Dad's Army (2016) Script

Lundt, sir. He's back. Do we pick him up?

There'll be a contact. I want both.

Very good, sir.

What now?

We wait.

For his contact.

Christ!

There is no contact.

Lundt! MI5! Don't move!

If it reaches the coast, we've lost the bloody war.


Ah! Oh. Oh.

Blimey, Joe. How'd you do that, then?

Oh, you know me. Charm the birds from the trees.

Nice shot, boys.

How many? Six.

Two bob the lot. Now hop it.

Ugh!

What's the matter with you? Oh.

Finest British protein, that is.

Off-rations for Jonesy.

Come on, Daph. Give us a cuddle.

Joe! Joe! Oh, blimey!

Can't you see I'm in the middle of something?

You're wanted in Barton's Field!

They've found him!

I'm too young to die.

Do be quiet, Frank.

And I'm too old.

Hold your nerve, men.

Keep low.

Godfrey, can't you go any lower?

I'll try to, sir, but I'm not sure I'll be able to get up again.

I glimpsed him, sir, just up ahead.

Good work, Jones.

He's been on the run. He'll be tired and hungry.

Try and take him alive, but if he won't come quietly, you know what to do.

They don't like it, sir.

They don't like it. Quiet, Jones!

Uh...

Follow me.


Wait for my command.

There he is, sir.

Stand your ground, men.

Jones.

Very slowly, pass me the halter.

Jones?

Very slowly... Jones.

Jones?

There's a good bull. Eh. Good bull.

Wilson, do something!

Do what, sir?

Anything! Just do something!

Godfrey!

Ole. Ole. Follow me.

Okay, now. Sit. Sit.

He's licking his lips.

He's licking his lips! Uncle Arthur!

Frank, pull yourself together!

Behind you, sir, behind you!

Yes. Help!

Go on, Cedric!

Thank you!

Another successful operation.

Are you out of your tiny, wee mind?

We're supposed to be locking horns with the Hun, not Bertie the bull.

Yes, well, until that day comes, Frazer, we must remain sharp.

Ah! What, like you, for instance?

I thought he was gonna eat me, Uncle Arthur.

Men.

My whole life just flashed before my eyes.

Men.

Let's get you home.

You never know when Jerry might strike.


Who do you think you are kidding, Mr. Churchill?


Attention to detail, ladies!

The sooner we get the wounded back on their feet, the sooner we shall win this war.

How's that, George?

It's really rather painful, dear.

It's your own fault. You stood on a land mine.

Up a bit.

You've been shot in the leg, Joe.

I know, but it goes all the way up to my...

Hold still, you big baby!

I'll not take much more of this.

First, I'm bull bait, now I'm Long John Silver!

Lift your arm, Mr. Godfrey. All right.

You've been shot in the chest.

Have I? Oh, dear.

Will I be all right? Yes.

Wonderful sights.

Man and woman united in common cause.

Thanks to us.

I don't know what we'd do without them.

Captain Mainwaring. Mmm?

Ah!

Morning, Vicar.

Telephone for you.

And the Morris dancers have booked the hall for 1:00.

I do hope you're not going to run over.

There is a war on, you know, Vicar.

If we're not finished, they'll just have to prance about outside.

Mainwaring.

You'll have to speak up.

Colonel Theakes, here.

Morning, sir.

Not another bull, is it?

Just had Brigadier Pritchard on the blower from HQ.

It's all hands on deck.

And how are you today, Mr. Godfrey?

I've been shot in the chest, you know.

Have you really?

Well, a nice spot of tea will do you the world of good.

Oh.

This is a waste of time.

I should be going to France with the rest of them.

Oh, it's not your fault you've got flat feet.

People think I'm a boy. I'm not. I'm a man.

Tea's up.

Ooh, cake! Bagsy the pink one!

And you know what he's like.

If he don't get three square meals a day in him, he cries.

Mainwaring?

Frank. You're not listening, Arthur.

He's taking Vera to the pictures again tonight.

He's quite smitten with her, he is.

You want some?

Oh.

You might pop around.

I've got a rather nice pigeon off-rations from Walker.

Oh, it's your favorite bird.

I don't know about that.

Oh, stop it, Arthur.

Listen, men. Listen.

I have excellent news.

Colonel Theakes has given us a new mission.

What is it this time? Wash his car? Feed his horses?

There's a line in the sand, Mainwaring, and you've crossed it.

He's asked us to patrol the Allied invasion base at Dover.

Good heavens. Blimey.

This is it, men.

Our chance to play a real part in this war.

At last, Captain. We're champing at our bits, aren't we, lads?

In the meantime, we shall get back on the downs for camouflage practice.

Into the van, men, at the double.

Did he say cauliflower?

No, no, camouflage. Camouflage.

Camouflage. Okay. Try to listen.

We're all together now

Now, this is just what the men need, Wilson.

Yes, yes, thank you, Jones. Thank you, thank you.

Yes, they've been dragging their feet a bit lately.

Yes, they have been a bit lax.

There's no need for Latin, Wilson.

If the King's English is good enough for him, it's good enough for you.

You're not at Cambridge now, you know.

Oxford, actually, sir.

In the light of the forthcoming mission, we shall adapt today's exercise.

One of the men shall be a Nazi spy.

We'll drop him off at the crossroads.

Are you sure that's wise, sir?

Meanwhile, we shall lie in wait and attempt to intercept him.

Lying in wait sounds awfully damp, don't you think, sir?

Pull over, Jones. Pull over, Jones.

Pulling over, sir.

I want a word with you, Wilson.

How dare you question my authority in front of the men?

Well, I just don't want anyone catching a cold.

You know what Frank's like.

Are we nearly there yet?

As you were, Pike.

You're trying to undermine me, usurp my position.

I'm really doing nothing of the kind.

Hurry up. Godfrey's gotta go.

Yes, well, it won't work, you know.

These pips say it all.

You waft along with that superior look on your face.

No backbone, that's your trouble.

Well, I'm not sure that's entirely fair.

Really? Well, here's your chance to prove it.

You're our Nazi for the day.

Really? Auf Wiedersehen, Mr. Wilson.

Very good, men. Breaking up the outline.

You're not taking this seriously, are you, Walker?

How'd you know it was me?

No, thank you, Pike.

Ah!

You put some thought into this, Jones.

Thank you, Captain.

Mrs. Fox lent it me from last year's production of Robin Hood.

I'm a tiny bit of Sherwood Forest.

Ah...

Godfrey?

You look like you're on a cruise to the South Seas.

Thank you so much, sir. That's very kind of you.

I got the idea from a picture I saw last week, South of Pago Pago.

I thought it was rather open air.

Take it off.

Captain, might I be excused, please?

Certainly not.

Now, listen, men.

Sergeant Wilson's mission is to reach our flag undetected.

So, we all need to keep our eyes peeled at all times.

Listen! Something's coming.

If I know Wilson, he'll have charmed his way into a lift.

Conceal yourselves, men. Wait for my signal.

Oh.

What's up, Mr. Godfrey?

Ah...

Oh...

Good Lord. At the double, men!

Halt, Nazi spy, or get all shot.

Madam, I'm most terribly sorry.

I thought I saw a tree move.

I had to, Captain.

Mr. Godfrey wanted to use me as a convenience.

I'm afraid my call of nature called rather loudly.

I fear we mistook you for a Nazi spy.

Yes, thank you, Walker.

Miss Winters, Associated Press.

Captain Mainwaring, Walmington Home Guard.

What a coincidence.

I'm doing an article on the Home Guard of Walmington-on-Sea.

For The Lady magazine.

Us? In a real magazine?

We're going up in the world, lads.

Well, you come highly recommended.

Yes, well, I certainly like to think we'd give Jerry a run for his money.

You've joined us in mid-operation.

We're on the lookout for a spy.

But don't worry, we'll catch him.

Not much gets past us, I can tell you.

Uh...

You're nasty.

Would you like a stab?

Permission to speak, sir.

What is it, Jones? Well, this bag.

It doesn't exactly bring my blood to the boil.

Well, I could stand behind if you like. I speak a little German.

Is that true, Godfrey? Shall have to keep an eye on him.

Yes, one of my nannies was from Leipzig.

Beautiful woman. Greta, her name was.

All right, all right, get behind the sack!

Now, incense me in the Nazi tongue.

You Nazi pig dog, you! I strike you thusly!

And thusly!

Excellent, Jones.

Hey, don't put your back out, mind.

What did you say, Godfrey?

What? What, sir?

I said, "Have you brushed your teeth, my angel?"

You see, I never used to like brushing my own teeth.

All right, Godfrey. All right, all right.

She would do it for me, sometimes.

Yes, all right. Thank you, Godfrey.

Carry on, Corporal. Very good, Godfrey.

All right, men. Assume position!

First group, ready!

And charge!

Second group, ready!

It's a privilege to watch you all.

Ah...

They're a decent bunch. We do what we can.

They'd clearly do anything for you.

Must be that smile.

Where on Earth has my sergeant got to?

Anyone for honey?

Wilson? It is, actually, sir.

How the dickens did you evade that...

I do believe I won the exercise, sir.

You did nothing of the sort, not dressed like that.

You're disqualified.

I thought I was being resourceful.

You were being devious and underhand.

It's no way for a spy to behave.

Rose?

It can't be!

Arthur?

What a remarkable thing.

I'm sorry, Captain.

Mr. Wilson was my tutor at Oxford.

Remarkable.

Uh...

Wilson, take the men home.

I shall be driving Miss Winters up to Sully Point.

Oh, might I, sir?

We have such a great deal to catch up on. Certainly not.

Oh, captain, please, I insist.

I've taken up far too much of your time.

Well, if that's what you'd prefer.

Wilson.

Shall we? My earring.

My earring, I've dropped it. It's very precious.

Fan out, men. Fan out. Oh, no.

Earring alert. Earring alert.

I absolutely must find it.

Earring! Fan out! Earring!

What are we looking for exactly?

Earring! Earring!

Earring alert. Fan out, men.

Oh, I've got it. Here it is. Here it is.

I'm Frank. Well done, Pike.

Frank Pike. Oh, my knight in shining armor.

Ooh.

Well, I look forward to getting to know you more in the coming days.

England can sleep soundly knowing that you're watching over her.

Sir. Thank you.

Bye-bye.

Cheerio. Bye.


Is that everything?

Ah. Allow me. Oh, no, it's...

No, it's... It's my, it's my...

No, I'll, I'll... It's my typewriter.

Oh. I want to get a start on the article.

First impressions, you understand.

Hmm.

Might we have tea tomorrow? Say 5:00?

Well, that would be...

Oh, no, there's a briefing on some patrol thingy.

Patrol? Yes, of the Dover base.

Dinner afterwards, then?

There must be somewhere in town.

Well, yes, there's The Oak Hotel, but...

7:00. I insist.

Right. Yes.

How nice. Thank you, Rose.

Goodbye.

Oh.

I want you to have a word with Frank.

He's got it into his head he wants to be a Spitfire pilot.

He gets dizzy standing on a chair.

Well, he lives in his head, that's his trouble.

Ah.

Must have been a racer.

Where do you keep your...

He told me about that journalist woman.

Arthur?

Shall I roll out the pastry?

Frank said you drove her home.

Did I?

Oh, yes, that's right, I believe I did.

Ever so glamorous, Frank said.

Really? I hadn't noticed.

Just you remember which side your bread's buttered.

Pass me that bird.

Here you go.

Thank you for taking me to the pictures again, Frank. It was...

It was ever so romantic.

Thanks for walking me home.

Mum doesn't like me being out after dark.

Ooh.

What're you doing?

Kissing you. What's wrong with that?

People only kiss like that in the films!

That's what you think.


Morning, Miss Winters. Corporal Jones.

A butcher by trade.

But a soldier by nature, ma'am.

More notches on my rifle than you've had hot dinners.

Not that you've had too many hot dinners.

You've a fine fettle of a figure, if I may say.

Here.

Welcome to Walmington.

Thank you, Mr. Jones.

Good day.

I saw that, Jack Jones.

You just slipped her a sausage.

I didn't mean nothing by it.

And you never stamped her book, neither.

Good morning.

Lovely morning.

Quite, quite lovely.

Daphne Longfoot. Charmed, I'm sure.

Rose. Rose Winters.

You look busy, Mister...

Frazer. Frazer.

Yes, well, with the invasion any day now, I expect business to be brisk.

Yes.

Private Walker. Call me Joe.

Very young for the Home Guard, Joe. Didn't you enlist?

Color blind.

Oh. Thought it was an allergy to corned beef.

Yeah, that and all.

All right, lads?

You need anything for that article of yours, Miss Winters, foolscap, ribbons, you just let me know.

Will do.

Bonny, bonny lass.

William Hodges, ma'am, air-raid warden.

Of course, it's me you should be talking to, not the Home Guard.

I'm the one who gets things done around here.

Gas masks, air-raid warnings... We are in your debt.

I'm rushed off me feet.

Cheerio. Ta-ta.

Look at the color, the cut.

I'm telling you, it's Chanel.

I'd know it anywhere.

Chanel in Walmington?

She seems ever so interested in hearing about your brother's cabbages, Miss Godfrey.

She seems most civilized.

They said that about the Ripper.

I won the war against snails this year.

Salt, that's the answer.

Salt?

Carry on.

She'll be taking our men next.

Mr. Sponge said she kissed your Frank, and not on the cheek.

I'd look closer to home if I was you, Mrs. Fox.

She had a big smile on her face when she came out that butcher's just now.

What's that supposed to mean?

Handsome woman.

Is she?

Wouldn't know.

Seems a good sort.

To be writing about us, I mean.

Seeing her again after so long is really rather discombobulating.

Well, you know, confusing.

Yes, I know what discombob... Discombobu...

I know what it means, Wilson.

So, you knew her at Oxford.

I was her tutor for a while.

But you two weren't...

Weren't...

Well, it looked like maybe you were...

Were...

Or had been, you know.

Hmm?

Oh.

That? No! No, no, no.

Good Lord, no. Jolly good.

Important we're clear.

Parade at 6:00. Don't be late.

Morning. Good morning.

Take these through to the cashier, would you, Wilson?

Certainly, sir.

What are you doing, Pike? Stupid...

Platoon, fall in!

Platoon, right turn!

Two, three, one! By the left.

Quick march!

Uh...

Mr. Frazer, Mr. Godfrey, about turn!

Sorry, everyone.

Platoon, right turn!

Now, Miss Winters, may I say, you do look lovely tonight.

I beg your pardon.

Ah!

Colonel.

I didn't mean you look lovely.

No, no, no, of course not. Far from it.

Not that you look unlovely. I'm sure to many you are lovely.

Not really my area.

About the patrol.

Ah. Yes, a great honor.

Sergeant Wilson will be here any moment for your briefing.

We'll crack on without him. Golf club do. Wife in the car.

Your orders are simple, Mainwaring.

You're to stick to the coastal path at all times.

Do not approach the base in any way. Understood?

Not approach the base? But surely we need...

Are you questioning an order, Mainwaring?

As you know, the Home Guard have been asked for cuts to help with the big push into France.

Has it?

We'll be reviewing the troops.

Sorting the wheat from the chaff, as it were.

I won't beat about the bush.

Walmington feels chaffy.

My men are as keen as mustard, sir.

Your sergeant doesn't seem to be.

First patrol, this Saturday, 0900. Put on a good show.

There's no better way of saving the platoon.

Must dash.

We should get together sometime, play a round with the wives.

Barbara loves a four-ball.

Carry on, old man.

Chaffy.

Platoon, fall in!

Attention!

Where is Sergeant Wilson?

In bed, I shouldn't wonder.

Caught a chill up on the downs.

Poppycock.

Saw him coming out of the gent's outfitters on the High Street just an hour ago looking happier than a kitten on a cow's udder.

I like your tie. What?

Oh, really? This? Do you?

Well, it's just a... Pfft.

I often thought of you over the years, Arthur.

Teaching, Whitehall, perhaps, but never in Walmington-on-Sea.

Well, it has its charms.

You were such a good teacher, Arthur.

Well, I don't remember teaching you anything.

You seemed to know it all already.

You were so handsome, dashing...

I haven't dashed anywhere for years.

Age has only improved you, Arthur.

Well...

Well, I better be off.

That night at the summer ball, do you remember?

I so wanted you to kiss me.

Didn't you want to kiss me?

Well, I suppose.

Well, I was your tutor, and there were rules.

Oh. Rules.

Strangled the life out of this country.

Tell me about your briefing with Colonel Theakes.

I didn't go.

Oh.

But I want to write about your patrol in my article.

Don't worry. Mainwaring will tell you everything tomorrow.

You'll have a job stopping him.

Chaffy.

Chaffy.

My platoon is not chaffy.

Public school boy.

Mmm?

Yeah, Theakes has met his match with me.

I shall make sure Miss Winters' article is so glowing about us, they'll have to pin medals on the lot of us.

Come to bed.

I'm on top tonight.

I'm asleep, George.

Sleep well, dear.

I'll be lucky.

Trapped wind again.

Arthur.

Oh.

Good morning.

Ah. Good morning.

Where was you last night?

Oh. Last night as in last night?

You was at The Oak with Miss Winters.

Was I?

Oh, yes, that's right, I was, yeah.

Catching up on old times.

Oh...

You look dreadful. Well.

You didn't come for your breakfast.

Good Lord, I'm late for work.

Mrs. Todd said you proper pushed the boat out.

Woolton pie, jam roly-poly.

Mavis, you have nothing to worry about.

I promise you.

If you want roly-poly, Arthur, I'll give you roly-poly.

And my roly-poly will knock her roly-poly into a cocked hat.

8:00, after parade, roly-poly.

Mmm.

Don't be late.

Roly-poly.

Oh, Miss Winters.

I say, Miss Winters.

We're so confused, aren't we, Cissy?

Our brother, Charles, told us that you're writing an article on the Home Guard for The Lady magazine.

Yes. But they just did one.

We subscribe, you see.

And they never do two of anything. No.

It's a follow-up article.

The first was so well received, they commissioned another.

Oh.

Well, that would explain it.

Excuse me, ladies.

Captain Mainwaring.

Ah!

Miss Winters. What a pleasant surprise.

I was on my way to see you. Are you busy?

My little break. Perhaps you'd join me.

They do a very passable Chelsea bun.

I'd be delighted.

Better before the war, of course.

These days, it's a case of "spot the currant."

But one mustn't grumble.

Mmm...

I do like your dress, Miss Winters.

Oh, thank you, Vera.

You can have the pattern if you like.

Oh.

Well, I don't know what to say.

Oh.

Good of you.

Well, a woman should always look her best, especially at wartime, don't you agree?

I think you do, splendidly.

I'm keen for you to get to know the platoon, not just as soldiers but as men. Mmm.

Brave, dedicated, honest to a fault.

Nylons, Miss Winters?

Fresh off the back of a lorry, if you know what I mean.

Walker, Miss Winters and I are discussing military matters.

Of course you are!

Life in the old dog yet, ey?

Yeah.

Arms to the shoulder line!

Left, right, left, right.

In short, I shall do everything in my power to make your article as informative and positive as possible.

Are you?

Oh, yes.

Thank you.

Well, I expect nothing less from a natural leader like yourself.

Well, I...

Would you mind just taking off your spectacles for me?

Whatever for?

Very well.

Ah.

I knew it.

There's a glint.

A certain fire in the eyes.

You remind me of someone.

Really?

I wonder who that could be.

Churchill.

Winston Churchill.

Really? You have so many of his qualities.

Never given it much thought, but I suppose I do.

It's uncanny!

I like to think that if we met, we'd both be the richer for it.

Oh, yes.

Why don't you join us at parade tonight?

I shall be briefing the platoon on the patrol, stiffening their resolve, and endeavoring to inspire them in some small way, perhaps.

Well. Until tonight, then.

Good God.

Eyes front!


What's that, Wilson?

Oh.

Nothing. What's that, sir?

Nothing.

Fall the men in, Jones.

Platoon, fall in!

Attention!

Sorry I'm late. I was writing up my notes, Captain.

I quite understand.

As Julius Caesar himself once said, "Preparation is all."

One of my inspirations, you know.

Murdered by his own men.

Thank you. Conquered all before him.

You know, veni, vidi...

Eh...

Gather around.

Evening, Miss Winters. Good evening.

Now, listen, men.

You all know, you can ask me...

You all know that you can ask me anything, be it of a professional, pastoral, or indeed, a philosophical nature.

I have a question, Captain.

What if life is really a dream?

When I said philosophical, what I meant was...

I worry about that sometimes, sir, that we're all of us, nothing but the dancing spirits of the night.

Jones. I'm not sure I like that idea.

What, the spirits or the dancing?

Just thinking about it is giving me goosebumps. Look.

When you're dead, you're dead.

I've never buried anybody yet who wasn't. Well, maybe, just the once.

Wouldn't it be terrible, sir, if none of us really existed?

I mean, who would I sell my sausages to?

If life's a dream, Jonesy, you'd still have to be alive, so you could fall asleep and dream they're buying them.

Yes, thank you, Walker.

Walker! Settle down. Settle down, men.

Settle down.

Now, men.

Uh, Wilson.

Now, men, I have...

Oh.

What's up with his face?

Rigor mortis, with a bit of luck.

Now, men, I have decided after due and diligent deliberation, to pinpoint our preliminary patrol position, here.

In the middle of the Channel. That's interesting.

You need some new specs, Captain?

I've got some lovely ones just come in.

Uh...

Here, and end it...

Ah!

Here.

Wilson! All right, sir?

We shall patrol in pairs.

So, it would be awfully nice if you could stay on the lookout for enemy agents and that sort of thing.

Yes, my sergeant and I will now demonstrate.

Wilson.

Observe how keenly we scan the land, the sea, and the sky.

Alert to attack from every quarter, like coiled springs.

All springs are coiled, Wilson.

Look! I see something.

Almost had my eye out. A parachutist.

Well, I saw him at the same time as you, sir.

You don't need to point, I was doing the pointing.

Two dogs, one bone.

In one jock.

When I'm already pointing.

One moment, men.

Come along.

What on Earth is the matter?

I'm not sure what you mean, sir.

You're all puffed up. Trying to impress Miss Winters?

I thought that was what you wanted.

Copying everything I do?

Stop it this instant. That's an order.

Any questions? Any questions?

We need a pose.

Beg your pardon?

Well, we're going to be in a magazine.

We need a pose, something heroic but menacing, like Errol Flynn in The Sea Hawk.

Stupid boy.

How about this?

There won't be any need for poses.

Miss Winters won't be joining us on patrol.

What? Order, order.

Men, men. Order, please.

Only authorized personnel will be joining us on the coastal path.

Platoon is the subject of her article, not the patrol.

I understand one or two of you have brought along some personal items you'd like to share with her.

Who'd like to go first?


Evening, Mavis.

I'm just stretching my legs.

Likewise, I'm sure.

Thank you, Frazer.

Frazer.

George!

Where are your glasses?

Hello, dear.

Just resting my eyes.

Don't! It makes you look piggy.

Come along.

Come on, Joe. Darts night.

I don't play darts. You do now.

Frank.

Lifeboat's on in Eastgate.

Can't you see I'm busy?

Frank, where's Arthur?

Mavis. What a...

What a lovely surprise.

New suit, Arthur?

Uh, what? No, no, no. It's...

You can wear it for what's left of your dinner.

Elizabeth Mainwaring, ATS. Officer, First Class.

Rose Winters. You do a marvelous job.

I believe in fighting for what's ours and crushing the enemy underfoot.

Don't you?

I'll say good night, Mrs. Mainwaring.

George.

Night, Frank.

Time and tide, George.

"Cottage, 4:00 p.m. Please come."

George!

Coming, dear.


Hello, Joe. Oh. Strike a light!

I thought you was Old Bill.

Quite a hoard you have here.

I take it you don't believe in rationing.

Well, keep your head down and earn a few bob, that's what I believe in.

Since they shut off the army base, I've got a right backlog.

I'm making up for lost time.

Captain Mainwaring said you're not going near the base.

Once I'm inside the compound, there'll be no stopping me.

You know, I should really report this.

Come on, then.

We all have our price, Miss Winters.

What's yours?

Petrol? Navy Cut? Bootleg French perfume?

Chanel No.5?

When you go to the base, take me with you.

You're not coming on the patrol.

You're not the only who knows how to get what they want, Joe.

Of course, this will be quilted for extra comfort on your eternal slumber.

Yes, I'd be quite happy to decompose in this.

We'll take two, Mr. Frazer.

I don't suppose you would consider a discount.

Well, to avail yourself of that, you would both have to pass on before the end of the month.

Oh. We're not ready to go quite yet, are we, Cissy?

Mother lived to 101.

Miss Winters, one moment!

Miss Winters.

Cissy rang The Lady magazine in London to inquire about your follow-up article.

And they know nothing about it, or you.

You're on the run from the police.

You killed a man with your umbrella.

Oh, I do apologize, Miss Winters.

She is cursed with a romantic spirit.

I know.

You're a secret agent.

A German spy sent here to discover the invasion plans and bring the Allies to their knees.

I'm afraid the truth is far less colorful than that, ladies.

I work for the Associated Press.

They place all their articles uncredited.

I hope that's cleared up the confusion for you.

Good day.

Hello, Captain. Welcome.

I do like your hat.

Oh. This old thing?

Please, come on in. Yeah.

Sorry about the manner of my invitation.

No, no.

No. Not at all.

I was hoping you'd tell me more about your unique leadership style.

Well, I'm not one to blow my own trumpet, but I lead by example.

There's nothing I would ask my men to do that I would not do myself.

Hmm.

Cake?

It's rather small, I'm afraid.

We eat as a free people, not under the Nazi heel.

One thing my men know for sure,

the jackboot will not tread upon this hallowed land while there is breath in this...

Are you all right?

Gone down the wrong way.

You speak so eloquently, Captain.

Have you never committed your thoughts to paper?

No, there's not enough hours in the day, I'm afraid.

Leadership is many things, Miss Winters.

Rose, I insist.

Leadership is many things, Rose.

But most of all, it's about vision.

Oh.

Oh.

Cake on the floor. Cake on the... You're quite right, though.

So sorry.

Europe is crying out for a man of vision, clarity, even ruthlessness.

Quite.

Get the trains running on time.

I believe you're destined to play a huge part in this war, George.

Really?

I do hope so.

I'm only sorry I won't be able to write about it.

But you must.

What is the matter?

It's my editor.

He said if I don't write about your patrol in my article, then he won't publish it.

Come, now. Here.

Maybe if your editor insists upon it, then...

What?

Maybe you should...

Rose?

Wilson. Hello?

What's he doing here?

I have no idea.

One moment. Hello?

No, no.

I'm not here. I'm in Eastbourne with my area manager.

"A thing of beauty is a joy forever.

"Its loveliness increases..."

Arthur, this is not the time.

Sorry. I'll come back.

No, I won't!

I've been doing that all my life, saying I'll come back when I wanted to stay, staying when I wanted to go.

Rose, that night at the summer ball, I wanted to kiss you very, very much.

I should have kissed you, like this.

Sorry.

I had feelings for you then, Rose. I still do.

Perhaps I haven't been everything I could have been, but perhaps it's not too late.

Perhaps I still could be, with a little help from someone, someone like you.

Rose, guess who!

Frank? What's he doing here? I have no idea.

One moment.

I've come to find you.

"Here's looking at you, kid."

Frank, you've been drinking.

Mum's ginger wine. It don't half make you squiffy.

I got your note. I can read between the lines.

I know what you're really saying.

See, you're a woman and I'm a man.

With a drawn on moustache.

I'm Errol Flynn.

Kiss me. Frank!

Mum? I know you're in there.

Frank? I got this licked, sugar.

Can you hear me?

Mum?

You get yourself out here, now.

I've got an announcement to make.

Look at the state of you.

Me and Miss Winters are in love.

Don't be ridiculous.

Good afternoon, sir.

Wilson.

Out. Now.

The window. Quickly.

George. George. The patrol.

Can I come?

Yes, of course.

There you...

How dare you lead my little boy astray.

You stay away from him.

From both of 'em.

Wilson.


Get in.

Taking in the air, Mainwaring?

Recceing an exercise for the men, sir.

Yes, well, we're all busy.

I've got a ten-footer on the eighth for a half.

Cunningham. Meeks.

From MI5. Captain, we have a situation.

We've picked up an enemy radio signal sent from this area.

To the Abwehr in Berlin.

An enemy spy is operating somewhere near here.

Codename Cobra, no less.

He'll be after information on the Dover base.

Operation Bodyguard was set up a year ago to keep Hitler guessing about the invasion.

Decoys, deception, that sort of thing.

This could cost us the war, Captain.

If you see anything in the least suspicious, call us.

We're counting on you.

It could be anyone, Mainwaring.

Enemy radio signal...

Enemy spy is operating somewhere near here.

It could be anyone, Mainwaring.

Anyone.

She's old enough to be your mother.

Creeping around there, declaring undying love.

Honestly, Frank, what were you thinking?

Who'd do a stupid, brainless thing like that?

Exactly. I mean...

Not your Uncle Arthur, that's for sure.

Frank.

Are you just gonna throw our life away?

Frank.

How have I upset you?

Uh.

I don't wanna lose you, Frank.

We're finished, Vera.

"You and I don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world."

Bye.

Bye.

I must go.

I may not be educated like her.

I may not be rich like her, or beautiful.

But God help me, Arthur Wilson, I love you, and I'm not giving you up without a fight.

Oh...

Night, Uncle Arthur.

Good night, son.

How was Mr. Gribbins?

Hmm?

He's your area manager.

You met him today in Eastbourne, apparently.

Oh, uh...

Fine. Fine.

I saw your trousers.

Tried to bite you, did he?

What's the matter? Have you seen a ghost?

Sorry, dear.

Rather a long day.


Evening, Mainwaring.

Evening.

Put that light out.

No.


Captain Mainwaring.

Mrs. Fox and I are doing a jigsaw puzzle, sir.

Bit of sky fell down the sofa.

We need to talk.

I'll say good night, then.

Unless you're going to burst in on me later, and have your wicked way.

Night, Mrs. Fox.

Jones, I want you to remain calm.

What I have to tell you is highly confidential.

What, a spy? A real one? Quiet, Jones.

You're the only person I've told.

How do you know, sir?

I've had a visit from MI5.

MI5? Why are you telling me?

You think it's me, don't you? You think I'm the spy.

You've come here to arrest me.

Of course not, Jones.

Sit down.

I've come here because I intend to catch him.

But things could get nasty, and you're the only one of us who's ever actually, you know...

Thusly. Aye, sir.

Thusly. Quite.

I may need you to dispatch him, Jones.

Sit tight for now. I shall be in touch.

Meantime, put an edge on that.

Very good, sir.

Don't panic, Jack. Don't panic.

It's easy.

Arthur. Rose.

I apologize about earlier.

Oh, no, don't.

I have feelings for you, too.

Seeing you again has brought them all back.

I'm leaving tomorrow night after the patrol.

I want you to come with me.

Tomorrow night?

Tomorrow night's bridge night.

I need your answer.

After the patrol.

Oh. Captain Mainwaring. Morning, ladies.

Captain Mainwaring, we have discovered something terribly exciting about Miss Winters.

Straight out of Greenmantle.

I can't stop. My country needs me.

Well, please yourself, Mr. Mainwaring.

Off to win the war, Napoleon?

Just you wait, Hodges.

Today is going to be the pinnacle of my military career.

Don't tell me, you're gonna collect Colonel Theakes's laundry?

Wilson. Morning, sir.

About yesterday, we're both men of the world.

Are we, sir?

Well, yes.

I suggest that we...

Draw a veil.

Precisely.

Consider it drawn.

Colonel, we're just about to set off.

MI5 have picked up another signal from the spy.

They've narrowed down his location, Mainwaring.

He's in Walmington.

Walmington? Good Lord.

They're putting a cordon round the town to flush him out.

I want your platoon at their disposal as soon as you've finished patrol.

You'd better let your men know.

Of course, Colonel.

It's imperative that he's caught, Mainwaring.

The Allies cross into France in 48 hours.

A spy? In Walmington?

I can feel it in my bones. Walmington?

I'll catch him, sir. What does he look like?

We don't know, Frank.

That's rather the point with spies.

His target is the army base at Dover.

We need to keep a close watch on those cliffs.

I want to catch him.

And make today the proudest in our history.


He's close by. I can feel him.

Uncle Arthur!

Uncle Arthur!

Do be quiet, Frank.

Ah.

I can see something, sir.

Where? Look.

Don't panic, Mr. Godfrey. Keep pointing.

I'll alert my commanding officer. What is it?

It's over there. Look. Can you see?

What is it, Godfrey?

It's a spy. A spy over there. See? There.

He's sending a signal.

What?

The spy.

Yes. White. White, brown. White, brown.

White, brown. White, brown. White, brown. White, brown.

White, brown. White... God.

As you were, men.

It's a rabbit.

Sir. Sir, are you sure it's not a tiny spy dressed as a rabbit?

These Nazi spies are a devious lot, sir.

What a fanciful notion, Jones.

This weighs a ton.

The base is just over the rise.

Carry this for me, would you, Jonesy?

Righto.

I'm just gonna take some samples over.

Here you go.

It's now or never.

It ain't half heavy, Mr. Jones.

No, light as a feather.

Are you all right, Mr. Jones?

Yeah, yeah, I'll be fine.

Come on, Rose. Thank you.

Blimey.

They've been busy.

What are you doing?

Well, a girl has to look her best.

Look, Mr. Jones, a kittiwake.

Whoa, whoa.

All right, Mr. Jones.

Don't you worry about me, Mr. Godfrey.

I'm strong as an ox and twice as hairy.

If I see the spy, I'm going to throw pepper in his eyes.

Whoa...

I might have to ask him to stand downwind of me, mind you, but...

Mr. Jones?

Mr. Jones?

Captain Mainwaring! Mr. Jones has gone over!

Oh, no.

He can't be.

To the beach, men, at the double.

Captain!

Jones?

Jones! He's alive.

Thank heavens. Hold on tight.

Don't panic.

I am panicking, sir. I can't help it.

Rope. We need rope, men.

Where's Walker?

He's gone to the base to get help.

Well, fetch him, Pike. Yeah.

Hold on, Jones.

Jones.

Joe! Joe, Mr. Jones has gone over. We need rope.

Hold on tight! We're coming.

Can you come fairly quickly, sir?

Terrible. I never got his measurements.

Yeah, that'll do.

Come on.

Tie it off, Jones! Tie it off.

Yeah, yeah, it's tied off. Chain's tied off, yeah.

Hold on tight, Jonesy. Pull him up, men.

One, two, three. Jonesy, you're safe as houses.

Pull! Hold on, Jones!

You okay?

Hold on, Jones!

I'm rotating, sir. I'm rotating.

Give me your hand, Jones! That's it.

Pull! Pull! Pull, men!

Jones, pull. That's it, well done.

Grab his arse. Well done.

Thank you, sir. I thought I was a goner.

My whole life flashed before my eyes.

At least I think it was my life.

Right, let's get this chain back to the base.

You gave me a real fright, Mr. Jones.

Right, up you come, Jonesy.

There's a sight for sore eyes, Walker?

Makes you proud to be British.

Stone the crows.

Here, the whole place is a fake!


Miss Winters.

Vera.

What brings you out here?

I saw you out on the sands.

It's Frank.

I know he's a silly boy, but he'll make a fine man one day.

I love him, Miss Winters.

Trouble is, he loves you.

Just a little crush, perhaps. Nothing to worry about.

Besides, I leave tonight.

Oh.

Oh.

Where are you off to next?

Paris? New York?

You life's so glamorous compared to mine.

What's that? You hear that?

Stay where you are.

I'm going home to Berlin.

It's a complete and utter balls-up.

Operation Bodyguard took yonks to put into place and you...

You have destroyed it in seconds, you imbecile.

The entire invasion plan will have to be put back now because of you until, I don't know, June.

And I'm meant to be going sailing in June.

My men have now secured all but one of the tanks, Brigadier.

It is quite possible that the spy saw absolutely nothing.

Captain Mainwaring! Captain Mainwaring!

Oh, yes, Napoleon. This is the pinnacle of your career, all right.

You are stripped of your rank with immediate effect.

Wilson, you have the command.

Oxford man, sir.

Good show.

The future of this platoon is under review.

Brigadier. Dismissed.

I'm sorry, sir. It's all my fault, falling off the cliff like that.

No, Jones.

Men,

it's been a privilege.

Upsy-daisy.

Arthur, I need your answer.

I'm not coming, Rose.

It's a dream of another life.

Didn't you hear him?

That MI5 are gonna question us all, first thing they get here.

But I don't know nothing.

They'll use the thumbscrews.

My train leaves in an hour.

Will you come and see me off?

For old times' sake?

Of course.

That's decided then.

Thank you, Vicar. Goodbye.

George, I thought you were on patrol.

So, it's been agreed.

The choir will form the head of the parade while the platoon brings up the rear.

Whatever you say, dear.

There's no point arguing about it.

George, you're white as a sheet.

I shan't be on parade.

I'm no longer a serving officer in the Home Guard.

I've been let go.

I beg your pardon?

They're thinking of disbanding the platoon 'cause of me.

All I ever wanted in this war was to do my bit.

Mainwaring residence.

Two nights ago, he invited me for a drink to talk about old times.

It was so awkward. He tried to kiss me.

Oh, the cad.

So I came in here and I heard a sound, like static or a transmitter or something.

He told me it was his wireless, but...

Good Lord.

Captain Pigeon ring!

The incriminalizing evidentials!

Some sort of code.

What sort of language is that?

German, perhaps.

Captain, look.

Oh, no.

1:24.

Still time.

Jones.

Sir, I want to tell you something in complete continence.

I've never killed a man.

What?

Fine time to tell me, Jones.

All those stories about the Sudan?

Well, I was there all right, sir. Army Catering Corps.

When I come back, I sort of emblemished the truth.

Who wants to know he went all the way to the Sudan to make tea?

Well, you know what they say.

"Cometh the hour, cometh the man."

Guten evening, Herr Wilson. Handies hoch.

I beg your pardon?

About to abscond, are we?

Sir, I'm not a spy.

Well, I shouldn't be surprised.

Your class has always had a talent for treachery.

This war will sweep your kind away, Wilson, and I for one will not mourn its passing.

You turn my stomach.

Coward!

I don't know what I'll do if they disband us.

My sisters like to play canasta in the evenings.

I find it all rather complicated.

I'm joining the ATS.

Darn sight prettier than you lot.

Well, look who's here.

Men who lost us the war.

That's most unkind, Mr. Hodges.

Who needs the enemy when we've got the Home Guard?

You're a shambles, the lot of you.

How dare you say that?

Mr. Frazer and Mr. Jones fought in the First War.

Mr. Godfrey was a stretcher bearer.

You're not fit to lick their boots.

And you wanna watch your lip, sunshine.

All you do is whistle at people.

"Put that light out! Put that light out!"

Shut your mouth, you little mummy's boy.

I'll have your guts for garters.

Behave yourself.

I have grave news, men.

Grave news indeed.

Well, look who it is.

The failure-in-chief.

Evidence has been found indicating Sergeant Wilson is the spy.

Sergeant Wilson? No, he's not good-looking enough.

He can't be the spy. He'd have told us.

It's over, Mainwaring. Go home, man.

You've been stripped of your command, stripped naked in the eyes of the world, and it's a terrible sight.

Corporal Jones and I have discovered a crystal radio set hidden under his desk and top-secret documents written in German.

No way. God, German.

I've locked him into the church hall until MI5 arrive.

I'm telling Mum.

In the meantime, I shall be reassuming command of the platoon.

I knew it, Captain. I never liked Wilson, anyway.

Well, I take no pleasure in this, Frazer, but a spy is a spy.

Oh, you've solved it, have you?

Oh, we had our suspicions from the start, didn't we, Cissy?

We just couldn't put our finger on it.

Turns out it was staring us in the face.

Miss Winters is a foreign agent.

Miss Winters, a spy? She can't be. She's a woman.

I shall go and break the news to her at Sully Point.

I'm coming with you.

Good of you, Walker, but I think I should go alone.

Meet me at the church hall in an hour, and we shall discuss a guard rota for the traitor Wilson.

Dolly dear, what did you mean it was staring you in the face?

Miss Winters' clothes, of course.

That Chanel dress in particular.

So, we phoned the fashion house in Paris to ask if anyone there knew her.

A very nice young man in records confirmed that she bought regularly from their collections, and they sent them directly to her home.

That was the missing piece of the jigsaw, wasn't it, Cissy?

But what was it?

Ooh. The address, Silly Billy.

Miss Winters lives in Berlin.

Berlin.

Well, come on, look lively.

Godfrey, let's go.

Berlin.

Berlin, yeah. Lovely.

Why were you there, Arthur?

Were you really leaving me and Frank?

I've been standing at a crossroads, Mavis.

Staring down a road I never took.

I wasn't leaving you. I went to say goodbye to her.

My life is here with you, dearest, and with Frank.

I know that now.

Release him, Jonesy.

I've always said it, the man's as innocent as a newborn babe.

He's a Nazi spy.

We caught him at the station about to abscons.

Abscond, Jonesy.

Rose Winters asked me to see her off.

She's the spy or my name's not James Donald Nathrachean Frazer.

Yes, you see, my sisters found out, she lives in Berlin.

They're frightfully clever, those two.

Later, if you wouldn't mind, Mr. Godfrey.

Yes.

Jones, untie me. Give it here, Jack.

No hard feelings, I hope, Sergeant?

Even when you was a Nazi pig dog, I still felt warmly towards you.

Uncle Arthur, the Coast Guard just spotted a U-boat off Sully Point.

Real Germans. Permission to panic, Sergeant.

Permission denied. It'll be her escape route.

Where's Mainwaring?

Blimey. I forgot.

He's gone after her.

He's in danger. Jones, the rifles.

Very good, sir.

We can't just go storming down there mob-handed.

They'll see us coming a mile off.

Not if we go in camouflage.

We'd give a lovely marran grass effect with all this hay.

Excellent! Men, the hay.

No, Arthur. I won't let you.

I have no choice.

Stop messing about.

At the double, Mr. Godfrey.

If you'd be so kind.

Miss Winters.

Miss Winters.

We've caught him.

Wilson, I mean.

Huge shock, I know.

Who knows what lurks in the hearts of men, etcetera?

I'm here if you need me.

A shoulder to cry on.

Good Lord. U-boat. U-boat!

You will play a big role in this war, Mainwaring, as the fool who lost England the war.

Churchill?

They don't like it up 'em.

Mrs. Pike, what's the matter?

Miss Winters is a spy.

The men have gone to Sully Point after her, and there's a U-boat!

They've got no backup.

Daphne, would you be kind enough to rustle us up some hardware?

Thanks to you, George, they'll be waiting in Normandy to drive the Allies back into the sea.

Help!

Help!

Help!

Vera.

Help!

Have you no heart?

I burn with passion to see my Fuhrer walk up Whitehall.

We will never surrender.

Coming, Vera!

Vera!

Cometh the hour.

Well done, Jonesy.

Next time, I won't be so kind-hearted!

Take cover, men!

Run, Captain! Come on.

Oh, sir.

Wilson.

Your command, sir. Welcome back.

Thank you, Wilson. Men!

We must prevent Miss Winters from escaping.

But first, we must rescue Vera Shilton from the incoming tide.

"It's a far better thing I do now than I have ever done."

Don't be silly, Frank.

Please don't!

Ronald Colman, A Tale of Two Cities.

I saw that. Basil Rathbone was frightfully good in that.

I'm coming, Vera! Frank, no!

Pike, get back here!

He'll never make it.

He's got flat feet.

I'm going after him.

No, you'll be cut to pieces.

I must.

We shall create a diversion.

Let me try something.

What did you say, Mr. Godfrey?

I said, "Where is my good-night snuggle, sweetheart?"

Frank!

Uncle Arthur, I'm scared.

Frank, it's not Betty Grable.

It's not Rita... What's the one with the red hair?

Hayworth. That's the one.

It's Vera.

Your real, live Vera.

Frank!

Need another diversion.

I'll give them something that'll put the fear of God into them.

Hey!

Run!

Vera!

Frank.

Excellent, Frazer.

I haven't finished yet, sir.

Quite enough, thank you.

Sod this for a game of soldiers.

Walker. Walker!

Walker, return to your position at once!

You're a yellow-bellied deserter!

We're doomed. Doomed!

Men...

I am a man of few words, but...

There comes a time in a soldier's life, when one must confront...

For God's sake, man, we're in enough trouble without you making a speech.

It's changing direction!

Look.

It can't be.

On my command, ladies.

Fire!

Ah!

She's getting away!

Captain, no!

Joseph Walker, you must be crazy.

Looks like you split your lederhosen

Auf Wiedersehen to you!

Joe.

Well, I'll be damned.

Meeks, alert the navy.

That U-boat does not leave the bay.

Very good, sir.

I fear we may be too late.

Oh, my...

He was a great captain.

The best.

Oh.

Look.

And the sea delivereth him.


Yours, I believe, gentlemen.

They've sealed off the bay.

Good show, Mainwaring.

Joe. Joe.

You're my hero.

Oh, leave it out, Daph.

Come on, then.

Mr. Jones, I'm in awe.

How can I possibly thank you?

You'll think of something.

I already have. Let's finish that puzzle, shall we?

Oh, Arthur, you saved him, our little boy.

Well, he's a man now, Mavis.

Good God.

Mavis, look away.

Shouldn't do that in front of people.

So, Jerry met his match.

Excellent work, Captain.

We couldn't have done it without you, Officer.

Elizabeth... Enough tosh, George.

You have a parade to lead.


Had my suspicions about Miss Winters from the start.

I couldn't tell anyone, of course.

Price of leadership.

Not bad for a shambles, Mr. Hodges?

Bravo, Mainwaring. I never doubted you.

Touch and go for a while, old friend, but we got there in the end.

Friend, sir?

Eyes front, shoulders back.

Sergeant in the Home Guard, not a sack of potatoes.

Thank you, sir. You really are most awfully kind.


Attention!

Where is Sergeant Wilson?

In bed, I shouldn't wonder. Caught a chill up on the downs.

Poppycock.

Saw him coming out of the...

Whose phone is that?

Sorry, sir. Mine.

Godfrey, take that phone out!

Sorry, sir. Turn it off immediately!

Sorry, sir. Sorry.

Take it out!

I can't get it out, sir.

I've told him.

Take the...

Walker, help him with his phone.

Walker, get a job...

Frazer, stop talking and help him with his phone.

I've got it now. I got it, sir.

Would you hold it?

I don't think that's period.

Corporal Jones and I have discovered a crystal radio set in...

Under his desk and top-secret documents written in German.

I've locked him into the church hall until...

Perhaps I should start on the less celebrated achievements of the platoon.

Now, affected by a plague of hedgehogs, several of us undertook to clear the farm using only a hosepipe and two strands of lead piping.