Cuban Fury (2014) Script

Bruce: 'Salsa.'


'It was like something from another planet, 'the music, the passion, the rhythm.

'Once I put those shoes on, I never wanted to take them off.

'It was like I had fire in my heels.

I'll was an unstoppable salsa machine, trophy after trophy after trophy, 'all overseen by my mentor, Ron Parfitt, 'great coach, hard bastard.'

Most people think you dance with your feet. Bollocks.

You dance with your heart. You dance with El corazón.

And Bruce, Bruce has got a heart like a bison and balls like an elephant.

Bruce: 'And by side, my sister and dance partner, Sam.'

BOTH: Thunder, Thunder, Thunder, "ThunderCats". Ho!


MAN: Ten!

Bruce: 'We travelled the circuit, 'Berkshire, Buckinghamshire, Bedfordshire, 'We won it all, every title going, except one... the Nationals.

'Cuban heels, silk shirt, 1,000 hand-sewn sequins.

I'll was ready to take on the world.

'But sometimes salsa just throws you out for a spin.'

Oi, wanker, nice shirt.


Come here!

Bruce: I'll don't know where I was when I fell in love with salsa.

'But I know exactly where I was when it stopped.'

Who do you think you are? Barry Manilow?

MC: 'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Nationals...'

Bruce: I'll never turned up that night.

I'll just phoned him and told him, "Salsa's for pussies."

'And I guess that fire in my heels, 'it just went out.'




Oh, dear.



PRESENTER: 'GFD Engineering, 'Western Europe's premier supplier of high-end manufacturing

'and five-star industrial machinery...'


Why do we have to do this every morning? It's not a bike.

Not now it's not, but I just watched you transform it on the monitor.

Look, I'll admit, for a while outside it was a bike, but now, piff, paff, poof, look at that.

It's a piece of luggage.


Fucking hell. Juanita, buenos días.

Bruco, no.

No, no.

What have you gone for here? This what you're wearing today?

I cycle in wearing it.

You just looked in your wardrobe and thought, "I think I'll just look like a Maxi Babybel today." Was that it?

Have you shaved? No.

Just lift your... Some jam on your stubble.

Don't do that in front of everyone.

It's a big day, a big day, man.

Got the new boss starting this morning.

I hear he's a ball buster.

Well, I hear apparently he is a she.

You mean like a tranny?

No. No.

A woman. Oh... a woman.

What kind of a woman wants to run a company that specialises in heavy industrial machinery?

(GIGGLES) I think I know.

Big, hairy.

Big sort of big lump. A beast.


Might be perfect for you.

Hmm. Anyway, listen, this bike's not going to park itself.

I'll see you up there, OK? Don't be late.

I don't like my team to be late. It's unprofessional, isn't it, bum flap?

Drew: There they are, Mork and Mindy.


Can you not hear that?

Hello, Bruce Garrett. Drew: 'Hello, Bruce.

'Do you like scary films?'

What? I'll'm doing "Scream".

'You totally bought it.' Oh, hi, Drew.

'They're going to unleash the beast, Bruce.'

WOMAN: Who wouldn't swap the crystal blue waters of the Pacific for the endless silted mud flats of old Father Thames? Am I right?

Uh, and hopefully I can prove to you that I'm a better sales manager than I am a public speaker.


I bet she's got the bag to go with them shoes.

Mm? Her, United States of Bitch Face.

Little Miss I'm-So-American.


OK, I'm going to stop talking now. Let's all have a drink.


Oi. You were right, you know?

She is a woman.

And what a woman. Wow-wow-wee-wah.

I would make a splash inside that like a milk truck hitting a wall.

Listen, can we not... Can we not talk ejaculate at the buffet table?

Look at her, though. Look at my little dairy queen, uh?

You see? You had little a look, too.

Oh, some tzatziki. Oh, that's cute.

No, it is. It's adorable, Bruce. That's all right. You can look.

But don't touch 'cause that would be embarrassing, wouldn't it?

Just leave it to the experts. Sure.

The sexperts. I just coined that. That's quite good, actually.

Wasn't it? Don't!



Work time is over, motherfuckers.

Ah, I think we know what that means.

That means, oh, oh, it's party time.

That's right.

Who wants to come and play with the dancing bear?

This one... This one loves a little bear time.

Oh, God. Come on.

Not me. Come on. Come on. Come on.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, there it is. You've got a little bit of rhythm going on there.

Drew: That's it, see? What are you worried about?

She moves like a gem. Oh.

Oh, yeah. What are you like?

And she loves a spin. That was good, you see?

Oh, what about this one?

Little silent but deadly in the corner.

Stop it. You going to come dancing with me?

Just a little something-something. Don't.

What? I don't dance.

Everybody's dancing. I don't dance. I don't like it.

All right, make yourself useful.

Drew: Oh, Oh. (LAUGHS)


Oh, the line broke, 'cause it was a big fish.

What time is it? It's Cossack time!

Drew: Oh, yes.

Hey, Bruce!


(LAUGHS RAUCOUSLY) Oh, you like it!


Wow, I am so sorry. Sorry, I'm sorry.

We've got tangled here. Let me try and get this... Ow!

Ow. Ow.

Again, I'm sorry. Are you all right?

Where am I? Am I in England?

No, I'm fine. (LAUGHS) Just... fine.

Maybe we should get these untangled.

Bruce Garrett. Bruce Garrett, that's me and...

Julio Matthews. They printed it wrong.

But I like it, so I'm going to keep it.

Yeah. No, you should. I think it suits you.

Adds Latin flavour to it.


I just want you to know I wasn't trying to escape your party.

No, me neither. Why would anybody want to leave that amazing party?

Uh, shall we... Yes.

Well, what a pickle, a 3-D Jigsaw.

Thank you. Nice to meet you, Bruce.

Likewise... Julio.


Mm. Do you know what I like best about this place?

Apart from the free glacé cherries?

Apart from the free glacé cherries, the fact that they still insist upon my little sister dressing up like a Tongan concubine.

Oh, they don't insist and I prefer Polynesian call girl.


So talk me through head-butting your new boss.

Well, actually, she might have head-butted me, but our lanyards tangled. There was a struggle, you know?

Our heads went forward. There was a crash, wallop.

Mm, sounds like she made quite an impression.

No, no, not this again. Oh, come on, Bruce.

You haven't even mentioned a girl since, what, the early '90s?

Stand down, Samantha, please. She is not of my world.

Oh and what world is that, the world of not even trying?

Yeah, indeed, the planet She's Beautiful, Way Out Of My League, and also my boss, so knock it on the head.

Oh, that well-known place. Is that right next to precious comfort zone?

A place you've never even stepped out of ever.

All I'm saying is that if you really like something, you've got to put yourself out there. Got to reach out and grab it.

The cherries are not that delicious.

I'm not talking about the cherries, Bruce.


I would not like to be those tyres.

Ouch. Ha-ha, yeah, very amusing!

It comes fitted with an 80-mil, three jaw self-centring Chuck.

Tool size, eight mil Max. I mean, you'd never need any more.

Hey, hello. This is, uh, Ju... Oh, sorry, everybody.

Let me introduce you to the brains of the operation, our head of department, Miss Julia Matthews.

Uh... I'm sorry. Keep going. I was just going to sit in.

It's nice to have you with us.

(CHUCKLES) Are you done? Yeah.

Any questions? What's the capacity?

Ah, capacity. Ah.

It's 250 mil between the centres. You really know your stuff.

Thank you. Thank you. I... I love lathes.

Oh, while I remember, we can also provide, um, promo videos.

Isn't that right, Bruce? Mm.

Actually, I think we've got one of those on this computer right here.

Not on that one. Let me have a look.

Yeah, I think I saw the one for the DML vertical lathe on here somewhere the other day. No.

Wait, there it is. Hold on. Is it?

Yeah, this is a really good example of the videos we can give you.

'Hello, with a Meehanite frame annealed for maximum rigidity, 'it offers perfect jib-bed flushing each and every time.

'The Haas ST30 turning lathe, 'it offers precision grinding over full vertical stroke.'

This is what I think of when I'm trying not to ejaculate too quickly.

OK, green fees paid, let's play the game of golf game.

Please help me.

Are you still banging on about those balls?

Well, yes, this one's going to fly further, but this one's going to give me more control round the green.

If we've finished with the high-brow chit-chat, can we move on please to the weekly roundup?

Yes, yes. OK, ladies and gentlemen.

Totals for the week, dates with a lady?

Nil. Nil.

Mobile numbers acquired? Nil.

I got a number. It was a zero.

Ah, erotic encounters?

Nilly vanilly.

Now, listen to this. Last Sunday at Tom's christening, I grazed past horny Aunty Jean's side boob?

Does it count? Adjudicator?

It's a nil. I thought I'd throw it in.

Finally, have you had any contact with a member of the opposite sex where money did not exchange hands and she looked at you for more than eight seconds and she was not your mum or an arresting officer?



Mm? Well, no, obvs...

Here endeth the weekly roundup.

Hurry up, Mickey!



Ah, thank you... very much.

Oh. What is it?

Shit. Nothing. Please don't look. What's wrong?

What are you doing? What is it?

Please don't look. Who is it, hm?

It's just someone from work. It's a girl I work with.

Oh, my God, she's nice. Don't look. Stop it.

Hey, turn around, will you? Oh, I would...

If I was physically able... You're not dis...

You're not disabled, Gary. You're married.

Go on, then. Have a go.

Did you see her? She's beautiful. She's like a ten. I'm a two.

That's an eight-point swing, like a butterfly going out with a parsnip.

What? Yeah. Well, you know...

All right, I'm not saying it's going to be easy.

You'll have to work at it. It's like that, um, that machine you're on about for British Aerospace.

The PL5 cylindrical grinder. Thank you.

She's the cylinder. Click-click.

(WEST Indian ACCENT) You're the grinder, mm?

Just grind her down, uh, uh, uh.

You grind her down. I don't like the two-finger bit.

Make her notice you, Bruce.

Think I should say hello? Oh, don't... no.

Go up there and say something like...



(Gary CHUCKLES) Woo-hoo. Good luck, mate.

Bruce. Yes?

Grind it.

(Gary CHUCKLES) Don't do that. Don't be daft.





Why did it have to be salsa?

'Eat them. Eat them pig boy. Eat your sequins.

'Eat them. Eat them!

'Who do you think you are? Barry Manilow?

'Eat them...' (ECHOES)

Hey, Rick, have you seen my sister?

She's over there. Sam, Sam. Sam, sorry.

Give us a second. I need you.

She is of my world.

Who is? Julia, my boss.

(GASPS) You stepped out of your comfort zone.

I was at the pub. She came in. I followed her.

And she was salsa dancing.

Are you shitting me? Oh, my God.

She was doing the sweetest little basic and I just wanted to rush in and gather her into my arms and... and... just dance, you know?

(SIGHS) I haven't... I have not felt like that since...

Sequin-gate. Since Sequin-gate.

(SIGHS) You know that box has been closed a long, long time.

I know. It happened and it was bad.

What did you say? Bad?

Sam... they ripped all the sequins off of my shirt and they stuffed them in my mouth, yeah?

And then they made me eat them. The big boys made me gobble them, yeah?

Just gobbling, gobbling sequins.

Gobbling the big BMX boy. Know the story, Bruce.

Gobbling. Enough's enough. Now, listen.

Maybe this is your chance to rewrite history.

Let it go.

What are you thinking about?

These are fucking hot in large quantities.

Thank you.

Fucking hell, what is... What is that?

Vodka. Why would you give me neat vodka?

Now, listen, maybe this is your way in.

You know how all girls love a man who can dance.

You could dance.

If you really like this girl, salsa your way in.

I had fire in my heels, didn't I? Oh, feet of flames.

Could I get it back again, though? Easily.

How easily?

See how I do this shot...

That easily. That was easy.

Mm. Can I have one?

One? Mm-hm.



Bruce: Cheers.




And the winner is...

Bruce Garrett.

There's Ron.

"Be my Valentine."

Mm, big old ginger Glen and Ted.

Mirrors, I need me some mirrors.






















Can I have a Diet Coke and a packet of Scampi Fries, please?

Well, you could if I wasn't closing.

All right, Ron?


Well, what the hell happened to you? You look like shit.

Charming. Thanks very much.

You got a customer complaints department here at, er, El Corazón?

Oh, hang on, I'll get a form for you.

There it is.

How did you find me?


Fucking Internet. Internet.

Oh, yeah, how have you been? Have you been all right? You good?

It looks nice in here.

OK, I think that is us all caught up, then.

What do you want from me, Garrett? Nothing. Just passing.

Wondered if you were still teaching.

Oh, right, OK, just 'cause I'm looking for a lesson.

Are you taking the piss? No.

No, I'm not. I just want a lesson, blow away the cobwebs.

What do you reckon? I reckon salsa's for pussies.

Isn't that what you said? Did I?

Oh, yeah, you did.

I don't really remember that, 'cause I was just a kid.

And what are you now? (NERVOUSLY) I'm a man.

Oh, you think so, do you?

Pretty certain. (SIGHS) Hot in here, isn't it?

We'll see. Tomorrow night, 7:00 pm sharp.

Five quid on the door and I want to see you in 1% inch heels.

Brilliant. Great, all right. Thank you, Ron.

Mr. Parfitt. Thank you, Mr. Parfitt.

Hey, where are we on the Scampi Fries?

Piss off. I'll see you tomorrow.


Come here, my babies.

Come to Daddy.

Oh, there you are.


Thank you. One, thank you.

(IRANIAN ACCENT) Rubber sole. Old school.

A shit load of kudos to you, my friend.

Personally, as a person, I love the suede sole.

I'm a suede head. People, they say, "No, you have to be rubber sole."

I'm like, "No, I love the suede. I love the suede. I love the suede."

Don't you love the suede? I tell you what. Take a look at this.

If you see here, if you see where my sole is...

Come on, gather around. Come on.

I see what kind of a sole you are, asshole.

Hey, don't... How are you today, guys?

Spread out a little bit. Make sure you can see me.

Everybody OK, yeah?

Oh, we've got a new student with us tonight.

Welcome to El Corazón. What's your name?

It's fine. Don't worry about names. I'm just passing through so...

Sure, no problem. Thank you.

Let's pick up where we left off yesterday, OK?

Basic step, everyone. Ready?

And one, two, three, five, six, seven and...

Sorry. Yes?

I think I'm in the wrong class.

Right. Where's Mr. Parfitt?

He's in his office, OK? OK.

All right, let's carry on. Ready and...

What's he, um... Sorry. What's he doing in there?

I don't know. Fine, all right.

I'm sorry. Crack on. That's all right.

We will, thank you. Do your basics.

Thank you very much. Here we go.

Ready and one, two, three.


Bruce: Hello?

Hey. Are you not teaching me? I said I ran a class.

Didn't say I taught one. Ron, please.

It's baby stuff out there. Just one quick freshener.

Oh, I see.



I think we've done... One private lesson.

How much do you want? 40 for an hour?

Oh, that's what you think.

You think I sit back here waiting for someone to come in and open their wallet?

Yeah, what are you waiting for?


(SOFTLY) Hello. This is Bruce Garrett.

Take him out for a quick spin. No.

Road test him.

Alicia teaches our advanced class, 2007 world champion, dances cabaret style.

Oh, yes, yes.

You do know cabaret style, yeah?

Sorry, do I... You ask if I know cabaret style? (CHUCKLES)


Do you want to get warm?

You should, although you look quite warm as it is.


I hear about you.

Ah. The boy with fire in his heels.

Well, that's a long time ago.


You're in my yard now. Mm?

Oh, crikey.


Ah, cha.

Ya. Rumba!





Stop it.

ALL: Ooh.

Welcome back. (CHUCKLES)



That's lesson one, son.


Thank you.

All right, dump truck.

Have you seen what she's wearing today?

Who? The big boss, yeah.

She's got her green number on. Isn't that nice?

She's trying to tell me something, you know what I mean?

She's trying to tell me something. (LAUGHS)

I'm going to leave a stink on her that she will never get off.

I'm going to be on her like bonfire smell, you know I mean?

She's going to be in the shower changing her clothes.

She's going to be like, "OMG, I can still smell him."

That's right, Julia. Get used to it. I'm in your pores.

You're disgusting. (LAUGHS)

I think it's so cute when you've got a little crush.

You get a little crush and you get so disgusted. Listen.

Women like that use guys like you to get advice about men like me.

It's empty.



Are you kidding me?


Ah! Oh...

Oh, God.

(GROANS) Oh, my God. Oh, God.

Oh, my God, are you OK? Yeah.

Somebody call an ambulance! Really, no, I'm fine.

Don't move. Don't move. Don't move. Don't move. Don't move.

In for two, out for two. Slow down.

Was there a pastry in this bag? Yeah, I had an iced bun.

I was driving... and then, all of a sudden, my tape deck wasn't working and then bang!

All of a sudden you were on the hood of my car. I thought I'd killed you.

Listen, don't worry. I'm fine.

OK. OK, you're OK.

Yeah. We're OK. I'm OK.

You're alive!

(SIGHS) I mean, I hit you with my car, the least I could do is give you a ride home.

Don't worry about it. It's only a little car, isn't it?

Oh, my God. Are you going to sue me?

No! No, gosh, no. Good Lord, I'd never sue. (CHUCKLES)

You know we're not... As a society, we're not really big suers, you know?

We don't... We don't do it.

God, you're rambling. Are you OK?

Yeah. Are you sure?

No, I'm fine. OK, what's my name?

Do you remember my name? Julio.

Oh, there's the culprit.

Oh. The cassette of death.

La casete de muerte.

Ah, Tito Puente, Willie Colón, Ray Barretto.

Oh, yes, let's just put that somewhere else far, far away.

It's uh...

I salsa, OK? I'm into salsa.

In fact, I was on my way to salsa class, which is why I was willing to kill a man to get there, so that's how much I like salsa.


All right, so you've entered total shock.

Are you in a state of shock now?

I... I salsa.


Right, sure you do.

Wow, now I'm really worried about you. Are you OK?

Did Helen tell you about the, uh, bowling?

'Cause we're going to do this whole bowling-bonding thing if you want to come.

Uh, yeah. Yeah, definitely. Definitely.

I like bowling. I was... I was born to bowl, really.

Born to bowl, wow. That's a big statement.


One more time and...

One, two, three, five, six, seven.

Let's try that one more time. Ready and one...

Oh, you, whatever your name is.

My name is Bruce Garrett and I'm here to learn salsa.

Well, very nice to meet you, Bruce. We're walking through some basics.

Ready and one, two, three, to the side, six, seven.

Forward and turn. Back and shimmy.

One more time and... one, two, three, five, six, seven.

Forward and turn, back and shimmy.

Nice one, Bruce.

Let's try that again. Ready and five, six, seven, go!

Turn! Shimmy!

One more time.

Yeah, thank you.

Well done, everyone. Muy bien.

See you next week. Thank you very much, guys. Thank you.



I love this. Hey.

I just wanted to say sorry for being rude to you.

Yes, you were. You were very rude to me.

You were kind of a pig to me, actually, a rude pig.

I'm kidding with you. God! My name is Bejan, nice to meet you.

I'm Bruce. Bruce, hi.

Bejan is actually my middle name.

My full name is Ali Reza Bejan Ahmadzadeh.

Wow, a bit of a mouthful, innit?

Yes. Bejan means hero.

Ah, that's nice. What does Bruce mean?

Uh, Bruce, I think it comes from the old Saxon meaning bush or hedge.


We're all hitting the club if you want to...

Oh, right. Boteco. It's hot shit.

The dance floor, fully programmable LED ester and black glass.

Wow. Semi-sprung? Yes, please.

Mm, it would be like dancing on a glass pillow.

You want to come? Take my number. I don't know.

You don't want to take my number? Not your number.

You don't have to take my number if you don't want it.

I can walk in the other direction. Plenty of other people to speak to.

I'm sure one of them want my number.

I didn't mean that. I'm fucking with you again!

Get a sense of humour, for God's sake! Wait there.

I'm going to give you my direct number, OK?

You call me on this any time between 5:30 and quarter to six.

That's A.M. I'm a morning person.

Thank you.

I tracked down Ron Parfitt. Oh, my God. What's he like?

Exactly the same. Just a horrible, grumpy, old bastard.

(LAUGHS) Holy shit, Bruce. This is huge.

Is this for her?

(MIMICS HER) "Is this for her?" Yes, it's for her.

I'm thinking about asking her to maybe dance with me.

That sounds good, so what happens next?

I'm just going go ask her. Wrong.

No, no, no. You don't go straight in with a big romantic gesture until you've done the groundwork.

She's like a blank wall, Bruce.

Firstly, you have to apply the primer, then the undercoat and then you go in with the emulsion.

What kind of wall? It might not need primer.

I'm serious, Bruce.

You can't go and ask her out until you've done the undercoat.


Fantastic, that's just tremendous. Hey, Bruce.

Hey. Oh, hey, man.

You look nice, but you know what?

I'm already, er, sorted with a phone plan.


Bruce, you need your shoes otherwise you're gonna miss out on this frame.

Good luck. Helen: All right, here we go.

(Drew CLEARS THROAT) Phone shop.

Oh. Oh.

Here comes the dirty thunder.

Oh, the Gaelic Gale.

Huh? I hit seven, I think. Helen: Move over.

Helen: Oh.

Never mind. Pump it up.

Amazing. Ah.

Can I just give you a little bit of constructive feedback?

Yeah, please do. Oh, yeah.

Well, uh, I've noticed a little flaw in your game.

OK, listen, I think I know what you're going to say.

This probably is about me continually rolling the balls into the recess gutters, isn't it?

Yes, it is. Yeah. I think...

I think it's the only weakness in my game, you know?

It is. It is the only weakness, but, uh, it's a pretty Major one.

Yeah, it's a biggy. So let's deal with it.

Here, I'll show you. Come on.

Oh! Sumba, bunga, wunga!

Did you see that?

So you put your fingers in the holes.

No. No, no, no, no. No innuendo, OK?

The first rule of bowling is there's holes and there's balls and we're all adults. We just have to get over it.

Let's bowl. Yup. (CLEARS THROAT)

Hold your ball like a baby.

Throw it like a rocket. Yup.

Hold it like a baby. Throw it like a rocket, yeah?


Hold it like a baby and then I throw it like a rocket.

I hold it like a baby and then I throw it like a rocket.

Hold it like a baby and then I throw it like a rocket.

Sorry. Sorry.

I'm calling social services.

You're calling social services?

Why? Has he been within 100 metres of a school?


You're up, Jules. Oh.

Go on, Julio, if that's your name.

Listen, you just focus on your baby rocket big shot.

Drew: Yeah.

Julia: All right. Let's do this.

Come on, baby ball.

I just need one strike. Drew: Oh, wow.

Have you seen the pants on that guy over there?


Go on. Here we go.

Did you end up keeping the shoes or you gave them back or...?

No, I gave them back. I thought they really suited you.

Ah, do you mind if I just put my seat back?

Oh, there's not much room here. It's just I've got such long legs.

Oh! That's better.

Bruce, we'll drop you off first. All that exercise, you must be exhausted.

Bye, Bruce. See you later, Brucie.

Loving the pad. Let's get this party started.

BEJAN: Bruce!


Bruce! Hey, shut up.

My God, I thought it was number 4 and then I thought it's number 14 and then I thought it was number 40 and then I went to 14 and then I went to 40, but there isn't a 40.

How are you doing? I'm good. Hello.

One more for me. You want a drink?

Do you have any Fanta? I do not.

That's a shame, because I do!

(BEJAN GIGGLES) Ooh. Wow. I'll get glasses.

No, no, no, it's not a wedding. You drink from the bottle.

Erm... thank you. Mm-hmm.

Salamati. Ah, salamati.

Mm. Mm. Urgh, it's flat.

It's not flat. It's still. It's still Fanta.

They don't do still Fanta. They don't do still Fanta.

I have to make my own. You just open the bottle. Put it on the balcony.

Two days later, boom, shake the room, yes please.

Ha. Mm.

Are you ready? Do you want to go? Let's go.

You're going like this?

Yeah. What's the matter with this?

Well... everything.

What are these?

Shirts. Polyester mix?

I'm thinking 50% polyester, 20% Crimplene, 5% wool, yes?

Sure. It's bullshit.

Silk, smart, casual, breathable.

Yes, please.

Cotton, soaks up sweat like a sponge.

Vest up, my friend.

Linen, flyweight for quicker movements, show off those turns.

Synthetic, less friction means fewer blisters.

Unless you like blister. Do you like blister? Who likes blister?

Pilgrims. Exactly.


Who's that? Can you hold that a second?

What's going on? Not taking my calls?

Just busy. I've been busy at work. Three words. The Velvet Pussycat.

What, now? Yeah, come on. Get changed.

It's a Tuesday night. Yeah, exactly.

Bruce, do you have any idea how hard I've worked to get Amanda to take up a hobby. Mm.

I've been masterminding Project Pilates for six months.

Why do you think that is?

Two whole hours of freedom, 8:30 to 10:30, once a week.

What do you think I'm going to do with that time, sit indoors wanking?

I can do that when she's at home.

I'm just... I'm bushed, you know?

I'm just going to have a bath and hit the hay.

A bath?

Oh, that's nice. Will it have nice little bubbles in it?

BEJAN: Who are you talking to? Eh? Who's this?

Hi. My name is Bejan. Pleased to meet you.

Bruce: It's a mate from work. Mate? Oh, my God. I'm honoured.

All right. It's a big, big moment for me.

(LAUGHS) Well, I'll leave you to your bath.

We weren't having a group. We weren't going to do group.

He was going to go and I was going to have a bath. Please don't. Don't.

Don't worry. It's fine. I'll er... I'll go by myself.

I'll give you a call later, yeah? Yeah.

Bye, Gary!

He's cute.

Two more things, your hairy chest and a tan.

No, no, no. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

No, no. Bruce, what year is this?

Did we just go back in time? Did we step out of the De Lorean?

Are we in 1985? Is this Hill Valley?

Think McFly! Think!

Ow. Sorry, I just wanted to...

So take this... and take this. Fine.

You've got ten minutes.

Run for it, Marty!

Ah. Oh.

Wow. It's so deep.

So natural.


How do you feel?

Thank you.

And on the 7th day, the Almighty turned to his followers and said...


What does that mean? Let's salsa.


Oh. He's grinding her batty. Yeah, he is.



Oh, look. Look.

♪ (MODERN SLOW SALSA) ♪ That looks fun. Oh my God. They make me feel sick.

Salsa aerobics?

It's not a salsa. It is a cancer.

Go back to the leisure centre, you bitches!

If I had a grenade right now... Shut up.

I was just saying... A Middle Eastern man talking about a grenade in a packed night club.

You'll start a bloody stampede. I'm saying if I had a grenade.

Of course I don't have a grenade. Shush. (NERVOUS CHUCKLE)

Another Fanta. Let's have another Fanta.

Hi, guys. BOTH: Hey!

So who's dancing? Oh, yes, please.

Bruce. No, I'm going to sit this one out.

I don't think so. Come on. Oh, please.

Hi, Ron. Hey, are you all right?


Off. Off. Off.


Get off this fucking dance floor with your shitty dancing.

I was doing the steps. Doing the steps?

Any prick can do the steps. That prick can do the steps.

Where's the fucking heart? Where's El corazón?

I don't know. What's that?

I don't know. You don't know.

Well, in that case, why don't you piss off back to the bar, grab yourself a pint of bitter and watch like all the fucking losers?


Scrub it off of me.

This filthy tan.


Big news, ball bag. What?

Shift. When you were at home last night making love to your hand, guess who went disco dancing with the sexually-frustrated lady boss.

Who? Me. I did.

Yeah, got that. Oh, my God. She can move.

And the sweat dripping off of her, it was like a waterfall of babies' tears.

Mm, poetic.

Ah, I think we all know where this is headed.

Inside of her.

You know what I mean? (SOFTLY) Yeah.

Why are you telling me all this? Don't be a virgin.

I know you made a play for her. No, I didn't.

A mix tape? Are you fucking John Cusack now?

You took it. (LAUGHS)

I didn't want you to be embarrassed. She'd laugh in your face.

I made it for her car.

Just give me it, will you? Your big arms are too slow.

Julia: Hey, guys. Hey, Jules.

How's it going? Really good. Really good.

Last night was fun, right?

So much fun. Yeah, it was good.

Helen was obviously trying to hustle us all, but...

(LAUGHS) Yeah, it was a good night.

(MOUTHS) How are your little footsies?

You know what? Pretty sore. I'll bet they are.

We, uh, stopped off at a club on the way home.

That's right.

I'm going to go. I've got things to do.

See you later, Brucie. Bye, Bruce.

Drew! Ow!

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit. Oh.

Are you all right? Yeah, just having a manicure.

This came. Will you sign for it? Sure.

Can you... Sorry.


Thank you. Cheers. Thanks.

Can I, um...

(MUTTERS) Oh, this is bad.


That was so fun. Yeah.

We should do it again. Yeah, maybe.

What's erm... What's with the tape?

Oh, shoot.

You caught me. Er, it's for your car.

Oh, my God. You made an inlay.

(CHUCKLES) Yes, I did.

Nobody makes inlays anymore.

Yeah, it's just a silly, little touch I thought you'd like.

That's really... That's really nice.

Now I feel like I have to get you something.

That would be so cute.

That's really nice. Thank you.


How was your bubble bath? Ha-ha!

Was it rejuvenating? That's classic, Gary, classic.

(LAUGHS) Listen, I love the craic.

One might say I'm addicted to the craic, but right now I just want to get my head down and plough my way through this bucket of balls, all right?


I think we've got a new heading for our weekly roundup.

Unexplained homoerotic encounters with rugged foreign males. Mickey?

Nil. Me, nil. Brucie?

Ah, fuck the weekly roundup.

Fuck it.

Oh, dear. What's wrong with her?

Come on, Bruce. Who was he?

What are you hiding from us? Nothing.


Did the sexy sultan's rich bath milk irritate your sensitive skin?

Fuck off. Oh!

Hey, are you all right, Gary? Gary?

I'm sorry. Are you OK? Yeah, fine mate.

Yeah, forget about it. Hey, hey, hey. Don't go.

Yeah, this is the one, the trusty arsehole wedge.

Hey, hey. Don't... Gary, don't...

Stop it. Stop. Oh! Gary! Oh! Gary, don't!

You keep running! Gary!

Right. Help me!

Par three!

Argh! Or should I say par arsehole!

I didn't mean to hit you, Gary! Please!

Keep running!


Oh! Oi!

Stop it! Ah!

Argh! Oi!

I dance! Gary: Fore!

I dance, all right?

Bruce: Please stop hitting balls at me.

Mickey: Wee!


With the little shoes? Yes.

Yes, salsa with the little shoes.


I was doing it for that girl.

What girl? The... the butterfly.

The eponymous butterfly from the "Tale of the Butterfly and the Parsnip".

The parsnip, the butterfly. Oh.

What, you thought the parsnip would win the butterfly by doing a bit of tiny shoe shuffle?

Yes. I know. It's stupid, isn't it?

And then there's Drew. Do you remember Drew?

Oh, yes, that horse's arse.

Yeah. Well, he likes her, too.

He might be a horse's arse, but he's better at all this than I am so...

I might just let him get on with it.

Yeah, mate, just... It's probably for the best.

Just... just forget about her, eh?


Ron: He's back.

Jesus Christ, Ron. You fuckin' made me jump.

Who is she, Bruce?


The girl in the club the other night, she's the one, hm?

It doesn't matter. No, of course, it doesn't matter.

That's why you've got a face like a dropped scone.

It's just stupid. I wanted to make her fall in love with me.

Mm... and then along comes this other fella... tall, better looking...

Let's face it. His dick couldn't be any smaller.

That's why you came back. La doña, the woman.

It's salsa, Ron.

It's always about a woman. Mm-hmm.

I just wanted you to make me good enough for her.

Why don't you just keep standing in front of that mirror and do what you did in the club the other night?

Do me a favour and do that. What?

Oh, come on. You know what you did. You felt it.

You want me to do it now? Come on. It's just us girls, Brucie.

I don't want to.

Oh, he bottles it. Bottles?

What a surprise.

Where are you going? Come on. We got work to do.

What kind of work?

We're going to get shit-faced and play board games.

Eye piece for one eye? Monocle.


Sorry, why are we doing this again?

Sits on top of a Christmas tree? A fairy.

No, a star.

That's time. Oh, all right.

That's for you. Go.

OK, they ate this much to God's annoyance in the Garden of Eden.

Apple. Apple is correct.

Oh, OK, he... Um, he's a-an actor.

He does films. It's a purple one.

Yeah and? You have to do an impression.

(CHUCKLES) I'm not doing an impression.

Well, you have to. No.

Do the impression, Bruce. No, I can't.

Just do the impression. No, I'm not doing an impression.

What are you so scared of, eh? I'm not.

Just do the impression, then. No, I'm not doing...

Why are you so afraid of what people might think?

Why can't you put yourself out there?

I mean... So do the impression.

It's almost time. Do the impression.

That's it. Time. Do the fucking impression!

Why are you always shouting at me? Because you fucking quit on me.

I did not quit. You had the world at your feet.

I did not quit. And you walked away, didn't you?

No, I didn't. Oh, yes, you did.

You keep swanning back in here and swanning out again.

Swanning back in... They broke me. All right?

If you want to know, the night of the competition, they broke me.

A gang of kids, bullies, they just... they broke it out of me.

I didn't want to do it anymore! Some big boys gave you a shoeing.

You're a male dancer. Do you think I never took any shit?

So what are you going to do about it, eh?

Are you going to hide away, or maybe crawl under your duvet and watch "Bridget Jones Part Two" with some white Maltesers?

(SOFTLY) Don't.

Then what?

Then what? I don't know!

So do the fucking impression!

Say hello to my little friend. Again.

Say hello to my little... Again!

Say hello to my... Again!

(CUBAN ACCENT) Say hello to my little friend!

Al Pa-fucking-cino. Yes!

So... shall we go and dance in front of the mirror?


Yes. That is time.

Get the shoulders. Loosen up.

That's it. Loosen up. Roll those shoulders. Roll them.

Roll them. Roll them. (GROANS)

Arms of an eagle.

I said an eagle, not a fucking heron.

It is an eagle.

OK, try again. Legs of a stallion.

Arms of an eagle.



That's it. Work it out, Brucie.

Go on, Garrett.

Takes a lot of hard work to make it look that easy.

Mm. All right.

Think about it all the time.

Now, I know you're all waiting for this particular model, but as we say, better lathe than never.

Julia: All right, so...

One, two, three, four...

What is that? What?

That's chicken stuff. It's reggaeton.




Three, two, one and down. Ow!

You all right? Ow.

I'm so sorry. Someone's coming.

Whoa, whoa! Room for a small one?

I have a question for you.

Well, I love questions.

So you like Latin music, huh?

The mix tape. Oh, right, the mix, yes.

(LATINO ACCENT) Oh, I am a Latino boy big time, I am, music wise.

Thanks for listening to that. It was a real labour of love for me.

That track at the end of side one, oh...

Oh, shoot, that's the... That's my favourite track.

Isn't it just so er... tracky? It's so...

And, er, it's the best song that you could put at the end of side one on a mix tape, like that. Yeah, yeah.

You know what's weird is whenever I listen to that track, I like to imagine myself just lying in front of a log fire, just with a glass of... Tequila, just chewing on a Chimichanga, you know?

(LIFT BLEEPS) Oh, hey.

That pitch that you and Bruce did, you guys aced it, bam, sold.

Shut the front door. You're kidding.

Stop that train. No, I'm not.

I'm not. (LAUGHS)

We should get together and celebrate.

Yes, we should. My place.

Yes. Take-out.

Yes. Invite Bruce and Helen.


We should absolutely do that.

Cool, so you'll tell them. Yeah.

Great. Of course. I'll totes tell them.

You can totally trust me to do that.

That's not a problem. (HUMS)

Hey. What are you hiding? Nothing.

What are you hiding? Behold.

Santa Vito.

What? It's just another salsa night. So what?

So what? Look at it squashy chops.

It's a competition. Sorry.

Don't you see? This is your time, Bruce.

This is the Goonie time.

Do you know about the Goonie time?

Of course I know about the Goonie time. My watch runs on Goonie time.

So then you know that it's their time up there, but it's our time down here.

You can do this, Bruce. You can win this mother-funky and you can show the world what you're really made of.

Think about it. What have we go to lose?

Yeah, I mean, I suppose I could.

Bruce, we Persians have a saying.


I... I don't really speak Farsi. If you want to do something do it.

If you don't want to do it, don't do it.


I'm going to be late for my ball wax. I'll call you later.

Yeah, sure. OK, bye.

Bruce: I can still see you there.

BAJEN: See you. See you later.

Hello. One, two, three, four, five. Yes.

You win. Finally. Finally.

Now, you know what you get for first prize, you lucky prick.

I dread to think. You get one of these.

And there it is. And...

two of these.

I just thought you might want an old pair of shitty shoes from the '80s.

One careful owner.

Thanks, Ron.

You're not going to try and finger me now, are you?

You want me to try and finger you? You're ready.

You... are free.

I'm going to ask her to this thing tomorrow night and I would be honoured if you would come and watch us.

Ah, I'll have to check my diary.

Thank you.

Look at them.

They're so soft. Mm.


Don't... Don't do that.


(SOFTLY) Come on.

She's not at work today.

Sam: 'Fine, so do it tomorrow.'

No, I can't. It is tonight, all right? I have to do it tonight.

In that case, you are a tiny bit fucked.

Sam, please, I really need you to just help me.

OK, do exactly as I say and do not deviate.

You go home, you shower, you shave, you put on something nice.

I'm thinking powder blue, shirt not trousers.

Do not put on powder blue trousers.

Then you get a taxi to her house. Someone will know where she lives.

You knock on her door. You knock her off her feet with your confident suggestion of a night out.

She immediately says yes, then you whisk her off to the club.

You dance the competition. You win the competition.

We all get shit-faced, then we all go home, got it?

(CHUCKLES) Thanks, Sam.

Oh, God, I'm good.


God, it's so busy in here. I think I'll use this one.

All right, ball bag. Stupid.

Just finishing off a little text to Julie-Jules.

I told you that she gave me her mobile number, right?

Yeah, a few times.

Ooh, by the way, thanks for that mixed tape.

That was a hit.

You gave it to her? Oh, yeah, she bloody loved it.

Thought it was very sweet.

I think I'm going to put it on when we seal the deal for the first time.

You know, a bit of sex-muzak, set the mood.

Don't be jealous, big lad.

I'm sure she'll still have room in her life for a fat best friend.

You don't know about me.

What don't I know?

I dance.

I'm sorry, I thought you said that "I dance".

Yeah, I did. I dance salsa.

(CHUCKLES) You dance salsa? Yeah, salsa.


I would fucking love to see that.

Maybe you will. Maybe I'll dance you under the table.

What sort of table?

Any sort of table.


All right, bum flap, let's settle this like men.

Winner takes Julia.

What about HR?

What happens at lunch stays at lunch.


Your wrists are limp.

Ooh! Your dick is limp.


Oh, sorry.

You learn fast. I learn from the best. Julia.

Sweet, sweet, rest-your- balls-on-my-chin, Julia.

Smell that. No.

Did you just lick my pussy?

(WEST Indian ACCENT) Yeah and you tasted like a nasty girl.

That's disgusting.


I'm wearing the wrong shoes for this shit.

What the fu... Bruce: Coo-ee!

Bruce: Where are you?

I thought you liked banter.

(WHISPERS) Oh, fuck off, Bruce. Fuck off.


Ooh. What the... Big mistake.

That's Jessie the lezzie from accounts' car.

Quick step for such meaty thighs.

Ooh, ooh, do you like that? (GRUNTS)

Wait, no, don't lead me! Like a lady.

This is wrong. You know it is. Like a lady.

I'm a man. I'm a fully-grown man. Then prove it.


What is that?

That's my phone. No, no.



Ooh! Oh, me blades!




Like I said, any sort of table.

(GROANS) Fine, you win.

I can't do this every fucking lunch.

Doesn't mean that she's going to pick you, Bruce.

She wouldn't pick you over me. That's just bad maths.

She's a clever girl. Probably right.

You're quite good-looking. You've got lovely, long legs.

Yeah. Nice car.

Great car. But there is something missing.

I have got something that you don't have. Do you know what that is?

Type 2 diabetes.



You know, I am Bruce Garret and I am fucking salsa.

Get up, bum flap.

How can you take something so seriously that's named after a dip?



Oh, nice shirt. Thank you.

Come in. No, wait, wait. Please.


I dance. I dance salsa and there is this club called Santo Vito...

Bruce. No, please I can hardly breathe. I'm so nervous. I'm hyperventilating.

I feel like I can see flies.

I don't... Let me cut to the chase.

If you're not doing anything tonight, I would love to take...

Of course. Bruce?

What's wrong, Bruce? Of course, this is...

Julia: Bruce... I'm sorry.

What do you mean? No, Bruce, what? Wait. Bruce.

Come back. Bruce? Where are you go... Oh.

Oh, my... Oh, my God. What are you doing?

Come on. You know.

I know? What do I know?

Let's say we skip dinner and go straight to pudding.


Are you kidding?

Yeah. Yeah, totally kidding.

Just focus on putting your pants back on.

OK, I'm not kidding. Here's the thing. This is where I'm at.

I just want to be honest with you because I think you deserve that.

I'm just going to say this.

I'm just going to blurt it out before I lose my nerve.

Oh, my God. Julia Matthews of America...

I would be honoured if you would let me fuck you.

Really? I just want to...

I just want to... I just want to do it.


Oh, my God.

Just get up and just get out, please.

What? Just get out.

Wait. Is this banter?

I can't believe that you just dropped trou and propositioned your boss.

Did you really just do that? It was an act of boldness.

Wait, did you not tell Bruce about tonight, or Helen?

Did I tell Bruce and Helen? Was this all part of your plan?

I can't... I might have. I don't think I mentioned it.

All right, this conversation is definitely over.

Just please take your little Italian shoes and your pudding and just get out.

Can I just say I think that you are making a big mistake?

I'm going to have you transferred to plastic mouldings on Monday.

Oh, that's bullshit! That's just a bad managerial...

You know what? FYI I didn't make that shitty mix tape.


(KNOCKING) I'm sorry, Julia.

I said some things, which may now seem foolish.

OK, I'm... I'm going to be honest. My granny died.

I swear to God, Drew, if you're still there in 15 seconds, I'm going to take your pudding and shove it right up your ass.



Welcome tonight to the Santa Vito salsa espectáculo. Let's go!




MC: We're about an hour away from the main competition event.

BEJAN: You like it?

Not really my thing.

BEJAN: How do you know you don't like it unless you try it?

A lot of things I haven't tried, mate.

I haven't tried incest, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't like it.

Incest and salsa are two very different things, trust me.

Bruce, call me when you get this. I want to know you're all right.

♪ (UPBEAT SALSA) ♪ He's not picking up. He's probably crying somewhere.

Somewhere quiet and dry. That's what I would be doing.

I think I know where he is.


Can I borrow a racket? Help yourself.


So how did it go?

I'm wearing a silk shirt studded with jet-black rhinestones driving balls out into the darkness.

How do you think it went?

So now what? Are you going to stop dancing?

I was only doing it for her. Were you?

So, what, are you going to give it all up again, the only thing you're good at?

Literally the only thing you've ever been good at that wasn't shit and totally pointless.

Oh, OK, fine. Here we go.

Just off the top of my head, quizzes, carving Sunday roasts, the Rubik's Cube, the Rubik's Sphere.

The Rubik's Snake, flags of the world, driving abroad, famous dams, identifying dogs by their silhouettes, you know?

African money. I could go on. You're wasting your life.

What do you know? You are 35 years old.

And you are working as a hula girl. Oh, sorry, no, hula woman. Oh!

Fuck off, Bruce. You fuck off.

Good shot. Thanks.

You need to dance, Bruce.

You were lost. This is your chance to get back.

I don't have a partner. Yeah, you do.

You? I've still got it.

That's pretty good. Mm-hmm.

Remember the old routine?

Don't. Don't do that. Don't you bloody dare.

Don't evoke it.

Thunder, Thunder, Thunder, ThunderCats! Ho!


MC: 'Yes, please, give it up for Gaz and Kate.'


Salt and pepper, here comes the hot stepper.

All right? All right, Gal? Oi, oi.

Hey, Helen, thanks for coming. Fuck me, you look great.

(CHUCKLES) Where's Ron? He was busy. I'm sorry.

BEJAN: Bruce, forget Ron.

You look so good you could be fucking Bee Gee.

MC: 'Oye, look at this. Me la rebanco.

'Don't ruffle her feathers.'


You have to go.

'Just what I'm talking about. Let's go through to the next round.

Celebremos. Celebremos. Celebremos.

'Can we please have the couples to the dance floor for heat four?'


Are you ready? No.

Me neither. Come on. Let's go.

I'm sorry.




Happy? Yeah.

Big smile, tits and teeth out.

'Let's go!'


(MC LAUGHS) 'That's what I'm talking about!'

Holy shit. Wow.

Yes, holy shit.

MC: 'Look at this. The feet of fury.'

Hey, adios, my friends.



I'm sorry. You have to go.

Time to go.

MC: 'Catch her. Have a ball. In blue, azul.

'We have our semi-finalists here.'

(CHEERING) MC: 'Amazing!

MC: 'Inspirational!'

OK, I want it back. What?

Come on. Where is it? Where's what?

What have you done with it? Where have you hidden it?

Is it in this pocket? Don't.

It's in this pocket. Don't muck about.

What have you done with it? What?

You took my breath away in there and I want it back.

Ha-ha! Very funny.

Bruce, when I first met you, you were like a sangeh ghohi.

Mm, sangeh ghohi.

What does it mean, sangeh ghohi?

It's like a large round stone with some shit on it.

But now... you have become of the age.

You are a man, Bruce.


Yeah, I suppose I am.

And now you have stolen my heart as well as my breath.

Where do you keep hiding these things?

I should get back out there. Yes. Yes, you should.

You go, Bruce. Go and kill them all, man, woman and child.

I'm not going to kill a child. (CHUCKLES)

OK. Go!


Do you have a Tic Tac?

MC: 'Musica, maestro! What about these guys?

'What about these guys?



Oh, no, no, no. Get off.

I'll'm sorry, friends.' Let's go.

'Hey, you dig it!

'And here is fanning the flames of salsa.'

Ow! Let's go!

Let's go!


Yes! Come on, Bruce!

MC: 'Double pleasure.

'Wow, that's unexpected.'

You're in my yard now.

MC: 'We have our finalists! We have our finalists.'

Oh, love you, Bruce.



MC: 'Let's hear it. Come on.' That's my best mate.

MC: 'Wow.'

Gary, whisky, large. You can win this, Bruce.

I haven't got much more left. (MUMBLES)

Drink it. Drink it. No, I don't want it.

Eye of the tiger, Bruce. Eye of the tiger!

'Ladies and gentlemen, the floor is yours.'



Yeah, I thought I'd make an effort.

Me and Drew wasn't anything.

That's not anything.


I just wanted to say thank you for the mix tape.

It's no big deal, although the inlay, that took ages.

Great inlay. Excellent penmanship.

Thank you. Really.

Yeah, I used a very fine nib

0.4 mil, it's tiny. It's probably the width of a human hair.

So I didn't have you down as a salsa guy. No of fence.

Right, yes.

I was a dancer when I was a kid and I loved it and then this shit thing happened to me and everything changed... until I met you and you inspired me, so I learnt to dance again.

I re-learnt all the old steps.

I tracked down my old teacher, Ron Parfitt who's just...

He's a horrible, horrible human being.

I shaved my chest. I went to some amazing clubs.

I met some amazing people and now... finally I feel like me again, which is what I always wanted.

You know? To... feel like myself.

You shaved your chest? Yeah, I shaved my chest, and...

(CLEARS THROAT)... it's very itchy, all the time.

MC: 'OK, kill the musica, please, maestro.

'Ladies and gentlemen, let's go, the Santo Vito final!'


I was wondering perhaps you would...

Yes, I'll dance with you.


Hi. Hi.

Do you want me to lead? No, no, I'll be all right.

I was actually doing quite well until you turned up.

Probably be disqualified.


'Yes, friends. Oye, mi amigo.

'This is the final, friends.

'Let them feel you. Let them feel you.'




♪ (MUSIC ENDS) ♪ MC: 'Santa Vito, our winners!'

I don't think we won. Maybe next time.

Sam: Fab. That was amazing.


Hi, I'm Sam. Hi, Sam.

(Ron CLEARS THROAT) Scusi señor Garrett.

Permission to come on to your dance floor.

Granted, Mr. Parfitt.


MC: I'll don't know about you, but it's time for some love.

'So demonstrate. Come on. Let's go.'


Hey, good work.

Well done.