Cop Car (2015) Script

Weiner.

Weiner.

Boobs.

Boobs.

Pussy.

Pussy.

Damn.

Damn.

God damn.

God damn.

Ass.

Ass.

Asshole.

Asshole.

Ass face.

Ass face.

How far do you think we've gone?

50 miles.

I think we're almost to the woods. Come on.

Don't get rust poisoning.

Come on!

I thought it was an arrowhead.

Bitch.

Bitch.

Shit.

Shit.

Shithead.

Shithead.

Fuck.

Say it. Fuck.

That's the worst cuss.

Actually, my friend, he's in eighth grade, he says that it's just a different language from Russia, so it's fine to say it.

Oh, look.

What? Snake hole!

I'm gonna leave mine in there in case they try to escape.

Good idea.

Wanna see a magic trick?

No way! Want some?

Yeah.

We gotta ration it, though. Okay.

Two centimeters each a day.

Wait, why don't you keep it in your pocket?

Pickpockets. Got my wallet in here, too.

The creek should be right over... Get down!

What?

It's the cops.

We haven't even been gone that long.


You're right. Did they see us?

I don't think so.

We can distract them.

Throw this on the far side to make a noise.

Oh, crap!

You hit it! Oh, shit!

Shit! I hit a cop car.

Let's go!

Wait, wait, wait! It has my fingerprints on it.

Mine, too. Okay. Go get it.

No way.

Fine. Chicken.

Wait.

Go that way. It's better camouflage.

There's no one in there. They could be hiding.

My dad says sometimes cops put empty cop cars nears roads so that people won't speed 'cause they think they're real cop cars.

But there's no road.

Do you see it?

I don't know. It could be any of them. Come on. Let's just go.

I dare you to touch it.

The cop car?

No way.

If I do it, you have to do it.

Okay.

Ready? Stay low just in case they're hiding.

Now!

Okay.

Your turn.

Oh, crap, oh, crap, oh, crap!

Oh, crap, oh, crap, oh, crap!

Come on, come on, come on!


No way!

Quick, get in.

Get in.

Nuh-uh.

Why? Look.

So?


Hit the boosters!

There's a lot of bad guys behind us!

I'll shoot 'em!

Did you kill 'em? No, look out!

You're driving us right off of a cliff!

No!

Where's the siren? We need to get out of this lava!

Holy shit!

No way.

Which one?

The big one?

It fits.

Do you know how to drive?

Yeah, I know. "Mario Kart."

Yeah, me, too.


Me first! Wait!

Try this one.

Awesome!

Why isn't it going?

It's moving. It's moving!

Quick, get in.

We're gonna get in trouble!

We already ran away. It doesn't matter.

What if someone sees us?

We'll just tell them we're cops.

Good idea.

This is our cop car now.


Oh, shit, oh, shit, oh, shit! Oh, shit, oh, shit!

Oh, shit!

Impossible!

This is our cop car!

This is our cop car!

This is our cop car!

This is our cop car! Cop car!


Oh, shit.


Hello. Hey, hey, hey there.

Hey there, Miranda. Hello, Miranda.

Hey there, Miranda.

Hey. Hello, there.

Dispatch. Hey there, Miranda. Mitch Kretzer.

Hey there, Sheriff. Everything okay?

It's been better, I'm afraid. Oh, no. What's wrong?

Well, I seem to be having some trouble with my radio. Not sure what it is.

Is this the one in your patrol car or the one you got in your truck?

Patrol car.

Some kind of odd interference I'm getting, maybe a trucker channel cutting through or those boys out east with their remote control airplanes. Who knows?

Anything odd on your end? No. No, not that I can think of.

I tried to radio in to y'all ladies. You didn't hear that?

Oh, no. Must not be coming through.

I see that.

I thought y'all was just giving me the cold shoulder.

Never, Sheriff. Okay, well...

I'm gonna see if it's a short in the receiver, and in the meantime, if you do need to reach me, why don't you just go ahead and call me on my cell?

Are you sure you don't want me to send Gary down there to have a look?

No. No. I'm gonna see if I can handle this one by myself.

All righty. Thank you kindly.

Have a good day.


Any games?

Nah.

Now me.

Last car, repeat.

What should I say? Be quiet!

They can't hear unless I push down the button.

I know.

Say cops are... cops are... cops drink diarrhea milkshakes.

Cops drink diarrhea milkshakes and then poop double diarrhea.

Say "shit." Okay.

This is dispatch. Please repeat.

Wait. But they're gonna know we're not cops.

Yeah, you're right. They probably know all the cops' voices.

Can I drive?

It keeps going when I take my foot off this thing. Look.

Why's it doing that? I don't know.

I know. You jump out and run around, and I'll scoot over and be like, "Hurry, get in!"

Okay. One, two, three, go!

That was awesome!


There's a lot of stuff back here.

What do I do? What?

Look.

That's a real road. We can go way faster on the real road.

Should I crash through the gate?

Nah.

I'll get it.

Shit. Did that break it?

It must be titanium.

Can you open the lock? No.

Try hitting it with the car. Okay.

It's working.

A little further.

I'm pushing as hard as I can.

It's working! Push your foot down all the...

Serious shit!

Oh, shit!

That was awesome! Yeah, that was so awesome.


Let's see how fast we can go.

Yeah, okay.

Okay, get it all the way up to the 100.

How fast am I going now?

Let me try.

It still won't stop.

Oh, I know. Pull on that shifter thingy.

Okay, R means go backwards and P means stop.

Makes sense.

This is so awesome!

Look out!


Yeah!


Fuck you, Marcie!


Yeah.

Come on, bitch. Get on there.

Get on there. Come on. Come on.

Get on there, bitch.

Get on.

Okay, baby.

Okay, come to Daddy.

Come on, now.

God!

Oh, shit.

Come on, baby.

Come on, get on there. Get...


Got it.


Dispatch. Miranda. Mitch again.

Hey there, Sheriff. Any luck with that radio?

I'll tell you what, you haven't missed a thing...

Hey, we got any units in the Jefferson area?

Let me check. I think I might have a 2-11 in progress.

Suspect on foot somewhere in the vicinity... in the vicinity of Widefield Drive and Imperial.

Can you call that in for me? Code three.

Sorry, Sheriff, I didn't catch that last part. Widefield and...?

Widefield Drive and Imperial. Code three.

Roll the window down, sir.

License, registration, proof of insurance, please.

Is there a problem?

I'm gonna need you to step out of the car for me, please, sir.

Calling all units. There's a 2-11 in progress.

Suspect on foot near Widefield and Imperial. Code three.

Dispatch, this is 55. I'm 10-95 at Imperial and Cherokee.

I can cover on that.

Just sit tight. I only need to see your registration.

55, copy.

Proceed to Widefield and Imperial. Code three.

10-4. Get those tags changed.


How are you doing today, ma'am?

I'm good. Yourself? I'm fine. Kind of slow.

I swear I think I just saw the craziest thing out there.

Okay, I'll be right back.

Okay.


So you wanna come pick up?

Okay, what would you like?

Okay, enjoy your lunch. Okay, thank you.

Excuse me, Officers?


...more than anyone! Daniel trusts his own to arrive.

They'll go to everlasting life or everlasting death.

Mitch, we're starting to get some radio interference now, too.

Yeah, I'm having a hell of a time with my radio.

It could be. It's the damnedest thing.

We just got a report of a stolen sheriff's cruiser.

A what?

Could be what's causing the interference.

Yeah, but everyone is accounted for, right?

Of course. It's just this lady is sure she saw two kids driving a cruiser out on 110.

Two kids.

How old?

She says under 10.

Under 10. Well...

Miranda, I think we can...

I think we can go ahead and throw that one in the nut file since everyone's accounted for. Of course.

But I'll tell you what.

How about we all switch over to channel seven until we get this sorted out?

Well, we normally keep channel seven open just in case...

There it is again.

Just for my own peace of mind.

I hear you. I'll switch the rest of the boys over to seven.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just... just... just to be safe.

Attention, all units, 10-6 to channel seven.

Attention, all units, please 10-6 to channel seven until further notice.

Please confirm. This is 55 switching to channel seven.

This is 37 switching to channel seven.

45 switching to channel seven.

Please repeat.

This is unit 2-1 switching to seven.

17.

Dispatch, this is 17 switching over to channel seven.

Confirmed. Dispatch switching over to channel seven.


Hello, ladies.

Hush. Hush.

I said hush!

Hey. Hey.


All right, kids. Fun's over.

I know who you are, and you are in a whole hell of a lot of trouble.

Do you understand?

It's downright stupid to steal a police car, but you've done it.

Now, what's done is done.

And what we're looking at is a felony offense.

A felony offense.

And what that means is guaranteed jail time.

The only thing that can help you now is if that car is returned to me in one piece.

And what that means... is you still have a chance to work something out... if you tell me right now where you are.

Do you understand?


Keep going.

A little further.

Oh, perfect, right there.

On three.

One...

two...

Aim for the vest.

...two and a half...

two and three quarters...

Now!

Shit!

Maybe it's out of bullets.

I think the trigger's stuck.

Where's the little gun?

I don't know.

I'll got get some more bullets. Okay.

What do you think this does?

I don't know.

Once again, to the two children who have stolen my vehicle, this does not have to be a felony offense.

Heck, it doesn't even have to be a misdemeanor.

What's important... is that car gets returned to me immediately.

What?

If you do not know how to use the radio, it's easy.

You just pick up the mic and you hold down the little black button and you can talk.

And when you're through, you let go and I can talk.

And no one else can hear. This doesn't have to be...

I just want my car back.

We should get out of here. Yeah, I'll go get the stuff.

No. What?

I mean leave the car.

What? Why?

'Cause we're in big trouble.

We're not in trouble.

You're just too scared to drive fast enough to get away from them.

I drive fast!

You... you don't drive fast. I saw you. You were only going 35, pussy.

No, I'm not! I was driving as fast as you.

Grandma's boy! Hey!

Screw you! Don't push me!

I'm gonna leave and you can go to jail when the cops get here.

I'm not going to jail.

Why not?


Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck! Oh!

Please don't kill me. It wasn't our fault.

I'll do anything. I'll fucking do anything. I'll... I'll fucking do anything.

Just don't kill me. Don't fucking kill me. It wasn't... it wasn't our fault.

I told... I told him, I said, "You're fucking up.

Please. Dude, we gotta do it now." And he said, "No."

My brother, where's... where's my brother, you fuck?

You... you fuck. You don't... you fucked... you killed him.

Don't kill me. Don't kill me. Don't kill me.

I'll fucking... I'll fucking...

Do it!

Do it!

Are you a bad guy?

I'm a good guy. I'm a good guy.

I'm a good... I'm a good guy.

Then why are you tied up? No.

Because I...

I need someone to rescue me.

You boys are gonna rescue me, right?

Maybe.

You know who the bad guy is? The sheriff.

He's a bad, bad guy.

Where is he?

Wait, hey. Hey, don't leave me in here!

Hey!

The fuck? Fuck, don't leave me!

I think he's a good guy. Yeah, me, too.

Okay, let's let him out.

Listen up. We're gonna let you out, but you gotta promise that you won't tell on us.

Of course. I swear.

You can't tell my grandma or his mom or any of our teachers.

Or my stepdad, Chris. I won't tell him.

I won't tell a soul.

Fuck.

This one's really tight.

Yeah. I think you need to cut 'em, all right?

Maybe we can shoot them off. No! No, no, no!

No, don't... don't... don't do that.

All right?

Hey, hey, come here. You know what?

I'm looking at you boys. You seem tough.

You probably... you must have a knife, right? Maybe a pocket knife on you?

I had one, but it got tooken away from me at school.

How about you? You got a knife?

Well, there must be something sharp around here. Go on, take a look.

You, take a look. Yeah, there might be something sharp in here.

Maybe later. We gotta go.

No, no, don't... please. I need you, I need you. Look, this really hurts.

And if you don't get me out, I might... I might die.

We can look.

Take a look. You can stay here.

Hey, y'all best friends?

How old are you?

I'm so glad to see you boys instead of that sheriff.

He's a really, really bad guy. Believe me.

I'm gonna hook you all... I found one.

The tweezers and the toothpick are missing, but it's got the knife part.

That's great, that's great. Come here, come here.

Get to cutting.

Listen, okay? You can't have this cop car. It's our cop car.

We found it and we're not going to let you have it, okay?

Deal. Don't worry, you can have it.

I don't care if I see another cop car as long as I live. In fact...

I'm gonna give you boys a whole bunch of money.

You like naked girls? I'm gonna get you some Playboys.

And some... and some candy. You like candy?


Hello?

Is there anybody there?

Hello, Mr. Sheriff.

My friend and me have your car. I'm real sorry.

We don't want... want to get in trouble, but we don't know how to get back.

We're real scared. We're out here all alo...

You boys sure had me.

Okay. All right.

All right, nothing to worry about now.

What's important is that we get you boys home safe.

Now... you didn't touch anything, did you?

A lot of dangerous equipment in my car. You didn't open the trunk there, did you?

No. Okay. That's good.

That's... that's good.

Now, this is what I want you to do. I want you to set yourself in the backseat.

Don't touch anything. Anybody comes by, you just say help is on the way.

You're doing a real special job guarding the car for the sheriff.

Do you understand? Yeah.

Okay. All right.

Now... you say that you don't know how to get home.

Do you know where you are?

What street you're on? No.

Well, take a look around. You see any street signs?

No. All right. Okay.

Well... well, the road that you're on, is it a dirt road?

No.

Good. Good.

Now tell me, is it a hilly road?

Is it a hilly road or is it a flat road?

Flat. Okay. All right.

Now... now take a look around. You see any houses?

Anything at all that might help me find you?

I see some windmills.

A windmill.

Well... that's great.

That's great. You know what?

I think I know where to find you.

What's your name, son?

Harrison.

And your little partner there, what's his name?

Travis.

You boys did the right thing calling me. You just sit tight. Help is on the way.

And don't you worry. You are not...

In. ...in any kind of trouble.

Stop fidgeting, you little shit!

That gun doesn't even work!

That's right.

Look.

He can't hear us.

What's he doing?

I don't know.

Maybe he's looking to go to the bathroom.

I hate him.

I think he's trying to hide.

He sucks at hiding.

Why does he need both guns?

He's a gun hog.

Here he comes.


Where are we going?

Are we going home?


Hey!

This sucks.

Yeah, this... fucking sucks.


Where'd he go?

He's hiding.

He's gonna shoot us.

Maybe he won't.

Okay.

Now, the man that owns this car is gonna be here real soon. You understand?

And when he gets here, I need you boys to do something for me. Okay?

You can't tell him where I'm hiding.

He can't even know I'm here.

He's gotta think I'm still in the trunk. Why?

Shut up!

Just do what I said. Just keep quiet.

Because if you don't, you know what I'm gonna have to do?

Shoot us? No, I won't.

But what I will do is...

You... you got a mom and dad? My grandma.

You got a pet? A guinea pig.

You? Snake and a dog.

You live with your mom or dad? My mom and my stepdad.

What I'll do is go by your house. And first I'll kill your dog.

I'll take a hammer, hit him in the head until the hammer's covered in brains.

And then I'll take that snake of yours and I'll slit him open top to bottom.

Then, your mom... well, she'll probably have heard that and she'll wonder, "What's going on?"

And when I see her, you know what I'll do to her?

Shoot her in the face. And your stepdad, too.

Make both their faces into ground beef.

And you...

I'll take that... what you call it, guinea pig?

And I'll throw him against the ground as hard as I can.

But that probably won't kill him.

And so while he's squirming around down there, down in the dirt, I'll stomp him with my boot. Crush that guinea pig of yours.

And your grandma...

I'll slit her throat with a big ol' knife.

And she'll scream for you to "Come on and help me," but no sound will come out. And you want to know why?

'Cause you can't scream with a slit throat.

You understand?

So... when the sheriff shows up looking for his car, what are we gonna do?

Be quiet.

Great.

You're eating a Slim Jim now? No. Look.

Next time he comes back, you should shoot him.


Here he comes.

Shoot him.

Shoot him.

Shoot him.

Why didn't you shoot him?

You do it.


Should we tell?

What if this guy kills our families?

He just wants his car back.

I don't know.

Fuck! Fuck!

You boys sure gave me a fright.

Holy hell!

What do you say we get you home safe?

Okay, now you boys answer me, now.

Did you open up the trunk?

Was there somebody inside the trunk?

Did you open the trunk? Did you open the trunk?

Did you open the trunk? Did you open the trunk?

Did you open the trunk?

Boy, you answer me now... or I will shoot you dead right through this door.

Tell me right now... where is he?

Son...

I am the only person out here that you can trust.

I'm the only one that can help you.

Oh, fuck.

I knew it!

You little shits! I knew I wasn't crazy!

You think you can ride down this highway and I won't know about it?

I know these roads like the back of my hand! What's wrong with you?

Don't think you can play dumb with me. I saw you.

You almost ran me off the road.

You are in so much trouble!

Get out of the car!

Hey! I'm talking to you!

Step outside the car.

Come on.

Get out! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Ma'am. Are you okay?

I'm gonna need you to calm down. I'm a police officer.

Are you bleeding? I'm so... Ma'am!

What? I'm gonna need you to stop talking.

All right? All right? Okay. Okay.

Just nod your head. Just nod. Okay.

Just nod it at me. All right.

I've been injured by a perpetrator.

He is the father of the two boys that are inside this vehicle.

You are okay.

He has fled the scene and everything is okay, but I'm gonna need your help with something.

All right? Now listen up.

After I was attacked, he threw my keys on the other side of the road, way over there.

And what I'm gonna need you to do is go ahead, cross the road and see if you can find my keys for me so that I can radio for assistance. You see, I cannot walk.

Do you understand?

Yeah.

Why don't I just call somebody to come and get you?

No. No, no. No need to call.

Just head on over there and see what you can find.

Go on.

Go on. You okay?

Yeah.

Go on. Okay.

Just take a good look around there.

It's gonna be hard to find them out here. There's so much tumbleweed.

Cover as much ground as you can.

Yeah, and... just keep your eyes peeled, okay?

Okay? Okay!

Are you the woman that reported the children driving the cruiser?

Yeah. Yeah, that was me.

Everyone said that I seen it wrong, but I knew I saw them.

Well, you did a real good thing, ma'am.

It's... it's... it's citizens like you that make a difference in our community.

Taking an active role. I don't see anything.

You didn't find anything?

Nothing at all?

Keep looking.

Oh, my God.

There's a man out there!


Help! Help!

Help!

Help! Help!

Help!

What time do you think it is?

I don't know.

I gotta go to the bathroom.

We have to go.

I think they're dead.

I was gonna try to shoot out the window.

Dang it, how do these work?

Let me try.

Come on. Try like...

Try to smash the window with it.

Let me throw it.

If this would just...

How'd you do that? I don't know!

My ears!


Wait!

I think something hit me.

You should've worn the bulletproof vest.

I know.


Where's the lights? It's by the shifter thing.

It's not working.

It's okay. It doesn't hurt much anymore.

Boys.

Boys, I know you can hear me.

Slow down, boys. It's all right.

I just... I just want my car back.

Son of a bitch.

You don't...

steal...

a fuckin'... cop car!

We did it! Travis!

Take me home quick. Quick.


Sheriff, you out there?

Sheriff, can you hear me?

Do you copy?

This is dispatch.

Do you copy?

See? There's no one out there.

Hello?