Community S6E3 Script

Basic Crisis Room Decorum (2015)

Oh.


Oh, my God.

How stupid can I get?


Brr.

Meow.

Meow.

♪ Give me some rope Tie me to dream

♪ Give me the hope to run out of steam

♪ Somebody said it can be here

♪ We could be roped up, tied up, dead in a year

♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay

♪ One by one they all just fade away ♪

Annie, if you're not dying, I'm gonna murder you.

I had to remove my night cream.

It's $200 an ounce.

It's 3:00 a.m. in the fricking morning, Edison.

What gives you the right to haul us in here?

Chang, how did you even find out about this?

I have a right to be here.

Hi!

Why are you so awake?

I have a theory about this. Britta may be secretly twins.

No, I was working. At the bar?

Does that mean you're drunk?

Uh, could a drunk person do this?

Hi, everybody.

Jeffrey.

Okay, 41 minutes ago, I received this email from a friend that interns at KZBC.

The TV station?

No, the unrelated, totally random combination of those four letters.

Meow.

"Subject, heads up.

"Annie, still going to Greendale?

"Thought you should know, "City College is running a negative ad

"about your school at 7:00 a.m.

"Heard it's pretty bad."

Let me see that.

City College is running an attack ad?

That's a first.

They're getting desperate. Our registration numbers are trending upward.

Because the population keeps growing and no one here ever graduates.

Actually, our numbers are up because of improvements Frankie's made.

Those improvements were only possible through your hard work, Annie.

Oh, get a boardroom.

Interesting. When were you gonna share the whole truth about this and not just the parts that suit you?

What?

"P.S. I was glad to hear Brenda's doing better"?

Huh? Huh?

Eh...

Just because City College is scared doesn't mean they're not dangerous.

Is there anything in particular they could smear us with?

Nothing in particular, just overlapping clouds of many thousands and thousands of things.

Let's not forget the Brenda factor.

There isn't a Brenda factor.

He says she's doing better. Better than what?

Her thyroid condition. Can you focus?

Can Brenda? Probably more so now.

Okay, we need to see this ad before it airs.

I'm working on getting us a copy.

I have friends in the A/V department at City College.

Ooh-Ia-Ia. The brotherhood of A/V exists beyond your petty factionalism.

We serve only Video, the one true queen, and her faithful consort, Audio.

Could you guys be bigger nerds?

No, most of us have achieved our maximum potential.

Well, Annie's right.

We do have a situation here.

So we will make this our situation room.

Yes, we need white boards, cork boards, laptops.

A bunch of clocks with different times on them, a red phone, a big tabletop map with little Nazi tanks and or a Godzilla.

The ad airs at 7:00 a.m.

That means we have...

4 hours and 13 minutes to figure out what they're throwing at us and how to respond.

You know, it's the darnedest thing.

I think Britta somehow crapped in my pants too.

Better head home.

Jeff, you can't just leave a situation room.

It's only a situation room because she called it that.

I mean, I could declare it a... cookie room.

There are no cookies.

There is a situation.

You guys, where's the Greendale spirit?

Where's the pride?

I'm fine. Found it.

She was wandering around campus without pants.

What's going on in here? Situation room.

What's the situation?

Brenda's got a bad thyroid.

I'm sorry to hear that. You can keep the pants.

I'm going back to bed. I'm going with him.

I'm gonna watch. Got it!

Downloading it now.

You work hard to earn your degree, and your school should work hard to make that degree valuable.

So why is Greendale Community College giving degrees to dogs?

In 2001, a Staffordshire terrier mix named Ruffles took up residence on Greendale's campus.

By 2008, Ruffies had earned a bachelor's degree.

Not a two-year degree, a four-year degree.

Where will you get your degree?

If the answer is Greendale, prepare to get boned.

Paid for by City College. License 264392.

Did we give a degree to a dog?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God! Okay, it's okay. It's all right.

So this is Greendale, not City College?

I'm gonna get more pants.

They've been calling me in to do more stuff lately. It's pretty exciting.

Well, trust me, we'll be lucky if we get in three words before...

The first step is to pool our facts...

The most important one being...

Dean Pelton, did Greendale Community College give a degree to a dog?

I seem to recall...

No, no way.

There's absolutely no way. Not that dog.

That dog?

You remember the dog.

Was it enrolled in classes?

Mmm...

How are these hard questions?

Why are these the questions you're asking?

You don't want to know if a dog got a degree here?

It's not important.

What I want to know is, did a dog get a degree here in any way that can be proven?

Ooh, I like that, Jeffrey.

I don't like that.

I like the truth.

Play lawyer on your own time.

This is my own time.

You wanted me invested?

Well, this dump cuts my paychecks, and I've got three hours to defend it.

So how many seconds of that should I waste on truth?

Which is an artificial construct that rarely holds up in court and has never changed the outcome of a fight.

I'm sorry you have to see him like this.

Well, he is right about one thing.

If City College can't support their claim, it's libel.

We can have the station pull the ad.

But that is precisely why the truth does matter.

The Brenda Paradox.

I found the dog.

I also found a lot of people's Social Security numbers.

You know, this Internet's gone too far.

This says she's registered as a border terrier.

They said Staffordshire in the commercial. Isn't that something?

I mean, we've known this animal 30 seconds, and she's already unreliable.

Who is the real Ruffles? I'm sorry.

Our strategy is to go after the dog?

Our strategy is denial, which includes discrediting the source.

Abed, can you make one of those attack ads?

Jeff wants me to make an attack ad.

So why is he a pedophile?

Just demonstrating the formula.

You can refine your technique as you go.

I want to know everything about this Ruffles.

She thinks she went to this school, fine.

But maybe she thinks cat turds are delicious.

And maybe she barks just a little bit more at black mailmen.

And she's spayed now, but how many puppies are out there?

If you do this, we're no better than City College.

We've never been better than City College.

We gave a degree to a dog.

Allegedly.

This conversation is privileged.

I could do a Banksy-style stencil of a dog and spray-paint it all over the school.

That sounds great, but first, why don't you go get a bunch of coffee, drink all of it, then go get some more and bring it back here?

I actually love that idea.

I'll go with her.

She's wearing my pants.

I know this is crazy, but I'm gonna go check the school records to see if, you know...

We gave a degree to a dog.

We didn't. That's good.

You guys go find that truth you love so much.

If it's the kind we can use, bring it back.

If not, you know, stuff gets lost.

No, no, bad!

We are better than City College.

We always have been, which is why I know that we did not give a degree to a dog.

I say we fight fire with fire.

City College try to embarrass us?

We should embarrass them, right? Right.

I say I go to City College with a camera, shoot a really gross porno movie on their campus, and put it online.

Fine. Cool.

Wait, what?


Honestly, I couldn't care less if they gave a dog a degree.

Me neither.

In fact, I kind of hope they did.

Why is that? I don't know.

They all treat me like I'm a joke.

But if a dog got a degree, that means we're all a joke.

Whoa...

Natalie is Freezing?

You know them? Yeah, of course I know them.

But how do you? You're...

Black? No, old.

Oh, I'm sorry. I just meant that...

When I was into them, I was, like, 15.

I was, like, 40.

I never really listened to music when I was growing up.

I was in my own world.

But one day at work, I heard this sound.

It was Pillar of Garbage.

Oh, that is their best song.

Best song.

I got it right here.

Would you play it? Yeah.

♪ Moonlight

♪ Bleeding glass and healing needles

♪ Amputated hearts are never whole

♪ Too bright

♪ Dreaming as the screaming seagulls

♪ Feed on parts of me I keep below

♪ Oh, oh

♪ All right, take off your belt

♪ Let me go to where your feelings

♪ Glide overhead

♪ But below I've fallen dead inside

♪ The-doo-doon ♪ You know what?

You know, those guys are gonna need coffee if they're gonna keep that dog from having a degree.

There are things at stake here.

I get that now.

I found the smell.

Someone filed a taco.

Things that will otherwise get filed straight to my thighs.

Hmm.

So, I know you agree with me that we need to find the truth, but do you agree that the truth won't be horrible?

I'm not psychic, Annie.

That's an illusion caused by extreme preparedness.

But what do you hope is true?

Oh, God, no, I never hope.

Hope is pouting in advance.

Hope is faith's richer, bitchier sister.

Hope is the deformed, attic-bound incest monster offspring of entitlement and fear.

My life results tripled the year I gave up hope and every game on my phone that had anything to do with farming.

What's true will be true, Annie.

Our job is to deal with that truth.

You sound a little like Jeff.

Jeff said I sound like Abed.

I wonder if Britta thinks I sound like Chang.

I assume Chang thinks I sound like distant explosions and crying babies.

You know he's unstable, right?

Yep.

Oh.

A transcript for Ruffles.

You think that's our guy?

I do.

Oh, my God.

So many classes.

See what hope does?

Screw you, Frankie.

I'm sorry, Annie.

But I don't think you're seeing this for what it is.

It's a transcript for a dog.

A really, really long one.

It's proof that Jeff was right.

This school has no value.

Yeah, but this folder has no degree.

Look.

What's that?

Victory.

You know, within the context of Greendale.

Would it be better if we... No.

Never know until you try.

Never know until I try. what?

I said, "We're quite a team."

Here's the coffee.

Let me know if there's anything else I can do to help.

We could use some fresh eyes on this cut. We could?

Has anyone told you you're difficult to work with?

Everyone in your line of work.

This is Ruffles.

She'd like you to believe she's a college graduate and a good girl, but Ruffles is anything but.

When Ruffles moved into her neighborhood in 2007, dead squirrels went up by 17%.

Coincidence? Ask this bunny.

Ruffles stole cookies from a Girl Scout, impersonated a lobster, has had 27 children with 5 different fathers, and according to one local doctor, has worms.

Ruffles might claim she doesn't.

Ruffles claims a lot of things.

Maybe that's why Ruffles once spent time on death row.

Ruffles, not a lobster, not a student, not a good dog.

Paid for by Humanity Versus Ruffles.

I originally wanted the voiceover to be a James Earl Jones impersonator, but the James Spader impersonator turned out pretty good.

I do wish he'd leave, though.

You really let that dog have it. Yeah.

Which I realize is important now.

Right, is it okay if I crash on the...

Yes. Yes.

What are you doing? Nothing at all.

I wouldn't say that.

You just put five huge cans of olives next to me.

Just something I felt like doing.

This isn't the first time you've done this.

I'm really confused by this.

Is it code for something?

I don't know.

And I don't care.

Jackpot, relative to Greendale.

Oh, my God. Look at the course load.

This dog was an animal.

Most of them were attendance-based.

How is this good news?

"Unpaid library fees, $15.

"Diploma withheld until payment remitted."

No degree.

The commercial's a lie.

I'm gonna call the station right now and have them pull the ad.

Eat crap, Ruffles, and not just your own.

Guys, let it go.

What are you talking about?

The sad truth is that a dog can get a degree here.

Yeah, but the happy truth is, none did.

There's a difference between truth and honesty.

Library dues?

Who cares?

Ruffles put the work in, relative to Greendale.

That City College ad may be technically a lie, but it's really dishonest to kill it on a technicality.

And dragging this dog's name through the mud?

That's worse than dishonest. That's evil.

Evil?

I'll cop to silly.

Some things are silly and evil, like candy cigarettes.

And remember when Flavor Flav had that reality show?

I don't own a TV.

Honestly, I think the most honest thing we can do right now, the only thing that will make us better than City College, is to let that ad run and take our lumps.

Annie, this started with me sleeping and getting yelled at for not helping.

If it ends with you yelling at me for not sleeping, that's not a story.

That's a German art film.

Let it go. I am a female student being physically overpowered by a male teacher!

Damn it. Britta, get her.

Frankie, get her.

Annie, sweetie, think about this practically.

If being better than City College means letting them destroy us, what is the point?

If surviving means being like them, what's the point?

Why not let one school die and enroll at the one where my grades matter?

If those are your terms, if the price of that transcript is you transferring...

We accept.

Personally, I hope you're bluffing.

Yeah, well, here's what hope gets you.

Hope and $1 .49 will get you a candy bar.

Buck 79.

Are you serious? Jesus.

Have fun with your lying, cheating... dog-smearing, truth-blurring... trouser-swapping school!

I remember when candy bars were 50 cents.

If someone said, "Hey, I just joined MENSA," or "I consider myself a postmodern this or that," you could say, "Yeah, that and 50 cents

"will get you a candy bar," or "That and a quarter will get you a phone call."

It was easy to be unimpressed back then.

I mean, it was literally cheaper.

Elroy, we're kind of bummed out right now.

Annie just left.

Oh.

Were you guys close?


Abed, I don't want to talk right now.

Okay.

Just so you know, the Greendale ad is gonna go up anytime now.

Thought you might want to see it.

You know I don't want to be a part of that.

Just trust me.

This is Ruffles.

Ruffles was a student at Greendale Community College.

She came really close to getting a degree, which means two things.

She's an exceptional dog, and Greendale really needs to get its together.

We're working on it.

We're working hard. And the good news is, when you work hard at Greendale, no matter who or what you are, it pays off.

Right, Ruffles?

Oh, Jesus.

Greendale Community College, you're already accepted.

You guys!

I knew you wouldn't do that to Ruffles.

You hoped.

I hoped, and it worked.

Hope points.

Hope points.

You do understand that what we did was also just the most prudent tactical move, getting in front of the scandal, Letterman-style.

Yes, Jeff, don't worry.

I promise I'll never mistake you for having a heart.

Kiss City College good-bye.

I did it.

Did what? That stuff we talked about.

Who are you? I'm the plumber.

Why? Here's why.

Oh, my God.

Is this pornography?

Doy.

You're the only actor.

So?

What kind of lens is this? Who cares?

You might be a genius. Why did you do this?

What parent is gonna let their kid go to this school if a porn got shot there?

But you shot it in front of a plaster wall. That could be anywhere.

And you're wearing your Greendale t-shirt.

Okay, genius.

But the title is "Chang Does Greendale."

Oh, wait.

Re-shoot.


I often think about that night.

Such a small event, but ultimately the moment that would lead me to becoming oyabun, highest leader of the Yakuza.