Defendor (2009) Script




Are you thinking about the question?

Are you Japanese?


Mieko Tatsuri is Japanese.

Who is Mieko Tatsuri?

She's the leader of Blowback.

Her father is a ninja and her mother is an alien from the gamma sector.

Okay. Well, I'm Korean. From Earth.

Is that going to be on the test?

No. There's no test.

Well, I thought...

I thought I was being tested.

No. This is an evaluation, Arthur.

It's different than a test.

Can we get back to the question?

Okay. Why did you assault Mr. Debrofkowitz?

Debrofkowitz. Debrofkowitz. Debrofkowitz?

You smashed up his dry cleaning business.

Top secret.

Look out, termites. It's squishing time.

There's a couple of options here.

1, the cops in this town are incompetent.

2, they're underfunded, and that's a real possibility.

And 3, they're crooked.

How do you think this city got its nickname, "Hammertown"?

How about some fricking music?

Fuck you. I like this guy.

I'm sure you do. He's a dink.

Are you going to work for it or are you going to pay for it?

What's this?

It's like a present. You have to wrap it.

No, no. That's not going to work for me, honey.

Yeah, well, using nothing's not going to work for me. So...

Who the fuck do you think you're talking to?

What was that?

What was that? Wait. Hey, where you going?

Garbage days. Remember the garbage days.

Stop! You're hurting my arm.

Well, that's just an occupational hazard, honey.

Stop, Dooney! Chill the fuck out! Come on.

Come on. Let's just do this slow. We can make it last.

Yeah. That's what I want. Okay, relax!

That's what I want. Okay.

Do it slow. That's it. Make it last. That's it.

Hey, there's been a misunderstanding.

Step out of the car, please.

Hey, buddy, that's my line.

Chuck Dooney, Drug Squad.

Who the fuck are you supposed to be?

Your worst nightmare.

Go on. Make like a rocket. Take off.

You messed up.

I want Captain Industry.


Listen, fuckhead! I don't know who you talking about.

Wrong answer.

There you go, hon.

Just taking a break. Then I'm going to get back to work.

To all officers. White male, 6 feet tall, dressed in black tights with silver trim.

Wanted on a 245A.

There you go. Assaulting an officer with a deadly weapon.

Thank you. Apprehend with caution.

Hey, partner?

Cream and sugar, Mikey. Cream and sugar.

Get your fucking hands up right now! Put that coffee down...

Let's fucking go. Behind your head, come on! Let's go!

Is that the camera?

Yeah, which feeds into this VCR.

That business with Dooney.

Is he pressing charges?

No, no. He says he wants it done the old-fashioned way.

Course he does.

Stupid dumb cops. Dumb stupid cops.

Name? No, he stonewalled me.

Captain, this guy is pretty funny.

He says he wants to call a truce.

A vigilante? No. No, he's a superhero.

He calls himself Defendor.

And that's with an O-R, Captain. It's not an E-R. Defendor.

And he flips out if you get that wrong. It's very bizarre.

Commissioner, this is outrageous.

Yeah. Yeah, sure it is.

Why don't you calm down and have a seat?

My grandfather fought in the trenches in the Great War.

I remember him showing me one of these.

Was your grandfather an infantryman?

Yes, he was.

Probably passed on to his reward now, hasn't he?

It's 20...

26 years ago.

I wonder if your grandfather and my grandfather bumped into each other up there.

What did you say his name was?

Henry Poppington.

Wouldn't surprise me.

Pretty sturdy weapon you got here.

It has the blood of a thousand Germans on it.

Does it have the blood of an undercover policeman on it?

You strike one of my officers with this?


When you break the law, you're a punk.

When you break the law with a badge, you're a punk with a badge.

I don't strike officers.

Punks? Different story.

Well, you strike me as a man of great integrity.

Great men know each other by name.

Roger Fairbanks.

Arthur Poppington.

Sir, nice work in there. Very Columbo.

Yeah, run Arthur Poppington through the system, see what comes up.

Confiscate his trench club, give him back his marbles and the rest of this stuff, and send him on his way?

All right, so here's your marbles.

Stay out of trouble, all right?

Trouble has a way of following me. Where's my trench club?

No, forget about that.

Just run along and get some sleep, Defendor.

There are at least 8 ways to break out of this dump.

I'm taking the front door.

I think, for a large portion of your life, you've been misunderstood.

And now, at this stage, more people...

Okay. Okay, you sit. You sit down. Okay.

Okay. Do you remember what we were talking about?

Let me assure you, Arthur, that whatever you say here is for the judge's ears only. And mine, of course.

Totally classified?


Seriously, on my drive home, I go through these neighborhoods.

I see these girls out there. They can't be more than 16 years old.

Do you think I'm joking? I'm not.

What is this, Thailand?

Because if we're going to stand for this, hell, let's advertise.

"Come on down to the Hammer and have sex with our children."

At least that way we'll bring in the tourists.

All right, let's go to the tribal brain trust and see what's out there.

Line 3, go ahead.

You should be ashamed of yourself to suggest exploiting those poor girls. It's disgusting.

Lady, it's called sarcasm.

Hello? Hello? All right, she hung up.

Next caller, you're on the air.

Fucking guy! Come on, man! I'm just talking.

Get the fuck out of here!

Come on! I'm just messing with you, man!

Come here. I'm gonna kill you, Dooney!

You got to learn how to laugh a little bit, Cliff!

Lighten up! Hey. Hey.

Now, what are you doing with our wall over here?

Somebody call the police!

Police! Help, police!

We're sick and tired of having people like you deface our city walls!

Why don't you pick on someone your own size?

Boys, this is...

This is the retard that I was telling you about.

I thought they got you. Did they...

Why don't you let the kid go?

Who writes your dialog? Superman?

No. I write it myself.

You know what? You need a good ghost writer.

Somebody with talent.


You need a ghost writer.

'Cause that's what you're going to be after I pulverize you.

What? What's that?

A jar.

Duh. So, what is it supposed to do?

Very little.

Except contain a swarm of angry wasps.

Get the fucking retard!

Come on! Lights on, Dog! Lights!

Lights, Dog. Lights on, Dog. Lights on!

Lights! Lights on! I said lights on!

Who wants to go first? Okay then.

Why don't I go first?

My fucking elbow.

Fay! Come on, let's go!

Just give me a second. I want to say goodbye.

Hey, Arthur.

Hey, smelly.


Wake up. Wake up.

You gotta get up. Come on.

I'm going to go away for awhile. Make some cash.

Come on. You can do it. There you go. You can do it. You can do it.

Good job. Good job.

When are you coming back?

Soon, little man. Grandpa's going to take care of you.

Just a couple of months.

Okay. Okay. Come on. You're a big boy now.

Look out there. What do you see?

The moon.

Wherever I am, you just look at that moon.

'Cause we can always see the same moon.

Mommy? Mommy?

Sure. Whatever you're into. But I'm not running a charity here.

You need money.

You just keep looking at that moon, little man.

That's where I'll be at.

Let's go, baby.

Hey. Hey. You want me to be your mommy, right?

Come on. Let's go to your place. Come on. There you go. Okay.

What is this place?

It's a secret base.

You live here? Cool.

You know, you really messed with my situation the other day.

Messed with your... Who are you?



"Make like a rocket. Take off." Remember? That was me, Wordsworth.

You fucked everything up that night.

What are you doing?

This? It's a little bling-bling. You want to try?

It's like medicine. It'll make you feel really, really good. Here, look.

That stuff is bad.

Your momma tell you that?

She died. Her name was Fay.

Shit. Sorry.

Look, I got another way to make you feel good. You ready?

Ready for what?

What does the wind do?

The wind? The wind?

The wind, the wind, the wind, the wind, the wind, the wind, the wind...

It swishes everything around.


It swishes everything around. Okay.

You have to go.

Well, Meal Ticket's a little pissed off right now.

Soon as he calms down, I'm gone. Couple of days, all right?

Number one?

Shit, that's got to be worth something.

I tripped. You tripped?

Down some steps.

Bullshit. Who did this to you?

What'd they look like?

Arthur, don't fucking lie to me. How are your ribs?

It only hurts when I breathe.

Jesus! Give me this.

Come on. We're going to the hospital.

Arthur, we're going to the hospital. Let's go.

How many guys?

10 or 12.

Jesus, Arthur. Did you provoke them?

You know what "provoke" means? Yes.

You lost a tooth, pal. You got to do some provoking to lose a tooth.

Trying to save someone. How is he?

Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack.

Hey, Arthur. How are you? You hungry?

We brought some dinner. Meatloaf.

Meatloaf! Who did this, Paul?

I don't know. He says 10 or 12 guys.

He was trying to save somebody.

Arthur Poppington?

It's okay. Take it on in with you. He won't mind.

What does this teach us, Jack?

Next time have a gun.

Hey. Don't be a wise ass. But...

No, it teaches us that fighting never solves anything.


Sometimes a good knock in the teeth isn't such a bad... Paul!

But, Mom, is it okay to fight if you're trying to save someone?

The Mayor's all over me, Roger.

We're going to have a problem with these bikers?

No. No. No. I got a man deep inside.

Yeah, I got a wire tap before the judge as we speak.

You need money, resources, just say the word.

And I appreciate your support, Chief, but I can't let anybody, even in the department, know about this.

Sit down and shut your fucking face.

Shoot. I... I got to call you back there, Chief.

Hey, Captain.

Dooney, Dooney, golly.

What the hell? Are you all right?

Did you just say "golly"?

I did, yeah.

Hey, listen, there's a rumor out there about some sting operation on the bikers.

You hear anything about that?

No. No. Well, where did you hear about this?

I don't know. People talk, you know.

I didn't think much about it, but thought I'd ask.

Since it's my turf, right?


Anyway, I'm going to process this shithead and cut out early?

It's my weekend with the girls.

Good, good. Family's important.

Hey, you be careful out there.

What's that stand for?




My God.

Jesus. How do you spell that?

I know how to spell it!

Relax, guy.

I can't relax. Not when there are people out there that need me.

Who needs you? Who needs you?

I asked you first.

I'm looking for someone.

Yeah, who?

Captain Industry.

Who's that? Evil mastermind.

He smuggles drugs.

I probably know him, then. Radovan?


Yeah. He's a real fucker, man.


No. No, I don't think so. I don't think that's Captain Industry.

No? Okay then. 'Cause this guy's pretty evil.

Well, do you think he might be Captain Industry?

Do I think he's Captain...

Do I think Radovan Kristic is Captain Industry?

Yeah. I think he is. For sure.

Radovan... Kristic.

Kristic. Kristic. Radovan Kristic.

Radovan Kristic. Radovan Kristic.

He's an evil mastermind. He's killed, like, a bunch of people.

And you know him?

Been to his house, man.

He's bringing girls in from Moldova now.

Sex slaves, drugs, guns. He's into all of that shit.

Show me. Excuse me? He is Serbian militia.

He's got these 2 huge-assed dudes around him all the time.

You'd never get within a mile of him.

I can handle 2 big-assed dudes.

You can?

You mean like last time when I peeled you off the pavement, you mean?

No. Do you think those guys work for Captain Industry?

Well, if Radovan Kristic is Captain Industry, yes, because everybody works for him.

He's in with the bikers now.

How do you know all that?

I was his favorite girl for, like, 5 minutes.

What are you doing?

I'm going to get him. Forget it. I'm not helping you.

Listen, young lady.

Don't "young lady" me, buddy.

I'm not telling you shit. You're a joke.

I'm not a joke!

Captain Industry, where does he live?

Well, that kind of information doesn't just grow on trees.

This information, this cost you $40 a day?

Well, she knew a lot of stuff. It was important information.

You think that's too expensive?

Because on The Rockford Files, it always cost Rockford for information.

Did I get that wrong?

No. There's no right or wrong here.

Well, if there's no right or wrong here, how come I have to stay here?

Where would you rather be?

Out there. Fighting crime.

What the fuck is this?

Angel. My God!

You scared the shit out of me!

What are you doing?

What? What's the problem? I'm not... My name isn't even Angel.

Here. You can have your comic back, too.

First issue. You think it's worth something? You're wrong.

Some geek offered me 4 bucks for it.

Apparently Strontium 90 and the Hellbound Gang sucks balls.

You shouldn't take other people's stuff.

Really? Thanks for the tip.

Should I suck your cock now?

You must be tired. Goodnight.

What's your real name?



Katerina Debrofkowitz.

Kat. Kat. Kat. Katerina Debrofkowitz.

Katerina Debrofkowitz.

Well, why do you lie?

I'm good at it.

What else are you good at?

Get guys off pretty good.

What else?

I used to get A's in English.

English? Like a writer?

Mrs. Shaw thought I was pretty good. But that was like, you know, 4 years ago.

You should be a writer like Lois Lane.

Yeah, Lois Lane. That's me.

So, well, did you lie about other stuff,

like being Captain Industry's girlfriend and knowing where he lives?

Sort of.

It's all up a hill, like a mountain, and then it starts smelling like shit.

Which I think is the stables, 'cause you hear airplanes.

I was blindfolded.

He lives way out there somewhere.

It's okay. It's okay.

That's it. I'll wait for you out here.

What do I do? Whatever he wants.

He's the nice man that paid for you to come out here, so...

Come on, be a good girl.

It's going to be over before you know it, okay?

Come on. Hey. Hey. Don't cry.

Hey, do you want some of this?

It'll give you some courage.

Okay. You'll be all right.


You want to know where Captain Industry lives? Ask Dooney.

Remember him?

Well, you better, 'cause he's going to remember you, buddy.

Where is he?

Well, he's usually at the clubhouse, especially since the wife grew some grapes and kicked him out.


It's in the 'hood. I'll show you.

Grapes. Grew grapes. Grew green grapes.

Come on, little friend. Get in there.

Arthur, they're going to sting you.

They're sleepy.

"Sleepy" means "pissed off".

God, I can't watch.

I'm not kidding around.

I'm serious.

You're going to jail.


Who's there?

Shit. We meet again.

Yeah, here we go. "We meet again."

Hey, listen. I think I can... I think I can help you.

I'm listening.

That's good. You're listening, that's good.

Listen, you got a beef with me. Fine.

But you know what else you got? A fucking death wish!

Where's Captain Industry?

Fuck, man. Not this again, man.

What's that? Lime... It's lime juice.

Come on! Please, God, not the lime juice!

Fuck! Fuck!

Shit! I don't know anything about this guy, this Captain Industry.

Just listen, this Captain Industry doesn't exist.

You know what? You're sick, man. You need help.

You know that?

There's no Captain Industry. There's no Captain anybody!

What... Somewhere near the airplanes.

Somewhere near the smell of poo. I need an address.

Hey, retard.

Look at me.

You're a dead man.

Come on.

Not that! Stop! God!

Fuck! I want an address!

Okay! Okay! Fuck!

Extra large...

double cheese, double cheese and with Italian sausage.

Arthur, you really got something here.

I saw him, Kat. Captain Industry.

And he's really fat.

Yeah, that's him. Crime of the century. Ordering pizza.

Come on. Let's clean you up.

Stop moving.

Why do you smoke bling?

Such a nice person.

I don't know how nice I am.

Nice to me.

Well, you're paying me, right?

You don't have to be nice.

Don't put all this shit on me, all right? I'm not who you think I am.

Who are you, then?

I'm just a girl trying to make some money.

Money helps you forget about stuff.

Forget what?

Stop with the questions, all right?

Well, why do you smoke that stuff?

Why do you dress up like a superhero?

'Cause superheroes aren't stupid.

They're not afraid.

And when I'm Defendor, I'm not Arthur any more.

I'm a million times better than Arthur.

Well, when I smoke that stuff, I'm not afraid or stupid.

I'm not me, either. It's the same.

Yeah, but you should want to be you because you're really pretty.

I could help you.

I don't need anybody's help.

Everybody needs help.

Even superheroes.

Good. Even superheroes.

Hold your face still.

Don't move.

Last week a teenage kid gets caught with a gun in his locker.

He was 15 years old.

Where did he get it? What was he going to do with it?

It turns out, he's running crack.

And surprise, surprise, the kid's in cahoots with the bikers.

Please, somebody, anybody, if you think you've got a good idea on how to stop this anarchy, call me.

I want to hear from you. Caller, go ahead. You're on the air.

Yeah, you keep talking about the problems with the drugs and the guns...

Yes? Your point, sir?

If you'd stop talking about it...

Then what? The problem goes away?

Now I can't see my kid next week because my car has got a flat tire.

Is that right?

Whores in the back.

Come on, let's go.

The cargo's left Odessa. It'll arrive in 3 weeks.

The guns and the girls.

Sometimes some of the girls, they don't survive.

It's sad.

But the guns? No problem. The guns are always happy.

North, south, east, and west.

Everything will be ours.


But first, we must throw out the trash.

This is the most important thing.

Go! Go!


You go that way, and I'll go this way.


The guy's a fucking Houdini. Man.

Guys, the retard is unbelievable. It's crazy.

Is this the same retard who messed you up?

Yeah. That's right. 'Cause he's the only one who's stupid enough.

You're a man, yes?

Hold on. Hold on. Yeah...

Please. Kill this fly.


Have mercy. How did you get in here?

There'll be time for questions later. Right now, I need your help.

Arthur Poppington.

Use my other name, okay? It works better that way.

Just call me Defendor. I have tapes.

This one, they ordered pizza.

This night, they ordered fried chicken.

This one, Chinese food.

This one is from the clubhouse, and they just swear a lot.

And then, I recorded this one.

North, south, east, and west.

Everything will be ours. Easy.

There. There. That's Dooney there.

What are you talking about? That could be anybody.

And you can't just go around videotaping people, okay?

It's got to be corroborated.

Colob... Corroborated.

Corroborated. Verified. Proven. It's got to be proved.

Maybe if you got a better angle or something.

A better angle.

Look, now you're meddling in police business.

You're going to have to follow me.

You know, do you like finger painting?

'Cause finger painting's an activity that...

Where the hell were you? I was worried sick.

Gross. You stink again, Arthur.

Sorry. We need more tapes, Kat.

Captain Industry was there, and Dooney and everyone.

Can we get more tapes, Kat?

All right, I heard you the first time.

I'm going. You have any money?

1, 2... 3, 4.

Yeah, I know. Thank you.

Who the fuck are you?

Fuck you!


Paul. What are you doing here?

What am I... What the fuck are you doing here?

And what about that girl? The girl.

The little floozy who just left here.

A girl just left here?

Never mind. Are you living here?

I... I don't have anywhere else to live, Paul.

What about the rooming house?

Um, I got into a fight.

Again? Jesus Christ.

That's why I didn't want to say.

You know, it's just when you make these decisions without telling me.

You know, you could have stayed at our house.

At least until we find you something decent.

I don't want to stay at your house, Paul.

Well, you can't just take up in a workshop.

I mean, I can get in some serious shit if someone finds out about this.

And the hooker? I mean, fucking hell, Arthur.

You have a potty mouth, Paul!

You know, I am so close to choking you!

She's not a hooker! She's a friend! Jeez!

You're an adult. You make your own decisions, right?

You coming back to work soon?



Here. I want you to have this.

I'll get myself a new one.

That right there is the home number, okay?

You press that button, I'm on your doorstep.

You know, if anything comes up, or anything happens here, you call me, okay?

And don't worry about the minutes or whatever.

I got that family package thing.

Okay. All right, guy.


Okay, buddy.

He sounds like a good friend.

Why do you think that is?

I don't know.

I have a theory.

Theory of gravity. Apple fell and bumped him on the head.

Yes, but this is a different theory.

It's a theory of why everyone is so fond of you.

No. People tease me a lot.

Especially since Henry died.

That must have been very painful.

Children can be very cruel sometimes.

Adults are the worst.

You're probably right about that.

But do you want to hear my theory?

You're honest.

I lie sometimes.

Yes, but mostly you're kind and you care for people.

You're a good person.

Which is why I don't understand, why did you assault Mr. Debrofkowitz?

I was really mad.

We need to get more tapes.

Yes, I know. There's places up here. Security's lax.

Kat, what's the matter?

Who is it?

My father.

I didn't know you had a father.

Everyone has a father, Arthur.

I don't. Yes, you do.

You just never met him, all right? Okay?


Kat, what about the VHS tapes?

Okay. I heard you for the umpteenth, gazillionth time, Arthur.

Here you go, Champ. 90 minutes extend-o-play.


What's with the face? You have any idea how hard it is to find VHS these days?

Look, this whole box cost me 3 bucks.

Look, you take some tape, you tape over the thing.

Look, record right over that shit, you're good to go.

I thought you said you stopped.

Did I? I thought you said that.

Listen, we've got to talk about our little arrangement here.

I have a check.

No money, no honey, right?

Well, you spend all of my money on drugs.

Yeah, and...?

Well, you should spend it on a typewriter, like Lois Lane.

Well, guess what? I'm not Lois Lane, and you're not fucking Superman.

So go jack off to some other fantasy, all right?

I'm trying to help you.

Go fuck yourself!

Shit! Go fuck yourself, hero boy!

Donkey. D-O-N-K-Y.

I should warn you. I'm in a really, really bad mood.

Wait, wait, wait!

You're in way over your head. Now stay down.

I said stay down!

Here. Hold this.

Be a man!

What was that?

Guns are for cowards.

Hold this, too.

Arthur? Give me your best shot before my backup arrives. Arthur, can you hear me?

Where are you? Arthur?

Arthur! Arthur!

Arthur? Arthur!

Where's Arthur?

Hey! Where is he?

What? Where is he?

Is he okay? Where is Arthur?

Listen, girl, I don't know who you are, but if you have any idea where he is, you better tell me right now.

Um... He went to make a movie.

A what?

A movie.

You're gonna show me. Right now.

Let's go. All right!


Were you scared, Arthur?

Scared? No.

You could have died.

Sometimes when I get really hurt, I go to a nice place.

Can you explain that?

In my mind, I go to a nice place. Like a memory.

And I stay there until I feel better again.

Well, you like them?

What's that one say?


Joe, dummy, G.I. Joe!

It's time you learned to read.

What were you thinking?

I'm his friend, all right? Yeah, I got it.

You know what? I really fucking doubt that.

If he... Hey, look at me.

If he survives this, I want you to stay the hell away from him.

You got it?

He's going to be okay.

He was shot several times with a training bullet.

Like a small paint ball. Now, he's got some nasty welts there.

He's a mess across the board, but he's going to pull through just fine.


You keep getting shit-kicked.

You got to not do that.

What kind of superhero gets beat up all the time?

Remember when you asked me what I'm good at?

I think I'm good at running away.

So I'm going to leave you alone now.

This whole Captain Industry thing, it's too big for us.

We should leave it for the cops.

I mean, there are lots of pervs out there. Trust me.

You want to get your ya-yas out, go after my dad.

He macks on kids, you know.

He macked on me.

Just get better.

Yeah? We got a problem.

Retard's alive, and your man's a cop.

Yeah, I understand. I'll take... I'll take care of it.

You take care of the rest, all right?

All right.

Hey. Give me your MP-5. Your gun. Yeah. That's it.

Knock-knock. Police. Anybody there?

Simulated ammunition. Police issue?

Hi, there. There's been some complaints from the neighbors.

Here. The fly's room number.

Finish him.

Finish him!

He was a bad man.

Yes, but...

He wanted to be punished.

His... His eyes told me.

I was helping him to feel bad, so that he could feel bad about what he did to Kat.

He knew he was garbage. He wanted to go in there.

I... I barely did anything.

You don't... You don't think you've done anything wrong?

No, I do.

Captain Industry should be behind bars, but now I'm here.

Arthur, why is it so important that you capture Captain Industry?

He killed my mother.

When will I see Mommy again?

You won't. How many times do I have to say it?

Could you hold that still, please, or I'll bash you.



The drugs did her in.

I hate the drugs. I hate the people who do the drugs.

Hate the pushers, kid. They're the bad guys.

Who are the pushers?

The scum whose freedom I fought for.

Captains of Industry.

Captain Industry gave her drugs and they killed her.

As long as he is free, other mothers are in danger.

Your Honor, Mr. Poppington is refusing representation.


He won't say, Your Honor. It's a... It's a secret.

Do you intend to represent yourself, Mr. Poppington of no fixed address?

He deserved it.

That sounds like an admission of guilt, Counselor.

I do think, Your Honor, that there is a question of intellectual capacity here.

You stuck Mr. Debrofkowitz into a garbage can.

Inventive. Do you know why you're here, Mr. Poppington?

He wanted to go...

Speak into the mike, please.


He wanted to go in there. He... He...

He wanted to go in the garbage can.

Your Honor, I've known this man for 5 years.

He worked for me. He's a good worker, sir.

He's just... He's a little slow.

He's not quite all there upstairs.

And, sir, what is your name?

Paul. Paul Carter.

"Not quite all there upstairs." Is this a clinical diagnosis?

No, sir. You're not a psychiatrist?

No. I'm a foreman for the city's Public Works Department.

Local 873. I'm his friend.

Well, imagine if we all had friends like you.

God, he thinks he's a superhero!

That's why he's all beat up like that.

He dresses up in tights and he calls himself Defendor, with a big "D" on his chest and a cape.

No. Capes are for flying. I don't... I don't fly.


Mr. Poppington, you are remanded until you have undergone a full psychological evaluation.

Do you understand what that means?

No, he doesn't.

I'd like to follow this one, counselors, if there are no objections.

Yeah, I have no problem with that, Your Honor.


Mr. Carter. Hi. I'm Dominique Ball with The Spectator.

Look, I was really touched by your testimony in there, and I was wondering if you have anything to add.

Maybe help me flesh out the story.

No. I've already done enough. Sorry.

No, Mr. Carter, listen. This could really help sway public opinion in Arthur's favor.

Damn idiot!

I'm sorry, is it lunch, guys?

Let's go. Get to work.

The question is, this guy, this lunatic, is he good for the Hammer?

You know what I say? If we're gonna live in a frontier town, maybe it's time for a desperado who's a little out there.

All right. The switchboard's lighting up, so let's go to the phones.

First caller, you're on the air.

I love this guy. Finally someone is stepping up and actually doing something.

Okay. So you're with me. You like the guy. Next caller.

Defendor, yea or nay?

Yea. Totally. He's got to be a little bit stupid to do what he's doing, you know what I'm saying?

But I love him, I absolutely love him.

All right, Arthur. Anything else you'd like to add?

2+2, 4+4, 6+6.

Anything else you think I should put in my report?


Thank you for being honest and forthright with me.

You're welcome.


Doctor? When I put Kat's dad into the garbage.

Was that wrong?

There are probably better ways to deal with people like that.

So it was wrong?

I'm not sure, Arthur.

FAS, ADD, depression, delusional megalomania, unable to anticipate consequences, serious lack of common sense, socially immature.

Sounds like me.

I can't put him on the street, Ellen.


Judge, Arthur has been ostracized his entire life.

This... This persona, this Defendor character, is a way of escaping that.

He can be a perfectly functioning member of society.

He needs guidance. An 18-month sting completely scuttled.

Captain's whole investigation lost.

Find a way, Judge. He won't survive inside.

Find a way to keep him out of jail.

Arthur, would you take a seat, please?

Now, Arthur, this judgment has been accepted by all parties and Mr. Carter, who has very thoughtfully agreed to be your guarantor and custodian.

And from this day forth, you will live with Mr. Carter and his family.

More importantly, you are to cease and desist all acts of vigilantism.

And you are forbidden to don the guise of the Defendor, his likeness...

No! No!

No! Arthur, come on.

Come on. No, no, no!

Mr. Carter, I have serious reservations about this!

Your Honor, please, just give me a second with him.

Arthur? Listen to me.

Where do I get one of those shock machines?

Arthur, it's over.

Defendor's over. You can't be Defendor any more.

But I didn't do anything.

Some guys got hurt. People, they think it's your fault.

If you don't come home with me, you're going to go to prison.

You want that?

Come home with me. Okay? Just come home.

Up against the wall. I said up against the fucking wall!

Don't make me tell you again! Empty your pockets!

Everything out of your pockets. Come on.

What have you got here, honey?

Nothing! Come on.

All right, go, go. Go! Watch, don't step on the shit!


Well, well.

So where have you been?


I want to come back.

Now why should I take you back?

After what your friend did to me.

He's not my friend. I never even met the guy.

He's not your friend? You read the papers, don't you?

Not your friend. He stuffed your daddy in a garbage can.

Where is he? How much does he know?

I don't know.

I still don't know.

Get in.

Just like old times.

We could always take him out.

No. No. Let's not paint a big, flashing neon bull's-eye on us.

We have to be on our best behavior.

Then, when the container comes in, then we will swat the fly and he will be dead.

1 week. Dooney's right. What if he talks?

Heads up, superhero. A little present for you.

You don't say anything any more, Arthur. Is that because you're sad?

Are you sad because you're living here now?

Is it because you can't be a Defendor any more?

Are you ever going to speak again?

Jack, honey, come on in and get ready for bed.

Well, if you change your mind, you can at least talk to me, okay?

It's raining out, Arthur. Why don't you come in and get dry?

It's a poncho.

I want you to sleep indoors tonight.

And I'm not asking you, Arthur. I'm telling you.

Do you remember when you saved Jack's life?

I'll never forget what you did that day.

You were just a regular guy doing something remarkable.

You don't need a costume.

Ordinary people, they do extraordinary things all the time.

You're always going to be that hero, Arthur, just by being yourself.

Keep back, Jose, or I'll kick your ass!

What's my name? Glad you asked. Defendor, greaseball.



I'm Defendor.

It's just for a few more days, and then you'll be back to work.

And it'll be business as usual, okay?

Joy. I can't wait.

You hungry?


Not hungry?

I'll just put it up here.

All right.

Let's make love then.

Okay. Untie me.

I kind of... I kind of like you being tied up like a little pig.

It pays to be nice sometimes. Can I just fix my hair, please?

Make myself pretty.

Okay, I like that. Why not?

Okay. You're a pretty pig.


Nothing wrong with a little romance.

Oink, oink, motherfucker.

Arthur! My God!

I was coming to rescue you.

I shot him, Arthur! I shot Dooney in the balls!

Good girl.

How did you know?

"Container in 3 weeks." That's what he said.

Half-moon, then no moon, plus one more half-moon, then full moon.

Full moon equals 3 weeks.

What the fuck are you... What are you doing?

I'm going to capture Captain Industry.

Arthur, excuse me. They have guns.

Guns don't hurt me.

Really? So... So, what, I could just shoot you right now and nothing happens?

I lied, Arthur.

Radovan Kristic is not Captain Industry.

Not even close. I just said that because I thought you had a snowball's chance in hell of doing anything about it.

Because I wanted revenge, like you.

It was convenient for both of us. That's it.

It's time for justice.

I just shot that fagot cop, Arthur!

You don't think I can do it?

Bullets don't hurt me. Go ahead.

Squeeze the trigger. They bounce off.

They just bounce off. Go ahead.

Here. You have 5 shots. 5 shots, okay?

No, I don't like guns...

Arthur, shut up! Take it! Take it!

I don't like... I'm not letting you leave unless you take it.

What are you doing, son?

Right now, a shipment of guns and girls is arriving.

Captain Industry will be there. And maybe Sergeant Dooney.

Although he got shot in the balls, so maybe not.

I'm going to get them, with or without you.

Damn it!

You know what I'm going to do right now?

I'm going to get you a muffin and a cup of coffee. Would you like that?

Why don't you just hold your horses right there?

Hey, can I get a muffin and a cup of coffee, pronto, please?

Mike, I need you and your partner to meet me in the parking lot 5 minutes ago.

We got to check something out.

All right, and, Mike, just between us.

Do you follow? Got it.

Hey, Defendor, I think...

God, what have I done?

En garde, gentlemen.

Release swarm. Swarm, Dog. Swarm.


Fuck! Fuck!


Come on, Bob! Get up! Bob, get up!

At last, the fly.

Guns are for...

You killed my mother.

Her name was Fay.


Well, God forgives me.

Goodbye, fly. Go in peace now.

What was the last name?


Trench club.

This is Captain Fairbanks of the HPD. Put down your weapons.

Guns are for cowards.

I know. I know they are.

Don't do drugs.

I'm not going to. I promise. I promise I'm not going to.

And get a job.

I will.

I'll get a real job. And you're not going to die, you know.

You're just... You're going to be fine.


Yeah, and be Lois Lane. I know.

I'm going to try really, really hard.

I love you, Kat.

I love you, too.


What? What are you saying?

I'll see you on the moon.

Okay. I'll see you on the moon.

Fuck... No...

First caller, you're on the air.

Finally, someone comes along and says winning is possible.

Right. And we don't have to be afraid.

Right. Exactly. And what, this guy had an IQ of like 80 or something, right?

We're having a special service for Defendor at our church...

...take on those bikers and...

It's classic. It's Defendor vs. Goliath...

One word, thank you. he didn't have a bullet-proof vest.

If he had a vest, he totally wouldn't have died.

It's always nice to hear from our younger listeners.

Next caller. Go ahead.

What does it say about us when we're relying on individuals who really should be admitted?

I'm not taking anything away from what Defendor did, but I wouldn't be surprised... Did he have any next of kin?

Line 5. What's on your mind?

I'm sort of at a loss for words, but I think he's a real hero.