Dave (1993) Script

Ten-hut!


Welcome home, Mr. President.

Over here, Mr. President!

Good to be home.

Thank you.

What do you got? Let's go over it again.

Who do I see first this morning?

You've got Mr. Crenshaw at 11:30.

I can't do two things at once, you know? I got NSC at 2:30.

That'll only take half an hour. With Syria?

You've got that radio address to go over...

...and the Legal Counsel speech at the Monroe tomorrow night.

The Monroe? Welcome home, Mr. President.

Yes, sir, the Monroe Hotel.

Have you got someone to double for me there?

We're working on it, sir. Good.

Try to find someone who looks like me this time.

That last guy was a joke.

Ladies and gentlemen, here he is...

...the President of the United States.

God bless you. Thank you.

Welcome to Durenberger's, Mr. President.

Thank you, one and all.

Let me just say, from one chief executive to another...

...that there is no Chevrolet like Durenberger's Community Chevrolet.

Thank you, Mr. President.

Mom, that's not the president, is it? I sure hope not.

I have the feeling that when people find out about the $500 cash rebate...

...on all Geo Storms and Geo Storm convertibles...

...that you're going to be even busier than I am.

You said it, Mr. President.

See, I could veto this Simpson-Gardner thing if I wanted to, but I don't want to.

Do you know why I don't want to?

It's got homeless shelters...

...Head Start centers...

...and....

Hot lunches.

Hot lunches for little kiddies.

If I kill it, I'm gonna look like a prick.

I don't want to look like a prick.

I want you to look like pricks.

But, sir, we've tried to kill it.

Twice.

I don't think so, Howard, no. If you'd killed it, it would be dead.

When I kill something...

...it always dies.

Doesn't it, Bob? Always did.

Mr. President, with the work your wife has done with the homeless...

My wife.

Norman.

I don't want you to do this because you're forced to.

I want you to do this because you want to.

I want you to do it because it's the right thing to do.

I want you to do it because you're acting in the best interests of your country.

Well, I think that's it.

6:30?

Perfect. Great. I'll see you then.

How are you? Having fun? Hey.

Yes. Good to see you.

Ask me how I did.

How did it go? Yeah? I killed them. It was great.

See what you can do in here. Okay, what's up?

Hey. How are you, Mabel? Hi, Jennifer.

Mabel says it's too far on the bus. Jennifer's boss tried to hit on her.

And Lola's been in your office crying for almost an hour.

Lola, what happened?

Mr. Kovic, it's not my fault. I learn on the IBM, okay?

Yeah. Then they put me on the Wang.

Don't worry. We'll think of something.

Yeah. So tonight's the big night.

Yeah. It's some big secret. He won't tell me.

Can't get out of it.

It's gonna be fine. We're gonna fix it.

Honey, call, Murray. Tell him we're on our way, okay?

It's Wednesday. Everybody works on Wednesday.

Can I borrow your...? Thanks.

Don't cry. Murray.

Dave, I can't hire anybody else. I can't.

Murray, she flies on an IBM.

I don't have enough work for the people you already gave me.

She's got three kids. Her husband's a diabetic. Diabetic?

Just a short-term thing. Straight temp job.

Please? Murray. Murray.

I'll see what I can do.

Thanks.

You feel okay about this?

Not yet.

You will.

Do you want to go play some ball?

It's the middle of the afternoon. I'm working.

Me too. Okay, well, thanks, Murray.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Bye, Lola, Kate, Adriana, Pam. Bye, Dave.

And the wavin' wheat can sure smell sweet When the wind comes right behind the...

Rain Oklahoma Every night my honey lamb and I Sit alone and talk and watch a hawk Makin' lazy circles in the sky We know we belong to the land And the land we belong to is grand And when we say Yeeow! Ayipioeeay, whoo We're only saying: you're doing fine, Oklahoma Oklahoma O-K-L-A-H-O M-A Oklahoma

Mr. Kovic?

I'm Duane Stevenson with the United States Secret Service.

We're with the federal government.

I.... I swear I thought that was a legitimate deduction.

See, I do impersonations, so I use that television with my work.

Mr. Kovic, we're not here about your taxes.

On occasion, for security purposes...

...the Secret Service hires someone to double for the president...

...at public functions in exposed situations.

Your government needs your help.

Really?

I like it.

You look just like him.

You think?

And the coloring....

Coloring is excellent. You really cut his hair this short?

It's a perfect match. Doesn't come over the ears?

You understand what you'll be doing? Yeah. You want me to wave.

Wave from the door, come down the stairs, get into the limo.

You know, if you want me to do other stuff, I can.

If you want me to talk... Don't say a word.

Right.

Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States.


Thank you all.

Thank you.

Is there a lawyer in the house?

You know...

...just now as I was coming to the podium...

...I spotted my old friend, Jordan Blankfort.

Now Justice Blankfort...

...who I haven't seen since our law school days back at Yale.

You know, just seeing him makes me...

...kind of nostalgic for those innocent days back then.

About the worst thing we ever did...

...was hoist somebody's underwear up a flagpole.

We need standardized parole criteria...

...that will guarantee a prisoner will not be returned to the street...

...until he has paid his debt to society.

We need a judiciary that is sensitive to the needs...

Okay, let's go.

...of the average American, because that's what we were founded on.

The dreams...

...the dreams of a few...

...struggling pilgrims...

...who imagined a system of laws...

...of the people, by the people...

...and for all the decent people of this land! God bless you!

God bless America!


Hey.

Let's move it up a half hour.

You have the trade negotiations. It needs to be handled.

He's here.

They weren't very enthusiastic.

Of course, they're lawyers.

Jesus Christ.


You're a very handsome man.

Thank you, Mr. President.

Just get rid of the grin. You look like a schmuck.

He's all right.

Wish me luck.

Call me if there's a war.

Move him out.

You're on.


Okay, you ready?


Mr. President?

President Mitchell!

God bless you! God bless America!

Thank you very much!

I'm sorry. I just couldn't help it. I got carried away.

I was pretty good though, wasn't I?

I guess something important must be going on for the president to go through all this.

Something top secret.


Baby?

Hon?

Mr. President?

Doesn't look very good. They say it hit both sides of his brain.

If he makes it, he's gonna be a vegetable.

I can't believe he'd do this. I know.

Where's the girl? She's a little upset right now.

We got her upstairs in the laundry room. Some nightmare.

Bob.

At some point, we're gonna have to call the vice-president.

Don't call the vice-president. What?

Just don't call him, Al.

The guy's in a coma, Bob. I don't give a shit.

Bob. This is mine, Al. It's all mine.

I made him. I built him.

And no Boy Scout is gonna come in here and take it away from me...

...just because he happens to be vice-president of the United States.

You know...

...if you guys want to do something for his birthday, I've got some great birthday stuff.

I do this thing.... My friends love this.

The president and the first lady are going to Club Med, for their vacation....

Yeah.

Oh, sir.

What?

Back to the cottage.

What?

We'll start by going on television.

We'll admit he had a stroke, but we'll say it was a mild stroke.

A mild stroke? Yes.

And he ought to be up and around again sometime soon.

Up and around?

How?

You know...

...I'm not scared.

I think I've been pretty cooperative. I'd just like to know where we're going.

Nice.

Dave. I'm Alan Reed, White House communications director.

And this is Bob Alexander, our chief of staff.

We met earlier at the hotel tonight, remember?

Can I get you something to drink?

You sure? Coke, mineral water? Something like that?

I'm fine.

But Dave, something has come up and I think we need to talk about it.

I'm so sorry. I know I wasn't supposed to talk...

...but I saw the crowd and I got excited...

No, no, no, we're not upset with you, Dave.

We think you did a terrific job.

Don't we, Bob?

Terrific. In fact, we think you did such a good job...

...that we would like to...

...extend things a little.

Extend things? Yes.

Extend them.

Come here.

Try it out.

Try it out? Go ahead.

How's that feel?

Well, very nice.

Dave...

...the reason we invited you here tonight is because...

...something has happened to the president.

Oh, my God. I know.

I know, it's difficult for all of us...

...but sometimes we need to put our personal feelings aside and focus...

...on the good of the country.

What happened?

It's actually kind of serious, Dave.

I'm afraid the president's not in very good shape.

Will he be all right? Oh, yeah.

Probably. We think so.

Yes.

Dave.

Sometimes we need our friends...

...and even our enemies, to feel...

...safe and secure.

We need them to feel like they can go to bed at night...

...knowing that President Mitchell is fully in control.

We need them to feel like...

...he's sitting right here...

...in this chair.

Hey.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

What about the vice-president?

Vice-president?

We didn't want to have to tell you this...

...but the vice-president is mentally unbalanced.

No. I'm afraid so.

Really? Yes.

Crazy? Certifiable.

How much do you usually get paid?

I don't know.

Depends.

Usually it's a barter kind of thing.

Is this legal?

Dave.

Have you ever driven through a red light?

You know, on an empty road...

...when there's nobody around and you know it's safe?

I'm not sure. I might have.

Well, let's say....

Let's say your mother is in the car and you...

...have to get her to the hospital.

You'd do it then for sure, wouldn't you?

Yes, I guess I would.

Now, let's say...

...the whole country...

...is in the car.

The entire United States of America.

In the car? In the car.

I see what you mean.

Dave.

The country is sick.

And you're gonna get it to the hospital.

These are the private quarters.

The president's bedroom is on that side, the first lady's is over there.

First lady? Don't worry, you won't even see her.

They barely talk anymore.

You're kidding. It happens.

And this is where you'll be sleeping.

You all right?

It's very nice. Come this way.

I'm sure you'll be comfortable here.

We'll be back to get you first thing in the morning.

The Secret Service man is right outside the door.

Good night, Mr. President.

Good night.

Sleep tight.

Thank you.


Yes, Mr. President. Nothing. Good night.

Nothing.

Good night.


At 10:45 last night, President Mitchell, coming home from the Monroe Hotel...

...where he was giving a speech to the American Legal Counsel...

...suffered what doctors describe as a minor circulatory problem of the head.

Reports that he had suffered a severe stroke are erroneous.

Doctors report that he should be up and back to his normal schedule soon.

Now, let me stress again, this is a minor medical problem.

The president has complete use of his faculties...

...and retains full executive authority.

Any questions?

The White House classifies the president's condition...

...as a slight circulatory problem of the head.

While technically a stroke...

...White House spokesmen say the president's condition is far from serious...

...and he should be up and about sometime soon.

Do you know how many different kinds of laws we've broken?

It's simple, Alan.

We send the vice-president to Africa or something.

We dig up some dirt on him and then we force him to resign...

...and get our president to nominate a new one.

The whole thing takes a couple of weeks.

You mean, we get Dave to nominate you as vice-president?

I was a senator, you know? I know.

And when our poor president has another stroke...

...of course this time much more serious...

...our newly appointed VP becomes....

Jeez.

What about containment, Al?

Thanks.

Okay. We got the nurses for 50 grand apiece, and the doctors for 100.

The older guy wanted head of the CDC. Is that everybody?

Duane's guys, he's got them all under control.

Good. What about her?

Her?

The first lady?

She was giving a speech at Bryn Mawr. I managed to catch her before she left.

And?

I told her his blood pressure went up after a little incident at the hotel.

She seems to hate him now more than ever.

Fine.

Everybody else is buying the "minor stroke" story.

Let's hope this yutz can pull it off.

These are amazing results. I must say, Mr. President...

...even for a man with a minor stroke...

...you seem to have made a remarkable recovery.

That's great.

I'm feeling much better.

No signs of paralysis. No circulatory changes.

Your ECG is completely normal...

...and, your blood pressure has even gone down.

Have you been exercising recently?

Yes. I mean...

...bicycling and...

...weight lifting.

Looking after the diet.

Polo, climbing.

Like that.

Well, judging by these tests, I see no reason why you can't...

...return to work within the next couple days.

Great. Good.

Good.

Mr. President. Mr. President.

Hold it.

Remember everybody's name, faces? Yeah.

Keep it simple.

Course. Watch.

Morning, ladies. Mr. President.

Diane.

Good to see you. Well, welcome back, sir.

Good to be back. Just a false alarm. Nothing to be worried about.

Clara. Good morning, Mr. President.

Nice to see you. You too, sir.

It's good to be alive, isn't it? Yes, sir.

Randi.

Good morning, Mr. President. I was really worried.

I didn't know what was going on.

I'm so glad that you're feeling better.

Why didn't you call me? Well....

You really had me worried. I'm fine. Well....

I was really worried.

What's with her? Don't worry.

She's emotional. She's attached to the president.

Remember, you are the president.

Okay, let's get back to work.

Sick time is done. Let's call the...

False alarm. I'm fine. Everything's fine.

He's okay.

Let's go over it again?

You met a girl. You fell in love.

And we're going away on a holiday. For a month.

A month? Right. Don't embellish.

Do I need to dial nine?

As soon as we sat down...

...he pulls out this ring and I got so emotional...

...that I had to ask the waiter to bring over another napkin.

Hang on.

Kovic Temps.

Hi, Dave. Where are you?

You met who?

You're going where?

Cancun?

I think that's great.

She's very special. She's beautiful. She's a princess.

She's, really exotic and wonderful.

She's.... She's Polynesian.

Well, half Polynesian and, half American.

She's, Amnesian.

Hang up.

She has a hang-up about the royalty thing.

Hang up the phone. Don't talk about that when you meet her.

I gotta go now. The plane's leaving. Call you later. Bye.

It worked.

He's in love.

Thank God.

President continued his convalescence...

...resting in the White House for the second day.

His personal physician pronounced him in perfectly good health.

I have examined him thoroughly...

...and I don't believe that I have ever seen the president in better shape.

The president was able to attend to some official business on Wednesday...

...and continues to be briefed on all areas of national concern.

The upper house and the lower house.

Senators are elected to six-year terms and congressmen are elected to two.

Judiciary?

Veterans Affairs?

Mark Davis. Agriculture.

Agriculture?

Cows, cows, calves, Metcalf.

Lawrence Metcalf. He's right there.

So confident is the White House about the president's recovery...

...that the vice-president has been sent on a 12-nation African goodwill tour.

This is Sander Vanocur at the White House.

First thing we'll go over is the mannerisms.

Alan has worked out a sort of training program.

Great. This is the briefing room.

It's where the president holds most of his press conferences.

This may seem a bit strange at first...

...but, even professional politicians have trouble getting used to the...

A teleprompter.

A teleprompter. Is it hooked up? No, I don't think so.

As I was saying, nobody expects you to be Bill Mitchell overnight.

The most important thing to remember is his general presence.

Presence. Right.

Now, whenever he stands at a podium...

...President Mitchell always has one hand in the pocket of his coat.

That's at a press conference. Otherwise, they're almost always on the podium.

I'm not certain about that.

Remember the convention speech?

"An America, stronger than the one we were given.

An America, prouder than the one we found."

Right on the podium. Except on "America," he points.

You know, that is very good.

I love that speech.

Thanks. I wrote it.

You did? Yeah.

It's great.

"Somewhere, there is a distant light...

...guiding us through this rocky shoal.

America isn't what we say here tonight.

It's in the faces and the smiles of a Sunday afternoon.

It's in the gentle kindness...

...of the family kitchen...

...as we gather together...

...when the sun goes down."

Can I keep this?

Thought I wasn't gonna see her. It's five minutes.

She walks in, you wave to the press, she leaves.

The first lady. I mean, couldn't I start with a cousin?

She hardly ever sees him. She won't have a chance to tell.

Stop whining.

If you can convince her, you can convince anybody.

All right.

We're ready for Mrs. Mitchell.

As soon as she comes in, we'll move you out to the balcony.

All you have to say is, "Thanks for doing this, Ellen."

"Thanks for doing this, Ellen." Exactly.

She doesn't always like this stuff. It might soften her up.

"Thanks for doing this, Ellen."

Why can't you die from a stroke like everybody else?

What are you staring at?

Mrs. Mitchell, we're gonna do it right out here.

Who was she?

Another patriotic secretary?

Thank you for doing this, Ellen.

Go to hell, Bill.

I think we can get started now.

You can tell these two pit vipers that this is the last one of these...

...I'll be doing for a while.

Okay.

You're doing just fine.

Wave.

Mr. President. Mr. President.

Mr. President. Mr. President.

Mr. President, how are you feeling? Fine.

Fine. Ready to get back to work?

You bet.

You bet.

I'm out of here.

Shit.

Will you be making decisions? Are you back in charge?

Mr. President. Mr. President.

Go! Go, go.

Go, go, go.

Don't you have anything to say to me?

Thank you for doing this, Ellen.

You don't change, do you, Bill?

She hates me.

Yes.

Wave to the camera. Wave to the camera.


Okay. Okay.

Here we go. First off, we're gonna talk to Ted...

...on the, new Land Management Legislation.

Ted. Yes, sir.

I think if you refer to Item 3 on the memorandum...

...you'll be delighted to notice that the....

Mr. President, slip your arms in there...

...and the machine will do everything your arms do.

I once caught a fish...

...this big.

This is great.

Louie, Louie Baby Everybody!

We gotta go. Yeah!

Good boy!

Got you!

This guy has had a rebirth. This is a different fella in the White House.

It doesn't happen often, Bob, but you're right.

There's a transformation. Don't know what they're putting in the water.

Nothing to do the water or anything else you drank.

He has faced death in the eye and been transformed by it.

Your boss looks better since the stroke. Thanks, Mr. Speaker.

He's doing well. Thanks.

Tell him I send my best. I will.

Good luck. Good to see you.

Let me ask you a question now right off the bat.

What is with President Mitchell lately?

Has this guy been having too many Happy Meals for lunch or what?

Let's talk a little bit about desserts.

What you don't want to do is eat doughnuts.

No doughnuts.

Thank you, Arnold.

Arnold, thank you so much.

Want to Indian-wrestle?

Throwing out the ceremonial first pitch...

...the President of the United States.


From the nation's capital, The McLaughlin Group.

An unrehearsed program presenting inside opinions and forecasts...

...on major issues of the day.

Here's the moderator, John McLaughlin.

Issue one, the new Bill Mitchell.

Two weeks after his brush with death...

...the president is suddenly bounding around the country...

...with the energy of a high-school track star.

Is this merely overcompensation...

...or the indefatigable greatness of a truly great man?

Freddie Barnes?

John, the illness just crystallized his thinking about his own presidency.

He realized he didn't have to be a zombie.

He can show some life, even act like a child.

He's showing the strength of character he did after he got elected.

The guy got sick, right? He recovered from his illness.

He is now rejuvenated.

On a political rehabilitation scale of zero to ten...

...rate the rehabilitation of our president.

It's an eight. The zombie is gone.

It's a three. The zombie will return.

Chris. I think it's 86.

He's still out to lunch, but looking good. The answer is eight.


So the...

...first lady and the president....

What is that? How long has that been going on?

I can't say.

You mean, you don't know or you can't say?

I can't say.

Can't say.

So, your job is to protect the president all the time? That's your whole job?

Yes.

Have a gun? Yes.

Ever use it?

Not yet.

You know, I've always wondered about you guys.

The way they say you'd take a bullet for the president.

What about it?

Is that really true?

I mean, would you let yourself be killed to save his life?

Certainly.

So that means now you would get killed for me too.

It would be wonderful for you and great for the president.

I'm sorry, the only time that I have available is the 25th.

You out of your mind? That's the best I can do.

I'm gonna get back to you. I gotta go. Bye.

You scheduled a whole day with the first lady?

It's a homeless shelter. Excuse me.

It's gonna be great.

Caring about his wife, spending time on her favorite issues.

I don't want him caring about his wife. What about the vice-president?

The vice-president?

Well, you, remember that First Liberty stuff we almost got nailed on?

Yeah.

I just dumped it on him instead.

When does it break? Couple of days.

Look at Dave's tracking polls. They'll burn up in your hands.

Seventy-three percent with seniors, 84 with working mothers.

Alan, we still gotta control this guy.

Why are you doing this, Bill?

What?

Since when do you care about the homeless?

I care about the homeless. Oh, yeah.

I'm sure it's keeping you up nights.


Good morning, Mr. and Mrs. President.

Good morning, kids. How are you? Thank you for that nice welcome.

They're all kids.

That's right, Bill. Kids are homeless too.

Where are the parents? Hi.

A lot of them are in shelters, but some of them are still out on the street.

Shake hands with the president.

Hi, there. How are you?

Hello, Mr. President. Hello.

What's your name? Brandon.

How do you do?

One of the things that happens when kids become homeless...

...is they start to lose communication skills.

So here at Helping Hand, they play a lot of games...

...that encourage the kids to relate to each other and to express themselves.

Oh, no, poor Joe.

He has no hair.

Oh, no, poor Joe.

He has no...

Eyes.

Right. Very good. Very good. Let's try one more.

Everybody together now. Everybody pay attention.

Here we go. Oh, no, poor Joe.

He has no... Feet.

Great, great, great. All right.

Hi, there.

What's your name?

David. David?

Great name.

What are you doing over here, David?

Nothing.

Hey, guys. Not now, okay?

Thanks.

Don't you like playing games with the other kids?

No.

Do you like magic?

It's okay.

Okay.

Watch this.

Where'd it go?

The answer is in this riddle.

What can run all day without ever getting tired?

Do you know?

I'll give you a hint.

It's not your ear.

And it's not your mouth.

My nose.

Your nose. Exactly.

And look, there it is.

See? It was there all the time.

It went up in the air.

And fell on my nose.

Yeah.

Is the first lady still there?

Does she look mad?

Not really. Good.

First cover of Time magazine and I need a shave.

Tough little moment with the dog.

Here you are on the cover.

Oh, yeah? Front page.

That's you right behind me. Where, what?

See? Okay, here's me.

Now look over here.

You see those 20 guys and then, bing, there you are right behind the machine.

That's me? Yeah, looking very strong and...

...forbidding.

Have you ever thought about wearing a sweater?

Just kind of blend in more.

Stand up. There you are again, coming off the helicopter.

Sweaters make my neck look too thick.

Really? You got a sweater vest? You could wear a tie.

Think a sweater vest would look good on me?

Do you have the paperwork on Simpson-Gardner?

Excuse me. Yeah, hold on. It's right here.

Just came in. I think he's gonna veto it.

Bill Mitchell...

...votes no.

Hail to the chief He's the one we all say "Hail" to We all say "Hail", because he keeps himself so clean.

He's got the power. That's why he's in the shower.

And he's just I can't believe you would do something like this.

Not even you.

How could you?

How could I what? Don't patronize me.

I'm not one of your little bimbos.

And turn around.

I'm talking to you. Will you please turn around?

Turn around.

You know, if you want to be the same old selfish...

...bastard...

...go ahead. I've gotten used to that.

But don't put on this "man of the people" routine and then do something like this.

I don't understand.

You know very well that was not a Works Bill you vetoed.

That would've given those children homes.

When I think of that spectacle you put on with the little boy and the magic trick.

Wait a minute. What's wrong with the magic trick?

It was some magic. You made their funding disappear.

Look, if there's been some mistake...

There's no mistake, Bill.

When you veto their funding, that's not a mistake.

When you hurt someone intentionally, that is not a mistake.

Look....

Ellen. Ellen!

Ellen. Ellen. Ellen.

Call Bob. Call Alan. Tell them I want to see them now.

But it's 10:30 at night.

You got it.

What the hell is this?

The New York Times.

No, this.

"President vetoes Works Bill."

We vetoed that?

No.

We didn't veto anything.

Dave, these things get awfully complicated sometimes, and I think you have to...

That shelter was in this bill.

Take care of this. Believe me, Dave, if we could have...

Lots of shelters were in this bill.

Listen, you little shit. Dave. Dave.

The budget is a very complicated thing. Even I don't understand it sometimes.

Occasionally, we have to make some cuts. And in order...

But we went there. Dave.

We saw those kids. Yes, you did.

And if you can find a way to cut $650 million from the federal budget...

...you can keep your lousy shelters.

Okay.

And by the way...

...don't you ever send for me again.

Can I help you? I'm here to see the president.

Is that right?

He asked me to come.

And your name? Blum. Blum. Murray Blum. B-L-U-M.

Come on, Dave. Sit down. It's okay.

Sit down. I don't want to sit.

I don't want to. Please. Murray, come on.

Okay, fine.

This place is probably bugged.

It's not bugged. It's okay, Murray.

You could get in so much trouble if they find out.

With who? The government.

I'm the government.

Wild?

Murray, I can't tell you the whole story. It's kind of a national emergency thing.

You've gotta help me cut the budget.

You gotta cut the budget?

Yeah. About $650 million.

You look hungry.

Diane, could you come in here for a minute?

Just watch.

Yes, Mr. President? Yes, we need two copies of the budget.

And, could you arrange for dinner for two in the dining room?

Right away, sir.

And we have work to do so we're not to be disturbed.

I understand, sir. And....

Do you think they could, rustle up some fresh bratwurst and some hot mustard?

I think that can be arranged. Thanks, Diane.

I love bratwurst. I know.

Dave, I've been over this a bunch of times. It doesn't add up.

Who does these books? If I ran my business this way, I'd be out of business.

So, what can we do?

I see a lot of places you could save, but I can't make those choices.

I'm not the president. I mean....

You know, I mean, I'm not, the one, you know, pretending to be the president.

I understand.

Let me give it a try.

You? Yeah.

Let me try.

Okay. You want to try? Yeah.

All right. All right. Here's something right here.

Look at that.

Good morning, Bob. How are you?

All right.

Good morning.

Drew.

It's a work of art.

Look at this. "Vice-president's office linked to S&L scandal." Alan, you're a genius.

We're on our way.

Say, what's with the cameras?

Hundredth cabinet meeting. It'll be a nice touch.

Right. Morning.

Good morning.

Morning.

Good morning. Good morning, Mr. President.

How is everyone? Fine, thank you.

Good.

Okay. Before we get started...

...I'd like to go over the budget. Budget?

Do we have anything on the budget today? No, I don't think so.

Now, I....

I think I've found some ways to put back the homeless section...

...of the Simpson-Gardner Works Bill.

Mr. President, I don't believe that's on your agenda today.

No, it's a last minute change, Bob.

Now, the way I see it, we need $650 million in order to...

...keep the project.

Now, some of this can be done.

Through simple changes... It's all right.

...in our cash management.

For example...

...according to the OMB, we've got, 17 defense contractors...

...who are delinquent in their contracts.

Now, is this true, Frank?

I believe so, yes.

So even though they're late...

...we keep paying them on time?

Well, in a sense....

Yeah.

Okay, now, instead of giving them money...

...for something they haven't finished...

...we could hold back that cash, stick it in interest-bearing...

Mr. President.

Yes.

Nothing.

Great.

Like I was saying, if we took that cash...

...and stuck it in even an ordinary savings account...

...we'd be making $23 million a month in interest.

Well, technically, that's true, but....

I suppose it's true.

Okay. Okay.

Okay, so that's $23 million...

...times 12 months.

Okay. Good.

Unfortunately, money management's only gonna get us halfway to our goal.

In order to get the rest of the money, we're gonna have...

...to start making some tough choices.

The Commerce Department.

Yes, Mr. President?

You're spending $47 million on an ad campaign...

..."to boost consumer confidence in the American auto industry."

Yes, sir....

It's designed to bolster individual, confidence...

...in a previous domestic automotive purchase.

So we're spending $47 million so that somebody can feel better...

...about a car that they've already bought?

Yes, but I wouldn't categorize it that way. No, no, I'm sure that's important...

...but I don't want to tell some 8-year-old kid he's gotta sleep in the street...

...because we want people to feel better about their car.

Do you want to tell him that?

No, sir.

No, I sure don't.

Of course not. Well, then, that's another 47 million.

So this is good. We're doing good. We're doing real good. We're on our way.

Okay, let me just add that, to the tally here.

That'll be plus 47....

Nine.

Five, carry the one...

...makes $656 million...

...which means we can keep the program.

Thank you, sir. Thank you for your help.

Well done.

Thanks.

Thank you.

Excuse me.

Mrs. Mitchell. What is it, Jeff?

You're not gonna believe what your husband just did.

I'm gonna kill him.

You can't kill a president.

He's not a president. He's an ordinary person.

I can kill an ordinary person.

Bob. I can kill 100 ordinary people.

Bob.

He's only doing what you told him to do.

What I told him to?

I heard you. You said, "Cut $650 million off the federal budget...

...and you can keep your shelters." I didn't mean it.

Why would I want to save a homeless shelter?

He was only doing his job.

His job? His job? It's not his job! It's my job!

Bob.

Will you calm down?

Was he on the Trilateral Commission? Was he a senator?

Was he in "Who's Who" nine years in a row? Hello, Judy.

Hi, Judy. Hi.

I'll destroy him. I'll shred the bastard. Don't do this.

I'll lock him away for good. Then we'll all go to jail together.

What do you mean by that?

Just what you think I mean.

Are you threatening me?

Well....

Yeah.

I guess I am.

Thanks, Murray.

You did great.

Hey, maybe you can come back sometime. We can go to, Camp David or something.

Camp David? Yeah.

Get out of here as fast as you can.


Come on, seven.

Come on, number six.

We both lose.

I saw your light was on, so I just....

Mind if I sit down?

No. Please.

Would you like....

No, thanks.

That was quite a thing you did today.

Anyone would've done that.

I don't think so.

You helped a lot of people.

You know...

...it kind of reminded me...

...of that thing you did a long time ago in the state legislature.

Yeah.

Me too.

You weren't in the state legislature.

Hi, I'm Ellen Mitchell.

Who are you?

Look, I'll make this easy on you.

I never see him anymore.

I barely know him anymore.

I'd just kind of like to know where he is.

This could get me into a lot of trouble.


Open it, please, Duane.

Oh, my God.

I'm sorry, you're not allowed in here.

Mr. Alexander left strict instructions. I'll explain it to you later.

Oh, no.


What happened?

It was a stroke.

It's pretty bad.

I don't understand.

Is he going to...?

I'm sorry.

You're leaving?

I'm not the first lady anymore.

I shouldn't be here.

Where are you going?

Home.

Where's home?

Look, can we stop with the 20 questions?

Because I'm really not in the mood.

Souvenirs. Towels and stuff.

You're leaving too?

I never wanted to hurt anybody.

Heck, I even thought I was helping.


You know...

...you make this little deal with yourself that...

...you can put up with all the other women...

...and you can even do without a life.

You can even do without children...

...because you believe in what you're doing and you think....

You thought you had a chance to help people.

How are you gonna get home?

I don't know. I hadn't really...

...thought it out that far.

Are you sure this goes somewhere?

They say LBJ used it all the time.


Duane said he'd leave a car right over there.

When did you, first know?

I mean, about me?

In the car, I think.

On the way to the shelter, you looked at my legs.

Bill stopped looking a long time ago.

I thought maybe it was in the shower.

No.

Oh, my God.

What? Police.

What'd you do? I don't know.

See your driver's license, sir? Here, sir.

And registration.

No, I, must've left it at home.

Step out of the car, please.

Both of us? Yes, both of you, please.

Well, you may not be aware...

...but there is a posted "No left turn" sign just down the block here.

You went right through it.

I don't know what I was thinking. Oh, my gosh.

We're look-alikes.

We don't look like each other, but I mean...

I know what you think. People hire us to impersonate the president and first lady.

We work out of an agency. You sure look like him.

Thanks. We work very hard at it. I mean, she....

She got her hair cut to look... Perfect match.

We just, played the Sapperstein wedding. They loved us.

We did.... We did our, Club Med routine...

...where the first lady and the president go to Club Med, and there's Bill Mitchell.

He's like, "At 0700, I want an hour of volleyball.

And then at 0830, I want a complete briefing on the whole surf situation."

And then the big finale at, the Talent Club.

The sun will come out tomorrow Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow I'm okay.

There'll be sun Just thinkin' about tomorrow Clears away the cobwebs. And the sorrow Till there's none tomorrow.

Tomorrow, I love you Tomorrow, it's only a day away Tomorrow, tomorrow, we love you, tomorrow You are only a day away

Thank you. Thanks. We haven't worked out the final harmony.

This is a full-time job? Yeah, lately.

Lately, it's been, pretty much full-time.

Mr. and Mrs. Kovic, I'm not gonna give you a ticket.

You're not?

I think you ought to save all the money you have.

Not gonna give a ticket. Right.

Says we should save. Thank you.

Thanks. That's very funny.

Listen, you're very good. Right.

But she needs a lot of work. Yes, I know. She's kind of new at it.

Now, you drive safely?

Thank you. Thank you, officer. Thank you very much.

Okay.

I'm not sure I'm this hungry.

Wait. This is a very special sandwich.

This is good.

What's in it?

That's a secret.

You have a lot of secrets.

I guess.

So, what do you do the rest of the time?

You mean, when I'm not running the country?

I run a temp agency. You know, secretaries and stuff.

You mean, you find people jobs? Yes.

Is that funny?

It's just more than most people do around here.

Don't get carried away. I'm not that good at it.

And your family?

I mean, I assume you're married.

I was.

Once.

It didn't take.

You know, Dave...

It is Dave, isn't it?

I can't keep all of this a secret.

Yeah, I know.

I liked doing it though.

I mean, not the fancy stuff with all the helicopters...

...and the TV cameras...

...but I liked saving that shelter.

I liked helping people that I hadn't even met before.

Just then, I felt like I wasn't pretending anymore.

I don't think you were pretending.

What would you do if you were still in there?

I mean, if you had one more chance to be president...

...what would you do then?

Lots of things.

Excuse me. You can't stop here.

Look, there's no visitors at...

Hi. Mr. President?

I'm sorry, sir, I didn't realize that... Just getting a little fresh air.

Certainly, sir.

I was wondering, if you don't mind, how did you get...?

The president wanted some ice cream.


You make a nice president, Dave Kovic.

Thanks.

See you.

We are delighted you're visiting the White House.

Let's keep moving, folks. We're walking.

A million visitors go through the White House every year...

...making it the most frequently toured home in the country.

We're walking, we're walking and we're stopping.

Whatever changes from one administration to the next...

...the White House always maintains its dignity.

We're walking.

He's walking. He's Bob Alexander, our White House chief of staff.

I can't believe it!

What an honor, really, for all of you. We're walking.

Forty-two presidents and their wives have lived in the White House.

I had nothing to do with this. He called it himself. I swear to God.

What do you think you're doing?

You mean, the press conference?

I, have a couple of ideas I wanted to share with the country.

Share?

You don't call a press conference.

I call a press conference.

You're nothing. Do you understand?

You're nobody.

I'm not nobody.

You're lint!

You're a flea!

You're a blip!

Well...

...maybe I am.

But you're fired.

What?

I said you're fired. Go on, get out of here.

I'm fired? Yup.

You're fired.

Fine. Fine?

Fine.

The whole press corps is right out there.

Should I go tell them? Or did you want to?

Darling, they're waiting in the Press Room. I really think you ought to get in there.

Bob.

I'm sorry. I thought we were alone.

I'd like your resignation on my desk by the time I get back.

Don't touch anything on that desk.

How are you? How you doing?

Hi.

Hey, guys. What's up? It's the vice-president.

What could it be? The ex-vice-president.

He'll be a prison reformer in Denver in a year.

Okay, they're coming. Let's go.

Good luck.

Thanks for coming on such short notice.

I....

I'd like to begin with an announcement that...

I've...

...asked Bob Alexander to resign as White House chief of staff.

Over the last few months, Bob and I have come to believe in different things.

He thinks this country's fine and we should go about doing business as usual.

I just don't feel that way.

Not anymore.

Because, hey, things aren't fine.

We've got so many problems, that we don't even want to look at them anymore.

They just blend together into this great, big noise...

...and pretty soon we can't even hear ourselves think.

But that's not even the worst part.

The worst part is that we....

We feel we can't do anything about it.

And that's a tragedy...

...because we can.

But we don't know where to start. Maybe that's what it is.

But I have an idea...

...of where we can start.

From today...

...I'm gonna make it the responsibility of this government...

...to find a job for every American who wants one.

Have you ever seen the look on somebody's face...

...the day that they finally get a job?

I've had some experience with this.

They look like they could fly.

And it's not about the paycheck. It's about respect. It's about looking in the mirror...

...and knowing that you've done something valuable with your day.

And if one person could start to feel that way, and then another person...

...then pretty soon all these other problems we're facing may not seem so...

...impossible.

You don't really know how much you can do until you...

...stand up and decide to try.

That's it. So let's get to work. Thank you.

Mr. President.

Thank you, Mr. President.

In the boldest initiative yet of the new Bill Mitchell administration...

...the president has proposed a comprehensive full employment program...

...unparalleled since the days of FDR.

The proposal brought swift reaction, here on Capitol Hill.

President Mitchell's right. Putting people to work is what we ought to be doing.

Better to have a job than collecting a welfare check.

We're here trying to carry the water for him. I've carried water.

And then now to say this. This guy's out to lunch.

He's, you know.... Somebody's...

The lights are on, but nobody's home.

I love it. It's great. All we've gotta do is cut Star Wars.

I want to look at Mitchell's proposal.

Like the program I presented when I ran for president.

Has the president taken leave of his faculties? I ask you, Eleanor Clift.

This is the definition of modern leadership.

Set out a bold goal and you don't say how you're going to get there.

They tried this in Russia and wrecked the country.

I wonder if the Communists got him.

If you look at a photograph of Bill Mitchell...

...taken before the stroke and one right after...

What? ...you will see distinct differences.

Are you saying this is a conspiracy?

Yes, I am saying this is a conspiracy.

Do you think you're a little paranoid?

No. Have you compared the photographs, Larry?


This is crazy.

The U.S .News hammered us, but they're always tough on that.

Rosenthal loved us in The Times. That's good.

Mr. President, Mr. Nance is waiting for you inside.

Who? The vice-president.

The vice-president. The...

Nance. I thought...

Get my, I want my ears checked. Would you do that?

Sorry, I didn't understand. Ever since the stroke I get a little...

Oh, my God.


Mr. President...

...these are a gift from the King of Togo.

Fertility beads.

These are from the people of Burundi.

Thank you.

They know hats in Burundi. Look at this.

Mr. President, may I speak frankly with you?

Yes, please. Sit down. It's good to see you.

I know we haven't always gotten along. I know we've disagreed politically.

And I suppose I know what you think of me personally.

But I've always tried to respect the role you wanted me to play.

When I've disagreed with this administration, I've kept it to myself.

When you wanted my support, you always had it.

Yes.

Damn it, Bill.

How could you do something like this to me?

Do what? Come on, we're not children.

I didn't have anything to do with this First Liberty nonsense and you know it.

First Liberty. All I've got is my integrity, Bill.

Okay?

That's all I have left.

Now, I don't know why you've turned your attack dogs on me.

They're not my attack dogs. What?

I'll take care of this.

We made it up. What do you mean, you made it up?

Well, we had to, Dave. The guy's a Boy Scout.

But, Alan, this is wrong.

Wrong?

I know. It looks awfully bad and I'm really embarrassed...

...but it was Bob's idea.

Have you spoken to the president?

When I first began to look into the allegations...

...concerning First Liberty Savings and Loan...

...I thought the wrongdoing was restricted to the vice-president's office.

I think you better take a look at this.

But as I began to investigate, I realized that this pattern of corruption...

...extended much higher.

I was saddened to discover at least 15 separate acts of intervention...

...by this administration...

...most with the full knowledge of the president, and all of them illegal.

Jesus Christ. Federal regulators were influenced...

...records were destroyed...

...and pressure was brought to bear...

...by President Mitchell himself.

Now he's making stuff up about me. He's not.

He's not?

You mean, I did all that?

You didn't. Bill Mitchell did.

This is a mistake. We shouldn't be doing this right now.

I can't go into hiding.

What are you hiding?

Mr. President, what did you know and when did you know it?

When will you have a confession?

Will you answer these allegations?

When will you make a statement?

Is this job stuffjust a smoke screen?

Mr. President, did you commit the crime?

Mr. President, I don't know any other way to put it. This dog just won't hunt.

We may be able to hold off on this First Liberty thing for a little while...

...but if you've been running around with this new jobs...

Just put us on a spit and bring in the sauce.

If you could just wait for a couple months. Yeah, wait.

Yeah. No.

No, I don't want to wait a while. We can't.

Mr. President, I understand how you feel...

...but we're talking about obstructing federal regulators...

...violating election laws.

I got people up on the Hill talking impeachment.

What is with President Mitchell lately?

I know the president's supposed to serve four years, but now it may be 15 to 20.

But we make fun of the president. We knock the president. But it's a tough job.

Take today. The president woke up, broke the law, got caught, he pardoned himself.

That is a full day.

And now political action groups... Mr. President.

May I come in?

A dirty business we're in, sometimes.

Yeah.

Mr. President...

...whatever happens, I just wanted you to know that I think your jobs program is...

...a wonderful idea.

Thanks.

Not many people are gonna pay much attention now, but....

Thanks.

Would you like to...

...sit down for a minute?

Sure.

Do you ever....

...think back to how you got started?

I was a shoe salesman.

But not very happy about it.

One day, my wife says to me:

"Why don't you try running for office?

You know? You talk about it all the time.

Why don't you just go do it?"

So I tell my boss...

...I have a dentist appointment...

...and I go down to the Registrar of Voters...

...on my lunch break.

Next thing I know, I'm a councilman.

Really? My wife was my campaign manager.

We had a budget of $2,000 with advertising.

How about you?

Me? Yeah.

How did you get started?

Kind of the same way.

Vice-president's a good man, isn't he?

Yes.

He's a very good man.

I don't want to lose you.

The president has requested this rare, joint session of Congress...

...so he can personally answer the allegations raised by Bob Alexander...

...his former chief of staff.

Frankly, it's hard to recall the last time both houses of Congress...

...convened without so much of an idea of what the president plans to say.

So one Would speculate that it's about the charges...

...against the vice-president and president..

Those rumors have been circulating on Capitol Hill now for several weeks.

It's time to go. Better get inside.

It's all set with Duane? All set.

Everything's here.

Okay, let's go.

Relax.

Right.

Enjoy the moment. Right.

Hello, Ben. Big day, Bob.

Thanks for coming. Come on in. I wouldn't miss it.

You know the Claghorns? Of course. Of course.

Hey, Bob, what do you think?

Put that away. Let's wait till the speech first.

The House will be in order.

Mr. Speaker, the President of the United States.


Thank you. Thank you.

Here it comes.

Mr. Speaker.

Vice-President.

Members of the Congress.

Fellow Americans.

I wish I could be here today under different circumstances.

There are a lot of things about this country that we should be discussing.

But I realize that's not possible now.

As all of you know, my former chief of staff has implicated me in a scandal...

...involving the First Liberty Savings and Loan.

Once people start talking about a scandal, it's hard to talk about anything else.

So fine, let's talk about it.

Bob Alexander has accused me of....

Let me read this to make sure I get it right.

"lllegally influencing government regulators...

...on behalf of major campaign contributors...

...interfering with an ongoing Justice Department investigation...

...and violating federal election laws in the area of campaign finance."

Okay, let's get right to the guts of it.

Each one of these charges is absolutely true.

Die, you pond scum.

I'm the president, and as they say, the buck stops here.

So I take full responsibility for every one of my illegal actions.

But, you see, that's not the whole story.

And I think each one of you is entitled to the whole truth.

I have here written proof...

...in the form of notes, memoranda and personal directives...

...proving that Bob Alexander was also involved...

...in each one of these incidents, and in most cases, planned them as well.

Alan.

Now, allegations of wrongdoing have also been made against Vice-President Nance.

Now, as this evidence will prove, at no time...

...and in no way was the vice-president involved in any of this.

Bob just made all that up.

Vice-President Nance...

...is a good and decent public servant...

...and I'd like to apologize for any pain this may have caused him or his family.

And while we're on the subject...

...I'd like to apologize to the American people.

You see...

...I forgot that I was hired to do a job for you...

...and it was just a temp job at that.

I forgot that I had 250 million people...

...who were paying me to make their lives a little bit better.

And I didn't live up to my part of the bargain.

See....

I think there are certain things you should expect from your president.

I had to care more about you than I do about me.

I had to care more about....

I had to care more about what's right than I do about what's popular.

I ought to be willing to give up this whole thing...

...for something I believe in...

...because if I'm not....

If I'm not...

If I'm not...

If I'm not, then...

...maybe I don't belong here in the first...

Get a doctor! Move it!

Clear the aisle. Clear the aisle.

Calm yourselves.


Let's get him out of there.

Quickly. Quickly.

Mitchell's that way. Stay back.


Well?

You okay getting home?

Yeah, it's not far.

Take care.

Dave.

I would've taken a bullet for you.

Thanks, Duane.


The stroke hit at 8:42 p. m...

...just as the president was concluding his remarks to a joint session of Congress.

Spokesmen of the First Naval Hospital...

...have confirmed it was a massive edema.

And unlike his previous stroke, it has left the president fully incapacitated.

The nation mourned as President William Harrison Mitchell...

...was laid to rest at Arlington National Cemetery early this morning.

After lingering in a coma for almost five months...

...the president succumbed Thursday at 4:20 p.m.

In a bittersweet ceremony in the capital, Vice-President Gary Nance...

...was officially sworn in today as the 45th president of the United States.

Under the terms of the 25th Amendment, Nance has been acting with full authority...

...since Bill Mitchell's incapacitation.

The new president promises a leadership of fairness.

I plan to continue Bill Mitchell's call to arms.

This isn't my presidency, this is his presidency.

And I can't think of a better way to ensure his legacy...

...than to continue the principles he initiated.

Bob Alexander and eight other members of the Mitchell administration...

...were indicted on 34 counts of election law violations...

...and obstruction ofjustice.

Ironically, the indictments came just 48 hours after final passage...

...of the Bill Mitchell Jobs Bill...

...for a comprehensive employment program.

We have a limited amount of buttons, so don't put any buttons in the envelopes.

Honey.

Dave Kobic. Time for a change.

No, no. Kovic. Kovic. Kovic.

Tom. Tom. We have a limited amount of posters.

Just put them in the really busy places.

She's terrific. She can do anything.

Just the flyers. Okay, well, she's changed.

It's the middle of winter. They're gonna turn off her heat. She needs a job.

Open. Like this. Like this. Neat. Neat.

Hi. No buttons.

Would you like to volunteer?

Yeah, sure. Thanks, you're a good man.

Did you get the fund-raising thing I sent you? Yeah, City Council.

We have flyers here. Thanks. All right.

We're on a roll now. Karen, you got a job.

Thank you. It's Monday.

And everybody works on Monday.

Hi. Hi.

I understand you find people jobs?

Well.... This is great.

Yeah, I'm, running... You look great.

I saw you on TV at the funeral and....

Well....

That's finally over.

Why don't we go into my office?