Community S6E2 Script

Lawnmower Maintenance & Postnatal Care (2015)

Chomsky, come here. Come here, Chomsky.

Abed, I'm really sorry.

I told you cats don't like me.

They consider me a competitor because of my natural stealth and ambivalence.

Uh-oh, did she get high again and forget she doesn't wear contacts?

Before Britta moved her cats into our apartment, she wanted to introduce them to us on neutral ground.

One of them scratched Abed and ran under the couch.

Oh, I'll get it. Cats love me.

What? Are you sure? Mmm-hmm.

Hello, there.

Well, she is... Is it a he or a she?

He. Well, he's really got his teeth in my flesh right now.

Okay, he's touching bone.

I'm just waiting for him to finish up.

Not a lot I can do at this point.

This was a pretty big mistake.

Okay, I guess he's done.

Oh! Ooh!

See you tomorrow?

I'm pretty embarrassed about this.

Chomsky...

I didn't know Britta was moving in with Annie and Abed. That's...

Expository? Yeah.

Britta's fallen on hard times, and our apartment is the cheapest game in town.

Abed, it's a little embarrassing when you put it that way.

Britta's a rich genius with superpowers, and she's gonna live on our sofa for no reason.

Oh, no, dinosaurs! My tax documents!

Facts about Native Americans!

Just kidding.

Guess what I just purchased for the school from a local manufacturer?

Greendale's first virtual reality operating system.

Did Greendale need a virtual reality system?

Uh, like a hole in the head.

A hole in the head is something that you don't need.

She said through a huge hole in her head.

Didn't VR go out in the '90s?

The last people I saw using it were in the Honeycomb Hideout.

Ah, we mock what we don't understand.

We also mock what's silly. Jeffrey.

Abed, you're more machine than man.

You want to give me a hand setting up the equipment after lunch?

We're all gonna help Britta move into our place today.

Jeffrey?

Britta, something's come up. I'd love to.

Oh. Yeah, yeah.

At least you don't have to bust out your usual excuse.

You don't know for sure that I'm not a veteran, and nobody can say for sure that today isn't Veterans Day.

Hi, I got bit by a cat.

Chang, we know.

Why are you guys and all these books in the nurse's office?

♪ Give me some rope Tie me to dream

♪ Give me the hope To run out of steam

♪ Somebody said it can be here

♪ We could be roped up, tied up, dead in a year

♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay

♪ One by one they all just fade away ♪

Dean, where did you get this and for how much of the school's money?

Oh, relax, my little bean countess. Don't worry about it.

You pay me to worry about that.

Oh. "And how much do I pay you?"

That's you. It was only

$5,000.

What?

Frankie, jack me up.

I would like to see this company's website.

Can I use your computer?

Sure.

Have fun in the Stone Age while I step into the third dean-mension.

Width?

Read the instructions, Analog Man.

"When entering virtual reality, "you should calibrate the system by looking at your own hands, "then turning them over

"and looking at the backs of them with a sense of wonder."

Roger that.

Welcome to the VirtuGood 6500.

Oh.

Initiate calibration. My God!

It's... it's incredible.

I can see all around.

Oh!

Let me take a closer look at these structures.

I...

Oh!

I'm walking.

I am walking.

My God.

I know what this is.

Yah!

I set the time zone.

I... set the time zone!

And my phone does that automatically.

I'm gonna see if I can make the font bigger.

The font is larger, and Jesus wept, for there were no more worlds to conquer.

Thank you guys again so much.

I know that I already owe you money, but I want you to know that I got a new bartending job with better hours and free corn nuts, which I feel like have a small but significant resale value.

I feel like everybody's talking about that haircut I gave Vicki, so...

Aww, Britta, it's okay.

Am I... Do I do this too? Okay.

This is gonna be good for all of us, right?

It's like a fresh start.

Oh, did you guys get a new couch?

We got it for you. It has a pull-out.

You guys!

I wanted a Murphy bed for shenanigans, but the cost-to-shenanigan ratio was too high.

How did you guys afford this?

Ah, don't worry. We got a good deal.

"For pickup, Perry." Why is my name on here?

Because we got it for you.

And we told the sales guy that, so...

So he put your friend's name on the delivery slip?

That seems weird, right?

Roommate movie night! Roommate movie night, yay!

Portuguese Gremlins. Portuguese Gremlins, ooh.

It's Portugal's answer to Gremlins if Gremlins' question was, "How can you totally rip us off

"without spending any money and having watched us maybe twice?"

Chi-chu chi-chu!

That's what the Portuguese gremlins say, right? It's close enough.

Chi-chu chi-chu!

I did it.

It's 2:39.

That was the time when you started setting the time.

It's 20 minutes later now.

The power, the facility.

Jesus wep...

Stop saying "Jesus wept."

Dean, here's something fun you might want to try.

Let's see if we can find the serial number to this system.

Oh, that could be fun.

So go to Settings.

Is Settings the volcano or the cobbler's workshop?

It's a monastery.

I feel the power!

Huh!

Welcome to Settings.

Ah. Oh!

The majesty, the filing cabinets.

You're looking for one called Purchase Info.

These cabinets would never be this easy to climb in real life.

This is the future of scrolling!

My world is officially boundless.

I'm here.

Inside that drawer should be a file called Serial Number.

I've got it!

All right, now you just have to print that file out.

You can do that by dragging it to the Accessories and Peripherals castle and planting it in the printer garden.

What's so funny? I mean, besides everything?

I have no intention of returning this system.

On the contrary, I intend... To keep it.

Dear God.

Ah!

Delete.

One file selected.

Oh, hold on.

File sorted.

What? Oh, come on.

Come here, you little...

Hyah!

Shh, shh.

Don't fight it.

Just let go.

File deleted.

Jesus wept!

He deleted the serial number.

Jeff, help me out here.

I don't get paid enough for this.

How much do you think you're gonna get paid if I have to find 5 grand in the budget?

You're not the new Annie.

You're the new Abed.

Don't know what that means yet.

So are the gremlins supposed to be the good guys in this version?

The blue ones are, the green ones are bad, and the red ones are kind of like isolationists.

It's a metaphor for World War II. Ooh.

Um, I will be right back.

I left something in my car.

Oh.

Hi, yes.

I picked up a sofa from your store recently.

The last name is Perry.

Mmm-hmm.

What?

Are you strong or angry?

My parents?

My parents bought that couch? Explain yourself.

Well, are we... Okay.

They kind of reached out to us on Facebook.

What? You know I don't talk to them.

Well, yeah, that's why they talked to us.

They knew you wouldn't let them help you, at least not directly.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

You needed our help, but we needed their help to help you.

That's why we were able to get you such a good deal on the rent.

They're supplementing my rent too?

You make them sound like monsters, but they're actually really nice.

Well, they are.

My parents are horrible people.

You're being dramatic. Oh, yeah.

That's what people say when they take your soul and they rip it out of your chest and then shove it in your mouth!

I got bit by a cat.

Yes, I will create more worlds here, and those worlds will have worlds!

They're file folders. Stop calling them worlds.

I found an address.

Elroy Patashnik, founder of VirtuGood Technologies.

All right, I'll go see if I can get the school's money back.

You keep white Morpheus inside the matrix.

Jeff. Britta, you look distraught.

You have 10 seconds to tell me it's not about stupid politics.

I just found out that Annie and Abed have been cheating on me with my parents.

They've been sabotaging my life from the shadows by paying off my debts and buying me things.

Oh, thank God.

What... "Thank God"?

The charade can finally end.

Now you know everything you thought you owed us you can actually just owe to Deb and George.

"Deb and George"?

You know my parents too? Since when?

I don't know, since thousands of dollars ago?

I'm bad with dates.

I remember the New Year's glasses having zeros for eyes, and when did Stella get her groove back?

You've all been lying to me for years?

What kind of friends are you?

Poor. We're poor friends, and you mooch off us because you're too proud to use your own support system.

What kind of friend are you?

And having met them, what were you rebelling against?

Was it generosity, whimsical game nights, or delicious lobster bacon mashed potatoes?

You ate their potatoes? You... you don't even eat carbs.

I eat love, Britta. Hot, delicious love that you were willing to wipe your ass with.

Oh, my God, I have no friends.

Can we not be so dramatic about this?

There are people in this world with serious problems.

Chang, go see the nurse.

I'm trying.

Yeah? Elroy Patashnik?

Who's asking? Well, that's always a yes.

Nobody ever says, "Who's asking?" to the wrong name.

They just say, "That's not my name."

When my phone rings and I say, "Hello," and they say, "Is Pablo there?"

I don't say, "Who's asking?"

I say, "Wrong number."

You're a clever young man.

I'm 40. Come in.

So...

You sold a VirtuGood 6500 to Craig Pelton at Greendale Community College, and we need to return it.

I'll need the serial number.

He deleted the serial number because he loves the system.

So what's the problem?

The problem is, in order to copy a file, you have to throw a fireball at it, then absorb the fire, then drop the flaming file into a crystal lake, then take out both copies and throw them into the side of a mountain.

Worlds within worlds.

That doesn't mean anything.

I can copy a file by holding my finger down on a phone.

Oh, so can a monkey.

Now, you're describing a system for animals, terrestrial slobs bound to the Earth by their meaty feet.

I designed a system for gods.

Oh, come on, you know what you've done.

You know how lame virtual reality is.

You know the damage it caused mid-'90s cinema.

I mean, Michael Douglas walking around like a jackass, moving files with a magic glove?

And Lawnmower Man... Did you see Lawnmower Man?

You bet your sweet ass I saw Lawnmower Man.

I consulted on it.

Took Brigitte Nielsen to the premiere.

We were building worlds within worlds.

And now you're living in homes within campers within parking lots and using an iPad to clearly design what looks like a rip-off of Angry Birds.

Get out. Get out of my Winnebago!

You're not allowed to say that like it's a punishment.

Pssh.

I know what it's like to lie for a living, Elroy, and you should know it feels better to stop.

And my feet aren't meaty.

Britta, honey.

An unexpected treat.

This is a check for all the dirty money you've used to control and monitor me without my consent.

Well, we're not gonna cash this.

Well, you can't. I postdated it a year.

And in that year, I'm gonna get a new job, new friends in a new city where you and your spies can never find me.

Oh, please, don't do this.

What choice do you leave me?

Who acts this dishonestly towards their own daughter?

What choice do you leave us? Yeah.

Every time we get too close, you run off.

We sent you a birthday card to your apartment in New York, and the next week, you're setting fire to a Jamba Juice in San Jose.

How long is that gonna stick with me?

Until arson is legal, sweetie, but your father's point is we've arrived at the closest relationship you can tolerate. Mmm-hmm.

We've learned after a decade how to love and admire and finance you from afar through your friends and... And the social media.

Tinder and the like.

It's called Tumblr, Dad.

No, I mean Tinder.

It's a matchmaking app, and by the way, if you were on Tinder, your mom and I think you would be the prettiest.

Absolutely. The boys would be swiping right.

Or girls. Yeah.

Whatever makes you happy. Totally.

What has happened to you two?

Who are these doddering, open-minded geezers?

Where are the people who wouldn't let me dress up like Prince for Halloween, or told me that the cat ran away because I tried alcohol, or had me drug tested when I was 11 because they said I was "laughing too much"?

We are definitely sorry about all of that stuff.

Quite frankly, we don't remember that stuff.

It's true.

Woodstock, oh. Oh, my God.

I remember Woodstock!

Woodstock was amazing. We had the...

But... but you have to realize, Britta, that your Woodstock... Yep. Yeah.

Which was us being bad parents...

Mmm-hmm.

That has more to do with you, so that's what you remember, see?

Yeah, mmm-hmm.

Where are they?

I'm sorry?

Get out here now!

Britta, let me explain.

We were worried about you, so we just came over...

You can explain to each other in hell!

Friends don't visit each other's parents!

I hope you... have... a wonderful... life!

Oh.

George, George, yes.

Britta, at least take some money and fix your car.

Or at least get a cab, or there are apps we can call where strangers pick you up. I don't want your help!

Stop infantilizing me!

Hey, stop!

Stop! Get out of here.

Hey!

Green Machine... Nice.

Here, Greg. Here, take some cash.

Holy crap.

What's her problem?

She's growing up.

Yah!

Yah!

Oh, my God, I put a tilde on this N.

I can do any... thing!

Any luck?

Oh.

I'm going home.

Oh, and to warn you, he joked about wanting a pee jar earlier, and it's gradually becoming less of a joke.

Hey, Dean, I'm coming over, and I'm pulling you out of there.

I'll bite you. I'll beat you up.

I'll like it, and then I'll fire you, and then I'll get right back in it.

Well, still get to beat you up.

Hold it. Hold it.

Who is that?

I recognize that baritone voice and the scent of Tic Tacs with a tinge of Naugahyde.

It's Elroy Patashnik.

The Architect.

Listen, I've come to tell you something very important about this system.

It's lame.

What?

I wasted your time with it and 10 crucial years of America's time.

I'm giving Mr. Winger your refund.

I don't want a refund.

I want to stay in here forever, and you can't stop me.

Die!

Hyah, hyah, hyah, hyah, hyah, hyah!

How long has he been in there?

Four hours?

Oh, I was thinking weeks.

Ha! Yup!

This guy runs your school?

To use a phrase I coined in the '90s,

"I'm going in."

You coined that? Oh, yeah.

Lock and load.

That's mine too.

All right.

I'm awake!

Oh, my God! I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

What are you doing in my car?

I didn't have anywhere else to go.

Nowhere else but my car?

Do you know how big the planet is?

What is going on, Britta?

My friends... they all think my parents are adorable, and they think I'm the bad guy for hating them.

But I have a right to hate them, 'cause I had to be there when they sucked.

Yeah, Jimmy Fallon Syndrome. I get it.

I had that with my parents too.

You did? Yeah.

You know, one of the most unfair lessons we're forced to learn is that our parents are human beings.

We want to think of them as gods or demons, because then that would make us heroes, but, ugh, give me a break. We all suck.

What can I do to help you tonight, Britta?

How many quarters were in this cup holder?

The same amount.

Ahh... yeah.

Calibrated. Welcome.

No! Go away!

Preferences. Grow.

No!

No, no, let go of me!

Do you really want the power of a God?

Yes, more than anything!

Should I order dinner?

A lot of good delivery places are closing.

I know how you feel.

The sadder reality, the less real we want it.

I just want to be a good dean.

I can give you a device that will accomplish that.

Oh.

You can use this to manipulate worlds with the flick of a wrist.

My God, it's incredible.

Now!

Ahh! What's happening?

No, I want to go back in!

I want to be back in!

I want to be...

Here, here, here. Here's your power.

Here.

Now, manipulate worlds.

Yeah.

He'll be back to his old self in an hour.

Great.

Do you have a way to fix that?

♪ It's in the way that you use it ♪

Seriously, though, thank you.

And... ooh.

Britta, we were so worried.

What happened to the kid's Green Machine?

What? I don't know. I ditched it.

Where and how long ago?

Okay, I assume that's not what's important here.

Britta, we... It's okay, Dad.

I have something that I want to say.

I ran away from home at 17 to become an adult, but maybe all that did was leave a part of me stuck at 17...

The part that tends to run away when I'm confronted with the truth.

The truth is good, Britta.

Mom, shut up!

Frankie taught me something important.

It doesn't matter how mature we are or what resentments we carry.

All that matters is that we're all going to die.

You have a lovely home.

Thank you. So we're really getting our daughter back?

Yeah, but it's not gonna be that big of a deal.

I mean, you guys missed the good years.

Now it's just gonna be margaritas, Pottery Barn, fighting our family's tendency toward obesity as we slide into oblivion...

First you guys and then me quickly thereafter.

Well, I'll drink to that.

Oh, Britta. Hi, Mom.

Oh. Abed.

Benjamin!

I got bit by a cat, Deb.

I'll get the antibiotics.

Thank you for the refund, Elroy.

No, thank you for one last taste of what it was like when my work was valuable.

Oh, it's still valuable.

Here, $500 for the taste I got of being powerful.

Dean, the school can't afford 500...

Wait for it.

I have no idea what to do with the rest of my life now.

We offer a wide variety of classes.

Hmm.

And that, my friend, is The Greendale Effect.

I'll never get out of here, will I?

I haven't met many that do.

Let's walk arm in arm.

There are times when change needs to be different, and there's changes that are more the same.

But the same changes don't tend to be different than the changes that came before.

If you change everything that's different, sometimes you find out... You're back, Troy.

Everything's still the same.

As for me, I'm just changing... Everything that's different.

Change.


Chi-chu chi-ch...