Community S6E7 Script

Advanced Safety Features (2015)

Next item is Friday's alumni dance.

How's that progressing?

I've emailed ever former student who's not in prison or jail.

Everyone, remember, there's a difference.

Our alumni are touchy about that.

What's the difference?

You go to jail if a cop doesn't like you.

They can't send you to prison without knowing you're poor.

Do you believe half your own politics?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm still trying to find a good deejay, by which I mean figure out what makes a deejay good.

Or bad. Or different from a phone or laptop.

Chang, how's it going with the PowerPoint for the city council meeting?

Good question.

When you asked if I knew PowerPoint, I said...

"Yes."

But what did I really mean?

These are yeses and noes in a chart.

They appear to be the same. However...

I think you'll find...

that within some eggs... is the truth.

That should have been a dollar bill.

But I'm no magician.

I'm just a guy that knows PowerPoint.

Okay, pushing that meeting.

In other news, campuses across the country, including this area, have been seeing a dramatic rise in guerilla marketing.

Why do they need marketing? They're amazing.

Guerilla with a U. Got it.

I'm talking about undercover advertisers that blend in with the public while covertly marketing certain products.

They can advertise things without you knowing?

Is that legal? It sounds like brain windexing.

It is legal, and it's mostly harmless, but I would like to protect some of our more impressionable students from being unduly influenced, so if you see anything, let the Dean know.

Okay, don't freak out.

Someone just told me that Honda has released some kind of super vehicle called the Honda Fit.

It's a small car with a big personality that can handle anything life throws at you.

Why am I standing here talking about it?

I have to find a Honda dealer, school is canceled.

The Honda Fit! It's happening!

It's finally happening!

I'm just going to give the school's assets a quick freezie-weezie.

Is this meeting over?

I think so, but sometimes we just hang out and say funny... stuff.

Have fun with that. Oh.

Guys, do you feel like Elroy doesn't like us as much as we like him and each other?

He probably doesn't know his role yet.

I mean, is he Black Pierce, Old Troy, or Shirley Without a Giant Purse?

I haven't exactly been a whirlwind of entertainment since Troy left.

That's not true. No, you're amazing.

It's not just me, You guys have been boring, too.

Okay, I just gotta ask, what was so special about this Troy person, did he own a rainbow, was he the group's pharmacist?

We don't like to talk about it.

But you often do.

I'm a problem solver, give me information.

I'll handle this.

Troy was very gifted at steel drums.

Steel drums. Interesting.

Well, this has been a great meeting.

I'm off.

That won't pay off immediately, but it's gonna pay off. And that, Jeff, is the truth.

Did you lose the egg you put the dollar bill in?

That's how it works?

♪ Give me some rope Tie me to dream

♪ Give me the hope to run out of steam

♪ Somebody said it can be here

♪ We could be roped up, tied up, dead in a year

♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay

♪ One by one they all just fade away ♪

Britta, remember that guy who you were in love with, but your love was torn asunder because he was the human incarnation of a certain sandwich franchise?

Sub... Don't say it.

Don't ever say that name without compensation.

I know how much that experience hurt you, which is why I'm warning you that I just saw him in the parking lot.

Breathe.

The self-destructive part of you wants to run straight to him, but we need to be smarter than that, right? Right.

Thank you, Annie.

Now, I have one more class, but if you can wait I will meet you...

Nuh-uh.

See, I don't just fling myself into the wild.

The hub of a quality camping experience is a safe and reliable generator.

Uh, you know what? Um, I'll talk to you girls later, all right?

Stay inventive and enthusiastic.

Thank you. Britta.

Su... No, no, no, no. That's my sandwich name.

I'm my own man, now.

I'm a free, reliable, quality man... named Rick. Hi, Rick.

That's for half of my heart.

And that's for the other half.

And this is for being the reason there's two halves of my heart.

Can you actually crouch down a little bit

'cause your taller than my instructor and I'm only a yellow belt.

No, Britta. It took me this long to gain my freedom.

I never stopped thinking about you.

And you touched me in ways no one ever has.

Nice.

I came back for you.

You did?

Hey, Rick.

Look what I got.

Ho, ho, great, Dean.

Yeah.

But, uh... where's your Honda Fit?

Oh, I drive a CR-V.

And the Fit combines the efficiency of a subcompact with the versatility to take whatever life throws at it.

Yeah, that's what you said, that's me.

Can the CR-V not take what life throws at it?

Yeah, but the CR-V adds durability and storage.

Okay. That makes sense.

I bet my bank has a grace period.

I'm going to get a CR-V.

Dean, dean.

Are you guerilla marketing for Honda?

Shh! You're not allowed to know that.

I'm useless to Honda if anyone knows.

Unbelievable, it's the same story all over again.

I disagree. You know, I think it's a whole new story.

I have a beard now, and an identity.

Selling Hondas is just my job.

And they make great products that I'd want to sell anyway.

So can you have a girlfriend?

That's what I thought. Then see you around. As a friend.

As a friend, Britta, can I at least show you the CR-V's easy-fold down

60/40 split-rear seat?

For 15 minutes.

Then friends for real.

Great news! The steel drum thing paid off.

We invited Elroy to meet us in the study room for a game night.

He said yes! Ah!

Are you gonna play "Pretty Please Will You Like Us More?"

That'll warm him up. Better.

In celebration of Elroy's life peaking in the early '90s, The Ears Have It.

The classic game of whose ears you have, which ears have it and whether you have those ears.

Meow.

We're workshopping new handshakes.

You guys realize you're just reinforcing his aloofness?

If you want someone to like you, you don't get to know them.

You sit back and wait for them to notice you're cool.

What are you, 13?

What's the age limit on The Ears Have It? Seven and up.

Then I'm six. Ugh.

I will say you've become more reliable and durable.

Oh, I hope we can do this again.

No, Rick. I want a normal relationship.

I want to experience brunch in public.

I want a non-financial reason to text my parents.

I want to tell another person how to dress.

We can have a relationship.

We just have to follow a few simple rules.

Rick?

Are you in there? You have to hide.

The windows are fogged over.

Are you napping heavily? I can't hide forever.

No, but you can hide in comfort.

There's 35.2 cubic feet of cargo space back here.

Please, Britta.

Damn it!

Ah.

Come on, come on, come on, come on.

Ta-da!

Why choose when you can Hond-oose?

Oh, and that blower. That was just an impulse buy.

Wow, Dean, you know, one vehicle's enough for one person.

I guess I know that in my head, but I can't shake this fear of losing even one small part of what Honda has to offer.

My God. You're a Level Seven Susceptible.

A what? Uh, nothing.

Nothing, I... Look, Rick.

Whatever that is, you can tell me.

I'm on board.

Yes.

Hmm.

Yes, you are.

Am I found in Africa?

Yes and San Diego and the Bronx.

A woman? Am I large?

Am I an elephant?

I was thinking dolphin but I knew they didn't have ears because my dentist has a poster of one on the ceiling and I recently had a root canal.

Hey, party people. I could hear you all the way down the hall.

We're playing The Ears Have It. Chang's ahead by three pair.

With an asterisk. I'm cheating.

Here, you can have my spot. I should... I should leave.

Whoa! ANNIE: Oh, no! Oh, no!

Well, fun hanging out with you, Elroy.

We know you have your choice of friends and we thank you for choosing us.

Easy choice to make.

See? Told ya.

"Elroy doesn't like us, what are we gonna do?" You guys are goofs.

Yeah. We were silly.

I got up to make nachos, and Elroy said that was "not-cho" job, and we laughed.

Then he made them for me. It was more than wordplay.

It really wasn't my job in his eyes.

I hadn't seen that side of him until now.

He had a great time.

Until Jeff showed up.

Maybe he just doesn't like Jeff.

Okay, my deal, Boston rules. Two up, one down, elf ears are wild, joker ears are regular ears, ears go cold once they're off the head, rat ears are an automatic loss, no peeking, sniffing, or grunting, and no asking "do I have lobes."

Chang's ahead by three pair. With an asterisk.

It's not true, you know? Oh, it is.

I cheat my ass off at everything.

I'm cheating at a game of hide and seek right now.

We weren't supposed to leave the rec center.

Okay, let's do this.

Extra cards.

Stupid sink!

Every time!

Mother! I hate... oh!

Oh! No rush.

Hi. What do you need?

A club soda, please.

How about a little something in there to keep it company?

What do you recommend?

Well, scotch and soda is a classic.

This one's okay. We just got this one in.

It's got a pig on the bottle.

But this one, this one's really good.

It's aged eight years, smoky, from Scotland.

A little pricier but worth it.

I drink this one when I've got a reason to celebrate.

Well then, I will take that one.

I think I've got something to celebrate.

Oh yeah, what's that?

She's good.

What are you doing here?

Britta, this is my boss.

From Honda?

In public you will refer to us as "Hilary" from now on. Continue.

There's a program we can be in where we covertly market as a team.

We can be a couple in a relationship in public.

We can walk down the street holding hands.

If I take a job tricking people into buying things they don't want.

Do you enjoy billboards and commercials, Miss Perry?

You mean shill-boards and con-mercials?

No, I don't.

I detest them.

They are unmanned bulldozers rolling over everything in their path.

What Rick does is surgical.

He finds that part of each life that Honda can improve and gently bathes it in the most helpful information possible.

I don't think you understand how surgery works.

I came in here to get a club soda.

Right now I am drinking probably the best scotch I've had in years. Did you trick me?

Am I suffering?

Do you love this man?

I do.

Then I pronounce you a highly influential couple.

You may kiss your boyfriend.

Wait, where'd he go? Well, that's not for us to understand.

Well, okay, but he's right there.

Hi, Todd. Hey, guys.

Mind if we sit with you? Oh, yeah. That'd be great.

I have to say you guys seem very happy together.

Well, we have our moments.

I'm excited because we're going antiquing this weekend.

I love antiquing. Everything is so old.

I like it, too. You said you hated it.

I hated finding these treasures and not being able to fit them in the car.

Now I got a CR-V.

CR-V? Yeah, Rick's new Honda.

He won't shut up about it.

It's kind of a game-changer.

It's certainly a sex-life changer.

Sorry.

We're being obnoxious.

So what have you been up to?

I don't remember. CR-V, you say?

CR-V. CR-V.

You're amazing. You're amazing.

Honda's amazing.

I want you to meet my parents. Yes.

Honda...

Look, Britta's in love.

Yep. ELROY: He must be a very special young man.

I bet they'll be together for a very long time.

You got her pegged, man. Pegged.

Oh, hey, Jeff. Hey.

Hey, here. You can have my seat.

I was just going to class.

Oh, wait, before you go.

I know you have every one of Natalie is Freezing CDs, but Abed found some songs by them online that they did for a charity album for homeless skateboarders.

Plastic Doll Parts, Wallpaper Chrysalis, Weird Blanket.

I've never heard these.

This is great. Thanks.

Hey, stay away from that mechanic.

Unless I need a wrench made of licorice.

Oh, I'm... I'm sorry. Inside joke.

Man, I'm like a fart to that guy.

He can't get away fast enough.

What? No. I mean, maybe.

What the hell happened at that Ears game that made him like you so much?

A few brief moments of human vulnerability.

Not really your wheelhouse.

Oh, I'm sure you have detailed files on human vulnerability, Abed.

What... oh!

Whoa, take a knee, man. He's right, Jeff.

If you want Elroy to like you, maybe you need to put yourself out there.

You mean bribe him with gifts, like your Natasha Freezes CD?

Natalie is Freezing.

Ugh. Natalie is Freezing.

Natalie is Freezing.

Mmm-hmm. Natalie is Freezing, Natalie is Freezing, Natalie is Freezing...

What is this?

I don't know. I...

I don't know.

Honda. The power of dreams.

Dean Pelton, I know how susceptible you are to advertising.

Would you say I'm a Level Seven Susceptible? No.

Because why would I?

Because that's moon man talk.

You mentioned a new kid earlier who told you about the new Honda Fit.

Rick. Britta's boyfriend?

Yeah. But he's not... no.

He's a good man.

And he wouldn't secretly be working for Honda because when we first met, he was secretly working for a completely different company.

Are you... I don't know how to...

I have a rule about being constructive, so I can't ask any questions right now because all the questions that I have right now are rhetorical and they end with the word idiot.

Do you know what a rhetorical... no, of course you don't know what that is, you're an idiot...

I'm sorry.

I am so sorry, but you're so stupid.

You have no idea, and you're the only one who has no idea, because guess why.

Don't answer that. You'll get it wrong.

Aw, so dumb. You're just a dumb little man who tries to destroy this school every minute...

I am sorry!

I'm so sorry.

Oh! Oh, it's okay.

I mean it's not okay, but... shh.

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

Oh, so stupid.

Oh, shh, shh, shh.

Such a dummy.

We are just so thrilled that you brought a friend.

Thrilled. And it is "friend," then?

I mean, is that the correct moniker?

Boyfriend.

This is... well that's... whoa! This is very exciting.

Boy, you could just bowl me over with one of those, um, uh... sweetheart, you know, what are the, uh... you remember at the Johnson's cabin...

Feathers.

You could bowl me over with a feather.

Well, you have a lovely home. I love this carpet.

It reminds me of the quality floor mats in my Honda CR-V.

Oh, come on, sweetie, that's not necessary.

You refer to your floor mats as "quality."

I've never heard that level of floor-mat enthusiasm.

Should we be caring more about our floor mats, George?

I don't think we need to jump to conclusions, Deb.

Just let the man finish his story.

They're floor mats, that's the story.

Hey, what's this? What's that? Look all around.

There's things all around us.

Would you like to see a movie? We have one.

What is it, George? It's, uh, it's the, uh... The Aviator!

N-no... The Avatar.

Uh, no, thank you. That movie is three hours of puke.

Of course, Britta's joking.

We enjoy Avatar very much.

We do? Yes.

It's an immensely popular movie.

Of course, we love it.

How many alumni have responded?

Not many, but I think our current students will show up for the degree raffle.

How 'bout we put the deejay over there?

You're not gonna need a deejay.

I've been saying that since the invention of the shuffle button.

I have booked a surprise musical guest this evening... a little piece of '90s nostalgia you might call Natalie is Freezing.

Are you out of your damn mind?

What? You know this band?

You know damn well I do.

Why do you always... what... what, are you trying to get me to like you?

No. Good.

'Cause it ain't working.

You weird hair-gelled CPR dummy.

It's pomade! Ah.

As long as I'm up here, does anyone want anything reached?

Hey.

We're Natalie is Freezing.

Oh, are you Natalie?

I'm Julie. The name of the band is Natalie is Freezing.

Why would anyone in the band be Natalie? We're artists.

Cool.

So, our deejay was gonna man the frozen yogurt machine.

Is that something that you guys can handle?

If you do need anything reached, I've been practicing.

We like Avatar?

In public, yes, we like things most people like.

Our job isn't to alienate people.

We're on the job with my parents?

With everyone, everywhere, all the time.

You wanted a relationship.

A real one. It's real.

Do you not think Honda makes good products?

Of course I do.

That's never been remotely in question, but why does that mean that I like Avatar?

Because you're not a monster, all right?

Because people don't want to drive what a monster drives.

Stop the Honda, Rick! Do you hear me?

Use a light press of your foot to engage the highly responsive anti-lock brakes of this incredible vehicle, now!

I want to be with you... the real you.

This is me. This is what I do.

When I influence people to buy Honda products...

I feel God's pleasure.

That's from Chariots of Fire.

I love Chariots of Fire. So do I.

Also, we have to.

Damn it, Britta!

Oops.

Aw, man, you people are everywhere.

I was looking for a place to hide.

Don't worry. I'm not gonna bother you.

Okay, then, give me a gin and tonic.

Your friend Jeff booked Natalie is Freezing for the dance.

What? Tonight? We got to go!

Why aren't you excited?

I used to date her.

Natalie?

Her name is Julie.

Why would the band's name be her name? She's an artist.

We listened to them together. You never said anything about this.

She messed me up.

She messed me up pretty good.

Here's to forgetting. Not gonna toast to that.

Well, then, forget you too. Aw, give me a break.

That's the whole problem.

Everybody's in such a rush to protect themselves from each other.

Sure, yes, you got to defend your castle, but you also got to...

What's that thing that castles have?

Walls? Come on.

A moat? Goes over the moat.

Goes over the moat. Enemy knights?

Cavalry? Uh, arrows?

No. Come on, stop it. Goes like this.

Alligators? No! It's one thing.

It's mechanical. One mechanical alligator!

Are you screwing with me?

I don't even know what the hell you're talking about!

It's one mechanical thing! It goes over the moat! It goes like this!

A catapult!

Ow, Jesus! W-What are you doing...

Britta, I love you.

I'm gonna quit Honda.

I'll get a job, uh...

I... I don't know, what do regular people do?

Well, they buy things. I'll do that.

For me? No, for Honda.

Yes, for you!

Normally, I would give you a hard time, but I don't want to be like this guy, so...

Oh, you're coming... I'm coming to you.

You're coming over? Okay. You...

Okay, that seems like a really a hard way...

Can you give me... okay, wait, watch out for this foot, though.

Okay. Okay.

Hold on to me. Hold on to me.

Oh, my God!

Oh, wow. Uh, what do we do now?

Uh, my school's having a dance tonight.

My favorite band is playing.

Let's go!

A drawbridge. A drawbridge!

You need a drawbridge.

It's Elroy's favorite band, too.

Really? I once... I once hallucinated one of their music videos in his RV. That's weird.

No, the Dean can't introduce the band tonight.

He's in his office, deciding what kind of vehicles to buy for the athletic department.

Yeah, he needs a whole fleet.

That's right, a fleet of vehicles.

He just needs to pick a model of car.

He's in his office. Did you hear that?

Yes, I heard it, Rick, but we're out of the game.

Not yet. We can leave on a high.

The Dean is a Level Seven Susceptible, Britta.

It's a once-in-a-lifetime feeling. You won't believe it.

I do believe it, but I don't need it. Do you?

I'll just do this one last job, then we'll be free.

Be right back.

Guess I'm a Level Seven Susceptible, too.

Why do they assume somebody is named Natalie in the band?

It, like, happens all the time.

Like, remember when we were in Syracuse...

Elroy? Julie, you messed me up.

You came after me, because I wasn't interested.

You got me interested, and I fell hard.

Then, you got bored and destroyed me.

And I've been afraid to love anybody for 20 years since, but not anymore.

Okay. I still love you.

But I'm not gonna keep on hurting others just because you hurt me.

Fine. "Fine."

That's you. That's my impression of you, you jaded, hipster a-hole.

I still love your music.

Have a great gig.

Elroy, I'm tired of playing this game.

I like you and I want you to like me.

Oh, okay.

You're a good guy, Jeff Winger.

You and I are gonna be friends.

Okay, great. Whatever.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

♪ I love you I love you.

♪ I love you. I love you... ♪

Sorry, Britta.

Britta, did you know your boyfriend was guerilla marketing for Honda?

I knew he represented something I wanted to buy.

I did good, Frankie. Didn't I do good?

Yes. Good Dean.

Smart Dean.

He'll be fine.

But he can never come back here.

I understand.

Of course, if you want to come with us... because you are good.

I had nothing to do with it.

The 2015 Honda CR-V sells itself.

That's why it's this year's Motor Trend Sport/Utility of the Year.

Oh, my.

Where did he go?

Thank you.

Thank you.

I know all of you know this next one.

Pillar of Garbage! Whoo!

♪ Moonlight, ♪ Bleeding glass and healing needles

♪ Amputated hearts are never whole I think this song is about me.

♪ Too bright...

Or heroin. Oh, who cares?

♪ Dreaming as the screaming seagulls

♪ Feed on parts of me I keep below

♪ Oh, oh, Orion take off your belt

♪ Let me go the way you've been

♪ I'm flying overhead

♪ The buffalo are falling dead inside

♪ Eternity it was you and me.

♪ How sweet it'd be my wandering star ♪


So now I ask a question? Mom does. We answer it.

What am I? A rabbit.

Obviously, you can't do that.

Obviously you can't ask what you are.

Mom, change your ears.

Okay, sweetie. You didn't say that before.

Dad, ask Mom a question about your ears.

I can't see my ears. That's why you're asking!

Okay, Deb, what are my ears?

No! Like, "Am I an animal?"

Well, yes! You are! And so are you.

Britta, whatever happened to Rick?

Oh, my God! Okay, okay.

Ships in the night, I guess, eh?

Why would you ask that?

I came over here, because Rick and I broke up.

I know that. I just thought maybe something had changed.

While I was sitting here?

Well, you know, these days, with all the apps.

Play the game!

All right, which friend of ours collects me?

Joanne Schoenbuchner. I'm elephants.

Yes! Am I an animal? How in the hell did...

Aw, not by a long shot.

Do I work in your office?

Mom. GEORGE: Nathan in accounts receivable... not his first wife, his second wife.

The one that made cake for Memorial Day.

Am I Mister Spock? Yes, you are. That's it.

I love this game. This is fun.

Where... where...

Ugh.

I think we did something wrong.

I know we did, Deb.