Basic Email Security (2015)
Ugh, damn it.
Come on. Oh, Elroy.
Computer no worky.
Please don't do that.
Computer no worky.
Did you forget your password again?
Pelton, I can't keep track of all the parakeets you had growing up.
This is different. No matter what I do, I get the same error. Which one?
"You have been owned by Elite Fleet 69.
"Our hacks are all up in your systems."
I'm not bothering to pronounce them, but there are a lot of Zs being used.
Is there another Mask movie coming out?
The school's been hacked. What?
How can we stop it? It's too late. It's happened.
Uh, no parlo hablo too late at Greendale, Elroy.
There's always something that can be done.
You know, I wasn't gonna say anything, but you could cut the hardline at the mainframe.
Get out of my way.
I have to cut the hardline on the mainframe!
Clear a path to the mainframe!
I have to cut the hard... line.
You were being sarcastic.
Yeah, but you should look at this.
"Cancel your offensive performance.
"You know the one we mean.
"We have all your information.
"If you do not cancel this hateful comedy show, "you will taste our power in this way."
There's a link. Don't click it.
Or what, the green skull will get a virus?
It's the lunch lady's emails.
It's all the lunch lady's emails.
Which lunch lady?
The hot one?
You mean the one who serves the hot food?
Mmm, that's the one.
♪ Give me some rope Tie me to dream"
♪ Give me the hope to run out of steam
♪ Somebody said it can be here
♪ We could be roped up, tied up, dead in a year
♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay
♪ One by one they all just fade away ♪
Please tell me you guys aren't sitting there reading the lunch lady's leaked emails.
No one here could ever do that.
I mean, not even in shifts. It's decades of data.
I'm reading the Greendale Gazette's highlights of the lunch lady's emails.
I found a torrent of all the highlights if you don't want to wait for the ads to load.
Abed, that's stealing.
Those ads are there so the Gazette can pay people to go through the lunch lady's emails.
Not to get too liberal, but once they're online, does anyone really own the lunch lady's emails?
That's why the future of the internet is branded content.
Wazzledazzle.com's got five Bacardi cocktails inspired by the lunch lady's most embarrassing secrets.
You guys are violating her privacy.
Uh, I'm pretty sure the media's doing that, Britta.
We're just reading the news.
The police are here about our computers being hacked.
Hi, guys. I see a few familiar faces here. A few new ones as well.
No, just gonna keep the cop you've known for five years at arm's length. I get it.
What have you boys been able to figure out?
Don't call us boys, and it's a unique case, because it's hard to decide what laws are being broken.
Unless you count the lunch lady's sex life.
Thanks. Thanks a lot.
Anyway, our city does have a cybercrime division, but it's... well, it's pretty new.
Any leads, Officer Warburton?
I want McDonald's.
Assuming you probably can't see from where you're sitting, it's literally a child in an adult size police uniform.
It's cute, but it doesn't help our situation.
So what do we make of the demands?
Well, we were able to find out a little more.
This message was posted online and signed "the hackers," and we assume it's legit because, well, that's just where we're at.
"Greendale, cancel the performance
"of the terrorist comedian Gupta Gupti Gupta, who seeks to spread hatred with his hateful comedy."
You guys booked Gupta Gupti Gupta?
Oh, my god, Dean.
He's renowned for his racist act.
How can he be racist? Listen to his name.
Well, the message says if you don't cancel his performance, what happened to the lunch lady's going to happen to everyone on the activities committee.
Ha, we don't have a...
Oh, God, that's us.
So what do we do? That's up to the school.
Now, I'm just a cop born in a small town, raised in the heartland, but I say cancel the performance, and give the government the sweeping powers it needs to detect and eliminate people before they turn into hackers.
Think that's all I've got.
How's everything otherwise?
Stoked for Avengers? Avengers?
I hear Marvel got really hands-on this time.
They really pinned in Joss Whedon creatively, so how could that go wrong?
Okay, see ya.
I guess I'm gonna call a press conference and announce the comedy is canceled. Wait, hold on.
Do your thing. Inspire them.
To do what?
To rise to the occasion.
To not let these hackers push us around.
Don't you guys think that we have an obligation here?
The cop says no.
Well, the cop say that your car trunk has something to do with 9/11.
They're not philosophers.
They're crossing guards with guns.
This is on us as a committee.
The eyes of the world are...
Aren't within hundreds of miles of this room.
Okay, how about the eyes of something bigger?
Aren't you an atheist? Don't you hate this government?
Are you even planning on going to see this comic?
Yes, pretty much, and of course not.
I was planning to protest him, but I can't believe I'm the one saying this.
For God's sake, we're frickin' Americans.
We're talking about freedom of speech.
It's the amendment so important, it's literally the first one they remembered to add.
For white people. With penises.
We prefer to be called people without color or vaginas.
Look, I know some things have gotten too simple, and other things have gotten too complicated, but we still have a legacy and a job in this country.
We're the colony so high-maintenance the British gave up.
We're so obnoxious, the French sent us a statue.
Nobody tells us to shut up, and yes, I know that our wealth is no longer distributed, and yes, our democracy has been hijacked and turned into a puppet show about two fake parties that are controlled by a cartel of monopolies, and yes, if our votes had any real power, they'd be illegal, but...
Britta! Freedom of speech acknowledged. Trust us.
Cancel the show and you cancel people.
Might as well bring dinosaurs back.
What? Let her finish.
Britta, you saw what they did to the lunch lady.
You want to guess how much better my emails are?
You want me to call a press conference and say, "Now do me"?
No. I'll do it.
Let them leak me.
I'm not letting you do this alone.
Someone has to be the last one to stand up, and now that someone isn't me.
I kind of zoned out and assumed we're standing to go see Avengers?
These guys are giving hackers a bad name, and hacker is already such a dumb name.
I'm not an idealist. I'm a pragmatist, and it's never pragmatic to piss you guys off, so fine.
Guys, this is so inspiring.
I guess just let me know how it goes.
No matter what happens, I'm with you, but... but don't tell anyone I'm with you. If you do, I'll deny it, but I'm with you here and now.
Not literally here and now. Right now I'm leaving, but I will always have been with you secretly.
The performance by Gupta Gupti Gupta will go on as scheduled tomorrow night, and we encourage anyone who believes in freedom to attend Mr. Gupta's performance.
Although, as a woman and someone with many Jewish and black friends, I will be deeply offended and petitioning to have Mr. Gupta banned from all campuses across America, but one thing at a time.
First, freedom of speech does not just apply to speech you want to hear.
Case in point. Am I right?
Stephanie, get my good side. Right here.
Oh, I'm being censored. I'm being censored!
Anyway, there's coffee and scotch in the corner. Screw the hackers, and long live Greendale. Yay!
All right, I'll see you guys at sound check in the cafeteria tomorrow.
And there is a good chance that we are going to be targeted, so nobody gets on the internet tonight. What do we say?
No peeking at the leaking.
Promise, promise, promise?
Thank you for backing me up a little.
Well, you turned it into the path of least resistance.
Deflect all you want, but you're putting your ass on the line for an ideal.
Well, maybe a fraction of a butt cheek on the line.
I mean, it's not like I use that stupid Greendale email for anything but porn subscriptions and improv show mailing lists.
What makes you think it's only your Greendale email they'll be leaking?
Because they hacked Greendale.
You have a computer in your office?
Do you check your emails on that computer?
You look at boobies on it?
They got it. They got everything.
It's Vietnam now, baby. It's Vietnam!
Anyways, like I said, thanks.
Word around school is our emails have been leaked.
Is that so?
Oh? The first you've heard of it?
I guess I heard some rumblings.
Hello, Jeff. Hello, Jeff.
I hear the hackers leaked our emails.
Yes. I heard something like that.
Should we help set up chairs?
Something was wrong with that one.
Hi, how's everybody doing?
I asked a damn question.
Fine. New look?
I'm glad you like it.
I'd hate to think my wardrobe wasn't passing muster with this group, so here I am in a brand-new outfit with an up-to-the-minute shirt.
Okay, I'm not usually the best at nonverbal cues, so I have to ask.
Is it possible that everyone here but me read all of each other's leaked emails?
I read it all! I read all your crap!
I have read everything you guys have ever wrote about me in an email, and you guys are the worst people in the world.
Screw you guys! Not cool!
Mean! Mean! Mean!
Point it at me and I will eat it!
What? I will bite your little finger off and I will eat it.
Then let's see you type more descriptions of my
"Houseguest era Sinbad wardrobe."
That's a direct quote from a really mean email I wrote about him, so now who's the bad guy?
Okay, how much of the leak did each of you read? I have a right to fit in!
Okay, stop it. Stop it. Why don't we all just admit that we...
I'm not admitting it. Oh, please.
Come on. Oh, Annie, get over it.
You had my blood tested for amphetamines?
You were extra jumpy last spring, and we had to double check to be safe.
I don't think I'm jumpy enough if my friends can steal my blood.
Oh, you gave it to us.
For that human genome project?
We only used half of it for that.
By the way, you're 1 % Neanderthal.
How can you judge anyone, light switch licker.
Like this. Ew.
You guys hear that sound?
That is the sound of the hackers winning.
Our school is out there right now pawing through our dirty laundry, laughing at us, waiting to see what we're gonna do.
Waiting to see who wins in the battle between terror and cool.
We got to be cool, man.
We got to be cool...
and set up for a show.
Abed, if you wouldn't mind, please, checking the sound system. No problem.
Unless you're too busy telling your girlfriend I don't understand Donnie Darko.
Annie. I'm cool.
I'll set up the box office.
Oh, oh, or will me opening a box office unfairly influence wagers in your betting pool about my sexual preference.
We saw this one coming, and we are so sorry.
Oh, that cuts it. The word "sorry" fills that crater right to the brim, yeah.
Oh, boo hoo, your friends are curious about your night life.
We kept it among friends.
You told human resources I was a "functional alcoholic."
I am required to file a report on every teacher, and if you throw another tantrum, I will revise yours.
To what? Nonlethal murderer?
Armless javelin thrower?
What in your unqualified, buzzword-bloated, little red schoolhouse of a brain is a functional alcoholic?
What in your brain is a "chapstick lesbian"?
To me? 300 bucks, unless you care to refute it.
My sexuality is of zero concern to my job and to everyone here.
I swear, if you people were trapped on a tiger-infested island with no food or water, you would judge every ship that came to save you.
How do the tigers survive without food or water?
Oh, it's not cute, Annie, and I read your entry in the pool.
Was your goal to win or just be disgusting?
I had to pick last!
Yeah, well, we all read about ourselves in your weirdly long melodramatic emails to your sister, who you might notice never responds. Take a hint.
I pretend to write her emails as a journaling device, you wretched, invasive little gremlin!
Okay, why don't we just call that rock bottom.
Check one. Check two.
Well, well, well.
It looks like Jeff Winger ought to pay his car insurance, and Annie's book club has a meeting tomorrow.
Where did you guys find the bad stuff?
Maybe... maybe what we all need to do here is have everyone in the room address and own one thing that they know is out there. No blame. No shame.
Just an explanation.
Now, I'm sure by now you've all seen the emails between me and the Patterson family of Herndon, Virginia.
Not me. No.
I received their first letter as part of a family email chain Christmas of 2007. I don't think you owe us...
Although I didn't understand why they had written me, I responded politely.
When I realized they had somehow mistaken me for their cousin, for some reason, I suppose it was loneliness, I simply failed to disabuse them of that notion.
Well, that's... I've come to love Barb and George and Jelson and Riselle and even Uncle Paul with all his flaws... and even though our relationship is based on a lie, for me it's one of the realest I'll ever know.
I hope you don't think by explaining that you're off the hook for the 3D models you've been making of our bodies without our permission.
That's what those photos were for?
I'm making a game about lady time travelers.
Where, in your pants?
It's pretty creepy, Elroy.
Oh, you guys are so suave.
You're such gentlemen.
You and Chang have a daily email chain ranking Annie and Britta one and two.
By which you mean Chang emails me rankings every day, and I don't respond.
Uh, except for February 7, 2013.
Chang, "Britta is one. Annie is two."
Jeff, "Ha, yeah."
Jeff, gross, and, Britta, way to instantly memorize the exact date of your big victory.
Hey, silver and gold, ladies.
Ain't no losers there.
Okay, I think we're losing sight of what's important.
Says the woman suing her father for $80.
Tell it to your fake family.
Have you made any creepy boob models of Giselle yet?
Riselle is like a daughter to me!
But arguably more like a daughter to her parents.
Didn't you have your own family?
Oh, go write an astronaut.
Did anyone see Jeff's letters?
He writes to astronauts. Talk about creepy.
They're national heroes!
Yes, they are! Leave 'em alone!
Oh, this I got to see.
You know what I don't want to see?
Your exchanges with your life coach about the study group when we were dating.
Oh, and by the way, clearly not a life coach and absolutely just an Italian sociopath you met at a dispensary.
You two dated?
This was a study group?
Yeah, Chang was our teacher.
What? That's right, and frankly, haven't been well-utilized since.
"Dear Reid Wiseman, congratulations on your successful return to Earth."
A lady time traveling video game?
"How was Halloween in space.
"Emilio, I tried what you said."
"Dear Neil Armstrong, I love you more than my dad.
I would die if you gave me a hug."
Hey, guys. What?
This is Gupta Gupti Gupta.
Yeah, hi. Fine, whatever.
You guys okay?
To tell you the truth, Gupta Gupti, we've been through a bit of a rough patch.
Yeah, the dean was telling me about it, and I've been reading about it.
Hope you were entertained.
To be honest, I'm really grateful.
This is the first school in six months that hasn't canceled, so thanks.
I'm gonna go get ready.
We really did the right thing, didn't we?
Yeah, it doesn't matter what we read in the leaks or what we said to each other tonight.
What matters is that right now, here on this campus, the people are in charge.
Not the hackers.
Not the media.
Not the cops. The people.
Abed, go put on some music.
Elroy, Jeff, put out some more chairs.
Annie, get ready to introduce our star.
Chang, go talk to yourself in the corner.
Frankie, let the people in.
Hey, Neil. Hey.
That's the whole audience? I...
I can't do a show for one person.
Well, you kind of have to.
But I'd rather not.
Well, you have to, jackass, because there's more at stake here than what you'd rather do.
There's a new message from the hackers. Everyone, quiet down.
Abed, cut the music.
"People of Greendale, your activities committee
"has defied our demands, "and the horrible racist comedian
"is still about to perform."
Yeah, that's right. We beat you.
"If this performance goes on as scheduled, "all of your information will be published.
"If you do not want this to happen, "you will find a way to stop this performance."
Whoa. Stop, stop, hey!
Sit down, Neil.
You can stop me, but you can't stop the people from stopping the show.
You hear that?
Oh, my God.
It's the people coming to stop the show.
Oh, now what do we do?
We have to stop the people. Their freedom of speech depends on it.
Frankie, Chang, bar the doors.
Annie, introduce him quick.
I don't want to do this.
Listen, you piece of crap.
We've been to hell and back for you, so get up there and do your stupid act for freedom.
Ladies and gentlemen, he's performed at colleges and clubs all over.
Gupta Gupti Gupta!
Look, I see there's a lot of Jews in the crowd.
I mean, you know, there isn't, but usually when I do my act there's more, but you know, I have a whole Jew thing. I... Do it.
Okay, okay. Who's this guy?
Do not stop performing.
Okay, this guy. Look at him.
It looks like he ate so much. He's very fat.
Don't do this to me. Shut up and listen.
I see that you're fat, but are you also black or Jewish?
You know, it's hard to be fat when you're black or Jewish because when you're black your community steals all your food, so you can't eat as much, and when you're Jewish, nobody ever buys anything, so you can't eat as much.
You're damned if you do.
You're damned if you don't.
Oh, dear God.
The bastards did it.
They leaked the entire school's data.
Okay, so hey, fat guy in the audience.
Have you found anyone else you could love, like another fat person, or are you one of those fat people who will always be alone?
You enjoy my girlfriend in 2009?
As much as she enjoyed your plagiarized poetry.
I will kill you!
Don't act like you care about me!
I've seen all your cartoons about me!
I am this school's worst nightmare!
I am a Garrett with no soul left to steal!
Man, it's like Road Warrior out there, but if petrol were privacy and bad teeth were dirty secrets.
Good news. Neil's talking to us again.
He says he respects our moral position but not our execution.
Also he says he's never talking to us again.
I don't see how we can bounce back from this one.
This one? Yeah.
If you follow a theme of revealed secrets, the email hack is the third installment of a trilogy that began with Annie losing a pen in what I've come to call the golden age.
I'm guessing the second chapter would be when your best friend vanished on a mysterious boat trip after the older one masturbated himself to death?
If that's one you guys bounced back from, we might be okay.
What's the lesson here?
I always want to make sure I know what the lesson is.
I'm a completist.
The rest of the school's in shambles, so maybe we're more evolved and forgiving than them?
We already know that, stupid.
I feel more desensitized to jokes about Jews and blacks.
Is that good? Say what?
We know the pieces are privacy, freedom of speech, terrorism, and government, so the lesson is probably an ironic pairing like one man's privacy is another man's freedom.
Government is terrorism?
The only free speech is private speech.
A free government terrorizes privacy.
That's all four, bitches.
Terror is terrorized by...
Terry the Terrorist?
Tarry not, for terrorism terrifies.
Govern the government. Freedom of speech.
We caught the hacker.
This is Ryan aka "String Cheese Hustler" aka "Fart Mitzvah," "SkullandBoners88,"
"Frozen Sucked," "Captain Titty."
You don't need to know all his names.
He lives across the street from the campus, and he's got something he wants to say.
I'm sorry. For what?
For guessing your school master password was "change me."
How do you sleep at night, Warburton?
You were one of us. You were free.
No one's free when they're one of anything, and to answer your question, I sleep alone with one eye open.
That's why I'm not the one in cuffs.
Let's go, Fart Mitzvah.
Crime doesn't pay.
Crime doesn't pay!
I'm sorry if I used photography to digitally approximate some of your naked bodies.
It's all right.
It is? No!
Same as yesterday.
Big cloud of data raining over a pasture.
All 8 billion sheep keep grazing.
Is that good?
That thing you said back there about not being a part of anything.
Is that really how you feel?
It's not a question of how I feel.
I feel like flying, I don't jump off buildings.
Do you believe in God, Warburton?
You know, there's no rule that says we have to be friends, right?
How about common courtesy? You familiar with that rule?
Well, it's common courtesy of opposite values.
Common courtesy's just gibberish.
A spell we cast when hoping to cheat reality.
You're a cynical son of a bitch.
I'll give you that.
You know, my wife, she makes these dreamcatchers...
Shh. Shut the hell up.
How fast can you get us to the mainframe hardline?
Yankee doodle dandy.