Corky Romano (2001) Script

MAN: Gentlemen, here's what we're up against.

Romano, Francis A.

Also known as "Pops."

Alleged leader of the Romano crime family, with a network of racketeering, prostitution, and underground casinos polluting the tri-state area.

This is Paulie Romano, Pop's oldest son.

He's popular with the ladies and good with a knife.

Though Paulie seems to have those around him fooled, sources indicate he is functionally illiterate and has an inferiority complex, leading to unexpected outbursts of violence.

Peter Romano, pop's youngest son and the alleged muscle of the family.

Spent time upstate after a barroom incident.

Though he hides it well, word is he's got deeply repressed homosexual tendencies, also leading to unexpected outbursts of violence.

Leo Corrigan, Pop's right-hand man.

He's our informant still inside the family circle.

With the information we've received from Leo, we've finally got Pops Romano right where we want him.

REPORTER: Mr. Romano! Mr. Romano!

LAWYER: Okay, okay, okay.

Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it.

REPORTER: What's your response to the charges against you?

What we have here is a modern-day witch hunt.

The only thing my client is guilty of is having a vowel at the end of his name.

MALE REPORTER: Pops, what do you think about spending the rest of your life in prison?


Pops! Pops!

MAN 1: Help! Get an ambulance!

MAN 2: Pops, get up! MAN 1: Call an ambulance!

POPS: Stop that!

Stop it!

Get out of here.

Stop it!

Hey, what's all this lying around crap?

Get out of bed, you old faker.

Bet you got scotch in this I.V., huh?

Ah, Leo, I'm gettin' old.

I can't even remember doing half of this shit they're trying to pin on me.


Pop, the trial's in a week.

I mean, they claim they got an airtight case...

Names, dates, numbers...

Info on the whole organization.

Well, the only way they could get that is if they had an informant.

No. They must've sent some Fed in undercover.


Goddamn it.


All right. They put somebody undercover.

We'll put somebody undercover...

To destroy that evidence.

Wait, we can't do that.

I mean, who the hell we going to send?

They got pictures and files on us and everybody we deal with.

They can't possibly know everybody.

I got someone.

Can we trust him?

He's family.

Whoa, whoa, Leo, you're not talking about Corky.

Corky is dead for me.

Pops, you should've smothered him in his crib.

Face the facts, guys. There is no one else.

Right now, he's our best bet.

Well, the kid's got to have at least one family gene in him.

A-HA: ♪ Today's another day to find you

♪ Shyin' away

♪ I'll be comin' for your love, okay?

♪ Take on me Watch it, asshole!

Morning, Hank!

♪ Take me on

♪ Take on me

♪ I'll be gone

♪ In a day or two

♪ So, needless to say

♪ I'm odds and ends

♪ But I'll be stumblin' away ♪

Poodles and Pussies.

Corky. Hey, Dr. Kipper, how are you?

Corky, things are a little slow around here today.

I'm wondering, could you take over for me?

I have a very important appointment with...

Uh, it's a dentist.

Thanks. I appreciate it.

Uh-oh. Someone's got the trots.

Corky, are you a mind reader?

No. I just saw some business in the parking lot, and it looked fresh.

And judging by the consistency and pigmentation, I could tell it came from a cat, probably calico.

Hello, Mr. Langford, how are you?

High five, Oscar. High five, high five.

Oh, let me guess... Arthritis?

How did you know?

I just saw him shifting his weight off his left paw, but don't worry.

We'll have him up and sniffing butts in no time.

My God, Connie, your hair looks beautiful.

I accidentally threw it in the wash that had a red shirt in it.

I see you brought Pierre.

Bonjour, Pierre.



He's our only reason for living.

CORKY: I understand.

He's one of the good ones.

I am here with my baby, Jesus, for his checkup.

Oh, yeah.

CORKY: Well, Mrs. Hernandez, we'll have to put him on a little macrobiotic diet of seaweed and barley.

Plus, you'll have to administer vitamins six times a day... Rectally.


Kill my baby.

Oh, no, no, no. You don't have to.

Please. He's lived long enough.

I just can't kill things, though.

I just can't. I could find him a home.


Kill him!

Oh, my little baby.

Oh, my baby.

My baby.

You know, when I lose a pet, I like to pour myself a little sleepytime tea.

Do it!



Oh, I'm...

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Let me just get... Just wipe off the...

Wipe off with paper towels.




Aah! Ow! That's hot!

I'm sorry. I'm...

All right. That's a good bird.


Okay, here we go.

There you go. Here's your mom.

Here you go.

Florence, a little help!

Okay. There you go.

Right there. There you go.


Baby Jesus!





What are you doing there? Come on, get out of there.

Come on, come on. Hmm.

Let go...



Let go, Baby Jesus.

Let go. Let go. Let go.

Come on.

Let go! Let go, Baby Jesus. Let go.

CORKY: Let go, Baby Jesus. Let go.

Poodles and Pussies.

CORKY: Let go, Baby Jesus.

Corky, you have a phone call.

Come on. I'm a little busy right now.

It's your brother.

Come on.

Hug? Come on.

Come on. Come on.

Come on, come on, come on.

How's Dad doing?

Not good, and he's waiting for you upstairs.


Hey, Paulie.

How are ya?

You look fit.

What the hell is that supposed to mean?


We're going to start over, okay?

It's nice to see you, buddy.

Well... That was nice.



Hi, Papa.

I brought you something.

Black Beauty by Anna Sewell.

This is the very same copy that you and Mom used to read to me when I was sick.

What is it, Papa?

You want to say something?

You're kneeling on my air tube, asshole.

Oh, my God, I'm sorry.

I got it. I... I'm so sorry.

I got it now. I got...

I got it. This thing's slippery.

Come on, Pops, this is ridiculous.

Look at him.

He should be wearing a helmet.

POPS: Corky...

Come here.

I'm not going to lie to you anymore.

I'm not a landscaper.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Get your head out of the sand, shit for brains.

How many landscapers you know get paid in briefcases full of cash, huh?

Oh, you... You do do some landscaping though, right?

I dabble in money laundering, gambling, and the occasional landscaping.

Now, look, Son, I know you're not comfortable with the family business, but we don't have much time.

I want you to go undercover as an FBI agent and destroy the evidence against me.

But I have animals that depend on me.

We'll send someone to fill in for you.

Do you really think I'm the most qualified? I mean...

The consensus is that you're the least qualified, but you're family.

Could I, uh...

Could I... Could I... Could I think about this?

What's to think about, Corky?

Can't you see Pops swallowed his pride just asking you to do this?

When's the last time you lifted a finger for this family?

It's just all... You know...

It's all happening so fast.

Wait, wait.

Let me talk to him.

Look, kid, think of this as your chance to make amends.

You know you broke your pop's heart when you turned your back on the family business.

I didn't turn my back.

They kicked me out after Mom died.

Irregardless, what matters now is your family needs you.

What do you say, kid?

Paulie, you get another DUI you need fixed?

No, I need you to send something to the FBI. Can you handle that?

DEXTER: Peter, look who you're talking to.

I got a 120-gig hard drive and a digital connection NASA would envy.


Is that one of those Epsons you can print greeting cards on?

Shut up, Corky.

Okay, tell me exactly what you need.

I need you to plant Corky here with the FBI station in Park Realm.

Need you to set him up with a fake background, fake name and a resume.

And it better be a good one, because if they don't accept his transfer, I'm personally going to download

500 megabytes of my fist up your ass.

CORKY: Uh...

Technically, you'd be uploading that.

But, you know, not that I'm a computer whiz or anything, because I'm not. I'm not...

Just do the right thing, Dexter.

I don't want to have to kill you.

CORKY: Come on.

Let's settle down, huh?

All right. All right. What should his name be?

I really don't care what you call him, Pissant.

Come on, guys.

CORKY: For my resume, I'm very good with animals.


If you're going to keep hanging out with us, could you at least try and carry yourself a little bit more like us, please?

Oh, you mean with unmitigated rage and violence?

Look, stop trying to talk like Mom, all right?

You're too soft.

You complimented that guy on his equipment, and then you thanked him for his time.

I mean, Christ, Corky, you might as well give him a glass of wine and a handshake.

Are you guys familiar with the expression

"You catch more bees with honey than vinegar"?

You know that one.

Ow! Ow! Ouch!

What is your problem?

Paulie, where the hell is this place?

I don't know. CORKY: What place?

The motel.

But I thought I was staying in the house in my old room.

You can't stay in the house.

CORKY: Why not?

Well, a couple of reasons.

Number one, the house is under surveillance.

Number two, we turned your old room into a gym and threw out all your shit.

I thought I was going to...

God, what is...

Why did... Why did you do that?

Shut up. Listen to your brother.

All right, pull down your pants.


Corky, I'm not going to give you a wedgie.

I'm going to put a wire on you.

It's Uncle Leo's idea, in case you get in over your head in there.

Let's go. Pull down your pants.

Let's go.

Hey. Come on! Come on!

Stop that.

Knock it off!

Okay. I'm sorry.

Move your hands.

Ow! Ow! Ow!

All right, give me a sound check.

Go ahead.

♪ Twinkle, twinkle

♪ Little star

♪ How I wonder where you are ♪ All right, we're good. We're good. That's good.

♪ B-i-n-g... ♪ We're good.

Okay. All right.

Now when you get in there, I want you to keep a low profile.

I don't want you prancing around like the goddamn Little Mermaid.

In and out. No bullshit. Got it?

All right, you better walk the rest of the way.

You know what this kind of reminds me of?

When I was younger, and Mom dropped me off at camp Young and Chubby for overweight teens.

And I was crying, because I didn't want to go, but at the end of the summer, I was crying because I didn't want to leave.

Isn't it weird how things just kind of work out that way?

50 bucks says he doesn't make it through the front door.

♪ There's a man who leads a life of danger

♪ To everyone he meets

♪ He stays a stranger

♪ With every move he makes...

Sir, spread your arms, please.

♪ Odds are he won't live to see tomorrow ♪

Could you empty your pockets, please, sir?

Pull me out!

Empty your pockets, please, sir.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were an agent.

I didn't know you were with the Bureau.

Yes, I am with the Bureau.

I'm sorry.

I just... I had a little too much coffee.

I'm just a little wired.


I mean "wired" as in "jumpy." I don't mean "wired" as in there's a concealed wire in my crotch.

I mean, an FBI agent wearing a concealed wire in his crotch... I mean, that would be crazy, right?


You can go now, Agent.

I will go now. Thank you.

Excuse me.

I had a small confrontation at the checkpoint, but don't worry. I kept a cool head, and I eradicated any possible suspicions.

Agent Pissant?


Yes. Hi.


Oh, actually, that's, uh...

That's Pissant.

Well, the transfer came through at an opportune time.

We could use someone with your experience on our special task force.


A special task force, huh?

SHUSTER: That's right. An elite team I've assembled...

The best of the best, exclusively devoted to catching the Night Vulture.

Night Vulture?

SHUSTER: Number six on the most wanted list.

The biggest heroin supplier on the east coast, not to mention the most sadistic.


The last four guys that pissed him off ended up with their genitals severed.

I asked the coroner about the weapon.

He says there was none.

That son of a bitch did it with his bare hands.


I'm Agent Howard Shuster, Station Director.


This is Brick Davis, Senior Agent and my right-hand man.

Agent Pissant.

CORKY: Uh, actually, that's, uh...

It's Pissant.

It's... It's... You know, it's French.

SHUSTER: Davis is the best man in his field.

Right now, he's about to take down the city's most dangerous crime boss.

We're all but guaranteed a conviction.

That's just one down.

By the time I'm finished, the whole family will be in jail.

SHUSTER: I've just been reviewing your resume.

Quite impressive, but a degree from Harvard, three commendations for bravery, and an Olympic medal for sharpshooting won't get you out of the trenches.

We need all hands on deck around here.

Good day.

Good day.

Sir? Thank you.

DAVIS: Nice tie.

Thank you.

It should give some lucky sniper a nice target to aim for.

Probably, huh?

Just go. Go. I want to go home.

PETER: What happened?

Have you seen my resume?

It says I know five different languages.

I'm an expert sharpshooter.

I'm a black belt in something called gyoing gyoing gyoing something?

So the hacker went a little crazy.

Ah, none of this shit matters.

Just go in there and get the evidence.

Then you can go back to giving hamsters enemas or whatever the hell you do.


Get in there.

No, I don't wanna!

Get in there!

No, I don't wanna let go!

I don't wanna!

I don't wanna let go!

All right. Okay, okay.

Put me down. Put me down.

PAULIE: Come here.

Come here...

All right, forget about it, Paulie. This is pointless.

You know what? We're going to have to have an ambulance standing by for when we break the news to Papa.

Okay. I'll do it.

I'm sorry. Which way to the evidence room?

Thank you.


You must be Pissant.


Actually, that's...

It's Pissant.

It's... It's French.

I'm Russo, part of the Night Vulture task force.



What'd you say your full name was?

Russo. Agent Russo.

What a beautiful, beautiful name.

Russo, Pissant, we need you.

He struck again.

You're kidding.


The Night Vulture.

A rival drug dealer was butchered and mutilated on 39th Street. Let's go.



Where the hell is he going?

Abrasions on left elbow.

Pooling of blood near torso.

Victim was shot, mutilated, and dragged.

No consistency of clumps and bile stain on magazine caddy.

Set time of death at 6:00 p.m.


Hi. Hey, ma'am, how are you?

Hey, Mister. Hello, Agent.

CORKY: Hey, do you guys smell that?

What's going on? How are you?


Hi. Hi.

Oh, sweet Jesus!

Oh, my God.

Oh, God.

What is it? You got something?

What happened?

Shouldn't we call someone?

Aah! Oh, my God! What is this?

What is that? Is that his wiener?

Shouldn't we have somebody put that back on?

Maggots... That is so gross.

Maggots? Where?

Right there, in their larval stage.

Maggots take at least 18 hours...

Wait a minute.

Maggots take at least 18 hours to hatch.

COX: You're right.

Change the time of death from 6:00 p.m. to before 12:00 p.m.

Good work, Agent.

Oh. Grr!

Jackpot... A full kilo.

Someone want to run this over to Evidence?

Yes, I... I...


Ohh! Oh! Aah! Where is that?


We're here.

Nice work, Agent.

Oh, thanks. Goodbye.


Well, we can't chitchat all day, can we?

So, uh...

Maybe I'll see you sometime.

Hi. Hi, poochie.

Hi. Hi.

What's the matter? What's the matter?

Poochie can't reach the water? No?

Poochie want some water?

Poochie thirsty?

There you go. You're a tough action police dog.

Yes, you are. Yes, you are.

Yes, you are.

Okay. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Put that down. Put it down. Put it down.

Come on. Give me the coke.

Give me the cocaine.

Come on. Come on.

Come on.

Let go. Let go.

CORKY: Come on. Poochie, come on.

Come on, come on.


The evidence room... Where?

Agent Pissant.

There's a group of second graders from the junior crimefighters league in the auditorium.

I want you to give them a few words on law enforcement.


WOMAN: As a special treat, kids, we have a real live FBI man here to talk to us about what it's like to be a Federal agent.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. It's a little loud.

The clapping's a little loud.

Yes? Question? Question? You have a question?

You don't have a quest...

You don't? You don't? You do? You don't?

It's kind of hot in here, isn't it?

They're making pants tighter now, right?

I don't know, because I don't wear jeans.

Yes! Question?

I should buy a boat!

Don't you think? No?


God, I got to just...

Yes! You have a question? No?

You do? You don't? You do? You don't?

You do? You don't? You do? You don't?

Oh, no, that's cool. You don't have to.

No. You know, just do your own thing.

I'm up here. You're down there. That's cool.

Okay, so... Yes?

Yeah, yeah, I know.

Who's this freak?

DARNELL: I don't know.

DAVIS: Get a shot of him.

What the hell are you doing?

They could be watching the place.

Yeah, I know. That's why I have the disguise on.


PETER: Who's that guy?

That's Shuster. He's the, uh...

Director guy.

Who's next?

CORKY: That's Brick Davis.

Is he the guy with the tan and the muscular thighs?


Who are these two chuckleheads?

That's Cox and Darnell.

LEO: Hey, Paulie, write up a card for Cox and Darnell.

PAULIE: Oh, come on, Leo.

I'm absorbing here, you know?

POPS: You're just lazy.

Make out a card.

Papa, I'm not lazy. I... I...

I don't even got my reading glasses.

Aw, Jesus.

Is there anybody else?



I thought I saw a chick. Yeah, here it is.

A lot of good that does us.

I was a little distracted.

Well, get undistracted, dipshit.

This is crunch time.

Sorry, Pop. PETER: Hey, Pop, relax.

Okay? Next time, I'll take care of the pictures.

PAULIE: All right, I want you to head straight for the evidence room, so we can just end this shit today. You got it?

Got it. Keep the engine running, because I'm going right in and coming right back out, so you guys keep it running.



What you doing?

Oh, I brought you something.


This is just a little something to get you through the day.

It's funny because it's true.

Thank you. You're welcome.

I have to go now.


Yes, I know.

It's Mandarin for "Hello."

I spent some time in China myself.

You do speak Mandarin, don't you?

It's on your resume.

Yeah. No, I actually...

I just spoke it this morning.

I was just thrown off by your dialect.

I was actually taught the language by an upper-class family, Su Sussudio.

You think I'm stupid, don't you? No.

Listen, you little punk.

I'm on to you.

I don't know how you got this far, but you can't bullshit your way through the FBI.

You better watch your back.

You got that?

You got it? Yeah. Mmm-hmm.


Come on. Shuster wants to see us.

It's about the Night Vulture.

SHUSTER: This group of neo-Nazi skinheads is moving black tar heroin for the Night Vulture.

They could be the vein that leads us to the motherlode...

The Night Vulture himself.

The Night Vulture is number six on the most wanted list.


I want you to go in and make a buy.


But don't you think you might be, um...

Wasting my talent on something this simple?

I mean, why don't you get Agent Cox and Darnell?

I mean, they seem like really sweet guys.

SHUSTER: We need a pro.

You will carry out this assignment.

That is all.

Take down your pants.

We're going to tape this wire to your crotch.

Oh, no, we can't do that, but thank you.

Why not?

CORKY: I have, uh...

Very, very sensitive gonads.

All the men in my family do.

My grandpa back in World War II is nicknamed "Old Cotton Balls," so...

I don't want to hear any more about your family's balls. Okay.

We'll tape it to your chest.

Cox, give me a razor. We'll shave him.


SKINHEAD: Let's see what you got today.

Come on. Man, you're going to do five of them.

Come on, let's go, you little wimp!

Hurry, let's go!

SKINHEAD: You ain't nothing. You suck.

Come on, let's go. Let's go.


What do you want, bitch?

I just thought that I can get some heroin, and then maybe we can all go out and commit some hate crimes and stuff.

We lost transmission.

Are we going in?


Pissant's been in this situation before.

I'm sure he can handle himself.

I've only been with the FBI for, like, two days!

SKINHEAD: Take him to the warehouse at pier seven.

You know bad dogs aren't born.

They're made.

TWISTER SISTER: ♪ We're not gonna take it

♪ No, we ain't gonna take it

♪ We're not gonna take it Ooh! Ow!

♪ Anymore




He must've disengaged his own wire and left with them.

As soon as it went to static, we went in, but they were already gone.

SECRETARY: Sir, you have a call.

Not now.

Sir, it's Agent Pissant.


Hey, guys.

My God, Pissant.

You did this all by yourself?

CORKY: Eichmann...

Come here, Eichmann.

Eichmann, that tickles.

Hey, hey, it's Pissant.

Hey! All right!

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go tinkle.




I was just going to go find you and...

And say hi.


What you got?

It was recovered at the apartment...

The only hard evidence we have against the Night Vulture.

Fingerprints all over it, but we haven't been able to get a make.

That... Night Vulture guy...


I'm going to do some Yun Mu Kwan.

Would you like to join me?

You don't fit the profile of a typical Fed.

What do you mean?

It's nothing bad. It's actually refreshing.


I'm just doing this FBI thing to pay some bills before I get to my real career.

And what's that?

I'm going to be a licensed veterinarian and own my own animal hospital.

How sweet. Thanks.

Kyah, kyah, kyah!


I'm going to try the tang soo do. Ready?

Yeah. Nim-po!

Look, you don't have to go easy on me.


See, this is what I'm talking about.

Every man here is afraid to go full contact with me.

I'm not a Barbie doll.

Now come on!

Hit me.

417 in progress. Let's go.

Oh. Gotcha. I'm going to go get my thermos.

RUSSO: Didn't you hear him?

A 417. Come on.


Back off!

RUSSO: Situation?

Night Vulture suspect, heavily armed.

He's got seven hostages in that building.

Demands? None.

I'll go get my rifle.


Pissant's our ace in the hole.

You know the drill. Take him out.

I'll blow his head off! Now back off!

Back off!



Sorry. I was just lining up the shot.

Hey, Nash Bridges, you got the safety on.

Oh, my dog!

Man down!

I'll cover you.

A dog.

What are you doing? It's dead.

Here. Hold this.


This looks like a collapsed esophagus.

I've seen Dr. Kipper fix one of these before.

Fix what? Who's Dr. Kipper?

Think, Corky, think.

Got it. I got it, I got it.

Okay, you've just been in an accident, but you're going to be all right, okay?

Now run along. Run along, run along, run along.

That was amazing.

What was amazing?

What... What you just did.

You just saved that dog's life.

DAVIS: Pissant.

Can I talk to you for a second?

Yeah. Sure.

Listen, how'd you do that? That was really something.


Yeah. How did you... Listen, you little shit.

You put my life on the line, as well as every other agent out there.

Now, first chance I get, I am going to send you straight to hell.

You got that?

Hello, sir.

Pissant, what the hell is going on here?


It wasn't me.

It was the gun.

It was all funky.

What the hell are you talking about?


I think what Agent Pissant is trying to say is that the perp's gun was a fake.

And he's right.


Pissant, you're a cowboy, but you've got to keep the team up to speed.

We're not used to an agent with that kind of passion and attention to detail.


I will do my best, sir.

Sir, hostages are safe and accounted for.

This clown is not the Night Vulture.

Should I take him in?

No, no, no. Let Pissant do it.

It's his baby.

FLORENCE: Poodles and Pussies...

Florence, hi.

How's cousin Tony working out?

FLORENCE: Just fine.

In fact, profits are up 150%.

What do you want?

Can you help Jojo? I think he's sick.

TONY: Yeah, sure, kid.

I'll fix him right up for you.

See, kid? Jojo's all fixed up.

He just needed a new liver.

How much? What do you got?

Well, keep up the good work, okay?

I'll be back lickety-split. Bye, now.


♪ This will be love

♪ Because

♪ I've had

♪ The time of my life

♪ And I've never felt this way before

♪ This, I swear

♪ Is the truth ♪

Sir, could you be a sport and open the door for me, please, sir?

Okay. I see.

SUSPECT: Let me out of here!

And I'm going to...

Sir, could you please not do that?

Sir? Please don't do that.

Come on. Sir.

Come on. Don't do that.

Come on, sir.

Hello? Hey.

Look out for that truck.

Ow! Arm! Arm!

Excuse me. Sir.

Hi. How are you?


SUSPECT: Yee-hoo! Yahoo!

Off of the car!

Hey! I got a little problem here!

Hey, if I could get some help...

Uh, let me get a cup of the rum raisin, then, please.

We don't have rum raisin, sir.

All our flavors are listed on that sign.

All right, let me...

Give me a cup of the rocky road there, then, please.

CORKY: Hello? Please?

Hey, Paulie, come on already!

Shut up!

All right, just give me a cup of the pistachio there.

The sign...

What are you looking at, pantywaist, huh?

You suck!

You suck! Suck! Suck!

The keys are right there. If you could just... Turn off the car.

SUSPECT: Whoo-hoo!


Cory, look out!

Get off of my car!

Don't put the...




What the hell is the matter with you, dumbass?

You nearly got us killed. What are you, retarded? Huh?

What happened? You okay?

DARNELL: Is everybody okay here?

Oh, I'm fine. You okay?

CORKY: I'm in control. Just a little fender bender.

I'm totally in control.

What are you doing here?

All right, out of the car.

Come on, let's do it.

Assume the position. Aw, come on!

Against the car.

What the hell is all this stuff?

PETER: I'm helping my cousin move.

DAVIS: Okay, boys, tear this dago wagon apart.

Leave no seat unslashed.

Hold it!


This guy just called me a dork.

No, he didn't.

No. Yeah, he did. I don't think he did.

I saw... I read his lips.

This guy?

It's me. Corky. Hi.

On the ground. Both of you!

All fours. All fours.

I got a little gift for you.

Sorry I didn't have time to wrap it.

Hey, Pissant, take it easy, people are watching.


Sniff that one, ass clowns!

Hey, Pissant, relax, man.

I mean, technically, they didn't do anything wrong.

CORKY: Get outta here!

What the hell are you doing?

Look, Davis, you're too soft.


I'm sorry! Move it!

Move it! Ow!

You're lucky there were no chicks watching.

Now, did you at least get the evidence?

No. I don't have it.

Oh, for... You don't understand.

I am so close I can taste it.

Where is it?

I left it in the gym.

Christ, Corky, what if somebody finds it?

No, it's okay! It's in my briefcase!

It has my name...

On it.

PETER: I ain't tellin' Pops.

I mean, the hospital says he's getting worse.

They're sending a wet nurse over here, Petey.

I think you mean registered nurse.

Oh, really? Is that what you think, Mr. Educated?

So now I'm the stupid one, huh?

Let me tell you something, Corky, when you was in vegetarian school, tugging llamas, I was running numbers for Pops, you understand me?

Get outta here! Out!

And don't you come back... Do not come back without the evidence, you hear me?

All right, I'm going!

You know what? Ah! Evidence! Evidence!

Hi, Corky.

Sorry. Sorry.

Looking for this?

I can explain. Explain it to Shuster.


How about now?

Now's good.

Pissant, we need you ASAP.

Not now. We're busy.

This is priority.

There's a major heroin buy going down in Chinatown.

We think the Night Vulture's supplying.

No. That's a waste of time.

Now, get back to the planetarium like I told you.

It's a virtual who's who of Night Vulture suspects.

Sir, I don't know who your source is, but we've been to the planetarium, and it's on the level.

Nothing but field trips and old women.

Exactly! The Night Vulture's a chameleon!

It's just the kind of place that a sadistic son of a bitch like that would call home!

Sorry, sir. This is direct from Shuster.

We're going to Chinatown, and we're taking Pissant with us.

What's up, guys?

The seller's from Vietnam, the buyer's from Thailand.

Sounds cool. Where do I come in?

You translate.


What did he say?

He said that you have very kind eyes.

Tell him I said thank you.


What is going on?


Someone get me outta here!

Peter! Paul! Get me outta here!

♪ You can ring my bell

Oh, yeah, that's what I'm talkin' about.

♪ Ring my, you can ring my bell ♪

Ah, damn. They both got away.

No. Pissant got one.

You just reminded him of this horse thief he once knew, and I defended your honor, and he grew angry.

You got a cool head, man.

Goin' down on your knees and crying like a girl?

That was great!

Actually, that's something I learned from our friend the possum.

It's a tactic he would use to thwart off his enemies.

We'll back you up any time, Pissant. Mmm-hmm.

Call me Corky.

My name's Terrence. Hey.

I'm Bob. Hey, Bob.

Say, you guys want to get an Orange Julius or something?

We can't.

Brick is sending us to collect evidence on some underground casino.

Do you guys know where Kate is, by chance?

She'd probably get a kick out of this whole thing, don't you think?

She's gone. What do you mean, gone?

Well, you know, we're not at liberty to discuss that.

Yeah, I know. She didn't by chance, like, leave a note or a joke or, like, a little poem or something by chance, did she?

Nope. See ya.



Give me one good reason I shouldn't can your butt right now for breaking protocol with that Romano file?

Sir, I just wanted to get a closer look at the file and lend my expertise, sir.

You don't walk in and take evidence!

You fill out an X74!

And then you get it approved by a superior!

You got that?

Sir, the bottom line is, because I got so excited, I forgot to follow procedures, but I do take full responsibility for my actions, sir.

Pissant, you're an honest man.

That's a rare quality in this day of buck-passing.

I kind of admire that.

Oh, what the hell?

He just confessed to breaking protocol!

At least he had the guts to admit it.

We can all take a page out of Pissant's book.

Good day.



You guys want some cookies?

I'm sorry, you guys.

What is it, Corky?

I couldn't get the... Sweet Jesus!

Ay, dios mio!

What is she doing here?

That's Esperanza, Dad's new nurse.

Don't worry about her, Corky.

She don't speak a word a English.

How do you know my name?

What? Corky.

You said that name again.

Why are you freakin' out?

CORKY: I'm gonna go, uh, make some toaster strudel for everyone.

Anyone? Everyone wants? I assume everyone wants one.

what the hell are you doing here?

What the hell are you doing here?

And why are you dressed like that?

I just... Came from a Girls of America meeting and...

I sponsor one of the girls, and it's traditional that you wear these outfits at the meetings.

Look, I don't have time to talk about it, okay?

What the hell are you doing here? Answer my question!

I realized no one's gonna just hand me a good undercover case, so I made Shuster send me in here to collect more evidence.

What about you? I'm... Undercover, too.

That is so typical!

Shuster gave me his word that he wouldn't send a man to cover me.

No, I... I was just here first. That's why I'm here now.

How come Shuster didn't say anything?

He doesn't know.

You're undercover without clearance or backup? That's insane!

Yeah, I know. It's crazy, isn't it?

Uh, look, this area is totally covered.

You can back off now.

No. I worked hard for this. You back off.

Look, I don't have time to fight with you, okay?

I don't want you to get hurt.

I don't need you to protect me.

Fine. Fine.

♪ Romeo loved Juliet

♪ Juliet, she felt the same

♪ When he put his arms around her... ♪ PETER: Hey, Pops, I'm making a sandwich. You want something?

I gotta go.

Huh? Huh? I can't believe this shit.

What happened?

Down at the casino, they caught a couple of chumps with hidden cameras.

Who are they?

Couple of your little FBI buddies.

CORKY: Cox and Darnell.

Black Beauty.

Black Beauty.

You know, I read this book to my son.

Now you try readin' it.

Go ahead. I'm gonna help you.

"The... The mor... Morning..."

Very good.

Sound it out.

Sound it out.

RUSSO: "The mor... Morn..."

POPS: ""

RUSSO: "Ing."

Whoa. Where do you think you're goin'?

Into the underground casino.

I heard you have excellent craps, and I'm in a crappy mood, so...

You can't go in there.

Says who?

Lady said beat it! Understand?

Oh... Yes, sir.

That's a good little bitch.

Now bounce this jive ass fool.


It's gonna take a heck of a lot more than that.

♪ I took a walk around the world

♪ To ease my troubled mind

♪ I left my body lying

♪ Somewhere in the sands of time

♪ But I watched the world Hey!

♪ Fold to the dark side of the moon

♪ I feel there's nothin' I can do

♪ Yeah ♪

Ow! Oh!

God, my nose!

WOMAN: You pervert!


♪ If I go crazy

♪ Then will you still call me Superman?

♪ If I'm alive and well

♪ Will you be there to hold my hand?

But I didn't do anything!

♪ I'll keep you by my side

♪ With my superhuman might ♪


WOMAN: Get out!

You again.




MAN: Let's introduce him to Shaky.

Get in there.

Hey, come on, you guys. Someone's gonna get hurt.

Sorry, Mr. Romano.

I had no idea you were with the family.

Ah, don't worry about it.

You guys are just doing your job.

Is there anything I can get you?

No, but if it's okay with you, maybe I can take my friends with me?

That's another one we owe you, Corky.

Yeah, what a waste.

We should have been helping you catch the Night Vulture.

If you could, just don't tell the guys in the department.

Mum's the word.


Shh! Quiet!

Why are you still here? It's 3:00 in the morning.

RUSSO: I'm a live-in.

That's what the informant arranged.

Informant? What informant?


De corvato.

Soy una senorita.


I don't know what that was.

You tomcattin' son of a bitch!

I had no idea you were such a ladies man.


Yeah, she's livin' here two days, you're already poundin' her.

I was thinkin' about makin' a move on her myself, but, you know. I can get another broad.

Say, Pete.

I haven't seen you with a woman in a long time.

In fact, I don't think I've ever seen you with a woman.

Well, I just haven't found the right filly yet, that's all.

Do you remember when we were kids and how we watched that Christmas special about Rudolph, and how Rudolph knew he was secretly different from all the other reindeer?

And then, you know, Rudolph tried to hide it, but that just, you know, ended up making Rudolph angry and scared.

And then he met Hermey the Elf, remember?

And he... He didn't... I didn't...

He didn't like to make toys.

And, uh, but that actually made Rudolph feel like it was okay to be different.

Do you remember that?

I don't have time for this shit.

Come with me.

Agent Davis just brought this to my attention. You wanna explain that?

Kinda looks like me, doesn't it? Little...

It's because it is you, Judas.

Right in the belly of the beast.

Looks like Mr. McFeely here has been sleeping with the enemy.

Don't you see, sir?

He's been stealing evidence for the family the whole time.

Well, it's not gonna happen.

I'm gonna make sure of that.

Pissant, is this true?

No, this is some...

This isn't me. It's some postman.

DAVIS: It's you. It's not.

It is, too. No, it isn't.

Yes, it is. Is not.

It is you. Isn't!

Yes, it is you. It's not me!

Knock it off, Davis.

Corky deserves a chance to explain himself.

DAVIS: Knock it off?

You know, this buddy-buddy shtick between you two is really starting to wear thin.

What are you talking about?

DAVIS: You know damn well what I'm talking about!

Pissant this and Pissant that.

Hey, I got an idea. Let's send Pissant.

Well, I'm sick of hearing about Pissant.

When's the last time you talked about me?

When's the last time you congratulated me on a hostage negotiation situation?

Or said, "Hey, Davis, bang-up job on that wiretap"? Hmm?

It's like I don't even exist.

That's not true.

Yes, it is!

The other day, I wore my badge on the outside of my left lapel, just to see if you'd notice.

Did you notice? No. I got nothin'.

I'm sorry. Maybe I was a little bit busy.

Yeah! Talkin' about how great Pissant is!

Hey, Howard. You wanted to see us?


What happened to "sir"?

It's "Mr. Shuster."

And what is with those ridiculous ties?

It's this jiggling little fruitcake, isn't it?

Christ! Relax, Brick.

It's Agent Davis.

SHUSTER: He's right.

Relax, Brick.

You're right.

I'm sorry, Howard.

That's Agent Shuster!

Oh, what? I can't call you by your first name

'cause I'm not a member of the groovy tie squad?

No, it's because you're an asshole.

I am not.

Yeah, you are.

Everyone thinks you are.

Including your wife.

Why do you think she left you?

Well, her job relocated her to Paris.

Bullshit. Right now she's up in Kennebunkport gettin' poked by some lobster fisherman.


Wait a minute there. Come on, easy!

DAVIS: You're dead!

SHUSTER: At ease!

DAVIS: I'm gonna kill you!

Let go!

Jesus! Corky, you scared me.

Why are you still here?

I'm not leaving until I get the old man on tape talking about murder.


I thought we were trying to get him for gambling or tax evasion, things like that.

No, that's nothing.

We wanna put him away for life.


This assignment is over, okay?

You've gotta get out of here.

No, I'm not done.

It's straight from Shuster.

You're through.

Well, I did it. I got your evidence.

You did?

Yeah, only you know what?

I'm thinking about giving it back.

What? Kidnapping?

And... And... And... And murder?

What did you... What did you... What did you think, that I just wasn't gonna figure it out?

Corky, I've been involved in my share of scams, but I never done none of those things.

That's bullshit.

You gotta believe me.

Why? Why would I believe you?

I swear on your mother's eyes, I never done those things.

Where did you get this?

It's right... It's here in...

I don't know specifically where, but it's here in the sworn testimony.

Pops, check out the caldones on this broad.


Testimony by who?

Testimony? You got the evidence?

Hey, Petey, he got the evidence!

Good job, kid.

Yeah, I knew you had the grapes for it.

Tell you what, I'll get rid of this.

Wait a minute.

Not until I get some answers here, 'cause there are some serious accusations in this file.

Please, Corky, since when do you give a damn about anything having to do with this family?

Corky, let the adults talk. Come here.

Now, you done a good job, you got the evidence, but you don't belong here.

So go home.

PAULIE: Oh, yeah! We are back in business, fellas.

Pops is back.

PETER: I'll drink to that!

PETER: Let's talk about...

What are you still doin' here?

Don't you got some puppies to breastfeed or some shit like that?

I'm not going anywhere until I'm damn well ready, 'cause I am sick of being your lapdog.

Ooh, the other sister's standing up for herself.

Ooh! Hey! Ow! Oh!

I'm as much a part of this family as either one of you.

I put my life on the line.

I kept pops out of jail.

I paid my dues.

Now you start showing me a little goddamn respect!

PAULIE: All right!

You're a part of this family. Now get off of me.

You wanna try that with me, you little pussy?

Don't you touch him!

Pops, you're gonna get excited.

Shut up. I'm already excited.

Now leave your brother alone.

Oh, sure, Pops. Take his side.

You always do take his side.

What are you talkin' about?

PAULIE: You sent him to college.

You never sent me to college.

You showed that nurse more respect than you showed me!

I saw you teachin' her how to read!

You never taught me how to read!

Which is why I still don't know how to read!

POPS: Don't be ridiculous.

Of course you know how to read.

I see you with magazines all the time.

Penthouse, Swank, Hustler.

Oh, shit.

PAULIE: You remember that... That time I got arrested at Tony Roma's for exposing myself in the ladies' room?

I thought it was the men's room!

And what about the time that Uncle Leo sent me to the store for a carton of Marlboros and I come back with a...

With a carton of tampons?

Feminine products!

You thought it was funny, right?

I was upstairs in my room crying.

Don't stare at me like I'm some kind of a freak because I'll tell you all something else.

He's a homo.

No, I'm not, Pops.

Huh. I'm not... I love boobies.

Oh, bullshit.

You got a collection of mesh tank tops.

You got a poster of Matthew Perry up in your bedroom.

You got Divas Live on DVD, for Christ's sakes.

You are one big faggot.

Well, at least I can read the labels, you illiterate mook!

Take it back, you fruit loop.

You want me to learn you how to spell "dead man"?

How 'bout some of this, then? Huh?

How 'bout this, eh?

Stop it!

Just stop it.

Ooh, help me, I'm gay.

Ooh, I can't read.

I don't care how gay you are, and I don't care how stupid you are.

Get over it! Okay?

Get over it. Okay.


I can't read.

I'm a fag.

All right. Shh.

All right.

All right, everybody out of the room.

I need to speak to my father...


Really, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, too.

Corky! Look at you!

Takin' control of the family.

I never thought I'd see the day.

I never thought I would, either.

You know what you looked like just now?

Your mother.

Your mother was the glue that held this family together.

You got the same instincts.

I see a lot of her in you.

Is that why you sent me away?

POPS: You know what?

I sent you away because I love you.

You're not cut out for this business.

You're cut out for something better.

And you proved that.

I just wanted to be part of the family, just on my own terms.

You are part of the family.

You're my son.

For what it's worth, I believe you didn't do those things.

And I think I know why they think you did.

Peter! Paulie! Come quick!

Dad's having a heart attack!

Leo, call the doctor!

He's gone, Leo.

His last words, Leo, he was calling out for you.

Now's your chance to make your peace.

Why would Pissant steal the evidence?

DAVIS: He's been in bed with 'em since day one.

Just hope he hasn't killed Russo yet.

God, I haven't been on a raid in 10 years.

All right, ladies. Are we ready to rock and roll?

Look, Pop...

I may be a liar, and I may be a coward, but all I ever wanted was a shot at running the business.

I'm sorry I gave you a heart attack, you old jerk.

I just wanted you out of the way.


But I swear to god, Pop, if you were alive right now, I'd tell the feds that none of this shit I said was true.

LEO: I swear on my father's name.

That rat bastard.

Old jerk, huh?

Sorry, Leo.

Just lookin' out for the family.

Corky! You set this up?

And now you're going to arrest me?

Ha! That's a laugh.

You're the biggest pussy in the world.

Don't you ever call my son a pussy.

You know, I can't believe we trusted you, Leo.

So now you're giving out lectures on ethics?

Yeah, I know that one.

So what are you? A fed or one of them?

CORKY: I'm one of them.

I was pretending to be a fed.


Because I didn't think my father deserved to die in jail.

So where did I fit into your little plan?

I may be illiterate, but I'm not stupid.


Who the hell are you?

Brick Davis.

Oh. Freeze, Brick.

Freeze! Drop your weapons! Now!

Put 'em on the ground!

Drop your weapons! Drop it!

You put the gun down!

Put your weapons down!

SHUSTER: Russo, you wanna tell me what the hell's going on here?

Sir, these...

What's going on? The guy that did it just run out of the room, and you're standing here in your orange tie wondering what's going on.

Sir, Corky went after the real criminal.

I knew it.

Corky's one of us!


Better face facts, little man.

Your luck just ran out.

Wanna tell me what time it is, Mr. Night Vulture?

Good one. I'll take that.

You know, I never thought I'd live to see the day that an FBI agent would be peddling smack.

Don't act so surprised.

J. Edgar Hoover used to wear a dress.

Just tell me why, Brick.

I don't know. I suppose it made him feel sexy.

Not Hoover, you!

I think it's time to get on with the meeting.

What meeting?

The meeting between your genitals and this knife.

What's going on?

He's the Night Vulture.


Corky, watch out.


Move in! Let's go!

What the hell are you doing?

Brick is the Night Vulture.

RUSSO: It's true, sir.

Oh, God, Howard.

Take me away. Oh!

My God, Corky. That's two you've given us today.

No, sir, that's two we've given you.


Looks like we have more to look forward to, huh?

I'm afraid not, Howard. I got other plans.


Let's go.

Let's hit the gym.

Yay, Corky!



Corky, you made me so proud of you.

I love you.

I love you, too, Daddy.

I got an announcement to make.

My son here, this big lug, he's a fruit, and I don't care who knows it.

Come here, you gay bastard. I love you.

I love you, too.

The other one, he can't read a stop sign.

And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Come here, you freakin' retard.

I love you.

Corky, get out of here before I punch you in the mouth.

Okay, Dad.

Hey, Corky, good luck with the vet business.


I know you're gonna do just fine.

Dr. Kipper, I will never forget you.



♪ "L" is for the way you look at me

♪ "O" is for the only one I see

♪ "V" is very, very extraordinary

♪ "E" is even more than anyone that you adore can

♪ Love is all that I can give to you

♪ Love is more than just a game for two

♪ Two in love can make it

♪ Take my heart and please don't break it

♪ Love was made for me and you

♪ "L" is for the way you look at me

♪ "O" is for the only one I see

♪ "V" is very, very extraordinary

♪ "E" is even more than anyone that you adore can

♪ Love is all that I can give to you

♪ Love is more than just a game for two

♪ Two in love can make it

♪ Take my heart and please don't break it

♪ Love was made for me and you

♪ Love was made for me and you

♪ Love was made for me and you ♪