Deported (2020) Script

¶ Let's go, oh, ooh The way that you pop, girl ¶

¶ Makes me go cray ¶

¶ Show me whatcha got, girl ¶

¶ You could be my new thang Ooh, the way that you move ¶

¶ Makes me go cray ¶

¶ Pick it up, now drop, girl ¶ You could be my new thang ¶

-[man 1] Yeah, look, it's a party! [man 2] Happy Halloween!

Yeah, dude, you want some beers? Here, here you go, man!

-Here you go, what's up? -Douglas, Douglas!

Douglas, we can't do that, those beers are for customers.

Someone paid for that, and it, it wasn't you.

-So customers-- -Listen up, brace face.

-You get in the Halloween spirit, all right? -[screams]

¶ Heard it's your birthday ¶

¶ Grab a drink if you thirsty ¶

-Man, whoa. -Yeah, bro, sick costumes.

Man, those costumes are sick.

These aren't costumes, we're here delivering groce--

Um, yes, yes, of course they're costumes.

My son, here, he's only 16.

He gets really into character. [chuckling]

That's your son.

Yeah, I can see it.

Well, they have the same visors.

But what, what are you bringing your son to a party for, bro?

That's not even cool, man, you got to be responsible.

You got to be a responsible dad, man.

Look, I know you're feeling a lot, a lot of pressure to be a cool dad and everything, but you're not hurting anybody but him.

Yeah.

Well, well, well, you see, my, my son, um, well--

Oh, well, you know what I do with my son? I leave him the fuck at home.

Yeah, be a parent, not a friend.

All right, guys, I'm just gonna level with you, okay?

I, I shaved my nuts to be here tonight, so, please just, just let us in.

-Dude, that's too much information, bro. -Way too much. Did you bring--

Please just let us in the party, I'll do anything.

-Just give us the beer, bro. -Yeah.

-I can come in? -We got to keep partying!

-Come on! -[Douglas] Yeah, come on, get in, get in!

¶ Let's play casino ¶

¶ Bring four friends Plus you, bingo ¶

¶ Ain't nothing but a flirt ¶ You know, this whole slutty Halloween costume thing is really getting out of hand.

Uh, well, it's my party, so you're going to have to deal with it, 'cause Mama bear likes sipping on her porridge, "Ma-ma-ma-ma-mam."

Oh, hold up. Come on, man, what's that costume?

-I'm... good looking. -What's your costume?

I'm really, really hot.

And I'm getting laid.

This guy's going as a guy who just wants to get laid.

He looks like he would get laid.

-Jesus! -What, what time did you get here?

Oh, I just got here a few minutes ago. [laughing]

-'Cause I had to get ready. -That's funny, 'cause you're only wearing a shirt and a hat.

[scoffing]

I'm, I'm a cop.

I know, it's a joke.

Ah. [laughing]

Oh, my God, you're so cute.

-Thank you. -Tell me I'm pretty.

-You're beautiful. -Oh, my God, thank you.

That's so nice of you to say.

-Hey, well, you know, you told me to, so-- -[cackling]

I did not. [laughing] I'm going to arrest you.

And your Grandma. [laughing]

-[oven dings] -Oh, my God, my Halloween cookies are ready.

Here, hold that.

Oh, these are going to be so good.

I'm so excited.

Oh, my God, I just burned my fucking hand.

-Why-- -Holy mother of God.

-What the-- -What kind of shitty fucking house only has one god damn oven mitt.

-Are you okay? -[growling]

-You all right? -You shut the fuck up!

[breathing heavily] Don't look at me!

Don't fucking look at me!

It's a weird costume, you don't fit in!

[party music]

[robot voice] Pardon me, beep, beep.

-Coming through. -Oh, my God.

-[electronics whirring] -You got a real costume on.

Cheers, man, to giving All Hallows' Eve the respect it deserves.

All right!

Oh, here, I got ya.

I know how hard it is. I once dressed up as a banana.

Couldn't get anything under that peel.

That's dope, bro.

I made my costume.

You know, I made this costume using all stuff

-I found around my own home. -Dude, you seriously have a gift for making people look like dicks.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

That is the nicest thing that anybody has ever said to me.

Thanks, man.

[robot] You totally get me.

The more pressure we place on the future, the less fun it is now.

You know, recently, I noticed that people are obsessed with commitment in all walks of life.

You know, like, I went to get a new cell phone and the cell phone guy tried to get me locked into a two-year plan.

I'm like, "Excuse me, sir.

Two years, um, [chuckling] what am I, a fucking crazy person?"

Who can commit to a cell phone plan for two fucking years?

Um, everyone?

What?

Okay, well, you know, there's a lot of good options out there.

I'm just fucking with you, man.

I'm from Canada and up there we keep it super casual.

You're from Canada?

This is making being your friend very hard, man.

-I wouldn't have even been-- -[Tammy] Get the hell out of here!

Come on! This guy snuck into the party.

Sorry, I'm going, I just got to get my boss!

Okay, all right. Well, I can't even enjoy this knowing we're 35 minutes behind schedule.

Sorry!

Get out, go!

For the record, home delivery is a right not a privilege.

And you, sir, have lost that fucking privilege!

[Tammy] It's ma'am, come on. -[worker] We value our customers.

Okay, we appreciate your business.

Wow!

Way to take a hit, man. You're the man.

No, man, thanks for helping me up, you're the man.

-No, you're the man. -No...

[robot voice to woman voice] ...you're the man!

What the fuck?

[upbeat music]

See, you're the man.

Holy shit!

[both laugh]

-[Ross] Ready? -[Harper] Yeah.

-[Ross] Let's do it. -[both grunting]

[Ross] Oh, it's warm.

But it won't burn. It won't burn.

-[Ross] Okay. -[Harper] Okay, okay, okay.

-[vendor] Oh, that's a good one. -[both laughing]

-[Ross] What? -Looks like you're soul mates.

Oh, no, we're just fucking.

Don't tell me I'm wrong.

-Don't you dare. -Um...

-We should, we should go. -I'm scared.

-Yeah, we should go. -Let's go.

Thank you.

Ow, wearing heels is the worst.

-Feet hurt? -Yeah.

-Yeah. -If you tied a plaid around your waist too.

Ah, the beaver.

¶ 'Cause when I look in your Eyes I see the man I could be ¶

¶ And I want more From you, honey... ¶

-Don't. -What? It's my food, I want to take a picture.

Oh, no, she's posting a picture of her food.

What the hell is that?

-That's you. -Those are not--

Yeah, it is.

Ross 1 and Ross 2.

[gasping]

¶ Love ¶

-Wake up. -[laughing]

[gentle music]

-[Harper laughing] -[Ross] I can't believe you're going to India for a week.

-That's too long. -[Harper] I know, I have to do a few more of these workshops so I can go from, like, an apprentice chef to a chef chef.

-Very fancy. -Very fancy.

Hey, I downloaded a bunch of movies on your iPad.

Threw in some extra batteries into your bag for your headphones.

-Oh, my gosh, you're the best. -No prob.

Ooh, ooh, I left my passport, I forgot my passport.

Oh, no, that's right here.

Along with your Visa.

What?

Babe, thank you.

Are you sure you don't want a ride to the airport?

Oh, that's sweet, I just got an Uber though.

Okay.

-Bye. -Bye.

See you in a week.

Just so you know, I'm not seeing anybody else.

Cool.

I'm kidding, I'm kidding, me neither.

Uh... is that what I say?

-Yeah. -Okay, all right.

That's a nice place to kiss.

I'll see you in a week.

[laughing]

-Bye. -Bye.

[knocking on door]

-Hey! -Hey, Mom!

-Thanks for coming by. -Yeah. You know your headphones are attached to nothing, right?

-What? -Your head--

Oh, oh, yeah, I don't listen to music on them.

They, they reduce noise.

I haven't heard your father's phlegmy breathing in two weeks.

I wish he had a 57 label on his face so I could just smack it until his throat clears.

So where is the old ketchup bottle?

What?

Where is Dad?

Oh, he's in his man cave.

-Man cave? -Mm.

He's got to man cave now?

[upbeat music]

-Hey, son. -Wow, Dad, nice man cave.

Really like what you've done with the place.

It's not a man cave, I live in here now.

Yeah, I just got my own mailing address.

47 Big Dick Lane.

-[chuckling] -You should call ahead before you decide to pop in unannounced.

Yeah, and you should change your address, because that's

-grossly inaccurate. -Okay. what the hell are you all still doing together?

Hmm, well, it's like agreeing to disagree.

We're happy to be unhappy.

At the end of the day, we can't live without each other.

I administer a weekly insulin shot, and she agrees to have hate sex with me once a week for my prostate.

Yeah, it's true, I haven't seen your father since 7 a.m. on hate sex Tuesday.

Technically on Tuesday I get to stab her twice.

Oh, God, that is awful, for like 9,000 different reasons.

-That's marriage. -Boom! [laughing]

So, you been tapping ass?

-Yeah, actually. -Ah, that's my boy!

-How many this month? -Just one.

-One? -But she's amazing.

She's actually flying in from a cooking workshop in India today.

She wants to be a chef.

Does she have the dot?

She does not have a dot.

-I can't wait to see her. -Aw, that's nice, son.

I used to say stupid shit like that about your father back in the early days too.

Oh, you say stupid shit now.

I mean, don't worry, you haven't lost it.

All right, well, you know what?

This was a pleasure.

-Show your mother out, will you? -Okay.

And stop trying to park your car in my living room.

Stop trying to park your car in my back door.

Okay!

That's enough.

Let's go.

[plane engine roaring]

[upbeat music]

[Harper] Hey, um, yeah, this is Harper's voicemail.

I obviously can't come to my phone right now, so I will call you back, or text me or something, okay, bye.

[quirky music]

Hey, I'm at LAX.

I'm just a little worried.

It says your flight landed a little while ago.

So, give me a call.

Hope everything's okay.

[device beeping]

Hey, is everything okay?

I'm in Canada right now, my parent's house.

[suspenseful music]

What, why?

Okay, remember when we said goodbye...

Ooh, I left my passport, I forgot my passport.

Oh, no, it's right here, along with your Visa.

[Harper] Well, that Visa expired.

And you expect me to believe that?

And when I went through customs, they, like, freaked out and they thought I was, like, trying to sneak in, so I'm being deported, and I can't come back to America for like five years.

-Holy shit! -Yes, I'm like so upset about it, it's like just when my life was starting to click there.

Like, I like my job.

I like my friends. I like you.

Look, it's going to be okay, okay?

We'll figure something out, I'll help you.

I mean, there is one way that I can get back to America permanently.

Really, that's great, how?

-I could get married. -To who?

To you, idiot!

Okay, you do realize that one of the features of FaceTime, is that I can see your face, right?

Sorry, I'm sorry, yeah.

No, I know.

I just, actually-- Oh, my God.

I noticed that photo of Drake in the wheelchair on your wall behind you there, shocking!

Whatever, Ross, it's-- Never mind, honestly.

It's just, I thought that we were, you know, on board with keeping it casual.

I mean, we haven't even been dating for that long.

It wouldn't be married married, I don't want that either.

Not yet, it would just be, like, so that I could keep living in America, and keep pursuing my job and see my friends and see you.

Well, would it be okay if I just took a night to sleep on it?

Yeah, it's fine.

Ross?

Yeah.

Can we sleep with the video shot on tonight, so it's like we're together?

Yeah, of course.

[gentle music]

[crickets chirping]

[sighing] I don't know, you know.

What should I do, should I just marry her?

No, absolutely not.

This is the greatest bait and switch I have ever heard.

Hey, you're getting older. Your stock is rising.

Yeah, you don't want to commit all at once.

There is no such thing as a fake marriage in a real relationship.

Did she say, "Let's get married and then divorce in six months?"

There is no need to rush into it like we did.

If you marry her, you marry her.

-Marriage is a life sentence. -More like the death penalty, but die a little bit everyday instead of all at once.

-Why did you all get married then? -[scoffing] Your dumb ass.

Yeah, your deportion is our abortion.

Don't make the same mistakes we did.

Deport and abort.

Well, just don't use the excuse, "I'll pull out."

It never works.

I did, I did pull out, I didn't make it in time.

Yeah, can you say premature ejaculation.

I have a sensitive foreskin.

Wow.

[phone beeping]

-[phone ringing] -I want to hear.

-Hi! -Hey, it's me, Ross.

Hi, I'm so happy you called, I felt so weird after we talked yesterday, and I just don't want you to think I'm trying to put any pressure on you.

You know, it's just, like, a crazy situation.

-No. -[whispering] She's lying. That's a fucking lie.

Shut the fuck up. No, I just--

You know, well--

I don't know if it's a good idea for us to get married, you know.

Like, we've only been seeing each other for a couple months.

People who get married so quick like that, they end up hating each other, and I don't want to end up hating you.

-[whispering] Good boy, good boy. -No, I don't want that.

I just don't think that would happen, 'cause it wouldn't be, like, married, married, it would just be a fake marriage for the Green Card.

Right, but we're dating, so it wouldn't be fake.

Like, marriage puts a lot of pressure on a relationship, and, and we've only been dating for a couple of months.

You know, and I don't want to put that kind of pressure on us.

Yeah, okay, I get that.

I just really wish there was another way to get you back here.

Well, I wasn't, I wasn't even going to say anything to you but, actually, my friend, Loren, offered to marry me.

[Harper] Okay, so, Ross knows who Loren is, he's on my adult field day team.

I'm not going to lie, he's mad hot, and the other day he was just like:

"I would marry you in a heartbeat."

[upbeat music]

Let's hang back a bit with Loren.

You know, right idea, wrong guy.

Ross, we're just friends, he's a really sweet guy, and I was just telling him about the situation, and he was like, "Oh, I'd love to do whatever I can to help."

-I'll find you somebody good. -Like who?

I'll find you somebody real good.

I don't want to marry a stranger!

I know some candidates who would be completely willing, who are college graduates, um, they shop at J. Crew, you know, a bunch of good guys. I just, you know, need a couple of days to figure it out.

Okay, I guess.

-[Ross sighing] -[phone beeps]

You're in, you're in trouble.

[Ross sighing]

It's all right, just breathe.

Get some fresh air, feels good out here.

-[Tammy sighing] -Wow.

Like, you're my best friend, but sometimes you are dumb as fuck.

Today is fucking insane.

[Ross sighing]

We need a guy who sucks.

You know? A guy with zero sex appeal.

Somebody who doesn't have anything in his life, like, figured out.

Get out, you're fired!

Oh, come on, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'll take you to an R rated movie, anything.

-Just don't fire me, please. -No, too late, too late, I'm big pimplin' now, baby.

-Too late. -You've been fucking impossible ever since that God damn blow job, you motherfucker.

Don't you dare, you're through!

-[worker] Get... out. -[Douglas] No!

-[worker] Get out! -[Douglas] No!

No, no, no, no!

Hey, hey, ah!

-[Douglas screaming] -[both grunting]

[elastic tearing]

-[elastic snapping] -[body thumping]

-[Douglas yelling] -[door slamming]

Isn't that the asshole who crashed my Halloween party?

-[engine revving] -[tires squealing]

I'm not fixing your overbite without these!

Fucker!

[upbeat music]

He's perfect!

You just turned in to a little girl.

I need a new best friend.

It'll be great, all you got to do is go to Canada.

Get married to her, interview with Immigration.

Live with her for six months until her Green Card becomes official.

And then that's it, you're done and you're out of there.

You can bail, live your life.

Yeah, fast money.

Mm. You got this, come on, come on.

-Do you have a picture of her? -She's beautiful, man.

-You'll love her. -Super cute, super cute.

All right, I'm very interested.

My rate is $500 a week, plus, I want my own credit card.

-How do you have a rate? -I just do.

That's like ten thousand bucks, man, I don't have that.

Love is very, very expensive.

Okay, I'll give you 200 bucks a month, and this old Navy gift card.

-[Tammy] Ooh. -There's like 25 dollars on that.

Come on, man, that's like three V-necks, which you clearly need.

Well, what is that in flip-flops?

Five flip-flops?

[chuckling] Five pairs or five total?

I will get you five pairs of flip-flops!

[sniggering] Well, that's way too many. [laughing]

Who would buy five pairs of flip-flops?

[chuckling]

Mm. That's so many.

That's too many flops.

-[gentle music] -[plane engine roaring]

I didn't realize you like cats so much.

I feel like a Russian male order bride.

Well, I promise you, if you go through with this deal.

It'll be worthwhile and you'll be rewarded, uh--

Doug, get in here.

[bright music]

I love your Scottish accent, Ross.

I'm from Scotland too, for Christ sakes. [laughing]

I didn't know we were doing accents.

Your accent sucks. Hey, what's up.

My name's Doug linbiski. I mean, Lebowski-- La-- Lapinski.

You're having trouble saying your own last name?

It's a tongue twister.

When it's not in alphabetical order. How dare you shame me.

Right.

Hey, Ross, can I talk to you in the bathroom for a second?

-[Douglas] You want to see me too? -Uh-uh, no, just Ross.

-[Ross] Okay. -You want me to come in there with you?

-Just one minute, thank you. -All right, I'm going to be right here.

-[Harper] Okay. -I won't touch anything.

You want me to marry the psycho from Halloween?

-You're telling me that guy's better than Loren? -He's actually a really good guy

-once he gets his last name out. -You couldn't find anyone normal?

It's kind of a hard sell, you know, it's like a marriage without any of the sex and all the talking, who would want to do that?

I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. Okay?

He's in, he's in with the plan, all I had to do was give him seven grand.

Oh, my God, you're paying him to marry me?

He needs the money, it's the only way he said he'd do it.

Okay, cool, well, if you're paying him seven grand, I'd like ten grand.

I'll pay you back in other ways. [clicks tongue]

Nothing you do is worth ten grand.

Listen, it'll be great, okay?

The guy doesn't even spend anytime in his place.

He says he has some boat, that's where he is all the time.

-Really? -Yeah, he'll be off doing his own thing, and then we'll be able to do our thing, together.

That would almost be a romantic thing to say if you weren't trying to convince me to marry a stranger, who's definitely on the spectrum.

Um, hi!

-You woke me up. -Oh, I'm sorry.

Can I see you in the bathroom?

Okay.

I'm a little upset, you didn't tell me Harper was annoying.

Shh! She's not annoying, man, she's great.

-What are you talking about? -I won't tolerate her, her pretentious little hair.

-I need a pay bump. -I'll give you a thousand bucks more, man, -but that's all I got. -Fine, but I'm not pleased.

You're only going to get 85% out of me.

You might not be able tell at first glance, but I'm a romantic.

Oh, I can tell by the way rose petals fall

-out of your ass. -Rose petals fall out of my what?

-Your ass! -[hand smacking]

-Don't insult me. -You just hit me!

Have you given much thought to a venue?

I'm envisioning something by an ocean, maybe a pinata.

I don't want to skimp because these memories are going to last a lifetime.

[whispering] Months, Doug, six months!

Not when you hate your wife, time fucking goes real slow.

We're going to do the wedding here, her parents are gone for the weekend, -it's free and it's perfect. -Fine, I'm willing to forego the idealic venue, -if you give me your socks. -What?

-Give me your socks. -What happened to your socks?

They fell off.

[quirky music]

It didn't have to be that hard, Ross.

What do you two say we start fresh.

Great idea. Hi, I'm Doug L.

Hi, Doug L., I'm Harper R.

Hmm.

That's so sweet.

[gentle music]

Honey, will you marry him?

I will, reluctantly.

Yeah, this place looks pretty good, right?

-Should be fine. -It looks awful, the balloons are just sagging there, they don't even have enough air in them.

[laughing] Are you wearing an American tuxedo in Canada?

You might as well burn the flag.

Good one, pal.

Did you check out that dossier I put together?

You all are going to have to learn every little thing about each other's lives

'cause customs is going to interview you right when we land.

-I don't read. -Why?

I learn by looking.

Okay, I'll read it to you then.

Shut up, I can not deal with your petty

-bullshit on my wedding day. Of all days, Ross. -I'm sorry.

Of all days. It's my fucking wedding day.

Once a year, once in a lifetime.

My day, not yours!

But don't worry, buddy, I always handle my shit.

I'm extremely mature for my age.

Okay.

Oh, yes.

I'm here for the Doug and Harper L. wedding.

Yes, you're in the right place, my friend, the groom's side is on your left. Right over there, buddy.

-What the fuck is this? -Can you tell me about these people that are here?

-Who are these people? -These are my friends.

Well, actually, I, I put an ad out online, and said free cake at a wedding, so.

Doug, this is my fucking parents' house, okay, you can't do that.

-There's my little Dougie. -Mom!

-He invited his family? -I swear I had no idea.

It's my wedding day, how can I not invite my family.

I am so proud of you.

I never thought you'd get married.

And you only waited to tell me until two days before.

[hand smacking]

-What the fuck? -[chuckling] Now, where's this Harper?

Oh, hi, that's me. [chuckling]

Are you going to marry my son?

-Yeah. -Yeah, fucking right.

-Well, fuck yeah! -[hand smacking]

You have outdone yourself this time.

Who's this fucking asshole right here?

Well, uh, it's good that you asked that, Norm.

Ross is Harper's brother.

And she's always with him because... [whispering] he's suicidal.

-He's what? -Suicidal.

And she doesn't really want to leave him alone.

Right, he's right, you know.

I mean, I just want to [mimicking dying noises]

Okay, where's the rest of the family?

They're all fucking dead, from suicide, Norm.

Thanks for asking.

Well that's just gut wrenching.

[gentle music]

My vows.

I vow to make these vows.

I vow to let you watch whatever you want on TV when wrestling's not on.

I promise to make promises.

-I vow to let you have... -Who the fuck are you?

...all your privacy.

I'm a craigslist model.

Oh, I'm so fucking impressed.

-Do I look good? -You look like a fucking pervert.

People spend money, a special event, a wedding, you came with the short fucking pants.

This is-- this is so inconsiderate of you.

Why the fuck-- Why don't you just go and fuck a donkey somewhere.

Who makes your jacket? I like it.

[stuttering]

The man who fucks your mother.

Well, perhaps it's the same man who makes you eat shit!

[Douglas] ...go down on you every Tuesday.

That's rude.

Your mother is a whore.

And if you don't behave yourself, you know, you see that black guy sleeping on himself right now, look at that, I will just let him loose on you.

Bend you over and fuck, you say, "Aye!"

He's ready for you, you fucker, you.

Yep, sorry, man. I might, I might go--

And who asked you to sit next me?

Who's the fucking seating arrangement person here?

Sorry about it. [clears throat]

[Douglas] I will honor and relish you.

Good job, Doug, it's, it's a special day.

Got any weapons on you there, suicidey, huh?

Right. You want to be selfish, kill yourself?

That's fine, but not fucking today.

Okay. Oh, what's this, this a pin?

Is this a pin? Fucking end your life and be with your dumb fuck family.

Cowards, fuck you.

It's fine, my suicide plans are more long term anyway.

[whispering] Shut the fuck up for the vows!

[gentle music]

Okay, do you, Doug Lipinski, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife.

I do.

And do you, Harper Reynolds, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?

Think about it.

-I do. -You sure?

[belching] She's sure, dude.

Okay, so, by the power invested in me, uh, by the Province of British Columbia, I now pronounce you husband and wife, you may kiss the bride.

[upbeat music]

Kiss her already.

[indistinct shouting]

I found a knife, I'm going to stab myself with this fucking knife.

Oh, thank God!

You selfish fuck!

-[loud thump] -[both grunting]

-[fists thudding] -[groaning]

Uh, well, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Mr. and Mrs. Doug Lipinski.

-[mom cheers] -[guests clap]

[plane engine roaring]

[Ross] Did you look at that dossier I made?

Customs is going to interview you right when we land.

I can handle my shit, Rossy.

All right? I promise.

[people chattering]

[chuckling]

-All right, Mrs. Lebowski. -It's Lipinski.

-Libinsky. -Lipinski. Pins--

-It's really hard to pronounce. -Yeah?

-[Douglas] Yeah. -Yeah, I wasn't talking to you though, so.

Mrs. Lipinski, you scored a perfect 50 out of 50.

Oh.

Thank you. [laughing]

And Mr. Lipinsy, Lapinski... you unfortunately scored 3 out of 50, [laughing] 3 out of 50.

Unfortunately for you, waffle is not the answer to the first ten questions.

See, including, "What is the date of your wife's birth?"

I didn't want to leave it blank because it's better not--

No, no.

What's the date of your wife's birth?

Just the date?

Waffle.

If you, if you'll excuse us for a minute, agent Buckle and I need to confer.

[door opening]

-[door closing] -My god, I can't believe you only got 3 out of 50 right.

-What the fuck? -I thought it was going to be multiple choice.

-All right? -Jesus.

Look, standardized tests don't test intelligence, so it's all good.

[door opening]

-[door closing] -[Harper] It's fine.

Okay, you're good to enter.

-Really? -Congratulations.

-Thank you. -Welcome to the United States.

Thank you so much.

But please be advised that we may drop into your place of residence from time to time.

And in which case, if everything checks out, you'll get a permanent Green Card.

Thanks, man, thanks.

-That's awesome. That's awesome. -Yes, yes.

Hey, needle dick, I totally passed that test.

[uplifting music]

Yeah, yeah!

It's crazy but it worked.

It worked, I'm so happy.

Oh, I can't believe it worked.

You just got to stick with me, you know.

Ross the boss, always making moves. [snapping fingers]

Actually, I was only using you to get to Doug, so.

-Doug? Nice working with you. -No, I'm kidding.

¶ K-I-S-S-I-N-G ¶ Where'd you learn how to kiss, Ross?

If you need any lessons, let me know.

I'm a professional kisser.

¶ Sometimes life can feel like ¶

¶ Walking through A dark alley alone ¶

[boat horn blaring]

¶ Raise my walls as defense ¶

¶ What I want Has been taken before ¶

¶ Oh, dreaming is safe So I'd rather-- ¶ There she is, home sweet home.

Wait, you live on a houseboat.

No, we live on a houseboat.

I swear to God, I did not know.

Yeah, so, you know, I pretty much bought it in the '80s.

Practically in mint condition.

It's really just me that lives here. You can probably put like

25 people on here if you want to. So, it's going to be really comfortable with us three.

Does it actually, like, work?

Yeah, no, it's great, it flies.

We got a little people call this boat the wave fucker.

-It can actually, like, it can-- -Chuck your luggage in there.

[Harper] Oh, well, I have some stuff that's--

-Throw it in there real quick. -Thank you.

Don't worry, don't worry, the boat's really old, it won't get hurt. Just sort of hop over here, and, uh, let me help you in.

-So, come on up, there's she goes, whoopsie-daisy. -[Harper] Okay, okay.

So, we got all your standard amenities.

Plus TV. And, uh, some ketchup, and of course, mayonnaise.

Oh... and a traffic cone.

We're the only boat in the harbor that has a traffic cone.

There used to be another guy that had one, now it's just me.

-Cool. -[Douglas] And, uh, oh, right here, best part, this is little Weezy.

Who's my little first mate?

He's a rescue.

He was in my garbage disposal and I pulled him out.

-Ugh! -Hey, Doug.

Is, uh, that you and your girlfriend there?

Oh, yeah, I wish, man, that's Crystal.

I'm going to go see her in a reunion soon. It's going to be exciting to see her in the flesh, and... refresh.

-All right, Doug. -Oh, my God!

Why don't you show, um, Harper to her room.

Oh, yeah. I got the best room in the house for you.

Used to be my pet cemetery.

Yeah, come and check it out.

[quirky music]

It's a little bit of a decorative project that I'm working on.

It sure is a lot of lava.

Yeah, I bought them from this street vendor, he said the lava was from all over the world.

And I believe him because he had a hand grenade tattoo on his face.

-[water squirting] -Oh, shit!

It's good to keep a roll of duct tape on board at all times.

For leaks and, uh, waxing my bikini line. [chuckling]

Pretty cool, huh, guys? We got our own water.

Woo! Anyway, I'll leave this duct tape right here.

You're going to need it, 'cause you look like you don't wax your bikini line, my friend.

Let's hug it out. [grunting]

All right, later. You guys have fun now.

Hey, you know what? I feel like we can do this for more than six months, yeah?

-It's kind of nice, right? -No, this is literally so fucked.

I just married, like, a mental patient for you. You were going to

-leave me alone here? -I'm not going to leave you alone here.

I'm going to stay every night, I just don't want to move in.

I seem to feel like you at least can give a shit about my well-being.

-I do give a shit. -No, you don't, it's always about you and your life and your world.

Like, what about me, you've never made any effort

-to get to know my friends-- -Invite your friends here.

-Invite them here. -I'm not going to invite my friends here.

We'll have a party, they can get to see the new digs, it'll be great.

I can do whatever you want for them, I can cook for them.

I can learn all their names.

It'll be fun.

[reporter] There's a disturbing new trend on the teenage party scene.

Teens seeking a buzz are soaking tampons in Vodka and inserting them into their rectum to get drunk faster and feel the effects of alcohol more intensely.

The practice is known as butt chugging.

That's the grossest thing I've ever seen.

-[woman] Really. -[laughing]

-Thank you. -Thanks.

There you go.

So happy you all could come over, you know, it's a real pleasure getting to meet you.

-Harper, he's great. -Thank you.

[Douglas screaming] It burns, it burns, it burns, it burns!

-Oh, shit. [chuckling] -[women shouting]

[rock music]

Ew! Ew! Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

-Is that mine? -[women chattering]

This guy is insane.

He stuck a tampon into his ass soaked with Vodka.

-Ah, butt chug. -There's no way she's going to last six months with him.

She's going to leave or she's going to break up with me.

Or I'm going to have to marry her myself so she can get away from him.

How am I supposed to know for sure that's she's the one?

You make a pro, things you like about her, and con, things you don't like about her.

She's super smart and funny and beautiful.

I've never had more fun with anybody in my entire life.

It's just, how am I supposed to know for sure?

Let me ask you this. Do you ever say no to her?

No-- Not yet, I mean, it hasn't come up yet.

Ross, [scoffing] every woman is a peach when all she hears is yes.

You never know what she's really like until you start to say no.

[mom] Walter, are you going to take this trash out?

-No! -Go fuck yourself!

Stupid, old fucktard.

You say yes to women, it's only a matter of time before you have to say yes to drugs.

It's actually a scientific fact.

Interesting.

I read a lot.

[upbeat music]

So, my adult field day team has a tournament today.

And Loren tore his ACL, so we have to find somebody to replace him or we're going to get disqualified.

Loren, aw, that's too bad.

How could he even get hurt, he's so perfect.

So, do you want to fill in for him then?

-No. -Why?

No reason. Just no.

-Are you sure? -No.

-Okay, I'm confused. What do you want? -No!

-Why do you keep saying no-- -I want to say no, today.

I'm saying no.

-Okay. -No!

Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh, nope.

Not today, sorry, nope.

Sometimes people want to say no! So, I'm going to tell you no, all right?

So, no, so you can find someone else, 'cause today I'm saying no, all right?

[Harper laughing]

Hey, I might be exactly what you need for your little field day.

Whoa.

[golf club and ball splashing]

Nailed it.

[gentle music]

He literally looks like the older version of you right now.

Yeah, he's good looking.

[quirky music]

-Ready? -[mumbling]

What, ready for what?

[whistle blows]

[tense music]

-[Douglas groaning] -[man shouting]

[Harper] Oh, come on, Doug!

I'm just going to stay here for a while.

Staying out right here.

[woman screams]

[water splashing]

[women yelling]

[woman shouting]

You're really hairy, man.

-No, I'm not. -You look like a used lint roller.

Truly no symmetry to your body hair or your face.

Yeah, what happened to your T-shirt?

-It fell off. -What do you mean it fell off?

Over there, walking over, it fell off.

-Yeah, how? -It just did!

Okay, it's your turn. Go, go.

All right, step aside. Gonna fucking crush this.

[upbeat rock music]

[Douglas screams]

Whoa!

Oh, hey.

Tough loss.

Wish I could have helped, but, um...

I feel like such a fat shit.

I haven't done a CrossFit box jump in like... two days.

-No, you look great. -Yeah, right, I'm a little fat granola bar away from a tummy tuck.

That's crazy, no, you look great.

[chuckling] Thanks.

Does your boyfriend, Ross, workout at all?

No, that's not Ross, that's Doug.

So, that's this random guy that Ross found for me to marry.

-Wait, are you serious? -Yeah.

Ross didn't change his mind and marry you himself?

[gentle music]

Uh, no.

That makes me mad.

That makes me mad!

That's terrible, I mean-- [chuckling]

You know what? I honestly think if I went on a bench right now, I would beat my high.

You know, I'm trying to be patient with Ross, 'cause he's a really good guy, he just has this problem making decisions, so he's working through it.

If he can't decide about you, he doesn't have a fear of making decisions, he's just an idiot.

Look, if you change your mind, you know who to call.

It's me.

And if I don't answer, it's probably because my, my leg is better, and I'm back at spin class.

Oh, boy, that music is loud, huh?

That music is loud, I need to get back there!

Yeah, um, anyway, I hope you're feeling better soon.

[gentle music]

Well, I guess I learned something important today, you know.

Losing with a team is better than winning alone.

What have you ever won?

I won, like, a restraining order one time.

Can you win that? I don't know.

Wow, what the fuck is wrong with you?

Yeah, if you're here next time, I fucking quit.

-Why, Jay? -You fucking suck ass.

All right, well, I guess, I'll just go back to my wife, Harper.

Wait, Harper's your wife? That's amazing.

Yep. Uh. Yeah, I'm all wifed up, you know.

Same bullshit stories every night, "Blah, blah, blah.

We should really get a puppy, blah, blah, blah.

We need to make more decisions together," you know, like, all that bullshit, wife, husband stuff, you know.

[woman] I like that.

-You do? -Yeah, it's hot.

You have a wife. [chuckling] Woo!

Can I see the ring?

[upbeat rock music]

Wait, is your wife home?

Huh, is your wife home?

-[Harper] I don't-- -Yeah.

-Jackpot! -Whoa!

I've done everything for you and you won't even officially move in here with me.

I'm here all the time, I basically live here.

That's bullshit. And you know what? You don't have a problem making decisions, you're just a little bitch.

And I am not staying on this disgusting piece of shit boat with you and that psycho for one more second.

[woman moaning]

[woman heavily breathing]

He's not a psycho, okay? He's just a little special.

He washes his underwear in the blender and then he microwaves them dry.

Mm-hmm.

[woman heavily breathing]

He's disgusting, his toilet doesn't have a seat on it.

That's because he's a minimalist.

It's a style choice, babe.

He can't say his own name.

I heard everything you just said.

-I don't care. -She did not mean it, man.

-Yes, I did. -She was just kidding around.

Uh, yeah, she did, she meant every single word.

Guess what? How do you like this one, I want a divorce.

Oh, no, no, if you get a divorce, I'm going to have to bounce.

-Single guys are so clingy. -[chuckling]

Let's put a cork in the divorce thing for a minute, because I can tell we'll work this out, right?

-You're so hot. -I'm so sick of people saying that.

-Boom. -Oh, my God.

Jesus, Doug, I'm really going out on a limb here for you, man.

That's a lot of cocaine. That's very illegal.

That's, like, a really illegal amount of cocaine, Doug.

It is not illegal, we are on international waters, -your laws can't touch me. -We're three feet off the fucking dock.

-Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. -We are? Oh, shit.

Sorry, that was a really fucked up thing for me to do.

Uh, we just won't do any cocaine for right now.

You know what? I'm moving out, so have fun.

-No, where's she going? -Party pooper.

Please don't leave like this.

Good job, Harper, she just left.

Nice to see you, Mrs. Lapinski. We would have dropped by sooner, but it's very hard to track down a houseboat.

-Where you headed off too, hmm? -I'm actually going on my honeymoon, by myself down the road to the Holiday Inn. 'Cause they a room without a masturbating rat, so I'm going to take that.

But if you want to interview my husband you totally can, 'cause he's not invited, so.

They're just going through a rough patch.

Everything's going to be okay.

-Who the hell are you? -Me? I'm their marriage counselor.

[chuckling] You must be great.

-That was sarcasm, you look twelve. -[Douglas laughing]

Very interesting. Not one picture of you as a married couple.

Yeah, you think I want to take a picture with this turd?

I've taken pictures with turds

-and they don't look anything like me. -Feelings, arguing, that's good, these are good things.

You know, it's therapeutic.

Doug, why don't you go ahead and let Harper know how you feel?

I hate you, you're cruel and you're insensitive.

-[Ross] Well done. -[Douglas sighing]

-Felt great. -Good, good.

-You see? Progress. -Progress for a marriage counselor, but not for us. See, couples living apart is big reg flag.

What is it, your job to make people get a divorce?

No, it's my job to inform you that marriage fraud is a very serious offense.

-Up to eight to ten years. -Maybe even nine.

Shut up! So, if you want to tell us anything, you tell us now.

I eat plants.

Huh? You tell us right now!

Now, you tell us! Now, you tell us.

-Okay, this was all my-- -It's all real, it's all real.

I mean, it's real, there's no marriage fraud here.

I mean, this-- You know what they say, that you can only hate the ones that you love, right?

-No. -Well, I really hate Doug!

-Something very wrong here and we're going to find it out. -We are going to find it.

-We find everything. -Back off.

Okay.

Have a lovely day.

Eight to ten years.

Jesus, that's like all of High School.

I'm so sorry, Harper, this is all my fault.

I'm just going to go back to Canada.

Don't do that.

Why should I stay here? Like, why should I?

I've done literally everything for this relationship, you have not done anything.

I'm going to-- I'm going to change.

Okay, I don't believe you.

I'm going to, I have to, because if I don't I'm going to lose you.

Hey, I'm sorry it took me so long to realize how important you are and how lucky I am to have you.

But I know that now, okay, I'm gonna change.

Well, what are we going to do about the INS, though, like, they're completely onto us.

I'll figure it out. You know, I'll make it work.

I'll, I'll make this look like a legit marriage.

-No. -No?

No.

Why?

I don't know, 'cause, like, "Sometimes people just feel like saying no."

All right, okay, I see what you're doing.

That's my impression of you saying no.

I got that it was your impression of me. You know, every time a woman does an impression of me, it's never, [deep voice mumbling] like they do of most guys. It's always...

[high pitch mumbling]

-'Cause it's the appropriate octave. -It is the right octave.

I deserve it, I'm sorry.

I promise, Harper, if you stay, I'll make this all work out.

Don't make me regret this.

Okay, I won't.

[upbeat music]

[Harper] I got to give it to Ross.

He moved in, and he started to put, like, a ton of thought into how to fool the INS.

-[camera clicking] -And I mean a lot of thought.

Maybe too much.

[Ross] We're not adopting anybody.

Okay? We're just going to come here, fill out some paperwork, leave a trail for customs and then bail, that's it.

-I don't want to get any of these kids hopes up. -Oh, hi, hi there!

How'd you like to meet some of the children.

Come on, kids, line up, everybody, line up.

No, we just wanted to fill out, like, the preliminary paperwork.

Oh, this will only take a second.

Say, "Hi, visitors."

[kids] Hi, visitors.

[camera clicking]

-No, no, no. -Can we do some where, um, you guys look like a couple who's trying to start a family.

We don't do that kind of photography here, but if you come back to my place, I'll show you the wide angle lens.

And this is Natalie, she is recently available and a very spirited young lady.

Aw, hi, Natalie.

I'm Harper, and this is my husband, Doug.

You two don't look married.

Well, they are married, so.

I don't think they are.

Yeah, they are.

-No, they're not. -They are, okay.

What do you know? You're just a kid.

I know chemistry, and you two don't have it.

Who the fuck are you?

[gasping]

I'm Ross, who are you?

I'm the girl who knows some shady shit is going on here.

[upbeat music]

[camera snapping]

[gentle music]

Thanks for doing literally all of the work.

[chuckling] You're welcome.

-This looks really good. -Thank you.

Yeah, you should, uh, add this to your cookbook.

[chuckling] What cookbook?

The one you're going to write someday.

[gentle music]

-What is this? -[chuckling] Just something I got you.

All you got to do is fill in the pages.

Ross, this is amazing, I love it.

And I love you.

[chuckling] Did you just say I love you?

-I did. -Did you just say I love you?

Sorry, sorry, I love you too.

Phew, okay.

-Now we should kiss. -Mm-hmm.

[suspenseful music]

[upbeat music]

Oh, shit.

Move over, I'm coming in.

-Get the fuck out of here, man. -What are you doing?

There's agents out there watching you two

-whores obviously copulating. -Fuck!

Now, we only have one choice.

We have to make it look like a threesome.

-Doug, no. -Yeah.

No.

-[Ross] No, no! -Let's do it, baby.

No, no, no, no, no, no! No! No! Stay the fuck away, man!

All right, well, I just want to go on the record, that this does not look like a threesome, we're all going to jail.

Geez, it's ridiculous.

They're fucking taking pictures, right now.

Come on! Do something!

-Do something, pussy! -Fuck it.

-Fuck it what? -Let's do it.

Come on, let's go.

Come on, kiss me, come here.

Um, this, this still doesn't look like a threesome.

No, no! Oh! [mumbling]

-What the fuck? -What the fuck?

-What the fuck, man! -You pressed your tits against me, what do you expect?

-So? -So, I get a boner, I feel tits, I get a boner.

-It's totally natural. -Don't you fucking blame your boner on me, man!

I mean, do you guys even need me here?

Hey, they're taking pictures of us right now, -so you better give me that belly button. -No!

-Fuck that shit. -No, God!

Is he fucking his belly button?

Oh, God, no! God, no!

I should be mad at you 'cause technically you cheated on me.

-My belly button's been deflowered. -[chuckling]

But he did save us, so you can't really be that mad.

I guess.

-[lips smacking] -Ah! What the fuck, man!

-What? -You just kissed me.

Ah, come on, don't be prude.

Hey, I know how you two can repay me for that genius threesome idea I had.

By buying you pants?

The annual Lidinski family reunion is tomorrow.

There's going to be Lipinskis flying in from all over the country.

I'm a little nervous, but the idea of going with a looker, such as my wife, and watching four generations of Lidinskis shit their pants is kind of appealing to me, you know what I mean?

So, what do you say, let's do it.

You know what, Doug, I think it's the least we can do.

-I'll totally go. -Yes, yeah.

I'm a way better slow dancer when I have a partner.

[chuckling] Cool.

-You gotta come. -Yeah.

-No. -Stop.

Your brother's going to kick my ass if I go.

No, he won't.

Smooth it over with my mom, ask her to dance, call me an idiot. You'll be back in the family circle of trust before you know it.

-[blowing] -Fine, I'll go.

-[rock music] -Yes.

Now, put on some god damn pants.

Not a chance.

There you are, with your beautiful wife.

-I'm so proud of you. -Thanks, Mom!

Hello, Miss Lipinski.

You look amazing.

Um, I'm really sorry about how I acted at the wedding.

You were being a douche.

I was being a total douche.

Um, I was thinking, maybe I could make it up to you by asking you to dance?

All right.

[suspenseful music]

Hi, how's it going?

You'll get this back when you've earned it.

There are too many trees around.

A lot of trees.

You want to go for a dance?

[belt creaking]

[upbeat country music]

¶ Should of been gone ¶

¶ By now ¶

¶ I Don't know why... ¶

[hand smacking]

You step on my foot, the next one won't be so gentle.

Eyes on your partner.

-Yes, ma'am. -[sighing]

Ah, man, this is great.

Oh, shit, there's Crystal McAllister, in the flesh.

Quick, take this off, you look slutty.

Ow, God, why do you care, who's Crystal?

Isn't she, like, your High School crush, -why is she even here? -She's my cousin.

-What? -Yeah, I know.

You'd think it'd make it easier, right?

But it's surprisingly tough.

I don't really even know what to say right now.

-Say you'll be my wing wife. -No!

-We're not related by blood. -I don't believe you, I think you want to fuck your cousin.

-No, she married my cousin. -Why isn't he here?

He died on a boating accident with his secret family.

I don't know, that's just weird.

Holy shit, she's coming over here, just act normal.

Oh, my God.

Doug, oh, my God! [laughing]

Hey.

[laughing]

You must be Doug's wife?

That's me, this is the best husband ever.

I could've guessed that.

The notes that he used to pass me in class were always so creepy, but they had the sweetest undertones.

You picked up sweet undertones?

'Cause my thoughts were entirely creepy. [laughing]

[all laughing]

[Doug laughing alone]

Well... it was so great to see you, Doug.

-And, and a pleasure to meet you. -You too.

[mimics camera clicking]

[nervously chuckling]

Please stop.

Thank you so much.

-[mimics camera clicking] -Don't.

[mimics camera clicking]

[gentle country music]

-Why do you keep staring at me like that? -You told me to look at you!

I told you to look at your partner, not eye fuck her!

I'm just looking at you, there's no eye fucking going on here.

You need to go throw some cold water on your face, back down that eye horny.

-Why don't we get a drink. -Oh, you want to liquor me up, you rapey fuck.

Stay the fuck away from my mom, man.

Stay the fuck away from her, okay?

You know what? Here's your belt, bro, go nuts!

[fingers snapping]

-[Douglas] Hey, you see that guy right there? -Yeah.

That's Paul, he's the coolest guy in my family.

Doug, thought you'd be in jail or rehab by now.

How the hell did you pull her?

'Cause he's got the dick the size of an elephant trunk.

And he's a very active listener.

Wow, Doug, nice work, man.

So, you're married, Paul?

Uh, yeah, she's over there. Honey!

-Ugh, enough, God! -[people cheering]

Crush, crush, crush!

Oh, yeah, that was perfect!

-Can you come over here? -Fuck you!

-[crushing can] -[people cheering]

-Fuck you, man, fuck you! -Fuck you.

-[people cheering] -[Paul's wife] Take the can and go home!

She crushed a whole 30-pack last night.

Anyways, congratulations, you guys look really happy.

I'm going to go.

Oh, God, I love being married to you.

I love it, I love it, I love it!

[laughing] Yes!

You know, Doug, I love being married to you too.

And this whole thing has actually brought Ross and I a lot closer together.

So cheers, to us.

To us.

[gentle music]

Oh, thank you.

-Well, we lucked out with you. -[Harper laughing]

You guys want one?

Rossy, she's amazing, what a great girl.

I know, man, I was just thinking that.

God, I mean, look at this, look where we are right now.

You know? I mean, look at all she's done for me.

Oh, careful. [laughing]

In all this craziness, it's really made me realize how I feel about her.

I'm going to propose to her soon.

And thank you, thank you so much...

¶ Don't waste your time I know the story ¶

¶ Heard you tell so many times ¶

I think I'm going to go ask her to dance, brother sister style.

Watch my corn?

¶ Hiding behind Those empty eyes ¶

-Hey, sis. -Hey.

Would you like to dance?

¶ Rain clouds And heavy heartbeats ¶

¶ Waiting for change... ¶ Oh, Weezy, not today.

¶ But you're going to do ¶

¶ What you want to ¶

¶ Oh, what you want to ¶

[distant chattering]

-After you. -Merci beaucoup.

Yo.

-Everything okay, Doug? -Yeah, uh, sure.

-What's that? -This? It's nothing, nothing at all.

What is this, what are you hiding? Is this a love note for Crystal?

Oh, fuck, what the fuck, Doug!

I threw that away! Babe, I am so sorry, okay?

-I wrote that a long time ago. -Cool, so, I married a whack job for you and you made a list of things you don't like about me.

Pros too, look at all those pros.

-[Douglas] Whack job is very offensive. -You shut the fuck up, Doug!

"My ravioli is too cheesy.

I like Dubstep, is from Canada.

Has kissed men before me, nipples are too dark, I have big knuckles," I don't. "I like you too much."

Okay, cool, well, you don't have to worry about that anymore, Ross.

-Fuck you. -Okay, that was a long time ago.

All right? I don't even understand what any of that means now.

You think it's okay to just construct a list of somebody's flaws.

-No, it was stupid. -Okay, cool, let me try it for you then.

Um, you can't decide on anything, you don't even have a cell phone plan, -'cause you're a pussy. -Okay, wow.

Your legs are way too long and your torso is super short.

You have a southern accent and you're from Baltimore.

When you smile, it looks like you have a piano in your mouth, and your face is so fucking generic and bland I can't even describe what you look like to my friends.

Your hair always looks like you just took a bike helmet off.

And your dick looks like it's half circumcised, I don't understand it.

You're not funny, and you do have man boobs, Ross, I know I said that you don't, but you fucking do, and they're huge, titty boy!

Okay, I'm glad we got that off our chest.

Listen, Harper, I just wasn't sure.

Sure, I know you weren't sure. You don't have to be sure anymore, Ross, 'cause this is fucking over. So, get the fuck out.

-You too, get out. -But this is my houseboat.

Get out!

-Please let me-- -Get out!

And Dubstep is fun.

[gentle music]


I can't believe my marriage is over.

Do you think she's going to take 50% of the houseboat?

-Would joint custody-- -Are you kidding me, man?

I love her, you just ruined it.

-Why would you do that to me? -I'm sorry, I just kind of freaked out.

You know, when people saw me with Harper, a girl that beautiful and that smart, and she would marry me, I mean, I felt incredible. I finally felt like I could tell my mom, "Fuck you, I'm not a loser, you're wrong about me."

I got you into all this, man, this isn't your fault.

You know, you need to stand up to her, man, your mom's a dick.

She should be proud of you. Sometimes I wish I was like you.

You know, maybe if I was like you, all this fucking bullshit with Harper would have never happened.

I'm such a fucking idiot.

-Okay, enough. -[Ross] What?

I have come to your Dad and your super hot Mom to stage an intervention.

I'm depressed, I'm not on heroin.

This is an intervention about a substance you're not abusing, fresh puss.

Look, it's the only way you're, you're going to get over Harper and move on.

I don't want to get over Harper.

-I love her. -[all laughing]

So stupid.

[dad] Look, I know you're sad, but trust us, you dodged a big whiny bullet.

[Tammy] It's like you forget how much you used to complain about Harper, like, all the time.

Remember? She posted pictures of her food.

[mom] I don't know you want to marry into that family.

[dad] Yeah, you got to move on, all right?

You got to stay single, and you know how long you should stay single?

[mom] Forever.

-Forever. -[dad] Oh, boy.

[mom] Don't even, don't even start.

Son, let me, um, let me give you a little advice.

I don't want any of your shitty advice.

Okay? I don't know why I've listened to you three in the first place.

The only thing scary about commitment is when you use bad judgment like you did.

There's nothing scary about loving Harper.

I want to be with her.

I want to marry her.

[sighing]

[bright music]

[knocking on door]

Hi, honey!

-Where's Harper? -That's actually why I'm here, it's not really going to work out between us.

Well, then, honey, you better fix it, I mean, just landing her was a fluke.

Ross isn't Harper's brother, he's her boyfriend, -and he paid me to marry her so that-- -[hand smacking]

I knew she was too good for you. I--

-[hand smacking] -You don't deserve to be a mother!

-How dare you! -You had it coming.

You're a bully. And just because Harper wouldn't marry me for real, doesn't mean that somebody else won't.

Yeah, right!

-[fist punch] -[Douglas groaning]

The fuck, Mom!

-[fist punching] -[yelping]

I'm sorry, Mom, I had to do that.

You needed to be punched.

[suspenseful music]

[agent 1] Look at this.

Harper, let me in, I want to talk to you.

Let me in, I want to talk to you, come on!

-Please! -Hey, buddy.

Hey, man. Why do you look so happy?

Why are you here? I don't want to talk to you.

I screwed up, okay, Harper. I love you.

-[Harper] Whatever, you're such a lying asshole. -[agent 2 laughing]

I don't know what this fucking is, it's not a relationship.

Plus, Loren's going to be here in five minutes, to take me to the airport.

So you should probably leave before he gets here, 'cause he doesn't really like you very much.

-Loren? -Yeah, Loren, the one person who's actually cared about me the entire time, unlike you two fucking assholes.

[agent 1] All right, do you want to make this hard or easy?

Huh? Hard or easy, your choice.

Round them up.

All right, guys, you're under arrest.

I'm so sorry.

[agent 1] You going to make this hard or easy?

[suspenseful music]

[jail door slamming shut]

I'm such an idiot.

Sorry for roping you into all this, Doug.

[door alarm buzzing]

It's okay.

I got to be cool for four months.

That's more than most guys get to be.

Plus, I got so many girls being married to Harper, it was like a vag-a-lanche.

Wasn't it just that one girl from field day?

Yeah, but for me, that was like a vag-a-lanche.

[sighing] I should have just married her when I had the chance.

I can't believe a girl like her would ever even like me in the first place.

You know? I could never wrap my head around it.

I couldn't believe it either.

Okay, well, now it's over, so.

-Done. -She's out in Canada.

She can't come here.

And here I am, stuck here.

Can't go there. [chuckling]

[sighing]

Hey, your friend, Tammy, just posted your bail, you're free to go.

-[keys jingling] -[door opening]

[gentle music]

Without Harper, this isn't any better than jail.

-You know what? -What?

Fuck it.

I'm not going to let a little federal indictment stop me.

I'm going to go up to Canada and I'm going to see Harper and I'm going to show her that I love her and prove to her that I've changed.

Yeah, yeah, let's kidnap her, I'll help you.

-What? -I mean, let's get her, get her back!

Yeah, okay, all right.

We can't get on an airplane because we're on a no fly list, and they're not just going to let us drive across the border, so.

[laughing]

-Hot air balloon! -Boat!

Oh, I was going to say boat.

We're on a boat, we can take the boat.

We're on a boat, we're on a boat.

[upbeat rock music]

-Come on! -Come on!

-[engine starting] -Woo!

-Yes! -Yeah, oh, man, we're going to haul ass.

I'll get this boat up to fifty fucking knots.

We should be there by nightfall.

I'm so happy I could kiss you, man.

Really?

Maybe I should go untie us.

Be swift and fast.

[boat chugging]

[gentle music]

[boat honking]

Five fucking days, man, I'm fucking losing my mind.

Harper's probably already moved on by now, man.

What the hell am I going to do?

Well, Harper is white, correct?

Yes, she's white, Doug.

You know, you really messed up.

That's no way to court a white woman.

Did you learn that in your book?

It's all about making amends, making right what you have done wrong.

If you want to make amends to Harper... you need to say sorry in a big way.

You know, you're right, Doug.

That's actually some pretty good advice.

[Asian accent] Us Asian men need to stick together.

I need to do something that shows Harper that I love everything about her, and that I can make big permanent decisions.

Oh, my God, what are you doing here?

I'm here to prove to you how much I love you.

-Everything okay, babe? -I--

[chuckling] Who's the Canadian enthusiast?

I'm Ross, and you don't call her babe, that's our thing.

Harper, I've loved you ever since I thought you were a robot.

Oh, my God, Ross.

Uh-huh. It hurt, it hurt a lot.

I just wanted to show you that I can make big permanent decisions.

And this is the most permanent thing I could think of.

Oh, my God.

-[Ross wincing] -Sorry.

It's okay.

[Harper] "The list of things I love about Harper.

Her hair, her eyes, her cute sneezes, her really great grammar, the way she thinks dogs can understand her when she talks to them."

They can.

You love answering my questions during movies?

I mean, if anybody else ever did it, I'd find it insufferable, because it's you though, I, I love it.

-Really? -With all my heart.

You know what? I did this for you.

Wow, that's impressive.

A thousand crunches a day.

-[sprinklers turn on] -[Douglas] Yes!

Look at him, he's all wet, he sucks!

-That was me. -Loren, I'm so sorry.

Oh, come on, look at me.

-I'm so good looking. -I've never really been that attracted to, like, super good looking people.

I'm kind of into, like, the soft gawky, like, weird, big teeth type.

-I don't know. -Thanks.

I mean, I'm not sure if that was a compliment, but it sounded sweet.

-[gentle music] -[Ross sighing]

Harper...

-[chuckling] -...will you marry me?

No, get up.

You're so weird, I don't want to marry you yet.

You blew all that up yourself in you're own head.

I just want to be your girlfriend.

And, like, maybe live in the same place as you, so we can watch the shows we like, and snuggle a lot.

I'm so lucky.

But seriously, we need to get fucking married, Doug and I got into some deep shit. We weren't supposed to leave the country while we're on bail.

-I'm a fugitive now, baby. -You're a fugitive?

That's right, honey.

I don't know why, but I'm so into that.

Fine, I'll marry you, but only 'cause it's for the greater good.

I need kale.

-[fist punching] -[grunting]

-Holy fuck! -What are you doing?

This is usually when the losing guy gets mad and tries to kick your ass, so I decided to knock him out before he got the chance.

-That's actually pretty smart. -Well, hey, thank you.

Hey, since we're not going to be married anymore... can I be your best man?

Tammy will be devastated...

but sure.

[officiant] Do you, Ross Ruben, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife.

I do.

Do you, Harper Reynolds, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband.

I do, reluctantly.

I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride.

-Oh, shit, Crystal, what are you doing here? -Oh, come on.

[whispering] Oh, um, Harper told me that you guys weren't really married, and that you didn't have a date for this wedding, so I just thought I'd swing by.

You came all the way to Canada?

Yep.

Are you with the black kid?

I don't know him, we just met in the parking lot.

-Fuck yeah. -Wing wife for life.

Okay, that's, that's great, now let's, let's move on, shall we?

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

[upbeat music]

[guests cheering and applauding]

Yes! Woo-hoo!

Hey, anybody want to turn this wedding party into a fuck party?

Let's go!

[upbeat music]

¶ She's moving up Down, all around ¶

¶ She's moving up Down, all around ¶

¶ She's moving up Down, all around ¶

¶ In a high class place With a white girl ghetto ¶

¶ Up, down, all around ¶

¶ She's moving up Down, all around... ¶

[laughing]

[crew member] Ask him who makes his jacket.

Okay, who makes this jacket?

What? Mine who fucks your mother in the ass, that's the fucking man that does it, okay?

-[laughing] -[woman laughing]

I didn't expect that. [cackling]

-[crew member] Rolling! -[laughing]

Oh, my God, I hate your laugh.

Hey, uh-- Sorry. Just got my own mail, just got my--

[spitting] Fucking flies!

Just got my own mailing address.

I wish she had a 57 label on his face, so I could just smack-- Ow.

So I could just smack-- What is it?

Um, I still don't know how this looks like a threesome.

-[laughing] -Fuck!

-[yelling] -Go for it, man!

Shut the fuck up and show some fucking respect, you fucking cunt!

[laughing]

I don't like when words come out of your mouth.

I don't like your stupid hair!

Sorry.

[crew member yelling]

[both laugh]

-[crew member] Go even bigger. -You...

-[agent laughing] Sorry. -[crew members chattering]

[director] Let's just start with, "Miss Lipinski, you scored a--

-Mrs. Lipinski, you scored a perfect 50." -Yeah, let's just-- [chuckling]

You know what? It might be funny, but don't fucking crack up when you're doing it.

-[clears throat] -[crew members laughing]

Let the audience laugh.

Don't you start laughing and breaking the whole fucking scene.

-Robert.... -[director] Here we go.

...I'm just a-- I'm just a new green actor, okay.

You're just a little green horn, aren't you?

-Yeah. -Love the little green horns.

-Really? -You can kick me in the balls, let's do it.

Just get it over with.

Oh, that hurt.

-You got me. -Come back.

Fuck!

Whoa!

What the fuck is that little thing?

Oh, there you are.

Shit, let me get him out of here.

Actually, do you know what? Do you mind if I let him finish?

If I don't, he's going to be in a bad mood for weeks.

[mouse squealing]

Never mind, we're all good.

Stop, I don't want to kiss anymore.

Let's get the fuck out of here.

Dammit, Lou, why did you turn away the nice gay man.

Now get out of here! I'm very disappointed in all of you, I'm going to go drink for a while. Just be quiet.

I'll be back in, like, five hours, can you put everybody to bed, Brittany? Great.

¶ Thousand feet in the air Looking up ¶

¶ Walking on a high wire ¶

¶ Don't look back Whatever's down below ¶

¶ Oh, it won't help you now ¶

¶ Baby, playing with fire ¶

¶ And when you get burned It's still better than never ¶

¶ Taking a turn, oh ¶

¶ Climb out on a limb My darling ¶

¶ Bet against The chance of falling ¶

¶ Climb out on A limb my darling ¶

¶ Don't live in The fear of falling ¶

¶ Oh ¶

¶ You're a gold mine ¶

¶ No ¶

¶ You're a gold mine ¶

¶ Oh ¶

¶ You're a gold mine ¶

¶ Oh ¶

¶ You're a gold mine ¶