Coneheads (1993) Script

Where's the captain, Mr. Spock?

He's out there, doctor.

Out there somewhere In a thousand cubic parsecs of space, And there's absolutely nothing We can do to help him.


Grr!


Do you copy?

Roger. You got it, too?

What is it?

I don't know, Captain.

It's at 500 miles inbound real fast.

Whoa! That's not one of ours.

Inbound bogy.

Werewolf flight. Camera's now on.

Whoo, man! Man, is he moving!

Unidentified aircraft, You are violating strategic air space.

Reduce speed to mach 1.

Descend to 3,000 feet and identify, Or we will force you down.

Command, this is Werewolf Leader.

Bogy not responding.

He's walking away fast.

Suggest Air National Guard attempt intercept.

This is Cowboy Flight.

I got a lock-on.

Request permission to fire.

You are clear to fire.

Ah!

You should have activated the cloaking device!

I cannot remember everything.

It disappeared!

He's just disappeared!


Greetings.

You need a room?

Correct.

Uh... Fill out an application.

Just a form there.

I also seek out technoindustrial sector Where I can purchase two or three simlats of platinum paste.

Oh... This time of night, huh?

Oh... Gee! Let's see.

See, I'm kind of new to the area. I don't...

Do you know where I could obtain A helionizon graphing device?

The day guy, he knows this area really good.

I can't help you.

Was this a double occupancy?

Correct. That is my mate.

Yeah. Right. You know, I'm sure she is.

That's...

That's fine. Okay.

Will that be, uh... Cash... or charge?

Heh?

How are you paying?

We shall remunerate With metallic tender disks.

Correct.

This is fine. Yeah.

Ha ha ha ha!

Hee hee hee hee!

Primitive.

We must find one with components To communicate distress to Remulak.

The high master will be displeased about the ship.

Affirmative.

He will surely cut off my plarg.

Aahh!

Do not despair, prymaat.

We will be rescued.

Until then, we must adapt.

When the hydrogen droplets cease, We will live undetected on earth Amongst the bluntskulls.

Beldar, how can we live Among the bluntskulls?

We will blend in. my goodness!

Wow!

Here's the man that made it happen last match.

Aahh! Aahh!

Hey, Otto, This dude's almost as fast as you are.

Ha ha!

Nah, man. This boy's the best.

Shows up on time, Gives an honest day's work.

You can't find people like this anymore.

These white boys and the brothers show up late.

They loaf around.

All they want is a check.

Here is your Juicemaster.

For future reference, Frequent cleaning will prevent Motor wear and accumulation of earth bacteria.

Ha ha ha ha!

The boy is good.

If I could find three more like him, I could retire.

Excuse me.

It's time for midday cessation of activities For protein-carbo intake.

Take your lunch break.

Lunch, lunch, lunch.

Boy loves to eat.

Lunch, lunch, lunch, Lunch, lunch, lunch, Lunch, lunch, lunch, Lunch, lunch, lunch.

Lunch! Lunch!

Greetings, earthwoman.

Ha ha ha ha!

Time for midday consumption Of mass quantities.

I have reradiated leftover starch disk.

Pizza. I will enjoy it.

There.

Warning...

Do not sear the top of your neck hole in the molten lactate extract.

Aahh!

Excellent!

The final component for the intergalactic communicator.

Correct.

There.

Perhaps a final tightening of spiral dimension fasteners.

Beldar, activate the device!

Address Marlax!

Inform him of our situation.

There is no advantage to delay.

Verscrab!

Phone home!

Marlax! Marlax!

Marlax! Marlax!

Marlax! Marlax!

Greetings, Beldar.

We haven't heard from you.

I'm glad you're still active.

Greetings, Marlax.

You've enslaved the planet and are awaiting instructions?

Mmm... Unanticipated Failure of mentaglian drive caused us to abandon our vessel in a fluid mass.

When might we expect a rescue vessel?

Rescue vessel?

You tahpath!

When the high master hears of your failure, he will not take it lightly.

A star cruiser will enter your solar system in about... Seven zerls.

Seven zerls? Seven zerls?

Pluget! Remulak! Narpel!

Oh! Oh!

Seven... Zerls?

Beldar, there is something we should discuss that is far more important than planetary conquest.

But what could be more important than planetary conquest?

Beldar, I am with cone.

You?

I?

A young one?

Affirmative.

$8,000.

This is the best week I've ever had, and there's $1,200 for you, Beldar.

Thank you.

Beldar, you still haven't given me your social security number.

My social security number.

I...

I am sorry.

I keep forgetting.

I need that number.

I got state payroll forms.

You do have a number?

Of course. I am a citizen.

All right. Give me the numbers.

0...

2..5...

6...

X... Point...3...

0...B...

8...7...

Beldar, you don't have A social security number?

Correct.

Why not?

I am an illegal alien.

I knew you were too good to be true.

Every time I make money!

So where you from?

The planet Remulak.

I am fuel survey underlord for...

Never mind. Never mind.

Look... We going to work this out.

Your name is Donald R. De Cicco, got that?

Donald R. De Cicco.

That's you. D-e C-i-c-c-o.

You were born August 11, 1951, in Brockton, Massachusetts.

And your name is what?

Donald R. De Cicco.

Your wife's name is Mary Margaret Rowney, Born June 26, 1955, in Rhode Island, But you're from where?

Brockton, Massachusetts.

You two were married June 4, 1975, in Greece, Where you met on a fellowship following your graduation from Hobart College.

Hobart College.

The man's a wizard.

Everything is in here...

Birth certificates, family names, school records, employers, addresses, grandmother's maiden name, not that they'll ask.

Hee hee!

Most important... social security numbers. Name?

Donald R. De Cicco.

Nice to meet you.

Welcome to the United States.

Right in there. Up and down.

This is a fine craft.

It can be operated with ease.

Yo, man! Not so close, all right?

It's not that I'm against close, it's just not my thing.

In America, we got this thing called space.

If you're going to live here and have kids, get yourself together.

Buy yourself a car, maybe get a hat for that head, and do something about those teeth!

Teeth.

Beldar, you know what the key to success is?

I do not.

Look good. Be your own boss.

Never get chained to a desk.

In business, take cash only.

Look good. Be own boss.

No desk. Cash only.

You got it.

Got more of that gum?

Of course.

On second thought, I shouldn't chew and drive.

I might hit something.


I'm really better with English.

All I'm getting is clicking noises.

Clicking?

Clicking? Clicking?

Could you be a lamb and have a seat?

Tako uno seatado, por favor.

Hi there. I'll take that.

Mr. Seedling can't see anyone.

He's having one of those days.

Isn't that cute?

Okay, that's not yours.

Bear in mind, these figures are not to scale.

I'm suggesting we put these electronic collars on all the deportees.

Then we bury a wire along the border, forming an invisible fence.

The next time this illegal tries to enter the country...

Pow!

A jolt he won't forget.

It will send a message to the rest of the population.

Let's get on this.

Yes. Right away, sir.

Why am I the only one who can see the problem?

I don't know.

Everyone else ignores the problem hoping it will go away, but it won't.

Not going to disappear.

Maybe I'll give up.

Give up, be like everybody else.

It's not you.

You wouldn't be happy.

Well, that's why I have to give it everything I have... 100%.

Everyone thinks it's crazy.

And obsessive.

That I'm a mental case.

Wacko, completely insane.

I have something for you... that deceased SSI number you flagged.

De Cicco. He's back.

It's the tenth job he's taken this month.

Not bad for a guy that was shot to death.

"Mr. De Cicco" is an appliance repairman in Jersey City.

Let's see. Donald de Ciccos one through five turned out to be a Samoan, a Vietnamese, a Sicilian, a Canadian... and a Belgian.

And he skipped back to Belgium.

I lost him, Eli.

This one I want.

Dr. Rudolph?

This is Mr. De Cicco.

He wants his teeth capped...

All of them.

Okay We'll just take a look.

Hello, Mr... uh... De Sicko.

De Cicco.

The name is de Cicco.

I'm Dr. Rudolph.

Can we send for your regular dental records?

When I was a young one, I chipped a tooth on my rocket sled, but there were no records which we could send from... where... I... We come from.

All right.

Now, I understand...

You want to have your teeth capped.

Correct.

Let's just take a look.

And... open, please.

And close, please.

And open, please.

Okay, we'll start the caps right about... here, Mr. De Fasco.

Cicco!

And open wider... if you can.

Headrest comfortable?

Fine.

All right.

I'm going to give you some nitrous oxide.

If you feel any pain, let me know.

And breathe.

Beldar!

Beldar!

Mibs! Mibs!

Human authority figures.

Mibs!

Mibs! We must egress immediately.

Oh!

They're at the portal! We are scrapnoids!

Oh! Oh!

Open up!

Uh. Oh!

Beldar!

Around back!

There they go.

Fast! Fast!

Turnbull!

Okay, no foreign passports, Letters, correspondence, newspapers, Nothing to indicate their country of origin, Except for these Mardi Gras suits.

Let me see that.

Maybe they're Brazilian.

Sir?

It would be better If that went through me.

He's not in a good mood.

I think I found something, sir.

That symbol also appears on this card.

Let me see that.

Possibly Korean.

Possibly.

Have this text analyzed.

Run this.

Look at this filth!

It's filthy.

Human beings don't live like this.

Find out where they're from, Because wherever that is...

I'm seeing to it that they go back there.

La Guardia airport, Delta terminal.

La Guardia.

Do you wish I take BQE, the Van Wyck, Or Woodhaven Boulevard To the Grand Central Parkway?

There is less traffic.

Whatever.

Woodhaven, Grand Central.

345. Drop-off, La Guardia.

Good evening.

Greetings.

Greetings, my genetomate.

How was your day Ferrying humans across the grid?

Acceptable.

Tips could have been better.

Ahh!

The impending cone prepares For its emergence.

Ahh! Ahh!

It's khoudri.

Ahh!

Welcome, my employer and landlord.

Beldar, forgive my intrusion.

Rhavi is sick.

Can you work the midnight shift, use my car?

Most certainly.

This is the last triple shift.

The birth spasm is near.

Once again, you have pulled me from the fire.

Beldar, you have been working Through your slar phase again.

Goz deprivation is not good.

This dwelling is no longer acceptable.

It is not good enough for you and our young one.

We must settle in a safer neighborhood, One with better schools And a stronger local economic matrix.

We are no better off Than we were two zerls ago.

This ranch-style dwelling is available At $6,900 down with a 9% fixed-rate mortgage.

But how? Our currency stock is insufficient.

Incorrect.

I have been saving.

Ah! I praise you, earthwoman.

Ugh! Aah!

My bluevarp has broken.

The birth spasm has begun.

Aah!

Nothing to this.

Childbirth is an act of nature.

Take care of prymaat. We'll get good pictures.

Aahh!

Ugh!

Ooh!

I hate you, Beldar!

I hate you!

Aahh!

1, 2, 3.

Aahh! Aahh!

Get it off me!

Breathe easy.

Okay, one good push.

Aahh!

It's so cute.

Would you like to cut the umbilical cord, Mr. Conehead?

No hair.

Bring the top of the head up higher.

No, higher... like a point.

We have analysis from Lexcon Labs On the card found at the subjects' dwelling.

No known language, script, or characters Within the foreign catalog.

You're not listening to me.

You see where my hand is? That high.

What else?

The lab studied the Mardi Gras costumes.

They contain fibers with five unknown polymer strands.

Nothing like it anywhere.

So what are they saying?

They're from another planet?

That theory has been advanced, yes, sir.

This is big.

This is really big.

Uh... Sir?

Should they be from another planet, Isn't that Air Force responsibility?

If they're just visiting, sure.

But the moment they try to work here, They're mine.

Any sign?

No, sir. Nothing yet.

Wait.

Subject vehicle coming your way.

I have him in sight.

Go?

No.

Go?

No.

Now?

Go.

Freeze!

This isn't him.

What's going on here?

Sir, look.

Where did you get this?

From one of the finest men I've ever known.

Where is he now?

He moved out a week ago.

I have no word from him.

I wish I had more drivers like him...

Diligent, Punctual, His cab invariably sweet-smelling.

Take him in and check him out.

Check him.

Turn around.

Find this insignia, find these illegals.

I'll take that.

Thank you.

Sir? Sir, good news from Washington.

Your promotion came through.

They must have loved Your electrified border idea.

We knew they would.

On-site field enforcement head For the entire southwest.

Assistant deputy commissioner.

That should pay quite a bit more, Shouldn't it, sir?

An extra $1,500 a year.

Of course I'll take it.

Question.

About this de Cicco case.

We've invested so many man-hours.

Who cares? Let the next guy handle it.

I'm out of here.

Ah, the morning consumption of mass quantities...

Gridlike slabs, seared strips of swine, And flattened chicken embryos.

What is a 7-letter word for an egyptian tomb With steeply sloping sides meeting at an apex?

A...Flindar.

Ahh.

Good morning, parental units.

Dawn greetings, young one.

What consumables would you like...

Pop-tarts, patties of flesh?

I'm not really hungry.

Just some Tang.

Tang... the drink astronauts took to the moon.

Astronauts to the moon.

The shop called. Your putter arrived.

Ah, my Hawk Tru-Flex with graphite shaft...

A secret of pros everywhere, a truly manly putter. Aah!

What have you done?

Nothing.

No? Turn around.

Naah!

It's not a real tattoo.

Mibs! Mibs! Unacceptable!

It's a decal. Everyone's wearing them.

If everyone jumped in a cauldron, would you?

I'm not a little cone.

Maintain low tones with me.

Remove it at the hygienic chamber.

You're wearing far too much cheek enhancement.

Mom, does my makeup look okay?

Don't invoke the approval of your other parental unit.

To accompany me to the enclosed retail compound, You will remove the decal.

Fine.

Beldar.

She looked like a common flathrag on payday.

I don't know what went wrong with these roses this year.

Maybe I need a gardener.

I'm not paying someone to dig in dirt.

Larry, I told you to take that to a professional.

You'll save money in the long run.

Should have bought an electric one.

Beldar, is that you?

Correct.

Bel.

Yeah, buddy, you got a minute?

Of course.

Damn lawn mower won't start.

Would you mind taking a look?

I do not mind.

Greetings, Lisa.

Excellent crop of decorative growth.

You're being nice.

Yes.

Hmm... Standard 3 horsepower internal-combustion Chlorophyll stalk slicer.

There is fuel present?

Yeah, there's plenty of gas.

I can't get the damn thing to kick over.

Perhaps you'll join us For consumption of mass quantities.

We'll ignite our new flame pit and char mammal flesh.

That sounds like fun. I'll make coleslaw.

Ahh, coleslaw. We will enjoy it.


Thanks, Bels.

Connie, how are you?

Hi!

Oh, my god! I love it!

I'm so glad!

He is so cute, let me tell you.

Can you see it?

Ha ha ha!

Oh, there's a sale today.

Aah!

Oh! Oh, this song!

Aah!

♪ Sometimes I feel I've got to... uhh! Uhh!... Run away ♪

♪ I've got to... uhh! Uhh!... Get away ♪

♪ From the pain you drive into the heart of me ♪

♪ The love we share... ♪ Sorry. It's not ready.

I do not understand.

I've returned at the agreed-upon time coordinates.

Well, I'm very sorry, Mr. Conhead.

Conehead. The name is Conehead.

Well, uh, look, Mr. Conehead, We got backed up.

It took longer than we expected.

Unacceptable.

You've delayed my departure And the events which was to follow.

What reason could you have for such deception?

I don't know where you're from...

France. We come from France.

Fine, sir.

It'll be ready when it's ready.

If you want to sit over there, I'll call you when your car is finished.

I will comply. What choice do I have?

You have seized me at the base of my snarglies.

Hey... Ronnie.

What?

I just have one question.

How could it take so long to do a simple alignment When your garage is equipped With the proper borg-warner digital hydraulic radiometer?

Maybe because I was out back finishing a beer.

Okay.

Now, Deputy Commissioner Seedling, Before this committee can recommend Your appointment to commissioner, There's several questions regarding your tenure As mid-Atlantic District Chief.

Senator, that was a long time ago.

I can't recall everything.

We won't ask about everything, Just case 889343-b, The so-called... Des...

De Cicco.

De Cicco file.

I do remember that case.

In an unsuccessful pursuit labeled by some as excessive, You authorized the expenditure Of $250,000 to apprehend what you believed was An illegal alien from another planet?

A spaceman?

Excuse me.

I never said on the record I thought they were spacemen, And the case is still open, And I-I feel when we make this apprehension, The expense will be well-justified...

Is what I feel.

I can't believe my appointment's being held up By the de Cicco case!

I know. I know.

I want it flagged at red levels.

Why me? Why me?

I don't know.

The system screws the hardest worker. Unfair. Not right.

The politicians don't even care. It's the system.

The phone's ringing.

Rings all the time.

Oh, the phone. I'll get it.

This guy's out there somewhere, And he's going to make a mistake.

And when he does, We'll nail him.

I've never dated a girl taller than me before.

Oh, really?

I've always been tall.

So, Are both your parents from Europe, or...

Uh-huh.

When did they come to America?

Uh, before I was born.

Yeah, my grandfather's from the old country.

Oh, really?

Which one?

Mmm...

I'm not sure.

One of the big ones.

Oh.

Wow!

My mom's the only other woman Who could take a sandwich like that.

Are you going to eat that?

No, no.

You're something special.

You know that?

So, Beldar's giving this woman Beginner's driving lessons For the fifth time, huh?

That's interesting.

Interesting? Why is that interesting?

I mean, the same woman.

Think about it.

The same woman.

It's been my experience The more you think about it, The more you should worry Because all men are pigs.

Pigs... an omnivorous domesticated hoofed vertebrate That defecates in the same place it consumes.

Exactly.

You should be very careful with Beldar.

He's got that continental accent That some women find irresistible.

Aah!

Ha ha ha!

I like it when you watch me drive.

Whoops.

Watch it, lady!

It's like you've been instructing me All my life, you know?

Yes, it's almost as if you've...

Controlled me completely.

Beldar, I don't think I'm ready for this test.

I can't... oh, listen to me.

I'm okay.

I'm just... human.

And I'm... weak.

Gladys!

Look at me.

Oh, yeah.

I am your teacher. You are my student.

It's natural harboring feelings for your driving instructor.

You must understand nothing can come of this.

58 U.S. Dollars, please.

You are one of the finest men I have ever met.

When my species rules this planet, You will come to no harm.

You are wise, But there's a sadness to your wisdom.


Ronnie, don't.

Please?

Come on, Connie.

I've told you how I feel.

Doesn't that mean anything?

It means a lot.

I pick you up, I take you out, I bring you home, we say good night.

You never kiss me.

Is there something wrong with me or something?

Of course not.

It's just...

My parental units.

Well, we've never been really affectionate, and...

I'm afraid I don't know how.

It's easy.

All you do is lean forward and kiss, Like this.


Ronnie, don't.

Ronnie, I am not ready.

Oh, you're ready.

Don't.

Ronnie! Yah!


Greetings.

How was your date with Ronnie?

Daddy was right.

Earth boys only care about one thing.

You mean Ronnie was behaving Like a flandap.

Flandap?

Flandap... an uninvited grasper of cone, A masher, a hustler.

Flandap?

Hi, Mr. Conehead.

I find you unacceptable. Yes, sir.

If I did not fear incarceration, I would terminate your life functions By applying pressure To collapse your bluntskull.

Th-thank you.

Don't worry about the flandap Ronnie.

You will not see him again.

I cannot believe you did that.

You've ruined my life.

Young one, when we return to Remulak...

I don't care about Remulak.

That stupid star cruiser is never coming anyway!

But she said... I-I thought...

I will attend to the young one.

Come in.

Connie, I read in a magazine we can talk about anything.

Mom...

What does it feel like to...

Hone?

For me, the first time, it happened so fast, I hardly knew I had honed.

After that, it was more repetition than anything else.

Oh, my young one, Your cone is changing, and you feel unsure.

How would you know what it's like?

You've been married to daddy for so long.

I was a young cone once.

Before I met Beldar, I was very attracted to a Thorasian forger.

There was no other life force in the universe that mattered.

He got a job at a volcano complex on some moon.

I never saw him again.

It broke my blood valve chamber.

I got over it, And it worked out for the best.

I met your father.

I knew I'd found my true life mate.

I love you, mom.

The currents of chromobonding Between you and your parental units Are infinite.

Mib!

Good shot.

So, have you given any thought To what I said about, you know...

Hair?

I do not understand.

Don't pretend it doesn't bother you.

You're a young man.

No reason to be skinny up top.

I'll let you in on a little secret...

Not all my own hair.

Hard to tell, isn't it?

Only from high altitudes.

Aah! Well, I'll say no more.

Think it over.

I'll introduce you to my man.

Hey, Mr. Conehead!

Way to blast out of the bunker, huh?

It's me... Ronnie!

I hope you didn't cut your hand on my car.

I'm fine.

Yes, thank you. No problem. Good-bye.

Okay.

Hey, chubby, come on.

All right, Conehead, That puts me four behind you at the turn.

Correct.

Hey, Mr. Conehead, I'm miserable.

I feel so bad for what I did.

It feels like somebody's ripping my guts out. she won't take my calls.

Hey, kid, I'm not paying you to yak.

Buddy?

What's with the head?

Forget him. He's not a member.

That concludes the one-meter competition.

Next will be the three-meter board category.

The first diver... Connie Conehead.

1-1/2 flip with a twist.

Head and body enter the water With minimum splash.

Ahh. Ahh.

Keep it up. You've got one more dive.

Diving for Union High... Gail Jensen.

You were great.

I'm sorry about the other night.

I was a real jerk, okay?

Connie's our best hope for state championship finals.

Correct. We believe this also.

Tell me if I'm wrong, But I haven't seen you at any parent meetings.

What committees are you on?

Aah.

We need volunteers for homecoming.

Home... coming?

Coming... home?

Let's go fight!

Let's go fight!

Hey! Hey!

Hi.

Look, I'm sorry if I...

No, I mean, I shouldn't have been so...

Hey, it was me.

Sometimes, I just...

Me, too. Me, too.

If I did anything to...

Oh, no. You didn't.

I mean... I mean it.

Seriously?

Yeah.

Wow. Glad we talked.

And now, parents and students alike, If you will direct your attention To the sky above the playing field, You'll be treated to fireworks Courtesy of Beldar Conehead, Father of Paramus High's own Connie Conehead.

Careful there, Conehead.

Pretty cheap, Conehead.


Cigar?

Is the light keeping you awake?

No.

Ahh.

Your breathing has become erratic.

A torg for your thoughts?

Beldar, are you content with me?

Of course. Why would I not be?

Now, I would like to enter my slar phase.

Let us suppose for some reason my life function ceased.

What would you do?

I would incinerate your carcass In the tradition of obedai the obtuse.

Would you find a new genetomate To bring to our goz chamber...

And propagate?

Ah, my most precious one, I would collapse.

I would draw the shades and live in the dark.

I would never leave my slarpad.

My fluids would coagulate, my cone would shrivel...

And I would die miserable and lonely.

The stench would be great.

Oh, Beldar, you have made me very happy.

Yes. I know. Good night.

Life on earth is good.

I agree.

Stability and contentment have been achieved.

Lay by and put about!

Lay by and put about!

Return to your port of embarkation.

There's no work for you in the United States.

You have no job skills.

You will be a drag on our economy.

We appreciate your situation, But we have our own problems.

Thank you.

Phone, sir.

Seedling here.

Sir, a fax came through on the secure channel.

We found him.

Don't toy with me, Eli.

It better be real.

Oh! Oh, hello, Mrs. Conehead.

I've been meaning to talk to you About the Christmas tree lighting ceremony.

We found someone else to head that committee And won't be needing Mr. Conehead's services after all.

If you could thank him.

He will be very disappointed.


I'm telling you, Bels, stay on your game.

You could win.

A meaningless piece of metal and wood.

I compete only with myself.

I appreciate the game's physics, control, And, of course, spirituality.

You're full of it, Conehead.

The only reason You're coming to the costume ball is to win that trophy.

Negative.

If I win, I would accept with limited enthusiasm.

Ron. Harv.

Beldar, what's happening?

Hey, Conehead, what costume are you wearing To the Halloween dance?

I wouldn't tell you, Harv.

Eh?

"Consume alco-beverage. Come get me!"

Ah! Mai tai!

I will enjoy it.

Greetings, earthman.

Huh. Ah, hmm. Ah, huh...

It is good to hone in places Other than our goz chamber before slar phase.

Who said?

Good Housekeeping.

What are they doing?

Sounds like they stepped on a cat.

Convac three.

Commissioner Seedling.

Go ahead.

We're on him, sir.

Don't make a move without me.

We won't move until you get here.

Greetings.

Hello there.

We stopped by to introduce ourselves.

We're Jehovah's Witnesses.

Hello. I am Beldar.

We attend the Kingdom Hall on Coveneck Road.

Next to the dry cleaners near 7-Eleven.

May we ask you a question?

Do you agree that the world's headed towards a calamity?

Most definitely.

I have direct personal knowledge that this is so.

May we come in?

Of course.

Enter. Assume comfort.

My mate prymaat.

Greetings. Be seated.

So, what do you know of the doom awaiting this planet?

We believe that the end of the world is approaching And that only 144,000 people will be saved.

I don't believe it will be that many.

The Bible clearly states

144,000 will be saved.

That's a very optimistic estimate Considering the primitive weapons The earth people will use for their defense.

Some earth weapons aren't so useless.

Drop it.

Well, uh, when the time comes, No weapon of this earth shall avail mankind.

Correct. Correct.

Where are you from?

France. We come from France.

But we are American citizens now.

Do you have proof?

Proof?

Well...

I'm going to Christina's. We're going to the dance.

I'll see you there.

I take it your daughter was born here.

Yes. She is native to your pla...

Uh, country.


Scarley matebe meldown.

Scarley matebe meldown.

Ew!

Beldar, phone for you.

Tell the caller that I will return his call.

No, Beldar. The big phone.

The big ph...

Ah!

I hope you humans have enjoyed your visit!

Come again! You are leaving!

We haven't finished!

Thank you for coming.

They didn't buy it.

You just can't talk religion with some people. Woo! Connie!

Ronnie's gonna give me a ride home!

I won't need a ride!

Negative, young lady. We must speak now.

It is imperative. I have good news.

After zerls of waiting, our rescue vessel from Remulak is coming tonight.

What?

You're going to see the joys of your home planet.

I'll tell Ronnie.

Irrational! You will tell no one.

Well, what if I said I don't want to go?

Oh, my infinitely valuable incarnation, Watching you grow up on this savage planet has caused me pain.

Your young optic receptacles, never having observed the sacred peaks of Arksnap, the crater of kuldraf.

I know. I know.

And I'm sure it's all great, and I know that you don't believe me... but I'm in love with Ronnie.

Daddy, if you really care, You'll let me say good-bye to him.

Although my blood valve chamber Weighs heavily with your feelings, Tonight, we must remain together.

You're moving away tonight?

When you're called to be the driver For the president of France, You got to go.

I have to tell you something really important.

What is it?

Not here. We have to be alone.

All right!

The awarding of the Fairfield Country Club golfer-of-the-year trophy...

Not so fast, Carl.

For most-improved handicap through the season.

And the winner is... Beldar Conehead!

The daughter and boyfriend are on the move.

Ronnie.

Before we do anything at all, There's something I have to say.

I'm different from other girls.

I know. That's why I love you.

Oh, Ronnie.

I cannot believe she left after you told her not to.

I am grounding her for an entire zerl, And I mean it!

Aah!

Senso rings! Where did you get those?

Under your bed.

Unacceptable! Your cone is too young!

Get up! You're coming to Remulak right now!

I am staying with Ronnie.

Maintain low tones.

Impossible, undesirable, inadvisable.

Then I'm coming with you. I love you.

Human authority figures.

We must egress immediately.

It's over, Conehead! This is the I.N.S.!

Come out with your hands up!

You're under arrest!

They're going for it!

Cover him!

Hold it right there!

It's the boyfriend.

The boyfriend.

Go, Beldar!

Daddy!

Nice maneuver, but it's all over, Conehead.

Beldar.

That is the Jehovah's Witness.

Eh?

Let's cover him.

Aah! Aah!


All right, hold on, everybody.

I love you, Ronnie!

I love you!

Back in the car, asshole.

Gorman, let go!

Gorman, gorman, I'm scared!

You're not getting away this time, Conehead!

You're completely surrounded!

Put the car down!

This is the ship's captain.

Secure yourselves into the formflap.

We'll initiate mentalion surge When we pass the only moon on this planet.

No problem.

We have successfully passed their moon And are preparing now for a mentaglian surge.


Remulak.


Conglariat prof, high master, I know every cone is allowed But four uses of the patumias pleasure spool, And I partook six.

I realize the error of these actions, And I vow they will never be repeated.

I throw myself at your murtax.

Spathee!

I realize the pleasure spools Are a difficult temptation to resist.

Therefore, you will... narfle the garthok!

My god!

You will survey underlord Beldar Corhon And Marlax Zanthstram from Frodoitfuel Administration.

Kimglub amclab Marlax zim Beldar.

Ah, Beldar, survivor of the wilderness planet.

What offerings do you bring me?

Greetings, revered one.

Allow me first to present the gift Of two living native beings from the planet.

Do what you want to me, But I won't apologize for doing my job.

The U.S. can't solve the employment problems Of the universe.

Silence the slave!

Ah!

Delightful.

They'll make a fitting sacrifice to Kratnor.

What else did you bring me?

A multitude of gifts from the bluntskulled civilization.

A tire iron with four-way lug wrench.

Oh! Oh!

An owner's manual For a Ford-Lincoln Mercury Sable.

Ford-Lincoln Mercury Sable?

A personal conveyance named for its inventor, an assassinated ruler, a Greco-Roman myth, and a small fur-covered mammal.

Ah.

And a dashboard icon.

This is all?

Certainly not.

Some chewing gum.

I am smarfed.

More than smarfed!

Flarged by this!

Beldar, come close.

Close!

What have you done to your face portal?

Huh?

Your trains!

Excellency, there is good reason!

Beldar lived among the bluntheads so long, He had to adapt.

He altered his trains.

It's known as bonding.

I don't care!

Here it is known as treason.

Treason?

Since it is the festival, It's at my discretion To settle things in the ancient ways.

Therefore, Beldar, you will... narfle the garthok!

I am no traitor!

What's a garthok?

Every zerl since the ancient times, When the three moons align, The light of the crescents Causes a garthok to emerge.

So, what's a garthok?

Our seats were up in back.

These are much better seats.


That's a garthok?

You can really see it from this vantage.

These are good seats, Marlax.

It is time.

I am Laktar, disgraced guardsman.

I'll fight for my honor.

These are great seats.

I've learned much from watching the garthok battle.

It has weaknesses.

When my turn comes, I believe I can take him.

Uh-huh. Let me know when Elvis gets here.

You're next.

Ah!

This is a first for me.

You're next.

No. He's next.

No. You are next.

He is next.

You were ahead of me in court.

Nothing like a kalgard!

You're next.

Daddy.

Ah!

Uh!

Eeyah!

You call that narfling, Beldar?

♪ Sometimes I feel I want to ♪

♪ Eh! Eh! ♪

♪ Run away ♪

♪ I want to ♪

♪ Eh! Eh! ♪

♪ Get away ♪ It's a song.

Big hit on earth.

♪ Eh! Eh! ♪

♪ Part of me Eh! Eh! ♪

Mib!


The day is yours, Beldar.

You have successfully narfled the garthok.

A request may be granted.

I have a request.

Speak freely.

That I be returned to earth, And upon my return, I'll conquer the planet earth And enslave the bluntskulls In the name of my cone heritage!

Very well. Request granted.

I'll take the earth slaves.

You may only take one slave.

I take Seedling, the one with higher office.

Thank you!

So be it!

Ingrat.

Let it be written...

Are you writing this?

That Beldar shall return to the humo-car planet, Where he shall conquer the bluntskulls!

This is my festival, Yet I speak, and they do not hear.

No one listens.

They do not realize The difficulty imposed upon me.

Power is not easy.

I sit in judgment and rule.

You have no interior life.

Let me take care of that.

He's having a really tough day.

Thank you.

Onglat, prevnev, remdrempt, kraftnor...

Attention all battle unit commanders.

Entering outer atmospheres of target planet.

Hold your global ranging positions.

Arrange mizatym cannon.

Stand ready for my attack order.

The star fleet has entered the earth's atmosphere.

They've entered the earth's atmosphere.

The moment of glory is here.

Really big day for you.


Landing enabled, arm cannon, Verify global target.

Hold weapons release until my order.

Warning, warning! Danger to battle fleet!

Presence of enemy laser gun in satellites detected!

Eh?

Lorbslap! Warning! Warning!

Danger to battle fleet.

Danger to battle fleet.

Lorbslap! Lorbslap! Lorbslap!

Quickly, my family, run, run!

Your happiness and positive perception of me is vital to my existence.

Besides, it's not every day That a father can give the world to his child.

I love you, daddy.

Whoa!

Beldar's life functions have ceased.

The earth weapons have silenced him.

He died bravely in battle.

There is no death more glorious.

He will be missed.

He will walk with the chosen.

Super guy.

I make this proposal to you!

Your life in exchange for a green card.

Agreed. Provided you demonstrate a job skill That no U.S. Citizen possesses.

That presents no challenge.

No objection.

Good! Move!

Good evening, Mr. Conehead, Mrs. Conehead.

Good evening, Ronnie. Welcome. Enter.

You look handsome, yet uncomfortable, in your pubescent ceremonial garb.

Yeah. You mean my tux, right?

Correct.

Connie is completing her beautification ritual.

I will summon her.

Ronnie, May I have 55 words with you?

The frightening statistics of young earthlings Mangling themselves in internal-combustion vehicles on the night of prom ritual makes me insist that we use maximum safety awareness.

Return at the predesignated time coordinates And in fact, take my car.

Its reinforced alloy superstructure is far superior to that of your rusted-out shit box.

Gee, thanks, Mr. Conehead.

Hi, Ronnie. Hi, daddy. This is for you.

Thanks. Present yourselves for image emulsification. Say "lactate extract of hoofed mammals."

Cheese. Cheese.

Excellent! Good night, Mr. And Mrs. Conehead.

Good night.

Good night.

Night! Ah, memories.

We will enjoy them.

Ah.


♪ Prymaat, you are my Conehead mate ♪

♪ But, Beldar, we share this human state ♪

♪ Well beyond our own dimension ♪

♪ Not our designed intention ♪

♪ Prymaat, your cone is shimmering in the light ♪

♪ Beldar ♪

♪ I'll fly the senso rings tonight ♪

♪ Don't want to hone my cone alone ♪

♪ You don't have to hone your cone alone ♪

♪ Could never hone my cone alone ♪

♪ You'll never have to hone your cone alone ♪

♪ The senso ring's revolving ♪

♪ All the measure of things evolving ♪

♪ The moons of Gleepse are all glistening ♪

♪ The blinds of love are lifting ♪

♪ I'll never understand this planet ♪

♪ The way these humans love to ram it ♪

♪ I much prefer the senso rings ♪

♪ And all the timeless joy they bring ♪

♪ My Conehead love is interstellar ♪

♪ Oppenheimer, Edward Teller ♪

♪ Our home on Remulak is distant ♪

♪ My cone control has low resistance ♪

♪ Don't want to hone my cone alone ♪

♪ You don't have to hone your cone alone ♪

♪ Could never hone my cone alone ♪

♪ You'll never have to hone your cone alone ♪

♪ The senso ring's revolving ♪

♪ All the measure of things evolving ♪

♪ The moons of Gleepse are all glistening ♪