Idiot. Hell, no, I won't marry you. Gosh!
What would you do if you were in a situation like this? Gosh!
Gosh! Gosh! Gosh!
DON'T VOTE FOR PEDRO
JULIA JONES'S Diary
Dear Diary, I had that nightmare again. weight 389 lbs. cigarettes 1,42 per day Alcohol units - Tara Reid status I fear I'll never get married.
L Maybe I am destined to be a sad old spinster...
...whose only companionship comes from an absurd amount of cats.
No, that won't be me!
I believe in true love.
My knight in shining armor is out there somewhere...
...and I'm gonna find him.
Look here, Julia.
When you gonna find a man and get married?
You looking old, fat, and saggy.
And the mole on your forearm, it's growing a mole.
Let's put some hummus on it.
Baby, you gotta find a man.
In our race to protect our Greek heritage--
Yes, yes, yes. And my heritage too.
Let us not forget, you're also one half Indian.
-Your mother's right. -Big sister, we also Japanese.
So you're telling me I have to marry a guy who's a Greek-Indian-Japanese-Jew?
Baby, you're acting like that's hard to find. I mean, look around. They everywhere.
You're Greek, right?
Yeah. And Indian and Japanese and a Jew.
You wanna go out with my daughter?
No, I don't like redheads. Sorry.
Dad, I know I'm no beauty, but I'm not gonna settle.
I respect our heritage, but I believe love is blind.
Somewhere out there is my true love.
No! Back to work.
-More coffee? -Excellent.
Jolly good. I quite fancy some...
...more coffee, actually.
Pick up! Pick up!
-Okay. -Pick up!
hitch Feeling all alone? hitch'll find you someone to bone
HITCH - DATE DOCTOR M.D., Ph.D., DDS...OBGYN
Oh, hell, no!
-You're Hitch? -You got a problem with that?
Please, I'm desperate.
Even I can't help you, and I found Star Jones a husband.
Shit. Come on in.
Thanks for seeing me. I heard you're the best.
You're goddamn right I'm the best!
Look at all the couples I'm responsible for.
You got Brad and Jen.
Jessica and Nick.
Ben and Gwyn.
Ben and Jen.
Ben and Jen.
Ben and Matt.
Whitney and Bobby.
Kobe and Shaq.
Ellen and Anne.
Yeah, I do them too.
Well, there's this guy at the diner where I work.
We had this moment.
I turned around and he was gone.
He probably got a good look at your mug and ran.
Why don't we broaden the search from that one guy to just any nigga?
-Okay. -Eight out of ten guys believe...
...the first kiss will tell them everything they need to know about a relationship.
So before we get started, let's see what you got.
Stinky. You got the dragon.
You got a little something in there.
A whole wing?
Extra crispy? Goddamn!
Off of me, trick! What are you, hungry?
I'm never gonna meet my Prince Charming.
I got it.
-A reality dating show? -Says here you can meet your dream man.
Extreme BACHELOR DESPERATE EDITION It also says you have to be beautiful.
Well, you're beautiful-ish.
Come on, Hitch. The only way I could get on that show...
...is if you magically turn me into a princess.
West Side Custom WSC
Time to pimp her out.
Worst Foods Mayonnaise
Whoa, you officially pimped out.
All right, girl. Now you're good to go.
Ladies, good evening.
And welcome to The Extreme Bachelor, Desperate Edition.
By the end of tonight's episode...
...one of you lucky ladies will be chosen by the bachelor...
...to go on a dream date.
So let's meet him.
He's a doctor who gets a lot of tail.
Ladies, may I introduce the bachelor?
-Hi. Lovely to meet you. -Hi.
Hello, I'm Grant.
-I'm Grant. -Hi, Grant.
Nice to meet you.
Now, Grant, the elimination round.
Essentially nixing the girls you don't want to bang.
Who's going to be eliminated?
Nice aim, Grant. Good eye.
Julia, will you accept this rose?
You have won a dinner for two at A Restaurant.
A Restaurant Oh, yeah, that's it.
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Yes! Yes! Yes!
So you're saying you do want the pork chops?
-Yes, please. -Okay.
I'll have what he's having.
So tell me about you.
Oh, I'm just a waitress.
But I want to go to school to be a pastry chef.
Oh, hi. My name is Julia Jones.
And for my admissions essay, I'm gonna show all of you at Harvard...
...why I would make an amazing pastry chef.
JULIA GONE WILD What a coincidence.
I love pie.
-I've gotta take you downtown for the best-- -Hummus pie?
You've been there?
That's actually my recipe.
But tell me more about you.
Like, what's your favorite love song?
It's kind of corny.
Oh, come on.
You're that waitress.
Well, I was sort of going through a phase.
I was downright ugly.
I don't remember you ever being ugly.
But I remember you.
I can't explain it, but when I'm with you I just feel so alive.
-Me too. -I just wanna scream and shout and....
That was amazing.
It sure was.
She faked it, Grant.
But I didn't.
Oh, no, no, no!
CRABS HOTEL SPHINCTER Bleach Leaves Rectum Sparkling OLDMAN'S OWN BALSAMIC VINAIGRETTE DOUCHE No, no, no!
...how would you feel about meeting my parents?
-...ever knock anyone up? -Mom.
Well, I want many grandkids, and how do I know if he's shooting blanks or not?
Bathroom's down the hall.
Just leave the sample on the counter.
Taught him how to do that.
Julia told me your last name. How do you pronounce it?
Just how it's spelled.
-Allergic to cats? -No, no, I love cats.
In fact, growing up on a farm, I once milked a cat.
I got nipples, Grant.
Can you milk me?
May I say that's an exquisite vase?
An ancient artifact, I presume.
That's actually an urn containing the remains of Frank's mother.
Well, I'm sure your mother would want to celebrate...
...that Julia finally applied to pastry school.
-What? School? -Don't you want me to better myself?
No! I want you to work at the diner until you die.
Grant was just kidding. Right, Grant?
No, no, no!
Jinxers. Jinxers, no.
Grandma Jones. Oh, God.
No. Jinxers, stop it.
-Jinxers, no. -Oh, no, no.
-No. -Jinxers, no.
-Jinxers, no. -Oh, no.
-Get off my mama! -Bad!
-Bad kitty. -Please.
-Jinxers! No. -I didn't teach him how to do that.
-Jinxers! Bad cat! -God!
That was a disaster.
It wasn't that bad.
You desecrated my grandmother's remains...
...and my father hates you.
Why didn't you tell your parents about pastry school?
I'm working my way up to it. I'm just waiting for the right time.
Julia, you're a grown woman.
If you haven't noticed, my family is totally controlling.
They meddle in every aspect of my life.
Not to mention, no one in our family has ever dated outside of our culture.
He reminds me of Webster.
I just don't see how this could work between us.
Look, so your family's difficult.
Until I met you, my life was boring.
But you, you're smart...
I just want to be with you.
Did you say I was beautiful?
Come with me.
It's just a little Jesus juice.
Where are you taking me?
-What are we...? -You'll see.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
...will you marry me?
Yes, Grant Fockyerdoder, I will marry you.
How much will you give me for this?
-Fifty bucks. -Shit, that's it?
But it will destroy all evil.
Oh, screw off, wizard!
Before you set the wedding date...
...I wanted to meet your parents.
Because, frankly, I don't know much about you.
I understand, homeboy.
I'll be watching you.
If you do anything to corrupt my daughter....
You'll bring me down to Chinatown?
I'll take your bitch ass to 134th Street.
Bust you in the head with a pipe.
Hi, Little Jack.
How come you have Betty's baby?
She's at a swingers' convention this weekend...
-...so we said we'd take care of him. -Oh, how nice.
Betty's such a good mother. She's teaching Little Jack sign language.
Oh, I heard about this. Real cutting-edge stuff.
"What happens when the ho doesn't give up all the cash?"
That's right, Little Jack. "Keep your pimp hand strong."
His first word!
-Little Jack, what did you say? -Beeyotch.
Is that your dad?
It's good to see you.
This is my fiancée, Julia. And her parents, Linda and Frank.
Bernie Fockyerdoder. Pleased to meet all of you.
Frank, give me some sugar.
Put her there!
All right, all right.
-And this must be your little girl. -No, that's my wife.
Wife? So young, so pretty.
And you must be Julia. What a beautiful moment this is.
So beautiful. Just beautiful.
What? We're all family now.
I'll just go get the luggage.
So, what was that you were doing back there?
-I was just practicing Capuerta. -Capa-what?
Capuerta, the Brazilian martial art of dance fighting.
-Beeyotch. -I've been doing it for weeks.
It keeps me level.
Come on, let's go meet Roz.
You're going to love her. Everybody, this is Roz.
IDIOT'S Tantric Sex
I've been kvelling to meet this meshuggenah goyim shiksa all day.
So, Grant tells me you're a doctor.
I'm a sex therapist.
I specialize in teenage impotency.
-Mum, no. -Oh, Grantulla's just embarrassed...
...because he lost his virginity to the housekeeper.
So is it Harry?
-Is what hairy? -Your name.
-No, no. It's Bernie. -Oh, no, but it is hairy.
-What are you talking about? -Picture this with 4 pounds of hair.
So when's the big date?
Well, we wanted a long engagement...
...so we're getting married this Sunday.
Oh, hell, no. I'm not paying for that wedding.
Oh, don't have a conniption, bubbelah. We'll pay for it.
I got a great wedding planner. You'll meet her tomorrow morning.
Let's have a toast.
To great, big matzo balls.
I couldn't be happier.
Because Nicky has agreed to marry you.
-Nicky. -Yeah. Good job.
Looking good. Nice.
Dad, my whole life I've had this dream...
...that a prince would someday come and rescue me.
Grant is that guy.
He's my prince.
-And he's the one I'm gonna marry. -No.
You'll never marry Grant. I don't trust him.
You'll marry Nicky.
You know, thinking about the honeymoon makes me, like, really horny.
Like, a lot.
Wow, you seem tense.
When was the last time...
-...you and Frank were intimate? -It's been a while.
It sure has.
-Is that all you got? -Hold on.
-How do you think it's going? -I think it's going really well.
-You do? -Yeah.
Everyone's getting along famously. Even our dads are hitting it off.
Man, you might wanna put your shirt back on.
The wedding planner will see you now.
Please, have a seat.
Now, I'm here to plan your dream wedding.
So tell me what you want.
Well, we want a traditional wedding.
Something simple, yet elegant.
Yo, I know exactly the place.
TACO BUTT Think outside my buns.
It's not quite what we had in mind.
That's the best I can do on short notice.
You gotta book the caterer, pick a piñata...
-...choose your best man. -I've already taken care of that.
-My best mate, Andy, flew in this morning. -Andy?
Yeah, we'll meet up at the hotel later. I think you two will hit it off tremendously.
I can't wait.
And I can't wait till you see who I booked for the entertainment.
So where is this best man of yours?
-Andy's not a guy? -A guy? Heavens, no.
It's great we've remained so close...
...even after the engagement fell through.
You two were engaged?
It was more physical than anything, really.
Just constant sex.
Sex. Sex. Sex.
Sex. Sex. Sex.
Sex. Sex. Sex.
So, you realized it just wasn't right?
Well, she realized it wasn't right.
She dumped me.
Just wasn't ready to settle down.
Why is she in slow motion?
She likes to make an entrance.
This is Julia.
Oh, I have heard so much about you.
Now, Grant told me how attractive you were...
...but he never mentioned you were flat-chested.
Excuse me, while I get out of these wet clothes.
So how did you two meet?
We were in Beverly Hills.
TIFFANY & CO.
GUCCI BVLGARI VERSACE LOUIS VUITTON LV Rodeo Dr
I'll give you $100 for the week.
Sounds quite reasonable.
Okay, this is just too weird. Can we dissolve back now?
And so eventually you got engaged, and then you broke up ages ago.
Sure, if you call three weeks "ages ago."
You were engaged to her three weeks ago?
Honestly, Julia, you have nothing to be jealous about.
Just because I see Grant with another woman...
...doesn't mean I want him back.
Okay, I'll go first.
Let me say, we don't really need to be here.
-See, we've been dating for five days. -Six.
Five, six days.
And this is like a check-up for us.
There's this huge space between us...
...and it keeps getting bigger and bigger.
How honest are you with him?
I mean, it's not like I lie to him or anything.
I mean, I have little secrets.
Everyone has secrets.
I have hepatitis C.
How does that make you feel?
I'm not sure, really.
Let me clarify. I love Julia.
I want her to be happy.
I want good things for her.
But there are times....
When she's sleeping, just take a pillow and....
-Thanks for helping me pick out my dress. -To be honest, I was surprised you called.
Well, you're a part of Grant's life.
And that means you're a part of my life too.
You look like a princess.
You don't think it's a bit too much?
Oh, not at all.
I'll go get some pins to fit it.
Why do you insist on dressing me in these fruity outfits?
I'm gonna take this lollipop and shove it up your ass.
I can hear everyone's thoughts!
I love Puerto Rican men. They're spicy.
It's like I'm trapped in a bad Mel Gibson movie.
What the hell was I thinking? He's a freaking backup dancer.
Dude, I married Britney Spears.
I'm rich, beeyotch! Rich!
Is the bride-to-be ready?
Not if I can help it.
I've got 24 hours to break up this wedding.
I'll turn Grant against you and make him love me again.
Me, me, me!
Stay away from me.
What is it now?
Grant's got an ex-fiancée. And she has a thing for him, I just know it.
And they have this long, romantic history.
How can I measure up to that?
Skimpy Bikini Illustrated The Swimsuit Issue That Self Combusts You can't. She's fine as hell.
I would tear that shit up!
You know, everything was going so well until she turns up.
Look, he's not with Andy anymore. He's with you.
You gotta put aside your insecurities. It'll all work out.
-Do you really believe that? -No. But my white customers do.
Look, I believe in you and Grant.
And before you know it, you'll be walking down the aisle.
And saying our vows.
And our first dance.
Starting the fire. Starting the fire. Starting the fire.
The Q-Tip. The Q-Tip. The Q-Tip.
Throw it away. Throw it away.
You call that dancing?
You see this? This is where you live, right here.
This is your home.
Well, how about this?
That bitch be krumping!
It's okay. She's never gonna break us up.
Grant and I just have to get through the rehearsal dinner...
...and then tomorrow's the big day.
Once we're married, everything will be perfect.
Who are you kidding?
Grant's never gonna marry you. You're not good enough.
He's meant to be with Andy.
-Don't say that! -This is who you really are.
Worst Foods Mayonnaise You're a frump girl.
You may look different, but inside you'll always be me.
No, please, stop.
You'll be stuck in that diner till the end of time.
I don't believe you.
True love is a myth.
You better hurry up and marry Nicky...
...before you end up a fat, dusty old maid.
Quiet, everyone. Quiet.
Roz has a few words to say.
Oh, thank you, hon.
I would like to make a toast.
To Grant and Julia.
Okay! Get crunk!
You like it?
You look ravishing.
What? What's wrong?
Grant, your whole courtship has been rocky to say the least.
I just hope you're not rushing into this marriage with Julia...
...as a way of getting over me.
Oh, dear God.
I.... I better get back.
Grant, this is our rehearsal dinner.
We're getting married tomorrow.
I need to know, do you still have feelings for Andy?
Of course not.
I trust you.
I just don't want to get hurt.
You have nothing to worry about.
I'm devoted to you.
The moment I saw you Before I proposed to you We said a little prayer for you While combing my hair now You're wondering what's Under my dress now
-We said a little prayer for you -We said a little prayer for you Forever, forever He gives you his heart And he loves you Forever and ever You'll never break up Divorce will cost you Together, together That's how it must be For this love story Screw Grant She must marry Nicky
I really do love you, dear But Andy keeps whispering in his ear We'll say a little prayer for you Grant and I will get hitched If we survive my family And that scheming bitch We'll say a little prayer for you Forever, forever He gives you his heart And he loves you Forever and ever You'll never break up Divorce will cost you Together, together That's how it must be For this love story I have one night to stop this wedding My daughter get busy
-Get busy -Get busy Just back that thing up He'll be true Please, love me too Answer his prayers Try position 22 Getting your swerve on, baby Answer his prayers Forever, forever He gives you his heart And he loves you Forever and ever You'll never break up Divorce will cost you Together, together That's how it must be For this love story Will the ending be good or crappy?
Not a zit on my wedding day.
Saint Sophia Community Church JONES FOCKYERDODER WEDDING Where the hell is Julia?
SHE'S LATE Grant, I wouldn't be your best man unless I told you this.
Julia doesn't deserve you.
Oh, come on.
She's an hour late for her own wedding.
Maybe she's got cold feet because she knows it's not right between you two.
Do you ever think about us?
-Yeah. -Me too.
My grandmother's ring.
She gave you this ring on her deathbed and made you promise...
...to give it to the woman you wanted to spend the rest of your life with.
You gave it to me.
My grandfather's toe ring.
And didn't he give you this ring on his deathbed...
...and make you promise to give it to the woman you'd cherish forever?
You gave that to me too.
She's just the rebound girl.
I'm ready to take you back. Choose me. Marry me.
Andy, I just don't feel the same way about you anymore.
Julia's the one.
Then one last kiss.
Julia Please Take me back!
I FXXXED UP BIG TIME I'M A JERK
...A REAL ASSHOLE...
Shut up! It's 4 in the morning!
Turn that crap off!
I'm trying to watch Desperate Housewives.
It's called an iPod, get one!
Lonely Woman Dinner
Let's get you out of that funk.
Julia, will you marry me?
-That was good, right? -Yeah.
I know Nicky's a little rough around the edges...
...but give him a chance.
You know, when your mother and I first got married we barely knew each other.
I was a mail-order bride...
...could barely speak the English language.
-Dad, you're from Jersey. -I'm trying to make a point here.
At first, Linda and I couldn't get along.
But we grew to understand and even respect each other.
I'm proud to say we've been married for 30 years...
...and I have you and your sister to show for it.
Now, maybe that's not the fairy tale you dream of...
...but that's real life.
So, what do you say?
I've been fooling myself all along.
There is no Prince Charming.
And true love is something that only exists in the movies.
I'll marry Nicky.
Back to work.
JUSTICE OF THE PEACE
Tears of joy, Dad.
Thanks, Frank. I'll take it from here.
We are gathered here to join this man...
...and this woman in holy matrimony.
Marriage is a contract that should not be taken lightly.
It must be honored by two people who are truly in love.
If anyone has any reason why these two should not be married...
...speak now or forever hold your peace.
-I object. -Thank God.
This isn't what you wanted.
It's what I wanted.
I was wrong about Grant. He's a good man.
He even liked you when you were butt-ugly.
-How do you--? -I saw it in your flashback.
You and Grant were meant to be together.
I don't know.
You need to read this.
How to Lose a Girl in 10 Days My darling Julia, I'm sorry.
So very, very sorry.
And yet "sorry" seems to be the hardest word to say.
If you can ever forgive me, and you're ready to make that leap...
...I promise I'll be there to catch you.
If you still love me the way I love you...
...then meet me where Meg Ryan met Tom Hanks.
On the Internet?
No, not in You've Got Mail, in Sleepless in Seattle.
Right. The observation deck of the Empire State Building.
But how do I get there?
I'll MapQuest directions and IM it to your BlackBerry.
But I only have a T-Mobile Sidekick.
You can borrow my Treo 650.
How about we just meet where we had our first date?
But that's way uptown. Traffic's a nightmare.
The rooftop of your apartment building?
This issue's six months old.
I hope he's still waiting.
He'd be a fool not to wait for my daughter.
-Go get him, baby. -Thanks, Dad.
GIVE UP HONEY... SHE AIN'T COMING!
Let's go, someone!
Someone, please help!
Trick, you getting on my nerves.
I need to get across town fast.
I owe you.
Damn straight! I'm Hitch, bitch.
Come on. Open up.
Keep your damn hands off my man.
I'm too late.
What happens after the prince rescues the princess?
She rescues him right back.
You make me want to be a better man.
You had me at hello.
I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy...
...asking him to love her.
What? I'm also an ordained minister.
By the powers vested in me, I now pronounce you man and wife.
Show her some love, man.
This is for you.
It's a vaginal thermometer.
It lets you know when you're ovulating.
It's been in our family for generations.
And if you want to keep it our lucky thermometer, don't ever wash it.
You're gonna have to find a new waitress.
It's about time.
Take care of my daughter.
Goodbye! Best of luck.
Hey, is it too late to crash the Fockyerdoder wedding?
And we lived happily ever after.
JULIA JONES'S Diary But not before we went on our honeymoon to romantic Kong Island.
Help! Please, help me!
Keep the camera rolling.
Carmen Electra! Carmen Electra!
Carmen Electra! Carmen Electra!
That feels kind of good.
A little kinky.
BIG ASS DRINK I like hairy boys.
Yes, drink it.
Tell you, you're gonna love that.
Is that Cos' hand on your booty?
I'm kind of an amateur tennis player...
...and I was playing and it was a drizzly day...
...and Roz came down and volunteered to hold my balls and keep them dry.
-His balls-- -We got rained out anyway.
His balls are always wet, whether it's raining or not.
Hey, is it too late for one more parody?
It's on the Hudson with breathtaking views of the skyline.
We say a little prayer for you.
How often do you have sex?
I don't understand the question.
I mean, it's a PG-13 movie.
We're limited to very mild sexual content.
Above the waist...
-...over the shirts, no tongues. -No tongue.
How about this week?
A hundred and twenty-seven.