Critters 2 (1988) Script


I hate that part.

Bounty-hunters, have you completed your mission?

Oh, yeah, we wasted him.

Check out the head on this sucker.

Fine, however, an earlier expedition remains incomplete.

A g-sweep of the planet earth indicates residual crite life.

G-sweep's wrong. No way, your holiness...

I was there. I saw it all.

The g-sweep is infallible.

The council is very nervous when it comes to the crites.

They are a lethal plague and must be wiped out.

Pay for the hexapod kill shall be withheld until the eradication of crites on earth is verified.

There must be no doubt.

Does this mean we're going back to earth?

What takes you to grover's bend, son?

My grandmother lives there.

Oh, easter vacation with granny, huh?

Aw, that's a good grandson.

You know what the bend's famous for, don't you?

What's that?

Hasn't your granny ever told you about those space porcupine things?

No, no, she never did.

Bunch of folks hereabout think they came from one of those unidentified flying ufos or some such.

Some say those little boogers attacked one of the farms outside of town.

Maybe a friend of your granny's, huh?

The browns?

No... no, no, she doesn't know any browns.

Come on, man!

Buried treasure right this way.

What the hell are we doing?

Ain't nobody lived here in two years.

What exactly are we looking for?

Collector's items. Nothing like 'em.

Just like all the other weird shit you got in your store.

Jeez, it's freezing in here.

What are they?

Whatever you tell people they are.

So what do you say?

These things ain't worth dick!

Okay, fine.

I'll just take 'em up to kc.

See what one of them big antique stores will give me for 'em.

You do that. But...

A case of meister brau would save me a lot of trouble.

Load 'em up. Right!

Perfect fit!

Come on, kids, let's go. Hurry up.

Hey, sis, dinner's at 6:00, okay?

Okay, Megan!

You put... No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Okay, okay. We'll pull the photo one column to the left.

Now we'll keep the "4-h club" sidebar, and we will swap the "sidewalk weeds issue" with the "easter egg hunt" right here! Huh?

1-l... Yeah.

Hey, dad! Hi, honey!

I got the returns. Just put them back by the...

The typeset, will you? Okay.

So what do we do about the 39-pound squash?

We bury it somewhere on page four.

I thought you said it was 29 pounds.

39. I weighed oi' jumbo myself.

Better move it up to page one.

We're still looking at empty space here.

Put that back!

I got a stop-press story for you.

Oh, what's that? "Bus driver finds grover's bend"?

"Brad brown is back in town."

Bradley brown?!

The boy who cried "critter."

We don't want to get scooped on this one, Mr. Morgan.

Not much chance of that, sal.

We're the only paper in 80 miles.

This is big news in grover's bend.

Inquiring minds want to know!

Like mine. Mm-hmm. Just forget it, sal.

That boy's stories nearly tore this town apart.

Just let grover's bend forget about that night.

I mean it, sal, no... Brad brown.

Brad who?

Snack time! Here we are!

Don't you have any Clark bars or milk duds?

Honey, fresh vegetables are high in fiber, and we need fiber for a healthy bm.

We don't want to get constipated, do we?

No! No, we don't.

I know who that is!

Bradley, come on in.

Hi, Nana. Oh, look at you...

You're shooting up like a stinkweed.

Mmm, you've been eating red meat.

No! No, no, no. Not me.

It's the worst thing you could do to that body.

Come in here and have a good snack with these kids.

You know the carnivores have short intestines and the meat passes right out through?

But we're herbivores, we've got great long intestines and the meat just rots in there.

No, no, you stop it.

Quigley, get your stupid dog out of the way!

Chili dog, get in the back!

Go on, get back. Go on! Get in the back.

Go on! Get in the back, you miserable son of a bitch!

Go on!

It's just a dog. So was cujo.

= shit.

Hi, harv.

What in the hell are you doing here?

Important business. Brad brown is back in town.

Oh... well, on the important chart I'd put that right between a pineapple quiche and a pimple on the ass.

I thought you would want to talk with him...

You know, about the critters and all.

Why in the hell would I want to do a thing like that?

If I never talk to anybody about them things that shall remain nameless, I'll die a happy man... And besides that, I ain't been sheriff of this burg for two glorious years.

Now, why don't you run along home, sal?

Because they're about to start the bonus round.

Here's the last of them.

Put them with the rest of them, brain dead.

So... what about them brewskies?

This is all that plain-wrap piss.

I thought we agreed on meister bra...

I ain't got no meister bra...

Then I'm taking two.

And a couple of these!

I hate teenagers.


Now... what in the hell am I gonna do with you?

Right on the highway 54, just outside of grover's bend.

We'd love to see ya.

Moo-ve. Jj at the hungry heifer ij ji we won't give you a bum steer jj

Say, ug...

How come...

You look like that rock and roll guy, and Lee's still a...


Because this body fit.

Lee stays a nothing-face till he finds the right self.

Can't live in the wrong self.

Charlie quiet.


Just about going back to earth after all this time.

Don't want to?

I don't know.

On earth, I was just a big nobody.

I had one friend...

And he was just a kid.

Brad. Yeah.

Hey, hey, uh...

You wouldn't just leave me on earth, would you?

Charlie bounty-hunter.


Yeah, Charlie bounty-hunter.

Say, you guys are okay, you know that?

Jj at the hungry heifer ij ji we won't give you a bum steer jj how about some buffalo chips or a moo shake?

We've got a two-for-one easter special.

No, thanks.

Wesley, what are you doing here?

Let's have us a beer.

Don't you get it?

Let's just say I'm not the Van halen type.

All right!

I hate elevator music too.


What other choice you got?

Wesley, I've got to go to work! Leave me alone!

Leave her alone.

Just, you know, cool it, okay?

Well, looky here.

Little Bradley brown.

I haven't seen you in a long time, peewee.

How's your little space monsters?

I don't want to start any trouble, okay, Wesley?

Did you hear that?

The little mouse don't want any trouble.

Well, that's too bad.

I'm w a r n ing y o u 3 I've been taking karate.

I don't want anyone getting hurt, so just keep your distance.

Somebody call the sheriff!

Shouldn't have come back, asshole!

Nobody wants you here!

Thanks for the getaway. I'm...

Bradley brown.

Do I know you? Did we go to school together?

You used to throw cherry bombs in the trash cans.

Are you a senior? Yup.

What? Ponytail and braces.

And zits. You're Megan Morgan?!


Does your dad still run the newspaper?

I'm a reporter there. Really?!

Kinda like a Jimmy Olsen with breasts.

Chili, chow!

Well, shit.

I reckon you'll come back when you get hungry.

But I'm going home.

Mr. quigley? Len?!

Are you here?

Nana, it's scary in here.

It's okay, hon.

Nothing here can hurt you.

Especially no dead frog.

Don't touch that! = I didn't hurt it!

Never mind that, len.

Where are those easter eggs you called me about?

Oh, they're in the back.

Where on earth did you get these, len?!


They're from Europe.


What are you asking for these, len?


10 bucks... each.

That's not what you'd ask the church, now, is it?

Oh, of course not. Of course not!

I'll give you $20 for the stack.

You can have half for $25. 20.

For half.


Now, Cindy, these really are special, aren't they?

Yeah, really.

How long are you in town? Just through easter vacation.

Where do you guys live now? Up in Kansas City.

Kc, k or kc, mo?

This isn't for "the gazette," is it?

I'm thinking of going to college there next year, okay?

Sorry, I just get nervous with reporters and stuff.

'Cause of all that talk about those...

Space monsters a couple years ago?

No such thing as any "space monsters."


Yeah, that was just a stupid kid's dumb dream.

It never happened.

Oh, thanks for helping me, honey.

And for being such a good girl, I've got a present for you.

What? You just wait.

Wow, a chocolate bunny!

It's better than chocolate, honey, it's carob!

You might as well take one of these too.

Thanks, Nana. Happy easter, darling.


Easter sucks.



What the...?

Chili dog?

Chili boy.


Chili, wake up, boy.

Whoa! Oh!

What the hell...

Looks like someone's getting sleepy.

Not me!

Go on, honey. You want to be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed for the big easter egg hunt tomorrow morning.

But I'm not sleepy yet, daddy.

Really! = uh-huh.

Come on, I'll tuck you in.



Night, brat. Night, creep.

Super daughter.

Do you want to get under the covers?

No, it's too hot.

Oh, okay. Night, night, sleep tight.

Don't let the bedbugs bite.

I'll just bite it right back!

Yeah. Oh... uh-oh!

What's that in your hair?

Good night, daddy. I love you.

I love you, too.

I'm going to bed now, Bradley.

Don't stay up too late.

You knew no one would believe it, didn't you?

I sure do miss you, Charlie.

Where did you go?

Honey, are you all right?

Oh, I'm sorry, honey.

Boy, your easter candy's a real mess.

Eww... Eww...

Would you look at this?

You ladies are doing a wonderful job.

Oooh! Now, reverend!

Those are for the children.

The easter bunny's here.

Right on time.

Midge, would you bring the sheriff his package?

Here you go. There you are.

Are you sure you couldn't get somebody else to do this?

Sheriff harv did it for 20 years running.

Well, I ain't sheriff harv! Don't be such a gloomy Gus.

Sheriff, just help us out.

Who knows, you might even have yourself a good time.

Fat chance.

Well, you better hurry, ladies.

Resurrections in 45 minutes. = oh!

Put this down on the other side.

Okay, Emily.

Spread them out so they're all even.

Good morning, children.

Happy easter.

We're going to have to be patient today.

We can't start the hunt until the services are over, but I have it on good authority that the easter bunny himself just might make an appearance.

Thank you.

Boy, pretty good crowd today.

I haven't seen you since Christmas.

I thought he was gone! He's trouble.

Back here. = that's him.


Welcome, friends.

Welcome one and all.

Today, of course, is the day of resurrection.

So it seems only fitting that some of you have chosen this day to resurrect your church-going habit.

Why'd I ever let her talk me into this?

Honey, that's awfully beautiful.

Aw, this is great.

The easter bunny with his tehachapi hanging out.

It'd give them kids a real education.

What the hell was in you?

And entering into the sepulcher, they saw, sitting on the right side, d young man...

Clothed in a long, white garment.

And they were affrighted.

Come on, sweetheart, let's go.

There you are.

My dad just ran your grandma home.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm all right.

What do you think happened to the sheriff?

You heard 'em. It was probably some kind of farm accident.

Farm accident?! You saw him!

That was no farm accident.

What are you trying to say?

You were telling the truth about those things, weren't you?

There's no such thing as those things!

I don't believe you.

I-I mean I do believe you.

I mean, I believe what you said a couple years ago.

Do me a favor and don't do me any favors, okay?

Don't you think we better go see harv?

Well, I'm going.



We need you in town. Something awful's happened at the church.

What the hell are you doing here, boy?

We think it might have been those... creatures.

What creatures would that be?

It's true, harv. You see 'em?

Not exactly, but I...

Then don't be bringing me grief!

You go tell the sheriff.

The sheriff is dead! They got him up at the church.

His stomach was eaten out.

Some of the folks are trying to say it was some kind of farm machine accident, but it wasn't.

You have to come with us, harv! What are you doing?

What does it look like I'm doing, Einstein?

I'm doing what any intelligent, god-fearing grover's benders would do!

I'm haulin' ass!

You can't leave now! This town needs you!

Yeah? This town voted me out in a landslide.

This town can kiss my ass!

I can't believe you're just going to run away.

We need you, harv. We need a sheriff.

Go check the yellow pages.

Oh... hi. Uh...

This here's American culture.

Good reading.

G-good articles.


Oh no, Lee. Lee, no, no.

No, no, don't... No, don't look at me, Lee!

Kill crites.

Hey, guys! Hey, wait up!

Hey, Lee!

Lee, you're gonna need this!

Okay, let's think about this.

Maybe there is a logical explanation.

What do you mean? Like really bad stomach ulcers?

Well, it could have been a dog!

Yeah, and it could have been the brain from planet Eros.

You saw him, Brad. It was no dog.


What's the matter?

I need a little air. I was going home to take a hot bath and I see...

Just slow down.

Rolling, rolling, towards me...

It's getting bigger Take a breath!

And bigger...

And it's got these big teeth...

Where did it go?! It went into quigley's!

Mr. quigley!

Get in the truck and lock the doors. Hurry.

Brad, you can't go in there. Let's just get help!

Oh, who are we gonna call? Critter busters?

Just stay behind me in the truck!

Mr. quigley?

Anybody home?

Mr. quigley, are you okay?

Nobody's home. Let's get outta here.

Get up!

Bradley, look behind you!

Get in the truck!

Get in!

Roll up the window! It's broken!

Come on! God damn it!

Come on, come on!

You're flooding it! Then you drive, damn it!

Dear god, that critter thing!

Get away, I am not kidding!

Yuck, veggies, ugh!

Nana, the critters are here.

No, shit, Bradley!

Damn meat eaters!

Where are you going? Bradley!

Where's the communicator? What communicator?

The one the bounty-hunters gave to me.


The space guys.

Oh. Oh, you mean the remote control.

It's always on the TV. Not the remote control.

Nana, this is not the remote control.

Those bounty-hunters!

That was fast.

More crites. Yeah, a lot more.

Boy am I glad to see you!

B-both of you.

These guys are great.



I can't believe it!

Look at you... all dressed up like one of them.

Well, I am one of them. I'm a bounty-hunter.

Yeah, right.

No, no, no. I work with them.

Are you still...?

Nah, nah.

I don't need that anymore. You see... see...

Up in space, I am somebody.

See, I got a job and a meaning.

Sol... I guess that means you won't be staying long then, huh?

Probably not.

B-but, see, Brad...

I gotta go where the cosmic winds blow me.

I gotta...


Where no man has gone before.

Well, it's really good to have you back, Charlie.

Even if it's just for a little while.

Hey, wait! Help us out over here.

That guy's crazy. Don't go in there.

Jd hey, little buddies, come gather 'round jj jj this here's the very best eating in town jj jj the hungry heifer's the place to be jj jj lip-licking good, you can take it from me 270 jj try a polar burger and some buffalo chips 57 jj and wash it all down with a moo shake jj jj pat your tummy and smack your lips ij jj suck for hours on your fingertips jj jj at the hungry heifer I'l ji we won't give you a bum steer jj


Get out of the way!

Operator?! Operator, can you hear me? Please listen, I can't hear you, but this is the editor of the "grover's bend gazette."

We need to get the highway patrol down here right away.

Operator, can you... oh, god.

Oh, my god. I can't hear you.

All I can hear is static. If you're there...

Can you hear me? Can anybody out there hear me?


Oh... Thank god!

They're real. I know.

The critters are real.

Daddy, are you okay? Yeah.

= shh!

Did you guys hear that? Let's get to the door.

Oh no! Daddy! Get him up, come on!

Go! For god's sake!

Wesley! Wesley!


Please go on inside. You'll be much safer in there.

I need some more bandages.


Cindy, are you okay? What happened to daddy?

Don't worry, he's gonna be all right.


Ug, what happened?

Crites feed together.

Eat like a family.

Love meat. A bad habit.

You guys don't eat meat?!

Hey, who's gonna pay for all this stuff?!

Look at the mess you guys made!

No, Lee, no, no, don't...

Not this! No, Lee!

Kill more crites.

I-I gotta go, Brad.


It sure is quiet.

Maybe they're all dead.

I wish.

They're probably waiting right outside.

There's a cheery thought.

It's like they're teasing us or something.

I just wish I knew where they were.




W-what are you... What are you doing?

No! No, no, no!

No, Lee, please!

Hold it, Lee. Hold on.

This is the one. This... now, this...

This... that's it.

Good, that's it.

Kill crites.

Thank you.

Sweet Jesus! What was that?


Ug, what happened?

Where's Lee?

God, ug's losing it.

Charlie, what happened?

Lee's dead.

What happened to...


Is he okay?

He ain't breathing.

That's okay, he don't have a mouth.

Try and transform, ug.


I'm not a good enough bounty-hunter to do it by myself.

Hey, get back inside! Go on!

If you don't get inside I'm going to see to it your dad blisters your little butt!

Get inside and lock the door.

I'm back.



Looks like we got us a job to do.

Did you hear that? Uh-huh.

What was it? = shh!

Look! Where are they all going?

I don't know.

Looks like some kind of critter convention.

There must be hundreds of them.

We can't call in the highway patrol.

All the damn phone lines are down.

We've got to do something. We can't just stay here!

Those things got the west road out of town blocked.

We're never gonna get past them.

Same goes for the east.

Listen, this is the safest place we can be!

Now, I say we stay here and wait the little bastards out.

These things aren't gonna leave.

Mind your own business, boy!

This is my business!

These things don't give up!

We have to fight 'em and we have to kill 'em.

Seems mighty queer to me...

Two years ago when the critters first come, they come to the boy's house.

Now the boy's back in town and the damn things are here too!

Listen to me! I've been through this before!

We have to fight these things! We don't include you.

Now, I ain't listening to no undersized kid from the big city.

Or no town drunk, or no no-faced spaceman out of a flying saucer telling us how to run our own town!

We didn't have this trouble till the boy came back.

Let's not get hysterical here.

That boy saved my little girl's life.

This ain't no show of yours either, Morgan.

I say the boy's bad news in shoes.

What is this bullshit?

Them man-eating dust mops got us roped up tighter than a blue-ribbon bull and all you folks can do is stand here and play kick-the-can with some punk kid!

If we set around here on our duffs...


We're gonna end up tomorrow's leftovers.

Now I don't too much relish that idea.

I think it's time to fight back.

We gotta blow them up. Oh, come on, boy!

No, no, I mean it!

Go out in the field and see for yourselves.

The critters are eating the cattle out there.

It's just like ug said, they get together to feed.

So let's put out the most outrageous banquet in the world for them.

What have you got in mind, son?

Polar burgers!

We'll get them into the hamburger factory, lock them in and then blow them up!

So who's gonna lead this suicide mission?


It was my idea, but I'm gonna need some help.


I'm in.

I'll go.


All right, you all just volunteered.

Come on, you bunch of pussies.

You've got nothing to lose but your lives.

I'll get the gate!


Armed and dangerous, everybody.

Oh, my god!

It's working!

Let's roll.

Oh, my god.

Harv, harv!

Company's coming.

Wait up!

Hey, don't piss them off!

Everybody, ready? Here they come.

Oh, dear god.


They stopped.

Oh, shit.

Charlie, come back here!


They're coming back.

Brad, I think it's gonna work. = shh.

Where did that big one come from?

Oh, my god.

Look at the size of their leader.



It's the bounty-hunter. He led them back.

The door!

Run! Blow it, blow it!

We fried 'em!

Are you okay?

Yeah. It's just ketchup.

Close one, though.

Get back, she's gonna blow again!

Son of a bitch.

Harv, it's heading back to town.

Ohhh, lord, harv, the children!

Come on. Let's go!

Come on!

Come on, faster!

They're heading for town! Come on!

Oh, my god, I bet it's headed for the church.

We gotta stop it!

Inside, quick. Quickly!

Honey, do what he says. Get inside.

Brad, look out!

Ram it, ram it!

I'm gonna hit it!

Come on! Run, run!


I'm a bounty-hunter!!


You mean that...


Good ol' Charlie.

Brad, look at ug.

Well, just go on in, huh?

You practically got the whole run of the bus.

Goodbye, Brad.

Goodbye, Charlie... I mean... ug.


Thanks, Nana. Love ya. I love you, too.

And here. Here's a...

Spinach-cashew cake I made.

Eat it if you get hungry.

Okay? Okay.

Get a move on, son, this bus runs on a schedule.

I guess I'll be seeing ya.

Come on, son. Kiss your little gal and let's haul ass.

Holy shit!

Hey, can one of you guys help me get this parachute off?


Oh, I got it.





Say, listen...

What just happened here?

If I was you, partner, I'd roll this rig right outta town, and not say nothing about none of this to nobody.

Bye, Megan.

Bye, Brad.

Hey, Charlie! Catch!

Jj hey, little buddies come gather 'round jj jj this here's the very best eating in town jj jj the hungry heifer's the place to be jj jj lip-licking good, you can take it from me 270 jj try a polar burger and some buffalo chips 57 jj wash it all down with a moo shake jj jj you'll pat your tummy and smack your lips I'l jj suck for hours on your fingertips jj jj at the hungry heifer ij ji we won't give you a bum steer jj and don't you forget, all of your friendly hungry heifer restaurants throughout the midwest are open on easter Sunday. So after church, why don't you and your family stop in for a creamy moo shake or some crispy buffalo chips?

And we'd like to invite you and your family to visit our factory, right off of highway 54, just outside of grover's bend.

We'd love to see ya!


Jj at the hungry heifer ij ji we won't give you