Death Becomes Her (1992) Script

Can you believe that? A musical version of "Sweet Bird of Youth."

Who are they kidding? Thank God, you wanted to leave.

Can you believe Madeline Ashton? Talk about waking the dead.

I gotta get a drink.

♪ What do I see ♪

♪ That's the question I'm most afraid of ♪

♪ One that asks me what I'm really made of ♪

♪ What do I see ♪

♪ Much more than a reflection ♪

♪ A romance with sheer perfection ♪

♪ I see me I see me ♪

♪ Actress, woman star and lover ♪

♪ Sister, sweetheart slave and mother ♪

♪ I see me ♪

♪ And I like what I see ♪

♪ Virgin, temptress dream of others ♪

♪ Yes, it's me ♪

♪ Yes, it's me ♪

- ♪ We see you ♪ ♪ You mean me ♪

♪ Idol, goddess shameless hussy ♪

♪ Diva, princess lewd and lusty ♪

♪ Ah ah ah ah ah ah ♪

♪ Ah ah ah ah ah ah ♪


She's sensational.

♪ That's not me Can't be me ♪

- ♪ Angel devil ♪ ♪ You can trust me ♪

♪ Mon ami ♪

♪ I see ♪

♪ Whoo-whoo ♪

♪ Everywhere I look, baby all I see is ♪

- ♪ A contradiction ♪ ♪ Oh, come on ♪

- ♪ A bad addiction ♪ ♪ Knock it off ♪

- ♪ Inspiration to a generation ♪ ♪ Now you're talkin' ♪

♪ That's you ♪

♪ That's me ♪♪

Wow!

Oh, boy!

Whoo!

Whoo!

Wrinkled, wrinkled little star, hope they never see the scars.

Your guests are here, Miss Ashton.

A Miss Helen Sharp with a gentleman.

Ahh. How's she look? Who?

Helen, you idiot.

I don't know. Smart, I guess, sort of classy.

Classy? Really? Compared to whom?

Oh, shit.

Mad!

Hel!

I don't believe it. How are you?

It's been so long. I know.

Don't you dare say how long.

Mad, I'd like you to meet...

Dr. Ernest Menville, my fiance.

You were just wonderful.

Ernest Menville? Dr. Ernest Menville, the plastic surgeon?

Yes. You were so terrific! Ernest is quite a fan.

I've read all about you. That dance number. Boy, oh, boy.

I can't believe I'm meeting you. He never mentioned a Madeline thing.

We're both huge fans. I'm sure he doesn't have a... thing.

Do you?

Well, I'm so happy for you... both.

What ever happened to that, um, writing thing?

Oh, well, um, I'm still trying. Helen, don't be modest.

She's a brilliant writer, Mrs. Ashton. Miss.

Tell me, Doctor, do you think that I'm starting to need you?

Ahem.

So... have you two set a date?

Yes... we have. No, actually--

We see the upper eyelid skin incision... from the medial canthus to the lateral orbital margin.

There are two fat compartments in the upper eyelid, three in the lower.

Oops. Look at all this bleeding.

Needle-tip cautery. Quickly, please.

For heaven's sake, Helen, it was a dinner.

The woman wanted my professional opinion.

Ernest, you don't know Madeline the way I do.

She wants you. She wants you because you're mine.

I've lost men to her before.

She just turns on that flash and that glitter and they're gone.

That's why I wanted you to meet her before we got married.

I just had to see if you could pass the Madeline Ashton test.

Please... Please, don't fail.

I couldn't take it again.

I don't know what I'd do.

Do you know how silly you're sounding?

Oh, darling, I have absolutely no interest in Madeline Ashton.


Mrs. Helen Sharp? It's your landlord. Open the door, please.

I know you're in there!

I have your final eviction notice.

If you don't come out, I'm going to break the door. What are you doing here?

I have the police. If you don't open, we're going to break the door.

Well, speak! I'm going to charge you for it too.

Lady, let's go. You heard what he said.

You're in trouble.

Come on. Open it!

Lady, listen. You have the right to remain silent.

If you give up the right to remain silent--

Are you nuts?

Come on. Get her outta here!

So...

What about you, Helen?

We haven't heard from you in a while.

Is there anything... you'd like to... talk about... with the group?

Yes.

I would like to talk about...

Madeline...

Ashton.

Stop! Stop it! Stop!

No! No!

Is this where we are, Helen?

Six months of therapy. You're not one pound lighter.

And we are still talking about Madeline Ashton!

You think I enjoy talking about her? Do you think I enjoy it?

Is that what you think? You better think again!

Oh, Helen, for you to have a life, for any of us to have a life, you have got to forget about her.

You have to erase her from your mind.

You have to completely eliminate any-- What?

You have to completely eliminate--

You're right.

What?

You're absolutely right.

Yes?

I have a delivery for Madeline Ashton and Dr. Ernest Menville.


Good morning, madam.

You look absolutely marvelous.

Hey, wait a minute.

Aren't you forgetting something?

It's only Thursday. I'm supposed to-- Never mind.

I think I need you to say it every morning.

Very well.

Oh, madam, you look younger every day.

Thank you, Rose. Thank you very much.

It's so sweet-- What is this?

Your tickets for Helen Sharp's book party.

They just came.

Helen Sharp's book party!

"Forever Young"? I like that title.

Oh, forever young! Right.

And eternally fat!

Oh, clever little witch. She sent seating assignments.

I find it very hard to believe... that he got up early and made his side of the bed.

No, madam. So where did he sleep?

Again?

The beaver has always been of interest to man.

It is the second largest rodent in the world.

Dr. Menville?

Dr. Menville?

Is this an angel I see before me?

Dr. Menville, you're so cute. Thank you, Rose.

Oh!

More vodka.

An outstanding characteristic of a beaver... is the large, flat tail.

Is it up yet? Yes, sir.

It's in the bath.

Your beeper was beeping. It's Mr. Franklin again.

Rose! Oh, it's you.

Fine, dear, thank you. Like a rock.

You're dressed. Special occasion?

Work. Ghoul!

Dr. Menville, thank God.

I'm sorry to call at the last minute. Yes.

He's completely prepped. Our top staff have been summoned and are waiting.

Good, I'm sure he'll be fine. Just calm down.

Calm? I am calm. Everyone is calm here.

Who is it? Fernando Rivas, the actor.

He drowned in his hot tub. Very bloated, very swollen.

He was making love to his new fiancee.

Eighteen years old, from Cuba.

He's got this expression of happiness that is completely inappropriate.

Thank you, Mr. Franklin, we'll see if we can't give him a little character, a little depth. Depth?

Oh, no, Dr. Menville, you can't give him any character or depth.

People have to recognize him.

Good afternoon, Miss Ashton. 3:00 with Anna.

Yes, I know. You may go down.

Miss Ashton, how are you? So good to see you!

Listen, I've got a really important party tonight.

Really important. You understand?

You will be the best one!

I have to be better than that.

I am sorry, but the plasma separation... is a very traumatic process to the body!

Our policy clearly prohibits... more than one in a six-month period.

So? It's been nearly that long already.

Miss Ashton, you had one three weeks ago.

How about a nice collagen buff? "A collagen buff"?

You might as well ask me to wash with soap and water!

Tonight is very important to me.

I could do your makeup myself. Makeup is pointless!

It does nothing anymore.

Are you listening to me? Do you even care?

You stand there with your 22-year-old skin and your tits like rocks... and laugh at me.

Mmm.

I could pay you extra.

Something... on a personal basis.

You know what I mean? How about that?

Money is no object. It means nothing to me.

Ahem.

I'm sorry, Mr. Chagall. I'm really, really sorry.

Anna, don't talk, just go away.

Leave us alone, mmm?

I don't want to look at you anymore. Oh, okay.

Thank you so much.

Please.

I suppose I should apologize. Oh, no, no.

I am very sensitive to your torment.

Excuse me? But unfortunately we are mere mortals.

We are restricted by the... laws of nature.

Well, what more could one expect?

Mmm, mmm, that depends.

I could not help but overhear your little joke about money being no object.

That was no joke! I see.

I wonder, Miss Ashton, if perhaps you have ever heard of...

Lisle Von Rhuman?

Ah... no.

No, of course you haven't. Very few have.

Only a select group.

She may be able to help you.

Here is her address.

She accepts callers day... and night.

Eh...

It is a very, very select group, you understand?

Sure.

I'm glad this happened, Miss Ashton.

We shall be seeing more of you, I think.

Yes, I think so.

Weirdo.

Could you just not breathe?

Jesus, what'd she do? Hire extras?

Good evening.

Evian, please. No ice.

Dr. Menville? Yes.

Ernest Menville? Yes.

Hi, I'm Vivian Adams. Hi, h-h-have we met?

Long ago. I never had a chance to thank you... for the spectacular job you did with my Aunt Esther.

Oh, well, thank you very much.

Her color, her tone.

You even brought out her cheekbones. Well, that's my job.

It was almost a shame to bury her.

It's so sweet of you to say that.

Can I ask you what your secret is?

Spray paint.

You see, you can't just use regular makeup on dead skin.

The pores are too dry.

You've gotta use a palette and grind the stuff in.

One day I'm in the hardware store and I think, "What about mannequin paint?"

It's got its own chemical adhesive, comes in a variety of flesh--

Excuse me!

Have you seen her yet?

What a joke. She's not even here.

Oh, look over there. Wh--

Oh, looks as though she's lost a few pounds!

We're leaving. Nonsense. Let's go talk to her.

No. I'll talk to her.

I just want you to know that I am at your disposal.

You can call me day or night.

I did give you all my numbers?

Mad?

Hel!

I don't believe it!

Helen, darling, 12 years! 12 long years!

And look at you, you have a... waist.

Oh, you haven't changed.

Gosh, I'm glad you came. I didn't know if you would.

I spoke to my P.R. woman and she said, "Madeline Ashton goes to the opening of an envelope."

Those people can be so cruel.

I fired her. Well, I almost fired her.

Well, that was sweet of you, dear.

Would you mind? Not at all.

So, how's it been? Heaven, it's absolute heaven.

Ernest is a dream. I'm so happy for you both.

I often thought to myself "I don't deserve this"... because it came at your expense.

And that thought made me feel... terrible.

Listen, that was a long time ago.

You didn't steal him. He went to you.

It wasn't you. It was him.

I want you to know something.

I have never ever blamed you. Never!

Do you believe how she looks? How old is she?

Fifty. Fifty?

You've gotta be kidding.

I wonder what her secret is.


Life has turned out as quite a party. You used to hate parties.

That was when I was old. You should see me now.

I didn't know you were so unhappy.

Never could lie to you.

I know about the kind of... work you're doing now.

It's not work.

I would sell my soul to be able to operate again.

Oh, Helen, I've wasted my life. No, Ernest.

She's wasted you.

She married a brilliant surgeon... and turned him into an undertaker.

I want you to know something.

I have never blamed you for leaving me.

I always knew it was her.

She's a woman.

A woman, Ernest.

From Newark, for God's sakes.

I will never forgive her for what she's done to you.

Never.


Dakota!

Oh!

Oh!

What's wrong? Nothing.

I didn't know you were coming over.

Oh, my God, you're not alone. Of course I am.

I'm completely alone. Dakota?

Actually, completely isn't quite what I meant.

How dare you make me feel cheap! Madeline, I forgot.

She's here to-- She's here to fix-- Who is she?

I'm trying to tell you-- Who is the little piece of meat?

She's a friend of, of, the guy who was here to--

Jesus, at least lie quickly! I am trying to.

Look, you gotta believe me. This is perfectly innocent.

Hey, hey, hey.

I'm sick of this shit, you know that?

I am doing you a favor here. Doing me a favor?

I gave you-- Yeah, you gave, I gave. Big deal!

Somebody told me we look ridiculous together.

How do you think that makes me feel?

You never think about my feelings.

Go find someone your own age, Madeline!


Madeline! I need to speak to Madeline at once!

No.

Madeline. I need to speak to Madeline at once!

Yeah.


Geez.

Good evening. I hope it's not too-- Not at all, Miss Ashton.

Miss Von Rhuman's expecting you.

She is?

Wait here, please.


Follow me, please.


Excuse me.

I hoped you'd come.

Make some room for my friend, for Christ's sake!

But... keep your ass handy.

May I say that I've always thought yours... to be one of the most beautiful faces... ever to grace the silver screen.

Oh.

And that husband of yours, I can only say that his reputation is unsurpassed.

Oh.

I just arrived in town. I follow the spring.

I haven't seen an autumn or winter in years.

We are creatures of the spring, you and I.

Uh-huh. I'm not really quite sure why I came.

You're scared as hell... of yourself, of the body you thought you once knew.

I beg your pardon?

I am the one who understands.

I am the one who knows your secret.

Who is it?

Madeline. I need to speak to Madeline.

She's not here.

Ah, thank God!

How did you get in? I didn't hear the gate.

I didn't want you to hear.

Ernest, ask me to go.

Ask me to leave this house immediately!

You just got here. I know, I know.

But it just took me a glimpse and I was back where I started.

Where's that?

Don't pretend you're not aware of it. Of what?

You're a powerful sexual being, Ernest.

I am?

Yes, you are.

If I never told you before, it's because...

I wasn't the sort of girl that could say the word...

"sexual" without blushing.

Well, I can now.

Sexual.

Sensual.

Sexy.

Sex.

Sex.

Sex!

So warm, so full of life.

And already it ebbs away from you.

This is life's ultimate cruelty.

It offers us the taste of youth and vitality... and then makes us witness our own decay.

Well, it is the natural law.

Screw the natural law!


What is that?

What you came for.

A touch of magic... in this world obsessed with science.

A tonic.

A potion.

What does it do?

How old would you guess I am?

I wouldn't--

Come on. Don't try to flatter me.

Thirty eight.

Oh, twenty eight. Twenty... three?

I am seventy-one years old.

That's what it does.

It stops the aging process dead in its tracks... and forces it into retreat.

Drink that potion and you'll never grow even one day older.

Don't drink it... and continue to watch yourself rot.

How much is it?

The sordid topic of coin...

I'm afraid is not so simple.

The cost, you see, it's different for everyone.

Well, for me, how much?

Well, thank you very much. I think I should be going.

Sit!

Hold out your hand.

What are you, nuts?

Watch.


Check okay?

Fine.

But you must make me a promise.

The secret that we share must never become public.

You may continue your career for ten years, ten years of perfect, unchanged beauty.

But at the end of that time, before people become suspicious, you have to disappear from public view forever.

You can retire.

You can stage your own phony death... or... as one of my clients simply said, "I vant to be alone, yah."

No! She's not!

Wow!


Bottoms up.

Now, a warning. Now, a warning?

Take care of yourself.

You and your body are going to be together a long time.

Be good to it.

Siempre viva. Live forever.


I can't believe-- Did you--

Oh... I'm a girl!

Shh.

Ernest, oh, we gotta stop.

I know we-- I know we--

Really, Ernest. Oh.

Ernest, don't be angry with me.

I'm fighting this as hard as I can, but just--

Look at you!

She's already destroyed your career.

Now she's breaking your heart, stealing your pride, flaunting her lovers... all over town. You know about that?

Everyone does.

At the party, people spoke of nothing else.

How can you love me, Helen?

I've been so weak for so long.

I should've divorced Madeline a long time ago.

By God, that is exactly what I am going to do!

The first thing tomorrow morning, I am gonna go downtown and obtain a divorce from Madeline Ashton.

Ernest? Monday. At the very least Tuesday.

Divorce? In California?

That's exactly what she wants you to do.

You have no talent for poverty.

You can't let her get away with that.

Then there's nothing I can do.

Oh, yes, there is.

Listen to me, Ernest.

I've thought this through carefully, and it's the only way.

Tonight, while she's asleep, you'll sneak downstairs quietly, and take one of each kind of wine glass from the shelf.

Then you'll take this Narconal... and lightly coat each glass.

As you know, Narconal is a very powerful alcohol-base tranquilizer, so you won't need much.

Tomorrow, I'll call Madeline to say good-bye.

I'll get her to invite me to dinner. Why don't you come to dinner?

Then, at dinner, we propose a toast.

No matter which glass she drinks from, Narconal will be on the glass.

You and I work together. First, we finish dinner.

Then we load her in the car, take her to the top of Mulholland Drive, call the police and report we've seen a drunk woman swerving close to the edge.

Some drunk woman up here on Mulholland's swerving dangerously close to the edge.

We'll sit her up in the driver's seat... and make it look like she's had... just a little bit too much to drink.

We drop the car into gear, wedge her foot down on the accelerator, clamp her hands on the steering wheel... and send her on her way.

By the time they perform the autopsy, the Narconal will be completely dissolved, leaving only traces of alcohol.

She'll be classified as just another drunk driver.

They'll check her blood alcohol... Point four-0. She had it coming.

And think nothing more of it.

The case is closed. Madeline is dead.

And we're free!

What are we saying?

We can't go through with this, Helen. It's the only way.

After she's gone, you can start your life all over again.

I can start my life all over again.

Oh, we'll be so happy!

She's killing you.

So... it would be self-defense.

Self-defense.


My God, it's back!

We have to talk.

Have another drink and go to bed. You'd like that.

You'd like to see me drink myself into an early grave.

That is not going to happen, by God!

You are not going to take my money! What are you talking about?

When was the last time you worked, Madeline? A real job?

Anything you had left, you owed me a long time ago. Your face owed me.

You've changed your hair?

What an eye.

Don't wait up.

Cheap.

What did you say?

I called you cheap. That's what I think of you.

Who do you think you're talking to?

You're a cheap, tacky little tramp.

Who do you think you are?

Nothing like the woman I married. You're nothing!

You're a broad! You're a tragic, boozy, flaccid clown.

Watch it, Madeline. That's it. Flaccid.

Watch what you say. Flaccid.

I don't have to take this any longer!

You'll take everything I have to give! You always have.

You're not even a man anymore. And I need a man!

A real man, not some drunken, broken-down flaccid undertaker... who is just as dead below the waist as his clients are.

Hey, I might have more fun with one of your clients!

At least I'd know I'd be getting something stiff--

Did you think that I was just going to take it forever, Madeline?

Did you?

You cruel, vicious, loathsome bitch!

Please? Please?

Oh, God! Oh!

Madeline, I'm so sorry. Oh, help me! Help me!

Hurry!

Help me! Hurry up, you wimp!


Oh, boy.

Oh, oh.

Oh.

Oh, boy!


Oh, boy!

Suite 1110, please.

Helen, it's me, Ernest Menville! I did it!

I didn't think I'd be able to, but I did it!

I pushed her down the stairs. She is absolutely stone cold.

She was saying the most monstrous things and she's dead.

I just had this feeling inside of me that I couldn't contain.

We're free, Helen. But I'm afraid I'm gonna burn in hell.

Her neck is broken and there's no pulse and she's dead.

Exactly which part of the plan were you unclear on?

We went over it three times, Ernest. You don't understand.

Ernest, we went over it three times. You don't understand.

It just happened. It was an accident.

It's better than an accident. At least it's gonna look like an accident.

Have you called the police? No, I called you first.

Ernest, you... poor, sweet thing.

If the police check the phone records, don't you think it'll look unusual... that you called me before them? Oh, my God.

You're right. Of course I'm right!

Should I call them right now? No.

We have to decide what you're going to say first.

Well? I'm thinking.

Okay, I've got it. Where's the body?

At the foot of the stairs. Good. Don't move her.

Soon as we hang up, call the police. Okay.

Tell them you were on the phone with me when you heard a terrible scream.

You turned around and saw Madeline fall down the stairs.

Right. Perfect. Stick to that story.

If they check the phone records, it'll confirm what you told them.

Got it. What about the time of death?

Could they prove the call came after? No, no.

It's very difficult to determine time of death within a few hours.

It's not an exact science. Ernest? Ernest!

Ernest, you pushed me down the stairs!

Stay away from me!

You bet I will! Animal! Psycho!

Don't come near me. Wife pusher!

Don't come near me, follow me or talk to me.

I don't intend to.

I just have to make a telephone call.

I just have to make a telephone call.

9-1-1, right?

You're in the shit house now, pal!

Madeline, look at yourself!

Huh? Look at yourself!

Ernest!

My ass!

I can see... my ass!

Something's wrong with your neck too. I would say so.

I would friggin' well say so!

Oh! Are you okay, honey?

Yeah. Oh.

Ernest... what's wrong with me?

It's a dislocated neck. That's what it is.

It could happen. I've never seen it happen, but it could happen.

Yeah, so? Fix it.

How? I don't know. Just do it!

I wouldn't know where to begin, Madeline.

For God's sake!

Ah!

Oh!

Honey, I think I need a doctor.

What's the matter with this guy? She's at death's door!

Doctor, she's at death's door.

Why don't you let me be the judge of that?

What seems to be the problem?

I fell down the stairs.

Whoopsie. Anything broken?

I don't think so. I mean, it would hurt, wouldn't it?

I should think so, yeah.

Maybe my wrist, but my neck feels sort of sore.

Let's have a little look at you. Which wrist is it?

Right.

Does it hurt when I do this? No.

How about this? Nope.

Ah, okay, this? Hmm, no, uh-uh.

This doesn't hurt? Uh-uh. No.

Are you telling me it doesn't hurt when I do this?

It doesn't hurt. I told you that.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Okay, what's this you're talking about with your neck?

It hurts when I kinda turn it, you know?

Maybe you just--

Okay, right. I see. Gotcha.

What about shock? Should we check? It could be shock.

It could be shock.

What is--

What? What is it? What's the matter?

It's, uh, it's interesting.

It's okeydokey.

I think that just about covers it.

Might I have a little sip of that? Of course.

Well, I'll tell you what. We, this, uh, odd thing.

Your wrist, as far as I can tell, it's fractured in three places.

And you've shattered, uh, two, uh, vertebrae.

I can't really be certain without an X ray.

But the bone protrusion through the skin, that's not a good sign.

And, uh... your body temperature is below 80... and, your, your, your... your heart's stopped beating.

What the hell does that mean?

Exactly! Exactly what--

I think... I'm gonna get a second opinion.

Doctor?

Well, could be worse.

I'm gonna examine you myself. No.

Sit still. Don't touch me.

My God, he's right. He is not right. Don't be ridiculous.

This is incredible. What would it mean if he were right?

You're in violation of every natural law that I know.

I, I, I, I violated what law?

In violation of every natural law that I know!

You're sitting there, you're talking to me, but you're dead!

I'm gonna get help!

I need a doctor! Room 147!

Hey! Hey!

Respiratory therapist to E.R. Therapist to the E.R.

Where are all the doctors?

No, no, no! Not that lab!

Everyone clear.

What do we have now? No pulse!

Where is she?

I'm terribly sorry, sir. I know how difficult this must be.

You don't understand. She didn't--

This is very hard to explain.

I know it is. How can anyone explain it?

Where did you put my wife? Don't worry about that now.

Just give yourself some time to grieve.

Where did you put my wife? She's dead. She's in the morgue.

The morgue! She'll be furious.


Help! Yes, it's me, darling.

Oh, Ernest!

I fainted and I woke up and it was all dark.

I kept yelling and yelling and yelling.

Nobody heard me. Nobody did anything.

Then I didn't know where I was and I got scared.

It's okay. It's all right.

Ernest, I'm in the morgue.

Why am I in the morgue? Shh! It's okay. It's okay!

Listen! I understand now. It's incredible!

It's physically impossible, but now I understand it.

They think I'm dead, Ernest. Yes! But you're not!

In the whole of recorded medical history, this has never happened to another single human.

Yeah, so, why did it have to happen to me?

Do you know what you are, darling? Uh-uh.

You're a sign. You're an omen, a burning bush!

I am? Of course you are.

We're being told that we belong together.

And I'm being called. I'm being challenged.

Don't you see, Madeline? It's a miracle!


Oh, my God!


Shit!

Oh!


Formaldehyde.

What in God's name?


Darn it.

It's just not the right balance.

How's it goin', Ern? I don't wanna rush things, Madeline.

Who keeps calling?

Huh? Who is that?

I can't have these interruptions!

I'm gonna need you to hold very still.

Oh!

What? Madeline!

I asked you to sit still. Mmm, what's the matter?

I need more turpentine now. Are we almost done?

The highlights of your eyes are unbalanced. Want people to stare?

I can't use kerosene because it'll affect the skin.

Where is she?

Oh, my gosh, Helen! What are you doin' here?

What's that on your hands? Blood?

Paint! Paint?

What would you be doing that you have paint on your hands?

Painting. Ernest.

Are you doing something funny with Madeline?

Define funny. Oh, come on, Ernest. Cough her up!

Shh, shh, shh, listen, Helen.

We should go outside and talk. Why are you whispering?

She's resting and in a foul mood. Are you nuts?

She's resting! She's not resting.

She's dead, Ernest, just like we wanted, just like we plotted together.

Remember? You may have done it alone, but I can't walk away now.

Not after you put us both in jeopardy! Shh!

We have to bury her in Death Valley and be done with her once and for all.

You have to listen to me. Stop waffling. She deserved it.

She was a home wrecker. She was a man-eater.

And she was a bad... actress.

Would you please listen to me! Oh, stop it!

Madeline is not ready to be buried yet.

She's upstairs resting peacefully. Oh, fine!

If she's not dead, you tell her to come here.

Tell her to come here, walk right up to me... and kiss me on the-- Kiss you on the what?

Mad? Hel.

Darling. What have you two... been plotting down here or should I say, what else?

Are you angry, dear? Are you very angry?

It's alive. Madeline?

Oh, boy! Helen, I think you should leave right away.

I see a very bad situation developing here.

Dear? Madeline?

I just want you to know one thing, Hel.

You brought this on yourself.

Madeline!

Oh, my God!

What have you done? What have I done? Defended myself.

You plotter, coconspirator!

She's dead! She is?

These are the moments that make life worth living.

My God, Madeline, that was horrible. It was brutal.

It was stupid! The police, Madeline! The police!

What are they gonna do? Put me in the gas chamber? Big deal.

Life in prison? Know what that means to a person in your condition?

So negative. Let me enjoy the moment. What about the neighbors?

Neighbors? In 12 years in Los Angeles, have you ever seen a neighbor?

Oh! I gotta think! I gotta think!

One of us has to stay rational.

I am completely rational. We're going to bury her.

In Death Valley. You and I.

I most certainly will not!

Oh, no? Pretty strong words for a murderer on the run, which is exactly what you are, Ernest.

What if the police should receive an anonymous phone call about you... and find me on the floor not breathing, no pulse?

Ain't nobody can play dead like me, Ernest.

What will you tell them? You're going to be very popular in prison.

Prison? Prison.

Do you know what they do to soft, bald, overweight Republicans... in prison, Ernest?

I'll get the shovels, dear.

And she even paid for the hardware.

Don't you just love it?

Oh!

Are you just gonna sit there? What?

I won't be your accomplice by myself. I'll help.

I'm happy to help. Help me stretch this out. Get the end.

I'm very happy to help. Put the body right here.

Today really shaped up in a hurry, didn't it?

Did you ever notice how some days can start out so shitty--

and then suddenly something wonderful happens and your whole outlook... just suddenly... changes.

That... was totally uncalled-for.

Look at me, Ernest, just look at me. I'm soaking wet.

And there seems to be something wrong with your, uh, blouse.

I have a hole in my stomach!

Oh!

I have a hole in my stomach!

Yeah, and you're still alive.

It's another miracle! No, it isn't.

Ha! Ah-ha! You took the potion!

How do you know about that? Oh!

You took the potion too. Well, I hardly needed it.

So that's why you look the way you do and you are dead.

When did you take it? October 26, 1985. Way before you!

What are you talking about? The potion!

How much did you pay? Everything I had.

And that was cheap! You took a potion?

Beauty book, my butt! Wait a second.

I don't think this is a miracle at all!

You're a fraud, a walking lie and I can see right through you!

Speaking of which, as a friend, some advice.

I would stay out of a bathing suit for a while.

At least, a two piece.

Or if I--

Damn. I just fixed this.

En garde.

Bitch. Girls, girls!

Let's just calm down. I'm sure we can settle this peacefully-- Whoa!

You should learn not to compete with me. I always win.

Yah! Yah!

You may have always won, but you never played fair.

Oh!

Who cares how I played? I won!

I'll just be upstairs.

That's 'cause you could raise your legs higher than anyone.

But look at you now! You couldn't raise an eyebrow without surgery!

I've raised a lot more than an eyebrow in my day.

You skinny, phony, hollow bitch!

You've lost your one and only talent.

Which was one more talent than you had, you former fatso!

Aaah! Yes! No! Oh, damn!

This is pointless! Wait a minute, this is ridiculous!

We can't even hurt each other! We can't even inflict pain!

Pain!

I'll tell ya about pain! Bobby O'Brien!

Scott Hunter! Ernest Menville! That's pain!

I loved every one of them and they loved me.

I will not speak to you till you put your head on straight.

They were all I had and you took them away from me.

Not because you loved them, not because you cared... but just to hurt me on purpose.

That is not true! Liar!

You attacked me first! Me?

Do you think I was blind, deaf?

I couldn't hear what you and your snotty friends were saying about me?

You thought I was cheap. Oh, please. You're insane.

Then how come you never invited me to one of those parties at your parents?

Because we didn't think you'd feel comfortable.

It wasn't usual for-- Stop that! I'm trying.

It wasn't usual for us to have-- Trash in the house!

You're avoiding the issue. You stole my boyfriends to hurt me on purpose!

I did not! Admit it!

No, you admit it. You look me in the eye... and you admit you thought I was cheap.

Okay, I thought you were cheap.

Well, I hurt you on purpose. and I'm... really sorry.

I'm sorry too.

Ern, darling.

Helen and I want to apologize for that little thing downstairs.

We've got it out of our systems now. Yeah, thank God.

It was so awful hating you and envying you at the same time.

You envied me? I envied you!

You did not! I did too.

Specifically, what part did you envy? Your grade point for one.

Excuse me. Excuse me!

I just wanted to tell you both that I've come to a decision that's... very important and long overdue.

I'm leaving. You're what? Leaving? No.

We need you. I promised Hel you would fix her.

And Maddie needs work too.

You can go first. Oh, that's so sweet of you!

Thank you. Ern?

Come on. What do you say? For old times sake.

Please!

On one condition. When I'm done, I go.

You don't look for me. You don't ask about me.

You don't even think about me ever again.

I have no problem with that. Do you?

Not anymore.

Oh! Oh! It's amazing!

Oh! Not a blemish! Not a pore!

Oh! Say what you will about Ernest, but the man is a genius.

He is. He's a genius.

Wait. You've got a little thing. Ooh!

Probably shouldn't have done that. Ha-ha!

I think it's still... wet. Can Ernest fix this?

Yeah, I'll get him before he leaves. But wait a minute.

What if this happens again?

What if it fades? Chips? What if it rains?

Will he come back for touch-ups? Even if he does, he's not gonna live forever.

That's not good. What are we gonna do?

He'll have to take the potion. Yeah!

We'll take him to Lisle's. She'll talk him into it.

He won't go to Lisle's. You heard him. He's made up his mind about leaving.

That's true. We have to respect that.

I know. We'll drug him.

Ern, darling.

My taxi here?

We thought you might like some breakfast.

You know, I was just thinking.

I was questioning myself. I was wondering why...

I didn't pack this thing five years ago, six years ago, ten years ago, instead of sticking around here... and suffering every indignity and humiliation.

I'll tell ya why. Because I made a promise... and that meant everything to me.

Yes, it's all very noble to keep your word.

Ernest? Your drink?

Do you know what they call someone who sticks by their word no matter what?

At the cost of all else? Do you know? No.

An idiot. From now on I'm gonna be the kind of idiot I wanna be.

An idiot with a modicum of pride, because you know what?

I finally realized something. I've lived up to my promise.

Till death do us part.

Well, you girls are dead.

And I'm parting.

Cheers.

You know something else?

I drink too much.

What?


I'm glad to see you're awake, Dr. Menville.

I hope you don't mind... that Harry and Dick had to dress you.

You were improperly attired for the occasion.

What occasion?

I'm throwing a party upstairs.

I throw one every spring for my clients.

All right.

Okay.

What do you want with me? To you...

I would like to give a present.

The gift of life... and youth forever.

I saw your wife and friend.

You did brilliant work.

Show me your hand.

Come on. I won't bite.

What are you doing?

I'm loving you.


My God!

Oh, thank you.

But don't be modest. That's what you do.

This is what you've always done.

Stopped time in people's faces and in their hands.

You are like Don Quixote, tilting at nature's windmill.

Drink it.

Go on.

It is the completion of your life's work.

You gave other people youth... and wasted your own.

Drink!

You'll be able to work again... forever.

Drink.

Drink! Dr. Menville!

You owe yourself another chance. Drink!

Make the right choice! The only choice!

Drink! Siempre viva!

Live forever!

Then what?

What?

Then what happens? What?

I don't wanna live forever.

It sounds good, but what am I gonna do? What if I get bored?

What? What if I get lonely?

Who am I gonna hang around with, Madeline and Helen?

What if something happens to me? What if I get maimed?

What if I get shot? What if somebody pushes me down--

What if I fall down a flight of stairs or something?

But you never grow old. But everybody else will.

I'll have to watch everyone around me die.

I don't think this is right.

This is not a dream. This is a nightmare.

You people all have to be stopped.

Dick, Tom, Harry.

Get the potion from him!

Get him! Get him! Relax. He won't go far.

Not at his age.


Welcome, everyone. Lisle will be down in a few minutes.

First, I must remind all of you who staged your own deaths... of our very strict policy against... popping up in public to grab a few headlines.

I won't name names. You know who you are.

I was just trying to have some fun. That's all.

Look! There's Ernest!

Oh, my God! He still looks like hell.

I don't think she gave him the good stuff.

Look!

He's still got it!

Let's go.

Oh, everybody gather round.

Lisle will be with us in a very few seconds.

Gentlemen, please, seal the room.


He's going up.

Idiot!

Aaah!


Oh, boy!


Ernest!

Ernest!

Helen! Grab it!

I-- Ernest!

Ernest! Grab it!

Grab it!

Grab it! Grab it!

Ernest! Do you still have the potion? Do you still have it?

Find it! Find it!

It's the only way you'll survive if you fall.

Drink it! Drink it or you'll die!

Oh! After you fall, you can put yourself back together again.

Drink it!

Drink it. Drink it! Drink it!

Drink it! Drink it!

You have to!

We need you!

I'm sorry, dears.

You're on your own.


So... are you gonna be done soon or what?

Oh, yes! I'm gonna be done very soon.

That was pretty neat.


It'd be better for both of you to get him back.

Yes? Nothing. It's too late. He got away.

Damn! I said we should go to the airport!

You said no such thing. I knew he wasn't coming back here.

You have all the answers, don't you? Ohh! Look!

I'm peeling already! Oh!

Me too! Who's gonna fix this?

We're in trouble. Ernest is gone. Uh-huh.

We can't go back to Lisle's. She told us to take care of our bodies.

And look at us! We're dead! Yeah!

This is so embarrassing.

You know what this is? This is simply a question of, uh, maintenance!

Yeah, this is upkeep. We just have to be very careful with ourselves.

We have to take care of each other.

I'll paint your ass; you paint mine.

Who could have imagined? Yeah.

You and me... together. Yeah, I know.

Depending on each other.

Painting each other's asses.

Day and night. Oh, yeah. Forever.

Forever.

We're gathered here today to honor the passing... of a man of courage and of vision.

Now, Dr. Ernest Menville always felt life begins at 50.

And since we know so little of Ernest before that age, perhaps in his case, it's really true.

Because it wasn't until 50 he met his lovely wife, Claire, that he had two sons and four daughters... and then like a biblical patriarch... began to spread his message of hope... to his adopted children all around the world.

A brilliant academic as well as a rugged outdoorsman, Dr. Menville pursued with vigor a variety of pursuits... not just to attain some personal ambition... but to enhance the world for us... and make it a better place than he found it.

Oh, and that he did.

The Menville Marriage Counseling Clinic, the Menville Center for the Study of Women, and of course, Ernest's AA chapter will carry on long after his death.

was for him a delightful adventure.

Who among us never knew Ernest the prankster? Hmm?

Ernest the storyteller?

We've all heard his tall tales about the living dead in Beverly Hills.

Ah, but you see-- Oh, what?

You're not crying, are you? I'm not crying.

I have... something in my eye.

Oh! Yech!

Oh! Do you have that number 9 acrylic?

Look. I put it in your bag.

Oh! I must have dropped it somewhere.

No. I put it in your bag! Well.

Who could drop a big can of spray paint for God's sake?

I had it when we left the car, okay?

Let's get the hell outta here.

I, for one, honestly believe this teacher, this benefactor, this man, had in his own way... learned the secret of eternal life.

And it's here, among us, in the hearts of his friends.

And the secret of eternal youth right here... in the lives of his children and his grandchildren.

It is my opinion that our beloved Ernest... is one man who will indeed... live forever.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

What'd you do with that spray paint can?

Come on. Get off that. Let me see what kind of a mess you've made of yourself.

Oh, yeah, you're all runny.

I must look ridiculous. No, I don't think anyone will notice.

But I think you're gonna need a little bondo on the chin, babe.

I gotta get to the hardware store. Oh, now, come on!

How could you have lost an entire can of spray paint?

Why do I have to carry everything? You get to carry a baby purse.

Where did you see it last? If I knew, I'd know where it was.

An entire can of spray paint. Get off it!

Has that ever worked? When you ask me where I last saw something?

Yes. When you lost your index finger.

I didn't lose it. It broke off. That's because you crack--

Help me! My legs aren't working! Help me!


Do you remember