Dear Dictator (2017) Script

♪ Coup d'etat, coup d'etat ♪

♪ Coup d'etat ♪

♪ Coup d'etat ♪

♪ Coup d'etat ♪

♪ The government gets overthrown ♪

♪ A sudden force, a major stroke ♪

♪ Over out, new comes in ♪

♪ Coup d'etat ♪

♪ Give me a bomb ♪

♪ Generalissimo sets up shop ♪

♪ Step out of line, your neck's on a block ♪

♪ Armies marching through the streets ♪

♪ Dressed real sharp, dressed real neat ♪ Tatiana!

♪ Coup d'etat ♪ Tatiana, hustle your ass down here!

Tatiana, now!

Hey, sexpot.

I just wanted to say I had a really nice time last night.

And, um, I'm sorry about what I said in the car.

I... I know how mad it makes you, and I promise I won't say it again.

It's just, I couldn't help myself. I...

I think I am in love with you.

I thought I threw those boots in the trash.

You did.

If you keep fishing them out, you're going to break your neck.

You know, I got better things to do than push you around in a wheelchair the rest of my life.

Morning.


You should've seen the way he was looking at me last night.

I mean, it's real.

And he's so smart.

I shouldn't have said it. I shouldn't have said it.

You never tell 'em you love 'em.

Everybody knows. It's textbook.

Everyone except you, apparently.

Hey, I deserve a little respect.

No, no. You're right on track, sleeping with a married man.

A soon-to-be divorced married man.

Okay, sure.

Could you at least try to fix your hair?

I am fixing it. I'm fixing it to cover my face.

Not that you give a shit, but you look pretty cute when people can actually see your face.

And ditching that thing in your nose wouldn't hurt either.

You're the one who took me to get it.

What can I say? I'm an idiot.

Nnn!

No comment.

Walk much?


I think I might yark.

1975 Mustang Stocker, blue-and-red tampo.

Original package. Never played with.

Wow.

That is so... neat.

I always said when I was a dentist, I was going to have the coolest waiting room.

Well, you succeeded.

Hey, so, um, did you get my message?

I had a really good time last night.

Not here, Darlene.

There's a cleaning in Exam 4.

Hmph.

Hey, Tats.

What's up? Hey.

So, did you read it?

Yeah. I have to be honest.

I'm not sure those books are religious.

I get them from my church.

It's basically torture porn.

That chapter on the left leg of hell, with the demon making that other guy drink molten lead?

Mm-hmm. That was disgusting.

Right? I mean, who knew that hell was divided into parts of the body?

You haven't even gotten to the best chapter yet: the bowels.

Mm. When people are in there, it's like they're swimming in acid.

Their skin burns off.

It's awesome.

Yeah, I'll take your word for it.

I don't know. It's just not that fun to read about the place where my skanky mom's probably going to end up.

Happens to everyone who commits sins of the flesh.

That's her. Biggest slut in the game.

Here. This one's even sicker.

It's the next one in the series.

The devil's actually a parasite that eats a person from the inside out.

I put Post-It notes on all the good parts.

Catch you later. Thank you.

Mm-hmm.

Sophomores, you have proven that teenagers can in fact survive the ancient art of letter writing.

You have personally corresponded with luminaries who have inspired you.

Does anyone care to share whom... not who, whom... you selected?

I wrote to Mark Zuckerberg, 'cause he's so rich.

Inspiring choice. Anyone else?

Miss Miles, care to tell us who you wrote to?

Anton Vincent.

The dictator?

Miss Miles, the assignment was to write to a role model, someone you admire.

I admire his style.

You shouldn't admire anything about him.

He's evil. Okay, well, so were the Khmer Rouge, and they had good style.

Well, I certainly appreciate the shock-and-awe, Tatiana, but honestly, you're smarter than that.

There is a reason 27 countries have united to overthrow Anton Vincent.

He's a horrible person. Who looks cool.

You found the evidence on their computers, yes?

They did not have computers.

Then-Then how did you know they were traitors?

You said they were, sir.

You ordered their executions.

If they had evidence on their computers!

But they didn't have computers.

Fire!

Sir, I'm sorry.

I thought you said that you had the evidence.

I am so sorry, sir. I misunderstood.

Sir, I'm sorry!

Sir, I misunderstood what you said!

Sir! Please! Please forgive me, sir. Please!

Sir! Sir!


Oh.

Oh!

Oh!

Charles, stop it. You're...

Ooh! Oh! That feels so good.

Ah!

You are so sexy.

Oh, my God. Dr. Charles.

Patty won't let me do this to her.

She thinks it's strange.

Oh, my God. She's strange.

It's liberating, right?

Here.

Ah! Keep recording.

I'll watch it again later at home.

Oh, my God. You're amazing.

Chrissake.

Hold that thought. Darlene Miles.

What?

So what are you gonna do?

Who knows?

Maybe we'll be pen pals.

Right. You can ask him his favorite color, his favorite movie, and how many people he's tortured this week.

Dictators get such a bad rap.

I wonder why.

Look, he mailed me his armband, okay?

He can't be that horrible.

When we freed our country from the dirty capitalist swine, we expected a better life.

Yet I regret to say there are still challenges.

The surpluses we expected in milk production were ill-considered.

There are critical shortages of gas, bread, and soap.

I ask that you please try harder.

We are trying harder!

I too must sacrifice.

This morning I learned that my brother-in-arms sold military secrets to the United States.

Oh, my God!

For this, I blame the enemy.

They can take away our friends, but they cannot take away our spirit.

Homeland... or death!

Homeland or death!

You don't belong here!

Put your sunblock on and go home!

Shoot this guy.

Did I tell you I can't practice next week?

Oh, yeah. The Bible retreat. Mm-hmm.

What exactly do you do on those things?

We worship. It's rad.

I... I'm sorry. I don't know why I did that.

It's okay. It's okay.

Um, it's just temptation.

You can shun it.

You're right.

I feel like such a reject.

The Lord will show you the way.

♪ Rape it ♪

♪ Rape it, rape it, rape it ♪

♪ Rape it ♪

♪ Rape it, rape it, rape it ♪

♪ Rape it ♪

♪ Rape it, rape it, rape it ♪

Tatiana, what the hell is wrong with you?

Your forehead vein looks like it's gonna pop.

You should chill.

I'm sorry. How am I supposed to chill when I get a call from the high-school principal saying my kid's a total fuck-up?

I'm sure she used those exact words.

She did, and then she says that you need more guidance... like it's my fault.

You know, you try having a kid when you're in high school, and you see how well you do. No, thank you.

You don't think I want to be some smart-ass writing letters to a dictator for a school project?

I don't even know what that means!

I used to be a rebel once. No.

That's fine. That's fine. Put it away. Okay, I get it.

No, you can stop now. You're not funny.

You're disgusting. Get away from me. Stop!

I'm just saying, look where it got me.

I got you extra Sriracha. You're welcome very much.

I need you to come with me. I'm busy.

You don't even know where I want you to go.

Yeah, to your geezer boyfriend's, so you can sit outside and see if he's cheating on you.

I'm sure he's with someone else.

Like his wife?

Okay, go up. Look in the windows.

He said he was going to be home, but... he hasn't returned any of my texts.

The lights are on.

Go.

March up there and scout out the target, soldier.

Go!

Oop!


Come on, come on!

Let's go!

Was he there?

What do you think? He lives there, With his lovely wife and his two kids.

Those kids aren't even his kids.

They're her kids, from another marriage.

And that Patty bitch isn't so lovely.

She is a psycho bitch who spends all his money and acts like...

Like what? Like she's married to him?

Shit! My armband!

Mom, we got to go back.

Dear Anton, thanks for the armband.

I'm wearing it right now even though my mom hates it, but I hate my mom, so that makes us even.

Okay, to be honest, I'm not wearing it right now, because it fell off when I was running away from someone.

Long story. I hope everything is going good with your country.

From, Tatiana.

Dear Tatiana, I'm sorry you and your mother are feuding.

I have a daughter who is a little older than you, and at times she does not like me either.

Things in my country are difficult right now.

There is a rebel faction that wants to overthrow the government and behead me and my family.

It is stressful.

It feels like there is no one I can trust.

Oh, I can totally relate about the trust thing.

I just got dicked over by a teacher who's got a stick up his butt 'cause I wrote to you.

To give you an idea of the loser-dom at my school, there's a group of girls who call themselves "slushies."

It stands for "sluts and lushes."

Sarvia is the one they all worship, which is a joke, if you ever saw her.

She thinks whale tails look good.

And somehow, everyone agrees with her.

Borderline retarded, right?

Anyway, I'm sorry that people want to kill you and your family.

That's messed up.

By the way, what's your favorite color?

Your letters have been a welcome respite from my struggles.

In addition to making threats of invasion, the United States supports the rebel army and has placed an embargo around our borders.

It is impossible for goods to come in or out.

My people cannot get medical supplies, and many people are dying.

My favorite color is purple.

I like purple too.

Does the embargo mean that you can't download cool music?

That blows.

Maybe I can rip a CD for your daughter.

Does she like classic '80s hardcore?

Bands like the Meatmen, the Dead Kennedys, Gangrene, Dead Milkmen, the Butthole Surfers, Agent Orange?

Oh, definitely the Circle Jerks.

Thank you for your lively music.

My daughter enjoyed it.

The rebels have surrounded the capital.

I know it sounds psycho

'cause we've never even met, but... sometimes I feel like you're the only one who gets me.

My correspondence will be less frequent.

Big bummer.

P.S., I drew you a picture.

Mom, what's going on in there?

You better not O.D. on cough syrup again!

What happened?

He fired me.

He said I was causing him added stress.

He didn't complain about added stress when... when I was doing that thing that his... that his wife won't let him do.

No, ew, Mom. Too much. No, it's not what you think.

God, I let him put my...

No, no, no. I really don't need to know.

But, um, I think it's safe to say Mr. Sexpot wasn't your ticket to the American dream.

It's okay.


Hey, Den.

You know this maxi pad?

Yeah, we know each other. We jam together.

Tatiana, Sarvia.

Sarvia, Tatiana.

We're already acquainted.

So when'd you get back from Jesus camp?

I tried your cell all night.

That must've been when we were... busy.

Okay, well, I just wanted to let you know that I wrote back to the dictator.

Oh, I heard about that little genius plan of yours.

I don't mean to crush your dreams or anything, but, you know, your pen pal's probably dead.

What do you know about it? It's all over Twitter.

We droned the shit out of his country this morning.

Everything's all blown up.

The palace of communist dictator Anton Vincent has been under siege for the past three days.

U.S.-backed island nationals have ousted what would be the last of the colonial families.

Vincent, a third-generation strongman, is still unaccounted for.

Why aren't you in school? Shh!

Don't shush me.

Honey, you're already on thin ice.

...to the islanders, who are now shelling his palace and pillaging his residence.

Off. Leave me alone, all right?

Hey, Tats.

Did you miss me?

What kind of name is Sarvia anyway?

Biblical. From the Old Testament.

Oh. I bet her dad would be mighty proud to find out how skanky his daughter really is.

It's not just... her.

Tats, me and Sarvia... we uh... we had sex.

Liar.

She brought some Molly on the trip, and we took it, and it-it was crazy.

I'm going to hell, Tats.

I don't believe you. You're lying.

I wish I were.

She made me record the whole thing.

I don't want to see that!

I'm sending it to you anyway.

There. Sent.

Maybe it'll purge me.

Say something.

Please?

Get out. Tats, I don't know what...

Get out!

Get the fuck out! Go!

Get out!


It's you.

Yes. It's me.

Don't make a sound.

I want some water, some food, and a computer for the World Wide Web.

Okay?

I'm going to remain here.

And don't do anything foolish, because if they find me here, we could both die.

You understand? Okay?

Go. Go on. Oh, my God.

Do we have any real food in this house?

What are you, on a health kick?

No, but it would be nice if we had something other than candy.

I'm here.

Okay.

Did you bring the provisions?

The modem's in my room.

The-The World Wide Web?

But you have to wait till my mom's gone.

Oh. Okay?

I apologize if I frightened you.

It's okay.

Uh, did you bring your daughter with you?

No, she's hidden on the island.

I'm waiting till I contact my comrades tomorrow.

With your help.

Okay. Also, um, this is all we had... Red Bull, Fun Dust... but it's a pretty sick combination, I think.

Give here.

Yeah, it's a little strong.

Here.

Hold out your hand.

Okay.

You're smaller than I imagined.

And you're older.


What the hell? You can't be in here!

I'm trying to contact my comrades.

How do you use this device?

Okay, you're not even in my mail program.

Listen, if my mom sees you, she'll wig out.

I'm not even half-joking.

This is no time for petty matters.

Tatiana, two minutes, and I'm dust!

I have to go to school! What am I supposed to tell her?

Uh, tell her you're sick.

You'll learn far more with me than you will from the U.S. education system.

Tatiana!

Are you on meth?

Why aren't you dressed?

I... I think I'm sick.

Oh. Great.

Dragged my ass out of bed for nothing.

Well, you need to find a job, don't you?

Look who's telling who what's what.

Worry about yourself, missy.

I am. You don't work, I don't eat.

Has she gone? She will be.

Good.

My comrades are waiting for me for instructions.

I'm organizing a revolutionary force, and I will re-take the capital.

For this, I need your help.

You mean, my help? Your...

I'm not exactly a revolutionary.

No, you are infinitely more capable than you think you are.

The only people who agree with you are right here in this room, and I'm not one of them.

I'm going!

If you so much as step out of this house, I'm gonna kick you in the ass when I'm back!

Love you too, Mom.

I assume you have a video camera.

Why would you assume that?

You Americans fill your homes with things you don't need.

Okay, but apparently you need it.

We don't have video cameras, We have cell phones with cameras on them.

Oh, well, we'll use that then, eh?

Um, you're not taking hostages or anything, are you?

'Cause just so you know, I am un-cool with that.

No, no, no.

Okay.

Oh, and I need a, uh, clean shirt.

My mom got that at a hygienist convention.

It's nice, yeah?

Okay, action.

Comrades, countrymen, brothers-in-arms, Anton Vincent is alive and building an army of thousands.

I will return, and together, we will repel the invaders.

Never give up. Never falter.

Homeland or death.

How was that?

♪ Jealous cowards try to control ♪

♪ Rise above, we're gonna rise above ♪

♪ They distort what we say ♪ O-Okay, turn it off.

We're done.

Okay. A classic song of revolt, but it's your call.

We must hand-deliver a copy of the video to the offices of CNN.

Dude, you really are in the Dark Ages.

We can just post it.

No posts! A hard copy.

Fine. I'll burn a DVD.

There's a local news studio...

Then we bring it there.

Okay, sorry to be a buzz-kill, but we're lacking wheels.

In my country, we ride on legs, not foreign oil.

We can't ride our bikes there. It's like two miles.

We ride.

Fine. But you need a disguise.

Well, you're a better well-dressed man than I was.

The well-dressed man? Blue Velvet?

That was my Halloween costume last year.

What's that?

It's a bicycle.

No, it's not. That's a tricycle.

Okay, well, you said you wanted to ride with legs.

Yeah, but not on a tricycle.

It was my grandma's. She didn't know how to ride a bike.

Wh...

♪ One Saturday, I took a walk to Zipper-head ♪

♪ I met a girl there, and she almost knocked me dead ♪

♪ Punk-rock girl ♪ ♪ Please look at me ♪

♪ Punk-rock girl ♪ ♪ What do you see? ♪

♪ Let's travel around the world ♪

♪ Just you and me, punk-rock girl ♪

♪ I tapped her on the shoulder and said ♪

♪ "Do you have a beau?" ♪

♪ She looked at me and smiled and said she did not know ♪

♪ Punk-rock girl ♪ ♪ Give me a chance ♪

♪ Punk-rock girl ♪ ♪ Let's go slam-dance ♪

♪ We'll dress like Minnie Pearl just you and me ♪

♪ Punk-rock girl ♪

♪ We went to the Village Pizza Company ♪

♪ And ordered some hot tea ♪

♪ The waitress said, "Well, no, we only have it iced" ♪

♪ So we jumped up on the table and shouted "anarchy" ♪ You did it?

We did it.

Good work, comrade. Thank you.

I need A-C.

Dude, you need a new outfit.

There's a mall a few blocks down, but let's walk.

♪ Just you and me ♪

♪ Punk-rock girl ♪ We can just grab some lunch...

Hussy.


Oh, no. No, no.

What size are you?

I have no idea.

How's that possible?

Don't be embarrassed. You're not a heifer or anything.

Only my tailor knows my size.

He's been making my uniforms for 26 years.

Does everyone in your country have a personal tailor?

Go and get the clothes.

I found just the thing for you.


This... is me.

Hey, I think he's looking at me. Look.

Look down. Don't look at him.

Don't make eye contact.

Excuse me. Sir. Don't look up.

Don't look up. Don't look up.

Oh, shoot!

Sir, you've got to wait.

Hey! Stop!

What the hell, buddy?

Okay, listen, he is not who you think he is.

I don't care who he is.

When somebody with a badge tells you to stop, you stop!

I'm so sorry. My uncle's not from around here.

Now, can you produce a receipt for those items?

Receipt? Uh-huh.

Yeah, yeah. Of course. Let me see it.

Of course.

Nobody leaves the store without a hole punch.

Got it? Yep.

Darlene. What... What are you doing here?

You don't own the parking lot, Charles.

Actually, I do.

But that's beside the point. Why are you here?

I want things to go back to the way they were, or I'm going to sue for sexual harassment.

And I'm going to tell Patty.

We both know I have video to prove it.

You're insane.

I thought that's what you liked about me.

Work it out.

And this is my daughter's.

Tatiana! Oh, shit! Denny!

Tatiana, open the door.

Hey.

Is he looking for me?

Worse. He's looking for me.

You deserve better, Tatiana.

You don't even know him.

I heard what he said about the other woman in the garage.

If he doesn't see your worth, he's not worth seeing.

Come on.

I feel like one of your soldiers, wounded in battle.

You're not a foot soldier.

You're a commander.

Commander of what? Loser-ville?

Over your world, you have power.

But you don't know how to wield it.

Your classmates are bourgeoisie.

You're proletariat.

You must rise up and conquer.

It's easy for you to say.

You don't go to Seely. They're like royalty.

Well, be easy to topple 'em.

The masses despise royalty.

Oh.

I want to use your World Wide Web.

You can just say "Internet."

No, no, no. The address has to go in the address field, not in the subject.

Then down here, this is where you write your letter.

And when you're done, you hit "send."

How long till they receive it?

Point-5 seconds.

Point-5 seconds?

Ah.

Are you sure you want to go back there?

My people need me.

The people who drove a tank through your house?

They will realize their error, and I will lead the revolution.

Mm-hmm. I'm not trying to be negative here, but didn't they just have a revolution to get rid of you?

Uh-oh.

Crap, my mom's here. Okay.

Uh, hide in the closet. Go.

Go, go! Don't make a sound!

Tatiana? Hmm?

Hey.

What's going on in there?

Nothing.

I thought you were sick.

I was.

I mean, I am.

Even barfed.

Is your friend Denny in there? No.

Look, I've got my bullshit detector on, so don't even try lying to me.

No. No. No. Is Denny in there?

No. He is not in there.

You should... No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

No!

Ah.

You know, it does really burn me up when you hide things from me. I'm not.

So you shouldn't feel that way. Really?

Because when it comes to the opposite sex, I could really lend you some pointers.

Thank you.

Like number one, when you're hiding a guy in your room, the worst place you can hide him is in that closet.

First place everybody looks. Really?

And the second-worst place is under the bed.

Hello?

Now, behind the door is the best place, because as soon as the parental goes for the closet, the guy slips out, and he's home free.

You know so much. Mom, I'm actually feeling really sick.

Can you go and make me some tea or some soup?

Of course. Okay. Thank you.

I'm just gonna... check the closet!

No, no, Mom. Don't... No. Mom! Mom, don't!

Stop screaming. Mom, please, don't be mad.

I was gonna tell you about him, I swear.

I'm not going to hurt you.

I'm a friend of your daughter's.

My name is Anton Vincent. It's okay, Mom.

He's not a creepy child molester. He's a dictator.

No, I'm here to contact my comrades.

It's true. He's totally M.I.A.

I'm waiting for instructions from the resistance, and I'll be on my way tomorrow.

Don't be scared. He's the good kind of dictator, not the kind that tortures people.

Right, Anton?

Well, in-in the name of-of the revolution, I've done things that I'm-I'm not proud of.

Whatever, but he didn't torture anyone, so it's fine.

Sometimes, to protect the right of the majority, you have to infringe the rights of the minority.

Okay, but you didn't torture people. Tell her.

I chose the lesser of two evils.

You tortured people?!

They were traitors, jeopardizing the security of thousands of citizens!

You think there's no blood on your hands? Eh?

Have you seen what your country has done round the world so that you can all have a big TV screen?

We don't have a big TV screen. But you could have.

You could have anything.

That's what drives you... what you could have, not what you have.

You're a country of greedy swine.

You just keep eating, eating, eating, until you can't speak!

All right.

If you want me to go, I will.

But please let me leave the way I came: quietly.

Will you excuse us for a second?

Oh, oh, yes, I'm sorry.

Please.

Bloody hell.

I just want to let you know that I had nothing to do with this, okay?

I never invited him here.

He just showed up, and then when the principal called and you got really mad at that, I didn't want to freak you out even more.

Tatiana. Tatiana. He is a political refugee.

And by law, we're supposed to give him asylum.

Tatiana, for Chrissake!

Why didn't you tell me?

Okay, I swear I will never not tell you I'm hiding a dictator ever again.

Uh, so can he stay?

Do you think he could fix the garage door?

Hey, my mom got us Subway.

Thank you. And, uh, here's a list of all the junk she wants you to do around the house.

Okay.

Just put that there.

Have you got any more of that colored powder?

Fun Dust? Yeah.

Huh. You're hooked.

Remember when you said I had the power to change stuff at my school?

Do you really think that's true?

Oh, yes.

Okay.

Do you have factions at your high school?

You mean like cliques?

Mm, those only exist in movies about high school.

Yeah, well, I don't watch high-school movies.

Well, what movies do you watch?

I don't watch movies.

Seriously? Mm.

You're missing out. There are some great movies.

Okay, my favorite, it's called Maniac Cop 2.

It's about this cop... actually, he's a dead cop.

So then he dies, he comes back to life, and then he leads a revolution with the guys on death row.

Maniac Cop? 2.

First one isn't as political.

Oh, I'll bear that in mind.

Now, let's get down to things that matter.

Factions.

Let's assume the factions in your school orbit around the ones you have dubbed slushies.

How is it that the few always rule the many?

Two methods: love and fear.

Many must love these slushies, and many more must fear them.

Either way, it creates the same effect... they have power, and they use it to maintain a stable state.

Sounds about right.

What happens if you disrupt that power with swift, decisive action?

Confusion.

The masses won't have a figurehead to love and fear, and they need one.

It's human nature.

There's infighting, revolt, chaos.

You must gird yourself for blood in the streets.

Metaphorically, right?

Oh, yeah. Metaphorically. Yes.

Some innocents will, metaphorically, fall.

But this cannot sway a determined leader.

When the moment is ripe, like a grape, you will crush the fruit.

The mere presence of authority will return the state to its natural order.

Have you heard the term "coup d'etat," the seizure of power from the establishment?

Yeah, we learned about it in history class.

Well, this could be yours, your "coup d'Tatiana."


♪ Viva ♪

♪ Into the dungeon with the evil men ♪

♪ The people have risen, we're free again ♪

♪ Come out of the closet, come out of the hole ♪ Come out of the woodwork, come into the fold

♪ Rebels and fighters, a license to kill ♪

♪ Unite with the bandits down from the hills ♪ Open your windows, open your doors ♪

♪ Open your minds to a freedom of thought ♪

♪ Viva the revolution ♪

♪ Viva the revolution ♪

♪ Viva the revolution ♪

♪ Viva the revolution ♪

♪ Raise your voices, raise the flag ♪

♪ Smash the symbols of the life you've had ♪

♪ Long live the future, long live the scheme ♪

♪ Long live our hopes and long live the dream ♪

You fixed it! It wasn't difficult.

It's the same wiring as the bombs the enemy drops on us.

Okay, people, let's move it along.

Mom, keep it in check.

He's not a bad handyman, for a dictator.

That's not what I meant. Goodbye.

He's got this sort of... mm... forceful manliness.

Okay, that's what I meant.

If you're entertaining any fantasies about him, press "delete."

He is the kind of guy who'd break into your bedroom, tie you up, and make you feel...

Ew! That's so gross! He's like 1,000 years old!

Do you want me to lie? Fine.

Anton's a wuss.

Peace out. Stay out of trouble.

Bye.

Excuse me. Miss Miles?

That's me. Wow.

You and Tatiana could be sisters.

I'm sorry. I'm Mr. Spines, your daughter's social studies teacher.

Well, aren't you the yummy one?

I, um, I was wondering if you'd be interested in grabbing an herbal tea?

That is so flattering.

I'd love to go on a date with you.

Oh. Oh, no.

No, I'm sorry. I'm afraid you have the wrong idea.

No, I wanted to talk to you about Tatiana's situation at home.

I have some concerns, and I was hoping I could learn a little more about her background.

You know what you can learn about?

How to shove sand up your ass!

There's more where that came from.

Way more.

Sarvia Siemers? My office. Now.


Mr. Willow...

This is my station. Beat it!

You can start drilling, Doctor.

Uh...

Jose, hold the sombrero.

Hey, you want to earn 50 bucks and a six-pack of Corona?

Oh, sí, señor. Mucho gracias.

Just do the lawn and trim the fichus.

Yeah? Oh...

You're not Latino. I'm sorry.

No, I'm Latino in spirit.

Uh, either way, you're a great gardener.

Thank you.

It's about time the girls had some help.

You know her parents left her this place, right?

But after two years of Darlene... disaster.

She's been bringing up her daughter.

Another disaster.

Jose, where are you going?

How dumb do you have to be to sign your own name?

It was 20 grand worth of damage.

She's totally not capable of that.

Yeah, they found the stencil in her locker.

I mean, it'll go on her permanent record for sure.

So embarr...

Holy shit. We're dying. Tell us everything.

About what? Sarvia. Duh.

I heard she's getting expelled. That is so messed up.

I thought only dirt-bags tagged.

Maybe 'cause she is a dirt-bag?

Well if that ain't the tranny callin' the queen a homo.

Okay, call me whatever you want, but how come your friend went and spray-painted the whole school?

And she forgot about you, huh?

I didn't see any "Chivas rules" or "Gigi." So?

She probably didn't want to include us

'cause she didn't want to get us busted.

Or not. Remember Hilton Head? She got us busted then.

Fat bitch. You're such a backstabber.

Oh, not like it matters. She's never coming back.

You'd like that, wouldn't you? Oh, excuse me?

You just want to be top bitch, don't you?

In case you're wondering why I'm so jazzed, I got my old job back.

Praise the Lord.

Oh, you've been a busy bee.

Mm-hmm. The lawn looks great.

I also mowed your neighbor's grass.

You're a man of many accomplishments.

Tatiana? Hmm?

Any accomplishments your end?

Well, if you call deposing the slushies an accomplishment, then yes.

And did you seize power?

Step three.

Hmm. She's not like most Americans, you know.

They accept what they are fed.

Mega-plexes, McMansions, mortgages.

And in the end, they accept death.

But she will not.

A rebel never accepts.

A rebel questions, a rebel challenges, a rebel charges.

And in that event, she will not die.

You know a lot about this stuff.

Never give up. Never falter.

Homeland or death. Anton, it's you!

Experts are still investigating the authenticity of the video...

I like you better clean-shaven. Oh, thank you.

That video was left anonymously at On Scene News KSDD.

Now, Vincent's whereabouts are unknown at this time, but authorities do suspect that he could be hiding out in the mountains outside of the capital.

Right, and the strange image of actor Jennifer Lawrence has prompted the Oscar winner to step up security.

Isn't that odd? Very. It's a strange story.

It's only a matter of time before my comrades contact me.

Tell you what, let's cook something.

Celebrate all our successes, you know.

Not American fast food.

Don't get all worked up. She doesn't cook.

I do.

In the siege of 1992, we were in the mountains, and we had to forage for food and cook it for ourselves.

I-I imagine you have chocolate.

Always.

Tatiana, in the pocket of my uniform, you'll find a dried cayenne pepper.

Got it. Great.


I had a Latina come with us, and this is her famous mole Maria.

No shit, I have never seen anything so pretty.

Mm-mm. Not in this kitchen, you haven't.

I got to document this before we go and ruin it.

Now I remember why I don't cook.

It's hard with no help.

Yeah. It's always just been... her and me.

Where's your husband?

I never had that.

You? Oh, she passed away.

Oh, shit.

Oh, we were separated before that.

Oh.

I was a good leader of men and a bad companion of women.

I'm like you.

I'm... I'm a bad companion to men.

You're a good leader of women.

Tatiana has tremendous potential.

No one's ever said that to me before.

Then no one's been paying attention.

I don't know what it is about you, but you just make me want to be better.

Good night, General Vincent. Good night, Miss Miles.

You're not actually going to eat this crap?

I happen to like my tacos, bitch.

Oh, how very "street" of you. I'd rather eat antifreeze.

You mean "drink." Whatever, brain surgeon.

What are you doing?

Cutting. You can't just cut.

Why not? You do it.

Go back, maxi pad.

I don't use maxi pads, reject.

Oh, my God. What... What is she doing?

Uggh!

Here's some ketchup for your salad.

She totally Red Lobster'ed you.

Chiv, help me up!

No, you're covered in nastiness.

Whale tails are the opiates of the masses!

Oohh....


All right, Teddy, just count backwards from 10.

Ten, nine...

Okay.

You said you wanted things to go back to the way they were.

Right now?

This is the way things were.

Mm, Dr. Charles.

Oh.

Oh, put your tongue all over me.

Oh, yeah. Oh, you're such a man.

Coalition forces are still searching for clues to the whereabouts of Anton Vincent.

Get down! Stay down!

Stay! Don't move! Don't move!

Stay on the ground. Stay down.

Why do you have this? Stay on the ground.

Why do you have this? Where'd you get it?

Hey, where'd you get it? Where'd you get this?

Donde esta? You guys speak Spanish?

Anton Vincent?

You're back early.

Tough day. All that jazz.

Look.

I fixed the tap. No drip.

What do you say you and I go out for a couple drinks and just laugh our asses off?

Well, I wouldn't want to put you in any danger.

We'll go somewhere no one will recognize you.

This is the only place Charles ever brought me because he knew his wife wouldn't show up.

Can you believe it?

Here. Try again.

Oh. At last.

Well. Well, you get an automatic 6.

How was his game? Charles?

He sucked worse than you.

I always had to miss on purpose.

Sometimes I wish I could be a lesbian, you know?

Like, I have spent my whole life chasing men, like they're gonna come in and fix all my problems.

They're men. I mean, think about it.

There are no girl rapists or serial killers... except for that one chick they made a movie about, but that doesn't count, 'cause she looked like a dude.

When was the last time you heard about a woman child molester?

Hmm? I mean, like, when there's an Amber Alert, are they ever looking for a 5'2" blonde driving a VW Bug? No!

Because women don't have that whole power trip deal.

I mean, there's never even been a lady dictator, has there?

Some women who married dictators carried on after their husband died.

But, I mean, I agree with you. Men have written history, not always justly.

Women who feel like you do should take power.

And if they do better, I'd be the first to applaud.

You're right. Wait.

What? Behind you, by the children's toddler ride.

Someone is watching us.

What do we do?

Drop your club.

I paid three cents for that on Amazon, plus the shipping and handling.

That should be read by every military leader.

Just be careful ordering stuff on the Internet, okay?

Now is the time, you know, to expand your power base, bring your teachers under your yoke... oh, and the, uh, the boy in the garage.

Denny? You have emotion for him.

He could be a threat. Wait. No, no, no.

First off, I don't have any emotions for Denny.

Let's get that straight. Second, he's too scared of his dad to be a threat to anyone.

He's afraid of his father? Yeah.

His dad's, like a superhero-level Christian.

I mean, like, he would ground him for life if he found out that he had sex with Sarvia.

Well, you should expose him, then.

No. I could never do that.

I mean, okay, I am pissed at him for being an idiot, but that would be way too harsh.

That's why you do it.

Making them fear you is just as good, if not better, than making them love you.

Aren't you supposed to be focusing on your own revolution right now?

I mean, your men aren't exactly punctual.

Are you questioning the loyalty of my men?

No, I-I just thought, like, maybe you had your own problems to deal with.

They are bivouacking in the mountains, and I could get a communique from them at any hour.

Okay. You don't have to get all hissy.

I get it.

Please, Father, relieve my burden.

Dennis, get your heinie down here and wash these dishes.

Coming. Just saying my prayers.

Who wins the human race?

I do.

♪ That girl thinks she's the queen of the neighborhood ♪

Where'd you get that?

Good one. I'm serious.

You forwarded it. To everyone.

Where's Denny?

Probably digging his own grave.

What?

Denny, I didn't do it.

You were supposed to be the only other person who saw it.

Do you realize what a bag of crap my life is about to turn into?

I'm sorry.

Anton, open up!

I told you not to mess with Denny, and you did it anyway.

You cyber-bullied him.

That's, like, the worst thing you can do to someone!

Oh, I can think of a few worse things.

He thinks I did it. You should have.

"Conscience doth make cowards of us all."

That's Hamlet. A leader for the ages.

Who got assassinated.

Yes. A noble end.

Screw you! You too.

Pick up.

Hi, Denny, it's me.

Look, I swear I did not leak that video.

You have no idea how insane it is over here.

Please, please, please call me back, okay? Bye.

Mom, did you hear that?

Anton, what's that noise?

There you go.

Anton, no!

What are you doing?

He was spying on me. Are you milk-boarding him?

Well, I'm-I'm procuring information.

He's a government agent. I know this guy.

Mr. Spines?

Mr. Spines? This is my social studies teacher!

Damn it.

I'm sorry! I'm not a spy!

I'm not a spy! I'm not a spy!

I was concerned about Tatiana.

I thought there might be some trouble at home, so I called Child Protective Services, and they told me...

Wait a minute. You called Child Services on me?!

Well, no. Well, yeah.

No, I thought when you refused to discuss the situation, I thought it was a red flag, so I just...

But now I can see everything...

No, everything's perfectly normal.

You were spying on me? What? Take my camera.

I'll tear up the report! It's all good!

Mom, no! Mom, stop it!

Mom, wait! Stop, stop!

Have you gone completely bat-shit!

You think I'm a bad mother? I'm a seriously bad mother!

I'm sorry. I've gotten the wrong man.

What the hell is wrong with you people!


Fraud.

Excuse me?

I didn't hear what you said.

You are a fraud.

A fraud is someone who is pretending to be something he isn't.

I am what I am... a man with a past, and certainly a man with a future.

Yeah.

Torturing innocent dudes in suburbia.

What an awesome future.

It's better that a man loses his head than a country loses a war.

What war?

Don't you get it? The war is over.

The war is never over.

There's no one left to fight.

What are you gonna do, blow up my school?

I am a rebel, and I will keep going until someone stops me.

You think you're going to be that someone?

My daughter Chloe and I are estranged.

I can see why.

And she was engaged to a man who we suspected of treason.

A dissident.

A threat to the state.

And my daughter was in love with him.

So what did you do?

I had him executed, and my daughter spent three years in prison.

You must have the courage to do what you believe in, even if it hurts the ones that you love.

Do you have that kind of courage, Tatiana?

Do you?

That's sad.

I thought you were a rebel, but you're just a punk.

Some jack-wagon egged our house.

It has been decades since these island people have seen a free and fair election.

Turnout at the polls is said to be 90%, and the mood on the streets is jubilant.

It's almost as if the outcome doesn't matter, as long as Anton Vincent isn't the winner.

You want some brekkie? We have, like, six different kinds of sugar cereal, and doughnuts.

These ones are really good.

Oh, we got a lot left too.

Anton?

Anton!

Anton, stop!

Anton! Anton!

Anton! Anton, stop!

Anton!

Hi.

I am so sorry. I did not mean that.

It's okay. I am such a klutz.

I'm so sorry. It's okay.

I am really sorry. It's fine.

Dude, he's gonna jump!

Who's jumping? Who's jumping?

Denny. Denny?

He's gonna jump!

Denny!

I have broken divine law!

I have disobeyed my Father.

Denny, get down. I realize that by taking my own life, I am committing a second mortal sin.

That's okay.

The left leg of hell is too good for me.

I want to go all the way to the stomach, where the worst people go!

Denny, stop!

No!

What is wrong with you? Stop it!

Ow! Ow!

Ow, ow, ow, ow!

Ow. This hurts.

Ow! My legs, uh, I think they're broken.

Ow. Ow. Ow.

Somebody call 911.

What's with all the hoopla?

Denny tried to kill himself. He jumped off the roof.

Of the school?

That's not even two stories.

Yeah, that's why he didn't die. He just broke a bunch of bones.

Not the sharpest knife, is he? Mom, stop.

Guess what. What?

Anton thinks that I could actually become a real dentist.

Oh, does he? Yeah.

Oh.

I guess in his country, there's more doctors per capita than any other country in the whole world. Can you believe that?

Yeah, that's 'cause all the idiots who get rejected for med school here go there.

Why do you have to be such a downer?

Anton thinks that I can do it, and... you know, I feel really good about my knowledge of teeth.

Anton is a liar.

I looked him up on Wikipedia, okay?

He is not the great revolutionary he claims to be.

Don't say that. Did you know that he was handed the job from his dictator dad?

And this whole rebel thing? That's bullshit.

He fought one battle in the mountains from a helicopter.

Oh, Christ. I'm not even speeding.

You don't think they're looking for Anton, do you?

If they tracked his eight zillion emails, it wouldn't be a shocker.

I thought you were being careful.

I was being careful.

He's the one on the Internet 24-7.

You were supposed to be helping him.

He doesn't know the Internet like you do!

If they don't have their flashers on, I don't have to pull over, right?

That's the law, isn't it? Look it up.

Just pull in and act normal.


I picked up some ingredients for fried bananas.

You see, the secret is in the oil.

See how it caramelizes? Mm-hmm.

Smell it.

Mm.

They're all over the place.

Anton, I told you.

We have to hide you. Come on.

Oh, my God! What are we gonna do?

Darlene, I am not afraid to face them.

They will extradite me, and my people will welcome me home.

Please, Anton, just stay inside.

Mom, stop it.

I don't want you to go out there.

Just let him go! You're gonna get us all killed!

Shh!

Exit the house with your hands raised.

This is your final warning.

Come out of the house now.

Sir, he's standing there with his arms raised!

Ma'am, remain inside.

Well, what more do you want from him?

We don't want the grandpa, we want the girl.

What girl?

Tatiana Louise Miles.

What did you do? I didn't do anything.

Come out now, or we're coming in.


"Check it out, homies.

Hashtag slutbag, hashtag... druggie in da houzzz."

That was your email.

Anton said that.

I would never hashtag in an email.

No one would. Excuse me?

That e-blast was sent from your daughter's computer.

Well, how do you know she sent it?

Somebody else could've sent it.

It's unlikely.

Okay, let's say she did send it... which she didn't, but let's say she did... is it a crime to send an email?

That depends on the content. Two teens in bed?

Both over 18, perv.

And under covers. You can't even see anything.

Did you know your daughter secretly idolized Anton Vincent, the dictator?

She wrote as many as five letters to him, letters she believed he was answering.

You used this very computer to try to contact Vincent's associates, known arms dealers.

Your hard drive shows inquiries about assault rifles, shoulder-launched missiles, anti-aircraft ordnance.

You think she was gonna use anti-aircraft ordnance on the school?

It's possible. There were battle plans in your garage, detailing a revolution against teachers and students.

No, that was a social revolution, like in Mean Girls?

Miss Miles, I love Mean Girls as much as the next guy.

I wish to God we could go back to a time when Regina George on diet pills was scary, but those days are gone forever.

The Plastics aren't a threat we care about.

Plastic explosives... now, that's a threat.

So, tell us, are you hiding weaponry?

No. I don't have any weaponry.

You surfed a Web site called "Commando Wholesale."

You bid on, and won, a used Soviet T-72 tank!

What are you hiding, little girl?

Not a tank. You're hiding something!

What is it?

This is Detective Spano.

You got anything solid?

We got nothing.

Nothing here.

We're out of here. You're free to go, but that doesn't mean you're free.

We'll be watching you. Yeah.

You heard what they said. Come on.

I am hiding something.

Assault rifles. Shoulder-launched missiles.

I'm not hiding weapons, you morons.

I'm hiding a man. No, Mom, I'm doing this!

No, my daughter, she's under duress, and she doesn't know...

Anton Vincent has been living in our house.

No! Don't listen to her. You said it yourself...

She believes that he's writing her letters. She's delusional!

You're the one who's delusional, Mom!

Can't you see that he wants us to turn him in?

You can't see what he's capable of, because you're totally in love with him!

I am not in love with him!

What do you think? He's gonna move in, he's gonna fix all the broken shit, he's gonna screw you and ask you to marry him?

Shut up!

Um, you still got a 20 on the grandpa?

Wow. This is a lot nicer than the rehab center my mom went to.

Yeah, it's pretty nice.

So, he told them that he was holding us hostage, and he forced me to do things I would never do, so basically, they dropped the charges.

Sounds like an upstanding dude.

Kinda, for a dictator.

So, um, about Sarvia...

Yeah. I'm an idiot.

Um, listen, if you really liked her, she seems like a nice girl, and maybe I didn't give her a chance.

You gave her a chance.

And she's not so awesome.

Did I wreck everything?

If there ever was a chance for me and you, did I blow it?

No.

But maybe we should take it slow, you know, see where it all goes.

Slow's good. Yeah.

Ow. Sorry.

Kidding. Okay.


They're not torturing you or anything, are they?

Only the food. It's worse than your mother's.

"I am tied to the stake, but I stand by the cause."

Hamlet.

King Lear.

More apropos.

Ah. This might help.

Delicious.

I wrote to my daughter.

I only did it because of you.

I'm the one who turned you in.

I know.

Well, I mean, it's your fault. You're the one who told me to stand up for what I believe in.

I'm proud of you, Tatiana.

Why?

Because you became a rebel.

You found your voice.

Use it wisely.

How'd it go?

Did I do the right thing?

Not that I have any experience with it, but...

if it was hard, it was probably the right thing.

I got to make a stop.

Where? Charles.

Seriously? You're NOT making me spy on him again. I'm not...

Pipe down. It's a different kind of mission.

Okay, Sharon, everything's looking...

Charles? Darlene!

You said you didn't want the Saturday...

I don't want any shift.

I'm here to quit.

FYI, your dentist here, he likes to suck feet.

Anton Vincent was extradited to his homeland today.

Charged with crimes against humanity, the one-time strongman will face a military tribunal.

A coup forced Papa Vincent, as he was known, into exile.

He fled to the United States but was captured when his mother-daughter hostages managed to escape.

On Scene Now News is live with reaction.

You girls have been through a huge ordeal.

Do you care to comment?

It's been completely life-changing.

I honestly think I have PTSD.

You'd think the leader of a country wouldn't cyber-bully, but, like, he totally did.

You know, he seemed like a pretty nice guy, until he did this to my fichus.

Oh, you don't even want to see my lawn.

And I think he stole my lawn mower.

Come on.

Let's eat.

Mole Maria, in honor of him.

Hmm. This actually isn't half bad.

A compliment.

Relax. All I said was, "Isn't half bad."

Not half bad... is half good, so I'll take it as a compliment.

I guess your pal got his pen back.

There's one for you too.