funeral with so much beeping.

Well, let's not judge.

Everyone has a right...

...to whatever fake religion they delusionally choose.

Abed, you were by the coffin for a long time. Are you okay?

I'm okay. Although...

Troy and Abed are in mourning Please stop doing that.

I can't believe you did it during your eulogy. So uncomfortable.

I don't think they got we were singing "mourning" with a U.

You were singing "mourning" with a U? Oh, no.

I still don't fully understand the laser lotus theology.

So Pierce's body is in the coffin, and we buried it...

...but this energon pod contains his life vapour?

All right here in this incredibly persuasive literature they passed out.

Once you reach level 16, you can see the colour blurble.

Ridiculous cartoon nonsense. If there is a blurble...

...the Lord keeps it hidden for a reason. What up, N-bombs?

How was the funeral? Awesome?

No, Chang, our friend's funeral was not awesome.

It was deeply sad. You know, funeral style.

Excuse me. I thought you guys hated Pierce.

No. We didn't hate Pierce.

Craziness.

Are you sure you guys aren't just doing the "respect the dead" jig-a-lig?

I think you have us mistaken for you, Chang.

I don't know. I definitely remember you complaining about him a lot.

Complained about him when he was alive. This is different.

Can't believe we'll never see him again. Reminder, gotta live life to the fullest.

By the time Pierce was my age, he had already been fired from 15 jobs.

I've only seen two Police Academys.

The last two.

Well, he's gone too soon but won't be soon forgotten.

I would say you're quite correct, Mr. Winger.

Who the hell are you? My name is Mr. Stone.

That's easy for you to say.

And for us to say.

I work for Mr. Hawthorne.

He specified in his will that no matter how natural in appearance...

...the circumstances of his death...

...a private inquest should be conducted to determine whether any one of you...

...his former study group...

...murdered him.

What? To be cleared...

...you must all submit to a polygraph test.

Schnizzle, you guys are in trouble.

Later. Mr. Chang, I presume.

You're also listed as a suspect and requested to participate.

Fine, but I ask the questions.

I'm afraid I can't allow that. All right, then just the "fine" part.

We're losing Pierce.

Everyone, quickly.

Someone get a balloon.

♪ Give me some more Time in a dream ♪

♪ Give me the hope To run out of steam ♪

♪ Somebody said It can be here ♪

♪ We could be roped up Tied up dead in a year ♪

♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay ♪

♪ One by one they all Just fade away ♪

I always wanted to try a polygraph. Like the pie fight of cop movies.

Or the acupuncture of the legal system.

Can't believe Pierce'd think we might murder him.

Yeah, what a waste of murder. I mean, he was, like, 79.

Don't suppose anyone wants to know I consider this a violation.

Come on, it's just Pierce being Pierce.

Final wish. If I had a final wish...

...I'd use it to stay alive. Do it. How do we begin?

We're gonna start with Ms. Perry.

State your name. Britta Perry.

Had any thoughts of violence towards Pierce?

No. Lie.

I mean, we all wanted to slap him now and again, but I didn't kill him.

In all your sexual fantasies about Pierce...

...none of them involved his murder? What? No.

You had sexual fantasies about Mr. Hawthorne.

No! What kind of question is that? I'm asking the questions...

...just as Mr. Hawthorne wrote them down, I assure you.

Mr. Winger, state your name. Jeffrey Winger.

Are you gay? No.

You sure you're not gay? Yes.

Gay murderer says what? What?

He's telling the truth. I'll point out that means you're gay.

Ms. Bennett. State your name. Shirley Bennett.

Are you a dishonest person?

No. She thinks that's true.

You could have just said no. I'm watching you acting scientific...

...and then adding your little two cents every now and again. Continue.

Is it true you're a donor with the pro-life organisation prenatalpatriots.org?

What? Keep it cool, girls.

It's my money. It's my choice.

If I wanted the government in my uterus, I'd fill it with oil and Hispanic voters.

Keep it frosty. Don't let your goats get got.

Mr. Barnes, state your name.

Troy Barnes.

I meant to say Butts Carlton.

He did mean to say Butts Carlton.

Barnes, you get angry when Mr. Hawthorne told you...

...Fat Albert died of diabetes?

Yes, like any American would.

Angry enough to murder him? No.

Is it true you and Abed Nadir have an elaborate doomsday escape plan...

...to be used in the event of zombie attacks?

We may have a designated rendezvous point...

...and a couple of bug-out bags filled with gold coins and condoms...

...in case we need to bargain our way onto a boat. Gold coins for buying food.

Does your doomsday plan account for the welfare of any of your other friends?

Pass. Answer the question.

No. Troy. Rude.

It's a doomsday plan, not a picnic plan.

You wanna see the horrors we might have to endure just to get on a boat?

Guess not. That's a lie.

He's doing it again.

Pierce is doing it again.

Mr. Chang, state your name.

Benjamin Franklin Chang, ready to deal out the truth.

Nothing to hide. Let's do this.

Have you ever masturbated in the study room?

Mr. Nadir, state your name. Abed Nadir.

Have you ever 9/11 'd anyone? No.

When you were a child, did you kill a squirrel, surprised you felt nothing...

...and wonder if you were capable of doing it to a human?

No.

Do you and Troy still use Jeff's Netflix account...

...without his permission? You told Pierce that?

You logged in at our place, never logged out.

Is that why my review of The Grey is changing?

Stop giving it four stars. I like Liam Neeson.

Send him a message about roles.

This is not the issue. You're stealing from me.

And as your roommate, you're making me an accomplice.

I had no idea. Lie.

Why would I even try that?

State your name please, miss. Annie Edison.

Did you use your intelligence and organizational skills...

...to plot the foolproof murder of Pierce Hawthorne?

And no.

Is it true you overcharged Troy and Abed for their share of the rent?

Pierce. Annie?

Yes, but for a good reason.

You guys know you're bad with money.

I padded your share of the rent by $10.

I've been putting it into a savings account that yields 4 percent.

You'll be thanking me in six years when you find out you have $86.

That's jacket money.

Did you hear that, Abed? We've been washing paper plates...

...and making our own toothpaste. Don't worry.

When we have robot bodies, we can share a free jacket.

You should know better than to hoard money. That's a stereotype.

Was that anti-Semitism? No.

That's sensitivity.

It's anti-Semitic to do things like that when you know you're Jewish.

We could have bought a tire for our tire swing.

Or your own Netfiix account?

Liam Neeson? Not that great.

As if you were ever gonna get that tire.

All right.

Let's begin.

Wait, wait. What do you mean, "begin"?

That completes calibration questioning. We're ready to begin the inquest.

We're ready to end. We've humoured this long enough.

Jeff, it's for Pierce.

Look, respect for the dead is only a thing...

...because the dead usually don't do any more damage.

That's true. You can quit any time you like.

It should be noted Mr. Hawthorne's estate is worth over $20 million.

Only those cleared of his murder can receive their bequeathments.

I'm only gonna say this once. Clearly, Pierce is trying to lure us...

...into a labyrinth of emotional manipulation and strategic instigation.

We're all smart enough to know we should quit while we're not ahead.

I do believe we should. Yes, definitely.

Absolutely. Right.

They're all lying. We all know that, you judgmental bitch.

Ms. Perry, have you ever eaten at the sandwich shop...

...started by Mrs. Bennett and Mr. Hawthorne?

Yes. And what sandwich would you order?

Only one I can, the Helen of Soy with no mayo.

Helen of Soy. Are you aware that to save money...

...Shirley stopped using real tofu and replaced it with Midwestern tofu...

...called meatfu?

Oh, my God!

It's still not actually meat, legally.

You have never respected anything that I hold sacred.

I'm sorry. Did you know that Britta...

...was high on marijuana at your son's baptism?

I'm sorry?

Well, no higher than usual. Not true.

You did drugs in my church?

I did drugs in the parking lot of your church.

How do you expect somebody to sit through something like that?

With a bris, there's an element of suspense.

Next time, I'll have Cheech and Chong do warm-up.

Guys, these questions are obviously designed...

...to turn us against each other. If we wanna beat Pierce...

...we own up to our mistakes and forgive each other.

Mr. Winger, is it true that you keep trophies of your sexual conquests?

In a church, Britta?

For shame.

It's where Jesus gets his mail.

Answer the question, Adrien Grody.

I know what Pierce is referring to.

I have a box of forgotten items in my apartment.

I happen to be a single male.

Visitors leave things.

Is one of your trophies a pair of Ms. Perry's panties?

You told me a hawk stole them.

You exploited me...

...and made me believe in a slightly more magical world.

To collect women's underwear, can't you buy them?

They have to be won in battle.

Gross. Awesome.

I think we can all agree the gross thing is Pierce snooping through my stuff.

Abed and I go through your stuff all the time.

Why keep bread in the freezer?

Why's your bathroom mirror say "you're special"?

I don't have to ans... You took a shower? Yeah.

Mr. Barnes. Okay. I did it, okay? I killed Pierce.

Lie. Okay, good.

Just making sure.

You and Abed have a specialised, exclusive handshake you refuse to do...

...with your other friends? Absolutely.

Mr. Barnes, did you invent that handshake?

Yes. Lie.

Mr. Barnes, are you a subscriber to the video blog Fun For Friends?

No. Lie.

Silence, wench!

Hi, I'm Kevin.

This is Kyle, and here's a fun handshake you can do with your best friend.

All right. Thanks for watching, guys.

Don't forget to rate us, comment, and subscribe.

I can't look at you. You should know I'm crying.

I forgive you. To escape the pattern of self-righteous indignation...

...followed by immediate comeuppance. Mr. Nadir.

It's happening. You broke my heart. Continue.

Is it true you planted trafficking devices on everyone so you'd know...

...where they are at all times? Yes.

You're changing your faces. Mad at me or hungry?

You're tracking us?

We're mad at you, Abed. Why?

Because we already live in a totalitarian surveillance state.

Do you not read my updates? I'm not the government. I'm your friend.

That's what governments say, nimrod.

When one of you gets kidnapped you'll be glad you don't have to count...

...the bumps from the trunk of a car. Are those blinking dots us?

What's this one all the way to the side? That's where Pierce is buried.

Is that why you were spending so much time by the coffin?

I was trying to get it back. They're expensive.

Abed, where did you plant these things?

Feel better, you'll never find them.

I know you know it's wrong to do that without telling us. Shame on you.

Okay, I'm ashamed. Lie. Lie.

Ms. Edison, is it true you once dosed the members of your group...

...with a pharmaceutical amphetamine?

Yes, kind of. What?

It sounds worse on paper than it was.

We were cramming for the anthro final. Everyone was falling asleep.

I put 5 milligrams of something in your coffees and we all got an A. Done.

I'm a bad person for tracking you, but you altered brain chemistry?

I was up for three days.

I invented a language, you fliztbarping gitzgorg.

Sorry. You messed with my brain. A big deal.

I don't mess with your brain, Annie.

You kind of do. I don't think I do.

What about her Facebook boyfriend? It's different.

You made a profile for a fake dude and lured her into a relationship.

He's catfishing you.

You're Olympic pole-vaulting hopeful Brent Underjaw?

Whenever you were in a relationship, you hummed a lot and made pancakes.

I did what I did in the name of breakfast.

I bore my soul to you.

I told you about my holding hands at Disneyland fantasy.

Do you care about people at all, Abed?

Answer on the polygraph.

Jeff made me apply for handicapped parking so he can get a better spot.

Britta invited Garrett to Annie's birthday party.

Troy won't sit on the toilet seat after Jeff.

When alone, Shirley refers to you as "those people."

When Annie's with other females, she calls Jeff her uncle.

Shirley thinks we're all going to hell. You are all going to hell.

We're not necessarily gonna go to hell. I mean, what is hell?

Guys, stop! We have to stop letting Pierce do this to us.

Mr. Hawthorne hasn't asked a question in quite some time, Mr. Winger.

He's right.

I actually forgot for a second that Pierce was dead.

Maybe that's what he wanted.

Or he wanted us to know we're no better off without him.

Or no better than him.

He kind of nailed it, didn't he?

I didn't just masturbate in the study room.

I masturbated everywhere.

Everywhere!

Confession is good for the soul.

You should try it sometime.

There's another round of questions, if you'd like to continue.

Give us a moment to sit in our own filth before you heap another bucket on us.

Strange, after all these years how much we've kept hidden from each other.

You'd think by now we would have learned to be better people.

I think we got into this mess by thinking there was such a thing as better people.

Wait. That's it.

If we're no better than Pierce, Pierce is no worse than us...

...then that means nobody's really that bad.

So what if we're willing to suffer and infiict pain...

...at the mere prospect of material reward?

If we stop now, that doesn't make us better.

It just makes us so dishonest...

...that we would rather be poor than admit we're flawed.

Pierce admitted he was flawed, and he died rich.

Let's celebrate his life and death in the honest way...

...not by saying fake nice things around a casket...

...but by admitting we're monsters and clawing joyfully for some of his cash.

So does anybody have anything left before we continue?

Let's empty our tanks of lies once and for all.

I'm Jeff Winger, and if I had my choice...

...I would rather look at myself naked than the women I sleep with.

I'm the one who hit Jeff's Lexus in the parking lot.

It wasn't a taco truck.

Racist of me to improvise such an ethnically specific vehicle.

I only give money to homeless people when I'm with someone.

I've never been to Legoland.

I just wanted you guys to think I was cool.

I can be passive-aggressive sometimes.

Don't everybody disagree at once.

Oh, Lord, I did it again. When you chew gum I wanna punch you.

May as well have machine guns in your mouths. Vibrates my skull.

Everybody clear?

Yeah. All right.

Mr. Stone, hit us with your grand finale.

May it be as brutal as we deserve.

Very well.

Mr. Hawthorne's final round of questions.

"Britta Perry. Do you know that you hate yourself more than you should...

...and that your passion inspired me?"

No.

That's true. She didn't know.

"To Ms. Perry, I leave my iPod nano...

...filled with music to take life less seriously by."

Oh, that's nice.

"Also this liquid nitrogen cooled cylinder of my hyper-virile sperm...

...in case your lesbian lifestyle one day wears out...

...and you wish to raise an army of geniuses.

Shirley. Did you know you are not only a credit to your race and gender...

...but to our species? I was intimidated by your strength of character...

...and business acumen?" Yes.

"To Shirley Bennett, I leave my spacious timeshare in Florida...

...where she can take what's-his-name and however many children she has.

I also leave you a cylinder of my sperm.

Annie Edison. Did you know that you were always my favourite?"

You mentioned it once, but...

"I leave you this tiara, which you once refused to accept.

Same tiara I used to wear when my mother would assault me...

...for not being a little girl.

Also sperm.

Jeff Winger.

Did you know you're gay?" No.

"Agree to disagree.

To you, I leave this bottle of fine Scotch...

...so that you're less tempted to drink this cylinder of even finer sperm.

Abed Nadir. Did you know that you are insane...

...and nothing you said made any sense to me?"

Yep. "Here's your sperm.

Troy Barnes.

Did you know that you possess the greatest gift life can give?

The heart of a hero.

And that it's up to you not to waste it like I did?"

I think.

"To Troy, I leave the obligatory sperm."

Maybe it's because everyone else got one...

...and because it's an old man's semen, but I'm kind of disappointed.

"Also, I am prepared to leave Troy Barnes my remaining shares...

...in the Hawthorne Wipes Company currently valued at $14.3 million.

On one condition.

You must first sail my boat, the Childish Tycoon...

...by yourself around the entire world."

What? Again with the bait and switch.

"When I was 23, my father asked me to do the same thing...

...to earn my adulthood and his fortune.

I cheated and floated off the coast of Belize...

...for a year doing coke with John Denver. I always regretted it.

I'd like to give you a chance to do what I never did:

Become your own man."

Okay, I'm a lawyer, Troy.

It should be possible to contest these conditions as unreasonable.

Pierce can take his mind games, his sperm and he can put...

I'll do it. What?

Troy?

Pierce was a crazy old coot, yeah...

...but I think he knew something about me that even I didn't know until now.

Because he's offering me something I've been searching for my whole life.

Millions of dollars.

And being a man or whatever he said.

Jeff, say something.

I'm speechless.

Somebody say something. Abed?

Cool.

Cool, cool, cool.

That's a lie.

And then that sperm came down.

I mean, I couldn't say anything.

But, oh, my God.

I was gonna explode.

And then that one, that last question...

...with all of that nice stuff out on the table.

You were having this discussion about whether or not to quit?

At first, I was like:

But you did it.

You did it.

It was amazing.

You're amazing, man.

You're amazing. Guys, this is the best.

We should do this every week.

Oh, I'm a fun guy, you know?

I mean, you talk about lying?

I was lying the whole time.

This is who I really am. This is me.

This is the real me. I'm artistic.

Ideas come to me all the time.

I have this idea for a movie.

It's about this guy who oversees polygraph tests...

...and the biggest obstacle is how good-looking he is.

People can't focus and tell the truth.

It's unbelievable.

By the way, we never found out how Pierce died.

Oh, my God. I can't believe I didn't tell you yet.

It was dehydration from filling up all of those cylinders.

I mean, it's how I wanna go, but, hey, I'm a little nutty.

Are you guys thinking what I'm thinking?

Shots!