Community S6E13 Script

Emotional Consequences of Broadcast Television (2015)

School's out, bitches!

Congratulations, Greendale students.

We've pulled off another year and we're still standing.

Take that, health inspector, building inspector, foundation inspector, water line inspector, geologist, exterminator, plumber, and dad.

Whoo-hoo!

Abed.

Why bring a metronome?

I thought the sound might accentuate the anxious idleness of our last meeting's final seconds.

Good job. Bad idea. Okay, that is done.

Yeah! Whoo!

There's more.

This one is exciting.

We have to rename the Save Greendale Committee due to the fact that Greendale is done being saved.

You think that's more exciting than summer?

Oh, am I stealing your rays, dude?

Come on, it's neat.

Our mission is finally accomplished, once and for all.

So what do we call ourselves now?

The Accomplishers. The Obsoletists.

Stephen King's Dreamcatchers.

Susan.

You guys are rebelling against yourselves, you get that, right?

The current trend in branding is unique, simplistic, phonetically memorable gibberish.

How about Nippledippers?

I like Nippledippers.

You guys... Okay.

Ooh, Nippledippers.com is available.

Grab that mother. Done.

Nippledippers, listen up. Text from the Dean.

"Don't leave yet, I'm almost there.

"Special celebration.

"Just finished entire semester

"without wearing a single silly outfit."

Ah.

I hadn't even noticed. Good for him.

Uh-oh. Oh, ah.

Hey, everybody.

I made it.

Obviously, I binged pretty hard there after the bell rang, but I made it.

Are you guys going out to celebrate or something?

Maybe I'll tag along.

It's been a tough year. I could use a drink.

We were gonna go to Britta's bar whenever Mother Time is willing to call it a year.

Okay, fine, we're done!

Happy summer. All right!

Whoo!

Nippledippers drink for free!

I'll pay for my drinks. I'm not acknowledging that title.

Someone owes me 10 bucks for the domain.

I won't be able to join you.

I got to get on the road to California.

I got a job through Linkedln.

What? That's crazy.

People use Linkedln?

No. Linkedln hired me to help figure out why people don't use it.

Also, I have an old lady-friend I went to high school with who just became unmarried last week, and I thought I'd look her up.

Wow, you work fast.

Or actually, very slow.

Either way, good luck. Are you coming back, Elroy?

I think so.

Probably.

Maybe.

Have a great summer.

Whoa!

♪ Give me some rope Tie me to dream

♪ Give me the hope to run out of steam

♪ Somebody said it can be here

♪ We could be roped up, tied up, dead in a year

♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay

♪ One by one they all just fade away ♪

Do you guys think bar scenes always have to start on a billiard shot?

Or do you think every time someone takes a shot in billiards, they start a new bar scene without knowing it?

What? You can just say, "Shut up, Abed."

Okay, ask me if I'm coming back.

Uh, are you coming back?

Yeah.

Probably. Maybe.

I mean, what was that, right?

That was an Irish goodbye.

Let's give it an Irish wake.

Six years, guys.

Nippledippers.

Nipplerdippers.

Where's Annie?

I mean, no offense to you guys, but she's the only one that gets me.

She said she had an interview.

Six years.

Six seasons, right, Abed?

Don't put a nickel in him. Stop mitigating everyone.

So, Abed, what happens in season seven?

Oh, man.

I don't know how likely season seven is.

I mean, what show ever peaked after season six?

Simpsons, Seinfeld, South Park, Friends.

Those shows weren't hemorrhaging characters every year.

Oh, I don't like that word, hemorrhaging.

I'll see what I can do?

What if Shirley came back?

Would that change your disposition?

Shirley could get us back on formula but I don't see it turning us around.

Sorry, what's our formula?

Well, basically...

♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay ♪ I have a placeholder so setup it make analogies look like punchlines.

My setup lacks awareness.

But my punchline doesn't know.

Abusively cynical one-liner dismissing everything you just said.

Absurd reaction!

You guys, can we put in a pin in the B story and focus on the A story?

I don't trust A stories. Never have, never will.

I had a setup about a story that was so placeholder, the punchline came five words early.

And I can tag it, too. Ooh.

I'll just take a moment to explain the risks involved in all decisions made from here until eternity.

Who the hell are you? I'm Frankie Dart.

Is this combination gonna work?

Not my place to say. Abed?

Lizard. Fire hydrant.

Obama. Chang!

You know, I put time into what I do, wardrobe-wise.

Yeah, see? Shirley, no Shirley, what does it matter, right?

Abed, we're not formulas.

And if I had no self-awareness, I think I'd know.

Things have a certain structure to them, you know?

If we stray from it, we're weird.

If we stick to it, we're boring.

Yeah, but isn't that more about the shape of your brain, Abed?

I mean, no offense or anything, but isn't the shape of your brain kind of fucked up?

What's your season seven pitch?

My pitch for your fall semester at Greendale is that everyone is nice and has fun and grows together.

Shirley or Elroy?

See, that's racist, man.

Shirley or Elroy? That's racist.

How about they both come back?

How about there's a whole third black person.

Where do they all sit? They, uh, well, they sit wherever they want to sit as of the 1960s.

Uh, ah, they... They sit...

Just pitch it. Don't pitch it.

I'm pitching it.

♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay Guess what? I made something.

I made a belt, with fabric.

How cute is that?

Well, I think that's, uh, very cute, so, uh, oh, and I love you guys.

I've got... I'm angry and you should vote or don't vote.

Sweet hallelujah, these are good times, baby.

Good times, girl. Good times.

Hey, I thought of something.

You know, we should go to the, um, uh, to the, uh, to the... To... To the market.

Yeah, we should.

But wouldn't that be, like, a thing we saw and didn't we do that?

So, shouldn't we be more ashamed and clever and make everything more difficult?

Yes, and I think we should be deeply sad.

And I'm nuts. But I'm happy.

And I'm happy, too. And...

You know, hallelujah, and church, and singing, and street wisdom.

Stop. Crazy and racist and terrible!

I agree. You're being way too linear about this.

Shirley, Elroy, Troy, Hickey, living in the past.

Season seven don't need no past.

What are you pitching? Don't pitch.

This is my pitch.

♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay ♪ All right, that includes all notes and business as it pertains to the files.

How you guys doing? Britta, how you doing, girl?

I'm cool. It's all good.

Annie, you looking fine. Thank you.

Hey, what about me?

Hey, everybody, look at me!

I'm Ice Cube Head.

I've got an ice cube for a head.

I also eat cell phones so you better be careful with those cell phones around me because they taste like prime rib where I'm from.

Oh, boy.

Imagine the times we'll all get in together.

Especially when I use my powers to help solve all your problems.

Pew, pew. Ah!

Pew, pew.

Pew, pew.

Oh, oh, pew, pew.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, it's getting crazy in here.

All right, I'm going home. What?

Guys, we just finished year six, and it was hard work, and I don't want to care about Greendale, and I don't want to spend my brief moment of humanity doing conceptual riffs developing the imaginary TV show of our lives.

By the way, terrible improv.

Ice Cube Head? You were just looking at your drink.

Busted.

Annie?

I got the internship.

I got the internship.

I'm gonna intern for the FBI!

I leave in a week. I'll be in D.C. all summer.

You're leaving the nest.

Can I have your bedroom? If you don't come back.

If you don't come back.

Well, I'm definitely coming back.

Probably.

Maybe.

♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay ♪ Okay, the next order of business.

Mr. Winger, Garrett's holding Leonard's hand again.

Garrett, stop doing that. I'm checking for a pulse.

Hey, hands off the Leonard-dise.

Question, when can we start the next paintball game?

I don't think you can force it.

Lots of things can be forced.

Like a human head through a six inch drainpipe.

What? I'm just kidding, pal.

Okay, did anyone on the Sustain Greendale Committee do any of their assignments this week?

Scrunch?

Sorry, bro. I don't work for you.

You work for me.

I'm the tech billionaire that bought this dump and cuts your paycheck.

If you can call that a paycheck. I've seen more zeroes over Pearl Harbor.

There were hundreds of 'em.

The sky was black with smoke and bombs.

Double-click this, Winger. It's your job to work.

It is our job to party.

And hatch hare-brained schemes.

And get laid. And get laid!

And eventually leave you here as well.

Jeff, you okay?

Huh? Oh, uh, I was taken aback.

It's big news.

What have you guys been doing?

We were just looking for ways to make season seven work.

I mean, we got through six seasons.

I mean, what's up with that? I mean, where's season seven?

We got to figure out season seven.

Or maybe we could just hang out.

♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay ♪

Sorry I'm late.

Last night was so insane, it made the Insane Clown Posse look like the Well-Adjusted Clown Posse.

It must be hard work running away from your own age.

Has anyone seen my e-cigarette?

There should be a charity for people like you. Thank you.

I don't know if I can keep making the commute from here to the FBI Headquarters.

Britta, Abed, I'll have to move back in.

I moved in with them.

Chang, we have files. Moving out.

You seem stressed, Annie.

Are those last few criminology credits you need hard to get at Greendale? Please.

The only credit hard to get at Greendale is from a bank.

It's just, they have schools for this stuff at Quantico.

Being with you guys is great, but why is this a good choice for me?

Why doesn't the audience feel sorry for me?

Britta, your parents have been murdered.

By whom? The police won't touch it.

They're calling it a double suicide.

Britta, I got this.

You're proposing a version of the show in which Annie comes back and it hinges on the murder of my parents?

It's a placeholder.

I'm just saying, there's always gonna be a need for law at Greendale.

You remember the Ass Crack Bandit?

Yeah.

Do I re... I mean, doesn't everybody?

Could've been anybody. This diaper thing?

What is it with this diaper thing?

Is it about shaming me?

Do you really want a bunch of people dressing you?

It would be polite to try.

It's nice to see you interested in this stuff, Jeff, but I wouldn't watch that season. Me neither.

You want to know a perfect season seven?

♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay

♪ One by one they all just fade away ♪ Well, guess what, Senator.

You were allowed to call us terrorists before we moved to international waters, but we're a nation now, so I guess this is fucking war.

Annie, I'm gonna need you to go to Washington.

I'm scared. Be more scared than that.

Britta, the protestors are scared.

They need you to talk to them.

They should be scared, but they shouldn't need a leader to tell them what to do.

We're all born free into a world of lies.

But let's talk about you for a second though.

Well, I'm not a joke anymore.

I'm strictly transgender. I'm not all this other stuff.

I represent the transgender community, and it's a real thing.

I am not crazy, but I do have flaws.

I'm smart... "All this other stuff?"

Glad to be of service, Britta.

I want my diaper back.

I don't even own a TV, and I wouldn't watch that.

Oh, yeah? What's your pitch?

Oh, well, I-I mean, it's not that complicated, is it?

Hello. Hello.

Hello. How's everyone?

Hello. I have...

We could learn about science or history.

It's set in a school, after all.

Why aren't we learning?

And I know that's not enough, so...

And so on.

Boo!

It's possible there is more skill to it than I thought.

Yes! Yes! Yes! There is skill to it.

More importantly, it has to be joyful.

Effortless.

Fun.

TV defeats its own purpose when it's pushing an agenda or trying to defeat other TV, or being proud or ashamed of itself for existing.

It's TV.

It's comfort.

It's a friend you've known so well and for so long.

You just let it be with you.

And it needs to be okay for it to have a bad day, or phone in a day.

And it needs to be okay for it to get on a boat with Levar Burton and never come back.

Because eventually it all will.

I'm fine.

I know.

It's not just that.

It's such a classic mistake, but I got really attached to my pitch.

I had a soundtrack in my head and everything.

Well, I agree with Abed.

And I have an effortless pitch.

Hmm.

♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay ♪ So, how's this semester's crop of apples looking?

Well, bruised but not rotten.

Asian kid in my math class doesn't want to study because he doesn't want to be a stereotype. That's pretty funny.

Sounds like a strong B story, and I can say that stuff without throwing anyone because I teach TV Appreciation.

Chang, you could send that student to me and we'll make it more serious.

I'm the school shrink, I can wear these glasses every episode.

Well, you are super-hot in them. Yeah.

Very hot. Mmm-hmm.

This gives me a more solid reason to interact with you than a stupid committee.

By the way, I'm a lesbian.

It's why I haven't hit on Jeff.

Mmm. Well, here's my deal.

I teach criminology, but look.

It's the original Annie. Ah.

But I'm grown up and I'm hot, but not little girl hot.

And I'm happy and we're all together and it makes sense.

We might just live the good life yet.

Hey! Dean.

Dean Jeffrey. Dean Winger.

Dean, I told you not to come into the teacher's lounge.

You're supposed to be in Dean Class.

How can I learn to be dean if I can't hang out with teachers?

Ah, we're supposed to be shaping minds but we keep shaping each other.

Bring it in.

In this version, would you tell me what to do a lot?

Am I on meds in it?

I'm mellow and relatable. I like it.

I would love to teach at Greendale.

And I do miss wearing skirts.

Once you swallow the horse pill-sized contrivance, it would open up new areas and dynamics.

And it's evergreen. Well, great. That's settled.

How do we make it real?

Annie, maybe you should start looking into education classes?

You too, Abed.

Well, I should probably tell you guys that I'm moving to Los Angeles.

What? What?

Yeah, like a real TV executive, I was letting you guys work your ass off because there's no profit in saying no to an idea, but now that it's time for me to commit, I have to pass.

I got a job as a PA on a Fox show set in a video game studio.

It's like 30 Rock meets IT Crowd meets, well, me.

I'm growing up. Aww.

That's so great, Abed. Congratulations, Abed.

Congratulations, Abed. But you're coming back, right?

Maybe.

Probably.

Maybe.

But six seasons and a movie.

Jeff, I know it comforts you to look at things through that meta lens, but this is reality.

TV's rules aren't based on common sense, they're based on a studio wanting to milk their properties dry.

Here, here. Cheers to that and cheers to Abed.

Cheers. Cheers.

♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay ♪

What? Jeffrey?

Hey? Oh.

And so on.

Annie? I'm home.

Hey, there.

How was your day? Did anything funny happen?

Ah, who cares?

How was your day?

Good. Sebastian did some drawing.

Sebastian. Let's look at him.

Sebastian! Sebastian!

Aww.

Back to your child area. Aww.

Yeah!

I love you.

Are you okay?

Is this really what you want?

Of course.

I mean, I'd be fine with a dog too, but whatever you want.

Do you have any idea what I want?

Yes?

How'd you get in here?

Well, I hold the spare keys so the Dean would stop leaving them under the welcome mat.

You left... weirdly.

Yeah, there's no normal way to do anything now.

Yeah.

You're gonna be fine, you know.

I don't want to be fine.

I want to be 25 and heading out into the world.

I want to fall asleep on a beach and be able to walk the next day.

Or stay up all night on accident.

I want to wear a white T-shirt without looking like I forgot to get dressed.

I want to be terrified of AIDS.

I want to have an opinion about those...

...boring-ass Marvel movies.

And I want those opinions to be of any concern to the people making them.

Well, I want to live in the same home for more than a year, order wine without feeling nervous, have a resume full of crazy mistakes instead of crazy lies.

I want stories and wisdom, perspective, I want to have so much behind me I'm not a slave to what's in front of me.

Especially these...

...flavorless, unremarkable Marvel movies.

They are so not a big deal! I know!

It's just all there is.

Yes! And you get to say that!

I could screw myself if I say it, but there's pressures on me you don't have to live under.

If you accept that you're older.

And let the kid stuff go.

I let you go, Annie.

With my hands, and my head.

The heart, which cynics say is code for penis, wants what it wants.

But I let you go.

The others are coming, so I think you should kiss me good-bye or you might regret it for the rest of your life.

What about you?

I'll regret the kiss for a week.

I'm in my 20s. Who cares?


Ooh, are we interrupting?

Stop being gross.

Are you guys doing an unauthorized finale in here?

Not cool.

Abed, I know it gives you comfort to see everything through that meta lens, but we were just saying good-bye to the room.

For season six.

Season seven, who knows?

It's out of our hands. Too many variables.

Cool. Cool, cool.

Cool, cool.

Cool.

That was one cool for each season.

Wait, do it again, I want to try something.

Cool. Cool, cool. Cool.

Oh.

Cool, cool.

I farted during the fourth one.

It's an inside joke.

I'm gonna miss you guys. Gay.

You know what I think everybody should do?

As a humble outsider that came in and nailed it, I think everyone should imagine their own personal version of season seven and not share it with anyone and then maybe it'll come true.

No cutting to any of them.

If you cut to it, it won't come true.

You just stopped being a study group.

I hereby pronounce you a community.

Brianna, you're the driven idealist.

Kaylee, you're the fiery, passionate one.

We might have a fun no-stringsy thing.

And Mackenzie, the kooky, nerdy one.

And Hallie, the other nerdy one.

You guys should be best friends and have pillow fights.

And there's Phoebe, the wise one.

No? You're nerdy too?

Okay.

And the rest of you other redhead ones, and we're gonna have some pretty crazy times.

And eventually, you'll leave and be replaced by new ones, and that's something I'm equipped to handle now.

I'm sort of a hero that way.

We can cut to them at home though, right?

I mean, by ourselves? Sure.

I love that I got to be with you guys.

Gay. You saved my life and changed it forever.

Gay!

Thank you.

I'm gay.

I'm for real gay.

I'm legit gay!

♪ Oh, there's a river

♪ That winds on forever

♪ I'm gonna see where it leads

♪ Oh, there's a mountain that no man has mounted

♪ I'm gonna stand on the peak

♪ Out there's a land that time don't command

♪ Wanna be the first to arrive

♪ No time for pondering why I'm a-wandering

♪ On while we're both still alive

♪ To the ends of the earth

♪ Would you follow me

♪ There's a world that was meant for our eyes to see

♪ To the ends of the earth would you follow me ♪

This is the show. Right? Right.

Community!

The hit show is now a hit board game.

More like an I'm bored game. Shut up, Leonard.

You look like a German puppet maker and smell like the inside of a church.

Blah, blah, blah, commercial VO describing the rules of gameplay.

I like you, Winger. As a friend.

Ooh. Ooh, snap.

Sorry, Britta, but that friendship just got a benefit.

Collect all the other players' identities and be the first to figure out if the game is part of the show or...

I got it. The whole show is happening inside this game.

Then explain this.

What is it?

It's a script of a fake commercial at the end of season six starring this family.

Sorry, Dad.

Guess I win.

You stupid child.

Nobody's winning anything.

Don't you see?

This means we don't exist.

We're not created by God. We're created by a joke.

We were never born and we will never actually live.

Dice not included, some assembly required.

Lines between perception, desire, and reality may become blurred, redundant, or interchangeable.

Characters may hook up with no regard for your emotional investment.

Some episodes too conceptual to be funny, some too funny to be immersive, and some so immersive they still aren't funny.

Consistency between seasons may vary.

Viewers may be measured by a secretive, obsolete system based on selected participants keeping hand written journals of what they watch.

Show may be canceled and moved to the internet where it turns out tens of millions were watching the whole time, may not matter.

Fake commercial may end with disclaimer gag which may descend into vain, Chuck Lorre-esquei rant by a narcissistic creator.

Creator may be unstable. Therapist may have told creator, "This is not how you make yourself a good person."

Life may pass by while we ignore or mistreat those closest to us.

Those closest to us may be those watching.

Those people may want to know I love them, but I may be incapable of saying it.

Contains pieces the size of a child's esophagus.


Did you get any of that?