Death to Smoochy (2002) Script

* WHERE CAN YOU GO WHEN SKIES TURN GRAY *

* WHERE THE SUN ALWAYS SHINES AND THE ANIMALS PLAY? *

* WHERE EVERY DAY IS A HAPPY DAY *

* WELL, SMOOCHY'S HERE TO SHOW THE WAY *

* LET'S GO TO SMOOCHY'S MAGIC JUNGLE *

Kids, joining in: * SMOOCHY'S MAGIC JUNGLE *

* IT'S A HAPPY, IT'S A HAPPY *

* HAPPY, HAPPY PLACE *

IT'S STARTING!

RAINBOW RANDOLPH! RAINBOW RANDOLPH!

Announcer: BOYS AND GIRLS, WELCOME TO THE RAINBOW RANDOLPH SHOW.

KIDNET TELEVISION PROUDLY PRESENTS AMERICA'S FAVORITE KID-SHOW HOST, THE FRIENDLIEST FRIEND ON EARTH, RAINBOW RANDOLPH!

FEATURING ANGELO PIKE AND THE KRINKLE KIDS.

* FRIENDS COME IN ALL SIZES *

THAT'S RIGHT, RAINBOW.

* AH-AH-AH-AH *

* FRIENDS COME IN ALL SIZES *

* THAT'S A FACT, IT'S TRUE *

* ALL THE COLORS OF THE RAINBOW *

* FROM MAUVE TO BLUE *

* THEIR NAMES ARE DIFFERENT, THE SHOES DON'T MATCH *

* SOME LIKE TO TOSS, WHILE OTHERS TO CATCH *

* ONE MIGHT SAY GRASP *

* WHILE THE OTHER SAYS SNATCH *

* BE-CAUSE *

* BE-CAUSE *

* BE-CAUSE *

* FRIENDS COME IN ALL SIZES *

* TAKE IT FROM ME *

* GOLLY GEE, SIZE NEVER MATTERS *

* WHEN YOU WANT SOME FRIENDLY PATTER *

* FROM A PAL WHO IS TRUE *

* AND CAN LIFT YOU UP WHEN YOU'RE BLUE *

* YOU CAN COUNT ON HIM *

* HE CAN COUNT ON YOU *

* IT'S TRUE, IT'S TRUE *

* IT'S TRUE, IT'S TRUE *

* IT'S TRUE *

* FRIENDS COME IN ALL SIZES *

* FRIENDS COME IN ALL SIZES *

* FRIENDS COME IN ALL SIZES *

* YES, THEY DO *

Randolph, voice over: AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE COMES IN ALL SIZES?

OUR RAINBOW RANDOLPH PRODUCTS.

THEY'RE THERE ONLINE FOR YOU AT...

LOG ON. IT'S NOT FREE.

Chorus: * FRIENDS COME IN ALL SIZES *

* YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT IT'S TRUE *

[KIDS CHEER]

SO, YOU'LL MAKE SURE MY BOY DANCES UP FRONT, RIGHT?

GETS TO SIT IN THE CHAIR?

YEAH.

YOU WANT YOUR LITTLE BOOGER-EATER ON MY SHOW?

OF COURSE.

YES, VERY MUCH.

THEN DON'T TELL ME HOW TO RUN MY FUCKIN' BUSINESS.

NO, WE WERE JUST--

I'LL CALL YOU IF A SPOT OPENS UP.

FREEZE, COCKSUCKER!

DROP THE BRIEFCASE.

I NEVER TOUCHED THE MONEY.

FBI. YOU'RE UNDER ARREST.

I'M RAINBOW FUCKIN' RANDOLPH.

KIDS LOVE ME.

FBI Agent: YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT.

IF YOU GIVE UP THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, ANYTHING YOU SAY...

News anchor: CORRUPTION IN KRINKLELAND?

RAINBOW RANDOLPH BUSTED BY FEDS IN MIDTOWN PATSY'S BAR.

WE'RE ON TV! YAY!

PATSY'S!

GENTLEMEN, MAY I EXPRESS THAT I AM AS SHOCKED AND OUTRAGED BY THIS AS YOU ALL MUST BE.

SAVE IT FOR THE PAPERS, STOKES!

WE GOT NERVOUS SPONSORS AND AN ANGRY PUBLIC.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT?

EXCELLENT QUESTION, SIR.

I'VE COMPILED A LIST OF POTENTIAL REPLACEMENTS.

CLEAN REPLACEMENTS? WITH BACKGROUND CHECKS?

GOOD CHRIST, MAN, WHERE DO YOU DIG UP THESE PEOPLE?

I CAN ASSURE YOU, MR. STOKES, THAT THIS NETWORK CANNOT SURVIVE ANOTHER RAINBOW RANDOLPH.

SIR, ABSOLUTELY.

AND IT IS MY PERSONAL MISSION TO FIND A SATISFACTORY REPLACEMENT.

A PERFORMER OF CHARACTER.

A PERFORMER OF HONOR.

MOST IMPORTANTLY--

SQUEAKY FUCKING CLEAN!

SQ-SQUEAKY CLEAN, SIR.

BUGGY DING DONG? HEROIN MULE.

OH. SQUARE DANCE DANNY?

HE'S A WIFE BEATER.

PRINCESS POPPY?

DON'T BUST MY BALLS. SORRY.

SKIPPY BLACK AND THE TIPPY TROLLS?

OH, YOU KNOW, BLACK WAS DEPORTED.

AND THE TROLLS, WELL, WHO GIVES A SHIT?

THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE.

I WOULD LIKE TO STRANGLE THAT RAINBOW RANDOLPH.

SQUEEZE HIS GREASY NECK UNTIL HIS EYES POP OUT OF HIS SKULL.

BEFORE INDULGING IN CHEERY FANTASIES, LET'S CONCENTRATE ON SAVING MY ASS.

SORRY, FRANK.

HEY, WHAT'S GOING' ON WITH SHELDON MOPES THESE DAYS?

OH, MY GOD, HAVE WE SUNK TO THAT LEVEL ALREADY?

SMOOCHY THE RHINO?

WHAT A SAP.

SAP'S JUST THE PILL WE NEED RIGHT NOW.

GET YOUR FEET OFF MY DESK.

FRANK, COME ON. HE'S A GUY IN A SUIT.

HE'S A PHONY. A FABRIC STUFFER.

TAKE AWAY THE NETWORK MONEY AND THE FOAM RUBBER AND THEY'RE ALL FABRIC STUFFERS.

MARGINAL TALENTS, OFF-BROADWAY RUNOFF.

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

OK, LAST I HEARD, HE'S PLAYING HOSPITALS AND NURSING HOMES.

HE'S BOTTOM RUNG.

THIS IS IT. THIS IS THE GUY!

WE CAN DO BETTER THAN SHELDON MOPES.

COME ON, HE BRINGS NOTHING TO THE TABLE.

EXCEPT ETHICS.

WITH MOPES, THERE'S NEVER BEEN A WHIFF OF CONTROVERSY.

THE GUY'S A HARMLESS, ETHICAL CORNBALL.

PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME DO IT.

HE'S A BOTTLE OF PANCAKE SYRUP WITH LEGS.

FRANK! GET ME SMOOCHY.

[LINE RINGING]

HELLO?

HI, MR. MOPES, THIS IS NORA WELLS--

I'M JUST KIDDING. IT'S AN ANSWERING MACHINE.

LEAVE ME A MESSAGE AFTER THE BEEP, OR CATCH ONE OF MY APPEARANCES.

I'LL BE OPENING THE NEW CHILDREN'S WING OF THE CANARSEY PUBLIC LIBRARY, OR YOU CAN CATCH MY REGULAR FRIDAY NIGHT GIG AT THE CONEY ISLAND METHADONE CLINIC.

HOPE TO SEE YOU THERE, AND REMEMBER, YOU CAN'T CHANGE THE WORLD, BUT YOU CAN MAKE A DENT.

[HANGS UP PHONE]

Nora: YOU BET.

[GUITAR STRUMMING]

Man: THANKS A LOT, FELLAS, LADIES, YEAH.

LOOKING AT THE FACES HERE, I THINK IT MIGHT BE GETTIN' TIME TO WRAP THINGS UP, SO I'M GONNA CLOSE IT OUT WITH A LITTLE DITTY.

YOU MAY RECOGNIZE THE TUNE, BUT I'VE TAKEN A FEW LIBERTIES WITH THE LYRICS.

IF YOU FIGURE OUT THE CHORUS, COME ON AND JOIN ON IN, OK?

[PLAYING TUNE TO SHE'LL BE COMIN' 'ROUND THE MOUNTAIN]

* OH, WE'LL GET YOU OFF THAT SMACK, OH, YES, WE WILL *

* OH, WE'LL GET YOU OFF THAT SMACK, OH, YES, WE WILL *

* OH, WE'RE GONNA GET YOU OFF THAT SMACK *

* WE'LL KICK THAT MONKEY RIGHT OFF YOUR BACK *

* AND GET YOUR LIFE ON TRACK, OH, YES, WE WILL *

IT'S IMPORTANT TO GET STARTED NOW, THOUGH.

YOU KNOW WHY?

* 'CAUSE THE SMACK CAN LEAD TO CRACK, OH, YES, IT CAN *

CARL? HMM?

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT, BROTHER.

SING IT WITH ME NOW.

* GIVIN' UP THAT SMACK, OH, YES, WE ARE *

TAKE IT EASY, MARCEAU.

MR. MOPES?

YEAH.

HI. I SAW YOUR PERFORMANCE TONIGHT.

IT'S VERY SPIRITED.

OH, THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES I DO A LONGER SET, BUT, UH, ONCE THE EVENING MEDS KICK IN AROUND HERE, IT'S PRETTY MUCH SLEEPY TIME IN OLD CONEY ISLAND, SO TOUGH TO GET A SING-ALONG GOING.

WELL, AT LEAST YOU KNOW IT'S THE SMACK THAT'S KNOCKIN' 'EM OUT, AND NOT YOUR SINGING, RIGHT?

YEAH. GOD, I HOPE SO.

LISTEN, CAN WE TALK FOR A MINUTE?

YOU KNOW, I'M HAPPY TO DO THIS, BUT WE DO HAVE TRAINED COUNSELORS INSIDE WHO--WHO CAN HELP YOU.

WELL, YOU CAME HERE ON THE "H" TRAIN, RIGHT?

RIDIN' THE HORSE, ON THE JUICE?

NO. NO, BUT, YOU KNOW, IT'S SWEET OF YOU TO ASSUME SO.

I'M NORA WELLS.

I'M VP OF DEVELOPMENT FOR KIDNET.

YOU WORK FOR KIDNET?!

YEAH. UH, YEAH.

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

YEAH, UM... AS A HEART ATTACK.

I'LL BE--I'M GLAD I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE HERE.

THAT MIGHT HAVE REALLY THROWN ME OFF MY ACT, YOU KNOW?

Sheldon: I WAS BORN ON NOVEMBER 11th, 1970.

YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE HAPPENED ON THAT DATE?

Nora: NO.

FIRST BROADCAST OF SESAME STREET.

YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE WHAT IT TOOK TO GET THESE GUYS TO THROW ON A COUPLE SOY DOGS.

HELLO, PEOPLE, WAKE UP AND SMELL THE FUTURE, OK?

I MEAN, ORGANIC, TWICE THE PROTEIN OF ANY OF THIS STUFF, AND NOBODY GETS KILLED.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT.

I'M GONNA GET YOU ON THESE GLUTEN-FREE BUNS BEFORE I'M FINISHED WITH YOU.

WE'RE GONNA CHANGE THE WORLD, BROTHER.

ALL RIGHT, SHELDON.

SO, ANYWAY, LIKE I WAS SAYING, MY FRIENDS ARE ALWAYS TELLING ME, "SHELDON, AS TALENTED AS YOU ARE, "IF YOU DON'T LEARN TO SELL YOURSELF A LITTLE, "YOU'RE ALWAYS GONNA BE PLAYING TO A VERY APPRECIATIVE, BUT LIMITED AUDIENCE."

SPIRULINA WITH A LITTLE ALMOND BUTTER.

YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANNA TRY ONE OF THESE?

BELIEVE IT OR NOT, NO.

THIS IS CHILDREN'S ENTERTAINMENT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT.

IT'S ABOUT--IT'S ABOUT DOING GOOD WORK AND HAVING INTEGRITY.

I MEAN, PUTTING ON A GOOD SHOW, BUT WITH THE FOUNDATION OF A POSITIVE MESSAGE.

YOU CAN'T BUILD A FOUNDATION WITH PLASTER OF PARIS, YOU BUILD IT WITH CONCRETE, YOU KNOW?

THAT IS CONCRETE, SISTER!

THAT IS INTEGRITY!

I CAN SEE THAT.

I'M SORRY.

LISTEN, MR. MOPES, THE REASON THAT I'M HERE TODAY...

KIDNET IS CURRENTLY LOOKING FOR A PERFORMER WITH CONVICTIONS AND INTEGRITY.

SOMEBODY LIKE YOURSELF.

HOLD THE PHONE.

YOU'RE TELLIN' ME THAT KIDNET IS FINALLY READY TO PURSUE A SHOW OF SMOOCHY CALIBER?

I MEAN, TO COMMIT TO SMOOCHY QUALITY?

YES, I BELIEVE WE'RE READY TO PUSH OURSELVES TO THAT LEVEL.

I KNEW IT! I KNEW--

I KNEW IT. I KNEW IT.

IF I WAITED LONG ENOUGH, I KNEW THAT SOMEBODY WAS GONNA COME ALONG ONE DAY, TOOK A LOOK AT ME, AND UNDERSTOOD WHAT I DO.

THAT'S YOU, ISN'T IT? YOU GET ME.

I'M AFRAID SO.

WELL, NORA WELLS, MISS VP OF DEVELOPMENT, LET'S YOU AND ME GO MAKE SOME HISTORY.

[YMA SUMAC'S MALAMBO #1 PLAYING]


* WOW-WOW-WOW-WOW *

* WHOA, WHOA, WHOA *

* WHOA-WHOA-WHOA-WHOA *

[SUSTAINED HIGH NOTE]

I LIKE IT.

* WOW-WOW-WOW-WOW *

* WHOA, WHOA, WHOA *

* WHOA-WHOA-WHOA-WHOA *

[SUSTAINED HIGH NOTE]

MAKE SURE YOU GET YOUR $50 BUMP FOR WORKIN' IN SMOKE THIS WEEK.

WHAT'S UP, DAWG?

HEY, ANGELO, YOU KNOW, I BEEN MEANING TO TELL YOU, I WAS A BIG FAN OF YOUR WORK WITH THE KRINKLE KIDS, AND I REALLY APPRECIATE YOU COMING OVER AND BEING A RHINETTE.

A JOB'S A JOB.

OK, SEE YOU OUT THERE.

[TAKING HEAVY BREATHS]

[KIDS CHEERING]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

* WHERE CAN YOU GO WHEN SKIES TURN GRAY *

* WHERE THE SUN ALWAYS SHINES AND THE ANIMALS PLAY? *

* WHERE EVERY DAY IS A HAPPY DAY *

* WELL, SMOOCHY'S HERE TO SHOW THE WAY *

Kids, joining in: * SMOOCHY'S MAGIC JUNGLE *

* IT'S A HAPPY, IT'S A HAPPY *

* HAPPY, HAPPY PLACE *

* HIP HIP HIP, HOORAY *

YEAH!

BEGINNIN' TO THINK YOU WEREN'T COMIN', FRANK.

YOU'D FORGOTTEN ABOUT ME.

I AGREED TO MEET YOU, DIDN'T I?

I HAD A DINNER ENGAGEMENT.

REALLY?

I USED TO HAVE DINNER ENGAGEMENTS.

4 OR 5 A NIGHT.

DON'T DO THIS, RANDY. COME ON.

I'D WALK INTO A RESTAURANT, FRANK, 10 GUYS WOULD REACH FOR MY HAT.

I'D STAND UP TO TAKE A PISS, THEY'D CLEAR THE REST ROOM.

YOU KNOW WHY, FRANK?

I'M RAINBOW FUCKIN' RANDOLPH, THAT'S WHY!

YOU THROUGH?

WHAT, YOU GOT THINGS TO DO?

YOU DON'T HAVE TIME FOR ME?

THE GUY WHO EARNED FOR YOU, PUT THE ARMANI SURPLUS SUITS ON YOUR BACK?

THE COQ AU VIN IN YOUR BROOKLYN MOUTH?

YEAH, I THINK IT'S FAIR TO SAY WE HELPED EACH OTHER, THOUGH SOMEONE MESSED UP THE ARRANGEMENT.

WHO COULD THAT HAVE BEEN?

OH, THAT'S RIGHT, IT WAS RAINBOW FUCKIN' RANDOLPH!

FOR WHAT, RANDY? ASS WIPE MONEY!

FRANK, YOU GOTTA FIX THIS.

I WANT MY OLD TIME SLOT BACK.

I CAN'T SIT BY AND WATCH WHILE THAT RHINOCEROS, THAT ONE-HORN CARPETBAGGER, GETS MY TIME SLOT.

HE GETS A FREE RIDE ON MY DIME.

COME ON, FRANK, WE GOT A HISTORY.

THERE'S NOTHIN' I CAN DO FOR YOU.

YOU'RE A PARIAH.

I CAN'T EVEN BE SEEN WITH YOU.

DON'T DO THIS TO ME, FRANK.

I'M DROWNING. I'M GOING DOWN FOR THE LAST TIME HERE.

THEY KICKED ME OUT OF THE CORPORATE PENTHOUSE.

I'M HOMELESS.

PUT YOURSELF IN MY CAPEZZIOS, BUDDY.

YOU KNOW, THE UGLY TRUTH IS, YOU'RE SHOES HAVE BECOME MY SHOES.

AS LONG AS THE RHINO'S ON THE AIR, EVERYTHING'S BY THE BOOK.

NO PERCENTAGE, NO SKIM, NOTHIN'.

THE NETWORK WANTED SQUEAKY CLEAN, AND THEY GOT IT, BOY.

MOPES IS SPARKLING.

[SOFTLY] PLEASE.

YOU'RE BROKE? YOU GOT NOTHIN' LEFT?

EXACTLY.

THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU, BUDDY.

WHAT'S THIS?

IT'S A RAINFOREST BENEFIT FREEBIE BAG.

IT'S A DISPOSABLE CAMERA, SOME KAHLUA-FLAVORED PEANUTS, HAND LOTIONS, NO ANIMAL-TESTED.

DON'T EVER CONTACT ME AGAIN, RANDY.

GET OUT OF THE CAR.

YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THE HAND LOTION, JERKOFF!

YOU'LL GET YOURS, FRANK!

THE RHINO, TOO!

WHEELS ARE TURNING!

EVEN A GUY WHO'S SQUEAKY CLEAN FALLS INTO THE MUD.

THE SMOOCHY DOLL AND THE RHINETTE DOLLS WOULD BE SOLD SEPARATELY, OF COURSE.

AGAIN, THESE ARE JUST PROTOTYPES, BUT I'VE BEEN ASSURED BY FUNTONE THAT ALL THE BUGS WOULD BE WORKED OUT BEFORE CHRISTMAS.

OK, LET'S RECAP BEFORE WE BREAK UP.

YES TO THE SMOOCHY ICE CREAM, YES TO THE SMOOCHY STRING CHEESE.

GREEN-LIT ON THE SMOOCHY COLA, AND WE'RE IN A DICK-MEASURING CONTEST WITH BROWN & BROWN OVER THE SHAMPOO SPLIT.

OK, TIME OUT, PEOPLE.

LOOK, LET'S JUST HOLD THE PHONE A SECOND.

HEY, IF I MIGHT INTERJECT SOMETHING, I THINK WE NEED TO REEXAMINE OUR BASIC PRINCIPLES HERE A LITTLE BIT.

NOW, WE ARE STILL TRYING--

SMOOCHY IS STILL TRYING TO EARN THE TRUST OF THESE KIDS.

I DON'T THINK WE'RE GONNA DO THAT BY SELLING 'EM STRING CHEESE AND SHAMPOO AND SMOOCHY COLA, WHICH CONTAINS NO LESS THAN 2 ADDICTIVE SUBSTANCES, I MIGHT ADD.

I JUST THINK THAT WE NEED TO FOCUS ON PUTTING TOGETHER THE BEST SHOW POSSIBLE RIGHT NOW, YOU KNOW?

DELIVER A POSITIVE MESSAGE, BUT WITHOUT ALL THE BELLS AND WHISTLES AND RICKETA-RACKETA.

SO, WHAT DO YOU SAY? CAN I GET AN "AMEN," SOMEBODY?

I MEAN, ARE YOU WITH ME ON THIS, TEAM?

OOH!

OH, DAMN.

WHOA! WHOA!

I GOT THAT. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

SHUT THE DOOR, PLEASE, JEN.

NOW LOCK IT.

THANKS. ALSO, WE'RE STILL DETERMINING WHETHER SMOOCH-Os SHOULD BE FROSTED OR FRUIT-FLAVORED.

IF ANYBODY HAS A STRONG FEELING ONE WAY OR ANOTHER--

INTERESTINGLY, OUR PREFERENCE SURVEY SHOWS A DEAD HEAT.

SO, FROSTED FOR THE OLD AND FRUITY FOR THE YOUNG.

HAVE 'EM BOTH. OH, GOOD.

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT? I LIKE FROSTED. I LIKE SWEETER.

YEAH, ME, TOO.

YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS A KID, I ALWAYS ATE FROSTED CEREALS.

LET'S GO THE OLD-FASHIONED WAY...

I WANT TO TELL YOU HONESTLY, THOUGH, THAT I FELT--

HEY, NORA. WAIT UP.

HEY, NORA, LISTEN.

I JUST WANTED TO SAY I THOUGHT THAT WAS A GOOD MEETING TODAY.

I MEAN, I THINK WE TACKLED SOME HOT ISSUES, BUT IT DID FEEL, IF I'M HONEST, THAT ONCE OR TWICE MY VOICE WASN'T REALLY BEING HEARD.

I THINK THAT'S A CONSERVATIVE ESTIMATE.

LOOK, I JUST WANT THE SHOW TO HAVE WEIGHT.

YOU KNOW, SUBSTANCE, LIKE WE TALKED ABOUT.

I MEAN, SILLY SONGS, ABSOLUTELY, BUT, YOU KNOW, WITH A MESSAGE.

CAN YOU GUESS HOW MANY ORIGINAL COMPOSITIONS I HAVE IN THE SMOOCHY SONGBOOK?

DO YOU SENSE MY COMPLETE LACK OF INTEREST?

OVER 300, ON SUBJECTS FROM THE DELICIOUSNESS OF VEGETABLES TO THE IMPORTANCE OF DONATING PLASMA.

I'M JUST SAYING I'M A VALUABLE RESOURCE, NORA, AND I WANT YOU TO USE ME.

OK, STOP TALKING.

I'M GONNA MAKE THIS REAL EASY FOR YOU.

THE ONLY REASON YOU'RE ON TV RIGHT NOW IS BECAUSE RAINBOW RANDOLPH IS A DEGENERATE SCUMBAG.

I DIDN'T DISCOVER YOU, I DELIVERED YOU, LIKE A SACK OF GROCERIES.

I'VE GOT A BIGGER EMOTIONAL INVESTMENT IN MY NAIL POLISH.

SO DON'T PEDDLE YOUR SAP TO ME, RHINO.

YOUR JOB IS JUST TO SMILE AND NOD YOUR HEAD.

* YOU'RE NOBODY *

* TILL SOMEBODY LOVES YOU *

* YOU'RE NOBODY... *

LOOK, DON'T GET ME WRONG, OK?

I MEAN, I'M NOT LITERALLY COMPARING CAPTAIN KANGAROO TO JESUS CHRIST.

I'M JUST SAYING THAT THE CAPTAIN, LIKE CHRIST, WAS SOMEONE THAT, YOU KNOW, YOU COULD REALLY, REALLY BELIEVE IN.

I MEAN, WITH THOSE GUYS, IT JUST--

IT WASN'T ABOUT ALL THE BELLS AND WHISTLES AND THE RICKETA-RACKETA.

IT WAS ALL ABOUT THE WORK.

ESPECIALLY JESUS. I MEAN, FORGET ABOUT IT.

I NEVER SAW ANYBODY GET BUZZED ON ORANGE JUICE BEFORE.

I'LL TELL YOU A LITTLE SECRET.

YOU POP A LITTLE OF THIS LIQUID ALFALFA IN IT...

[WHISPERING] IT'S BLAST OFF TIME.

LET ME HAVE A FIVE CROWN.

HEY.

SMOOCHY THE RHINO.

YEAH, THAT'S ME.

HEY, I'M A BIG FAN.

WOW! HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?

THAT'S THE FIRST TIME ANYBODY'S EVER RECOGNIZED ME OUT OF THE SUIT.

BURKE BENNETT.

I REPRESENT KID SHOW TALENT.

SHELDON MOPES. NICE TO MEET YOU.

NICE TO MEET YOU.

THAT'S THE WAY THESE NETWORK GOONS OPERATE.

I REMEMBER STOKES WAS TRYING TO SCREW HIM OUT OF SOME MERCHANDISING POINTS.

CLAIMED HE HAD A WHOLE WAREHOUSE FULL OF DICKY DOLLS UP IN THE BRONX THAT WEREN'T MOVIN'.

FRANK AND I ARE FRIENDS FOR YEARS, SO I SAY TO HIM, "OK, COCK, SHOW ME THE WAREHOUSE."

MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT, I WALK OUTTA THERE WITH A CHECK FOR 100 GRAND, STOKES IS SITTIN' THERE WITH HIS THUMB UP HIS ASS.

WOW. WELL, LOOK, I MEAN, THAT'S A-- THAT'S A GREAT STORY, BUT THE THING IS, WITH ME, I DON'T CARE ABOUT ANY OF THAT STUFF.

I DON'T CARE ABOUT SMOOCHY DOLLS.

I DON'T CARE ABOUT SMOOCHY CHOCOLATES, SMOOCHY FLOOR WAX.

ALL I CARE ABOUT IS GETTIN' CREATIVE INPUT ON MY OWN SHOW.

YOU KNOW, THIS RHINO CAME FROM MY WOMB, OK?

I BIRTHED HIM, I NURSED HIM, AND, DAMN IT, [QUIETLY] I OUGHT TO BE THE ONE WHO RAISES HIM.

IT'S ALL ABOUT THE DOUGH, SHEL.

ONCE YOU GET THE MONEY, YOU GET THE POWER.

ONCE YOU GET THE POWER, YOU CAN HAVE SMOOCHY WALK OUT THERE WITH A DILDO STRAPPED TO HIS HEAD, IF YOU WANT.

I DON'T THINK I'VE THOUGHT OF THAT IDEA SPECIFICALLY, BUT I DO SEE WHERE YOU'RE GOING WITH THIS.

HERE. WHEN YOU'RE READY TO TALK, I'LL CUT THE STRINGS.

I'LL OPEN THE MAGIC DOOR FOR YOU.

WELL, HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?

I LAID THE GROUNDWORK.

HE'S A PIGGY BANK WITH A HORN.

YOU'LL MAKE MORE MONEY WITH HIM THAN 20 RAINBOW RANDOLPHS.

VERY IMPORTANT TO THE PARADE OF HOPE.

IT'S IN THE BAG.

WE MIGHT HAVE TO MASSAGE HIM A LITTLE.

DON'T MAKE ME LOSE MY SMILE, BURKEY BOY.

A SPECIAL BATCH OF COOKIES FOR A VERY SPECIAL RHINO.

OH, HOW THOUGHTFUL OF ME.

THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL.

YOU'RE GOING TO LEARN ABOUT SHAME, MY DEAR SMOOCHY, AND I'M YOUR PROFESSOR.

EXCUSE ME, CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND?

WHY WAS THE PLEASE AND THANK YOU SONG CUT?

BECAUSE IT'S SAPPY AND IT TAKES AWAY FROM THE COOKIE SONG.

IT ENHANCES IT. THE COOKIE SONG IS A MEANINGLESS PIECE OF FLUFF WITHOUT THE PLEASE AND THANK YOU CODA.

THAT'S THE LESSON, NORA.

THAT'S THE WHOLE MORAL ANCHOR.

IT'S CUT. AND I WANT THE COOKIE SONG LYRICS CHANGED BACK TO THE WAY THEY WERE.

I WILL NOT ENCOURAGE CHILDREN TO CONSUME ENDLESS AMOUNTS OF REFINED SUGAR.

I'M SORRY. I HAVE TO WAKE UP IN THE MORNING AND LIKE MYSELF.

THIS IS NETWORK TELEVISION, BUDDY, NOT A SPROUT FARM.

YOU'RE HERE TO SELL SUGAR AND PLASTIC.

DO YOU HEAR WHAT YOU'RE SAYING?

YEAH. WELL, I WON'T DO IT.

YES, YOU WILL. I WILL NOT--

DOES THAT SAY NORA'S MAGIC JUNGLE?

I DON'T THINK SO.

SO DON'T TALK TO ME LIKE THAT BECAUSE I AM NOT YOUR PUPPET.

SINCE WHEN?

NOT GET YOUR SPONGY PINK ASS OUT THERE AND DANCE FOR THE CAMERAS.

* IT'S A HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY PLACE *

YOU KNOW, THIS IS A KIDS SHOW.

THOSE-- THOSE ARE CHILDREN I'M SINGING TO OUT THERE.

YOU DON'T EVEN SEE CHILDREN ANYMORE.

YOU JUST SEE WALLETS WITH PIGTAILS.


BON SOIR, LA SMOOCHY.

WELCOME TO FATTY ARBUCKLE LAND.

DON'T WORRY, LITTLE ONES, RAINBOW RANDOLPH WILL RETURN.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

ALL RIGHT.

YEAH, ALL RIGHT.

MAN, I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING, ALL THAT JIGGYIN' AND ZIGGYIN'

REALLY MAKES ME HUNGRY, AND WHEN I GET HUNGRY, YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS.

Kids: MAGIC COOKIE TIME!

WHAT?

MAGIC COOKIE TIME!

THAT'S RIGHT.

EVERYBODY IN THE MIDDLE.

GET IN THE MIDDLE.

ANGELO, HIT ME.

[THUS SPAKE ZARATHUSTRA PLAYING]


YEAH!

GIVE 'EM A COOKIE. GIVE 'EM A COOKIE.

All: * LOOKY, LOOKY, LOOKY *

* HERE COMES THE COOKIE *

* FRESH AND ORGANIC... *

HE DIDN'T CHANGE 'EM BACK.

* STRAIGHT FROM THE SOIL *

* NO TROPICAL OIL *

* SWEETENED WITH JUICE *

* FOR AN ENERGY BOOST *

YEAH!

WHATEVER THAT MEANS, YOU FUCKING PEASANT.

YEAH!

WHO WANTS THE FIRST COOKIE?

All kids: ME!

LET'S SEE WHAT WE GOT TODAY.

GIVE 'EM A COOKIE. GIVE 'EM A COOKIE!

[KIDS GO SILENT]

OH...

OH!

[SOME KIDS GIGGLING]

OH, MY...

IT'S A...A...

IT'S, UM--IT'S A--

IT'S A...

IT'S A ROCKET SHIP!

IT'S A ROCKET SHIP TO FLY US TO JUNGLE LAND! HERE WE GO!

FUCK!

FOLLOW ME.

WE'RE FLYIN' OVER THE TREES ON OUR MAGIC ROCKET.

OH, WHAT A SPECIAL DAY, WITH SUCH SPECIAL COOKIES.

WHAT ARE YOU, BLIND?!

IT'S A COCK!

IT'S NOT A ROCKET, YOU SICK FUCK, IT'S A COCK!

Nora: RANDOLPH!

LOOK, IT'S A COCK AND BALLS!

IT'S A DICK.

A CHORIZO AND THE HUEVOS.

IT'S A BIG STIFFY!

YEAH, IT'S A PENIS!

PENIS MAXIMUS. A WILLIE! A WEENIE!

MR. JIGGLE DADDY.

GET HIM OUT OF HERE!

THE ONE-EYED WONDER WEASEL.

DON'T YOU SEE THAT?

JIMMY AND THE TWINS. RUMPLEFORESKIN.

HE MADE IT. HE MADE THAT THING.

IT'S MADE FROM DIL-DOUGH.

WAVE BYE-BYE. WAIT!

THANKS FOR VISITING.

AAH! LET GO OF ME!

I'M RAINBOW FUCKING RANDOLPH.

I KNOW THE WAY OU--AAH!

OW--GOD--NO--OW!

[GROANING]

WELL, LET ME JUST START BY SAYING I REALLY WANT TO THANK YOU ALL FOR HAVING THIS LITTLE SIT-DOWN.

I DO THINK WE HAVE A FEW WRINKLES WE NEED TO IRON OUT IN THE COMMUNICATION AND COLLABORATION DEPARTMENTS.

NOW, MIND YOU, I'M NOT POINTING ANY FINGERS.

LORD KNOWS, YOU START POINTING FINGERS AND SOMEONE'S GONNA GET POKED.

AND I WANT YOU BOTH TO KNOW THAT IT'S NOT MY INTENTION TO TRY AND POKE EITHER OF YOU.

ANYHOO, UH, THIS IS MY NEW AGENT, BURKE BENNETT.

BURKE HAS A LOT OF EXPERIENCE FACILITATING IN EXACTLY THESE KINDS OF SITUATIONS, AND I THINK HE'S GONNA HELP US THROUGH THIS MOMENT TOGETHER.

HERE'S BURKE.

THANK YOU, SHELDON.

FRANK, YOU SEE THIS GUY?

TAKE A GOOD LOOK, BECAUSE THIS GUY SAVED YOUR ASS.

WITHOUT HIM, YOU'D BE SITTIN' IN KAPLAN'S RIGHT NOW SUCKIN' CLUB SODA THROUGH A PAPER STRAW, WHILE YOUR TABLE AT 21 WAS OCCUPIED BY THE NEW MARION FRANK STOKES AND HIS TWAT DU JOUR.

EXCUSE ME, HONEY.

THERE'S NO EXCUSE FOR YOU.

BURKE, WE'VE ALWAYS MANAGED TO COME TO SOME SORT OF AN ARRANGEMENT.

WHY THE FIREWORKS?

BECAUSE I'M HOLDING ALL THE GUNPOWDER.

I HAPPEN TO REPRESENT THE MAN WHO CREATED, OWNS, AND CONTROLS EVERY INCH OF SMOOCHY THE RHINO.

YOU SEEM TO FORGET, BURKE, THAT WE WENT OUT AND FOUND THIS GUY.

DUG UP HIS CORPSE, HANDED HIM HIS OWN SHOW WHEN HE COULDN'T SELL HIS FACE TO A PHOTO BOOTH.

WELL, THAT'S NOT EXACTLY TRUE, NORA.

THERE'S WAS A LOT OF PEOPLE WENT OUT FOR THAT CLINIC GIG, AND I WAS THE ONE THEY ENDED UP GOING--

ALLOW ME TO UNTANGLE THIS WEB OF SHIT.

I DON'T CARE IF HIS LAST JOB WAS JUGGLING APPLES FOR A HUT FULL OF PYGMIES ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF THE CONGO.

THIS MAN FITS THE BILL, AND YOU NEED HIM.

AND THAT IS WHY THE RHINO IS GONNA GET WHAT HE DESERVES.

AND WHAT WOULD THAT BE, EXACTLY?

TO THE STAR AND NEW EXECUTIVE PRODUCER OF THE SMOOCHY SHOW.

I'M STILL IN SHOCK.

MM-HMM.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

YOU GOTTA RUN ME THROUGH THIS AGAIN.

I HAVE COMPLETE CREATIVE CONTROL OF MY SHOW?

TOTAL, TOTAL, TOTAL.

VETO POWER OVER ALL MERCHANDISING?

THE CORPORATE PENTHOUSE IS MINE?

CUSHY.

I MUST BE DREAMING.

HEH HEH.

JUST THINK OF IT AS THE HIGH LIFE, SHEL.

YOU GOTTA GET USED TO THIS.

PRETTY SOON YOU'RE GONNA BE PISSIN' ON $100 BILLS JUST TO SEE THE LOOK ON FRANKLIN'S FACE.

I DON'T THINK I COULD EVER DO THAT.

I HAVE MUCH TOO MUCH RESPECT FOR WHAT THAT MAN ACCOMPLISHED.

UH, YEAH, YEAH. HE'S A GOOD MAN.

HERE. WHAT'S THIS?

KEEP IT DOWN. KEEP IT DOWN.

WHAT DID YOU DO, YOU OLD SNAKE?

I GOT YOU A LITTLE GRADUATION PRESENT.

THINK OF IT AS A TOOL OF THE TRADE.

BURKE, I CAN'T ACCEPT THIS.

NO?

I'VE NEVER OWNED A GUN. I DON'T BELIEVE IN THEM.

REALLY?

WHEN WE WERE KIDS AND MY BROTHERS AND I PLAYED COWBOYS AND INDIANS, I WAS ALWAYS THE CHINESE RAILROAD WORKER.

TRUST ME, SHELDON, IT'S A HANDY ACCESSORY TO HAVE IN THIS BUSINESS.

THERE WE GO. LET ME GET THAT FOR YOU, HUH?

OH, BOY.

LOOK, WHEN THIS GUY COMES OVER TO THE TABLE, DO NOT TALK TO HIM, OR HE'LL STAY HERE YACKIN' ALL NIGHT.

HEH HEH HEH. I LOVE THAT ONE.

IS THAT SPINNER DUNN, THE BOXER?

FRIED BEANS. BUT, HEY, YOU DON'T RETIRE WITH A RECORD OF 81 AND 59 AND END UP THE GOVERNOR.

WELL, HE'S GOTTA HAVE A COUPLE SMARTS TO RUN A PLACE LIKE THIS.

SPINNER? HE COULDN'T RUN A WATER FAUCET.

HE'S A MASCOT.

IT'S HIS COUSIN, TOMMY COTTER.

SHE'S A HEAVY HITTER.

HER AND HER BOYS, THEY RUN THE JOINT.

IRISH MOB.

WELL, HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?

...GOOD STRAWBERRIES AND--AND, UH--

HEY...

HERE HE COMES.

HEY, YOU KNOW WHO'S--

HEY! HEY, SMOOCHY!

HEY. HI, I'M SPINNER.

HEY, I'M SO EXCITED TO MEET YOU!

WELL, I'M EXCITED TO MEET YOU, TOO, SPINNER.

I'M SPINNER.

RIGHT. YEAH.

YEAH, OK. HA HA HA HA.

YOU'RE A FAN OF THE SHOW. THAT'S AMAZING.

HEY, SMOOCH, YOU KNOW WHAT I LOVE?

I LOVE WHEN YOU DO THE, UH, UH, THE JIGGY-ZIGGY DANCE, YOU KNOW?

YOU KNOW THE ONE YOU DO DURING SILLY TIME?

OH, YEAH, THAT'S ONE OF OUR BIG NUMBERS.

HEY, HEY, HEY!

YOU WANNA SEE ME DO IT?

SEE YOU DO THE--THE WHAT? THE JIGGY-ZIGGY?

YEAH.

WELL, SOMETIME, YOU KNOW?

I'LL DO IT FOR YOU RIGHT HERE. I'LL DO IT.

HEY, SMOOCH, I'LL DO IT. WATCH. UH...

[SINGING BEAT]

EXCUSE ME, SENATOR.

SURE, TOMMY.

OH, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!

OH, WELL I LOVE YOU, TOO, SPINNER.

HEY, I'M SPINNER.

RIGHT.

HEY, SPINNER. SPINNER.

COME OVER HERE AND MEET THE SENATOR.

OH, I--OH, I GOT--

YOU GO AHEAD.

OK. ALL RIGHT. HEY.

SMOOCHY'S HERE, TOMMY!

THAT'S NICE FOR YOU.

I'M HAPPY.

WOW, WAIT TILL I TELL MY FOLKS I MET SPINNER DUNN.

THE ONE AND ONLY.

WELL, HE SURE SEEMS LIKE A SWEET GUY.

HEY, DON'T GO ANYWHERE, SMOOCHY.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

I HAVE TO TAKE A DUMP.

I THINK YOU MADE A NEW FRIEND, KID.

WHEW.

EVER SINCE RANDOLPH GOT PINCHED, WE'VE GOT AIR IN THE PIPES.

WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' TO RESTORE FLOW?

THE PROBLEM IS THE RHINO'S STILL A LITTLE GREEN, BUT I'M SURE, EVENTUALLY, HE'LL COME AROUND.

IT'S JUST, HE'S GOT TO GET A TASTE OF HOW WE DO THINGS.

I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR EVENTUALLY, FRANK.

EVENTUALLY WE ALL GROW OLD AND DIE, ONLY SOMETIMES THE GROWIN' OLD PART DOESN'T HAPPEN.

I'M DOIN' THE BEST I CAN.

THE NETWORK BOARD IS WATCHING VERY CLOSELY.

YOU GOT YOURSELF A PROBLEM, SON.

NOW, THE RHINO BETTER LEARN TO PLAY BALL, AND SOON.

OTHERWISE, HE MIGHT NEED A LITTLE COACHING.

WIPE YOUR FOREHEAD, FRANK.

YOU GOT PLENTY OF TIME TO SWEAT.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

YEAH, WHO IS IT?

OPEN UP, BABY. IT'S RANDOLPH.

IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME.

RANDY. ANGIE.

FUCKING TRAITOR!

MY BODY WAS BARELY COLD AND YOU WENT TO WORK FOR THE RHINO.

I GOTTA EAT, DON'T I?!

YOU STRAPPED THAT HORN ON FASTER THAN A HOOKER LEAVES SALT LAKE.

YOU'RE A KRINKLE KID, NOT A SMOOCH-BAG! SAY IT!

RHINETTE! SAY IT.

"I AM A KRINKLE KID!"

SAY IT BEFORE GOD AND ALL THE BONES OF THE SAINTS. SAY IT!

I'M A RHINETTE, YOU GOT THAT?!

THE KRINKLE KIDS ARE 10 FEET UNDER!

WITH YOU.

I MISSED YOU SO MUCH.

CAN I STAY HERE? I GOT NO PLACE ELSE TO GO.

THEY KICKED ME OUT OF THE CORPORATE PENTHOUSE.

SONS OF BITCHES. THAT'S HOW I GOT THIS BEAUTY.

I GOT LIENS, BACK TAXES, LAWYERS' BILLS, THREATS AGAINST MY LIFE.

I GOT THE WHOLE WORLD UP MY FUCKIN' ASS.

DON'T YOU WORRY. I GOT A LONG MEMORY, BABY.

'CAUSE WHAT THEY SOW, THEY GONNA REAP, ANGIE.

STOP DOING THIS TO YOURSELF.

DON'T PISS YOUR LIFE AWAY LIKE THIS.

BUT IT'S THE RHINO, ANGIE.

THE DEVIL SENT HIM FROM HELL TO DESTROY ME.

SMOOCHY IS THE FACE OF EVIL.


Man: HEY, CONGRATULATIONS, SHELDON.

Sheldon: HEY. HEY, HOW YA DOIN'?

Woman: CONGRATULATIONS, MR. MOPES.

OH, THANKS. THANKS A LOT. THANKS.

MR. MOPES, LET ME GET THAT FOR YOU.

OH.

YOUR OFFICE IS JUST OVER HERE.

AND IF YOU NEED ANYTHING, JUST LET ME KNOW.

OK, THANKS, NATASHA.

YEAH.

NO, I GOTTA WORK TONIGHT. I CAN'T.

I'LL COME SUNDAY. OK, THAT'S--

[WHISPERING] I just wanna talk to you a little bit.

Like, 5 minutes, maybe?

LISTEN, MA, CAN I CALL YOU BACK?

YEAH, SOME ASSHOLE'S SCREAMING IN MY EAR.

OK, THANKS. BYE.

YEAH?

I'M SORRY. YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO GET OFF THE PHONE.

IF I DIDN'T, YOU'D STILL BE HERE.

BUT I AM STILL HERE.

I'M HOPING TO CORRECT THAT.

OH, LISTEN, NORA.

YOU KNOW, UH, I CAN UNDERSTAND THAT IT MIGHT FEEL A LITTLE AWKWARD FOR YOU.

MAYBE EVEN A LITTLE INTIMIDATING NOW THAT THE POWER STRUCTURE HAS CHANGED A BIT AROUND HERE.

BUT I HOPE YOU KNOW I STILL VALUE YOUR INPUT, AND I CONSIDER YOU A PARTNER.

IF I LIVE TO BE 1,000 AND SEE THE SECOND COMING OF CHRIST, I WILL NEVER BE YOUR PARTNER.

WELL, I KNOW WE'RE NOT PARTNERS YET.

THAT'S MY POINT.

LET'S MAKE A GAME PLAN, YOU KNOW? LET'S, UH, LET'S...

LET'S PENCIL IN A FEW LUNCH DATES, OR GO ON A RETREAT.

JUST YOU AND ME, ALONE TOGETHER.

COLLEAGUES, CHEWING THE FAT, EXCHANGING IDEAS.

LET'S--LET'S PLANT THE SEEDS OF A REAL COLLABORATION.

PLANT THIS.

YOU KNOW, NORA, HAS ANYONE EVER SUGGESTED TO YOU THAT MAYBE A LITTLE YOGA, MAYBE A HIGH COLONIC OR 2, COULD HELP LOOSEN YOU UP A LOT?

GET OUT OF MY OFFICE, YOU FUCKING HIPPIE!

YOU GET OUT! YOU GET OUT!

NO! YOU DON'T GET TO TELL THIS BOY WHAT TO DO ANYMORE, YOU UPTIGHT--

I'M GONNA HALT HERE.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'RE FAMILIAR WITH H.A.L.T.

IT'S A SELF-RECOGNITION TECHNIQUE.

HUNGRY, ANGRY, LONELY, TIRED.

THAT'S YOU, NORA.

AND I'M NOT GETTING SUCKED INTO YOUR NEGATIVE ENERGY.

IF YOU WANT ME, I'LL BE IN MY OFFICE.

IT'S THE BIG ONE OVER THERE, WITH THE VIEW.

THEY ALL HAVE VIEWS, YOU DUMB SHIT!

NOT LOOKIN' THIS WAY, CUPCAKE!

HEY, DON'T SHUT MY DOOR!

AH.

HEY.

"HAVE A LONG AND HEALTHY RUN. BURKE."

MY OWN LITTLE PATCH OF WHEATGRASS.

MORNIN'! CONGRATS ON THE BUMP.

MY COUSIN SPINNER'S TAKEN A REAL SHINE TO YOU.

EVER SINCE YOU COME IN THE RESTAURANT, HE CAN'T STOP YAKKIN'.

IT'S SMOOCHY THIS, SMOOCHY THAT.

OH, THAT'S NICE. I LIKE SPINNER.

HE'S VERY SWEET FOR SUCH A...

BIG FELLA.

SO, I WAS WONDERING IF YOU COULD GIVE HIM A LITTLE FLOOR SPACE.

FLOOR SPACE?

A LITTLE PART ON THE SHOW.

YOU'RE THE EXECUTIVE PRODUCER NOW, EH?

YOU CALL THE SHOTS, RIGHT?

YES. YES, I DO. UH, THE THING IS, TELEVISION IS A VERY COMPLICATED MEDIUM.

NOT JUST ANYBODY CAN WALK IN AND BE A SUCCESS AT IT.

MIND YOU, I LIKE SPINNER A LOT, BUT I WOULD SAY HIS CHANCES ON TELEVISION ARE ABOUT AS GOOD AS MINE IF I GOT IN THE RING WITH HIM.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

IT'S LIKE, IT WOULD BE PAINFUL.

THIS MAKES ME VERY SAD.

WHAT'S WRONG, TOMMY?

NOTHING, I'M JUST VERY, VERY SAD RIGHT NOW.

WHO MADE YOU SAD, TOMMY?

I DON'T LIKE TO MENTION NAMES.

OH. WELL, UH, SAY, FELLAS, I JUST REMEMBERED.

WE GOT A PART THAT WE WERE LOOKING TO CAST, AND SPINNER WOULD BE PERFECT FOR IT, I THINK.

THAT'S PROBABLY THE BEST SOLUTION.

YOU'RE A GOOD BOY, MOPES.

DON'T THINK WE DON'T REMEMBER FAVORS.

YOU'RE WELCOME AT OUR PLACE ANYTIME.

COME ON, BOYS.

OK. WELL, UH, THANKS FOR STOPPING BY.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

HELLO?

YOU BETTER GROW EYES IN THE BACK OF YOUR FUCKIN' HEAD, YOU HORNED PIECE OF SHIT, BECAUSE I'M NOT GONNA SLEEP UNTIL WORMS ARE CRAWLING UP YOUR FOAM RUBBER ASS!

I'M GOIN' ON SAFARI, MOTHERFUCKER!

SAFARI!

[IMITATES ELEPHANT]

GEE WHIZ. WHAT A DAY.

DO YOU EVER KNOCK?

CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR LITTLE ICE SHOW.

EXCUSE ME?

DIDN'T TAKE YOU LONG TO SELL OUT, DID IT?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

I'M TALKING ABOUT YOU, AND HOW YOU'RE A PHONY JUST LIKE ALL THE REST.

"HI, I'M SMOOCHY.

"I DON'T CARE ABOUT MONEY.

"IT'S ALL ABOUT DOIN' A GOOD SHOW

"WITHOUT ALL THE BELLS AND WHISTLES AND RICKETA-RACKETA."

YEAH, KEEP GOING. YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU LOOK REALLY GOOD WITH YOUR FOOT STUCK IN YOUR MOUTH LIKE THAT.

JUST JAM IT IN THERE NICE AND TIGHT, OK?

HMM. WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR PRECIOUS INTEGRITY?

OR IS THAT JUST PART OF YOUR DOG AND PONY SHOW?

I NEVER AGREED TO DO AN ICE SHOW!

DO YOU REALIZE THE SHEKELS THAT WE CAN TAKE IN FROM THE GATE AND THE CONCESSION ALONE?

I DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT.

THESE THINGS REPRESENT EVERYTHING THAT I'M AGAINST.

THEY'RE--THEY'RE MINDLESS SPECTACLES WHOSE MAIN PURPOSE IS PEDDLING OVERPRICED SUGAR WATER AND CHEAP PLASTIC TOYS THAT SPLINTER ON THE RIDE HOME, AND GET, YOU KNOW, LODGED IN SOME KID'S SEPTUM.

I MEAN, WHERE'S OUR DIGNITY?

SHELDON, I KNOW YOU GOT A FETISH FOR ETHICS.

NOW'S NOT THE TIME TO FLY THAT KITE.

YOU CAN'T CHANGE THE WORLD, BUDDY.

NO, BUT YOU CAN MAKE A DENT.

NO ONE HAS EVER REFUSED AN ICE SHOW. NO ONE.

UNTIL NOW. SMOOCHY DOESN'T SELL OUT.

THAT'S IT. OK? YOU SHOULD BE PROUD THAT YOU HAVE A CLIENT WHO CAN MAKE THAT CLAIM.

OH, YEAH. I'M DOIN' BACKFLIPS.

[HITS COWBELL OFF TIME]

OK, WASN'T THAT FUN? IN A AWKWARD SORT OF WAY?

[KIDS CHEER]

YEAH, IT SURE WAS.

[CLANGING COWBELL]

HEY, UH, DID I DO GOOD, UH, SHELDON?

I DID GOOD, RIGHT?

YOU DID GREAT, BUDDY.

OK. UH, I'M GONNA GO GET DRUNK NOW.

OK, YOU BE CAREFUL.

HEY, LADY.

HEY, NICE JOB.

CASTING THE SHOW WITH MENTAL PATIENTS.

I LIKE THAT.

CUT THAT OUT, ALL RIGHT?

GOLLY. HE'S NOT A MENTAL PATIENT.

HE'S A NIGHTCLUB OWNER, AND AN AMBASSADOR FOR HIS SPORT, BY THE WAY. JUST HAPPENS TO HAVE THE SWEET DISPOSITION OF A 5 YEAR OLD.

AND A COUSIN NAMED TOMMY COTTER.

AT LEAST HE'S GOT A SENSE OF HUMOR.

THAT'S MORE THAN I CAN SAY FOR SOME PEOPLE.

[SIGHS]

WHAT?

[SCOFFS]

HI, THERE.

HI, HOW YA DOIN'?

GET IN.

WELL, THAT'S OK.

I'M JUST GONNA GRAB A CAB.

HUMOR ME, RHINO.

WELL, HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?

MERV GREEN, SHELDON.

PLEASURE TO MEET YA.

YOU EVER TRY PUTTING THAT ACROSS WITHOUT THE FIREARM?

SHELDON, I REPRESENT THE PARADE OF HOPE FOUNDATION.

NOW, MAYBE YOU'VE HEARD OF US.

YEAH. YOU GUYS RAISE MONEY TO BUILD CHILDREN'S HOSPITALS, RIGHT?

WE'VE BEEN KNOWN TO ADD A BRICK OR 2.

SO, NOW LET ME GET RIGHT TO THE POINT, SHELDON.

THERE'S TALK ON THE STREET THAT YOU'RE PULLIN' OUT OF THE ICE SHOW.

NOW, IS THAT TRUE?

NO, I'M NOT PULLING OUT OF THE ICE SHOW, BECAUSE I NEVER AGREED TO DO AN ICE SHOW.

NOR WOULD I EVER AGREE TO DO AN ICE SHOW, AND...

CAN I ASK HOW IS THAT ANY OF YOUR CONCERN, SIR?

THE PARADE OF HOPE HAS SPONSORED EVERY KIDNET ICE SHOW SINCE 1964.

WE TAKE A LITTLE OFF THE TOP, EVERYONE GOES HOME HAPPY.

SO LET'S NOT BUCK HISTORY.

FOR THE GAZILLIONTH TIME, I HAVE NO INTEREST IN DOING AN ICE SHOW, EVER.

SO, IF THAT'S ALL YOU WANNA DISCUSS, MAYBE YOU CAN JUST LET ME OUT AND WE COULD SAY HAPPY TRAILS.

CAN I HAVE THE FAR CORNER?

STARTING TOMORROW, SMOOCHY THE RHINO RAISES HIS BATON FOR PARADE OF HOPE.

BANQUETS, BENEFITS, I WANT IT ALL.

YOU CAN PULL OVER, JIMMY.

AND AS FAR AS THE ICE SHOW GOES, I SUGGEST YOU START SHOPPING FOR SKATES.

THIS IS COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE! I'M CALLING THE AUTHORITIES!

Burke: DON'T DO IT, SHEL.

YOU RAT ON THE PARADE OF HOPE, YOU'LL BE LUCKY TO FIND YOUR TOENAILS.

THESE GUYS ARE THE ROUGHEST OF ALL THE CHARITIES.

LOOK, MAYBE YOU HAVEN'T BEEN LISTENING TO ME.

I JUST HAD MY LIFE THREATENED BY AN ORGANIZATION THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE HELPING CHILDREN.

WHAT THE HELL KIND OF WORLD ARE WE LIVING IN?

THE REAL ONE. MY ADVICE?

CONSIDER THE ICE SHOW AND STAY HEALTHY.

[HANGS UP]

WELL, HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

HI.

AW, GREAT. WHAT'D I DO NOW?

CAN I COME IN?

SURE.

EVERYTHING OK?

I'M DRUNK.

WELL, NOT THAT I WANNA MAKE YOU FEEL BAD OR ANYTHING, BUT YOU KNOW, WITH ALCOHOL, YOU'RE ALSO CONSUMING EMPTY CALORIES.

LISTEN, I CAME HERE TO APOLOGIZE.

OH, REALLY? YES.

AND ON THESE RARE OCCASIONS WHEN I FEEL THE NEED TO APOLOGIZE FOR SOMETHING, IT HELPS IF I'M, YOU KNOW...SHITFACED.

AM I SUPPOSED TO FEEL HONORED BY THAT?

I MIGHT'VE BEEN A LITTLE HARSH WHEN WE SPOKE THE OTHER DAY.

A LITTLE OUT OF LINE.

OH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, YOU KNOW?

UH, LAST WEEK YOU WERE CALLING ME A PASTY-FACED, NO-TALENT HACK.

LISTEN, I HEARD YOU'RE NOT DOING THE ICE SHOW.

NO, OF COURSE NOT. NOW THAT I KNOW WHAT THEY'RE ALL ABOUT. NO THANKS TO YOU.

WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST TELL ME?

OH, I DON'T KNOW, YOU KNOW.

I DON'T WANNA SPOIL ALL YOUR FUN.

YOU GET SUCH A SPARKLY GLOW AROUND YOU WHEN YOU'RE BERATING ME IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY ELSE.

OK, I MAY HAVE BECOME A BIT HARDENED OVER THE YEARS.

YEAH, I BET.

LISTEN, SINCERITY IS AN EASY DISGUISE IN THIS BUSINESS. IT'S HARD TO KNOW WHO'S ON THE LEVEL.

THAT'S TRUE.

I'VE BEEN LEARNING A LOT ABOUT THAT MYSELF LATELY.

[SIGHS]

SOMETIMES LIGHT IS REALLY DARK, SOMETIMES CROWS CAN SING LIKE LARKS.

SOMETIMES WINTER FEELS LIKE SPRING.

Both: DON'T THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING.

RICKETS THE HIPPO?

YOU REMEMBER RICKETS?

WHEN I WAS A KID, RICKETS WAS THE ONE FACE I COULD TRUST.

HE WAS THE INSPIRATION FOR ME TO WORK IN CHILDREN'S TELEVISION.

ME, TOO! NO.

YEAH! YEAH, I GOT ORDERED TO TAKE THIS ANGER MANAGEMENT CLASS IN COLLEGE, AND WE HAD TO NAME A PERSON WHO REPRESENTED LOVE AND PATIENCE.

I NAMED RICKETS.

HE'S THE WHOLE REASON I CREATED SMOOCHY.

I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.

ME, NEITHER.

USUALLY WHEN I TELL PEOPLE ABOUT RICKETS, THEY LOOK AT ME LIKE I'M WHACKED.

GET OUTTA HERE! HE WAS THE BEST!

DO YOU REMEMBER THE KLUNKY-WUNKY?

REMEMBER IT? I DID IT FOR MY FIRST HOLY COMMUNION.

GET OUT! YOU DID NOT!

YES!

YOU?

THE WHOLE, LIKE... [SINGS NONSENSE]

Both: * FROM ME TO YOU *

I SHOULD GO.

WAIT. NO. NO. YOU KNOW, STAY A LITTLE WHILE. I GOT RICKETS ON TAPE.

IT'S GETTING LATE.

ARE YOU SURE? I GOT SOME NICE FENNEL TEA. WE COULD JUST HANG OUT A LITTLE BIT, YOU KNOW.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

OH, YOU SHOULD GET THAT. BYE.

IT'S OK. UH...

[RING]

SO, I'LL SEE YOU DOWN AT THE STORE.

[RING]

HELLO?

[SCOTTISH ACCENT] HELLO, MR. MOPES?

YEAH?

MY NAME IS BENJAMIN McKNUCKLEPECK.

I'M CALLING ON BEHALF OF PARENT'S FOR DECENCY IN CHILDREN'S TELEVISION.

PERHAPS YOU'VE HEARD OF US?

OH, NO, I HAVEN'T. BUT I LIKE WHERE YOU'RE COMING FROM. THAT'S AN ISSUE VERY CLOSE TO MY HEART, YOU KNOW.

I WAS JUST TALKING TO--

GREAT. YOU KNOW, TOMORROW AFTERNOON WE'RE HAVING A BANQUET, AND WE'D BE HONORED IF YOU'D PERFORM FOR US.

OH.

WE'D ALSO LIKE TO PRESENT YOU WITH A PLAQUE, A TOKEN FOR YOUR CONTINUED COMMITMENT TO CHILDREN'S TELEVISION.

THE PRESENTER WILL BE A YOUNG ORPHAN WITH MILD ASTHMA.

OH, WOW. COULD YOU ATTEND?

YEAH, I'D BE HAPPY TO.

OH, THAT'D BE GREAT. WE'LL SEE YOU THEN.

MR. KUNKLEPECK, I REALLY WANNA THANK YOU FOR PICKING ME UP LIKE THIS.

NO WORRIES, MR. MOPES.

A CHANCE TO HAVE SMOOCHY THE RHINO PERFORM AT OUR LITTLE SOIRĂ©E.

I'D STICK MY WILLIE IN A NEST OF FUNNEL WEBS IF I HAD TO.

WELL, THAT SOUNDS A LITTLE EXTREME.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST TRY "PLEASE"?

YOU'RE FUNNY.

HEY, THERE'S VODKA AND POTATO CHIPS BACK THERE IF YOU'RE HUNGRY.

NOW, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'RE AWARE OF THIS, BUT FOODS LIKE THAT CAN REALLY SIGNIFICANTLY LOWER YOUR CHI.

YOU KNOW, I'VE NEVER EATEN KOREAN FOOD, BUT THANK YOU FOR THE INFORMATION.

THAT'S WHY THE WEE ONES LOVE YOUR SHOW SO MUCH.

YOU CAN LEARN AND LAUGH AT THE SAME TIME.

OH, IT'S JUST SUCH A FRESH CHANGE FROM THAT DREADFUL EMBEZZLER, THAT RAINBOW RANDY.

WHAT WAS HIS NAME?

UH, RANDOLPH, I THINK IT WAS. YEAH.

UH, RANDOLPH. AYE, THAT'S THE SCOUNDREL.

PROBABLY GAY, TOO.

SORRY, WHAT'D YOU SAY?

HE'S A PILLOW BITER, YOU KNOW? THE OLD, UH...

OH, WELL, I WOULDN'T KNOW ABOUT HIS SLEEPING DISORDERS OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT.

BUT I'LL TELL YOU, I DO THINK HE'S GOT SOME PROBLEMS. ALCOHOL AND ANGER TO NAME A FEW.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WELL, I FEEL SORRY FOR HIM.

I MEAN, HE'S OBVIOUSLY GOT ISSUES HE OUGHTA BE DEALING WITH.

AYE. AYE. AYE. RIGHT.

YEAH, BUT DON'T YOU TAKE A PARTICULAR GLEE IN THE FACT THAT YOU'VE STOLEN HIS TIME SLOT AND YOU'RE SHOVELING DIRT ON HIS MISERABLE CORPSE, AS IT WERE?

OH, NO. HEY, LISTEN, I WOULD NEVER TAKE PLEASURE IN SOMEONE ELSE'S MISFORTUNE. IF YOU WANNA KNOW THE TRUTH, I THOUGHT RAINBOW RANDOLPH WAS PRETTY TALENTED.

[SCOTTISH ACCENT FADES] OH, COME ON.

HE'S A MISERABLE COCK SUCKER!

A FUCKING ASSHOLE! YOU HATE HIM, ADMIT IT!

WHERE'D YOU SAY YOU WERE FROM, MR. McKUNKLE?

OH, THE WEE ONES ARE READY FOR YA.

[EXHALES] OH, I'M READY.

LET'S GO, GIVE ME MY AXE.

HERE WE GO. LET'S SHAKE A STICK.

OK. AYE.

BOY, I'LL TELL YOU, THIS IS REALLY EXCITING FOR ME, MR. KUNKLEPECK.

AYE, ME, TOO.

I'VE NEVER PLAYED IN A TRACTOR PARTS WAREHOUSE BEFORE.

WELL, MR. MOPES, WE LIKE TO KEEP IT NO FRILLS.

IT'S ALL ABOUT THE WEE ONES.

THAT IS SUCH A GREAT ATTITUDE.

I WISH MORE PEOPLE FELT THAT WAY.

YOU KNOW WHAT MY MOTTO IS?

SOMETHING INANE, I'M SURE.

YOU CAN'T CHANGE THE WORLD, BUT YOU CAN MAKE A DENT.

AYE. NOT TO WORRY, MR. MOPES.

YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE A DENT.

GO OUT THERE AND HONK THAT HORN!

THANKS.

AYE.

AUF WIEDERSHEN.

Announcer: ...OUR VERY SPECIAL GUEST, SMOOCHY THE RHINO!

HELLO, NEW JERSEY!

[CROWD APPLAUDS]

IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE, KIDS.

SING ALONG IF YOU KNOW IT.

* FRIENDS, FRIENDS, WE ALL GOT FRIENDS *

* YOU'VE GOT ME, AND I GOT YOU *

* FRIENDS, FRIENDS, WE ALL NEED FRIENDS *

* IT'S OUR PALS THAT GET US THROUGH *

* OH, IF I HAD A DOLLAR *

* FOR EVERY FRIEND I'VE MADE *

YOU KNOW, IT'S A LITTLE HARD TO SING TO YOUR FRIENDS WHEN, UH, YOU CAN'T SEE 'EM.

UH, LOOK, COULD WE JUST KILL THAT SPOT AND BRING THE HOUSE LIGHTS UP, MAYBE?

HEIL, SMOOCHY!

Crowd: HEIL, SMOOCHY! HEIL, SMOOCHY!

HEIL, SMOOCHY! HEIL, SMOOCHY!

HEIL, SMOOCHY! HEIL, SMOOCHY!

HEIL, SMOOCHY! HEIL, SMOOCHY!

I HOPE I'M DREAMING.

[POLICE SIRENS]

FREEZE, YOU NAZI SCUM! THIS IS AN UNLAWFUL ASSEMBLY!

PUT YOUR HANDS ON YOUR HEADS AND LINE UP AGAINST THE WALL!

HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU READ MEIN KAMPF?

IS SMOOCHY A CODE WORD FOR "WHITE POWER"?

IS ADOLPH HITLER YOUR PERSONAL HERO?

ARE YOU PLANNING A VIOLENT OVERTHROW OF THE GOVERNMENT?

I DON'T HATE ANYBODY!

DOES THAT MEAN YOU DON'T HATE NAZIS?

HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE A RACIST SCUMBAG?


HERE AT THE KIDNET JUNGLE, THE RHINO IS NOW EXTINCT.

THE SMOOCHY SLOT WILL BE SAFELY OCCUPIED BY...BY CARTOON RERUNS.

[REPORTERS SHOUTING QUESTIONS]

HELLO, LITTLE NIPPLE-NIBBLER.

THE RHINO'S A NAZI.

[CRIES]

* THE RHINO IS SCREWED-O *

* THE RHINO IS SCREWED *


NORA! NORA, PSST! IT'S ME.

NO, WAIT. NORA, I GOT TO TALK TO YOU.

WE HAVE NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT.

WHAT? THEY'RE CALLING ME A FASCIST.

IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED, I'M BEING COMPARED UNFAVORABLY WITH GOEBBELS.

HEY, IF THE JACKBOOT FITS...

WHAT? YOU CAN'T TELL ME YOU BELIEVE WHAT THEY'RE SAYING ABOUT ME?

I DON'T HAVE TO BELIEVE ANYONE.

THE PICTURE IN THE PAPER SAID IT ALL.

NO. NO. THAT WAS A SETUP.

I WAS SET UP, I'M TELLING YOU.

IT WAS THIS, THIS FETALKUNKLE GUY OR SOMETHING.

HE TOLD ME IT WAS FOR KIDS. I THOUGHT IT WAS FOR KIDS.

I HAD NO IDEA IT WAS A NAZI RALLY.

FUNNY, YOU'D THINK THE 50-FOOT SWASTIKA BEHIND YOU MIGHT'VE GIVEN YOU A HINT.

OH! NO. NO. THAT WAS LATER. THAT WAS LATER.

I WENT OUT IN THE DARK, I'M TELLING YOU, WITH THIS LIGHT IN MY EYES. IT WAS LIKE A NIGHTMARE.

SUDDENLY, YOU KNOW, WHAM, AND IT'S JACKBOOTS AND GESTAPO AND "SMOOCH-HEIL! SMOOCH-HEIL!"

NORA, I'M TELLING YOU, I NEED YOUR HELP.

I'M REALLY IN A PICKLE HERE.

THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS I DON'T KNOW YOU, OK?

WHAT?

NOT REALLY.

SO DON'T EXPECT ME TO GO OUT ON AN EMOTIONAL LIMB HERE.

BUT NORA...

NORA! WHAT ABOUT THE KLUNKY-WUNKY DANCE?

I WAS DRUNK.

DON'T READ TOO MUCH INTO IT.


IF YOU'RE LOOKING TO GET A CUP OF JUICE, THE WELL'S DRIED UP, SON. CITY SHUT HER DOWN.

BASTARDS'LL SLAP A NEW PAIR OF TITS ON THE STATUE OF LIBERTY, BUT THEY WON'T HELP A POOR HOPHEAD.

JUST ONCE I WISH I HAD A LITTLE CLOUT, YOU KNOW?

I'D SET THINGS STRAIGHT IN THIS TOWN.

BELIEVE ME.

HELL OF A WORLD.

HELL OF A WORLD.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

WHAT DO YOU WANT, RANDOLPH?

CAN YOU SPARE 60 SECONDS FOR A SMILEY OLD FACE FROM YOUR PAST?

HELLO, KITTEN.

WELL, SO HERE'S THE GOOD NEWS.

I KNOW THAT YOU AND FRANK ARE IN A BIT OF A BIND.

I'D BE HAPPY TO END MY SABBATICAL AND COME BACK TO MY OLD TIME SLOT.

I COULD START MONDAY.

OOH, NO MEAT.

WHEN DID YOU BECOME A VEGETARIAN?

TELL YOU WHAT, YOU CALL COSTUMES AND PROPS AND TELL THEM THAT THE OLD R-MAN IS BACK, READY TO START WHISTLING THEM HAPPY TUNES FOR THE LITTLE CHILLENS.

WHOSE TOES DO YOU HAVE TO SUCK TO GET A DRINK AROUND HERE?

YOU GOT 3 SECONDS TO PRY YOUR ASS OFF MY COUCH AND GET OUT.

OH, MISSY, COME ON, NOW.

I KNOW YOU NEED SOMEONE FOR THAT TIME SLOT, AND I'M HERE TO RECLAIM WHAT'S RIGHTFULLY MINE.

JUST IN CASE YOU FORGOT, YOU'RE A CRIMINAL AND A SCUMBAG.

HAVE YOU LOST ALL AFFECTION FOR ME?

HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN WHAT WE ONCE HAD?

THAT WAS A LONG TIME AGO, RANDY.

I WAS YOUNG AND STUPID.

AND LIMBER.

WHY WE BROKE UP, I'LL NEVER KNOW.

YOU TURNED INTO AN ASSHOLE, AND I DIDN'T LOVE YOU.

OH. WE COULD HAVE WORKED THROUGH THAT, BABY.

OW!

GOD DAMN IT, NORA!

THE PUBLIC'S CLAMORING FOR ME, EVEN IF YOU AREN'T!

I'M A FUCKING PATRIOT COMPARED TO MOPES.

MOPES IS A NAZI. PROBABLY GAY, TOO.

YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE WAY HE WAS CHECKING ME OUT IN THE CAR.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

WHAT DOES WHAT MEAN?

YOU JUST SAID HE WAS CHECKING YOU OUT IN THE CAR. WHAT CAR?

WHAT? UM, NO. I'M JUST SAYING IT'S A VIBE, YOU KNOW? IT'S JUST KIND OF, YOU KNOW, A HOMOSEXUAL NAZI VIBE.

YOU KNOW, IT'S SOMETHING THAT EMANATES FROM THE TV.

I MEAN, WHAT'S WITH THE SMOOCHY COSTUME?

BIG, ERECT HORN. WHAT'S THAT ALL ABOUT?

YOU'RE TALKING AWFULLY FAST, RANDOLPH.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, TALKING FAST?

I'M NOT TALKING FAST, I'M JUST, YOU KNOW, I--I STILL LOVE YOU, NORA.

IT'S OBVIOUS, ISN'T IT? WHY CAN'T WE GO ON A DATE?

WERE YOU AT THAT RALLY?

HUH? HMM?

TELL ME. WHAT?

DID YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH THIS?

DID YOU SET SHELDON UP?

DID I SET SHELDON UP? I KNOW WHY WE BROKE UP NOW.

ALWAYS WITH THE INSINUATIONS, THE ACCUSATIONS.

BITCH! BITCH! BITCH!

I MISS SMOOCHY.

OH.

HE NEVER COULD HAVE DONE, UH, THE THINGS THEY SAY HE DONE.

HE AIN'T NO NAZI.

I WANT... I WANT SMOOCHY BACK.

I WANNA BE ON THE TV AGAIN.

I WANNA PLAY MY COWBELL.

OH, SHH. SHH. SHH. SHH.

HEY, TOMMY. HAS BURKE BEEN IN TONIGHT?

I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM.

AH, DAMN.

ANYTHING I CAN HELP YOU WITH?

I GOT TO TALK TO HIM. IT'S ABOUT SHELDON.

SHELDON?

HEY, WHAT ABOUT SHELDON?

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

I'M TRYING TO SLEEP, ASSHOLE!

READ THE FUCKING METER SOME OTHER TIME!

WELL, HELLO, THERE, MR. RAINBOW.

HOW LOVELY TO SEE YOU IN THE FLESH.

COME HERE. HEY!

NOW, YOU WANT TO TELL ME ABOUT THE RHINO?

THIS IS PRIVATE PROPERTY. YOU'RE FUCKING TRESPASSING.

DANNY, GO GIVE MR. SMILEY A LITTLE BACK RUB.

OH, AAH! WHOA! NO! AAH!

START YAKKIN', FRIEND.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

I'M MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS HERE.

YOU'RE VIOLATING MY PRIVATE SPA--

OOH! AH.

AAH!

AH! ALL RIGHT, YOU SPUD-SUCKING FUCKS!

I'M SUING YOUR RIVERDANCE ASS!

I'M GONNA SEND YOU ALL THE WAY BACK HOME, EH?

ROY, HAVE YOU GOT THE HAMMER?

ALWAYS GOT THE HAMMER, TOMMY.

I DID IT. IT WAS ME. IT WAS ALL ME.

THANK GOD WE CLEARED UP EVERYTHING WITHOUT FURTHER VIOLENCE.

BACK OFF!

DON'T TOUCH ME!

MY NAME ISN'T WANDOLPH, IT'S RANDOLPH.

HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE VOTED THE MOST HATED MAN IN AMERICA?

IN A COUNTRY FULL OF NEANDERTHALS, I WEAR IT AS A FUCKING BADGE OF HONOR.

NORA WELLS SAYS YOU HAVE AN UNHEALTHY OBSESSION WITH SHELDON MOPES.

I BARELY KNOW THAT BITCH, OK?

AND SHE'S BEEN DOWN ON EVERYTHING BUT THE TITANIC.

SHE SPREADS LIKE CREAM CHEESE FOR SHELDON.

WHAT ABOUT THE RUMORS THAT YOU'RE MENTALLY UNBALANCED?

WHO THE FUCK SAID THAT?! THAT'S BULLSHIT!

I'M NOT MENTALLY UNBALANCED!

I'M ON THE SAME DOSAGE I'VE ALWAYS BEEN ON.

LET ME HANDLE THIS.

LISTEN, BETWEEN MY CLIENT'S DWINDLING CASH FLOW AND HIS MOUNTING LEGAL FEES, HE'S SINKING INTO A DEEP PSYCHOTIC DEPRESSION.

SOMEONE GRABBED MY ASS.

GET AWAY FROM ME! DON'T TOUCH ME!

OH, VERY NICE!

I'VE BEEN SHOT. I'M BLEEDING!

SALMONELLA! YOU'RE A LAWYER! THAT'S SALMONELLA!

SOMEONE TOUCHED MY ASS.

I WANT SOME ROOM TO BREATHE!

BACK OFF!

MAN, IT'S CRAZY OUT THERE.

OH, YEAH? YEAH.

ALL RIGHT.

HEY, LISTEN.

I WANTED TO SAY I'M SORRY, I JUST...

I'M SO SORRY I DIDN'T BELIEVE YOU, AND I GOT SWEPT UP IN THE FRENZY OF ANTI-SMOOCHYISM.

AW, HECK, THAT'S OK.

YOU KNOW, IT'S A HOUSE OF MIRRORS OUT THERE. YOU CAN'T ALWAYS TELL WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING AT.

YEAH.

ANYWAY, IF IT WEREN'T FOR YOU, I WOULDN'T EVEN BE BACK HERE. REALLY.

THANKS.

OK. OK, GOOD.

5 MINUTES, SHEL.

THANKS. OK. MERDE.

I DON'T KNOW SPANISH, BUT THANKS ANYWAY.

IT MEANS GOOD LUCK.

Announcer: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BOYS AND GIRLS, WHO'S YOUR FAVORITE RHINO?

[CROWD CHEERS]

SMOOCHY!

THAT'S MY PAL! THAT'S MY PAL!

THAT'S MY PAL, SMOOCHY!

YOU GUYS ARE THE GREATEST!

THANKS, KIDS. THANKS A LOT.

IT'S GREAT TO BE BACK HOME WITH YOU.

I KNOW I WAS AWAY FOR A LITTLE TOO LONG, AND SOME OF YOU PROBABLY HEARD I WENT THROUGH SOME PRETTY ROUGH TIMES.

LIFE OUTSIDE THE MAGIC JUNGLE, IT CAN, UH...

WELL, IT CAN GET PRETTY COMPLICATED.

THERE'S A LOT OF UGLINESS OUT THERE, A FAIR AMOUNT OF INJUSTICE.

SOMETIMES BEING A GOOD PERSON, WELL, THAT JUST ISN'T ALWAYS ENOUGH.

AND I'M HERE TO TELL YOU WHEN THAT HAPPENS, IT IS HARD NOT TO GET FRUSTRATED.

MAYBE EVEN START FEELING A LITTLE BITTER.

OH, LOOK, I'M JUST GONNA SAY IT.

SOMETIMES, BOYS AND GIRLS, IT'S GONNA MAKE YOU FLAT-OUT MAD.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT I DO WHEN I GET MAD, BOYS AND GIRLS?

WHEN THAT PRESSURE STARTS BUILDING UP ON MY HEART TO WHERE I FEEL LIKE MAYBE I'M JUST NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO TAKE IT ANYMORE, AND THIS OLD RHINO MIGHT HAVE TO PUT A LITTLE HURT ON SOMEONE ELSE?

YOU KNOW WHAT I DO THEN?

I HOWL!

THAT'S RIGHT. I TAKE ALL THE THINGS I DON'T LIKE ABOUT THE WORLD, AND I LET OUT A BIG OLD HOWL.

[HOWLS]

COME ON AND HOWL WITH ME, NOW.

[EVERYONE HOWLS]

HOWL IT OUT!

TAKE ALL THAT FRUSTRATION INSIDE YOU, BALL IT UP IN A TIGHT LITTLE BALL, AND LET IT OUT IN A HOWL!

[EVERYONE HOWLS]


WHEW.

THANKS A LOT, KIDS. I...I FEEL MUCH BETTER NOW.

SO, WHO WANTS TO DO THE JIGGY-ZIGGY?

[KIDS CHEER]

HEY!

YEAH!

WELL, SMOOCHY IS BACK, AND BOY, DID WE MISS HIM.

SHUT UP!

OH, I KNOW YOU DID, HUNTER.

AS WELL AS HUNDREDS OF WELL-WISHERS...

VERY BAD.

WHO STOOD IN FRONT OF KIDNET STUDIOS TO CATCH A GLIMPSE OF THEIR...

TOO MUCH FOR BRAIN. PRESSURE BUILDING.

Man: SMOOCHY'S POPULARITY IS STRONGER THAN EVER...

SHUT UP.

I DESPISE YOU!

I LOATHE YOU!

BASTARD SON OF BARNEY!

DIE! DIE, YOU SOFT SON OF FLUFF!

YOU ILLEGITIMATE TELETUBBY!

DIE, YOU MUPPET FROM HELL!

DIE, YOU FOAM MOTHERFUCKER! DIE! DIE!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? THAT'S A PICTURE-IN-PICTURE!

IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.

I WANT YOU OUT!

WHAT? NO, ANGELO.

ANGELO, WHERE AM I SUPPOSED TO GO?

I DON'T CARE. GET YOUR SLIPPERS ON AND GET OUT!

WHAT? COME ON. PLEASE, ANGELO.

NO, GET OUT!

CAN'T YOU SEE I NEED HELP?

I DON'T CARE ANYMORE. I HELPED YOU. YOU ABUSED IT.

OH, BOY.

OH, I MISSED YOU SO MUCH.

OH, I MISSED YOU, TOO, PAL. I REALLY DID.

HEY, HEY, SHELDON, LOOK.

I BEEN PRACTICING AND PRACTICING.

I'M GETTING REALLY GOOD AT IT.

HEY, YOU WANNA SEE ME MARCH?

NO, BUT YOU'RE GONNA ANYWAYS.

THERE YOU GO.

YOU GOTTA LOVE HIM.

OK. FIRST, THE GOOD NEWS.

I'VE GIVEN IT A LOT OF THOUGHT, AND I'VE DECIDED I AM GONNA DO THE ICE SHOW.

[GASPS] SHELDON!

HA HA HA HA!

YEAH, I'M REALLY PRETTY EXCITED.

NOW I GOT A BAR MITZVAH BOY!

THAT'S A GREAT DECISION.

NO. IT'S JUST AFTER EVERYTHING WE'VE BEEN THROUGH, I REALIZED IT REALLY IS A CRIME TO WASTE YOUR POWER WHEN YOU GOT IT.

ROCK BOTTOM'S A COLLEGE EDUCATION, KID.

YOU GOT THAT RIGHT.

NOW, ARE YOU READY FOR THE REALLY GOOD NEWS?

I'M DOING IT ALL MYSELF.

NO SPONSORS, NO VENDORS, NO CROOKS.

NOT ONE DIRTY HAND IS GONNA TOUCH THIS.

NOT ONE PERSON IS GONNA MAKE A PENNY OFF OF THESE KIDS.

THE SMOOCHY ON ICE SHOW IS GONNA BE SQUEAKY CLEAN.

BUT-- NO, NO, NO. WAIT.

I'M NOT FINISHED YET.

AS FAR AS THE REFRESHMENTS GO, THEY WILL BE PROVIDED BY ME. AND FOR FREE.

SODIUM-FREE PRETZELS, APPLE SLICES, ORGANIC SMOOTHIES.

EVERYTHING HEALTHY THE WAY IT OUGHT TO BE.

AND YOU WANT TO HEAR THE VERY BEST PART?

I'M HOLDIN' MY BREATH.

HALF OF ALL THE PROFITS ARE GONNA GO TO REBUILD THE CONEY ISLAND DRUG CLINIC.

WAIT A MINUTE. ARE YOU TELLING ME YOU WANT TO GIVE AWAY HALF THE PROFITS?

OH, NO, NO, NO. NOT HALF, ALL.

ALL THE PROFITS.

THE OTHER HALF WE USE TO FUND EDUCATION PROGRAMS ABOUT DRUGS FOR KIDS, 'CAUSE LET'S FACE IT, BIG JUNKIES COME FROM LITTLE JUNKIES.

WE GOTTA NIP THIS IN THE BUD, BURKE!

SHELDON, YOU CANNOT DO AN ICE SHOW AND CUT OUT THE VENDORS.

ESPECIALLY THE PARADE OF HOPE. THAT'S SUICIDE.

NO, IT'S NOT. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TAUGHT ME.

WHEN YOU GOT MUSCLE, YOU MAKE THE RULES.

AND I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING.

I AM FEELING PRETTY STRONG RIGHT ABOUT NOW.

I GOT MY CLOUT BACK, AND I'M GONNA USE IT THIS TIME.

MAKE IT HAPPEN.

SHEL. SHEL.

YOU GOTTA HELP ME OUT HERE.

HE'S BANGIN' THIS GODDAMN THING FROM MORNING TILL NIGHT.

I HATE TO TAKE IT AWAY FROM HIM, BUT I GOT A HEADACHE GOES FROM ME EYES TO ME ASS.

OH, YOU KNOW I LOVE SPINNER, TOMMY, BUT I OWE YOU PRETTY BIG. I'LL SEE WHAT I CAN DO.

BLESS YOU, DARLING. JUST GIVE HIM SOMETHING ELSE TO DO ON THE SHOW.

YOU KNOW, ANYTHING, JUST SO LONG AS IT DON'T CLANG, CHIME, OR HONK.

Spinner: HEY, YOU GOT SOMETHING GROWING ON YOUR PLATE! IT'S A FUNGUS!

Man: SAVE THE RHINO!

SAVE THE RHINO! SAVE THE RHINO!

SAVE THE RHINO! THE AFRICAN BLACK RHINO!

HERE YOU GO.

OH, GREAT. THANK YOU.

SAVE THE RHINO!

BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE, MAKE A DONATION.

SAVE THE RHINO. THANK YOU VERY MUCH, SIR.

SAVE THE RHINO--

AAH!

[GRUNTS]

I'M THE ONE WHO NEEDS TO BE SAVED, NOT THAT OTTOMAN WITH A HOOD ORNAMENT!

YES. OK. ME!

SAVE THE RAINBOW! SAVE THE RAINBOW!

YOUR CLIENT'S CAUSED ME TO VEER INTO A HAZARDOUS SITUATION.

A SITUATION MERV GREEN HOLDS ME PERSONALLY ACCOUNTABLE FOR.

ENOUGH SAID.

I'M IN A BIND, BURKE.

RHINO'S GOT ME IN A BOX WITH NO VENTILATION.

HEY, PAL, I FEEL FOR YOU.

WHAT AM I GONNA DO ABOUT IT?

I'D BRING YOU IN. ON EVERYTHING.

YOU'D BE MY PARTNER, SPLIT DOWN THE MIDDLE.

EVEN THE ICE SHOWS.

WE GOT A CHANCE HERE TO GET BACK ON TRACK.

WE GOTTA GET RID OF THE RHINO.

THE GOOD OLD DAYS.

PRE-RHINOCEROS.

LET ME NOODLE IT.

Merv: NO ONE FREEZES ME OUT OF AN ICE SHOW.

I DON'T CARE HOW MANY CLINICS HE'S TRYING TO SAVE.

Burke: WE GOTTA DEAL WITH THIS.

THE RHINO'S OUT OF CONTROL, MERV.

IF YOU'RE TRYING TO AGGRAVATE ME, YOU'RE DOING A HELL OF A JOB.

I'M NOT HERE TO AGGRAVATE, JUST EDUCATE.

YOUR PAL STOKES IS THE ONE WHO'S GONNA GET AN EDUCATION.

ON THE pH BALANCE OF THE EAST RIVER.

THIS ISN'T ABOUT STOKES, IT'S ABOUT MOPES.

THE RHINO'S BECOME A MENACE.

I THINK HE'S TALKING TO PEOPLE HE SHOULDN'T BE TALKING TO.

NOW, THAT'S AN UGLY STRING OF WORDS, ISN'T IT?

HE THINKS HE'S GONNA CLEAN UP THE WAY WE DO BUSINESS.

YOU KNOW THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY OUT OF THIS, PARTNER.

BOYS...

WE HAVE A SERIOUS PROBLEM.

[SLURPS]

Randolph: THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A VENOMOUS RHINO AND HIS AGGRESSIVE CAMPAIGN TO SLANDER, VILIFY, DEFAME, DENIGRATE, AND VILLAINIZE MY GOOD NAME!

BUT THE ONE THING HE CAN'T DO...IS TAKE AWAY MY LIFE.

ONLY I HAVE THE POWER TO DO THAT.

SMOOCHY DID THIS TO ME.

I CAN NO LONGER LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE THE INNOCENT SUFFER AND THE WICKED THRIVE!

[GASPS]

[CROWD GASPS AND MURMURS]

[GAS CAN FALLS]

I'M SORRY TO PUT YOU THROUGH THIS, MY FRIENDS.

DON'T TRY AND TALK ME OUT OF THIS.

AAH!

YOU WON'T SEE ANOTHER RAINBOW RANDOLPH IN THIS LIFETIME!

THIS IS FOR YOU, SMOOCHY!

YOU DID THIS TO ME!

[CROWD MURMURING PROTESTS]

NO!

WHAT YOU DOING, RAINBOW RANDOLPH?

I...

IT'S OK.

[SIGHS]

HEY, IT'S SMOOCHY! COME ON!

[CROWD SHOUTING]

COME ON, SWEETIE, IT'S SMOOCHY. LET'S GO.

[CROWD SCREAMING AND CALLING]

OH, MAN, THANK YOU.

I LOVE YOU!

OH, GOD!

WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?!

* HE SLAMS THE DOOR *

* HE STOMPS HIS FEET *

* SENDS ME TO BED WITH ZILCH TO EAT *

All: * BUT MY STEPDAD'S NOT MEAN *

* HE'S JUST ADJUSTING *

* HIS TEMPER'S BAD AND HE'S A SLOB *

* HE'S BITTER 'CAUSE HE LOST HIS JOB *

All: * BUT MY STEPDAD'S NOT MEAN *

* HE'S JUST ADJUSTING *

* SO 3 CHEERS FOR THE MAN *

* THAT I PROUDLY CALL STAN *

* HE'S NOT QUITE A DAD OR A BROTHER *

* YES, HE GETS CROSS *

* BUT STILL *

All: * HE'S THE BOSS *

* AND BESIDES, HE TAKES CARE OF MY MOTHER *

* SO, BE PATIENT WITH NEW FRIENDS LIKE STAN *

* IT'S TOUGH TO BE MOM'S SECOND MAN *

All: * BUT YOUR STEPDAD'S NOT MEAN *

* HE'S JUST ADJUSTING *

SO, REMEMBER KIDS, A STEPDAD IS A LOT LIKE A NEW PUPPY.

THEY NEED PATIENCE AND LOVE WHILE THEY ADJUST TO THEIR NEW SURROUNDINGS.

BUT REMEMBER, IF HE IS EVER ABUSIVE TO YOU OR MOMMY, WHAT ARE THE MAGIC NUMBERS?

All: 9-ONE-ONE!

THAT'S RIGHT!

NOW, I AM VERY EXCITED TO INTRODUCE A SURPRISE VISITOR TO JUNGLE LAND!

BOYS AND GIRLS, PLEASE HELP ME WELCOME, ALL THE WAY FROM THE LAYWOOD DOWNS RHINO PRESERVE, MY COUSIN, MOOCHY!

[CROWD CHEERING AND SCREAMING]

[GRUNTING]

COME ON DOWN HERE, MOOCH!

HEY...

YOU BIG DRINK OF WATER.

HOW ARE YOU?

GREAT.

GOSH. THANKS FOR COMING ALL THIS WAY, MOOCH.

SAY HELLO TO ALL THE BOYS AND GIRLS OUT THERE.

HEY, LOOK--

MOOCHY?

MY NAME IS MOOCHY.

YES, WE'VE ESTABLISHED THAT.

SHELDON, THIS COSTUME'S MAKING MY NUTS ITCH.

[CROWD GIGGLES]

[MUSIC STARTS]

HEY, THAT WAS SO MUCH FUN!

HEY, YEAH, MAN, DID YOU DO GREAT!

OH, AND THE ICE SHOW'S GONNA BE SO MUCH FUN!

AND I'M GONNA SKATE OUT IN A CIRCLE AND THEN I'LL FALL ON MY ASS!

AND THEN--HA HA! OH!

WOW. YOU'RE REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO THAT, AREN'T YOU?

OH, BOY, BEING BACK AT THE COLISEUM.

YOU KNOW, BACK IN THE ARENA.

AND WITH THE CROWDS, JUST CHEERING.

OH, IT'S GONNA BE LIKE--

IT'S GONNA BE LIKE HEAVEN.

HEH HEH.

IT'S GONNA BE GREAT, CHAMP.

OH, BOY.

HEY, SHELDON, UH, I LOVE YOU.

OH, I LOVE, TOO, BUDDY.

YEAH, I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU, YEAH!

HEY, UH, I'LL TELL YOU, UH, I'M GONNA GO TO THE LOCKER ROOM AND, UH, TAKE ALL MY HEADGEAR OFF.

AND YOU! YOU, UH, YOU, UH, YOU, UH, UH, OK, OK.

ALL RIGHT. THAT'S IT.

ALL RIGHT, NORA! HEY! HEY! HEY!

[LAUGHS]

WELL...

CHAMP'S REALLY EXCITED ABOUT THE ICE SHOW.

YEAH, WELL, I'VE BEEN READING SO MUCH ABOUT IT.

YEAH. WE'RE GETTING A LOT OF INK.

YEAH.

I MEAN, IT'S-- IT'S FANTASTIC.

OH, I THINK IT'S GREAT WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

OH, THANKS.

AND YOU WERE THE ONE THAT INSPIRED ME TO, YOU KNOW, USE MY JUICE TO PUT THAT TOGETHER.

I REALLY DO APPRECIATE THAT.

OH. GOOD.

THANKS.

I THOUGHT THE STEPFATHER SEGMENT WENT WELL TONIGHT.

OH, YEAH? YEAH. YEAH.

YEAH, I DON'T KNOW WHAT WAS GOING ON OUT THERE WITH THE--THE ENERGY WAS JUST REALLY, REALLY CLICKIN'.

YEAH.

YEAH.

YEAH.

MMM.

MMM. MMM.

OH.

YOU'RE NOT FULL OF SHIT LIKE ALL THE OTHERS, ARE YOU?

NO.

YOU'RE FOR REAL, RIGHT?

TOTALLY. OH!

OH! I MEAN, I COULDN'T TELL.

FIRST, I THOUGHT IT WAS AN ACT.

Spinner: * ALL AROUND THE MULBERRY BUSH *

AND THEN I JUST THOUGHT YOU WERE A--A--

A SIMP OR SOMETHING.

WELL, IT'S TOTALLY UNDERSTANDABLE.

* THE MONKEY CHASED THE WEASEL *

THERE WAS THE WHOLE NAZI THING.

OH, WELL, I-- I FORGIVE YOU FOR THAT.

OH...

NORA. SHELDON.

* THE MONKEY DA DA DA DA DA DA *

* POP GOES THE WEASEL *

HEY!

UH-OH.

HEY, WHAT ROUND IS IT?

[BELL RINGS]

[TIRES SCREECH]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[POLICE SIREN WAILING]

[INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER]

AND IN OTHER NEWS, FORMER HEAVYWEIGHT CONTENDER AND RESTAURATEUR LAWRENCE "SPINNER" DUNN WAS FOUND SHOT TO DEATH IN A RHINOCEROS OUTFIT EARLY THIS MORNING IN CHINATOWN.

HOW COULD YOU HIT THE WRONG RHINO?!

WHO KNEW SMOOCHY HAD A COUSIN MOOCHY?

THEY LOOK FUCKIN' IDENTICAL.

SMOOCHY IS FUCHSIA. MOOCHY IS BURGUNDY!

READ A PAPER! WHAT, DO I GOTTA TAKE YOU BACK TO KINDERGARTEN?!

ALL YOU SAID WAS "HIT THE RHINO."

YOU NEVER SPECIFIED A COLOR.

I'M NOT TAKING THE BLAME FOR THIS ONE.

OH, I'M NOT THROUGH WITH YOU YET, RHINO.

YOUR TIME WILL COME.

OH, HE WANTED TO BE IN THE ICE SHOW SO BAD.

STOP TORTURING YOURSELF.

I'M SORRY, SPINNER.

I'M SO SORRY.

Tommy: HE REALLY LOVED YOU, SHEL.

I KNOW.

THIS I GUARANTEE.

THAT FUCKIN' RANDOLPH HAS SEEN HIS LAST RAINBOW.

WE'RE GONNA FIND HIM, CUT OFF HIS BALLS, AND SHOVE 'EM UP HIS ASS.

WELL, MAYBE WE SHOULD LEAVE THAT FOR THE COPS, TOMMY.

COPS WON'T DO THE BALL THING.

IT'S AGAINST PROCEDURE.

DON'T FORGET. THIS HIT WAS MEANT FOR YOU, SHEL.

SO FROM NOW ON, EVERYWHERE YOU GO, WE GO.

IT'S ALL RIGHT. I'LL BE FINE.

FINE, NOTHIN'. AS CHRIST IS MY WITNESS, NO ONE IS TOUCHIN' A HAIR ON YOUR FUCKIN' HEAD.

SPINNER WOULD HAVE WANTED IT THAT WAY.

OH, POOR SPINNER.

ALL RIGHT, BOYS.

LET'S GO PRAY AND GET SHITFACED.

YEAH, YOU DO THAT. OK.

YOU HAVE ONE FOR ME, OK?

NOW, YOU TRY NOT TO HURT ANYONE, ROY.

WHAT WOULD JESUS DO?

WOW.

* WHAT GOOD IS SITTING ALONE IN YOUR ROOM? *

* COME HEAR THE MUSIC PLAY... *

McCall: HOW LONG DID YOU SAY RANDOLPH STAYED IN YOUR APARTMENT, MR. PIKE?

Angelo: JUST A COUPLE OF NIGHTS, OFFICER.

* COME TO THE CABARET *

Rhinette: SMOOCHY!

[HUMMING] SMOOCHY!

WHAT'S UP? TOMMY'S HERE.

WHAT?

TOMMY AND HER BOYS ARE HERE.

HEY.

ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT? THE COPS HAVE AN AWFUL LOT OF EVIDENCE AGAINST RANDOLPH.

WE DID OUR OWN INVESTIGATION.

COUSIN IAN FROM DOWN AT THE MORGUE.

OH...

YOU MET HIM AT THE WAKE.

Ian: SEE THE NECK? SNAPPED LIKE A TWIG.

ANIMALS. PARADE OF HOPE'S CALLING CARD.

WHEN THEY DO A GUY, THEY LIKE TO SIGN THE TAB.

WHAT'S THAT GUY'S NAME OVER THERE, GREEN?

MERV GREEN.

THIS IS ONE TAB THEY SHOULD HAVE LEFT BLANK.

I KNEW MERV GREEN WAS A FUCKIN' JIZZ BAG FROM THE DAY HE GRABBED MY ASS AT A FEED THE CHILDREN BENEFIT.

WELL, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHIN'.

MR. GREEN AND HIS FRIENDS ARE GONNA GET A FIRST-CLASS RIDE THROUGH THE CRIMINAL JUSTICE SYSTEM.

IT'S ALL TAKEN CARE OF, SHEL.

HOW DO YOU MEAN?

SOMETIMES IN THIS LIFE, A MAN'S GOTTA ANSWER FOR HIS INDISCRETIONS.

IT WAS A MISTAKE.

AN HONEST MISTAKE.

I WAS JUST TRYING TO HELP THE CHILDREN!

OH, YOU LIKE KIDS, HUH?

OH, YEAH. SURE, OF COURSE.

OH, I BET YOU KNOW SOME FAIRY TALES, THEN.

HEY, DANNY, TELL HIM THE ONE ABOUT THE WORTHLESS PRICK THAT GETS HIS HEAD CHOPPED OFF WITH AN AX.

NO.

NO!

NO!

[GASPING]

I DON'T THINK I FEEL SO GOOD ABOUT THIS ALL OF A SUDDEN, TOMMY.

THEN WE TOOK HIS HEAD AND PLAYED A LITTLE--

OK, THAT'S, UH-- THAT'S DEFINITELY, UH, MORE INFORMATION THAN I REALLY CARE TO HAVE AT THIS POINT, THANKS.

I'M HAVING SECOND THOUGHTS, BURKE.

I DON'T THINK I CAN DO THIS.

RELAX. IT'S ALL GOOD.

RELAX? THEY FOUND MERV GREEN'S HEAD ON THE GRAND CONCOURSE. PARDON MY CONCERN.

MORE FOR US. WE'LL TAKE THE WHOLE BALL OF WAX.

GETTIN' IN BED WITH BUGGY DING-DONG'S A MISTAKE. HE'S CRAZY!

JUST LEAVE BUGGY TO ME.

ONCE HE DOES THE JOB, THE RHINO'S DEAD.

WE LIGHT UP THE MACANUDOS!

RELAX!

WHERE IS OUR GUEST OF HONOR, ANYWAY?

YOU MEAN OUR SMACK ADDICT?

IT'LL BE FINE.

WE'RE RELYING ON A SMACK ADDICT.

TERRIFIC.

OOH.

HEY! I'M SORRY I'M LATE, MAN.

I FELL ASLEEP AT THE BUS STATION.

Stokes: LOOKIN' GOOD, BUGGY.

YEAH.

EXCUSE ME IF I SMELL LIKE PISS.

YOU KNOW HOW IT IS.

GOD HELP US.

YOU WANT A DRINK, BUGGY?

VODKA.

I DO THIS THING TONIGHT AND THE SPOT IS MINE, RIGHT?

WITH A BOW ON IT.

LOOK, THE THING IS, WE GOTTA PUT IT TO REST.

I MEAN, THE RHINO IS UP WAY PAST HIS BEDTIME.

BUGGY?

[SNORING]

BUGGY?

YEAH? BUGGY, BUGGY.

WE'RE IN, RIGHT? WE'RE SET?

YEAH, MAN. SURE.

WOW, LOOK AT ALL THE PRETTY LIGHTS.

EVERY COP IN NEW YORK IS LOOKING FOR YOU.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO STAY PUT FOR A WHILE.

I WANTED TO BE A PRIEST, ANGIE.

I KNOW, RANDY.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN ANGELS?

ANGELS?

I SAW ONE IN TIMES SQUARE.

THIS LITTLE ANGEL WITH CURLS.

SHE WAS THE ONLY ONE THAT CARED ABOUT ME.

SHE SAVED MY LIFE.

YOU DON'T WANT TO KILL YOURSELF, RANDY.

YOU KNOW THAT.

PERHAPS IT'S TIME TO HEAL...

ADMIT THAT SMOOCHY HAS WON, AND GRACEFULLY MARCH FORWARD.

NOW YOU'RE TALKIN', KID.

THIS IS A BIG STEP. I'M PROUD OF YOU.

DID YOU BRING LUNCH?

YEP.

CHICKEN AND STARS?

JUST LIKE YOU ASKED FOR.

OH, MAY I HAVE SOME, PLEASE?

FOR A SMILE.

THAT A BOY!

HERE.

I GOT YOU SOME CROSSWORD PUZZLES AND STUFF TO READ.

[SIGHS]

YOU OK, RANDY?

[LAUGHS]

FIRST, HE TAKES MY CAREER, THEN MY LIFE...

NOW, MY GIRL.

CALM DOWN, RANDY. SHE'S NOT YOUR GIRL ANYMORE.

THE BALLS ON THAT FUCHSIA FUCK!

I'M GONNA TEAR HIM APART PIECE BY PIECE!

PIECE BY PIECE!

YOU SAID IT'S TIME TO HEAL. NOW, STOP IT!

I'M GONNA TAKE HIM APART HOOF BY HOOF!

HORN BY HORN!

ONCE AND FOR ALL!

NOW AND FOREVER!

WHAT HAPPENED TO GRACEFULLY MARCHING FORWARD?

MOTHERFUCKER!

[HUMMING] Buggy: YEAH.

CAN I HELP YOU WITH SOMETHING?

I GOT NEWS, NORA.

BUGGY?

HOW YOU DOIN', APPLE CHEEKS?

LONG TIME NO SEE.

HEH HEH. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I GOT BUSINESS WITH STOKES.

OH, YEAH?

YEAH.

HE'S GONNA PUT ME BACK ON THE AIR.

HE'S GONNA GIVE ME A SHOT.

I'M GONNA TAKE THE RHINO'S PLACE.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, BUGGY?

BUGGY DING-DONG SHALL RISE AGAIN LIKE A MAGNIFICENT PHOENIX OR SOME OTHER TOWN IN ARIZONA.

[LAUGHING]

I'VE ALWAYS BEEN SMITTEN WITH YOU, BABY.

LET ME SHOW YOU MY BUGGY BUMPER.

HEY, BACK OFF, DRACULA!

KEEP IN TOUCH.

[LAUGHING]

KEEP IN TOUCH...

Nora: I'M TELLING YOU, STOKES CUT SOME KIND OF DEAL WITH BUGGY FOR THE SMOOCHY SLOT.

WAIT A MINUTE. BUGGY DING-DONG, THE HOST OF BUGGY'S BUMPY RAILROAD?

YEAH, UNTIL HE DISCOVERED THE JOYS OF TURKISH BLACK MULE HEROIN.

BUT THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.

WHY WOULD STOKES WANT TO REPLACE SMOOCHY WITH SOME SMACK ADDICT?

I DON'T KNOW.

MAN, SOMEBODY TOSS ME A BEACH TOWEL, 'CAUSE MY HEAD IS SWIMMIN'.

WHAT'S UP?! WHOA.

TWO FOR THE PRICE OF ONE.

HOW CONVENIENT. HOW SERENDIPITOUS.

YOU KNOW WHAT? GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!

RIGHT NOW, RANDOLPH.

OH, YOU EAT WITH THAT MOUTH?

YEAH.

OK, GUYS?

LET'S JUST ALL TAKE IT EASY.

BITE ME, BUDDHA.

I HAD HER FIRST.

WHAT?

THAT'S RIGHT, BABY.

YEAH. YOU SNATCHED HER AWAY, NOW YOU GOTS TO PAY.

CORK IT, ASSHOLE!

HEY, DOES SOMEBODY WANT TO EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT?

DIDN'T SHE TELL YOU OF THE LOVE WE ONCE HAD?

PASSIONATE, YET TENDER.

OLD-FASHIONED, YET EXPERIMENTAL.

RANDOLPH, YOU HAVE LOST YOUR MIND.

OH, ENLIGHTEN THE LAD, NORA.

YOU WERE SUCH A HOT LITTLE BROOD MARE.

DOES THE BRIDLE STILL FIT?

HEY, WATCH YOUR MOUTH, MISTER.

WHAT EXPERIMENTS? I'VE HAD FIRMER HANDSHAKES, YOU DRUNK.

PLEASE. IT'S SMALL, BUT IT'S FIERCE!

HOLD THE PHONE HERE.

WAIT...

ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS IS TRUE?

YOU AND HIM?

NO, YOU KNOW, YEAH.

WELL, HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?

[LAUGHING]

YOU'RE JUST ANOTHER ACTION FIGURE FOR HER COLLECTION.

SHUT UP, RANDY, BEFORE I JAW YOU AGAIN.

I GOT MR. BOOMY, MISSY!

WHY DON'T YOU TELL HIM ABOUT JINGLE JACKSON?

YOU DATED JINGLE JACKSON, TOO?

SHE USED TO LIKE TO PLAY WITH HIS BELLS.

OH.

WHAT ABOUT WALLY THE WHALE?

NORA, HOW COULD YOU DO IT WITH WALLY THE WHALE?

THAR SHE BLOWS.

I DON'T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DIDN'T TELL ME ABOUT THIS.

OH, LISTEN, SHELDON, I'M NOT PROUD OF IT.

BUT...

THERE WAS A TIME IN MY LIFE...

WHEN I WAS A BIT OF A KIDDY HOST GROUPIE.

OH, MY GOD. I FEEL DIZZY.

NO, THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH US.

YOU'RE DIFFERENT, SHELDON.

THAT WAS ANOTHER TIME. I WAS ANOTHER WOMAN THEN.

YOU'VE SHOWN ME A WORLD THAT...

I NEVER THOUGHT COULD EXIST.

REALLY?

YES.

OH!

WHAT THE FUCK AM I WATCHING HERE, YOUR LITTLE SOAP OPERA?

"YOU'RE DIFFERENT, SHELDON. I'M DIFFERENT, SHELDON."

SHUT UP! THIS IS MY SHOW!

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA OF THE POWER OF A CONDEMNED MAN? DO YOU?!

TAKE IT EASY, RANDOLPH.

I DON'T THINK YOU WANT TO HURT ANYONE HERE.

OH, GO BLOW YOURSELF, MARTHA.

LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO THIS PLACE.

IT'S ALL DIAN FOSSEY.

WHEN I LIVED HERE, IT WAS BOB FOSSE!

RIGHT THERE, I HAD A BIG PAINTING OF A NAKED CHICK HOLDING A LITTLE PLANT. VERY TASTEFUL, NO BUSH.

NOT A PICTURE OF YOUR FUCKIN' MOTHER!

LISTEN, RANDY, WE KNOW YOU DIDN'T KILL SPINNER, SO JUST COOL YOUR JETS.

OH, THANK YOU, MOTHER TERESA.

WHY DON'T YOU TELL THAT TO THE ANGRY MOB OUTSIDE?

THEY WANT MY FUCKIN' ASS!

I'M LIKE A GODDAMNED TOASTER AT MACY'S!

RANDOLPH'S ASS, AISLE 3.

LOOK, WE'LL GO TO THE POLICE FIRST THING TOMORROW MORNING.

I'LL EXPLAIN EVERYTHING, AND IT'LL ALL WORK OUT FINE.

JUST TRUST ME, RANDOLPH.

OH! HO HO! NO!

DO NOT START WITH YOUR MAGICIAN'S TRICKS, YOUNG MOSES.

I AM PHARAOH!

AND YOU ARE MY SLAVE.

AND THIS IS MY KINGDOM!

* RAINBOW RANDOLPH IS THE MAN *

* YES, OH, YES, HE IS *

* HE'S THE PRINCE OF RAINBOW LAND *

* YES, OH, YES, HE IS *

* WITH SOME FUN, FUN HERE *

* LAUGH, LAUGH THERE *

* HERE A DANCE, THERE A SONG *

* EVERYWHERE IS FUN, FUN *

* RAINBOW RANDOLPH IS THE KING... *

* LA LA LA LA *

[SOBBING]

WHAT?

GET THE GUN.

NO!

OW, YOU'RE HURTING ME!

THIS IS WHAT YOU WANTED, RAINBOW?

YOU WANT TO GO DOWN IN FLAMES?

THE FLAMES ARE TOO HOT. THEY'RE DRIVING ME MAD!

OH, GOD!

UNH!

[WHIMPERING]

GO AHEAD! KILL ME!

GO AHEAD!

FINISH IT OFF! I'M NOTHING!

PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY.

LOOK, YOU'RE NOT NOTHING, ALL RIGHT?

YOU'RE BITTER AND MISGUIDED AND I'M GUESSING YOU GOT SOME SERIOUS ISSUES WITH SEXUAL IDENTITY, BUT YOU ARE STILL RAINBOW RANDOLPH.

YOU KNOW, THAT'S WORTH SOMETHING.

YOU'VE MADE A LOT OF CHILDREN HAPPY.

WILL YOU BE MY FRIEND?

WELL...YEAH. SURE, SURE.

[SNIFFS]

[WHISPERING] I love you both.

YOU'RE LETTING THEM DRAG YOU DOWN TO THEIR LEVEL.

NO, I'M JUST WISING UP A LITTLE BIT.

SHE'S RIGHT, YOU KNOW.

DON'T MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE I DID.

KEEP YOUR DIGNITY INTACT.

AAH! MY BALLS!

THEY'RE ON FIRE!

LOOK, I APPRECIATE EVERYBODY'S CONCERN, BUT I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.

[WHISPERING] I tried.

OK, BUDDY, WE GOTTA GET DOWN TO THE ARENA FOR THE SHOW NOW, BUT YOU'RE WELCOME TO STAY HERE AS LONG AS YOU LIKE.

YOU'LL BE TOTALLY SAFE HERE, OK?

YOU'VE GOT A GOOD MAN THERE, NORA.

YOU JUST REST, RANDY.

HE'S THE REAL THING.

YOU'RE THE REAL THING, SCHMELDON.

THANKS, RANDY.

I'M A FRAUD.

I'M A WICKED MAN WHO'S DONE WICKED ACTS.

WELL, IT'S LIKE THE SONG SAYS...

WE ALL GOT OUR BAD DAYS.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

BUGGY.

ANGELO.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I THOUGHT YOU CLEANED UP!

YEAH, I CLEANED UP!

I CLEANED UP HALF THE POPPIES IN ASIA.

COME ON!

[GRUNTING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

ASHLEY!

OH, MOMMY, PRETZELS. CAN I GET ONE?

Mom: IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT.

WITH MUSTARD. EVERYTHING'S FREE.

HERE YOU GO, SIR.

SALT.

I'M SORRY, SIR.

OUR PRETZELS ARE SALT-FREE.

[GRUNTS]

[CHEERING]

I THINK WE SHOULD CALL IT OFF.

I CAN'T DO THAT, NORA. THERE'S A LOT OF KIDS AND A LOT OF JUNKIES OUT THERE RIGHT NOW WHO ARE COUNTIN' ON ME.

NOW, I GOT A JOB TO DO.

COME ON, KID, WISH ME LUCK.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Randolph: HELLO?

Angelo: RANDY, IS THAT YOU?

ANGIE, MY LITTLE TWINKIE.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA WEAR AT THE ICE SHOW?

I HOPE JUST A THONG.

LISTEN TO ME. BUGGY'S BEEN HERE.

BUGGY DOUBLE D's? THE DONG MAN?

YEAH. HE BROKE INTO MY PLACE, LIFTED MY BACKSTAGE PASS.

HE WAS BRAGGIN' ABOUT DOIN' A BIG JOB FOR BURKE BENNETT. GONNA GET HIS OLD SHOW BACK AFTER THE RHINO'S GONE. I TELL YOU, HE WAS JACKED UP HIGHER THAN A PROM DRESS IN JUNE.

OH, I GOT A BAD FEELING ABOUT THIS, ANGIE.

NO SHIT.

I HAVE TO GET DOWN TO THE ICE SHOW.

NO, NO, NO. THE PLACE IS CRAWLIN' WITH COPS.

THEY'LL JUMP ON YOU LIKE A TRAMPOLINE.

I DON'T CARE.

BURKE AND DING-DONG EQUALS TROUBLE.

I HAVE TO SAVE THE RHINO.

WAIT, WAIT. RANDY--

RANDY!

[GRUNTS]

Announcer: AND NOW, AMERICA'S FAVORITE RHINO.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BOYS AND GIRLS, HERE'S SMOOCHY!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Sheldon: THANK YOU.

NO, NO. THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

OH BEHALF OF MYSELF AND THE SOON TO BE RESTORED CONEY ISLAND METHADONE CLINIC, I WANT TO THANK YOU ALL FOR BEING HERE, REALLY.

YEAH. HIP, HIP, HOORAY.

HMM.

Sheldon: THANK YOU. NOW LISTEN, KIDS.

I KNOW YOU ALL CAME HERE EXCITED TO HEAR YOUR FAVORITE SMOOCHY SONGS, BUT WE'VE PREPARED SOMETHING A LITTLE BIT DIFFERENT FOR YOU.

SOMETHING VERY PERSONAL TO ME.

YOU KNOW, I'VE ALWAYS TOLD YOU HOW IMPORTANT IT IS TO BE HONEST ABOUT WHAT YOU'RE FEELING.

WELL, IF I CAME OUT HERE AND I DIDN'T SHARE WITH YOU WHAT I'VE BEEN FEELING, WHAT I'VE BEEN GOING THROUGH, WELL, THAT WOULDN'T MAKE ME A VERY HONEST RHINO, NOW WOULD IT?

SO, I'M GONNA GO ON A LITTLE JOURNEY HERE TODAY, AND I HOPE YOU'LL COME ALONG WITH ME.

YOU GOTTA HAVE YOUR TRUE FRIENDS BY YOUR SIDE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THIS IS FOR SPINNER.

[CLANG CLANG]

[CLANG]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[SINGING OPERA IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]


[CROWD GASPING]

OH...

HUH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[GRUNTING]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AAH!

Girl: DON'T LET THEM GET YOU, SMOOCHY!

[GROANING]

IT'S RAINBOW RANDOLPH! RAINBOW RANDOLPH!

NO, NO, NO. NO, NO, WAIT. NO, PLEASE. NO, I DON'T.

NO, I JUST LOOK LIKE HIM. NO, NO, PLEASE.

I'M TRYING TO SAVE A FRIEND FROM A DERANGED JUNKIE!

OK. OH, FOR THE KIDS, OK.

YES, FRIENDS COME IN ALL SIZES!

[SNORING]

HYAH!

WHOO, WHOO, WHOO, YEAH!

Crowd: OH...

[SINGING MADAME BUTTERFLY ]

[GROANS]


ANTHONY. THERE WE GO. ANTHONY. HELLO.

[SIGHS]

YEAH.

[CROWD GASPING]


All: BYE, MOOCHY!

BYE, MOOCHY...

EXCUSE ME!

All: BYE, MOOCHY!

SHELDON!

GOOD-BYE, SMOOCHY.

[CROWD SCREAMING]

OH, SHELDON!

SHELDON!

YOU SHOT SMOOCHY, YOU BASTARD!

GIVE ME THE GUN, YOU WHACKED-OUT PIECE OF SHIT!

I GOTTA KILL THE RHINO!

SHELDON! SHELDON!

NO! NO!

RANDOLPH, GET OFF OF ME!

NO!

SHELDON! SHELDON!

GIVE ME THAT GUN, BUGGY!

Nora: OH! OH, GOD!

SHELDON! IT'S BUGGY!

WHAT DO WE DO NOW?!

SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST, PAL.

IT'S BUGGY! IT'S BUGGY!

AAH, GOD!

[CROWD GASPS]

HEY, IT'S RANDOLPH!

LET GO OF ME, YOU FUCKIN' JUNKIE! AAH!

HELP!

AAH!

I NEVER SAW VENICE!

AAH!

Nora: OH, GOD!

OHH!

AAH! UHH!

OHH! OH!

YOU OK? I DON'T KNOW.

I'M KIND OF FUCKED UP IN GENERAL, SO IT'S HARD TO GAUGE.

AHH!

IT'S BURKE! HE SET YOU UP!

WHAT? HE TRIED TO KILL YOU!

OH, THERE HE IS!

HE'S GETTING AWAY! SHELDON!

BURKE!

NO!

SHELDON! BURKE!

BURKE, GET BACK HERE!

Woman: LOOK, IT'S SMOOCHY!

BURKE!

Man: HEY, IT'S SMOOCHY. THAT'S SMOOCHY.

Sheldon: STOP HIM!

Man: LOOK, HONEY, SMOOCHY!


OHH! UHH!

UHH!

OHH!

YOU PULL A GUN ON ME?

A GUN I GAVE YOU AS A GIFT?

WHERE'S YOUR ETIQUETTE?

LET ME TELL YOU A LITTLE SECRET ABOUT OWNING A GUN.

OH, YEAH? WHAT'S THAT?

YOU HAVE TO COCK IT.

DROP IT, SHITHEAD!

DON'T YOU MOVE!

SHELDON...

YOU OK? YEAH.

YOU...

TAKE IT EASY.

YOU WERE MY AGENT.

HOW COULD YOU SET ME UP LIKE THAT?!

IT WAS JUST CIRCUMSTANCES--

CIRCUMSTANCES?!

YOU KILLED SPINNER, BURKE!

IT WAS A TRAGIC MISTAKE.

I WISH I COULD TURN BACK TIME.

HE WAS MY FRIEND, YOU SON OF A BITCH!

SHELDON!

GET UP!

GET UP AND LOOK AT ME!

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO? SHOOT ME?

YEAH.

THAT'S NOT VERY SMOOCHY-LIKE BEHAVIOR.

I DON'T FEEL VERY SMOOCHY-LIKE RIGHT NOW, BURKE.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. WAIT, SHELDON--

I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING.

YOU JUST FUCKED WITH THE WRONG RHINO, PAL.

SHELDON, NO!

SHELDON, HALT!

DON'T DO IT, SHEL!

TOMMY, STAY OUT OF THIS. IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

Tommy: DON'T DESTROY WHO YOU ARE FOR THIS PIECE OF SHIT.

GIVE ME THE GUN, SHEL.

OH, MY GOD. WHAT AM I DOING?

COME ON, NOW.

THAT'S IT.

Sheldon: I'M SORRY, TOMMY.

I DON'T KNOW HOW I LET MYSELF GET PUSHED SO FAR.

YOU'RE ONLY HUMAN, DARLING. COME ON. LET'S GO AWAY.

THAT'S IT.

OH, GOD! AHH!

Sheldon: WHAT SHOULD WE DO ABOUT THESE GUYS?

DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT THEM.

WE'LL DEAL WITH THEM. OFF YOU GO.

YOU SURE? YOU'RE NOT GONNA DO ANYTHING TOO EXTREME, NOW, ARE YOU, TOMMY?

EVEN A RAT DESERVES A LITTLE MERCY NOW AND AGAIN.

OFF YOU GO.

ALL RIGHT. THANKS A LOT.

Stokes: MACANUDOS, MY ASS!

Burke: SHUT UP!

WE'RE IN DEEP SHIT.

DEEP SHIT.

[MEN GRUNTING]

YOU BOYS EVER TRAVEL TOGETHER BEFORE?

[SIREN]

IT'S A BEAUTIFUL CITY, BUT...

THERE'S A LOT OF GRIME ON IT, YOU KNOW?

AHH...WELL, YOU HELP GIVE IT A LITTLE MORE POLISH.

THINK?

THANKS.

LET'S GO HOME, SMOOCH. SHOW'S OVER.

NO, IT ISN'T.

IT'S JUST BEGINNING.

* YOUR LOVE *

Angelo: AND NOW, IT GIVES ME GREAT PLEASURE TO INTRODUCE TO YOU, HERE TOGETHER FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME, SIDE BY SIDE, SHOULDER TO SHOULDER, FRIENDS FOREVER, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BOYS AND GIRLS, PLEASE WELCOME SMOOCHY THE RHINO AND RAINBOW RANDOLPH!

* I'LL BE AT YOUR SIDE FOREVER MORE *

* YOU KNOW YOUR LOVE *

* YOUR LOVE KEEPS LIFTING ME *

* KEEPS ON LIFTING *

* HIGHER *

* HIGHER AND HIGHER *

* I SAID, YOUR LOVE *

* KEEP ON *

* LIFTIN' ME *

* HIGHER AND HIGHER *

* LISTEN, NOW, ONCE *

* I WAS DOWN HARD *

* DISAPPOINTMENT *

* WAS MY CLOSEST FRIEND *

* BUT THEN YOU CAME *

* AND HE SOON DEPARTED *

* AND YOU KNOW HE NEVER *

* SHOWED HIS FACE AGAIN *

* THAT'S WHY YOUR LOVE *

* YOUR LOVE KEEPS LIFTING ME *

* KEEPS ON LIFTING ME *

* HIGHER *

* HIGHER AND HIGHER *

* I SAID, YOUR LOVE *

* KEEPS ON *

* LIFTING HIGHER AND HIGHER *

* ALL RIGHT *

* AHH *

* WHOO OOH OOH OOH *

* I'M SO GLAD *

* I FINALLY FOUND YOU *

* YES, THAT ONE IN A MILLION GIRL *

* AND NOW WITH MY LOVIN' ARMS AROUND YOU, HONEY *

* I CAN STAND UP AND FACE THE WORLD *

* LET ME TELL YOU YOUR LOVE *

* YOUR LOVE KEEPS LIFTING ME *

* KEEPS ON LIFTING ME *

* HIGHER *

* HIGHER AND HIGHER *

* I SAID, YOUR LOVE *

* KEEPS ON *

* LIFTING ME HIGHER AND HIGHER *

* ALL RIGHT, NOW SOCK IT TO ME *

* ALL RIGHT, COME ON OVER, WOMAN *

* KEEP MY LOVE GOIN' *

* HIGHER AND HIGHER *

* AHH AHH AHH AHH *

Rainbow Randolph: * FRIENDS COME IN ALL SIZES *

* THAT'S A FACT, IT'S TRUE *

* ALL THE COLORS OF A RAINBOW *

* FROM MAUVE TO BLUE *

* THE NAMES ARE DIFFERENT, THE SHOES DON'T MATCH *

* SOME LIKE TO TOSS WHILE OTHERS TO CATCH *

* ONE MIGHT SAY GRASP WHILE THE OTHER SAYS SNATCH *

* BECAUSE *

* BECAUSE *

* BECAUSE *

* FRIENDS COME IN ALL SIZES *

* TAKE IT FROM ME *

* GOLLY, GEE, SIZE NEVER MATTERS *

* WHEN YOU WANT SOME FRIENDLY PATTER *

* FROM A PAL WHO IS TRUE *

* AND CAN LIFT YOU UP WHEN YOU'RE BLUE *

* YOU CAN COUNT ON HIM *

* HE CAN COUNT ON YOU *

* IT'S TRUE, IT'S TRUE *

* IT'S TRUE, IT'S TRUE *

* IT'S TRUE *

* FRIENDS COME IN ALL SIZES *

* FRIENDS COME IN ALL SIZES *

* FRIENDS COME IN ALL SIZES *

* YES, THEY DO *

* FRIENDS COME IN ALL SIZES *

* YES, YOU KNOW THAT THAT'S TRUE *


Smoochy: * WHERE CAN YOU GO WHEN THE SKIES TURN GRAY? *

* WHERE THE SUN ALWAYS SHINES *

* AND THE ANIMALS PLAY? *

* WHERE EVERY DAY IS A HAPPY DAY? *

* WELL, SMOOCHY'S HERE TO SHOW THE WAY *

* SMOOCHY'S MAGIC JUNGLE *

* IT'S A HAPPY, IT'S A HAPPY *

* HAPPY, HAPPY PLACE *

* HIP HIP HIP HOORAY! *

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.