Delivery Man (2013) Script

In many ways, they'll miss the good old days Someday, someday Yeah, it hurts to say But I want you to stay Sometimes, sometimes Oh, my ex says I'm lacking in depth I will do my best You say you wanna stay by my side Darlin', your head's not right See, alone we stand Together we fall apart Yeah, I think I'll be all right Hey, David. Hey, Joey.

Your brother's looking for you.

Hey. Hey, David.

Where the hell were you?

Did you take the truck home again? Yeah.

Pop asked you not to use the meat truck for personal purposes.

Hi, Mom. But you did it anyway?

Uh-huh.

Do you have the jerseys for tonight? Yes.

No, no, no, seriously. Do you have the jerseys for tonight?

Yes. Yes, sweetheart, yes. Aleksy, hang up.

Yeah, sweetheart.

I should never have gotten this woman pregnant.

Do not procreate, David.

Reproduction is a very bad idea. Do not reproduce, ever.

Hey, I'm sorry.

To pay back some money that I owe, I've built a little hydroponic greenhouse in my apartment.

You're... You're growing pot?

And you're the only person I know with a green thumb.

And you want me to grow pot? Yeah.

Right. Absolutely.

That is the one thing missing for me right now to achieve total happiness.

Getting into a drug ring.

Because the pressure of my wife calling me every three minutes because she's about to give birth to my first child isn't intense enough.

How much do you owe?

Eighty. "Eighty"?

Eighty thousand. Eighty thousand?

When you say it with that face, it does make it seem like a lot.

How do you get yourself into these situations, David?

$80,000?

What happened? How do you owe someone $80,000?

I borrowed money to invest in Newtech.

That is a pyramid scheme. It is not a pyramid scheme.

The guy was arrested! Those charges were unrelated!

He was arrested! David.

You know, David, I love you like a son.

I am your son.

Which is why I love you like a son.

But if you don't have our new jerseys for tonight's game...

I have the jerseys.

You gotta have the jerseys. It's the team picture.

I have the jerseys.

He won't have the jerseys.

Come on, come on.

Your loan has been denied.

But if I don't get the $80,000, there's people that are gonna come and drown me.

Can you please put that down on your little form, that there's people that are gonna come drown me?

You do not have the necessary collateral.

That is why we're not gonna give you any money.

Basically, then, you're just a big goddamn pawn shop.

No, we're not a pawn shop.

You're a pawn shop with fancy furniture.

And for all these reasons, I have to turn down your application.

I'm very sorry.

All right. I understand.

This is a hold-up.

Excuse me?

I said, "All right. I understand."

This is a hold-up, asshole.

Excuse me, you just said something. No.

Just then, you said something. No.

I'm here. I'm David Wozniak. I'm here to pick up my jerseys.

I've been waiting for you. I know! I know!

I'm so sorry, but my team photo is tonight.

The whole team has to have their jerseys, it's for the whole year.

All right already! Thank you so much.

I really do appreciate it.

Yes!

A bag? No.

Rolling papers?

I grow tomatoes.

Hey! it's a delivery truck! I'm making a delivery.

You're kidding me, right?

Yes. I swear I have the jerseys, on our mother's...

Yes! On our mother's grave.

The jerseys are with me in the truck as we speak.

Hey! Come on, stop! Hey! Hey!

You got my jerseys!


I know it's late. Yes, it is.

But you brought me such beautiful flowers.

I did.

And Mr. Bernstein takes such great care of them.

Where have you been, David?

Emma, I'm sorry.

I was trying to pay back some money that I owe.

I understand, but why can't you call or text?

And why can't I come to your apartment anymore?

I never said you couldn't come to my place.

Are you hiding something? Nothing.

You're sure you're not hiding anything in your apartment.

Nope.

I'm pregnant.

That's great.

Yeah.

Emma... No.

You know what? I can...

I can do this on my own.

What do you mean, "on your own"?

I want a child, okay?

But I don't want a father who just disappears because he gets too busy.

You're unreliable.

I mean, you've got... You've got money problems.

You basically don't have a life. This is not a life.

I have a life. You don't have a life.

People who have a life do not ring pregnant women's doorbells at 3:00 in the morning.

I didn't know you were pregnant.

David, you would know.

If you just called me every once in a while.

I guess...

I guess at first, for a second there, I was in shock.

I mean, you know, it was a shock.

But then, you know, the...

That feeling of fear went away, and I got this feeling that this could be the most beautiful thing that ever happened to me.

Stevie, no. Hey, Stevie, no!

Hey, it's 3:00 in the morning. Go back to bed. Go back to bed.

Back to bed. Not in the sandbox.

Hey, where are you going? No, don't go in the sandbox.

Not in the sandbox!

You gotta talk Emma into getting an abortion.

What? You have to.

How could you say such a thing?

How can you say stuff like that in front of your children?

My children know that they're too old to be aborted.

I'm realizing that I might want a kid.

You are a free man. You do not want kids.

Kids are a black hole.

They will suck up all of your energy, your money, your time, your hair.

Remember when I had great hair?

I can't get it up anymore.

How can you talk like this in front of your children?

I can say anything I want in front of my children because they don't listen to me.

My children do not pick up on the frequencies of my voice.

And I'm telling you, I have a problem achieving a full erection now.

It's not normal for a man of my age to no longer have a nice, big erection.

Hey, what are you doing? Listen to me, go back to bed.

Not in the sandbox.

Don't get in the sand. Don't go in the sand!

As your friend... Daddy?

No. No, no, no. Hey.

Dad. Back to bed, honey.

Daddy.

I'm trying to have a conversation. Please stop that.

Daddy! Okay, stop that now.

I'm telling you, I think I might want a kid.

As your friend and as your lawyer, David, may I be brutally frank with you?

Sure.

You don't have the skills to bring up a child.

I need order in my life.

And this is order?

I think this is beautiful.

Daddy!


David Wozniak.

Uh, the back door was already broken into.

My name is Mark Williams. I'm an attorney.

I've been trying to contact you for several days now, Mr. Wozniak.

I do not have a great deal of time.

I shall be brief.

Between 1991 and 1994, you donated sperm under the pseudonym "Starbuck" at the privately-owned Graboski-Levitt Clinic, which I represent.

No.

That was not a question, it was a statement.

We have all the documents necessary to prove it.

Over the course of 33 months, you were a very, very frequent donor.

You donated 693 times in exchange for which you received the sum of $24,255.

Your sperm is of a very high quality.

Oh, thank you.

I'm sure your sperm is also high-end.

Uh...

Certain complications arose, which meant that for a period, Mr. Graboski-Levitt gave your sperm to all the women in his clientele.

You have sired 533 children and 142 of them wish to know your identity.

What?

You are the biological father of 533 children.

At the time of each of your multiple donations, you signed a confidentiality agreement.

Legally, the Graboski-Levitt Clinic is obligated to protect your identity.

But a subset of your children is contesting the legality of those documents.

They wish to know who Starbuck is.

You say that for each of the 693 sperm donations you signed a confidentiality agreement under the pseudonym of "Starbuck"?

Every time. Always.

I always signed the confidentially agreement, always.

And you signed those documents before or after executing the manual labor?

Before.

And you always wrestled the dragon alone?

Yes.

Frankly, I'm disappointed you never told me about any of this.

Usually you call up your friends after you get laid, not after you wrestle the dragon alone.

But if you absolutely insist, I promise you I will phone you every single time I fly solo.

That's an interesting offer. Unfortunately, way too time-consuming.

Listen, they claim that your right to privacy should take a back seat to their basic human right to know who their biological father is.

It's very complex. Very, very complex.

It's...

It's really complex.

Do you know that this is the dream of every lawyer to argue a case this significant?

A case that will leave its mark? That will stand as a precedent?

My mother always said that I would never amount to anything.

I'll show that old bitch. What do we do now?

As your lawyer, I suggest you cease masturbating in fertility clinics.

Do I have to get a real lawyer? You can't afford a real lawyer.

I'm gonna call the Bar Association today, reactivate my license.

You don't have a license?

I lost it because of a small formality.

Something about a missing dated form and a bribe. It's nothing.

Oh! Yes, in hopes of persuading Starbuck to meet with them, 142 of the children in your lawsuit want you to know who they are.

This envelope contains the profiles of 142 of your children.

Do not open it!


Brett.

Hey, Starbuck.

Don't call me that. Can Susan take the kids?

When she's not investing all her energy in her new career, she prefers to wisely use her time sleeping with men I don't like.

Do you have a babysitter?

Why, you need someone to watch over that envelope?

I know I shouldn't have, but I've opened it.

Worst idea ever.

I picked out one of the profiles. I just picked one.

One. Do you know whose profile I picked?

Andrew Johansson.

We got to go.


What do you got?

$225 $200,

There he is.

Let's go, baby. Take it. Take it.

Come on, 13! Let's go, 13! Come on, Johansson.

13 is wide open! Let's go!

Yeah!

Andrew Johansson with the three.

Play defense, play defense, play defense!

Play defense, play defense! Yes! Do you see him? Do you see him?

He stopped it, he blocked it. He got right in the lane.

Did you see him get in the lane? Did you see 13 get in the lane?

We got 13, guys.

Why don't they put him in? Why don't they put him in?

The game's almost over.

Why are they not... They put him in!

Andrew Johansson.

Thirteen seconds.

Okay, set up. He's open, he's open, he's open.

Hit him, hit him, hit him!

Pass it to 13! Pass it to 13!

Why won't they give it to 13? Give it to him!

He's open! Catch it. Got it, got it, got it!

Andrew! Andrew! Andrew!

Andrew! Andrew!

Those were my genes.

My genes were on a professional basketball court tonight!

In a way, you could say that that was an extension of myself that hit that game-winning shot!

I mean, do your kids play professional basketball?

No, not to my knowledge. But I will inquire.

They don't tell me everything.

So, I've been thinking that we could plead insanity.

What? I don't know.

Maybe you would not be held responsible for actions taken while mentally unstable.

We could bank on your mental problems.

I don't have mental problems.

I don't have mental problems!

When we're in court, I want you to say it exactly that way.

One, two, three, Wozniak!

Let's go.

Come on! One, two. One, two. One two.

Big time, big time, big time!

Let's play some basketball.

Come in. Back up, back up!

Hurry up! Come up, up, up!

Are you allowed to hit the arm? No.

Okay. Pick and roll!

Let's go! Back, back, back! D, D, D!

Great steal! Here we go, hit me!

I'm going in for the jam. Okay, not a jam.

What the hell position is he playing?

A little help? Thank you.

All right. Why don't we meet up back here at two?

Emma!

Uh...

Give me a second?

I have officially decided to have a life.

I'm at work.

I'm going to convince you that I deserve to be this kid's father.

I'm sorry, excuse me.

Four days in a row, I have not had any sleep.

But I've never been so happy in my life.

I never thought that I would love anyone that much.

The kid poops four times a day and I think I'm losing my mind.

I think I'm going crazy, because I swear his diapers make me so proud.

I'm totally convinced that my child takes way better dumps than any other kid.

Your brother wants parental leave so he can spend more time admiring his son's diapers.

It's the law, okay? I'm entitled to parental leave.

I had three kids, and two hours after each of them was born, I was here, serving customers.

You absolutely have to have kids, David.

What?

My girlfriends pregnant.

You got a girlfriend?

Yeah.

David, you're gonna love it. You are gonna love it.

Your kid is never gonna poop as good as my kid, but you are gonna love it.

Can you believe that? No.

I promise, I will only be gone an hour.

No, I won't. Look, I've called everyone.

How many times have I covered for you?

Oh, my God, man.

I'm begging you, man.

I really, really need you to do this for me.

I can't even talk to you.

Yeah?

Can I help you?

I'll have a espresso to go, please.

I said "to go."

Is there a lid?

Do you have a lid?

Usually, you get a lid when you order a coffee to go.

$3.25.

You could be a bit more polite.

Polite?

I'm a customer.

You're a barista.

Would it be possible to act in a polite manner?

What the hell are you talking about?

I'm talking about a little "please" and "thank you."

A little thank you. Oh, I'm sorry.

Is that not considered cool by your generation anymore?

Who the hell are you, man?

I'm just saying if you smiled a little more, maybe there would be more people in here.

If you want to be a waiter...

Well, there's the thing. I don't want to be a waiter.

I'm an actor.

I am an actor missing the opportunity of a lifetime right now.

And you, because you give me three bucks and a quarter, you want me to smile?

You want me to smile when I am totally pissing away my life?

It doesn't have to be a big smile.

Okay.

Have a nice day.


Good afternoon.

I'll take care of the coffee shop.

Yes or no?

Customers come in sometimes.

It isn't always empty. I can't leave you with the shop.

But it's the role of a lifetime.

Yeah, and how do I know you won't just walk off with the cash?

You can leave with my truck full of meat.

And why would you do this?

Satisfaction of knowing that you helped someone make something of themself.

Bring it back without a scratch.

Okay. People might come in.

I can figure out how to make a cup of coffee.

All right. Okay.

Thanks.

It is total chaos in the meat market today, David.

And you decide to disappear?

In the whole family business, you know you've got the easiest job, right?

And in spite of having the simplest job, you manage to do the job badly!

It's like every day you find a new way to push back the frontiers of incompetence!

There are only two components to your chosen occupation.

Get meat, deliver meat.

That's not what I ordered.

It's free.

Take it, it's free.

You're no longer a "deliverer." You're more of a "keeper."

Why is our truck still full of meat? Why?

Why have you only taken our meat out for a drive?

Yeah? I'll have...

Tell me who you are before I call the cops.

I'm the waiter.

I'm the owner.

I do the hiring here.

Josh got called in for the audition of a lifetime.

Fine. He can look for another job, then.

Sir, it was the audition of a lifetime.

That's not the problem.

What's the problem?

He's not a good actor. He has never been cast.

Never.

He's a good kid, but he's wasting his life.

He's fired.

Look, this whole thing was my idea.

So, I guess it's your fault if he can't pay his rent.


I lost my job?

You lost your job.

I got the part.

You got the part?

Yeah, they loved me.

You got the part?

As of today, I'm an actor.

Congratulations, man! Thanks.

Thanks, man. Thanks.

Wow!


I knew it! I knew you were gonna bail on me.

How the hell am I supposed to pay the rent?

Okay, wait. No, no, wait! Wait!

The cash is on the table. I'm four dollars short.

Peter, you owe me money.

No, you owe me money!

Okay, so then, what are you gonna do about it?

You told me June.

Tell me, what am I supposed to do now, huh?

Tell me! What am I supposed to do now?

Miss, don't worry about the money.

You, uh, won your pizza.

Yeah, you won the contest.

You won our, uh...

You won our "Eat and Win" contest.

I don't know what you want, but this is not a good time.

I'm not doing too well right now, so can you leave my apartment?

Yes.

Yes, absolutely.

I'm about to call the police!

No. No need for that at all.

It's only that I can see that you're not doing very well, and we have a policy that's very, very, very strict in the condition in which we can leave our customers.

Here at...

At Rocco's Pizzeria, we believe in a more humane pizza.

So, is everything okay?

Miss?

Shit!

Okay, okay, you're okay, you're okay. You're okay, you're okay, you're okay.

Miss. Miss!

Kristen? Miss!

Let go of me!

Kristen! Kristen!

Excuse me, and who are you?

Are you ashamed to say you're my father?

No.

May I have a word with you?

Yes.

The good news is that for the moment, we just happen to have a spot open in our rehab program.

The bad news is that your daughter seems totally uninterested in the program.

Since she is still a minor, it's your decision.

I'm not... It's a very good program.

We've gotten great results.

I'll talk to her.

Hi.

How are you?

Please sign the release.

Look, I don't know who you are, but...

I'm begging you, sign the papers.

They have a great program here. I can stop on my own.

I mean, I just had the scare of my life!

Please sign the papers. I think the program is...

No, if I do the program then I'm gonna be surrounded

24 hours a day by addicts.

And I guarantee, I will relapse.

People don't stop using in these programs.

They stop when they wanna stop.

They will help you. They'll lock me up.

And I'll lose my job. I just...

I just got this great job and I have nothing in my life besides this job.

I'll talk to the... Thank you.

I'm going to sign the release.

Worst decision that you'll ever make.

She says she'll be happy.

Right now she doesn't need to be happy.

She needs to stop using.

And she will.

Do you love your daughter?

I do.

Tell her. Go tell her that you love her.

And tell her that you will not sign that release.

Where do you work?

Bloomingdale's.

You're okay for tonight? Yes.

And you got my number. Yeah.

Great. You start work tomorrow at... 8:00.

Okay. And you'll be there at 8:00? 8:00.

Okay.

Well...

In my life, I have a tendency to make very, very, very bad decisions.

Tell me that I haven't just made another wrong decision.

You haven't.

Thanks.


Oh, man.


Yes.

Yes!

Thank you, thank you. Yes!

Whoo!

Wonderful

Glorious The sum of all your experiences A living breathing result of the fight And every night you spent shrouded in darkness Has led you to this moment in the light It's all right Wonderful

Glorious I've never even tried that.

When you do it, it's different than regular Pilates?

That is why notable notorious Americans, such as Roger Morris, George Washington, Eliza Jumel and Aaron Burr...

I'm a writer, too. I like to write.

Oh, that's awesome. Yeah, yeah.

You hold me still. Taxi!

All right.

Yeah.

Grab my hand.

Just watch me dance. Okay.

Here, just take it.

Wow! Okay, thanks!

How about hitting this guy up?

Yeah! Do you feel that?

...have all called the Morris-Jumel Mansion "home."

Nice! Thank you.

Exciting. Thank you.

It's all right.

No, no. Okay.

Okay, okay!

My love is beautiful It's here for the taking It's strong and pure and utterly earth-shaking My love has brought me here to show you it's true A wretch like me You'll make it through

Hey, come on, buddy, what are you doing? You never see a girl before?

Wow.

Honestly, really? Just keep walking.

That's what I'm talking about. Hey, Shorty!

Hello, Ice Queen!

Hey, Ice Queen, I need a hand over here.

Hey, I need a hand right here!

Oh!

Did you say "Ice Queen"?

Did you actually say "Ice Queen"? Yeah.

Don't say that!

Don't say stuff like that!

All right.

...all called the Roger Morris-Jumel Mansion "home."

Oh! Yeah! Yeah! Was that unbelievable? Unbelievable!

Don't forget the money, guys.

And everything became clear.

I had kind of an epiphany.

I cannot be the father of 533 children.

It's not possible.

It is impossible to be the father of 533 children.

It is impossible to be the father of four children.

Right! Exactly. It's impossible.

But I can be their guardian angel.

Their guardian angel?

They need me. They need a guardian angel.

They need someone to look out for them.

And I fathered them, so it's my responsibility.

So, you're telling me that your purpose on Earth is to look out for, like a superhero, 533 children.

I didn't say "superhero."

Out of curiosity, when you're looking out for these children, will you be wearing any kind of cape?

I didn't say "superhero? I said "guardian angel."

So, no cape, but you will have wings and play the harp.

I'm starting to feel more and more comfortable with this insanity plea.

I do not have mental problems.

Say it exactly like that to the judge.

Thanks.

Hey, there.

So, today is the first ultrasound.

David, look, I need... I need a friend.

I'm a friend. I want that to be clear.

It's clear.

Okay, well, let's get going.

I drank a gallon of water and I'm not allowed lo pee before the ultrasound.

So, is that the leg there? That is.

Which one? Which one's the leg?

The white spot that you see.

And is that the head up high? That is the head up high.

Okay. And we're gonna see the arm.

That's amazing. Isn't it?

So, now all the organs are okay?

Yep. Perfect.

I just passed by the baby's head. And there's the belly.

My God, do you see the belly?

And there's the whole baby.

That's incredible.

David, I'm not sure.

Not sure of what?

Look at them. They're monsters.

I mean, look at that one. Look at him.

Emma.

This is the most absolute beautiful thing that can happen to anyone.

Who are you? The Dalai Lama?

What do you mean, "the most beautiful thing"?

And look at that one. He's eating his own booger.

It's a great source of protein.

Listen.

You are going to be a good mother.

So, herds what.

Since I absolutely do not trust you at all...

What I'm gonna do is, I'm gonna declare you the father.

Yes! No, David, wait.

I'm gonna declare you the father on probation.

"Father on probation"? Yeah. You get no slack.

For how long?

Forever.

Will our child have to call me "Daddy On Probation"?

No.

Will I have to wear a uniform that will separate me from the regular daddies?

No. Then, I accept.

We're having a kid. We're having a kid!

Yes.

Your name?

Earl Monroe. And you are?

A friend.

He's over there.

Great.

Thank you.

You're not going to visit with him?

No. I...

I just wanted to stop by and see him, and...

Well, now I have, so... He would really enjoy it.

Yeah, but...

Don't worry, just say whatever comes to mind.

Hey, Ryan.


One, two, three.

Earl Monroe.

You did good.

I said nothing the whole time.

I couldn't get a word out.

You were there. You did really good.

Okay.

Great.

In Athabasca, we set a fire To the world we left far behind All the faces, we put away Lost lives float into space I got a message, I got a sign Through the wires swinging in time It's so simple, it's like the sun Shines down on everyone Black bird, from the blue I give my love to get used Our hopes come true Sabrina!

Hi. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

You are late. I know, I'm sorry.

Thank you very much.

Excuse me.

Sorry.

Excuse me.

Look, if we really want to find out who Starbuck is, we need these guys to help us put together the strategy to make sure that this thing doesn't turn into a circus.

We don't have the money. We can do it on our own.

The objective wouldn't be to always have them there.

I think if we just take the time to check out what they've proposed...

I simply wanted to express the fact that I feel we were better off without them.


Yes, gentleman in the blue.

Do you have a comment?

I just want to say that...

I don't know all of you here.

But...

But you're all focused, a lot, on finding Starbuck.

But, whatever happens, you're all brothers and sisters.

You've all found one another.

Hey! Hey!

Hi. Hi.

What are you doing here?

I'm... Yeah... You know, I'm...

I'm the father.

I'm the adoptive father. I'm Ryan's adoptive father.

Ryan? He's not here tonight.

He's at a home for the disabled.

He's disabled, and he just couldn't make it.

Hey! Hey.

Kristen. This is...

Taylor. Yeah. Taylor saved my life.

He saved my life at the pool. He's a lifeguard.

And I'm the adoptive father of Ryan, and he couldn't be here, because he's handicapped.

You're the father of one of the children?

Adoptive. Oh, wow.

How's it going? Hey, hey, hey, Josh!

Yeah.

Josh, this is Taylor, and this is Kristen.

How's it going?

Josh worked at a coffee shop, and he is now an actor.

Josh, this is Taylor.

Taylor is a lifeguard. He saved my life a few months ago.

And this is Kristen. Orders pizza. She is also an ex-drug addict.

And I'm the adoptive father of a young disabled man who couldn't be here.

And his name is Ryan.

Hey, you're the guy from the park.

Hey. How are you?

Great.

Josh, Kristen and Taylor.

Hey. How are you?

What's up? Adam.

Kristen has got a great job, and she's still...

Yep, I'm still working at Bloomingdale's.

So the job, which is great. Everyone's doing great.

And I'm the adoptive father of a disabled...

Young disabled man.

Ryan, who was obviously...

Unfortunately, was in conflict with some of the disabled days of doing the activities and stuff that we're involved in.

So, I got the stuff for him. I gotta run out of here.

But everyone looks good.

Good to see you. Great. Great to see you.

Taxi!

As of tonight, you are officially part of a mass action lawsuit against yourself.

What the hell are you doing here?

A bit of reconnaissance work. What the hell are you doing here?

I was following one of my kids...

But why are you doing this? Who does things like that?

I don't know, I was curious.

Stop! Stop what?

Stop everything for the rest of your life.

Every time you have an idea, I want you to come to me, and as your friend, I will shoot your idea down.

You're not a normal person, David.

I am a normal person.

David, we've known each other for 20 years.

I can tell you for a fact, you are not normal.

I'm very normal.

Really?

What about Mariouka? I don't see the point...

Five years ago, you married a Russian woman that you had never met.

She needed to get into the country, and she promised to clean my apartment for a year.

And she disappeared after three days with her real husband.

David, how much money did you lose importing Cuban cigars?

That guy looked very honest.

He was in his bathing suit!

Since when does anybody do business with a man in his bathing suit?

Listen, for the first time in my life, I think I'm doing the right thing.

You're not doing the right thing.

Stop seeing your kids!


Where's our money?

I'll get it! I said I'll get it.

It's now $ 100,000.

So, I really need you to lend me some cash.

Tony. It's David. Yeah...

Hello?

Phil! Buddy, how are you?

Rob!

Nelson!

All right, don't worry, man. I understand.

No, no. I'll catch you soon.


Hello, David Wozniak.

All the profiles.

And I saw on your overdue bills that your name is David Wozniak.

I was sitting behind you at the hotel.

My name is Viggo.

I'm your biological son.

Are you gonna expose me?

I don't know.

I don't even really know why I ever wanted to meet you.

Who are you?

What do you do for a living?

I work at a meat store.

I'm a vegetarian.

So, you murder animals.

No. I deliver the meat.

I don't murder it.

I chauffeur it around.

Leo Tolstoy says that, "If a man earnestly seeks a righteous life, "his first act of abstinence is from animal food."

I did not know that.

Sir Thomas More said, "The Utopians feel that slaughtering our fellow creatures

"gradually destroys the sense of compassion

"which is the finest sentiment of which our human nature is capable."

That's interesting.

Can we keep this our secret?

Can I stay here a few days?

I need to get to know you.

It has only been two weeks, and he has become unbearable.

Again this morning, he called me three times.

That's three times this morning. He's taking up all of my time.

Do whatever he wants. We can't let him expose you.

Long conversations.

Long, like police interrogations. He feels the need to bond.

Do whatever he wants, or he will expose you.

He wants to point out books that are so dense and so esoteric that it's impossible to make heads or tails of it.

And then he'll twist it and ask if I agree with it, and then, he'll use it to prove that somehow I'm full of shit.

I'm not having conversations with him, Brett.

I'm in a chess game that I don't realize that I'm in.

And it's exhausting. It's draining.

No.

Answer it. No!

You have to answer it. Anything he wants.

- Hey, I got you a kale salad. You got me a what?

Kale salad.

I'm kidding.

I got you a triple monster burger.

Yes, please.

Hey, should you be painting like this?

Because I can do this.

I can do the painting. I'm happy to do it.

Thank you for being here.

I'm glad I'm here.

But I'm excited to do the painting. Yeah?

From now on, let me do the painting.

All right. Okay.

I got you some French fries.

You got French fries, too? Yes.

And there might be something else in there.

Really?

A little treat?

You got me two burgers!

So, I'm trying to cancel tomorrow night with Emma and I think I can get off a bit early, so we can do whatever.

Whatever you want. Tomorrow night will be Viggo's choice.

All right, I'm off.

Good game, David.

Everything okay?

Yeah.

You want to play?

Yeah!

All right. Come on, get your stuff. Let's go.

We gotta hurry. Careful, careful, careful.

Do you have any sweatpants, or anything?

No.

You don't want to wear that stuff. It's not a nightclub, Viggo.

Do you have any shorts for me?

I don't think my shorts are gonna fit you.

Like this.

What?

Up there.

Dribble, dribble, dribble.

Oh' my...

You just gotta dribble. You gotta dribble.

So, you just... You just dribble.

Dribble, dribble! You gotta dribble! You gotta...

Why doesn't he dribble?

David, you absolutely have to be there next Saturday.

Everybody's gonna be there.

Actually, I have plans next Saturday with Emma.

But you were the one who came up with this whole concept of brothers and sisters finding one another.

Yeah, I understand, but I already have plans with Emma.

Anyway, I spend a heck of a lot of time with you.

You know, I also have a real family.

Family.

You said "real family."

No. You... You...

Just because you decided to turn the page on that period of your life doesn't mean we don't exist.

We exist. We exist for real. We're also your real family.

Viggo.

Viggo!

All I'm saying is, I hope that you're happy.

I hope you realize that I had to lie to Emma to be here.

That I lied to the woman carrying my child.

Your "real" child.

Viggo, we have talked about the incident a lot.

I don't think we need to continue to dwell on our little misunderstanding.

I am here. Do you see that I'm here?

Do you see that I am here?

With your fake kids. Fake?

Fake? Viggo, what the hell are you talking about?

I mean, if we're not real, what are we?

Nietzsche said... Screw Nietzsch-ka!

Screw Kindergarten!

"Kierkegaard?

I think it's this way.

Screw Nietzsche! Screw Kierkegaard!

And screw... The...

You can't even come up with one more. That's it, you're done at two.

Look, screw all of those dudes. None of those guys had 533 real kids.

Did you bring me here to expose me?

No.

I want to keep you all to myself.

I know it's coming I can feel it in my bones All right!

This is information you already know Even if it's only temporarily Give the illusion tonight You belong to me Oh, the things I will believe Ignore the hundred lovers You got hidden up your sleeve The words come easily And they sound so lovely You all right?

I guess it's just as easy if you lie to me Put these next to the grill, here. Next to the grill.

Special recipe.

It's a secret family recipe, but you'll like this.

Wow!

Do you see what happens when the tofu hits the grill?

Nothing.

Exactly what happens when the tofu hits our taste buds.

I am alone I am in love with an idea Sophisticated neurological appeals I want to negotiate some kind of a deal I want to tear it open Show you that it's real Oh, the things I will believe Ignore the hundred lovers You got hidden up your sleeve Okay. Get in nice and tight.

All right, we got one more. Get in close.

All right. Can I get in?

All right.

Okay, everybody, just scooch in. Get as close as you can.

Okay, on the left. Can you move in just a little?

All right. Say, "Cheese."

Cheese!

And I'm real, real gone

Got me down to the very marrow

Don't you know I need your help

You're a friend of mine And I'm real, real gone


Hey. This is Ryan.

Hey, Ryan. What's up, Ryan?

Hey, Ryan. Hi.


That was the best, right?

I had a great time.

So, uh... I guess this is it.

Have a great day.

Ryan?

Could I just have a... Just... Thanks.

I...

I just wanted to... I wanted to tell you...

I'm your father.

Okay.

So...

You'll keep seeing more of me.

That was a fun weekend. Okay.

You seem way too relaxed.

This is a great moment for me.

It's a new stage in our relationship.

No.

No? No.

It's really important that you know there is no truth in anything they are going to say about me. None.

You must understand, they love to humiliate me.

They're monsters. Really.

They are monsters. Okay.

I want to propose a toast to Emma.

Because I think it's important that you know that this...

Rite of passage. Rite of passage.

Well, it's not just about humiliating David.

Although, it is one of the objectives.

And if we have exposed David's past to the harsh light of day...

Well, I think it's important, because you gotta know what you're getting into.

And now that you know all this...

I have some more pictures.

Not Sniper.

Sniper?

It was his rock band. They wore a lot of makeup.

It was the '80s. Everybody wore makeup.

I didn't wear makeup in the '80s.

But look, now that all this is known...

I think it's also very important for you to know that the Wozniaks have had some wonderful times and some hard times. No.

Dad?

When my wife and I were newlyweds, we always dreamed of having a honeymoon in Italy.

But we didn't have much money.

Then we had children.

We told ourselves, someday, when we're old.

But time passed.

You have to make the most of the present.

Do you all make the most of the present?

Yes.

Yes, Dad. We make the most of the present.

When my wife fell ill, David came over one day with plane tickets to Venice.

He had seen to everything.

The hotel near Doge's Palace, the gondolas.

Then later, our three sons flew over and joined us.

We had a big family dinner near St. Mark's Square.

David paid for everything.

David...

He does things like that.

If you are able to live with his countless faults, you will also live through some marvelous times.

Let us pray.

No. Come on. Dad, please.

Let's drink. Yes.

Your father is adorable.

Yeah.

I can't believe you brought your whole family to Venice.

How did you pay for that?

I had money.

When you were 20?

Yeah. Wow.

What kind of job did you have that would pay for a trip to Venice?

It was a manual-labor type job.

That was an awesome meal.

Almost.

All right, let's bring it. Open the flood gates, here-.

Have fun. Okay, have a good day at school, guys.

Have a good time.

It's okay to like recess. How are you? Look at these angels.

My man, how you feeling? Have fun, buddy.

Coffee? Toast? Eggs?

No. How was your weekend?

Relaxing. Good.

Very relaxed.

Dinner with the family.

And I read.

Lord of the Rings.

That you lie to your girlfriend, that's par for the course.

Untruthfulness is the basis of a good, strong relationship.

But I'm not your girlfriend, David.

So, before you tell me that you spent the weekend with Frodo and Gandalf and Bilbo Baggins, why don't you go ahead and take a look at this?

Well, as you can attest, the reporter won't be winning any prizes for his journalistic skills.

But apparently, his story was picked up by CNN and Fox, and even the BBC.

Which means, when you go to bed tonight, four or five billion people will be asking, "Who the fuck is Starbuck?"

Now tell me, is this good news for us?

Does this augur well for our trial?

Is this the type of situation over which we can regain control?

The answer is yes.

Now, we go on the offensive.

A countersuit. We, too, are going to sue the clinic.

What for?

Substantial punitive damages.

It's the clinic's duty not to do anything to jeopardize your anonymity.

By overusing your donations, they have given rise to a substantial, well-funded challenge to your anonymity which has now generated extensive media coverage.

I mean, you should hear the stuff that people are saying about Starbuck.

What are they saying about Starbuck?

Terrible things. But it's good.

It's fine, because our countersuit...

David, your debt problems will go away.

We're going after big, big money.

It is all over Twitter, it is all over the net.

No way is this guy coming out of the closet.

No way!

At work, every meeting you go into, no matter what you say, everyone will always be thinking, "Hey, it's El Masturbator."

Five hundred and thirty-three kids!

He's donated 693 times!

Boy, this guy was making money hand over fist. I can't believe it.

Anyway, listen. He went by the code name "Starbuck."

"Starbuck"?

I think "Chock full o'Nuts" would have been more like it.

"Chock full o'Nuts" would have been better.

You should read some of these tweets.

The last kid was an accident.

I guess he was watching a rerun of Baywatch, and it just happened.

I had no idea this could actually be a job.

I mean, I knew it could be a hobby.

What do you think about all this "Starbuck" business?

Oh, it's horrible.

What's horrible?

It's horrible. You don't think it's absolutely horrible?

I don't know. What was he thinking?

Well, he obviously wasn't thinking that they would use his sperm so much.

And he obviously wasn't thinking that they would choose his profile so often.

May I help you?

Yeah, do you have a stroller for 533 children?

No. No. No.

He doesn't.

Because it's not normal to have 533 children.

It's not normal.

Viggo, where the hell are you going?

I don't know. It goes in the back.

In the back. Okay.

Hey, David.

Your brothers are in the office. They want to see you.

They wanted 100 grand! 100 grand?

I mean, Pop didn't have it. So they tried to drown him!

What were you thinking?

Tell me, David, what were you thinking?

Get the cash, David. Get the cash!

Unbelievable!

Dad, listen. Go away, David.

Go away.

Let's...

Let's do the countersuit.

Excellent. Excellent.

Come on in. All right.

What would happen if we no longer respected these types of agreements?

Nothing less than an unlimited quantity of chaos.

Custody battles.

Possible intrusions upon happy families.

And this, on either party's side.

Mothers showing up on donors' doorsteps.

And donors suddenly wanting visitation rights, wanting to partake in important decisions about religion, about schooling.

None of the parties were coerced into signing this agreement.

And nowhere have I seen an expiration date.

What'd you guys think?

Why don't I understand when you are talking?

Well, you see...

This is a complex situation.

I would vote for the other guy.

Well... No. The other guy is wrong.

Grandma's right. I think you're gonna lose again.

Did she say that?

Okay. Well, all right. Thanks, kids.

You can all go to bed.

Is that going to be your argument in court?

That won't work in court. You can't send the real judge to bed.

Yes, I can. Daddy can send anyone to bed.

And right now, you're all going to bed.

Now, go.


These are children who are lost. They are lost in the wilderness.

And they want to know who their father is.

I mean, is that too much to ask?

And what would...

What would happen if we no longer accepted these types of agreements?

Nothing more than an unlimited quantity of chaos.

Um...

The mic...

Oh, that's better. Is that okay?

Here we are, outside of the New York courtroom...

I feel like this is an easy case to win.

What I'm saying is, which fundamental right should take more importance here?

I've been a musician pretty much my whole life.

And when I write music, I write it because...

I think, when I say this, I speak for everyone.

I know, how for me...

I wasn't actually able to grow up with a dad.

I would like to meet the guy, the man, who created me.

And there's a lot of transitions in my life that I've come across.

It's central to who I am. It's really all I've thought about.

I just want to feel like I have a part of myself.

The last ultrasound that is on Friday at 2:00, do you think that you can make it there?

There is no contract, okay? They've broken the contract!

They break with the contract!

The man signed an anonymity agreement for 693 donations!

He has a right to punitive damages, because you should hear what people are saying about him now.

You have got to be prepared! I am prepared!

Well, then why don't you do it?

You're my friend, I'm sorry.

I'm just so pissed off. Yeah.

So we hope that it has been made clear that the intentional blocking of this vital information has had, and will continue to have a negative psychological impact on each and every single one of Starbucks children.

In finishing, while the donor may have bargained for confidentiality with the clinic, and the parents may have accepted that confidentiality as a condition to receiving the sperm donation...

The children didn't agree to anything.

Yet, they are the ones, they are the ones most directly affected.

This makes no sense.

Thank you.

These are some great kids.

Without the anonymity clause, none of them would be here.

And not to have these beautiful kids, that would be a great loss.

We need the anonymity clause.

The court will now take the matter under advisement.


How long could it take?

I don't know, David. I do not know!

What don't you know?

I know absolutely nothing! My mother was right.

I'm useless and I'm out of my league.

You should have got a real lawyer, David.

All rise!

You may be seated.

In the adjudicated action, the parties will receive a detailed document, in which you will read that Starbuck is entirely, and without reservation, entitled to remain anonymous.

He will also be entitled to $200,000 in punitive damages from the Graboski-Levitt Clinic.

You are adjourned.

Starbuck, therefore, will be entitled to remain completely anonymous.

He also will receive $200,000 in damages.

Yes! Yes!

Brett, what's your reaction to the verdict?

Obviously, I feel great compassion for the children.

But I am very, very happy.

I am very proud to have vindicated my client and his rights.

And I want to say thank you to my own children and to my mother.

Mom, I won.

I won.

And I just want to say, David, we did it!

No!

We did it, David!

No. Who's David?

He's my lover who has always been there for me.

And, David, my darling...

I love you, David. I love you, David.

Obviously, a very emotional trial for everyone here.

Did you expect this verdict?

We're disappointed.

Our case was dismissed, and we've now exhausted every possible legal recourse.

But we haven't lost everything.

While we were told today there's no law requiring Starbuck to identify himself, there's more to this than just legal obligation.

There's us, and there's him.

And beyond any law, there are human beings.

So, ultimately, the final decision is Starbucks.

He's under no legal obligation to identify himself.

But now that he's seen all of us, he may well decide to do so.

That decision is his.

There has been a lot of unfavorable comments about Starbuck in all of this media coverage.

We would really just like our father to know that in our eyes, he's not a criminal or a freak.

To us, he's someone who gave life and happiness where it was badly needed.


Congratulations, darling.

I had it.

I had pitched the perfect game and I had to screw the whole thing up.

My mother saw the whole thing on TV.

Well, she must have been surprised to find out that you had a male lover.

No. She said she always suspected it.

She told me we make a lovely couple.

And your kids?

They think it's cool. Mmm.

I'm just wondering...

And really just theoretically, but...

If I decided to identify myself, would I lose all the money from the countersuit?

Yeah, I think you would.

Emma always says that, uh...

That I don't have a life.

So, um, I officially set out to try and do the right thing.

It's harder than I thought.


Pop.

Pop, I'm Starbuck.

You are El Masturbator?

Yeah.

Now, for once in my life, I'd like to make the right decision.

Once.

For once in my life, I would like to be a normal person.

How would a normal person handle a situation like this?

A normal person would not be in this situation.

Let's just say that a normal person had a slight lapse of judgment and donated sperm 693 times.

What would they do? What would my brothers do?

Your brothers are not mentally equipped to deal with a situation like this.

When you get right down to it, you're probably one of the few people on this earth able to deal with such a situation.

Why not just tell them?

As you know, I have some money problems.

Yeah, your debts.

You know I grew up in terrible, terrible poverty.

Yes, I know, Pop.

I know.

When I left Warsaw to go to the States, my father gave me $10.

That was everything he had.

I couldn't turn down his help, sol promised him I'd pay him back 1,000 times over, once I got rich.

My father died when your mother and I still didn't have a cent.

I...

I always wondered what was harder for him.

Not being able to give his children enough, or not being with them when they hit hard times.

My great good fortune in life is to see you boys every day.

That, for me, is success.

So, like my father, I want to help you.

Here is $10.

It brought me good luck.

With $10, I built my empire.

So, take the $10.

And also take...

It's your share of the meat store.

It's your inheritance, in small bills, to pay off your debts.

I'm scared I'll disappoint them.

Why would they be disappointed?

I'm a meat truck driver.

I'm an incompetent meat truck driver.

True, you are incompetent.

It takes you four times longer to deliver meat than anyone else.

But wherever you go, people love you.

They're going to love you.

Everyone loves you.

Thanks, Pop.


We'll be right with you, sir.

Emma!

Emma!

Mr. Wozniak?

You gave us a little scare, there.

Yeah.

Hi.


Mr. Wozniak?

Yeah.

Your family is here to see you.


Is he healthy?

Yes.

Does that mean he can work tomorrow?


This is weird.

Hey.

I lied to you.

I am your biological father.

And you have a little brother.

He was in a bit of a hurry. But...

He's doing very, very, very well.

Can we see him?

I'll find out.

Hey.

He's so small.

Emma.

Will you marry me?

Wouldn't you want to wait and see if I get my figure back?

If you stay flabby, I promise I'll get flabby as well.

I wonder if that's the first time the word "flabby" has been used in a marriage proposal.

Emma...

I'm Starbuck.

Why are you always scamming?

God, how could you think that a marriage proposal would excuse the fact that you're the father of 533 children?

David! God!

How...

This is no longer your child.

I want to be very clear on two points.

The first point.

I said I was gonna change as quickly as possible, and I am doing that.

I've had a chance to do a lot of thinking. A lot!

And I've come to the conclusion that it's not anyone but me who can decide if I am the father or not.

Not a judge, not my family, not Dr. Phil, and in the end, not you.

In other words, nobody but the father can decide if he is the father or not.

And I, David Wozniak, am the father of this child.

The other reality that can't be changed is the fact that I am Starbuck.

Now, this, obviously, can be somewhat frightening since it's something totally new, and no one on this planet has ever experienced it before. It's...

It is like the first steps on the moon.

But despite a few drawbacks, I think that we can actually take away from this a tremendous amount of joy.

Not to mention, vast amounts of free babysitting.

I don't know how this is gonna work out.

Right now, me coming out and revealing who I am, I'm risking everything.

I'm risking all for the well-being of my 533 kids.

And I would think that you seeing me risk all should convince you that whatever happens, that no matter what turmoil this kid right here gets into, I will be there.

Now, you asked me to have a life.

Well, here it is. This is my life.

It may be a bit strange.

And a bit oversized.

But it's my life.

The second point.

That was a very long first point.

The first point was long. The second point...

The marriage proposal was not a scam.

The second point was much shorter.

I need you in my life.

Promise me, one day you'll take me to Venice.

Okay.

The world is yours

Hold it close With open arms Little feet

We've miles ahead

Take it slow See it all Wow.

Take it in

I see me in you You in me

I see me in you You in me

I see it in your eyes

I see it in your eyes

Little heart

Dance it out

The ins and outs won't bring you down Okay. Have fun.

Little dream

Grow up tall

With a little rain, a little sun You'll feel loved

Many thanks, from your entire real family.

I see it in your eyes

Little hands

Hold it close with open arms Little hands

The light of love Oh, light of love Won't you shine on me Won't you shine on me Light of love Oh, won't you burn Won't you burn it for me Won't you burn it for me The light of love The light of love It won't shine It won't shine for me

The light of love Oh, light of love Won't you let it shine Won't you let it shine The light of love Oh, the fire of love Won't you let it burn Won't you let it burn The light of love The light of love It won't shine It won't shine for me

The light of love Oh, the fire of love Won't you let it burn Won't you let it burn The light of love Oh, light of love Won't you shine for me Won't you shine for me The light of love The light of love It won't shine It won't shine for me, no

The light of love

The light of love

The light of love