Community S5E6 Script

Analysis of Cork-Based Networking (2014)

Save Greendale Committee, please welcome our newest member...

...math teacher Ben Chang.

Okay, let's get serious.

I've compiled a short list of the most immediate Greendale emergencies.

Is deforestation on the list?

I, for one, am glad that this is happening.

What this school needs is a band of heroes.

Champions willing to rise up and "Get all those potatoes out of the gym."

Like House Vogadash in the HBO series, Bloodlines of Conquest.

Oh, yeah. My show right there.

That is a good show.

They really get the incest right.

What the hell is Bloodlines of Conquest?

Medieval fantasy based on these books nobody read.

It's great. It's got betrayal, boobs, espionage, dragons.

Oh, wait, dragons? Is that a spoiler? I just started season one.

I don't start watching shows...

...until they're so popular, watching is no longer a statement.

You're behind, so we have to live in a world where there's no dragons?

Do we have to pretend that Lord Stevarios is still alive?

Thanks, Abed. How about I buy all the Bloodlines of Conquest books...

...read ahead, and spoil the whole series for you?

An insane person would do that. Knuckleheads, focus.

Item one, the Greendale student census is out of date.

Britta, Abed, why don't you partner up on that one?

Give you a chance to squash this beef.

Next, midterm dance is tonight. Who'd like to be on the decorating committee?

No. Fine. I'll do it.

I will be on that committee. Me too.

Are you guys volunteering because I'll do all the work?

I wouldn't. Not at all.

I don't care enough to lie, so no.

I will reward that honesty by giving you something easy.

A bulletin board fell down in the cafeteria a couple months ago.

Think you can get it hung back up? I'll give it a drive-by.

Great. We have now completed our first task:

Have a productive meeting.

For every task that we complete...

...a star goes on the task wall.

Oh, no.

♪ Give me some more Time in a dream ♪

♪ Give me the hope To run out of steam ♪

♪ Somebody said It can be here ♪

♪ We could be roped up Tied up dead in a year ♪

♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay ♪

♪ One by one they all Just fade away ♪

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Brince Ironstone's daughter is his mother!

Brince Ironstone's daughter is his mother!

Hi, there.

What can I do for you? Get me a drill, screws, bulletin board?

No, I cannot. Okay, I tried. Bye.

If you wanna hang a bulletin board, get a work order.

They're more powerful than you?

I'm taking census. Fill out this form, but don't talk. I can't hear.

Are you deaf? But you read lips?

Gibberish. You're good.

I wish I knew sign language.

Are you gonna have another intense burst of compatibility...

...with a girl we never see again? I can't hear you.

The midterm dance will need a visual theme...

...like "Let's Blow Off Steam," and it's trains.

I have an idea. Your last idea was to murder.

Edison, the bulletin board's a no-go.

Really? So you did your best and this task just eludes you?

I have a lifetime of experience with red tape. I know when to walk away.

Yeah, you do. Hey, Edison.

The system is lazy. I have integrity, too much to deal with any of it.

I'll do it myself. And I would love to watch you try.

Okay. I am on bulletin board duty.

You guys are in charge of the dance.

Oh, Professor Pushpin.

Jerry, Carlo, Crazy Schmidt. I'm Annie.

You learned our names. I did.

Crazy Schmidt, how are C.J.'s clarinet lessons going?

Well, she's having a little trouble...

...with her left finger lifts, but she's getting there.

Annie, do you want that bulletin board hung up?

Let me put in a work order for you.

There you go. That should happen in three to six business months.

Any way we could bump that up a little...

...so it's somewhere above "Lower flag for Reagan's death"?

Talk to a custodian. We're janitors. There's a difference?

We were just starting to like you.

Had enough? I'm just getting started.

What was your stumbling block, being nice?

Look, I admire your idealism, but my guess is...

...that you will be crying uncle before that board ever goes up.

Game on, baby.

Come on. Come on.

What? God.

This isn't over.

Here we go. You wanted to get dirty. This is where it starts.

Deputy Custodian Lapari...

...Annie Edison from Save Greendale Committee. How's your daughter's...?

Sorry, this is a closed function. We don't discuss business at mixers.

But your daughter, soccer... Soccer. Yes. Thanks for coming.

Get a load of that wood burnt sign.

Did Mr. Whitney in Woodshop make that for you guys?

Yes, that is a Whitney original.

You know, I noticed that Whitney's bathroom has this amazing toilet.

Flushes like a DC-10 turbine.

Probably exceeds code.

But what's wrong with a little friendship between departments?

Now, how can our committee be your friend?

Bob? Excuse me.

Chief Custodian Bob Waite, Buzz Hickey, Annie Edison.

Hickey and Edison, something in the job queue.

Bulletin board. Yeah. We were hoping to get that up...

Let's take a walk. Quite a spread.

I'm impressed. It's election time.

If I don't break out sausages, my ass goes in the grinder next January.

Keeping my people happy. It's an uphill battle.

For example, look at this.

A lot of the websites we try and visit...

...get blocked by this weird filter thing. Say I wanted to move a work order...

...for a bulletin board from the bottom of the queue to the top.

Now, how can I do that...

...when I'm dealing with this?

They want their porn unblocked.

Then they'll give you your board. That's what that was?

How did you know? Did you investigate pornography when you were a cop?

Something like that.

He wants a bribe. Welcome to the labyrinth.

Only there ain't no puppets or bisexual rock stars down here.

So at the centre of it all, if you're lucky...

...a piece of cork and a few pins. So, what, is it worth it?

Is that all a bulletin board is? A piece of cork? That's not what it is...

...to people that lose their pets, people that need rides...

...people whose bad bands need bad bass players.

To them, every pushpin has the power to change the future.

So, yes, professor, it's worth it.

I know a lady in the IT Department.


Okay, I'll put some food on the tables, dim the lights, that's a midterm dance.

I guess it could use a little something theme-wise.

I have an idea.

"Bear Down For Midterms."

What? "Bear Down For Midterms."

You can't just repeat it. You need to explain yourself.

It's midterm time. People have to "bear down"...

...study hard, get to work.

It's "Bear Down For Midterms."

Is there a dot I'm not connecting?

It's a play on words. "Bear down" is an expression.

I know the expression, Chang.

"Fly on the wall" is an expression, but if I were to pitch:

"Fly On The Wall For Midterms," you might ask, "What do you mean?"

Chang?

Are you crying?

I understand I've been crazy in the past...

...but it doesn't make it less frustrating to be dismissed like this.

I don't know if you guys see me as human anymore.

I don't know if it's like a joke to you. Are all Asian men like a joke?

A racial thing? No.

No. No. I paid for my crimes.

Underneath all the craziness, I am still a human, and I...

I do wanna make a difference.

And can you respect that? Please?

Chang, what can we do here?

"Bear Down For Midterms."

Okay. Okay, well...

We'll put up some bear things?

We'll bear down. For midterms.

Okay.

You want me to lift web restrictions solely for Custodial?

They need to have full access so they can research custodian stuff.

If the filter is mistakenly blocking a site...

...they just need to submit the URL and I can...

Okay. What do you want? Excuse me?

Tell us what we can do, so that you can do this for us.

Oh, cool. I didn't know it could work that way.

I guess I could use decent parking.

Right now they make me park in Annex B like a lunch lady.

Our committee can talk to Parking.

Let's be clear. I want everything to get through that blocker.

What do you mean everything? Everything!

Understood.

I'm very happy right now.

So just, bears everywhere? Yep.

And then we'll have some cakes, party hats.

Birthday stuff. This is coming together better than I thought.

I'm sorry, birthday stuff?

Yes, Duncan. Okay, I'm sorry.

Birthday stuff.

Well, I've been sad to see that bulletin board down in the cafeteria for so long.

Always had a passion for bulletins.

If parking for the IT guy puts that board back where it belongs...

...I won't stand in the way.

You need, speaking as a fan of bulletins...

...to have the dean appoint someone to oversee them...

...to make sure they stay organised and protected. I'll do it.

We could look into that. Well, not to be that guy...

...but could you look into that before I do this?

You wanna control all bulletin boards in the school. Why?

You might wanna start talking turkey, Waldron...

...the Macy's Parade is almost over and Grandma's getting drunk.

Know where my department's power comes from?

Parking spaces. Wrong.

There was plenty of space to park in dinosaur times...

...but not one single Parking Department.

My power comes from a scarcity of parking...

...just like your dad's comes from a lack of hugs.

And you know what takes my power away? Carpools.

Carpools organised through rideshares.

Rideshares posted on bulletin boards, you son of...

Take the books off your head, we're done posturing.

You want me to talk turkey, well, gobble, gobble...

...I want rideshares gone.

Let's get out of here. All right.

What? I'll talk to the dean.

I must say, I don't know what we did, but we sure did it.

I guess the key to dance decoration is just pick an idea.

And bear down. Right, buddy?

Here are your sodas. Oh, my God.

Yeah. Pretty great. Yeah. Bear down, baby.

Too soon, you guys.

This is way too soon.

Too soon for what? Too soon for this.

After this morning in Wisconsin?

Bear breaks loose at kid's party, mauls a bunch of people.

Why am I explaining this when this is obviously a ghoulish reference to it?

The news has been covering it all morning!

That's where I got the idea.

Sometimes you hear something, forget you heard it...

...but you think you came up with... Oh, man, this is bad.

We're in crisis mode now.

We really messed up, you guys.

"An Office of Bulletin Board Oversight."

What a novel idea. I'm gonna fill out this form right away.

But first, a toast...

...to hanging a bulletin board.

Easy-peasy, lemon squeezy.

First time toasting? Get in here, buddy. Easy-peasy, lemon squeezy.

I'm not saying that.

Oh, well, I hate to be that guy...

...but I'm not signing this form until Professor Hickey says:

"Easy-peasy, lemon squeezy."

Damn it, Annie. Don't do this.

Whatever you've got in your butt...

...can we get it out later?

When, after he signs it? After it's too late?

Annie? You petty old man.

When we started, I thought you'd get a taste of the system...

...and spit it out, not open a bottling plant.

You're just like all the people that... What? The people that put you here?

The people in the big machine that made you fail?

You went from being a cop to teaching criminology...

...because of the system, right?

Unfortunately for Greendale, you have to prove it by getting nothing done.

Here's a bulletin for you:

Annie Edison doesn't get nothing done.

Where should I put that bulletin?

On a sham piece of cork controlled by a Parking guy...

...that lights his cigars on student rideshares?

My God, Annie.

What kind of labyrinth have you created?

Certainly not the magic kind with puppets and macho rock stars.

You whored yourself out, kid. You wanted that board so bad...

...you made every board on campus worthless.

And in doing so, made the school just a shade dirtier.

I thought better of you, young lady.

Oh, man, this got Sorkin-y.

Yeah, well, I didn't think anything in particular of you...

...and now I see why!

Okay, I didn't follow most of that, but it feels like I ought to do this:

Oh, hey, Annie.

What do you think?

"Fat Dog For Midterms"?

Yeah. Pretty cool.

I don't understand. That's an expression.

"Fat Dog For Midterms." Like, "Don't sweat it. Fat dog it.

Hang out, relax, like a fat dog." Look it up on Wikipedia.

There's an entry in there. Yep.

I never... Okay, I just...

I feel like I'm missing... You know, Annie...

...sometimes it feels like you don't take us seriously.

We bring it on ourselves, but it's still pretty frustrating.

Annie, is this a race thing? Race.

No! God, no.

You guys. I accept that it's an expression.

But I don't see the connection...

You're over-thinking, Annie. It's decorating.

Just pick an idea and bear down on it.

Really poor choice of words, Ben. Too soon.

You guys are right. I'm sorry.

I've had a really hard day. I need to just fat dog this concept.

Fat dog. Fat dog it, baby.

Right. This will be perfect.


Thank you.

I'm sorry, Abed, but to the spoiler goes the victory.

But I really liked her.

She likes you too, but she also likes cash.

I'm devastated.

Now I feel bad.

But you learned a lesson...

...and I gave a differently-abled person a job.

Oh, no. Now I really feel bad. Wait, no. Come back.

Let's be fat dogs about this.

Hello. What happened to you?

Nothing. You never called. I'm sorry.

The year of the gas leak, but I won't use that as an excuse.

I can be inconsiderate and a lot of other things.

Me too. I guess I could've put in some effort.

Do you want to go to lunch sometime? No. I'd like to go to dinner. Now.

I can do that.

I started this coat check without permission anyway.

♪ ♪

♪ I could feel at the time ♪

♪ There was no way of knowing ♪

♪ Fallen leaves in the night ♪

♪ Who can say where they're blowing ♪

♪ As free as the wind ♪

♪ Hopefully learning ♪

♪ Why the sea on the tide ♪

♪ Has no way of turning ♪

♪ ♪

♪ More than this ♪

♪ You know there's nothing ♪

♪ More than this ♪

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Excuse me.

No!

No! All right, all right, enough!

Let's go.

Thanks. Thanks.

Let's do it again.

There's a brand-new dance Based on an old phrase It's called The Fat Dog And it will amaze You've heard this expression Your entire life It's not made up It's not made up There's a brand-new dance Based on an old phrase It's called The Fat Dog And it will amaze You've heard this expression...

It's a bear dance!

Damn it.

You've reached Greendale Faculty Office Supply.

For pencils, pens, and markers, press one.

For tape, glue, and adhesives, press two.

For staples, paper clips, and fasteners, press three.

For marigold, press four.

Marigold. For obsidian, press one.

For aqua cerulean, press two.

For arcadia, press three.

Enter activation code.

Confirmed. Arcadia initiated.

What's your clearance level?

Top.

You really wanna activate this, sir? Yeah.

Oh, no, no. Cancel it.

Wait. Who are you? Who is this?

It's not... I'm...

Right in front of you, stupid.