Community S5E9 Script

VCR Maintenance and Educational Publishing (2014)

It's settled.

Urinals in the women's restroom will be turned into planters.

On to chores. We need some able bodies...

...to clear out a space in the storage room.

I'll do it. Really?

Annie goes from easy chores to hardest.

That's true.

I'll do it too. Yeah, me too.

Okay, that concludes this meeting. Oh, man.

Nobody picks up on my patterns. What am I gonna say next?

Graham cracker. You didn't know.

Hey, it's the... couple.

Rachel got Pile of Bullets.

Interactive Old West-themed VCR game from the '90s.

I found it at Goodwill.

Between a Thighmaster and a Dick Tracy Burger King glass.

Happy anniversary. Anniversary?

I guess I should learn your name, lady. Oh, Rachel.

Rachel. Nice to meet you, Rachel. You can go.

Okay.

Anniversary? Been dating for one of your months.

Our relationship is 12 times more efficient, so a year.

Sleep cycles are in sync, communicate with eyebrows.

She knows my Netflix password. Jeff's password.

I'm changing that. I changed it.

To what? Nice try.

Can Rachel come to our place to play this?

Can't afford to take her anywhere. My brother's in town...

...and I'm broke too.

I was gonna make him dinner tonight.

Cool. Double date? Dinner and 1993 interactive VCR game?

What are you making? Salmon.

Buttered noodles. Buttered noodles are my favourite.

Quick announcement for two of Greendale's finest.

Payday is postponed until next week, so this...

...is my freestyle rap apology.

Well, I'm a peanut bar And I'm here to say Your cheques will arrive On another day Another day, another dime Another dollar Another stuffed shirt With another white collar Criminals, Wall Street Taking the pie And all the black man gets Is a plate of white lies Prisons recruiting them Police be shooting them Rap artists looting them Labels all diluting them Barack Obama is scared of me

'Cause I don't swallow knowledge And I spit it for free Let me clear my throat I don't know what that was, I don't.

I don't know what that was.

♪ Give me some more Time in a dream ♪

♪ Give me the hope To run out of steam ♪

♪ Somebody said It can be here ♪

♪ We could be roped up Tied up dead in a year ♪

♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay ♪

♪ One by one they all Just fade away ♪

So nice to have the Edison kids under one roof again.

Remember when we used to cut carrots for Mom?

Yes. I need a soda.

Oh, okay.

One, two, three.

Door's busted.

Landlord's in jail and money's tight. Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Anthony, thank you. Yeah.

Hey, Abed, a quick word?

What would you think about my brother moving in?

Do I just keep cutting carrots? Yes, Anthony.

He has money. He's handy. You're putting me on the spot.

My concern would be he's a Viking, might only use our home...

...as a temporary base before moving inland.

A good guy. We can't afford to keep splitting the rent. Have a better idea?

How about Rachel? That a joke?

Is it cool if I poop?

No, Anthony. Just cut the carrots. You've been dating Rachel for a month.

I don't think you heard his question. The answer is yes.

We have been dating for the equivalent of a year.

I've been hearing about that for two years.

Can't microwave a relationship like a burrito. Ain't living with your girlfriend.

Ain't living with your "keep cutting carrots or ask if he can poop" brother.

Rachel's on her way. I'd like to practise my smile.

I guess it was just air.

Why are we organising a storage room?

How is this not a janitor's job? Can I ask you something?

Why the hell do you have all those muscles...

...if you're gonna bitch about moving boxes?

Is the air working in here? I'm sweating like a Catholic on Judgement Day.

A little Protestant humour. Got more. Oh, can't wait.

Nothing.

Wait. There's something in there blocking the vent.

You gonna open it?

You realise nothing good has ever been found in a vent, right? It's a vent.

"Intro to Chemistry." Third edition.

Mint. Two hundred dollars retail...

...160 on the street. Why are there books in an air duct?

Why is there hot sauce in the bathroom? It's Greendale.

Must be stolen. Have to tell the dean.

Hold on.

Let's just calm down and have a slow, pleasant chat...

...about possibilities.

What kind? All kinds. Anything is possible.

We might one day have hover cars.

Kale might be poisonous. And we might not have to get the dean involved here.

Jeffrey, these are stolen. From who?

By who? How long ago?

It's "from whom," "by whom." But he nailed the third question.

Look, we are the committee that deals with Greendale's problems.

You see anything on our list about a pile of missing books...

...worth more than the school they're in?

One thing's for sure. If we hand these over, they'll really go missing.

Think that money's gonna be used to cut our pay cheques...

...or to make another rapping peanut costume?

I can't believe what I'm hearing. Wanna go to heaven?

Walk away, more for us. I'm an accomplice now.

I'll only get into heaven by turning you in.

But what about your restaurant? What about your kids?

Ms. Bennett, when God talks to you, what language does he use?

Because in my experience, when he thinks you deserve something...

...he drops it on you like a ton of bricks.

All right. But if we're gonna do this, we're gonna do this clean and safe.

We're gonna move these to my restaurant...

...sit on them until we know they're cold.

Price them through a third party and unload them in a single score.

None of that nickel-and-dime crap. I don't wanna leave a trail.

Yeah, great. Yeah, great.

Wonderful. Okay. Let's count these babies up.

Yeah, great.

When we were kids...

...Anthony and I would play Time Machine.

We would go, "Oh, no. We're in barbarian times.

Quick. Back to the time machine."

And then we would run back to the time machine.

It's true.

That's why Abed is like a brother to me. You guys are alike.

I can't accept that based on one story.

Rachel, did you tell Annie about your Waterpik?

I suppose now is as good a time as any.

I own a Waterpik.

Annie has one too. You guys care for your teeth same amount.

Share a bathroom, it'd go smoothly.

Anthony could fix our cabinets. Rachel used to mop floors at Kmart.

This a real conversation or are we bugged by the feds?

Abed.

Sidebar.

What do you think happens after you die?

I don't know. You're lucky.

Stop trying to sell me on Rachel. Stop pitching Anthony.

You're like ice cream cake. Overkill. We need a roommate.

I vote Rachel. Anthony.

Flip a coin? Coins create parallel timelines.

Rock, Paper, Scissors? That's a nine-sided coin.

What about Pile of Bullets?

You wanna decide on a roommate...

...with a 1993 Old West-themed VCR game?

Rachel or I win, Rachel moves in. You or Anthony win, I'll surrender...

...count down days until he eats me. All right, it's settled.

Is this working? It's a handshake in progress.

Who wants to play Pile of Bullets?

Not me. You have to.

We don't have to. Not okay. We do have to.

One day we'll tell you why.

For now, let's simply retire to the TV area.

For the highest stakes 1993 interactive VCR game...

...of your entire young adult lives.

Okay, let's see what you got.

Yeah. Okay.

I know somebody that knows people.

I can get you a price per book, find a buyer and make a deal.

For half. That's ridiculous.

I'm assuming more than half the risk.

Half is fair. Not really.

Because they're ours, all 100 percent of them.

Giving you half is not fair, it's silly.

Okay, good luck. You wanna re-blindfold me?

I know we're in E-9 in the east wing.

I know that because it smells like weed.

Not my weed.

Look, I'm willing to give her half.

You can have half of Jeff's share. Not what I meant.

You're offering her half of the total.

Either half of all of our money or half of your share.

Either way, you walk with about 16 percent.

Not fair. Damn right.

Here's what is: 25 percent for each of us.

Take it or leave it, Britta.

Legalize it Don't Chang...

Hey, guys.

Hey.

Look, if something sketchy is happening, I don't care.

So I'm just gonna back out...

...of the room now and... He can't leave.

No! No!

I didn't see anything. I did not see anything.

Britta, find some rope. I've got rope.

"Each player starts with six bullet tokens...

...10 gold certificates, and a colour-coded posse token."

There's two types of tokens?

I'm sure we'll figure it out.

Howdy.

You look like a real group of gunslingers.

Everyone in town's mighty scared what with all the gold and the outlaws.

Only one of us can make it out alive. Are we robbing the town?

By now, you should have your bullets, your gold...

...and two Wild West tokens each.

Hang on to those tokens no matter what.

There's two kinds of tokens. Two each?

Now, when you hear the word "draw"...

...or see a square with a colour or number matching...

...one of you or your opponent's cards, the first one of you to say "bang"...

...wins the challenged player's token and the amount of their bid in gold.

What's going on? Ready?

Yes? I'm not.

We supposed to be bidding? Draw!

I bid. Rattler.

Bang five. Bang?

Bang-bang five. Not bad.

Collect your tokens and let's get on to the next round.

What you doing? He said, "collect your tokens."

He can't see you. Didn't Abed shoot whoever's five?

Draw!

Odd-numbered players, give up two cards! Draw!

We have numbers?

Okay. Okay, I don't think we're doing this right.

Sure this is a game and not some art film?

What do we do? Rewind, start over.

Okay, I'll allow it.

No, it's okay. We gave it our best shot, no?

I'm sorry, Rachel, is this your home?

Oh, God, no, I'm sorry.

We're playing. But it doesn't make any sense.

Sounds like Anthony wants to forfeit. He doesn't. Don't forfeit.

Rachel, we can do this.

Just focus, okay? Okay.

Okay.

Howdy. Howdy.

I love textbooks. That's why I stole these.

All right, knock it off. What?

You gotta make it sound believable or you're not getting out of here.

I'm trying. Try harder. Go.

I love textbooks.

That's why I stole them.

Look at this one.

Stolen textbooks are the best kind.

I stole all these books and put them in this room so I could come kiss them.

That's all, thank you.

Please, I'm on parole.

Exactly. So keep your mouth shut or we'll send this file to everybody.

What do you mean "everybody"? Everybody.

I can't do this anymore. What?

I'm out. It's too far, it's too evil.

Look, you guys can split the money.

I'm just gonna leave quietly.

Goodbye.

What the hell? What the hell? Yeah?

I can't let you leave until we're done.

This is not what God wants you to be doing today.

We had our chance to think about that. He dropped this like a ton of bricks.

Right, Hickey? Oh, yeah, definitely.

Not to say that this isn't getting insane.

Blackhat Bill sure ain't the forgiving type.

You! Green player! Yes, partner?

You can do better than that. Yes, partner.

Pick a player that you wanna draw. I choose Anthony. Draw a card.

Keep this for when you're in quick draw.

Rachel, your turn. What do I do?

You roll. Here.

There. My turn. Stop. Snake bite. Lose a turn.

Anti-venom.

I'll take two. Draw!

I bid five bullets. Eleven. Six.

Pass. Reverse.

Hold it!

Did you remember to say "yee-haw"?

Anyone that didn't loses a turn.

Collect your coins.

I'll trade you two snakes for a bullet. Just say yes.

I don't wanna die. Stop her, Rachel, stop her.

No. Bid five.

Tornado! Tornado!

Nine, tornado.

Pass. Seven. Reverse.

Two tornado. Pass.

Double. Draw!

Come on. You son of a bitch. Come on.

Come on, come on. Come on, come on.

Come on.

If one of you rolled your bullet number...

...you're the winner.

Fast-forward to the red screen to get your gold.

Well, more food for the buzzards.

Looks like modern times...

...have come after all.

See you in the city.

I wanna go home.

Me too. We have to play again.

Abed, I think you're having one of your special times.

I'm gonna give you space. Want you to move in here.

But that's not resolved. Anthony might move in, so...

We want one of you to live with us. Settling it with Pile of Bullets.

That is not an explanation...

...that should make anybody want to live here.

I don't like this side of you...

...and I do not like that side of VCR technology.

I am glad that it's a dead medium.

That was very uncomfortable.

I don't really know how girlfriends work...

...but I don't think you have one anymore.

Okay, cool. See you there. I'm meeting my guy in an hour.

He wants to see a sample, set a price then do the exchange.

Oh, brother. Britta doesn't know how much she's getting...

...from this guy none of us will ever see again. She knows one thing for sure.

She'll be right back with it so you can divvy it up...

...even stephen.

Man, that's rich. What's supposed to stop her from robbing you guys blind?

What are you gonna do, call the cops? I'll go with her.

Oh, yeah. Good plan. Leave Hickey, two of you do the deal.

Yeah, what the hell? When did I volunteer for Guantanamo duty...

...while you two traipse off...

...to the Cuban equivalent of Las Vegas?

Havana, right?

Don't listen to Jeff. He's trying to divide us.

Says the woman who's willing to take care of the cash by herself.

As if you're Mr. Trustworthy.

Why do you have so much access to rope?

You're the one who left the door unlocked so Chang could get in.

You didn't do that on purpose? Guys. Guys.

Calm down. I'm sure we can work this out.

We just need to stay cool and talk it through.

I'm sorry.

That didn't work out the way I planned.

I'm sorry. But you didn't leave me any choice.

You were acting poorly, I didn't know if I could trust you anymore.

You dragged me into this.

I didn't want this.

You're packing? Yeah.

You're leaving? Yeah.

Because of last night?

Yeah. I just think there's some unresolved issues here.

You're right.

I'm still really hurt by Mom turning her back on me...

...when I went to rehab.

And I guess part of me was mad at you...

...for siding with her...

...so I thought you moving in here was some kind of moral victory.

What? No. Unresolved issues involving the black guy in all these photographs.

Troy? Hey, I don't know his name, man.

I just know he's clearly left some kind of vacuum.

And screw you. What did I have to do with Mom?

I was 13.

Hey. Hi. I'm here to do my third-act apology.

I don't think... Wait. Don't reject it...

...until the whole thing's been served up.

Open your locker please.

Hey.

Hey. I wanna tell you something.

This is adorable.

Just because it's adorable doesn't mean it's not important.

Listen. I've been accelerating our relationship.

I've been worried I wouldn't pass a lot of the tests.

Because I thought if Annie was around...

...I'd have less chance of screwing up. You're not screwing things up.

That's good to know.

The problem with me will always be that I can never know for sure.

Not a huge amount of people in my life that haven't eventually kicked me out...

...and I don't always see it coming. I don't want it to happen with you.

Don't manipulate me, don't keep secrets from me...

...and we'll probably be okay.

Cool.

It stopped raining.

Yeah, it sure did.

You hired a stunt person.

No, I did not.

Where'd you get these?

They were an inheritance from my father.

He was a collector.

How many? A hundred and twenty.

Well, for the whole bunch, maybe 20. Thousand?

Dollars. $20,000?

Twenty non-thousand dollars. Regular dollars.

Might get that from a recycling place. These are misprints. Check page 105.

Well, I can't because there's no page numbers.

Well, that would be a problem.

You know, "Class, turn to page..." "There is no page."

"Oh, well, if there's no page number, you can't turn to it, so..."

I have better things to do with my life.

Though we haven't been saying it...

...Troy was an important part of our apartment. He kept the peace.

Yeah.

Going a little crazy without him.

Maybe we need to live with a therapist.

Or at least someone crazier than us.

Let's give Craigslist another try. Craigslist is the way to go.

You guys all wearing the same clothes from yesterday?

We've been through some stuff. We learned something.

No, we didn't.

We learned that sometimes there's no lesson.

How's that learning? We played Pile of Bullets.

Get this meeting over with? How'd the cleanup go?

Don't step, don't step to me I like coffee and water Don't step to me Damn it, I lost it.

I lost it!

Okay. I will get back to you. Thanks.

Who was that? They want me...

...for that Wild West videotape board game thing.

Pile of Bullets? Yeah.

Devon, you pick up that phone now and tell them you want this part.

These VCR games is where everything is headed.

Can't you see that? You just became the Luke Skywalker...

...of the new Star Wars.

We've gotta move. We do?

Oh, yes, indeedy. We have got to move to Los Angeles.

But I work here.

Oh, please. You call Apple Computers work?

What kind of company offers "stock options"...

...as a Christmas bonus?

That ship is sinking.

Sweetie, remember when we were talking about trying cocaine?

Yeah.

I think we should start looking for some right now.

Because we're gonna be able to afford it.

Okay. I mean, if you're sure.

I've never been more sure about anything in my entire life.

Pile of Bullets.

Pile of Bullets.

Oh, yes.