Critters (1986) Script

Man: Radar control. This is prison transport 9961, requesting permission to land. Over.

Man 2: We've been expecting you, pt 9961.

Please confirm payload. Over.

Man: Crite prisoners... Eight of them. Over.

Man 2: There seems to be a problem, pt 9961.

My advance notice cube states there should be

10 crite prisoners aboard your ship. Please explain. Over.

Man: Well, we did have 10 at one time, but the crites were eating everything in sight.

We had to kill two of them to make the food last longer. Over.

Man 2: Roger, pt 9961.

You're cleared for landing in docking bay b.

Send crite prisoners through detox and immunization.

Put them in the termination lock as soon as you land.

Shock control will be standing by. Over.

Man: Roger, radar control.

This is warden zanti.

Get shock control over to the termination lock.

The crites are up to something.

Guard: Explosion in termination lock.

Damage report.

Guard: Two dead and three wounded, sir.


Guard: The crites. All eight of them.

The crites have stolen a ship!

Damn. Get the bounty hunters.

Warden: I have a job for you.

They've stolen one of our fastest ships, with enough fuel to cross the galaxy 10 times over.

So fuel is not their concern.

However, you must stop them before they can feed.

You will receive full payment, as usual, only upon evidence of their destruction.

Brad, April, breakfast!

Brad, I need to get in there!

April: Come on, you little snot, I'm in a hurry!

Mom, Brad won't let me in the bathroom!

Hello? Yeah, hold on.

April, telephone!

Brad, you're a real jerk!

Mom, Brad's hogging the bathroom.

Two minutes.


Oh, hi.

Jay, breakfast!

Helen, was that Charlie calling?

Helen: No, it was Steve. Steve?

Yeah? Happy birthday!


Well, what'd you get?

No! Come on. Hey. Steve who?

The new boy at school. April: No!

Whatever happened to what's-his-name?

Helen: Richard? I'm a terrible guesser.

Yeah, Richard. I thought he was the love of her life.

Try and keep up, will ya? You got to keep me informed.

Did you wash my bowling shirt?

Yes, dear, it'll be ready for the tournament. Go eat.

Jay: Brad, get Chewie off the table.

April: I can't wait!

Have you seen Charlie this morning, Brad?



So who is this Steve? The dork from New York.

Shut up. You're such a baby.

What happened to Richard?

All Richard cared about was hog farms.

So? My dad farmed hogs.


Brad, what are you sitting at the table with a thermometer in your mouth for?

I'm not feeling very good. = I'll bet.

You look okay. 106?

April: Brad, did you tell mom about your big geometry test you have today?

Shut up. Just shut up!

Helen: You have a test today, Brad?

You're a real shithead, you know?


Boy, I'm going to wash your mouth out.

Maybe you'll do as well on this test, Brad, as you did on your last one.

Jay: What last test?

Bye. Mmmmm. Brad!

Girl: Come on, April, we're running late!

Get yourself ready for school, boy.


You miss that bus, I'm going to skin you and hang your bones out to dry.

"Thank you for the lovely breakfast you prepared, mother."

Wonder what happened to Charlie?

Woman: Morning, harv.

Morning, sal. What's happening?

Well, this here says that John Travolta used to be a waitress in fort Myers, Florida.

What's happening here, sal?

Big bowling tournament tonight.

And Charlie, he's sleeping it off in the back.

Oh, be nice, harv. He don't mean no harm.

Ah! Aaah!

They're coming!

They're coming, harv.


Yeah. I'm getting them through my fillings, just like last time.

Cut the crap, Charlie.

Listen. Jesus.

They're the same ones that ruined my pitching career.

Do you ever consider slowing down on the whiskey, Charlie?

It ain't the whiskey.

Sal. Sal, you remember, right?

I was a prospect, huh?

And I wasn't drinking then, was 1?

Sure, Charlie, sure. You were major league material.

Right. I had heat.

And then I started getting these messages...

Man: This is patrol g xp 1198 calling Alpha tango delta. Come in.

Over. Do you hear that?

Charlie, it's Jeff. =-Jeff: I'm on route 22.

Come on, lover, pick it up.

Cut the horseshit, Jeff. Ooh, sorry, harv.

I didn't know you were in. What do you need?

Just signing off for the night.

So sign off, already.

Uh, Charlie...

Why don't you just go on out to Jay and Helen's?

You don't want to get fired, now.

Oh, no. No, I like my job.

Well, you just forget about that martian stuff, okay?

Forget about that. Yeah, right.

This town's a zoo.

Prepare for holographic transmission.

In my haste to get you on your way, there were a couple of things I neglected to inform you of.

We are tracing the crites to a solar system where only one planet supports life... earth.

Your ship database will contain adequate information on the culture of the planet.

Your transformation capabilities should come in quite handy there.

I trust, however, you will be less destructive this time, considering you nearly destroyed half...

Computer: Earth is a culture of many contrasts.

Their technological advances have been...

Man: Bring him down, bring him down!

J... from the light j j shadows falling j jj it's the power of the night jj jj streets are calling jj jj power of... jj jj the night 7j

Jj nighttime's afire jj we are the heat jj jj the flame is desire jj jj burns in the street jj jj know it's gonna strike jj jj again and again jj jj hold on to the night jj jj hold on till the end j'j jj power of the night jj jj streets are calling jj jj stealing from the light jj jy shadows falling jj jj it's the power of the night jj jj streets are calling jj jj power of... jj js ow! J

Jay: Okay.

Okay, I'm ready for that carburetor, Charlie.

Charlie! Give me the carburetor!

Dj: It's 5:16 at keat. K-eat in Kansas City.

Okay, 1948. A Missouri housewife is kidnapped by six little men with orange heads on her way to the laundromat.

All right! Whoo!

What the hell was that?

Did you see that, Charlie?

That was the best one we ever did!

Yeah, that was... That was real good.

Homemade. Best in the state.

Charlie, you broke my slingshot.

It's... I can fix this. I can fix this.

You just go get a tin can.

Anyway, like I was saying, this housewife...

What housewife?

I thought I told you to get rid of them fireworks.

You like working here, Charlie?

Yes, sir.

Jay: I've been waiting on that carburetor.

You've got to try and concentrate on what you're doing, okay?

I'm gonna...

I got a lot to do today, so try to keep up, will you?

Dad, I asked if he could... Give me those.

These are not toys.

I want to try to get this thing fired up before dark.

Now what?

Sorry, Charlie.

That don't feel right.

Hi, daddy. Hey, girl.

Daddy, this is Steve Elliot.

I asked him to stay for dinner. I hope it's okay.

Mom said it was okay.

Nice to meet you, Mr. brown. Expensive little toy.

Steve's dad just gave it to him for his birthday.

It's the greatest, isn't it?

Don't look like you're going to haul much hay in it.


Let me... let me just test it out for you.

Careful, Charlie.





Bradley brown, I'm going to kill you.

Uh, he, uh...

Brad, you get back here! Oh!

Brad, I'm going to kill you!

Come here, you little snot.

April! He shot me with a slingshot!

I did not!

Brad. April: Liar!

April! Liar!

Hold it, hold it!

Boy, did you shoot your sister with that slingshot?

I think I'll stand on the fifth amendment.

This is not a democracy. Did you or didn't you?

Yeah, I guess I did.

You know better than that, boy. Go to your room.

And no supper. Oh, Jay.


Jj power of the night jj jj streets are calling jj jj stealing from the light... 7 at least you like me.

She's all set to go, Mr. brown.

Jay: Okay, Charlie. See you in the morning.

Jj power of the night jj jj streets are calling... jj

This is a great meal, Mrs. brown.

Really, one of the best I've ever had.

Thanks. Thank you, Steve.

Well, we should get going. Steve: What?

You promised you'd take me for a ride, remember?

I did?

Uh... right.

Hon, I kinda figured you'd watch me bowl tonight.

We're defending the championship, you know.

Oh, we're... Maybe we'll come by later.

Don't suppose anybody would like some dessert before they leave?

No thanks, mom. It was very good.

Thank you. Thanks.

Helen? = hmm?

Have you... you know, talked to her about the way things are? Years ago.


Jy can't keep from looking back jj jj when I look into your eyes jj jj if I could make a wish... jj April: I thought you were going to let me drive.

Steve: Okay. Just be careful.

Jj no turning back, don't try me, it's done jj jd no turning back, the end has come jj jj no turning back, no hope for love jj jd no turning back to what was us, the end has... jj what do I want to see an old barn for?

Come on. It's romantic.

Wha... ro... April...

You want your car keys back, don't you?

Come on, Steve. Want your keys?

Come on!

Jj no turning back, no hope for love jj jj no turning back to what was ours j'j jj the end has come jj jj no turning back... jj

I'm allergic.

Brad: Just a minute!

Come in.

You can thank your mama for fixing you a plate.

Where's that slingshot?

Brad, why are you always fighting with your sister?

How come you and mom always take her side?

I mean, I didn't even do nothing!

Boy, you shot her with a slingshot.


Well, anyway, I'm confiscating this until further notice.

But dad... Jay: And no movies...

For two weeks.

No, uh... April...

If your dad catches me up here, I'm history.

He didn't even like me eating his food.


My parents never come out here at night.

You sure?



Vj: And now for the number one song of the week...

Johnny Steele's "power of the night."

Jj something's going to happen jj jj do you feel it in the air? J jj could be the fear that's everywhere jj jj moon don't look friendly... jj

Jj... and it's called rock and roll... jj


There's something wrong with the TV!


The earth moved.

Oh, already? Yeah.

Jay, will you forget about the shaking? Let's go.

I'm just going to have a look.

Well, we're going to be late for the tournament.

Brad, what the hell are you doing up there?

Dad... you see... uh...

The earthquake threw me clear out of my room.

I could not believe it.

Oh, cut the bull, boy, and get your butt down here.

Well, you look like you've done that a couple of times.

A couple times.

Come on. I want to keep an eye on you.

Where are we going? = out to the field.

Did you see that meteor? I saw something.

Maybe it's a Russian spy probe on some sort of secret mission.

I think you watch too much TV.

Smells like oil burning.

Smells like cow crap to me, dad.


Holy shit!

Are you all right? Yeah.

What is it?

Jay: Looks like one of the herd.

Brad: What happened to him? I don't know.

Without my gun, I don't want to find out.

Let's go.

Mom's going to be really grossed out when she hears about this.

Maybe we shouldn't even tell her about it till we find out more about what happened out here.

This is g xp 11 niner eight, come in, Alpha tango delta. Over.

Sal: What is it, Jeff? Over.

Hey, sal. Hi. Uh...

How about we get some, uh, doughnuts and coffee after work, huh? Over.

Sal: Not tonight, Jeff. Not ever. Over.

I, uh, copy, Alpha tango delta. Over and out.


Damn dog.

Come here, poochy.

Here, pooch.

Come on. Come on, doggie.

Come on.

Bark, bark, bark. Come on what the...?!

Damn cat.


Oh, you scared the hell out of me! Oh!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Forgive me.

Jay, something was staring at me.

What do you mean, "something"? Where?

Over there by the window.

Well, I don't see anything. Well, maybe it was Chewie.

Yeah, maybe.

Did you find anything?

Yeah, we found something a little strange.


Transform. Nothing likes me.

Find something.

Eating start.

Who are you calling? Harv.

I want to tell him what's going on out here.

Maybe he's gotten other calls.

This phone is dead. What?

Mom? Okay.

There's no reason for you to come down here.

Just wait a minute.

Probably just a circuit breaker's been tripped.

What the...?

Jay, any luck? = just a minute.

What's wrong?

Dad! Jay: Stay upstairs!

Mom, we got to help him!

Bradley! No, no, don't come down here!

Jay, come on! What's down there?

I don't know. Something meaner than hell.

Sal: Jeff, come in, Jeff. Over.

This is Alpha tango delta calling g xp 11 niner eight.

Come in. Over.

Sal: Come on, will you quit fooling around and answer me? Over.

Sal: All right, I'm sorry about the doughnuts and coffee.

Maybe another time, but tonight I have to wash my hair.


Come on, Jeff.

I've been getting all sorts of calls about ufos in the area.

Carla emmons swears that one nearly ran into her house and then went flying off.

I think she's been dipping in the cooking Sherry again.

I am starting to lose my Patience, Jeff.

If you are sleeping on the job again, I am not going...

Jay: I can't feel that.

Hey, careful, boy. That's some kind of poison.

That's better, babe.

I'm beginning to get the feeling back.

Steve: I'll get it.

Oh! Aaah!

April: Steve!


Who's that?




April? April: Brad! Brad, help!

Hurry up!

Do something, Brad!

April: Brad!

April: Brad!

Brad! April: Mom! Mom!

What? What are you... Steve's dead!


Call harv. What for?

Call harv.

Call the army. They're here.

Who? Who?!

Them! My teeth.

Sally, call harv, please?


I want to go home.

Okay. Just... where is he?

Might be at the bowling alley.

Okay, good, good. I'll get harv.

You call the army. Okay.

Thank you, miss grubner.


I would like to read to you from the book of Genesis.

Chapter 19... Which, as most of you know, is the story of sodom and gomorrah.

Obviously, some of our citizens are...

We're here for the crites.

The county is going to pay for this, Jeff.



Jeff Barnes?


Jay, what are you doing?

Maybe we ought to just stay put.

They haven't gotten into the house yet.

They will.

We could board up the place. We could make it stronger.

Helen, these things are vicious.

They've cut out our phone, they've cut out our power.

You understand what that means?

It's just a matter of time until they get in here.

Yeah, but we should just stay here...

No, we can't wait.

Wait up, Brad.

I can't go out. Oh, yes, you can, darling.

All right, Jay.

Okay, let's go. We'll stay together.

I'm going to drive, Jay. Okay, baby.

Come on.

Oh my god, Jay.

Oh, mom.

What the hell are those things?

They're from outer space, like Charlie says.

Bradley. Maybe they're some government experiment gone haywire.

They used to be gophers, but got zapped by some radioactive...

Bradley! What are we going to do now?

Steve's keys. Oh, god. Wait!

Jay: Stay together.

Helen: Come on, come on.

Go on!

They're getting bigger!

Brad: Come on, faster! Faster!

It's locked! Come on!

Go! Get in!



Get him up to the door.

Get your feet up, Jay!

Mom, shoot!

I can't! It must be empty!

My pocket. My shirt pocket!

Helen: Get them. Hurry!

Well? The line's busy.

I don't get it. Jay's never this late.

Except when he has to pay for the beer.


Jake, they are coming.

They are coming. They are not only coming, they are here.

See, I was out on route 22...

And I looked up... Have another drink, Charlie.

I don't want another drink, Jake.

I want harv. We're under attack.

I'm going to leave it right here.

Just don't bother me anymore.

I saw the sign was shaking and everything.

Woman: Isn't that Johnny Steele?

Man: I don't know.

Man: Whoa!

Joe, let's go.

Holy shit!

Wonder what team he's on?

Hey, Jake, are we gonna get a couple beers over here or what?

You keep your shirt on, asshole. I got a problem here.

You believe these guys?

It ain't Halloween, is it?

Man on TV: If anything does happen to me, you crooks won't live long.

Man 2 on TV: What does he mean we won't live long?

What can I get for you fellas?

Reverend, what are you doing here?

That's some outfit you got on.

We want the crites. Oh, really?

Who are they, some new team?

The crites.

Look, mister, I-l don't know what you're talking about.

I think you all better be leaving before somebody gets hurt.

You all have a serious attitude problem.

Keep your shirt on, asshole.

This had better be important.

Sal: Harv, you better get down to the church.

All hell is breakin' loose. What?

Sal: The reverend says a couple of guys came into the place they started shooting... Whoa, slow down.

Sal: Destroyed the organ, you know how beautiful...

Where's Jeff? Sal: I don't know.

I've been trying to get him for hours.

Well, give me 10 minutes.

He looks pretty sick, mom.

I'm okay, sport.

He's fine.

He doesn't look fine to me.

Why don't you go check the windows?

Brad: I already did. Well, check them again!

Brad: It's okay, mom.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

April? Yeah?

You okay?

The flue's open!



The shotgun!

Brad! Brad, look out!


Hey, hey!

Hey, hey!

I've been looking for you guys!

I just want to talk to you.

At first he was Jeff. Was it Jeff or wasn't it?

Well, he changed. Changed?

They were wearing really funny clothes.

Like they was from Los Angeles.

Okay, everybody, just calm down.

Sal: Harv, all hell is breaking loose. Over.

Yeah, sal. Over. There's been a disturbance at the bowlarama lanes. Over.

Yeah, what kind of a disturbance? Over.


Evidently some guys shot up the bar.

You get a description? Over.


It's kind of strange, harv, but Jake says it was reverend Miller and Charlie and some stranger.

Hold it, hold it, hold it. I'm not reading you clear, sal.

Repeat that. Over.

Reverend Miller, Charlie McFadden and some stranger just shot up the bar at the bowlarama lanes! Over.

Have you heard from Jeff? Over.

I can't raise him, harv.

Listen, I... I also got a report here about shots fired out route 22...

Near the brown place. Over.

Harv, do you read? Over.

Sal, I want you to keep trying to raise Jeff.

Now, I'm headed over to the bowling alley.

Then I'm going to head out towards the browns' place.

Over and out. = over and out.

Get 'em, harv!

Jay: Babe, I got to get to a phone, get some help out here.

1 can do it. Absolutely not.

Dad, you can't even walk.

I'm so tired.



Assuming I said okay, how would you do it?

Hit the yard, grab my bike and head for the highway.

Dad, somebody's got to go for help.

All right.

But boy, you ride like you never rode before.

You get over to the emmons' house and get on the phone.

Get harv over here. Dad, I'll be fine.

Don't worry. You want to take this?

Nah, you keep it. It'd just slow me down.

Anyway, you might need it.


See ya.

Brad: Oh my gosh. They're growing!

How ya feeling, hon?

Like a brick hit me.

Oh, baby.

How long have I been...?

Where's Brad?

Brad has gone to get help.

Oh, Jay, you shouldn't have let him go.

Stop, stop! Wait!

Go, just go. These things... These critters.

Come on, go!

Dad's all torn up and mom's got, like, a harpoon thing in her neck.

And they're getting bigger.

Let's go!


Where's Jeff?

Hey, you're Johnny Steele.

Where? Huh?

Where are they?

At my house. Come on, hit it.


Charlie, you know where my house is.

Who are you guys?

We want the crites.

The crites? Critters, crites.

You're not from around here, are you?

Okay, okay. You help me, I help you.

Stop it!

God damn it, stop it!

I got one.

Get out of my house!

Damn it! Give me some more rounds.

That's it. Oh, Jay.


Mom? Dad?

Are you all right?

Are you all right? Brad: Yeah.

Brad, who did you bring?

Charlie and Johnny Steele. Who?

Go on!

Helen: Help us!

Oh god, Chewie!

Helen: Help us! Help us!

Oh, it's harv.

Holy shit! What is that, a Cannon? What's going on here?

Brad. Where's Brad? He's still in the house.

Helen, Helen! Helen, Helen, Helen!

Get in the car. Get in the car!

Get in there. Get in. Jay, get in the car.

Watch it!

Jeez, these folks could use a good exterminator.

Charlie, what do you think you're doing?

You drunk?

I hope not you'll take over our operation.

Charlie, put me down.


Harv... are you okay?

I-I swallowed my chewing tobacco.


Here, Chewie.

Brad: Chewie...

Come here.


Where've you been? I've been looking all over for you.

Come on. We're going for a ride.

April: Brad, get down here!




Oh, no.

Helen: April!

No, Helen, no!

No! Where's April?

It just grabbed her. I couldn't do...

It was huge.

Come on, harv. They took her that way.

What was that thing?



Brad! No! You get him!

Get him!

Charlie? = Brad.

I was right. I was right!

What are you doing here? I'm just following my teeth.

I'm getting signals like crazy.

Come on.

Where are we going?

What the heck... =- shhh!

Brad, is that April?

Stay down, Brad.

Stay here. If I need you, I'll holler.

Brad... what's that thing going to do with April?

It's going to kill her. Oh, it's going to kill her.

Kill her?!



Let's go.

Brad! April?

Charlie: Give me your hand!

I dropped my firecracker! April: Well, forget it!

Brad: But they'll get away!

Charlie, let's go! Come on! Charlie, come on!

Brad! Brad, I got an idea. Come here!

Give me your fire. Brad!

Brad, come on!

Brad: Come on!

Throw it!

Brad: Dad!

Mom, dad! Jay: Are you okay?

Brad: Yeah, we're okay.



L, uh... just wanted, you know...

To say thanks.

Bounty hunter: Call me.


Uh... listen, you wouldn't happen to have another one of them electronic gizmos like you gave to Brad there?

Uh, listen, maybe you need a good mechanic to work on them guns there.

I'm real good with my hands...