Desperate Housewives S1E1 Script

Pilot (2004)

Woman: My name is Mary Alice young.

When you read this morning's paper, you may come across an article about the unusual day I had last week.

Normally, there's never anything newsworthy about my life, but that all changed last Thursday.

Of course, everything seemed quite normal at first.

I made breakfast for my family.

I performed my chores.

I completed my projects.

I ran my errands.

In truth, I spent the day as I spent every other day...

Quietly polishing the routine of my life until it gleamed with perfection.

That's why it was so astonishing when I decided to go to my hallway closet and retrieve a revolver that had never been used.

My body was discovered by my neighbor.

Mrs. Martha Huber, who had been startled by a strange popping sound.

Her curiosity aroused, Mrs. Huber tried to think of a reason for dropping in on me unannounced.

After some initial hesitation, she decided to return the blender she had borrowed from me six months before.

Aah!

It's my neighbor. I think she's been shot.

There's blood everywhere.

Yes.

You've got to send an ambulance.

You've got to send one right now.

And for a moment, Mrs. Huber stood motionless in her kitchen, grief-stricken by this senseless tragedy...

But only for a moment.

If there was one thing Mrs. Huber was known for, it was her ability to look on the bright side.

I was laid to rest on a Monday.

After the funeral, all the residents of Wisteria Lane came to pay their respects.

And, as people do in these situations, they brought food.

Lynette Scavo brought fried chicken.

Lynette had a great family recipe for fried chicken.

Of course, she didn't cook much while she was moving up the corporate ladder.

She didn't have the time.

But when her doctor announced Lynette was pregnant, her husband Tom had an idea.

"Why not quit your job?

"Kids do better with stay-at-home moms.

It would be so much less stressful."

But this was not the case.

In fact, Lynette's life had become so hectic, she was now forced to get her fried chicken from a fast-food restaurant.

Lynette would have appreciated the irony if she stopped to think about it, but she couldn't. She didn't have the time.

Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it!

But, mom!

No, you are going to behave today.

I am not going to be humiliated in front of the entire neighborhood.

And just so you know how serious I am...

What's that?

Santa's cell phone number.

How'd you get that?

I know someone who knows someone who knows an elf, and if any of you acts up, so help me, I will call Santa, and I will tell him you want socks for Christmas.

You willing to risk that?

Mnh-mnh.

Okay.

Let's get this over with.

Gabrielle solis, who lives down the block, brought a spicy paella.

Since her modeling days in New York, Gabrielle had developed a taste for rich food...

And rich men.

Carlos, who worked in mergers and acquisitions, proposed on their third date.

Gabrielle was touched when tears welled up in his eyes, but she soon discovered this happened every time Carlos closed the big deal.

Gabrielle liked her paella piping hot.

However, her relationship with her husband was considerably cooler.

If you talk to al Mason at this thing, I want you to casually mention how much I paid for your necklace.

Why don't I just pin the receipt to my chest?

He let me know how much he paid for his wife's new convertible.

Look, just work it into the conversation.

There's no way I can just work that in, Carlos.

Why not? At the donoghue party, everyone was talking mutual funds, and you found a way to mention you slept with half the yankee outfield.

I'm telling you, it came up in the context of the conversation.

Hey, people are starting to stare.

Can you keep your voice down, please?

Absolutely.

We wouldn't want them to think we're not happy.

Bree Van De Kamp, who lives next door, brought baskets of muffins she baked from scratch.

Bree was known for her cooking, and for making her own clothes, and for doing her own gardening, and for reupholstering her own furniture.

Yes, Bree's many talents were known throughout the neighborhood, and everyone on Wisteria Lane thought of Bree as the perfect wife and mother.

Everyone, that is, except her own family.

Paul.

Zachary.

Hello, Mrs. Van De Kamp.

Bree, you shouldn't have gone to all this trouble.

It was no trouble at all.

Now, the basket with the red ribbon is filled with desserts for your guests, but the one with the blue ribbon is just for you and Zachary.

It's got rolls, muffins, breakfast-type things.

Thank you.

Well, the least I could do is make sure you boys had a decent meal to look forward to in the morning.

I know you're out of your minds with grief.

Yes, we are.

Of course, I will need the baskets back once you're done.

Of course.

Susan Mayer, who lives across the street, brought macaroni and cheese.

Her husband Carl always teased her about her macaroni, saying it was the only thing she knew how to cook, and she rarely made it well.

It was too salty the night she and Carl moved into their house.

It was too watery the night she found lipstick on Carl's shirt.

She burned it the night Carl told her he was leaving her for his secretary.

A year had passed since the divorce.

Susan had started to think how nice it would be to have a man in her life, even one who would make fun of her cooking.

Mom...

Why would someone kill themselves?

Well...

Sometimes people are so unhappy, they think that's the only way they can solve their problems.

But Mrs. Young always seemed happy.

Yeah, sometimes people pretend to be one way on the outside when they're totally different on the inside.

Oh, you mean like how dad's girlfriend is always smiling and says nice things, but deep down, you just know she's a bitch?

I don't like that word, Julie.

But, yeah, that's a great example.

Julie: Hey, what's going on?

Sorry I'm late.

Hi, Susan.

Hey.

So, what did Carl say when you confronted him?

You'll love this. He said...

"It doesn't mean anything. It was just sex."

Ah, yes, page one of the philanderer's handbook.

Yeah, and then he got this zen look on his face, and he said, "you know, Susan", most men live lives of quiet desperation."

Please tell me you punched him.

No, I said, "really?"

And what do most women lead, lives of noisy fulfillment?"

Hmm. Good for you.

I mean, of all people, did he have to bang his secretary?

I had that woman over for brunch.

It's like my grandmother always said...

An erect penis doesn't have a conscience.

Even the limp ones aren't that ethical.

This is half the reason I joined the nra.

Well, when Rex started going to those medical conferences, I wanted it in the back of his mind that he had a loving wife at home with a loaded Smith & Wesson.

Lynnie, Tom's always away on business.

Do you ever worry he might?

Oh, please, the man's gotten me pregnant three times in four years.

I wish he was having sex with someone else.

Ha ha ha.

So, Susan, is he going to stop seeing that woman?

I don't know.

I'm sorry, you guys. I just...

I just don't know how I'm going to survive this.

Listen to me.

We all have moments of desperation.

But if we can face them head-on, that's when we find out just how strong we really are.

Susan.

Susan.

I was just saying Paul wants us to go over on Friday.

He needs us to go through Mary Alice's closet and help pack up her things.

He said he can't face doing it by himself.

Sure. That's fine.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

I'm just so angry.

If Mary Alice was having problems, she should have come to us.

She should have let us help her.

What kind of problems could she have had?

She was healthy, had a great home, a nice family.

Her life was...

Our life.

No, if Mary Alice was having some sort of crisis, we'd have known.

She lives 50 feet away, for god's sakes.

Gabby, the woman killed herself.

Something must have been going on.

I wouldn't eat that if I were you.

Why?

I made it. Trust me.

Hey, hey, do you... Do you have a death wish?

No, I just refuse to believe that anybody can screw up macaroni and cheese.

Oh, my god.

How did you...

It tastes like it's burned andundercooked.

Yeah, I get that a lot. Here you go.

Ha ha.

Um...

Ha ha. Thanks.

I'm Mike Delfino.

I just started renting the Simms house next door.

Susan Mayer. I live across the street.

Oh, yeah, Mrs. Huber told me about you.

Said you illustrate children's books.

Yeah, I'm very big with the under-5 set.

Ha ha ha.

What do you do? Plumber.

So if you ever have a clog...

Or something.

Ha ha.

Now that everybody's seen that I brought something, I should probably just throw this out.

Ha ha.

Ow.

Ease up, you little vampire.

Lynette, I've been looking all over for you.

Are you aware of what your sons are doing?

Boy: Cannonball!

What are you doing?

We are at a wake.

When we got here, you said we could go in the pool.

I said you could gobythe pool.

Do you have your swimsuits on?

Yeah, we put them under our clothes before we left.

You three planned this? All right.

That's it. Get out!

No! No?

I am your mother.

You have to do what I say. Come on.

We want to swim, and you can't stop us!

Here, father.

Get out, or I will get in this pool and just grab you. Get out!

Get over here.

Get... get over here!

All right, give me your arm. Get back...

You... ooh!

Move it!

That's right! Get over here!

Go, go, go, go, go!

Move it!

Ugh.

Out! Get out!

Paul, we have to leave now.

Once again, I am so sorry for your loss.

Go.

Mary Alice: Lynette shouldn't have been so concerned about my husband.

He had other things on his mind...

Things below the surface.

Mary Alice: The morning after my funeral, my friends and neighbors quietly went back to their busy, busy lives.

While some did their cooking...

And some did their cleaning...

And some did their yoga...

Others did their homework.

Hi. Shh.

I'm Julie.

I kicked my soccer ball into your backyard.

Oh, okay. Well, let's go around and get it.

Stay.

His wife died a year ago. He wanted to stay in L.A., but there were too many memories.

He's renting for tax purposes, but he hopes to buy a place real soon.

I can't believe you went over there.

Hey, I saw you both flirting at the wake.

You're obviously into each other.

Now that you know he's single, you can ask him out.

Julie, I like Mr. Delfino, I do.

I just, uh, I don't even know if I'm ready to start dating yet.

Oh, you need to get back out there.

Come on. How long has it been since you've had sex?

Are you mad that I asked you that?

No, I'm just trying to remember.

I don't want to talk to you about my love life anymore.

It weirds me out.

I wouldn't have said anything. It's just...

What?

I heard dad's girlfriend ask if you'd dated anyone since the divorce, and dad said he doubted it.

And then they both laughed.

Hey.

Susan. Hi, Mike.

I brought you a little housewarming gift.

I probably should have brought something by earlier, but...

Actually, you're the first in the neighborhood to stop by.

Really?

Susan knew she was lucky.

An eligible bachelor had moved onto Wisteria Lane, and she was the first to find out, but she also knew that good news...

Hello there!

Travels quickly.

Edie britt was the most predatory divorcée in a 5-block radius.

Her conquests were numerous...

Varied...

And legendary.

Hi, Susan. I hope I'm not interrupting.

You must be Mike Delfino.

Hi, I'm Edie.

Britt.

I live over there.

Welcome to Wisteria Lane.

Susan had met the enemy, and she was a slut.

Thank you. Ha ha. What's this?

Sausage putanesca.

It's just something I threw together.

Well, thanks, Edie. Ha ha.

That's great.

I'd invite you both in, but I was sort of in the middle of something.

Oh, I... no problem.

I'm late for an appointment. I just wanted to say hi.

And just like that, the race for Mike Delfino had begun.

For a moment, Susan wondered if her rivalry with Edie would remain friendly.

Oh, Mike. I heard you're a plumber?

But she was reminded that when it came to men...

Do you think you could stop by later tonight and take a look at my pipes?

Women don't fight fair. Sure.

Thanks.

Bye, Susan.

You can't order me around like I'm a child.

Gabrielle.

No. No, no, no. I'm not going.

It's business.

Tanaka expects everyone to bring their wives.

Every time I'm around that man, he tries to grab my ass.

Ha ha. I made over $200,000 doing business with him last year.

If he wants to grab your ass, you let him.

John. Ow.

Mr. Solis. You scared me.

Why is that bush still there?

You were supposed to dig it up last week. I didn't have time last week.

I don't want to hear your excuses.

Just take care of it.

I really hate the way you talk to me.

And I really hate that I spend $15,000 on your diamond necklace that you couldn't live without, but I'm learning to deal with it.

So can I tell Tanaka we'll be there tomorrow night?

John.

We have bandages top shelf in the kitchen.

Thanks, Mrs. Solis.

Fine. I'll go.

But I'm keeping my back pressed against the wall the entire time.

See?

Now this is what a marriage is all about...

Compromise.

Is your finger okay?

Yeah, yeah, it's just a small cut.

Let me see.

Hmm.

You know, Mrs. Solis, um, I really like it when we hook up, but, um, well, you know, I-I got to get my work done, and I can't afford to lose this job.

This table is hand-carved.

Carlos had it imported from Italy.

It cost him $23,000.

You want to do it on the table this time?

Absolutely.

Why can't we ever have normal soup?

Danielle, there is nothing abnormal about basil puree.

Just once, couldn't we have a soup that people have heard of?

Like French onion or Navy bean.

First of all, your father can't eat onions.

He's deathly allergic.

And I won't even dignify your Navy bean suggestion.

So...

How's the osso buco?

It's okay.

It's okay?

Andrew, I spent three hours cooking this meal.

How do you think it makes me feel when you say "it's okay" in that sullen tone?

Who asked you to spend three hours on dinner?

Excuse me?

Tim Harper's mom gets home from work, pops open a can of pork and beans, and boom, they're eating. Everyone's happy.

You'd rather I serve pork and beans?

Apologize now. I am begging.

I'm saying, do you always have to serve cuisine?

Can't we ever just have food?

Are you doing drugs? What?

Change in behavior is one of the warning signs, and you have been as fresh as paint for the last six months.

That certainly would explain why you're always locked in the bathroom.

Trust me, that is not what he is doing.

Shut up.

Mom, I'm not the one with the problem here, all right?

You're the one always acting like she's running for mayor of Stepford.

Rex.

Seeing that you're the head of this household, I would really appreciate you saying something.

Pass the salt?

Mary Alice: Three days after my funeral, Lynette replaced her grief with a much more useful emotion...

Indignation.

Tom, this is my fifth message, and you still haven't called me back.

Well, you must be having a lot of fun on your business trip.

I can only imagine.

Well, guess what...

The kids and I want to have some fun, too, so unless you call me back by noon, we are getting on a plane and joining you.

Mom!

Not now, honey. Mommy's threatening daddy.

Mom. No, I...

Where are your brothers?

Noodles... my favorite.

Lynette Scavo?

Crap.

Natalie klein. I don't believe it.

Lynette. How long has it been?

Years.

Uh, how are you? How's the firm?

Good.

Everyone misses you.

Yeah.

We all say if you hadn't quit, you'd be running the place by now.

Yeah, well...

So...

How's domestic life?

Don't you just love being a mom?

And there it was...

The question that Lynette always dreaded.

Well, to be honest...

For those who asked it, only one answer was acceptable, so Lynette responded as she always did.

She lied.

It's the best job I've ever had.

Boy: Oh, yeah.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

You know what I don't get?

What?

Why you married Mr. Solis.

Well...

He promised to give me everything I've ever wanted.

And did he?

Yes.

Then why aren't you happy?

Turns out I wanted all the wrong things.

So do you love him?

I do.

Well, then, why are we here?

Why are we doing this?

Because I don't want to wake up one morning with a sudden urge to blow my brains out.

Hey, can I have a drag?

Absolutely not.

You are much too young to smoke.

Ah. How would you feel about me using your child-support payments for plastic surgery?

Stop being so nervous.

You're just asking him out to dinner. It's no big deal.

You're right.

So is that your project for school?

You know, when I was in fifth grade, I made the white house out of sugar cubes.

Stop stalling and go before Mike figures out he can do better.

Tell me again why I fought for custody of you.

You were using me to hurt dad.

Oh, that's right.

Oh, god.

Hi.

Hey, Susan.

Are you busy?

No, not at all. What's up?

Well, I...

I just, uh, was wondering if, um...

If there was any chance that you, uh...

I-I just wanted to ask if...

Edie.

Hey there, Susan.

What are you...

I was making ambrosia, and I made too much, so I thought I'd bring some over to Mike.

What's going on?

Uh, Susan was just going to ask me something.

I have a clog.

Excuse me?

And you're a plumber, right?

Yeah.

The clog's in the pipe.

Yeah, that's usually where they are.

Well, I've got one.

Oh, okay. Well, uh, let me get my tools.

Now? You want to come over now?

You have company.

I don't mind.

Yeah, just give me two minutes.

I'll be right over.

That's it. Just stuff the hair down there.

I stuffed it. It's not enough to clog it.

Here. Okay, look.

Put in this peanut butter.

And this cooking oil.

Mom... and these olives.

Mom, I'm telling you, it's not working.

Oh, god.

That's him.

How am I going to stop up the sink?

Well, here's your problem.

Looks like somebody stuffed a bunch of Popsicle sticks down here.

I've told Julie a million times not to play in the kitchen.

Kids, you know?

Ha ha.

All right, I'll go put in your orders, and I'll be right back with your drinks and your plates for the salad bar.

Thank you.

Andrew, Danielle, napkins?

They have video games.

Could we go play until our food gets here?

Andrew, this is family time.

I think that we should all... go ahead and play.

I know that you think I'm angry about coming here, but I'm not.

You and the kids wanted a change of pace, something fun.

I get it.

Probably we'll want something healthier tomorrow night, though.

I'm thinking about chicken saltimbocca.

I want a divorce.

I just can't live in this...

This detergent commercial anymore.

The salad bar's right over there.

Help yourself.

Thank you.

Um, I think I'll go get your salad for you.

Bree Van De Kamp.

Oh.

Hello, Mrs. Huber.

We didn't get a chance to talk at Mary Alice's wake.

How are you doing?

Bree longed to share the truth about her husband's painful betrayal, but sadly for Bree, admitting defeat was not an option.

Great.

Everything is just great.

Okay, well, I got you the honey mustard dressing.

The ranch looked just a little bit suspect.

Are we going to talk about what I said?

If you think I'm going to discuss the dissolution of my marriage in a place where the restrooms are labeled "chicks" and "dudes," you're out of your mind.

What's in this?

What do you mean, what's in this? It's salad.

With... with onions?

What?

You put onions in my salad.

No, I didn't.

Oh, wait.

The sound that awakened my son was something he'd heard only once before, many years ago when he was quite young, but he recognized it instantly.

It was the sound of a family secret.


Mary Alice: Seven days after my funeral, life on Wisteria Lane finally returned to normal, which, for some of my friends...

Was unfortunate.

Mommy, mommy!

Now what?

Daddy's home!

Ha ha.

Hey, is anybody home?

Hey!

Hey.

I wasn't expecting you for a week.

I have to go back to frisco in the morning, but I got your call. You sounded a little frazzled.

Yeah.

It's been a little rough.

Hi. Yeah. Mmm, peaches.

Daddy, did you bring us any presents?

Oh, god, presents. Wait a minute. Let me see.

Oh.

But I'm not going to give it to you unless you promise me to go outside right now and practice throwing it for 20 minutes, okay?

You promise?

Yeah, yeah, yeah! Get out of here. Go.

Who's open? Go out! Deeper! Deeper!

Touchdown!

Oh, my god. Oh.

Ha ha ha.

Oh.

Oh, you got to be kidding.

I'm exhausted. I look terrible.

I'm covered in peaches.

That's all right, baby. I got to have you.

Well, is it okay if I just lie here?

Absolutely. Ha ha.

Ha ha ha.

I love you.

And I love you more.

Oh, baby.

Oh, wait, I got to tell you, I was having trouble with swelling, so the doctor took me off the pill, so you're just going to have to put on a condom.

Condom?

Yeah.

What's the big deal? Let's risk it.

Let's risk it?

Yeah.

Oh.

I can't believe you tried to kill me.

Yes, well, I feel badly about that.

I told you, Mrs. Huber came over, and I got distracted.

It was a mistake.

Since when do you make mistakes?

What's that supposed to mean?

It means I'm sick of you being so damn perfect all the time.

I-I'm sick of the bizarre way your hair doesn't move.

I'm sick of you making our bed in the morning before I've even used the bathroom.

You're this plastic suburban housewife with her pearls and her spatula who says things like "we owe the Hendersons a dinner."

Where's the woman I fell in love with...

Who used to burn the toast and drink milk out of the carton...

And laugh?

I need her.

Not this cold, perfect thing you've become.

These need water.

Bree sobbed quietly in the restroom for five minutes, but her husband never knew, because when Bree finally emerged...

She was perfect.

I found my earrings. We can go now.

Was John here today?

Well, yeah.

The lawn hasn't been mowed.

I've had it.

We're getting a real gardener.

Why? Are you deaf?

I just said he's not doing his job.

It's dark. You just can't see that the lawn has been mowed.

It hasn't been. Feel this grass.

I'm not feeling the grass.

Let's just get going. Come on.

We're late.

Take care of it. Yes, sir.

There's Tanaka.

Time for me to go into my dance.

Good luck, sweetheart.

Oh, excuse me. Ma'am?

You see that man who just walked away?

Can you make sure he has a drink in his hand all night long?

Yes, ma'am.


Ooh!

Ooh!


Susan?

Susan.

Oh, Mrs. Huber, how you doing?

Not too well, I'm afraid.

I'm trying to find something to soothe my stomach.

Oh, it's upset?

Yeah.

I had the worst macaroni and cheese at the wake.

It's been running through me ever since.

Oh.

And I need to be at my best.

Edie britt's son is spending the night tonight.

He's spending the night?

Apparently, Edie is having a gentleman friend over for dinner, and I think she plans on entertaining into the wee hours, if you know what I mean.

Oh, here's some antacid.

Have you ever tried this?

I can't believe it.

This can't be happening.

Mike can't like Edie better than me. He just can't.

You don't know what's going on.

Maybe they're just having dinner.

You're right. They're doing it.

Edie?

Edie?

Hello?

Anybody home?

I need to borrow sugar.

Marvin gaye: ♪ come on ♪

♪ Oh, come on ♪

♪ Whoo ♪

♪ Let's get it on ♪

♪ Ow, baby ♪

♪ Let's get it on ♪

♪ Let's love, baby ♪

♪ Let's get it on ♪ Edie: Oh, my god.

Oh, yes.

Oh, my god. Give it to me.

Mary Alice: And just like that, the possibility Susan had clung to, the maybe of Mike Delfino, was gone forever.

And despite the precariousness of her situation, Susan took a moment to mourn her loss.

Oh!

Oh, my god.

Oh! Oh.

It didn't take Susan long to realize this was just not her night.

Edie: Is somebody out there?

Oh, my god! That's smoke!

Woman on radio: Code 14, call firefighters 130, 92, scout 24, patrolman 42...

Candles unattended in the den.

Paramedics said she was lucky. She could have been killed.

Oh.

She ran out with nothing on.

She was having sex with some guy when the fire started.

What happened to him?

He got smoke inhalation. He's at the hospital.

Susan, are you all right?

You look awful.

I'm fine. I'm fine.

I-I just, uh...

Feel really bad for Edie.

Oh, honey, don't worry about Edie.

She's a strong lady.

Absolutely.

She'll get through this.

She'll find a way to survive.

We all do.

Come on.

Are you ready?

She's lucky to be alive.

All the other houses could have caught on fire.

Wow, what happened?

Mike.

And suddenly, there he was, like a Phoenix rising from the ashes.

I-I thought you were...

Uh, where were you?

I just got back from the movies.

Edie had a fire, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah, but she's fine now.

Everything's fine now.

And just like that, Susan was happy.

Life was suddenly full of...

Possibilities.

Not to mention a few unexpected surprises.

Man: Hello?

Hey, it's me.

Do you have anything yet?

No. No, nothing yet, but don't worry.

I'm definitely getting closer.

Susan: I brought some champagne.

I thought we should have a toast.

The next day, my friends came together to pack away my clothes, my personal belongings, and what was left of my life.

All right, ladies, lift 'em up.

To Mary Alice...

A good friend and neighbor.

Wherever you are, we hope you've found peace.

Bree: To Mary Alice.

To Mary Alice.

Let's get this show on the road.

You guys check out Mary Alice's clothes?

Size 8? Ha.

She always told me she was a size 6.

Guess we found the skeleton in her closet.

Not quite, Gabrielle. Not quite.

What's that?

It's a letter addressed to Mary Alice.

How ironic...

To have something I tried so desperately to keep secret treated so casually.

What are you doing? That's private.

It's open. What's the big deal?

What does this mean?

I don't know, but check out the postmark.

Oh, my god. She got it the day she died.

Do you think this is why she...

I'm so sorry, girls.

I never wanted you to be burdened with this.

Oh, Mary Alice, what did you do?