Daddy Day Care (2003) Script

♪ Ow! ♪

♪ hmm, yeah ♪

♪ I used to think maybe you love me ♪

♪ now, baby, I'm sure ♪

♪ and I just can't wait till the day ♪

♪ when you knock on my door ♪

♪ now every time I go for the mailbox ♪

♪ gotta hold myself down ♪

♪ 'cause I just can't wait till you write me ♪

♪ All right now ♪

♪ and don't it feel good ♪

♪ hey ♪

♪ yeah ♪

♪ I used to think maybe you love me ♪

♪ now I know that it's true ♪

♪ I don't want to spend my whole life ♪

♪ just a-waitin' for you ♪

♪ now I don't want you back for the weekend ♪

♪ not back for a day ♪

♪ Na, no, no ♪

♪ I said, baby, I just want you back ♪

♪ and I want you to stay ♪

♪ oh, yeah, I'm walkin' on sunshine ♪

♪ whoa-oh ♪

♪ I'm walkin' on sunshine ♪

♪ whoa-oh ♪

♪ I'm walkin' on sunshine ♪

♪ whoa-oh ♪%

Good morning, daddy.

Hey, hey. Ben, how you doing, man?

Oh!

Oh, God.

Oh! Daddy's got to get ready for work.

Can't you stay home?

No. I got a big day at work today. Real big day.

Kim.

Where's my cell phone?

It's with my crayons.

It's not supposed to be with the crayons.

There you go, sweetie.

OK, now, where's my beeper? Has anybody seen my beeper?

Oh, here it is.

Right by the grape juice. I wonder how it got there.

Are those my note cards that I've been working all night on?

I've been up all night and now they're... now they're all sticky.

Sorry, baby.

Yeah.

Yeah..

Yeah, I'll see you later.

Oh, oh, don't forget about the orientation today.

The what?

Chapman academy? The preschool?

Oh, OK. Yeah, yeah, right. OK.

Is there any way we could reschedule that?

Oh, you know, maybe we shouldn't reschedule that.

Maybe we should take care of business and be responsible parents.

Don't worry.

Don't be late.

I will not be late.

Promise?

I won't be late.

OK, see you later.

Hey, did he promise?

He sure did.

Hey, what's going on?

Your worst nightmare.

What?

Mr. broccoli's a no-show.

He got a call-back on a potato chip commercial.

These snack foods are killin' us!

Yeah, I know.

Marvin!

Yeah?

Marvin.

The guy who smells the mail?

Look, we need a guy to wear a broccoli suit, not a normal person.

Marvin, my man!

My friend, Marvin. Hey, man, what's goin' on today? Listen, I need a little favor.

We're having a little focus group in here, and the guy who's supposed to wear broccoli suit, left.

I was wondering if you'd put the suit on and cover for us?

No.

Oh, I can't do the broccoli because it's just not me. Sorry.

Hey, can I be the carrot, though?

Yeah, yeah, you could be the carrot.

Let him try no. R carrot on.

Yeah, you can be the broccoli.

No, I don't want to be a bush.

It's not a bush, it's a stalk of broccoli. It's a strong stalk of broccoli.

Yeah, I'm pretty strong.

Yeah, you can make that work.

Go in here and go and switch this suit on, and get the broccoli.

Trust me on this. OK, let's go.

♪ B-r-o-c-c-o-l-i! ♪

♪ I am the broccoli and don't know why! ♪

♪ C-a-r-r-o and a "t"! ♪

♪ Carrots are healthy for you and me! ♪

♪ Oh-oh-oh! ♪

♪ Oh-oh ♪

♪ You want to do the dance? Go, broccoli, it's your birthday! ♪

♪ Go, broccoli, it's your birthday! ♪

♪ Go, carrot, go, carrot, go! ♪% no, I don't want to.

Hello, boys and girls!

Zowie! Do we have a special treat for you today!

"Hey! We have a brand-new cereal!

You're the first kid..."

Help!

Ugh!

It's super yummy. And loaded...

Phil, help me, ahhh!

With all sorts of stuff that's good for you.

And do you know what we call it?

Veggie-o's!

This cereal sucks!

They're turning on us.

Give it a chance. Let it get in their mouth. They got to taste it.

No, no.

Take that!

Help me, Charlie!

Not in the face! Save yourself, carrot!

Call security now. Oh, sh... hey, oh, hey, stop that!

I guess we better go in, pooch.

Your daddy will come a little later.

Come here, let me see you.

Hey!

I am so sorry, baby. I am sorry.

Things got crazy at work. Hey, what's going on, man?

Look at this place. This is Princeton for preschoolers.

Let's just hurry up, so we won't be late for the orientation.

Hey, what's the orientation about?

It's a preschool, they're gonna be playing with blocks, right?

Yeah.

Unbelievable.

Language skills are a critical component here at Chapman.

They're part of our core curriculum.

You must be Charles.

Oh, please call me Charlie. Nice to meet you.

How do you do?

Hi! She's my wife, Kim.

Kimberly. I'm miss harridan, the headmistress.

And this is Ben.

Well, how do you do, Benjamin?

Oh, come on, little man.

It's a pleasure to meet you.

Shall we begin?

Look at their little outfits. I like that.

They're cute.

We find uniforms reinforce the sense of structure.

Oh, yes, structure's good.

Our philosophy is that a child is like a climbing vine.

With structure to cling to, and the right gardener to tend them, they'll grow to the sky.

Sorry.

So, Mrs. Hinton, you're returning to work?

Lawyer, I believe your file said.

Uh, yeah, actually, I haven't practiced yet.

We just had Ben when I finished law school.

Still a little nervous about leaving him.

Oh, all mothers are. But you needn't worry.

Our little seedlings are in very good hands.

Turn the darn phone off.

It's off, it's off.

And attack!

Now mark your books, number 5.

Cat is to mouse as frog is to...

Are they doing S.A.T. Prep?

It's never too early to start.

Nest.

That's right. Nest.

I thought you turned your cell phone off.

It's not my cell phone, it's my 2-way.

Oh, no. This is bad.

Go ahead.

OK. Thank you, baby.

Um, I am terribly sorry. I have an emergency at work, and I gotta get going.

I understand.

I'm sorry.

Hey, little man.

Daddy's got to get going, but I'm gonna see you later on, OK?

You want to do the rocket ship?

Yeah, come, let's do the rocket ship.

Sorry about all the noise.

Here you go. Go to mommy.

I'll see you later. Thank you for your time.

I'm so sorry. He's trying out a new product at work.

Hmm, well, no need to apologize.

Diligence always sets a fine example.

Oh, Jenny. Just in time.

Here's a copy of our curriculum and a list of your financial obligations.

This is the price per year?

Per month.

You know, Ben is starting preschool today.

Oh, yeah, where at?

Over at that Chapman academy.

Ah, the marine corps of day care.

Max goes there.

Really? What do you think of that place?

It's not like you got much choice. You got harridan and her merry fembots, you got idiot Von idiot and their school for children who like accidents.

Fellows, fellows, numbers just came in for chocolatey chocolate balls.

Through the roof!

That's a big surprise. You hear that, Phil? Kids like chocolate.

Ice cream, too.

OK, sorry, I forgot I was talking to the granola-heads from the natural food division.

Now, what was the stinker you guys got saddled with?

It's not a stinker. It's called veggie-o's, and it's the cereal of the future.

Right, veggie-blows. I thought they were killing that.

Jerry! Yo, Jerry!

Catch the numbers on the chocolatey chocolate balls?

Through the roof, baby!

What does he mean, "killing that"?

Why you listening to Bruce? Nothing's being killed.

You know this guy's a clown.

If something was going down, we would know about it.

We're killin' it.

Hey, come on, Jim. We had one bad test. And it's a hard nut to crack.

Any fool can sell chocolatey chocolate balls and cotton candy-flavored cereal to kids, man.

Cotton candy. That's... that's not bad.

Hey, guys, look. I'm sorry, but it was a dog.

Kids just don't want to eat vegetables for breakfast. Who knew?

It's exactly what I told you 6 months ago when you put us on this project.

You did?

Well, it's not just veggie-o's.

We... we're shutting down the whole health division.

That's like 300 people.

Yes, it's just not a business we want to be in.

So, where are we being reassigned?

So, pooch, how was your first day at school?

OK.

Just OK?

I don't know anybody there.

Oh, well, give it some time. You'll make some friends.

How about you, baby? How was your day?

I lost my j-o-b.

You lost your j-o-b?

I got f-I-r-e-d.

Me and 300 other people.

They cannot do that!

What about Jim fields? Can't he do somethin'?

Jim fields is the one that pulled the trigger.

Now he's not gonna be inclined to do anything, 'cause when I found out it was him, I told him to take a flying f...

Charlie!

H-I-j-k-l-m-n-o-p.

Don't worry about this.

I'm a guy in demand, and I'll have a new job in a week.

A week.

Hey, what if we use the emergency fund?

We can't. We already used it on the car payment.

OK.

There's no way around it.

We gotta pull Ben out of Chapman, it's just too much money. Look.

Then what are we gonna do for child-care?

Are you gonna stay home with him?

No, I'm not gonna stay home with him.

Look, we just gotta find something more affordable, that's all.

This is the right address.

You gotta be kidding me.

Hey, we can at least check it out, you know.

Ben is not goin' here.

Looks can be deceiving. Let me just go take a look.

Looks can be deceiving? We're in a trailer park!

Yes?

I might have made a mistake, I'm looking for the preschool.

Oh-ho, yes, it is.

Welcome to the...

Sorry.

Welcome to the touch of Eden preschool.

Can I help you?

Oh, uh, no, thank you.

Is this the right address, here?

I think so.

Hi!

Hello.

We keep the children right around here.

Go ahead. After you, ma'am.

OK.

Where'd you get this address of this place?

No, you picked this place.

We should report this to somebody.

All right, that's what I'm talking about.

See, I knew there had to be at least one decent place in town.

Yeah. It looks all right.

This is the police. We have you surrounded.

Oh shit! Go!

All right, Charlie. Give up the keys.

I don't know where the keys are.

D-don't even try it.

I don't know where the keys to the Benz are.

Why don't you drive the minivan?

No. We already talked about this last night.

You're staying home with Ben. I'm driving the Mercedes.

You're gonna have me driving around town in the dumb minivan all day.

Is the top down?

Hey, you know what, Kim?

Just be careful. Don't just park it anyplace.

And... and be careful getting in and out of the car.

Don't get any dings in the door, you know.

And make sure... come here.

Make sure you put the good gas in there.

'Cause if you put in the cheap stuff, it's gonna make the engine start knocking, and I don't want that.

And you don't leave milk inside the car with the windows rolled up.

Always buckle up the car seat.

Don't park in the sun or the seats will get too hot.

Oh, and no juice unless it's in a sippy cup.

Bye, baby.

Hey, can you give a call, let us know what time you'll be back?

Because we'll be here waiting, just the two of us.

Bye, mommy.

Not too fast!

See you later.

When's mommy coming back?

She'll be back around dinnertime, mommy.

Is dinnertime soon?

No, but don't you worry. We're going to have a lot of fun.

But we need mommy to have fun.

Wow.

What are you trying, just break me down in the driveway?

Why you want to break your father down like that?

I'm sorry.

That's better.

'Cause you broke me down smooth just now. My eyes welled up...

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

OK, you made my eyes OK. I up.

Look at my eyes.

I see your eye twitching.

We're going to have fun!

Yes!

Do you know how to change a diaper?

Yeah, but... wait, I thought Max was potty-trained.

Believe me, so did I.

Don't do that to me! What are you...

He's throwing things at me, and it smells.

I really need your help!

Are you potty-trained?

Yes.

You got to go stinky?

Yes.

Then, go on. Go stinky, then.

You have a nauseous ache in the pit of your stomach that you're a worthless failure?

We are worthless failures.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Peggy. Good. You doing?

What's going on, Nicky?

Yeah, he can be a little hard to understand sometimes.

Yeah honey, go play. Have a good time, have fun.

And listen, stay away from that cat poop, OK?

Hija? What is that? What'd he just say?

Oh, my God, I haven't a clue.

The doctor says it's just a phase he's going through, but...

Well, it kept him out of Chapman.

Jerks.

Max! Max! Put that mouse down!

Give it to me!

Oh, what are you...

You know something, Charlie, I think it's great, you guys being full-time dads.

Yeah. Yeah, we're real giants among men.

Seriously. You are. You should be proud of yourself.

Most guys I know, don't even know who their kids are.

So Joe still hasn't found anything?

No, and he's driving me crazy.

I should go back to work, but what am I going to do with Nicky?

Dead mouse. Dead mouse.

There's no good alternative to that Chapman joint.

Dead mouse, dead mouse, dead mouse.

I tell you somethin', if someone opened a decent day care program around here, they'd make a killing.

Nicky, what did I say about the cat poop?


What?

A day care center? You and me?

Yes, Phil, this is a completely under-served market.

Harridan has a monopoly on this whole suburb.

All we have to do is just come in, and establish ourselves as the value alternative, and we'll clean up!

You think I'd be good at taking care of kids?

Absolutely.

Excuse me? Are these your kids?

No.

Remember when you broke my yo-yo?

I did not break your yo-yo.

Yes, you did.

I did not break your yo-yo. Your yo-yo was broke.

You're killin' me. You're really killin' me.

Hey! I'm home!

Ooh!

You said let's do this together.

No, daddy!

And now you're saying what's going on here?

A day care center. In our house?

Yes, Phil's apartment's too small.

It's only a 2-bedroom place.

Charlie, this is crazy on like 10 different levels.

What do you and Phil know about running a day care?

This is not rocket science. We applied for a license the other day.

It couldn't be any more simple.

Daddy.

OK, what you want? The rocket ship?

OK, that's what you wanted, right?

Milk.

Oh, you wanted milk? I'm sorry. He wanted milk.

Yeah, 'cause rocket man needs milk when he's flying around.

It's for strong bones, in case you crash, right?

We understand each other. What you think about this?

I think we're talking about other people's children, here.

Do you know what type of responsibility that is?

I'll be just as careful with them as I am with Ben.

Oh, hey, man, don't be running your head into stuff.

Watch where you're walking. What's the matter with you?

What are you gonna do when you get a real job?

You're just gonna leave the parents hanging?

Hey, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

Look, this is not gonna be permanent. All right.

We're not gonna get rich from this, but it might keep us out of bankruptcy.

I don't know, Charlie.

Come on, look, Kim.

I can't just sit around here all day. I got to try to do somethin'.

Come on. I need this.

I guess you better start handing out those fliers.

All right.

Me, too. Much more sense...

OK, you want me to give you a hug?

Here's a big hug. Group hug.

♪ Ooh! Ooh! ♪

♪ let me tell ya now ♪ excuse me. When you get a chance...

♪ When I had you to myself ♪

♪ I didn't want you around ♪

♪ those pretty faces always made you stand out in a crowd ♪

♪ oh, baby, give me one more chance ♪

♪ won't you please ♪

♪ let me back in your heart ♪ here you go, daddy day care.

Hey, little karate guy. Daddy day care, karate girl.

Hello! Daddy day care.

Hiya!, how are you?

God!

Here you go. If you get a chance...

♪ Won't you please let me back in your heart ♪ hi.

♪ Oh, baby, all I need ♪ when you get a chance, have a look at that. Thank you.

If it's not too much trouble, when you get a chance...

♪ Back in your heart ♪

♪ oh, darlin', I was blind to let you go ♪

♪ But now since I see you in his arms ♪%

"warm, nurturing, experienced parents providing exceptional child-care at affordable prices."

Hmm.

You know, the "experienced" part is what I have to take issue with.

I give it 3 days.

So, you 2 guys are running a day care center?

You're signing up people at a lemonade stand on the front lawn?

Wow, that's... Good luck with that. Come on, Paul.

Hey! Hey, wait a minute. Don't you believe in equality amongst the sexes?

Can't men do everything women can do?

No, no, we can't. It's unnatural.

A little bit eeky.

You're guys?

What did you think daddy day care meant?

I thought maybe one guy. Not nothing but guys.

I just thought it was a clever name.

Is this the day care place?

They're guys. They're all guys.

They're what?

Excuse me. Listen. We are 2 loving, caring parents, and we run a day care center.

A couple of sickos is what you are!

Don't be... hey, miss, hey, how about a free trial offer?

Sickos!

Uh-oh. Dear, dear.

Come on!

Hi, Peggy! Hi, Nicky. How you doin'?

Hi! Nicky is so excited for his big day.

Nicky, how old are you, hon'? Oh, yeah, 5.

OK, I got it.

Wait. You're gonna leave Nicky here with these guys?

Yeah. Oh, come on, you have trouble with them being guys?

What are you, from the dark ages?

Aren't you for all that gender equality and all that jazz?

Peggy, come on. Of course we are.

OK. So can't women do what men do and men do what women do?

These guys can do the job.

What, are you gonna vouch for these 2?

Yeah, I'll vouch for 'em. I'll vouch for these guys.

Yeah, yeah.

OK, OK, OK. Just... I'll try it.

You're gonna do it?

They'll have a great time.

Right, kids?

You're a real lifesaver.

You know what, you screw this up, I'm gonna kill you with my bare hands.

Here, now, go to Phil.

No, I don't wanna go.

Come on. Let go.

I don't wanna go!

He's got a little bit of separation anxiety.

Oh, Dylan!

Don't want...

I just stopped breastfeeding.

I'd freak out, too.

If you could just grab a leg.

I don't wanna go.

All right.

Here we go. Come on.

Come on, Dylan.

I don't wanna go, E.

OK. OK.

Ow! Let... come on. Let go of mom!

I don't wanna go.

Let go, wow.

Thank you. Oh, man.

No lactose, no peanuts, no shellfish.

Nothing high in fructose.

Or sucrose or dextrose.

Or maltodextrose.

Nothing with red dye number 6.

Or number 4.

Or yellow dye number 2.

Will you say "maltodextrose" for me again? So cute.

Maltodextrose.

Ma-maltodextrose.

Or yellow dye number 2.

2, right.

His name's Crispin.

My man, Crispin! How's it goin' there, big guy?

What time's pickup?

At 5:00 P.M.

Hmm, I have laser treatment. Make it 6:00.

Sorry about the outfit. He won't take it off.

How long has he been wearin' that?

Couple of weeks.

Now who are you gonna call if there are any problems, sweetie?

911, mommy.

That's such a good girl.

Come on. Come on. Come on, Dylan! I'll let you hold my keys.

How about life savers? You like life savers?

How about money? A dollar?

Ah!

Yeah! A dollar.

Hmm.

You are a smart man. That is yours. All right.

Welcome to daddy day care.

We're your team facilitators. My name is Charlie and this is Phil.

OK, anybody ever seen a mission statement before?

Here. Everybody take one. Take a mission statement.

Me!

Here we go. One for everybody. Slow down.

All right. OK.

Now, who wants to be first one to read the first sentence on the mission statement?

OK, how 'bout you?

I don't read yet.

OK, I'm looking for someone who can read.

OK, now, by a show of hands, how many of you guys can already read?

OK, uh, raise your hand if you don't know how to read.

OK. Here's what we're gonna do.

I'm gonna read the mission statement aloud, and what I want you guys to do is just follow along as I read the mission statement. OK?

Doesn't that sound like fun, interesting fun? Here we go.

"As the members and facilitators of the daddy day care team, we will collectively strive to provide..."

OK, Sean, don't... don't eat the... the mission statement. Get that out of your mouth.

"Will collectively strive to..."

And don't you rip the mission statement, little flash.

Because it's a very important document... hey!

N-now, come here. Hey! Come back here!

OK. Uh, so, what he's really trying to say is...

Stop runnin'! Stop runnin'!

Come here! Come here!

Hey, come back here! One second.

OK, up? You want the rocket ship?

One more?

Rocket ship! Rocket ship!

Everybody'll get the rocket ship.

Slow down, slow down, everybody. Slow down!

I thought you said this was gonna be easy.

You know what I'm thinking now?

That it was a huge mistake?

Yeah, you know, Phil, I never quit anything in life, but I'm not sure how much longer I can take this.

I'll be right back.

Hey, where you goin', man?

Trust me!

Help me do the rocket ship.

Rocket ship!

4 absent children. No explanation.

Maybe it's just a coincidence.

In a group this size, 3 absent children is a coincidence.

4 is a statistical anomaly.

Hello, Santa Luma!

Hey, everybody! It's big Phil with a guitar!

OK, why don't you guys enjoy big Phil while I rest my spine?

Max, bring your dad a chair.

They really like that rocket ship.

♪ Now when I was a small boy ♪

♪ At the age of 5 ♪

♪ At the age of 5 ♪

♪ My mama said ♪

♪ My mama said ♪

♪ I'd be the greatest man alive ♪ Yeah!

♪ I'm a man ♪

♪ I'm a man ♪

♪ I'm a full-grown man ♪

♪ I'm a full-grown man ♪

♪ I'm a fat man ♪

♪ I'm a fat man! ♪

♪ I've gotta stop eatin' ♪% hey, come on into the kitchen.

♪ Put the lime in the coconut and drink 'em all up ♪

♪ Put the lime in the coconut, drink 'em all up ♪

♪ Put the lime in the coconut you drink 'em all up ♪

♪ I say, doctor, ain't there nothing I can take?" ♪%

♪ I say, "doctor, to relieve this belly ache?" ♪

♪ I say, "doctor..." ♪%

♪ like a rhinestone cowboy ♪

♪ Riding out on a horse ♪

♪ In a star-spangled rodeo ♪%

♪ hava nagila ♪

♪ Hava nagila ♪

♪ Hava nagila ♪%

I am definitely out of songs.

OK, lunchtime.

Mmm!

Mmm, yum.

Mmm, yummy.

I don't know if we should be feeding this kind of stuff.

Why not? Look at them. They love it.

Yeah, but I'm a little worried.

About what?

♪ 2-2-24 hours to go ♪

911.

♪ I wanna be sedated ♪ he cut off his head!

Crispin stole my doll. I need help.

Come on!

You know how old this piano is? Keep your feet off the piano.

Get your shoes off the couch. Get them off the couch!

Crispin, please. Please, crispin!

Give me the... Ahhh!

The meat ain't the only fresh thing around here.

Hey, no, no, no. Don't play with that. Give me this. Give me this.

Leave it alone, OK?

♪ I wanna be sedated ♪

♪ nothing to do, nowhere to go, oh ♪

♪ I wanna be sedated ♪

♪ Just put me in a wheelchair ♪

♪ get me to the show ♪

♪ hurry, hurry, hurry, before I go loco ♪

♪ I can't control my fingers, I can't control my toes ♪ all right.

Hey, you get off those drapes.

Stop climbing the drapes. Stop climbing. You stop it.

Hey you come here!

♪ Ba-Ba-baba ♪ Nicky, gimme that vase!

Nicky, put down the vase!

♪ Ba-Ba-baba ♪

♪ I wanna be sedated ♪ tomorrow, we give them all organic.

Don't worry, it's gonna be OK.

How can you stand there and say that? Look at this.

What goes up...

Shh!

Wow!

You guys are good.

Well, what do you expect? You left your kids with professionals.

Sorry to leave you hangin', man, but ever since we got laid off, Sheila's been makin' me make dinner.

Really? How's that goin'?

Uh, it ain't nappin'.

Hey, can I take these snack cakes home?

Yeah, go ahead.

Ah!

How you doin', little man?

Hmm, that's how you doin'?

Excuse me a second. What is that?

All right, give me that. That's too loud.

C'mon, man, let go, it's too loud.

I'm serious. Let go, crispin. Crisp...

All right, then.

Gettin' kinda late. Where do you suppose your mommy is?

Shut up, butthead.

Shut... hey, you stop that! Hey, you know somethin'?

Your mommy and daddy would not like you talkin' like that. You should not talk like that.

When your mommy comes, I'm gonna tell her that you...

I'm delayed, let's go. Motor's running.

Yeah, c'mon, get out of here.

Stop!

I wish you would.

Crispin, don't make that face.

What?

Don't make lines. Quiet the face.

Relax the face. Quiet the face. Quiet.

Yes, c-calm your face. Show no lines, you know.

You got early drop-off?

No, we don't have anything...

I'm gonna see you tomorrow.

I'll see you tomorrow, crispin.

Tomorrow.

All right, you're gonna be just like your father. Look at him.

Hanging off of him, his skin. Hanging off.

Hey, little man.

Hey, dad.

What are you up to?

Hmm, just tryin' to read a story.

Hey, listen, man, I know I was really busy today with those other kids, taking care of them and all.

I know it probably wasn't easy for you, havin' to share all your toys and watchin' daddy do rocket ship with everybody, but, you know, now it's just me and you, we can do whatever you wanna do.

Can we read this story?

We sure can read this story.

All right.

"There once was a herd of elephants.

"Elephants young, elephants ol', "elephants tall and short, fat and thin.

"All were different, but all were happy, "and almost all were the same color.

And they all made the elephant sound."

They all said...

Let me hear you make that sound.

All right.

Do it again?

Oh, no, I can't do it again, because daddy might have an aneurysm.

Hey, guys, sorry I'm late.

I'm not cleanin' this up.

Ah!

Hey, take this in there. Go sit down.

All right, maybe I haven't had my coffee yet, but it seems like these kids are multiplying. What's going on?

Yeah, we got 2 new kids.

Oh, come on!

Listen, we're gonna have to up our game today.

We need structure and some planned activities.

No, we need Ritalin and leashes, that's what we need.

Hmm. All we're gonna need is this.

All right, everybody, let's do this.

Everybody, come in here. OK, here we go.

OK, all right, c'mon, let's try another play. Let's try this.

Let's try this. Here's what we're gonna do now.

Here's a new play, all right. It's called the baby blitz.

Nicky, I want you to hang back. We're gonna do a lateral.

I want you to go down the middle for a button-hook, OK?

Here, you, I want you to be my blocker.

How about we just run in a circle?

OK, we can do that. That's an even better play. Everybody just run in a circle.

Yes? All right, let's run in a circle. Come on, run in a circle.

Tony, you'll see the ball a lot better if you take your mask off.

I'm not Tony, I'm flash.

Hmm.

Hey!

How come you're not playing, little man?

Come on, it's football. You love football!

Help!

Help! Stuck!

I live in California. Where do you live?

I am in Hong Kong.

Where's Hong Kong?

Can you hear me now?

I can't hear you.

Can you hear me now?

I can't hear you.

Can you hear me now? What is it?

I thought you liked football, all this time.

You're gonna tell me you don't like...

I'll be... I'm gonna be right back, little man. I got to go...

Hey!

Hey. Phil.

Hey, uh, you got a little problem over there with Max.

Oh, it's happening.

What's happening? What is it?

It! It's happening. He hasn't gone for a week. That's it.

Oh, no. That's... that's... It's happenin'?

It's happenin'. I know the face. Look.

That's your cue. You gotta go and deal with that.

I can't.

What do you mean, I can't.T?

You have to do it.

I can't.

Yes, you can.

I can't.

All right, I will!

Good. Come on.

Oh, oh, oh!

I can't.

OK, listen. I can see you got issues about this, so I'm gonna take care of it this time, all right?

Yeah.

But in the future, you gotta work this one out yourself.

I gotta work it out.

That's your son. And God willing, when you get older, he's gonna do this for you one day, so you wanna know that he owes that to you.

He owes me.

Yeah. Es you.

Hey, don't get cute with the thing.

I'm not assuming you're doin' it.

All right, so how you wanna do this?

I can do this myself.

Yes. Sure?

OK, well, you go and do it with your bad self. You go and do it now.

All right. You need anything, I'm right out here, OK?

Hey! Hey, big guy, how'd it go in there?

I missed.

What does that mean?

I missed.

Oh, hell, no.


Whew!

Hey!

Come on!

No, no, no!

Come on. You put this down. You don't play with this.

You ripped up my wife's flowers.

You give me this. You're not supposed to. Go play with something else.

Hey, what's goin' on here?

We're spiraling out of control.

Look, don't panic, because they're like animals. They can smell fear.

I don't know what else to do. I've run out of ideas.

I'll tell you what...

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Quietly, children. Follow me.

6 absences.

Single file.

I have to go make a phone call.

Let's get ready to rumble!

Let me tell you something, brother. I have never liked carrots.

And today as I stand here and look at you before me, having the audacity to think that you can defeat me, let me tell you something, brother, I am about to kick your carrot butt!

Let me tell you something, Mr. broccoli.

When the carrot is done with you, you will be nothing but a kumquat!

I will destroy everything in this world that is broccoli.

The carrot is the lowest form of vegetable!

Hey. Hey! What about me?

Nobody likes broccoli.

Really? Well, Ben likes broccoli, don't you, Ben?

No.

You turned my own sprout against me? Now you're gonna die!

OK, come on. I felt that.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey! OK!

Come on!

Will you stop it?

Ahhh! That's it.

Ah! Hey, hey, hey! What's that about?

I'm sorry. You made me crazy!

You little maniac, you! Wreckin' my wife's tables and stuff.

Somebody's at the door. Ah! My back.

Hey, hi.

Is this the, uh, the Hinton residence?

I'm Dan Kubitz, child services.

I'm here to, uh, conduct a compliance inspection.

Inspection? No one said anything about any inspection.

Well, we only do it if we receive a complaint.

A complaint? Somebody complained about...

Well, come on in. You can inspect us. We got nothing to hide.

Um, you caught us at a crazy time. We're playing with the kids.

Somebody... somebody complained about us?

So, wh-where is the nap area?

Right. P area?

Uh, we don't really have a nap area.

We just let them fall asleep wherever they drop.

OK, "sleep where they drop." Well, you know, I think that should just about do it.

Um, what's the bottom line?

Well, you need to correct the deficiencies on this form.

OK.

And also, you need to fill out these compliance certification documents.

Who wants these, the carrot or the broccoli?

Carrot.

There's a lot of stuff on here.

So we can stay open, right?

As long you have that done by 9 A.M. tomorrow morning.

9 A.M.? 9 A.M.

Hey good luck with this. I... I like what you guys are doing here.

I... I don't wanna be the guy that has to shut you down.

Yeah, we'd hate for you to be that guy.

I will be. Don't wanna be.

OK. Safety gates at the bottom of the stairs, top of the stairs, bedrooms, bathrooms.

I've gone safety gate crazy.

Hey, how many kids have we taken care of?

I've lost track, they run so fast.

Well, you can get started on this little batch over here.

Ah, you know, it's getting kinda late. Let's just call it a night.

No, we cannot call it a night. We got a bunch of kids showin' up here in 5 hours.

I'm serious. We don't know anything about running a day care center.

We don't know anything. We're not even good parents!

I'm a good parent.

What? Does that mean?

That thing. What is that?

Uh, you know that rocket ship thing you do?

Ben doesn't even like that.

First of all, you don't know what you're talkin' about, 'cause that happens to be Ben's favorite thing.

Well, I've seen it, OK? He only lets you do it because you like it, it's the only time you pay attention to him.

You don't even change your kid's diapers.

I don't like diapers.

Well, you should teach your kid how to go to the toilet and aim, too, so every time he goes we don't have to redecorate the place.

You're right. You're right.

Let me tell you somethin'.

My kid is 4 years old, and for the first time today, I saw him playin', havin' a good time with the other kids, just being a normal kid.

I made me feel great, that I had somethin' to do with that.

We did that!

If we can do that, we can definitely get this place up to code by dawn.

Let's go safety gate crazy.

Don't worry, he's gonna be fine, OK?

It's all right.

All I got is $5.

I can break that.

Hey. Hey, listen. I left the paperwork on the kitchen table.

It's not there. Please tell me you have it.

I don't have it.

Hey, guys.

Marvin, what are you doing?

The, uh, door was unlocked. I got your final paychecks here.

Thanks.

So, what's going on here?

Well, we... don't even ask.

Hey.

Hija.

You can understand him?

Yeah. Yeah, he's speaking Klingon.

Oh, that's Klingon. I thought the kid was an idiot.

God, how much Star Trek does that kid watch?

Charlie, the guy from child services is here.

Oh, man.

Sorry.

No, no, listen. Why don't you do me a favor?

Why don't you take the kids in the back and play with them for a while?

Keep their attention for a while, while I talk to this guy.

Whatever you do, don't let this big bruiser get near the lawnmower.

Thanks, Marvin.

Hey, Mr. Kubitz. Hi.

I thought I was early, but...

I was just getting all the paperwork.

Great. Great.

You dropped something.

Yeah.

The kids wanted to help out.

Oh! Oh, that's sweet.

Yeah. So here's everything for you.

What I'll need is your signature on the back of her head.

And on the elbow of this kid.

Oh, do you have a pen?

I do have a pen.

This is my lucky pen.

Ah, thank you.

And where's on the... initial... initial the elbow.

OK.

Sign the back of her head.

Yeah. R neck? OK.

Great. That should just about do it.

Here we go. OK.

You're ready to roll.

Let's go in and get started.

Well, you know, everything looks OK here, but it says here that you now have 11 children.

That's correct.

Yeah, yeah.

So I assume that you've hired a 3rd care provider.

Why would you just assume that?

Well, section 768 of the child welfare code specifically states that the ratio of children to care providers cannot exceed 5:1.

The 768.04.

768.04.

The ratio.

The ratio thingy. We resolved that this morning.

We resolved that this morning.

Good. Good.

We hired someone.Eone.

Marvin, Marvin..

Yeah.

Marvin has been hired!

He's an excellent right outside with the kids.

Well, I'd love to take a look, if that's OK with you.

Oh, you want to go out there?

I think it's probably a good idea for me to see for myself.

Let's go and have a look at Marvin.

Now, put your hands up! Now, wave 'em!

You know, h-he certainly seems like... like he knows what he's doing.

Oh, yeah, of course.

I've got to say that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we had to interview a lot of people.

Yeah, it was a really long, grueling, singling-out process for...

And now, I'm a chicken.

I'm a bird. Look, I'm a bird.

You can never be too careful when it comes to kids. You can't.

And here at daddy day care we only want to work with the best.

So, we got the top of the notch and that's Marvin.

Sorry.

Shh. Sorry.

What did you do to these kids?

What?

Are they on drugs?

Oh, there's this one, one kid, maybe.

How'd you get them to behave like this?

Just got to know how to handle them.

How do you know how to handle them?

I read Dr. Spock's baby and child care book.

It's not about Star Trek.

Huh?

I'm gonna finish.

Yeah. Yeah

You know, when... when I was in the back, I spotted, under... under the eaves of the, um, of the porch what looked like a beehive. A really big beehive.

Don't worry. All taken care of.

I don't want anybody getting hurt.

No hurt. Gone.

Guys, you should be proud. You really have turned this thing around.

Thank you very much.

I'm impressed. I really am.

Thank you very much. And for our own curiosity, this little complaint that you guys got... any chance you could tell us where it came from?

I'd love to. I really would love to.

But that... that... because... I have a relationship with the state.

Just for our own curiosity.

Oh, that was miss harridan.

I'm sure she'll see us.

We need to talk to you.

Sorry, miss harridan, they just barged right in.

That's quite all right, Jenny.

Gentlemen, please sit down.

Now, what can I do for you?

We wanted to come down and personally thank you for helping to expedite our accreditation process.

Thanks to your anonymous tips, somebody from child services came to see us.

I had heard you'd opened some sort of day care program, and, uh, well, I was concerned.

That's very nice of you. But you don't have to be concerned about us.

Oh, it's not you I'm concerned about.

It's the children you're looking after.

Hey, wait a minute. We're parents, all right. That's a start.

Any boob can be a parent.

If you want to screw up your own child, that's your right.

But when it comes to other people's children, there's a higher standard to answer to.

Oh, well, Mr. Kubitz seems to think that we met that standard.

Show her the thing.

That piece of paper doesn't impress me.

Uh, we're getting it laminated.

You 2 are just some fly-by-night operation looking to make a fast buck.

You're just afraid of the competition. That's all.

Come on, let's get out of here.

Competition? Don't flatter yourselves.

Daddy day care will never be in the same league as this institution.

Laminated!

For some reason, that just wasn't as satisfying as I thought it was gonna be.

You know, I think we can take her.

All we need is a clove of garlic and a wooden stake.

Hey, hey, hey, you know what she said that was right just now?

These kids need more than just watching.

Tomorrow we gotta take it up a notch.

We got to start stimulating their minds a little bit.

But I'm not a daddy.

You don't have to be a daddy.

You're a male-type humanoid. That fits in with the philosophy of the place.

I don't know, guys. I mean, I guess I... I like hanging out with the kids.

It's kind of cool.

But, uh, I guess child-care wasn't necessarily an Avenue that I felt professionally I was headed towards.

That's exactly what I said.

Excuse me. Yes, come on in!

Oh, hey, how are you?

Hey, guys.

I am so sorry. I forgot to write you a check this week.

Ever since the divorce, my head's just been like...

♪ Ooh, dream Weaver ♪ hi.

Oh, hi.

Hi.

Are you the new daddy?

I'm your daddy.

I'm not your daddy.

But I'm your baby's daddy.

I'm not...

I'm not your baby's daddy. I'm going to be...

I'm... I'm...

You're Marvin.

Marvin.

Well, it's nice to meet you, Marvin. I'm Kelli.

Dylan's mom.

Ah, well...

I got to run.

Oh, yeah, thank you.

All right. Bye, guys.

OK, have... have a good one.

Thanks.

Bye.

I'm in. Do you have a dental plan?

All right, Marvin.

Your first assignment is to show us how you handle those kids the way you do.

Teach us.

Let's put it this way. If this were a business, and they were customers, how do you find out what they want?

I'd put together a focus group.

All right, let's do it.

What we'd like is for you to tell us what you'd like to get out of daddy day care.

Help us to help you.

Who'd like to start?

We need more learning about things.

More learning about things?

Yes.

We're at a very critical age.

You have to feed our minds.

OK, all right. You want to write that down, Marvin?

"Feed our minds."

Great. OK, what else?

Dolphins. Dolphins are good.

Dolphins are fish.

No, they're not.

Uh-huh, they live in water.

That doesn't mean they're fish.

Hey, hey, hey, let's calm down. Lets about something else.

What else would you like to talk about?

Where do babies come from?

Um...

Why don't we go back to the dolphin subject and discuss dolphins, or if there's anything else on someone else's mind that we can talk about other than that.

Write that down.

OK, what else?

Could we, um...

What were you getting ready to say, Ben?

Come on, I can see you were getting ready to say something.

What is it, son?

More, um...

Drawing?

More drawings?

Yeah! Like pictures and stuff. It's really fun.

OK, yeah, great. More drawings.

Yeah! Yeah!

More chasing bad guys.

Excellent idea.

We can chase joker.

Well, wait a second, buddy. That's Batman's bad guy.

You're flash, so you want to be chasing...

Lex Luthor?

No. That's superman.

You want to be chasing captain boomerang, gorilla grodd, reverse flash... the riddler?

What have you been doing to these kids?

♪ All right, fellas ♪

♪ let's go ♪

♪ oh, it's been getting so hard ♪

♪ living with the things you do to me ♪

♪ My dreams are getting so strange ♪

♪ I'd like to tell you everything I see ♪

♪ oh, I see a man at the back, as a matter of fact ♪

♪ his eyes are as red as the sun ♪

♪ and a girl in the corner, let no one ignore her ♪

♪ cause she thinks she's the passionate one ♪

♪ oh, yeah! It was like lightning ♪

♪ everybody was fighting ♪

♪ and the music was soothing ♪

♪ and they all started grooving ♪

♪ yeah, yeah, yeah-yeah-yeah ♪

♪ and the man in the back said everyone attack ♪

♪ and it turned into a ballroom blitz ♪

♪ and the girl in the corner said boy I want to warn you ♪

♪ it'll turn into a ballroom blitz ♪

♪ ballroom blitz, ballroom blitz ♪

♪ oh, reaching out for something ♪

♪ touching nothing's all I ever do ♪

♪ Oh, I softly call you over ♪

♪ When you appear there's nothing left of you ♪

♪ And the man in the back is ready to crack ♪

♪ as he raises his hands to the sky ♪

♪ and the girl in the corner is everyone's mourner ♪

♪ she could kill you with a wink of her eye ♪

♪ oh, yeah! It was electric ♪

♪ so perfectly hectic ♪

♪ and the band started leaving ♪

♪ 'cause they all stopped breathing ♪

♪ yeah, yeah, yeah-yeah-yeah ♪

♪ ballroom blitz ♪% starting tomorrow, Phil is gonna be hosting a three stooges film festival in the T.V. Room.

I know everybody's looking forward to that, right?

Thanks, daddy!

And last, but not least, the thumb suckers support group is going to be having a meeting under the tree immediately following, uh, nap time, which starts right after you guys finish your snack.

So, after you finish, grab a blanket, get a spot, and we have, uh, we have that.

Also, next week is going to be Alpha girls group.

And we're going to have tai chi under the tree.

And we're going to also have pet day, so you bring your pets in, Cool. Have pet show-and-tell.

This is my bunny. His name is tiny.

I feed him a lot. 5 times a day.

He poops a lot, too. 6 times a day.

It's like little marbles.

This is my turtle, sparks.

He's fast. He's the fastest turtle in the world.

Go! Go, sparks, go!

This is my parrot, Paulie. I'm teaching him to talk. Talk.

Shut up, butthead. Shut up, butthead.

OK, Becca, where's your pet?

I had a tarantula, but I don't know where he is.

OK, all right, don't panic. Don't panic.

What do you mean, don't panic? There's a big spider in here somewhere.

I got a spider on my head!

So what are we betting on today?

I'm going to do a diaper stroke, OK?

All right.

Well, if it isn't the geniuses that brought the world veggie-o's.

So, how's unemployment?

Actually, I've got the best job I've ever had.

Yeah, it's a start-up.

We offer time-management facilitation to mostly working professionals.

Well, that's a tough market. Sounds pretty cutthroat.

Yeah. It's a real blood sport.

What's the money like?

Bruce! Let's go, I got Botox.

Hi, Charlie. Hi, Phil.

Hey, crispin.

What's up, little man?

How do you know my kid?

They're his day care teachers, what do you think?

Day care? That's what it is?

Oh, my God. You're wiping boogers for a living.

Losers, losers, losers.

Hey, you're paying us to do it, too, you know.

Losers.

"Do you like green eggs and ham?"

Yeah.

"I do not like them, Sam-I-am. I do not like green eggs and ham.

Would you like to eat them here or there?"

Yeah.

"I would not like to eat them anywhere.

"I do not like green eggs and ham.

I do not like them, Sam-I-am." OK?

Now, see, he was going, he was going to punch Sam-I-am, but he walked away. You don't punch, see? He walked away with it.

Where's mommy?

Mommy had to work today.

Remember when you used to work all the times?

Yeah, back when I had a real job.

Mmm-hmm. Do you miss work?

I guess. I suppose so.

I miss it.

But don't get me wrong. It's not like I don't like hanging out with you guys, you know.

It's just that daddy used to be a big shot down at work.

I had my own office and a big, pretty view.

Remember that big, pretty view daddy had?

I like it when you spin me around in that cool chair.

Yeah, that's a cool chair.

A lot of cool things about that job.

Cool chair, I had people working underneath me, and, just between you and I, the pay wasn't that bad either.

OK, put that down.

What do you think of that?

What is it?

What do you mean? It's a dog in the sunshine.

It doesn't look like one.

That's because it's kinda abstract.

You have to squint when you look at it.

Squint and look and see.

And when you see it like this, that's abstract.

Yeah? You see it?

How about if you tilt your head to the side?

No, the other way.

Still doesn't look like one.

OK, well, what are you over there working on, Michelangelo?

What you got?

What is that?

There's nothing abstract about that, now, is it?

Thanks.

That's pretty good.

You got daddy's head looking kind of round, though.

Is my head that round?

No. But I got your mustache.

Yeah, I see. A nice green mustache.

That's all right, son.

All right, I just paid the mortgage, the car loan and the electric bill.

Look at the balance in the checking account.

74 cents.

Yeah. That's right, 74 cents.

You are my superman.

You got that right.

I've been working hard, and I think it's time to let off a little of this frustration I have.

It's time for you to, uh, take care of your superman.

My superman. Come here, baby.

That's right.

Oh, no, the monster's going to get me! Oh, no!

It's probably a nightmare.

Be right back.

OK, hurry up. Mommy's coming!

No, I want daddy.

Did everything go OK?

Yeah, everything's just fine.

What's that face for?

Since when does he like you better than he likes me?

No, don't even trip. It's not like that.

I've just been spending more time with him, so he wanted me.

He's getting so much more confident.

Remember in the beginning, how he wouldn't play with anybody else?

Now, he's even playing with that kid, crispin.

With crispin, who by the way happened to say "thank you" at lunch today without being told.

And that little girl Becca, she can read.

She's just a baby.

I seen her pick up a curious George book, sit down and read like a grownup.

What's that face?

You know, I haven't seen you this excited about something in a long time.

Yeah, I ain't going to front.

Them little crumb snatchers got under my skin.

Mrs. Plager, I cannot continue to expose the other children to such dangerous, self-destructive, highly addictive behavior.

So either Juliette stops the thumb sucking, or you'll just have to find yourself another preschool.

Um, are you busy?

Just pruning a few weeds from the garden.

What is it?

OK, I just thought you should know we've lost 3 more students.

Are you seriously suggesting you don't know where they are?

No, ma'am.

I know where they are.

So do I.

Daddy day care.

First, it was amusing.

Then it was annoying.

Now it's really starting to tick me off.

Get me a copy of child day care services regulations.

Uh-oh.

Hey, Phil, get the door.

Huh?

Get the door!

Huh.

All right, I got it. I got it.

Oh, Mr. Kubitz.

What... what are you doing here?

Is this... is this a bad time?

No, it's a great time.

Well, is... is the... is the man of the house at home?

"Man of the house."

Charlie!

Mr. Kubitz is here from child services!

I'll be right there.

So, uh, let me ask you. W-w-where are the kids?

Uh, outside. Marvin's giving them a puppet show.

Nice. What's on the program?

Pinocchio? Little red riding hood?

No, uh, wrath of Khan.

Hey, Mr. Kubitz. Hi!

Hey, you! Wait! What are you doing?

What?

What's wrong with your face?

My face?

What's all that stuff, man? Come on.

What's the matter with you?

Becca and Jamie.

Ah, if you'll excuse me, I have to see, uh, 2 little girls because now I'm a big girl.

He's having fun with...

Mr. Kubitz, so what brings you here today?

You know, I've... I've received another complaint... oh, I guess we know who that came from.

Well, I understand that... that you've acquired

3 more children since my last visit.

Yes. We're 14 altogether now.

But it's still 3 adults, so we're still under the 5:1 ratio.

Right. But you see, Charlie, it's a totally different issue this time.

Charlie, can I talk to you for a second?

Oh, yeah, give me a sec... excuse me a second. I'm going to go handle this.

Sure. Thanks..

What's going on?

What's up?

Flash is gone.

What do you mean, he's gone? Gone where?

I can't find him.

You guys looked everywhere? He's not in the garage?

Everywhere.

What're we going to do?

Is there some kind of problem out here?

No. Not at all, Mr. Kubitz.

We're just having a little conversation about the...

OK, because if it's... you know... no problem at all. Why... why don't you...

Hey, kids!

Why don't you meet our good friend, Mr. Kubitz.

Say hi.

Hi, Mr. Kubitz.

Hi, guys.

Hey, wouldn't it be nice if Mr. Kubitz played with you guys while we had a little important conversation?

Would you be so kind?

I-is that a good idea?

Yeah, we're having a grown-up conversation the kids shouldn't be privy to.

So, just for a second. Please.

Oh, sure. That's different.

I'm gonna go upstairs.Yard.

I'm gonna check the basement!

Do we have a basement?

Flash!

Flash!

Flash!

Flash!

Flash!

Flash!

We have to do the laundry. God!

Whoo-hoo!

Flash!

Oh, my God! They vaporized him!

All right, he couldn't have gotten too far. I'm gonna call the police.

I'll call his parents.

If only I were a betazoid, I could sense him.

Hey, which kid is this?

I don't know. Hey, kid, what's your name?

Tony.

Tony. Tony.

Flash's name is Tony.

Actually, flash's name is Wally west... hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hey, Tony, how come you aren't wearing your flash suit?

I don't want to be flash anymore.

You don't want to be flash? Who do you want to be?

Tony.

You want... did you hear that? He wants to be Tony.

Wants to be Tony.

Oh, that's nice. You want to be Tony. That's great.

Hey, Tony, have a cookie. Have a fresh one.

What are you talking about? Of course, I love you.

I'm just not in love with you.

15 months of therapy, that's the best you can do?

That is the dumbest line I have ever heard.

My mother was right about you.

Wait.

For what? You think this is gonna change? You think I'm gonna change?

You think this is what I had in mind?

Being a 55-year-old man, living with his mother?

You think that's my idea of a good time?

I love passive-aggressive losers.

You know, a-according to state regulations, a... a child-care center in a family home is limited to a maximum of 12 children.

I don't understand. 'Cause we have plenty of room here for these kids.

Charlie, I don't make the rules, I just enforce them.

You can't have more than 12 kids at this kind of location.

So what you are saying is if we want to stay in business, we have to fire 2 kids.

Unless you want to move to a permanent facility somewhere else, then yes.

So, who do we cut loose?

How about Becca and Jamie?

I can't do it.

We gotta do something.

Why don't we get a bigger space?

"Space... the final frontier."

Marvin, I'm serious. Harridan said we're not real. Let's get real.

Let's get a bigger space, let's get more kids, hire more people.

We'll give this woman a run for her money.

Great. Let's... let's get a new space.

Yeah, final frontier!

You know, if you don't stop with that Star Trek, I'll push you in that sticker bush. Stop!

No! I'm saying that there is a space available called "the final frontier."

This used to be my home away from home.

Jerry, the guy who owned this place, he had the ultimate collection of memorabilia.

Um, oh, you know what he had?

Tricorder.

The... that ensign Riley wore in "the doomsday machine."

Yeah, yeah, I never saw that episode.

I was with him, not watching also.

Oh!

Needs a lot of work.

That just means we can fix it up how we want to fix it up.

Yeah, but we're gonna need some money to do that.

To make money, you got to spend money.

To spend money, you got to have money.

"Rock for daddy day care.

Help us finance our new permanent home."

Do you know what this means?

It's a chance to improve ourselves through a little healthy competition?

No, you bubble-headed idiot.

It's a death sentence.

If they get their hands on a big enough space, they'll ruin me.

They're selling fun.

I can't compete with fun.

I should've crushed them in the beginning when they were weak.

It'll be harder now, but I have no choice.

I've got to stop them.

How are you gonna do that?

By any means necessary.

♪ Mother told me ♪ Yeah, ride the pony.

Pet the goat.

Get a t-shirt made. Something to eat.

Enjoy the music!

♪ You'll never know what you'll catch" ♪

♪ Just the other day I heard ♪

♪ A soldier falling off ♪

♪ Some Indonesian junk ♪

♪ That's going 'round ♪

♪ Your mommy's all right ♪

♪ Your daddy's all right ♪

♪ They just seem a little weird ♪

♪ Surrender ♪

♪ Surrender ♪

♪ But don't give yourself away ♪

♪ Away ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪

Hey, they're showing Logan's run, Friday...

Friday night at 8:00.

If you're not busy Friday nights, maybe you'd like to... oh, yeah, sure.

Great.

So we're talking, like, just dinner, bath, bed?

The works?

What?

You want me to baby-sit so you can go to the movie, right?

Marvin, I want you to go with me.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

OK.

OK. Great.

All right. Here's your thing.

♪ Surrender ♪

♪ But don't give yourself away ♪ Thank you very much.

OK. Thanks. Great.

I don't think we should be doing this.

Jennifer, my dear, in life there are winners and there are losers.

And if you want to be a winner, sometimes you have to play dirty.

♪ Mom and dad were rolling on the couch ♪

♪ Rolling numbers, rock and rolling ♪ Hey!

I'll show you. I'll paint my face first.

And then you paint yourself.

See? Put a little paint.

And I'm just going to...

What's wrong?

That's not paint! It's give!

♪ Away ♪

Could I get some more of this delicious potato salad?

It is so good. Have you tried it?

Really. It is so good.

What's up?

Ew, look.

And they got into everything except for the pies.

OK, don't panic. Don't panic.

We'll just sell the people pies, that's all.

Oh.

Wow. Goats really love pie.

Leave them on for 2 hours.

You got it.

Everybody just take a deep breath and let's go back to having fun.

OK?

H-how'd we do?

We haven't even put a dent in it.

Hello?

Charlie, Jim fields.

Hey, how's your vacation going?

No, I'm just pulling your leg.

Listen, buddy, are you still looking for work?

'Cause I've got a job for you, unless you've got other offers.

No, no, that's really interesting.

It's, uh, that's interesting.

But it's just... I've got something going on right now.

Before you say no, let me fax you over the proposal.

You can take a look at the numbers, you think about it, then you get back to me.

Yeah.

OK. Great.

You say hi to the wife and daughter... son.

Miss harridan. Let me guess.

You couldn't get child services to come back, so you're doing the inspection yourself.

I apologize.

I don't like to be sneaky.

Still, rules are rules.

May I come in? I have a proposition for you.

Oh, yeah, please do.

Can I get you some, uh, coffee or tea or water or eye of newt, maybe?

Water would be lovely. Thank you.

Water. That's an easy one.

You don't mind tap water, do you?

We're out of the bottled water.

Ahem.

So, miss harridan, why are you here?

You seem smart, talented, highly ambitious.

What on earth are you doing running a day care center?

Well, maybe I enjoy running a day care center.

Obviously.

But is this really how you want to spend the rest of your life?

As a businessman, you'd have money, power, respect.

You're really going to throw that all away just to baby-sit a bunch of 3-year-old?

You know, I said I would listen to your proposition.

I'm all ears, and I've got other things to do, so if you'd be so kind... oh, all right. Here it is:

If daddy day care should close, for whatever reason, I'll take all your children for the price you charge.

Topflight education at rock-bottom prices.

Think about it.

Now, wait a minute.

Mmm-hmm.

You're blowing us off for cottony cotton balls?

No, cotton candy puffs.

Apparently the whole thing was my idea.

And they offered to double my salary, and let me run the division.

So, yes, I am taking myself back.

Go ahead, if that's what's important to you. I mean...

Phil and I can manage.

We'll just find somebody else. Right?

Uh, I... I'm going, too.

This is, like, worse than when Spock betrayed kirk on Star Trek V.

Hey, Marvin, it's not like that.

We want you to come back with us.

And not in the mailroom this time. We want you to be part of our team.

Whatever, I don't wanna be on that team.

I want to be on this team.

We thought a lot about this, man.

It's a great opportunity.

No, this right here is a great opportunity.

Marvin, this business... this is the one that has limits.

And we've reached them, OK?

Me and Phil, we got responsibilities to think about.

We got futures to take into consideration.

What about right now? What about the kids?

Hey...

These kids were fine before daddy day care, and they'll be fine when it's over.

You tell yourself that, Charlie.

I finally found a place where I fit in, where I feel like I'm doing something good, and you guys just...

You just spoil it all.

Well, that couldn't have gone worse.

If you think that went bad, wait till we tell the kids.

Can I go to work with you?

Oh, no, you can't go to work with me, but you can come visit me at work.

And daddy's gonna be home at night and on the weekends.

You know, we can still have lots of fun together.

Will Phil and Marvin still be here?

No, I'm sorry, little man.

They're not going to be around anymore.

It's just for a while, right?

Then you're going to come back and do daddy day care again.

No, this is... this is from now on.

Daddy day care, we're not doing that anymore, Ben.

Let me explain it to you like this, Ben:

If daddy does this, right, I can get money for us.

And I can use that money to take care of the house and to buy food and clothes and toys for you to play with.

I'll sell all my toys.

Oh, why you want to sell all your toys?

If I don't have toys, we don't need money, and you can stay with me.

I wish it was that simple, Ben.

The development department will have the first samples ready by next week.

OK, let's, uh, kick it around.

What do you think of when you think of cotton candy?

Clowns.

Chocolate.

Cavities.

Hyperactivity, cavities, and dentist bills. That's what I...

Hey, look, I've been to the other side, and I've seen firsthand.

When kids eat this kinda stuff, they come down crashing so hard they need an air bag.

You know what the ingredients are to these cotton candy balls?

Puffs.

They're "puffs." I'm sorry.

You know what's in here? Red dye number 4 and sugar.

You know what, people?

Charlie is absolutely right. You can't ignore the reality.

Parents are not going to want to buy this product for their kids.

Not unless those kids stomp and scream and bang their little heads on the floor till blood comes out of their ears.

Hey, Charlie, you got those figures that I gave you?

Yeah, I got them right here.

Just give me a second to...

We had an independent marketing firm do some preliminary research to sort out the core value of this product.

The subjects that were tested, aged 2 to 6, which are key branding years...

Charlie, you want to join us?

I'm sorry about that, Jim. Yeah.

Why don't you tell everybody what the core value is?

What's the most important thing?

My kid.

Huh?

My kid, Jim, that's the most important thing. My kid.

And I think I've made a tremendous mistake.

And so, uh, I quit.

Ooh, what are you doing to me?

You scared me.

How was the marketing meeting?

I quit.

I quit.

You quit?

I quit and I feel great.

You should quit with me.

I should quit?

You should quit right now.

We just got here.

You want to feel how I'm feeling? Quit. Come on.

Quit!

Quit with me.

Hey, Marvin, you weren't going to sell the carrot suit, were you?

The kids love that.

This stuff is not for sale!

A literal reader of the text might say that Goldilocks ate the "porridge" because she was "hungry."

But what would Freud say?

Language skills are a critical component of childhood development.

They're part of the core curriculum here at Chapman.

If you'll follow me this way.

On the path of life, the proper first steps are essential.

With our firm guidance, your children will take those steps right here at Chapman.

Our philosophy is that a child is like a climbing vine.

With structure to cling to, and the right gardener to tend them, they'll grow to the sky.

That's the dumbest thing I ever heard.

We're not talking about plants, we're talking about kids.

I know you people don't want this woman pruning and cutting and weeding your 3-year-old.

Some people are uncomfortable with achievement.

No, what I'm uncomfortable with is treating a little kid like it's an adult.

If you people let your kids come here, they're gonna be miserable in 4 different languages.

5.

We start Portuguese in the fall.

How many languages do you listen to them in?

You ever just take a break and stop trying to shove knowledge down their throat and just talk to them?

Listen to 'em and see what they want.

They're children, they don't know what they want.

Yes, they do know what they want.

All of them. And they're all different.

We took some time, we talked to the kids, got to know them a little bit.

And it made a difference. It helped them.

Oh, please. Share your success.

Why don't you tell these people exactly how you help their children?

Max.

Max over here is potty-trained now, OK?

I don't miss.

That's right. And Becca learned how to read.

Yes, I did.

And crispin.

Crispin is the most polite kid you'd ever want to meet.

Thank you, Charlie.

You are most welcome, crispin.

And I made friends.

That's right, little man, you made some friends.

As of this moment, daddy day care is back in business.

Don't be a fool. You won't make a nickel.

Yeah, we might not get rich, but we'll manage.

Excuse me.

All right, huh? How about that?

Hey, all right.

Daddy.

Hey listen, any boob can run a child-care center.

It takes a family to raise some children.

That's what we're going to be from now on, a family.

Family? What a laughable concept!

Well, we'll going to just laugh our way down the driveway.

You have bye, Miss Harridan. S. Harridan.

Bye, miss harridan.

Come on! Let's go!

Get in there! Come on! Let's go! Come on!

Come on! Hold up!

OK, everybody's holding hands, right?

Yeah, right.

Let's go.

"Daddy day care."

Jennifer, how could you?

It's a really great place to work.

You should apply there.

Or not.

Have a nice day, miss harridan.

That's nice.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

♪ Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba ♪

♪ Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba ♪

♪ you went to school to learn girl ♪

♪ things you never ever knew before ♪

♪ like "I" before "e" except after "c" ♪

♪ and why 2 plus 2 makes 4, now, now, now ♪

♪ I'm gonna teach you ♪

♪ teach you, teach you ♪

♪ all about love, dear ♪

♪ all about love ♪

♪ sit yourself down, take a seat ♪

♪ all you gotta do is repeat after me ♪

♪ a, b, c ♪

♪ it's easy as 1, 2, 3 ♪

♪ as simple as do-re-mi ♪

♪ a, b, c ♪

♪ 1, 2, 3 ♪

♪ baby, you and me, girl ♪

♪ a, b, c ♪

♪ it's easy as 1, 2, 3 ♪

♪ as simple as do-re-mi ♪

♪ a, b, c ♪

♪ 1, 2, 3 ♪

♪ baby, you and me, girl ♪

♪ c'mon let me love ya just a little bit ♪

♪ I'm a gonna teach you how to sing it loud ♪

♪ come-a, come-a, come on, let me show you what it's all about ♪ Help!

Help! Stuck!

♪ Are the branches on a learning tree ♪

♪ but without the roots of love everyday, girl ♪

♪ your education ain't complete ♪ all right, here I come. What's going on here?

Help! Help! Help!

I'm stuck!

Loser, loser.

♪ A, b, c ♪ loser.

♪ It's easy as 1, 2, 3 ♪

♪ as simple as do-re-mi ♪

♪ a, b, c ♪ oh! Hey, little man.

♪ Baby, you and me, girl ♪

♪ a, b, c ♪ I'd say this wasn't a bad tradeoff.

Yeah, dad.

♪ As simple as do-re-mi ♪

♪ a, b, c ♪

♪ 1, 2, 3 ♪

♪ baby, you and me, girl ♪

♪ now, get up, girl ♪

♪ show me what you can do ♪

♪ shake it, shake it, baby ♪

♪ come on, now, shake it, shake it, baby ♪

♪ ooh, shake it, shake it, baby ♪

♪ 1,2,3, baby ♪

♪ a, b, c, baby ♪

♪ do-re-mi, baby ♪

♪ that's how easy love can be ♪

♪ 1, 2, 3 ♪

♪ you and me ♪%

And, action.

We can spend...

You know, we can't spend money without having it.

Hold on one second.

What, are you being beamed up?

It's captain kirk.

It is!

Action.

Hey, what are you doing to me?

Pudding on my hand.

OK, wait a minute.

Take you for instance, I would never push you in a sticker bush.

You couldn't push me.

No, I'd use a shovel on you.

Busy.

Some other kids around here hanging out with you.

How that sound?

Whoa! See, you going to have to work on it.

Mazel Tov.

Remember when you broke my yo-yo?

I broke... and you... and you never gave me a new one.

That's why you sent me to bed.

Wow, you've been writing.

No, I can't... I can't even write my letters.

What's going on here?

You're killing me.

You're really killing me.

Joe Frazier's smokin' skillets!

These skillets were made in the city of brotherly love.

That's good... that's a good thing.

OK, Eddie.

They gave you a little too much direction, didn't they?

OK, stop before you pee on yourself.

What is my line?

"I'll sell all my toys."

I'll sell all my toys.

I'll say my other line over again, because I messed it up. So let me say it again. I say, "you..." action!

OK, thank you.

Let it go for a second. There.

Thank you.

That's why I know we haven't been to the moon.

Miss harridan says it's preparing me for my future.

You hungry?

Yeah.

What do you feel like eating?

I want a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

I don't know.

After this scene.

If I give you...

What's so funny?