Cooties (2014) Script



(MAN OVER RADIO) It's a beautiful summer day in Chicago today.

Temperatures expected to reach the upper 80s.

In recent news, a health advisory was reported from Happy Poultry Farms.

They're telling us they're issuing a full recall for their pre-cooked chicken tenders and also their buffalo chicken tenders.

This only applies to chicken that was packaged Friday and delivered to Fort Chicken and Danville.

(WOMAN) Morning, honey. Ahem.

Rise and shine.

Morning, Mum. How's the book going?

Good. Yeah, I've been working really hard on it.

Rewriting it. It's a first draught, you know. Did you get a chance to read the manuscript? I did and I loved it.

Oh. Any thoughts? Criticisms? No, I thought it was wonderful.

I won't become a better writer if I don't get constructive criticism. Please.

I'm begging you. Well, um, I did think the characters were a tiny bit unlikeable.

That's more like it. Noted. And it was a little slow.

I found myself a little bored, to be honest.

And I heart honesty. I also didn't know what was going on or where we were. It wasn't explained well.

I couldn't figure out the plot. It was kind of insulting.

And there was no specificity in terms of time and place.

And where was the inciting incident? OK, OK, this is... Wow.

Thank you, heh.

But mostly I loved it.

Now, get up and teach those summer school kids how to write like you.

Chapter one. The boat was evil, but he loved the boat.

Chapter one. The boat was evil, but he didn't know just how evil.

The boat was evil, but it was an acceptable level of evil.

Chapter one. The sea-faring vessel, The Schooner, was evil.

Ah. It's getting there.

Jesus. I've come full circle. How very, very utterly depressing.

What's up, amigo? Hey.

You're not my dealer. No, I'm Clint...

Hey, you don't sell shrooms do you? No. I'm Clint Hadson.

(MAN OVER RADIO) Is that Hudson?

Hadson. Yeah, it's him. I'll let him in.

Oh. So that's a no on the shrooms? Right.



(CLINT) Excuse me.

I'm having trouble...


(WOMAN) Don't you forget, you're grounded.

When school's over you come straight home.

Fuck you, Mum. (WOMAN) Oh, yeah? Fuck you.

I'm just gonna miss you so much. Can't I take it off?

No. The playground is a war zone.


Watch it. Sorry. Didn't see you there.

Well, maybe you should take in your surroundings more.


Mr. Hudson. (CLINT) Hadson.

Hi. Uh, call me Clint. Righteous.

Thanks for coming on such short notice.

Mrs. Kenner is down with the flu, or maybe she's pregnant.

She is Mormon, so that's a possibility.

I'm vice principal Simms. Principal Hodges is in the Bahamas.

You know what they say.

When the cat's away, the vice principal becomes acting principal.

I forgot they say that.

(SIMMS) Teacher's lounge is across the way.

Go get a cup of joe. It's not strong enough for my taste.

To deal with these terrors I need the high-octane stuff. Isn't that right?

Heh, she's hilarious. A lot of personal tragedy.

Come on in to this office. Pull up a ball chair.

Got a cell phone?

Um, yeah.

I'm gonna have to take it. Are you serious?

Yep. This is a no cell-phone campus. We can't ask the kids to give up something we're not willing to. So hand over that crackberry.

Booyah. Now, I gotta warn you, I run a pretty tight ship.

Yeah, I'm fine with that.

Heh, it's funny you should say that. I'm actually writing a book about a ship.

Well, it's more of a boat. I have it with me.

If you're asking me to describe my pedagogical "philosophy"

I'm not. Some charter schools out of Boston are "absolutely" "revolutionising" "education."

I'm not sure you know how air quotes work.

I wanna bring these kids back to a pre-digital era.

No cell phones, and I don't care if it's raining labradoodles, I wanna get those kids outside during recess.

Heck, I'll lock them out. And I will do that.

Now, here's a map of the school. Mrs. Kenner is in Room 12.

Oh, I don't need that. I actually used to go here. Class of '88.

Hey, you know what that is? That's out of sight.

All right. Shouldn't joke about guns though.

No. Not in a school.

Yeah. That's not funny.

My partner's name is David. He is awesome.

He's a little bit older, but really has this amazing body.

If I'm being completely honest, he does have these fantastic balls that I just love to play with.

They're firmer and fuzzier, so...

Heh, tennis partner. Heh, David's my tennis partner. Heh.

Hi there. Um, you know which one of these is Mrs. Kenner's?

Buddy, I don't know what that bitch drinks out of.

Here's what I do know. I know that this is a rape button.

It emits a shit-crazy alarm that will inform local police, who'll arrive within two minutes should you decide to get touchy and/or feely.

Wanna know why I have a rape button? Don't answer.

Because the State of Illinois doesn't trust the citizenry enough to pass safe, sensible, conceal and carry laws.


So any of these then?


Hm. She's a little tightly wound, huh?


Oh, my God.

Lucy? Lucy McCormick?

It's Clint Hadson. Oh, my God.

Wow, what are you doing here? I'm subbing for Mrs. Kenner.

Oh, my God. Amazing.

I heard you lived in New York.

Yeah, I did. In Brooklyn.

But now I'm in town for a while. Staying at Charman's.


Who's Charman? My mum.


But it's the guesthouse, so it's...

So you're a teacher now?

No. Well, I mean yes.

I subbed a little in New York, but I'm a writer.

That's great.


God, it's a scorcher out there, huh?

Unseasonably warm.


Uh, Wade, have you met Clint?

I have not. Wade Johnson. Pleased to meet you with meat to please you.

Actually, we kind of met earlier. You parked me in.

What are you talking about? Nothing. It's... It's fine.

It's just that, um, you parked so close that I couldn't get out of my car.

My truck's got a dual real wheel.

I'm sorry? Dual real wheel.

Dual real... Dual real...

Dual real real. Dual real...

Dual real wheel.

Dual real... Real real.

It's got a dual real wheel. Dual real wheel. Dual real...

Dual real. I don't understand.

It's got two extra wheels on the back part of it.

Dual rear...

So, Clint, heard tell you were a writer, hmm?

What have you written? Ah. Nothing that you've read, yet.

I'm actually working on my first novel.

Really? Yeah.

Oh, yeah, well, that's actually why I'm home.

You know, just to hunker down and bang out that story.

But, uh, I need a few shekels.



Hebrew for... Doug.

...currency. Yeah. OK.

Wow. Good for you. That's so exciting. Thanks.

What's it about?

Oh. Uh, well, it's a horror novel.

Um, it's about a guy who buys a boat, but the boat turns out to be possessed.

Like Christine.

I'm sorry? Christine by Stephen King.

The guy buys a car and it's possessed.

Um, but this is about a boat. So it's like Speed 2?


Sandra Bullock, yes, of course, and...

Keanu Reeves? Jason Patric.

I am the biggest Jason Patric fan. Jason Patric, heh.

Lost Boys. Kiefer. "They're not lost, they're vampires."


They got lost. All right. Let's roll.


Your classroom is actually right next to mine. I can walk you if you want.

Um, yeah. That would be great.

You are so fucking ugly.

If my butthole had a butthole, that's what you'd look like.

Yeah, you look like my butthole's ass.

BOY 1: You look like you got chicken pox.

If chicken pox was made out of haemorrhoids.

Yeah, if chicken pox was made out of my ass.

And here we are. Fourth grade, that's me, heh.

And you're right up there. Good luck. Holler if you need anything.

Or you can ask Wade. The athletic office is right down there.

Yeah, what's with that guy? He seems like a bit of a dick.

Heh. He's my boyfriend.

Sorry, I'm late. I was helping a friend out.

Eric, what is that? You just put that right down now.

Hey, did somebody order a sub?

Tough crowd, heh.


My uncle's cancer took his stomach.

But his divorce took his mind.


That was my weekend. Let's begin class.

Maybe we were created by an all-knowing God who sent down his only son to die for us, or maybe we were monkey people who sat around crapping in each other's mouths until one day we were like:

"I don't like all this hair. Just on my head and crotch, please."

Who can say?

I can't, because the State of Illinois doesn't allow me to, Hank.

I know I'm the substitute, but I'm also a friend.

It wasn't so long ago that I was sitting exactly where you are.

In fact, don't tell those other teachers, but I want you to call me by my first name.

"Cunt"? What?

No. You can't say...

OK, no. Uh, my name is Clint.

You know what? Just call me Mr. Hadson.

I'm not really a teacher. I'm only substituting to pay the bills.

I'm actually writing a horror novel. Pretty cool, huh?

Yeah, real cool, asshole.


Excuse me? What's your name? Patriot.

He got held back. Shut up.

Your name is Patriot?

That's right.

I was born on September 11th.

God sent me on that day.

That's why on my 18th birthday, I'm joining the Marines just to kick some towel-head ass.

Wow. A lot to unpack there.

First off, could you keep the language down, please?

Otherwise, I'll send you outside.

Yeah, while you were talking, I just looked at like a hundred vaginas.

All right. Give me that. Why?

You're not allowed to have it. Your principal told me.

How about I start crying and suggest to my parents about how you touched me inappropriately?

Wait. You didn't happen to write on a Prius this morning, did you?

OK. So I actually have the first draught of my new novel with me.

Who would like to come up here and read the first chapter?

And then you guys can give me some notes.

Great. What's your name? Ahem. Douche.

Calvin. Calvin, come on down.

Go ahead.

"Chapter one. Trent always loved boats, but when he spent his life savings on the Anna Marie, he didn't know he'd just charted a course to evil.

It was an easy money transaction..."

You'd be good in a horror novel.



You listening to me?



All right. Everyone calm down. Stay here.

I'm gonna take Patriot to the nurse. Come on. Come on.

Don't be a baby.

Come on, Patriot. Let me see. Come on.

(NURSE) This is going to need stitches. There's nothing I can do about it here.

He's gonna have to go to the hospital. That's OK.

Patriot can handle it.

Right, Patriot? You're a Marine.


Beautiful, beautiful shrooms.


So one of my students tried to eat another one's face off.

How's your day going? I'm really sorry about this morning.

What happened? Uh, I called your boyfriend a dick.

I didn't know you guys were dating and now I feel awkward.

No, in your classroom. What happened?

Oh. This girl went ape-shit on this kid. She was biting him.

I sent him to the nurse. Did you send her to the principal?

You kidding? I wanted to give her a high-five. That kid's a dick.


(BOY) Hey.

You bit my friend's face.


What, are you sick or something?

Hey, you bitch.


I just wanted to say to them, like, "Guys, I'm a writer who moved here from New York City.

"Like, I'm way cooler than your regular teacher."

This day could've been super fun. Kids are always rough on subs.

This is different from what we were like growing up.

They're, like, not even kids.


The fuck?

He can't be that funny.


So single. Ooh-la-la.


Yeah, I'm such a catch.

You'll be beating off the women in Fort Chicken.

Oh, yeah. Fort Chicken girls.

Yeah, the hottest.


(WOMAN) What is happening here, kids?


What is wrong with me?

Oh, no, you didn't.

(MAN OVER RADIO) Vice Principal Simms?

Yeah, you're go for Simms.

I'm under some medication for a medical condition So I may not be seeing things correctly.

But I'm pretty sure I might be seeing some of your students possibly eating Mr. Peterson.

Again, it could be the medication.

OK. All right. Shaw's over.

Hey, I may be acting principal, but you all are acting crazy.

Hey, don't... Don't...


I have bursitis. I have bursitis in my elbow.

Who...? Who is your homeroom?




Get... Get out of there.


It's so good to see you. (CLINT) It's good to see you too.

Oh, look. Carnage.

Somebody call the police. Wait. Oh, hey, my button.


Come on, Johnson. What the fuck is happening?

What the fuck is happening?

Wait, there's Wade. Wade.


Oh, God.

All right, listen up.

I'd back off if I was you.

I was an all-state football champion, y'all are a bunch of kids.

Look, we've all wanted to do that to Vice Principal Simms, OK?

I know I have.

But a...

A line has been crossed.

You can't eat the teachers, man.

Calm down right now.


Come on, Johnson.

Run, Johnson.

They attacked the vice principal.

(MAN OVER PHONE) Ma 'am, you need to calm down.

Then they started chas... Hello? Hello?


(TRACY) The phones are dead.


Those kids are fast.

I was twice voted running back of the year, Cary County, and should've went a third year, but it was political...

What the fuck are you trying to say? Do not go out there. Those kids...


Oh, God. Oh, no, no, no. It's Angela.

Hi, Angela. It's me, Mr. Lacey.

Oh, there's Dave. Dave's coming.


See, everything's gonna be fine.

Shit, man. Five-0.

Fuck it. I ain't going down.

All right, kids. Settle down.

You little guys need to tell me what's going on.


You all eat cherry pie for lunch or something? What's going on?

I'm here to help. Think of me just like Batman. I'm a helper.


What the fuck?!


Fuck this. I gotta do something. No. You can't go back out there.

No. Let me alone. Wade?


Oh, my God.

Oh, God.

What the fuck, freak?


He's gonna bite your face. I can see that.

He'll tear your goddamn face off. You'll look like that chimp woman.

You're achieving nothing.

Help me! Let me burn his face!

Who is that lady?

Anybody have a key? Probably not.

Let's go. Wait, wait, wait.

We can't just leave her there. (WADE) Come on.

Move. Move.

Come on.

Come on, we gotta get out of here. Follow me. I do CrossFit.

No, don't do it. (MAN) You sons of bitches.



Go, go, go. (LUCY) Wade, what...?

In here.

Kill him! I hate it! Kill him! No. Wait. He's not like the others.

And I'm not saying that because you're the only black student.

Differences make life beautiful. What's going on?

Kill him! No, wait. Tracy's right.

Calvin, are you OK? You don't have a thirst for blood or anything?

Why would I? I'm studying for my test.

Great. How's it going? OK, fuck the test.

We gotta seek out higher ground. OK. Come on, Calvin.

You come with us.


We're clear. In here, come on.

Come on. Close the door. Close the door.

Close the door. Get it.

Hey, hey. Is everyone OK? I think so. Yes.

Are you OK? Can we please take a moment...?

Get in here. Come on. Come on.

She has blisters.

We're safe. The door is locked. They can't get through these windows.

The phone's out in here too.

Can somebody explain to me what is going on? What is going on?!

I blame rap music.

I hated my teachers in school. But I never tried to kill them.

They got cooties. What?

That's what they're always saying that girl Shelly has. Cooties. She's dirty.

Calvin, that's not very nice. No, he's right.

In a... In a way. If you'll follow me, you'll see...

You're not hurt, are you? (WADE) No, I'm good.

...she has the raised blisters of a vi...

A virus.

I'm OK. We're safe here, right?

Everybody feels OK? And we're all safe.

It's pretty interesting actually.

I knew we'd work it all out, heh.

I would love to get inside your head.


She's gone to commit murder somewhere else.

All right, ladies, here's the plan.

We get down on that ledge, jump to the ground, hightail it like linebackers to our cars, boom.

I thought you tried to outrun them.

You said they were too fast for you. Yeah, but that was before I had a weapon.

A violin?

Not just a violin. It's an instrument of death.

I propose we create a symphony of death.

Everyone grab an instrument. Here. You take this.

Oh, yeah, that'll be real effective. I'm offering leadership.

What are you offering, besides throwing hot pots of coffee at people, or a stupid book no one wants to read about a guy who wants to fuck a boat?

It's not about a guy who wants to fuck a boat.

It's about obsession and possession... He wants to fuck the boat.

Listen... Listen, Stevie King...

There's an invention called a cell phone that your school confiscated.

We need to get to the office, grab our phones and call someone who can help quarantine these kids.

We're in a lockdown in case you haven't noticed.

We have been breached. There are little cootie kids out in the hallway who will fucking rip your face off with their little teeth.

(CLINT) Well, shit... Their big teeth haven't come in yet.



You carry on with your symphony of death.

I'll sneak around the school where there aren't kids.

Oh, you sneak around, huh? Sneak around like a little hobbit.

I'm taking the fight to them like a fucking orc.

That's the difference between you and me.

I don't wanna scurry. I don't scurry like a common squirrel.

Both of you be quiet! The only way we're gonna get anywhere is if we turn our frowns upside down and try to get along. OK?

You know how I beat the terrorists after 9/11?

With a positive attitude. It's true. She did.

I don't think going back for our cell phones is necessarily a great idea.

Even though it's wonderful that you're trying. We welcome all suggestions.

Wait, I just thought of something. What is it?

Um, it's just an idea for Keel Them All. The hero's trapped on the boat and my mum doesn't understand why he wouldn't just call for help. I got it.

He left his phone on the dock.

What are you talking about?

Oh, sorry. My book.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Unbelievable. Your book is called Keel Them All?

OK, can we convene the book club a little later on, please?

Wade, I think maybe your idea is maybe an unwise idea also.

Seriously, Lucy? I'm sorry.

So, what do you propose?

That we wait here until 3.00.

Um, OK, what happens at 3.00?

At 3.00 the parents will come to pick up their kids.

We get on the roof and signal them for help.

I like that idea. It's a good one. Better than your fucking idea.

Anything's better than your idea. Oh.

Clint, are you OK? That sounds...

Yeah, no. I'm fine. I'm fine.

What happened to your arm?

Oh, it's nothing... Ah.

(WADE) Oh, shit. What? It's just a scratch.

He's infected. It's nothing. I'm fine.

(WADE) You got cooties, motherfucker. Time for a quarantine.

No. I'm feeling fine. (WADE) You're coming with me.

Stop resisting. Don't resist. I feel fine.

Quarantine. (LUCY) Wade. Wade.

(CLINT) Let me out, asshole.

(WADE) Nobody else go in there.


I'm going in.

Doug, don't... I don't care-.




(MAN OVER RAND) We have some breaking news developing in the suburb of Fort Chicken this morning...

(LUCY) What if he...? Excuse me. Listen up, please.

Could everybody please listen up?

Guys, don't make me ask again. Quiet. Quiet, please.

Please, be quiet. None of us are talking.

(DOUG) Rebekka.

Quiet, please.

Thank you. It is my opinion that Clint has been infected with... I knew it.

...whatever those kids have out there. Oh, my God.

(DOUG) It doesn't seem to be affecting him the same way.

He's only exhibiting mild stomach-flu symptoms.

Nausea, cramps, a little diarrhoea, vomiting, mild anal leakage.

But it is my hypothesis that we are safe from him for now.

He will not attempt to murder us or tear us limb from limb.

He just has the flu. Hold on a second.

How do you...? How do you know all this?

(DOUG) Well, Rebekka, I just examined his fluids with two of histories oldest scientific instruments. My hands.


Heh, don't worry. I'm wearing gloves. (TRACY) Oh, no, you're not.

(DOUG) No. No, you're not.

(WADE) Damn it, Doug. (TRACY) Keep it together.

I see.

OK, OK, it doesn't matter.

Listen, the sub stays locked in the closet.

He gets a clean bill of health at 3.00, then we'll talk.



Go time.

Keep your distance, Grisham. (CLINT) There's vomit there.

Sorry. Watch your step. (TRACY) Are you all right?

(LUCY) How you feeling? Come on. Um, better.

OK. That's yours. Oh, thank you.

(LUCY) Wait. Oh, I know that car.

That's the PTA president, Racer Dopkins' mum.

She gets here early to open the gates.

Hey, hey, over here! Hey!

Hey! Hey!


Call for help! Use the phone!

This could fall apart. I'm just thinking about the children.

Hey! (WADE) 911!

Those little bastards are gonna kill her.

She's gonna be fine. Wait, there he is.

(TRACY) No, no. Don't open the door.

She doesn't even see him. Don't let him in! Don't let him in!

Who's Mummy's angel? Who's Mummy's angel?

Yes, you are. Yes, you are.

Get out of the car! No!

You tell Simms that $300 won't cut it. Mrs. Dobkins!

Mrs. Dobkins, don't do it!

God, Steve. Don't even give me that.

I know what's going on in the school 24/7.

Come on, Racer. Let's go.


You wanna go to soccer practise or not, honey puckle?


I'm not gonna be the one holding the book at the book ride again this year.

No. You...

Racer, what the hell are you doing to your brother back there now?


They go right for the face. (LUCY) I told you.

We have to warn the others. They'll be here any second.

They'll massacre the other parents.


Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God! Help me.

She's not one of them. How do you know?

Look at her face. It's not covered in pox.

Help her. Oh, God. They're coming.

They're coming.

They're coming.

They're getting up on the roof. They're in the tree.


Come on! Go, go, go!

(WADE) Where do we go? (MAN) Go, go, go.

To the auditorium.

(WADE) Don't give up. Let's go.

Move, move, move.


Help! Get it off me! Get it off!




Wade, I...

(TAMMY) Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Tammy, why don't you and Calvin come on over here with me?

That guy always cheated off me. Calvin.

I'll make sure all the doors are secure.

(REBEKKA) Why...? Why is his blood black?

I don't know.

That's what I wanna find out.

I think I'm gonna dissect him.

Hey, look at us. We're fine. We're fine.

You know, we're still us, because... You know why?

Because none of us got bitten or scratched.

I did.


It's fine. We'll go to the washroom and wash it out with soap so it won't get infected, OK? What do you say?

Oh, God. I can't believe you're doing this.

I can't believe boys pee in those. I mean, that's disgusting.

That's disgusting?

It's not disgusting to have boys staring at each other's penises?

What's wrong with that? OK, we got bigger things to worry about.

Well, this is interesting.

Oh, my God. Oh, God.

(REBEKKA) Oh, God. I'm gonna extract the brain.

Oh, that's just rude. (REBEKKA) Damn it.

(MAN OVER RADIO) The preliminary reports have been confirmed.

Children are for some reason violently attacking their parents in front of Fort Chicken Elementary.

We have reports of victims around the city.

Authorities have no idea what is going on.

Stay inside, stay in your cars, do not go out...


(VOICE) Dude, this is totally tripping me out.

Are you on shrooms too?


Can I get you anything? I'd really rather be left alone, Lucy.

Wade, can we please talk?

I don't wanna talk.

I know you don't, but I do.

Why don't you talk to your boyfriend about it?

Clint and I went to school together.

I haven't seen him in 15 years.

I walked in this morning, the guy was fucking hitting on you and you were eating it up.

Are you kidding me? No, I'm not.

You can't even deny it. Deny it.

Clint and I were just talking.

And I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings. I didn't mean to.

Oh. Look, I'm sorry.

I know neither of us thought this was how the day was gonna go when we woke up this morning. No, we didn't.

I thought today was gonna go way different than this.

You have no idea. I bought you a ring yesterday, Lucy.

Then I walk in and I see you laughing and smiling at that little asshole.

And you know what I thought?

I thought, "Wow, she looks so pretty when she smiles.

"How come she never smiles at me like that?"

I'll talk to you later, Lucy.

And go fuck yourself.


Prognosis is not good.

As you can see, most of the grey and white matter has been...

Rebekka, quiet please.

Most of the grey and white matter has been severely infected.

It's showing the beginning stages of necrosis and decomposition.

All these black areas are basically dead.

I mean, they can run, jump, eat, but they're not human anymore.

Not really. Once again, how do you know all this?

I learned all about the brain when I had a 6" spike lodged in my skull as a child.

Which is the reason why, you may have noticed, sometimes I use the wrong rowboat.

Word. Word.

Now, bacteria can't cross the blood brain barrier.

So I'm thinking this is more likely a virus.

What kind of virus would do that?

A pretty nasty one.

Calvin said Shelly Lanker was the first to bite.

Right? Yeah.

What about Clint and Tamra? All it did was make them sick.

I have a theory about this.

Hold on a moment.

Tamra? (TAMRA) Yeah?

Have you achieved menses? (TAMRA) What?

(LUCY) No, he's...

...asking you if you've had your period yet.

(TAMRA) Um, I really don't wanna say. You wear a bra, right?

(TAMRA) Yeah. Thank you.

I gave you an A in sex ed, Tamra.

Little disappointed you don't know what menses are.

Why is sex ed always taught by the creepiest teacher? Clint, quiet please.

It seems the virus is susceptible to androgens.

The pre-pubescent body has testosterone and oestrogen, but at puberty the body's glands create a feedback cycle that increases gonadotropins... What are you trying to say?

Talk like a person. Please?

The virus is only dangerous if you haven't gone through puberty.


What's going on? How'd they do that? (WADE) Everyone stay calm.

Calvin. Oh, shit. Calvin.

(LUCY) Calvin. (CLINT) Over here, guys.

(LUCY) Calvin? Wake up. Wake up.

Calvin. Quit slapping me.

(LUCY) He's diabetic. He needs to eat.

We need to get him a candy bar or a soda.

Wade, do you have any snack bars or something?

I got creatine powder. He needs something with sugar.

This body is a no-carb zone.


What was that?

Probably one of the demented children that's been trying to murder us all day.

It's coming from over there.

They're in the boiler room. They can't be.

I've checked all these doors. They're locked.


(REBEKKA) Oh, my God. They have keys?

You said they couldn't do stuff like that.

They're gonna get in. We're all going to die.

This can't be the end. I'm not published.

Wade, I thought about it and I can't marry you.


Jesus, it's the fucking janitor. Hitachi?

(REBEKKA) What are you doing here? The lights are out.


We gotta move. Go.

(WADE) Come on!


Move it, move it.

Watch your step.

What the hell?

You live down here? (HITACHI) Yes.

Where are we? Oh, my God.

We have a kid who needs help. He's diabetic. Do you have any food?



I'm afraid that won't work. No.

The microwave.

(MAN OVER RADIO) This is the emergency broadcast system for the township of Fort Chicken, Illinois.

Effective immediately, the mayor of Fort Chicken has announced mandatory evacuations of neighbourhoods east of Winslow Avenue.

Authorities are reporting the spread of a highly contagious virus.

Reports say...


We're alone.

We're all gonna die, aren't we?

No. No, we're not. There's a snack machine in the teacher's lounge, right?

Yeah. How many people can fit in your truck?

Told you, it's a dual real wheel. Dual real... It's a dual real whe...

Probably eight. Where are the keys?

With my jacket. (CLINT) Which is where?

Back in the teachers' lounge which is impossible to get to.

Where does that lead?

Conditioning of air.

So this duct takes us to the teacher's lounge?

We take the duct to the lounge.

We get something from the vending machine and grab Wade's keys.

We get back here, fix Calvin up and take the duct to the parking lot.

If we're near the office we should grab our phones too.

But who's going up into that thing? Who's teensy, weensy enough to fit...?

Me? No, no, no.

No, I... No, I definitely don't do brave stuff.

I've never even been camping. I have a blog.

I get excited about Apple products. That's what I'm comfortable with.

(WADE) Here we go.

By letting you guard this, I'm trusting you with my entire life.

Circle, circle, dot, dot, now you have a cootie shot.

It'll protect you. Thanks, Tamra.


(DOUG OVER RADIO) Remember, Clint. If you fail, we're all gonna die.

(CLINT OVER RADIO) I appreciate the update.

You're doing great. Just trust yourself. Yeah, and your cock is girthy too.

(CLINT) Fuck off, Wade. You fuck off.

Both of you out it out.

You know who you sound like? You sound like your students.

(CLINT) I don't have students. I'm not a teacher. I'm a writer.

Yeah, self-published, writer. I'm self-published too.

Doug, you wanna buy my book?

(DOUG) There are no words on this.

You know what? I'm going to... Lucy, what are you doing?

No. No, you are not... You can't do anything to stop me!

If I wanna go in the fucking air-conditioning duct, I'll go.

I'm just gonna die anyway just like the rest of you assholes.

So maybe I'm gonna try and do something brave.

A final pointless gesture of kindness in this cruel shitty world that likes taking gestures of kindness and shitting and peeing on them.

You know what else? Since you're all gonna be dead soon anyway, I should tell you I hate every single one of you.


It's me. It's me! I'm coming with you whether you like it or not, so shut up.


This makes me so nervous.

He paces like this late at night when he's on the phone too.

It's just ridiculous.

How do you know that?

You'd better not let anything happen to her.

That's funny. I was thinking of letting really bad things happen to her.

I will squeeze up in there and slap your dick off.

Thanks for coming to help me. No problem.



I think this is it.




Oh. Um, do you have a dollar? Yeah.

There's Wade's keys.

I'm gonna go check and see if there's a phone.

No, wait for me. No, we don't have time.

You get the candy bar. I'm gonna get a phone.

(CLINT) OK, be careful.

Come on.

Come on.




(LUCY) Clint, get in! Get in! I'm working on it. Come on.

Hurry up!


We're not gonna make it. Go left.

Guys, head's up.

They did it.

Hey, look what we got for you.

(LUCY) Put it back, put it back.

(CLINT) The desk! The desk!

I don't know how much longer I can hold this.


Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Miss Stanford. Jesus.


After the fifth half-eaten corpse you see, it's still horrifying, but somehow slightly less horrifying.


Look out. They're in the vents. They're heading your way.

I'll get the locks. OK.

More stuff. Come on. Here.

(REBEKKA) Here. Let's go. Come on.

Keep it coming. (REBEKKA) Here.


Come on.

(WADE) Got it.

Why do they pound? What does the pounding accomplish?

(CLINT OVER RADIO) Are you guys OK?

Yeah, we're all good. Thanks for the heads-up.

We're not all good. We are trapped in here.

Oh, God, those kids are gonna come in here.

They're gonna rip us to shreds. We get it.

You've got to calm down right now.

I know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Calm.

I'm fine.


I'm calm. OK. Thank you.

Calm down.

I'm calm!

I already said I was calm!

This is like the worst Monday ever.


This probably isn't the greatest timing, but I have a confession to make.

When I saw you this morning, I was only pretending to be surprised.

I knew you taught here.


Yeah, I've been pretty depressed lately and I just wanted to see you.

It's stupid. We haven't had a conversation in like 15 years.

I guess I kind of missed you somehow.

Sorry, that's so creepy. No, it's not creepy.

I'm just surprised.

I heard you were in New York following your dream being a writer.

I have another confession to make.

Remember when I said I wasn't a teacher?

That was a lie too.

That's what I was doing in New York.



Yeah. Yeah, I've been teaching first grade for two years.

I mean, I thought I would have free time to write, um, on my free time, but as it turns out there is no free time.

Teaching is the hardest job in the world.

And I would...

...look out at the kids in my class and I found myself getting jealous of them.

They have the whole world ahead of them.

Their whole lives ahead of them.

They have all these opportunities that have already passed me by.


Nothing. I was gonna tell you, you were wrong, but you sort of have a point.

Oh, that's super comforting. Thanks.




I probably shouldn't have done that. I know. I know.

I can't just barge into your life like that.

Even if I do kind of hate your boyfriend.


Just need a bottle of wine.

Right? One of those backpacks must have some beer in it.

Definitely Ritalin. Probably Adderall too.



There's still so much I haven't done.

Like... Like I've also wanted to fire an Uzi. I don't know.

I wanted a bunny.

I always wanted a bunny growing up and never got one.

You know what I want?

I wanna know why my brother-in-law makes ten times what I do.

You know what he does for a living?

He makes giant foam fingers for football games.

You tell people you're a teacher and they look at you like you must've wanted to do something else.

It's like, "Fuck you, man. I'm raising your kids."

I love my job.

And teachers deserve respect. Yeah.

I'm sorry that it took me until today to realise this,

but I really actually like you guys.


I always wanted to have sex with a prostitute who was non-white.

Is anybody there?


(WADE OVER RADIO) Hey. You OK? Yeah.

(WADE) Hey. Listen, Lucy, about today...

Wade, we can talk about this another time.

Let's not talk about this now. No, I wanna talk about it.

Lucy, I love you and I'm so sorry that I was an asshole today.

Clint's not listening, is he?

No, it's just me. - Good.

Because... Look, I know you're not crazy about your hometown.

And this is not what you pictured growing up that you'd be dating some PE teacher.

I guess I just got jealous that some fancy-pants New York writer was gonna swoop in... No, wait.

I know you've always wanted to live there.

- I don't know that that's something... Wade, it's Clint.

- Damn it, put Lucy back on. I'm not a fancy writer from New York.

I'm a bad writer from Fort Chicken. I live with my mum.

I sleep in a bed I used to pee in.

You're a handsome guy who Lucy likes, and if you guys are meant to be together I'm all for it.

I'm sorry I got in the way.

You really think I'm a handsome guy?

Listen. Thanks, Clint.


Can you put Lucy back on, please?

(LUCY OVER RADIO) Wade, I love you, but I...

(CLINT) Wade, it's me again. Goddamnit!

I have an idea. Listen up.


Oh, dear lord.

(LUCY) Is the coast clear?

If by clear you mean full of terrifying imagery that will take me years of therapy to unsee.


Hey, sweetie.

OK, go for it.

Look, drugs. You hungry for drugs? Want some Ritalin? Some Adderall?

Do you remember how in that movie Commando, and every other eighties action film there was that suiting-up montage?

Well, this is that scene. Yeah.

Now, they've got us outnumbered, outgunned and out...

...numbered, but there's one thing we have that they don't.

The drive to win.

They seem very driven to me.

(WADE) We need to turn this room inside out.

Look under every shelf, inside every box, gather anything you or someone else could use.

We've got to collect everything. We've gotta have bats and tools and ropes and pointy things.

Anything that has a spike on it, anything that's serrated.

We're not playing defence anymore. Darn fourth graders.

You can forget about them. They're gone.

Forget who you think you're fighting. We're going to war.

I used to be a champion.

I'm a little fatter now, I'm a little balder too, but I've still got that spirit.

And they are not taking that away from me.


I've played dodgeball a million times with these little shits.

Go for the face. It's their weak spot.

(CLINT) Huh. I guess they really can overdose on that stuff.

(CLINT OVER RADIO) OK, looks like the Adderall did the job.

They should be knocked out for a while.

When we say go, rendezvous in the main hall, head straight for the back door, then haul ass to Wade's truck. Ready?

We are good to go. We can do this.

Between us we've got 18 regional-championship trophies, three MVPs, and one state-championship ring.

(LUCY OVER RADIO) Wade, those are all your awards.

Exactly, and I'm a part of this team.

That makes us all champions.

Now, are we ready?

Ready. Ready.

I'm gay. I fucking knew it.

Hitachi, you ready?

Yes, Hitachi ready to die.

My father told me story once. Story of frog and caterpillar.

Story goes, it was winter and frog is sitting on snow-covered branch.

The frog saw the caterpillar and asked...

OK, this story is taking way too long. Let's play some dodgeball.


Hey, guys.


OK, I got this.

Come on.


(WADE) Fuck, yeah. Let's go.

Go, go. Move it.

Let's go. (TRACY) OK. Go, go, go.

(WADE) Damn it, I'm out of balls.

Oh, shit.




Rock 'n' roll!


Get back.

Lucy? Where's Lucy? I don't know.

Come on. Come on.

You motherfuckers!

Thanks. Take me to Subway some time.

Lucy. OK. OK.

Get behind me. Get back.

Get back. Get back.

(WADE) Give me the keys.

Get those kids to the truck. Go, go, go.

Get off him!

(LUCY) Come on, let's go.

(REBEKKA) He's behind us.

Get in. Get in.

Hey, Danielle Steel.

Take care of her.


No, no, no, Lucy. No. No. Wade.


No, no, no. Hang on, Lucy. Lucy, no. Wade! No! No!



No, we gotta go. We gotta go. Go.

Get in. Oh, my God.

Oh, God.

(LUCY) Wade?



Lucy, I'm sorry.

What about these kids' parents?

What about our parents?


(LUCY) What? What?

We're almost empty.


Everybody hold on!


(DOUG) Must have been in the back the whole time.

(LUCY) Are you OK? (REBEKKA) Yes.

Oh, my God. What is he doing?

Ram him!

Eat a cock.

Well, that ought to do it.

(CLINT) Guys, up ahead. It's Danville.

(TRACY) At least it's not Fort Chicken.

(LUCY) Oh, no.

(CLINT) Jesus.

(LUCY) They got out.

(REBEKKA) Well, I'd feel worse if all these dead people weren't from fucking Danville.

Well, now we're really out of gas.

Everybody stay close.

Wait. Where's Doug? There he is.

Doug, come on. (DOUG) No, you come here.

They're everywhere.

That's Indiana.

That's Ohio.

It's an epidemic.

Actually the correct term is pandemic.

A pandemic covers a much wider geographical...

That's the Fort Chicken factory.

Is there anything from that factory served in the school cafeteria?

(IN UNISON) Chicken nuggets.

(DOUG) Of course. A food-borne virus.

If I could get homing endonucleases, each one targeting a different specific...

You're doing it again. You're doing it again.

(DOUG) Rebekka, quiet please.

(REBEKKA) OK, see, that time I was actually talking.

(DOUG) If we could isolate the virus and kill it while preserving the capsid...

(REBEKKA) Please dumb it down. If I could find one of the nuggets, maybe I could make a vaccine for the virus.



(CLINT) Everybody look for an open door.

Guys, hurry up. Get in here. Go, go, go.

(CLINT) Everyone OK?

(LUCY) OK, we're here. We made it.

(REBEKKA) Oh, I fucking hate Danville so much.

(CLINT) Everyone stick together.

(REBEKKA) I can't... I can't see anything.

(TRACY) Someone find a li...


It's me. Jesus.

These things are great.

Let's go this way.

(LUCY) Oh, my God. Those are the nuggets.

(DOUG) You'll come in handy, little one.

Nugget out of here. Nugget out... Nugget out of here.

OK. Come on.

Come on.

Where are we?



I hate to say it, guys. (DOUG) Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.




Somebody order a bad-ass?


Now, Hitachi.

Now the time for the frog to fuck the caterpillar?

Whatever, Hitachi.

(CLINT) They're coming. Let's go!

Get in the van! Let's go. Move, move, move!

I thought you were dead.

It was just half time, baby.

Go to the van! Run! Run! Run!


Hurry! Let's go. We can make it.

(CLINT) Help me wedge this in here.

Clint, go. Get out of here.

Kids, kids, go, go, go. Oh, my God.

Is this one of those really intense drug interventions?

I'm giving you kids an F for fuck you!

Go, go, go!

What are you doing? Water won't hold them off.

It ain't water.

Nap time, motherfuckers.

Let's roll.

(LUCY) Where are we going? (CLINT) Place kids don't wanna go.

Wade, how did you find us?

(WADE) I always know where to find my dual re... Real...

My dual re... Dual real... My dual real whe...

Ripped by GoldenBeard

(HITACHI) And the frog fucked the caterpillar. Ha.