The Ladies Who Lunch (2005)
Previously on "Desperate Housewives"...
Are you having an affair with my husband?
Mistresses were confronted...
Very good to be back. What's that?
I'm on house arrest. It's a condition of my bail.
How are you going to work? I can't. I can't do anything.
The tables were turned...
Good lord, that's Angela.
And secrets from the past...
I'm afraid you're mistaken. My wife's name was Mary Alice.
Caught up with everyone.
I'm such an idiot. And you're such a liar.
Oh, and apparently, a killer.
Mary Alice: Throughout even the most respectable of neighborhoods, you can hear the sound of scandal.
Some scandals announce themselves with a shout...
Ida Greenberg, that is not your paper!
Some with a whisper...
Throw me a $20, and I'll hook you up with free porn.
And some with a bang.
Get the hell off my lawn!
And once in a great while, there comes a scandal so deliciously sordid, its roar drowns out all other noise.
So your husband...
Does he have any idea how many men pay for the privilege of sleeping in this bed?
There's not a lot of sleeping going on...
Not if I'm doing my job right.
Ha ha ha.
So how do you want to get started?
That's going to cost you extra.
Maisy Gibbons, you're under arrest for solicitation.
Please turn and place your hands on the bed.
I'm sorry. I'm... I'm going to have to ask you to leave now.
Aah! You get off me!
This is entrapment.
You all are making a gigantic mistake.
Yeah, yeah. Hey, fellas, here's one for your memoirs.
Come on. No!
No, don't you touch me!
Would you... Get your hands off me!
Take it easy, Mrs. Gibbons.
Yes, the scandalous arrest of maisy Gibbons would soon prove to be the shot heard 'round the world.
Take it easy. You don't want to ruin that nice...
Man: Take it easy, ma'am.
Maisy: Don't you put me in here!
Mary Alice: It is often said that good news travels fast, but as every housewife knows, bad news moves quite a bit faster.
You are not going to believe this.
Maisy Gibbons was arrested.
You cannot be serious.
Hey, did you hear about maisy?
I let my son spend the night at her house just last week.
Maisy Gibbons running in handcuffs...
I'd have killed to see that.
Stay put. I'll be right back.
Mr. Lenz: Ladies, please calm down, ma'am.
This is just a precaution.
If you'll just take a flyer...
Hey, guys. What's going on?
Oh, there's been an outbreak of head lice.
These flyers detail all the important information concerning the situation, including the recommended delousing combs.
Delousing? Do they have to make it sound so disgusting?
Does anybody know where it started?
I'm sorry. That's confidential information.
Barcliff maintains a strict no-blame policy.
Hey, guys, over here.
I think parents have a right to know who brought this into our school.
Please calm down, ma'am.
Our position is that there's nothing to be gained by pointing fingers.
To identify the child who initiated the outbreak might result in him or her being subjected to ridicule.
I, um, excuse me.
If you'll just take a flyer... Stop scratching.
Stop scratching. Now, now, stop it.
Guys, let's go, okay?
Stop scratching. I mean it. Stop, stop.
Hey. See you later.
Glued into the hair shaft, and can only be removed...
What the hell?
Hey, Gabrielle, I think we got a problem here!
I can't hear you!
I said, I think we got a problem!
The water's backing up here!
Is that sewage?
Yeah, that's sewage.
So, uh, Mike, the suspense is killing us.
Why don't you just tell us the bad news?
Well, your outtake pipe's completely corroded.
That's why it collapsed. I'm going to have to tear it out and repipe the whole system.
And how much is this going to cost?
I'll do the job for you at cost, but you're still looking at 6, 7 grand, minimum.
Okay, well, we'll let you know.
If money's an issue...
Oh, no, no, no, it's not the money.
It's just, uh, Carlos and I are trying to prioritize some little things we need to do around the house.
All right. And, uh, you don't consider sewage backing up in the house a priority?
It's definitely on the short list.
I'm kind of surprised you called me.
Well, um, ever since my arrest, nobody around here seems to want to have much to do with me.
Innocent until proven guilty, my man.
Hope he's more innocent than you are.
Lynette: Hey, it's Lynette.
I know you're down about this Mike thing, but you got to come to poker. It'll be worth it.
I got dirt on maisy Gibbons.
Mike: Hey, Susan, it's me.
Look, I really wish you'd return my calls.
We need to talk. I know I messed things...
You know, I can stay home if you want.
No, no, no.
Now, I know how much you were looking forward to this weekend with your dad.
You don't look fine.
A little sad.
Mike and I were just a fling.
And not even a full fling.
Sort of a borderline fling.
Mom, anyone can see how much you loved him.
Well, I also loved junk food, and I gave that up, and I survived.
There's your father. Go have fun.
Last chance. You're sure?
I'm sure. Now go.
You'll find someone else, mom...
I know it.
What's wrong, Rex? Didn't you enjoy your golf game with Dr. Wallace?
I didn't play.
I'm still feeling sluggish.
Still? Did you talk to him about that?
Yeah, of course. He doesn't understand why the medication isn't working, and he wants me to come in for a checkup tomorrow.
I can see that tish is making the rounds.
She must have some juicy new anecdote.
Yeah, get her over here. I could use a funny story today.
Oh, I can tell by that look on your face you've got something good. Now, come on, don't be selfish.
Well, first off, you're not friends with maisy Gibbons, are you?
Thank god, because this is too good.
Maisy was arrested.
While Harold was at work, she was having sex with men in her house for money.
Can you imagine?
No, I can't.
And that's not even the best part.
Word is she had a little black book with all her clients' names.
You think that'll get out?
Of course. These things always do.
Nancy, wait up. I can't wait to tell you this.
Well, you heard your funny story, Rex.
Why aren't you laughing?
I'll get it.
Aah, aah, aah.
Hi, tami, yeah.
Can we see one of the bugs?
Yeah, here. See?
It's this little white thing. Look.
It looks like a... aw, jeez.
It looks like a sesame seed.
Yeah, well, there's lots more where that came from.
No, I'm... I'm so sorry. He must be so disappointed.
But, look, we'll get all the boys together once Topher's back on his feet.
What'd tami want?
She's canceling Topher's birthday party on sunday. He's come down with the measles, so...
Tami Brennan spent a fortune on Topher's party.
She'd call in specialists from Switzerland before she'd let it be canceled.
Why would tami lie to us?
Because she saw Porter scratching his head at school.
They all did, and now word's getting around.
Why is everything a conspiracy theory with you?
Lots of kids get lice. They're not that big a deal.
Well, it is for the rich b-i-t-c-hs at barcliff academy.
It's been one day, and they've been disinvited to a birthday party.
If rumors start flying, these boys can kiss campouts and pool parties goodbye.
Yeah, not so cool now, huh?
It's all here.
Appraisal, title search, and escrow documents.
Again, I'm sorry about changing my mind, but this just isn't really a good time to sell the house.
Zach's going through a lot, and he wants to finish high school before moving.
Ah, forget it. It's part of the business.
I expect to get screwed over.
Now, where is your house key?
Oh, I must have left it at home.
I'll bring it by tonight.
No one will be here. Zach's away on a school trip, and I'm going to mount pleasant on business today.
Just drop it by tomorrow.
Or I could just keep it.
It's a joke, Paul.
I know your wife's dead and all, but it's been six months. Lighten up.
Oh, hi, Felicia.
Edie, I found this in my sister's things.
It has your name on it.
Oh, you know...
I lent this to Martha three months ago, and she said that it went down the drain.
Oh, I miss how we used to steal things from one another.
I heard they have a suspect in your sister's murder.
Oh, he didn't kill her.
But they found her jewelry in his garage.
But his fingerprints weren't on any of it.
Well, that just means he wore gloves.
So he's smart enough to use gloves, but he leaves her blood-spattered jewelry lying around for anyone to find?
Is that what you'd do if you killed someone?
I don't know what goes through the mind of a murderer.
I'm just saying I wouldn't trust him if I were you.
That is lovely.
Is it an antique?
Yeah, I think so.
You know, I know a store you would love.
It specializes in antique jewelry.
It's in salt lake city.
Have you ever been to salt lake city?
No, I try to steer clear of Utah.
It's a little too... Conservative for me.
Have you ever been, Paul?
I used to live there when I was a nurse.
You should definitely go sometime.
Ha ha. Bye.
Mary Alice: With no indoor plumbing, Gabrielle was now forced to improvise when it came to her personal hygiene wherever and whenever she had the opportunity.
Edie: That's okay.
I was just about to give a maisy Gibbons update.
Guys, we should be ashamed of ourselves for reveling in that woman's misery.
That being said, Edie, please continue.
Well, I hear from a very reliable source that maisy's going to cut a deal with the prosecution.
Apparently, she has some high-profile Johns, and the d.A.'S looking for a second term.
I don't get it.
I don't get who would pay maisy for sex.
Obviously, someone who's not getting it at home.
Ha ha ha.
So the upshot is maisy is going to turn over her little black book with all of her clients' names.
Yep. I mean, can you imagine the fallout when this goes public?
Ooh, blood on the walls.
Gabrielle: I'm all in.
Lynette: I'll call.
Uh, what just happened?
The stakes were raised.
Yes, yes, they were.
I can't believe how lucky you were today.
Luck had nothing to do with it.
I had crappy cards.
I was bluffing the entire time.
Really? Wow, you're good.
Oh, that's the only nice thing I could say about my first husband...
He taught me how to bluff.
He played poker?
No, he was lousy in bed.
I had to fake a lot of orgasms.
Ha ha. You don't have to respond.
Where was Susan today?
Uh, I'm not sure.
Wow, Tom must be great in bed.
Well, obviously, you have no idea how to bluff.
Okay. She's going through something, and I'm sure she'd prefer it to be private.
She's upset with Mike, isn't she?
Well, come on.
I'm going to find out sooner or later.
She's devastated about the breakup, and she hasn't left the house in days.
Well, why didn't you just tell me that?
Because it's personal. It's the kind of thing she would only want me to tell her friends.
I'm Susan's friend.
Well, I don't hate her.
Edie, if you want me to share stuff with you, you're going to have to start being more supportive of Susan.
What do friends do?
They call, they're sympathetic, they ask about the pain the other person is going through, and then they listen.
What if you want to be supportive, but you just can't stand listening to people bitch?
Then it's good to know how to bluff.
Man: Congratulations. Thank you.
Thank you, thank you.
I know. It's very exciting.
You know, I really think you do deserve this award.
God, I have to go to the bathroom again.
Go to Bree's.
I've been to Bree's twice today.
Then go to Susan's.
I hate Susan's.
She has all these weird scented candles.
Her house reeks of apricot. Hose.
How about Lynette's?
No, you don't understand.
I don't want to go to anybody's house anymore.
I'm tired of knocking on doors and making up excuses as to why we haven't fixed our plumbing.
Why are you yelling at me?
Because it's your fault. My fault?
Yes. If you hadn't gotten yourself indicted, we would have pipes right now.
I got indicted trying to make enough money to keep you happy.
In case you hadn't noticed, you're a little materialistic.
When the Johnsons bought their new 7-series, you were the one who went right in and traded in his car for something better.
Who ended up driving it?
You know what?
I don't have time to fight right now.
I have laundry to do.
Mrs. Scavo, right? The twins' mother?
I just wanted to tell you that the boys are now...
Ha ha... lice-free.
Good to hear.
I just can't figure out how it happened.
They get a bath every night.
Trust me, it's the ugliest 15 minutes of the day.
I believe you.
I keep thinking that maybe it was the petting zoo that I took them to last week.
That llama was really iffy.
Mrs. Scavo, it doesn't work that way.
Lice only spreads from human to human.
Even the cleanest kid in the world can get it if he gets too close to the wrong kid.
Yes. So don't be so hard on yourself, huh?
Still, I can't help but feel a little guilty.
After all, my kids started an entire lice outbreak.
Look, your, uh, your kids didn't start it.
I know for a fact that patient zero was another little boy.
This is his fourth time with this particular problem.
That is a load off my mind.
Well, thank you.
So which kid is it?
I can't tell you.
You know we have a no-blame policy.
We have to protect the children. You understand.
No, I don't. You're going to have to give me a name.
Here's the thing...
Acting like parents won't assign blame is like pretending they don't keep score at pee-wee league games.
It's human nature. If you don't give the moms someone to blame, they'll pick a scapegoat.
I can't let my boys be the scapegoat.
Please don't put me in this position.
I'm begging you.
They've already been uninvited from a birthday party, a really big birthday party with a bouncy house and a hot dog stand and a clown.
I wish I could help you, but...
For god's sakes, there's going to be a magician.
Tami Brennan went all out.
Well, isn't that interesting.
Have a seat.
Mary Alice: Meanwhile, at the Fairview county prison, maisy Gibbons was delighted to find out she had a visitor, but she was soon reminded one should always beware of visitors...
Bearing gift baskets.
You've got to be kidding me.
♪ Ta-da ♪ Ha ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha.
Stuff like this is why I love you.
Ha ha ha ha.
What brings you here?
I need a favor.
I thought as much.
I heard that there's a, um, little black book with the name of your clients in it.
I was wondering if, perhaps, you could remove Rex's name from that little book.
Wow, that's a big favor.
Those muffins better be really good.
I have some money that I've been putting aside for emergencies.
It can be all yours if you just...
Keep my mouth shut?
Continue to be discreet.
I don't know.
I don't think it's asking that much.
All you need to do is remove one little name.
But if I do it for you, then I have to do it for all the other wives.
That wouldn't be fair, now, would it?
I mean, we used to be good friends.
Ah. Where were you when Harold lost his job a year ago, huh?
Did you stop by to see if there was anything that you could do?
Did you bring a big basket of baked goods when you knew we couldn't even pay our bills?
If you did, those displays of friendship seem to have slipped my mind.
Maisy, I didn't mention it when you were having financial troubles because...
I thought it would embarrass you.
Yes, I would have been embarrassed, but it would have been a whole lot better than the silence.
I have $14,000 in that account.
It can all be yours.
I'm not interested.
But you do get credit for one thing.
You came to visit me, even if it was for an ulterior motive.
None of the other girls from the club even bothered.
I've been abandoned.
Guess that's what happens when you become the town whore.
They didn't abandon you because you're a whore.
They abandoned you because you weren't all that nice to begin with.
Who is it?
Edie: It's Edie!
Oh, Edie, not now. I'm kind of busy.
Or just come on in.
What are you doing?
I decided that my life is way too complicated, and so I'm simplifying.
I am getting rid of the clutter.
I was on vacation.
Made sense at the time.
Okay, not to be rude, but is there a reason you're here?
I'm feeling badly about what you're going through with Mike.
And don't worry. I'm not going to date him.
Doesn't matter anymore.
Well, don't get me wrong, I still have every intention of sleeping with him.
Some mountains are just meant to be climbed.
I got to learn to keep my doors locked.
How long have you been sitting here?
I don't know.
Five minutes, give or take three hours.
That's it. Get up.
Get dressed. Why?
'Cause you're coming with me. It's time to get wasted.
Happy hour started 45 minutes ago.
Why would I go anywhere with you?
Because that's what normal women do when they get depressed.
They put on short skirts, they go to bars with their girlfriends, maybe have one too many and then make out with some strange man in the back of a dark alley.
Oh, come on.
It'll be fun, I swear.
Come on. Come on.
Why do you even care?
I never said I cared.
I guess I know what it's like to have your heart stomped on.
All right. Give me a minute. I'll go change my clothes.
And don't forget to do something with that skanky hair.
You're a little scary-looking.
Billy ocean: ♪ beat as one ♪
♪ Ooh, yeah ♪
♪ No more love on the run ♪ Ah.
What about him?
Not my type.
Oh, look, I know the pickins are slim, but isn't there someone here that you're attracted to?
I hate them all.
Look at them just leering at us.
They're so damn cocky, like they know they have the upper hand.
What are you talking about? Wehave the upper hand.
Without us, they have nothing.
Maybe 15 years ago. Not anymore.
Now we're just lonely and desperate, and they know it, and they just sit there ready to pounce, you know, waiting for us to take any crumb they're willing to throw our way.
I don't want crumbs. I want Mike.
I'm going to be spending the whole night with her, so I'm going to be needing a lot more of these.
It's just so hard to find a guy like Mike.
I know in my heart he didn't kill Mrs. Huber.
Okay, let's say Mike's a peach and he didn't kill Martha.
I don't know. Obviously, a bad guy.
Somebody really awful, somebody like...
Somebody like Paul young.
Paul? Ha ha.
Are you serious?
I'm telling you, he's hiding something.
He clams up every time we try to ask him about Mary Alice.
And then when we found out about Dana...
Dana. Who's Dana?
Paul and Mary Alice had a baby that died.
Zach killed her.
Holy crap. Who told you that?
He said it was an accident, but I'm telling you, I think that's why Mary Alice was being blackmailed.
Mary Alice was being blackmailed?
Yeah. The girls and I found a threatening note in her stuff.
What the hell kind of street do we live on?
I don't know.
Come to think of it, the other day, Paul was talking to Felicia, and he was working overtime trying to make Mike sound guilty.
See? Shifting blame onto someone else...
That's classic criminal behavior.
Oh, I'm telling you, he's up to no good.
Zach and Paul are out of town. Maybe we should sneak into their house and do some snooping.
I have a key.
Oh, my god, yes. We should do that.
Oh, come on. I was just kidding.
No, Edie, this is our chance.
We should just go in for 10 minutes.
Susan, that's breaking and entering.
Martha Huber was your best friend.
If we could find out who really killed her, wouldn't that be worth the risk?
Man: Have a nice evening.
Serena, hi. How are you?
I talked to Dr. Wallace today.
He still has no idea why the medication isn't working.
He told me he's thinking of running more tests.
I told him I'm thinking about getting a second opinion.
Rex, this might sound silly, but are people staring at us?
What's going on?
Well, I could be wrong, but I suspect that...
Maisy Gibbons' client list has been released.
You think they're laughing at us?
No, I think they're laughing at you.
I think they feel sorry for me, which is just as mortifying.
What are we going to do?
We're going to act like nothing is happening, and then, when we finish eating, we're going to walk out of here with all the dignity that we can muster.
Please, let's go now.
Oh, no. I refuse to give them this kind of satisfaction.
Open your menu.
Everybody's staring, Bree. It's humiliating.
Well, you should have thought of that before you left a personal check on maisy Gibbons' nightstand.
All right, you stay here if you want to. I'm leaving.
If you walk out of this restaurant, I will scream.
Bree... I will scream about your cruelty.
Then I will scream about your infidelity.
And then just to make sure it really hurts, I will scream about your distasteful sexual habits.
You want to know what true humiliation is, you just take one step.
So, what are you having?
The veal looks good.
So what are we looking for, exactly?
An embroidered pillow that says "I killed Martha Huber"?
I don't know. Just something suspicious.
Mmm, smells expensive.
Do you believe in evil, Edie?
Of course I believe in evil. I work in real estate.
There's something about this house that's just so cold and creepy.
You couldn't tell when Mary Alice was alive.
She just brought so much warmth and light.
Now there's something...
I can just taste it. Can't you sense it?
The only thing I can sense is that you've had too much to drink.
Oh, something happened in this house, something so awful we can't even imagine it.
Son of a bitch.
Are you okay?
I just stubbed my toe.
Oh, my god... Angela.
Angela... that's what Mary Alice used to call herself.
What are you talking about?
We heard it on this tape that Bree stole from her therapist's office.
It's a long story. I'll tell you later.
Oh, we got to put this in.
What was that?
I think it's Paul.
You said he was going to be gone.
Well, I guess I was wrong.
I got to get the tape.
Oh! Oh! Oh!
God, you scared me.
I'm sorry. I see that you, uh, made it back from mount pleasant.
What... what are you doing here?
Well, I came by to bring you your key.
I was just about to leave you a note.
You're returning my key at 11:30 at night.
What the hell's going on here?
We're too old to be playing games.
My note was going to tell you that I, uh...
I-I wasn't kidding this afternoon.
I really would like to keep a key to your place...
To use if the...
Mood strikes me.
Ha ha. You've been drinking.
Just enough to get up the courage to tell you how I feel about you.
Obviously, you're uncomfortable about this, so i-I'm really sorry if I embarrassed you.
Here's your key.
I'll see you around.
I'm not embarrassed. Huh?
Susan, talk to me.
Mike, it's not a good time.
I'm a little drunk and a little freaked out.
Why haven't you returned any of my messages?
We're broken up. I thought I made that pretty clear.
Oh, come on. Can't we work this out?
You lied to me.
When? When did I lie to you?
The police showed me your rap sheet.
You killed a man.
You can't believe I'm some cold-blooded killer.
Well, of course I don't believe that, but I also didn't believe that Karl was going to cheat on me, and I didn't believe that Mary Alice was going to kill herself.
I mean, let's face it, Mike...
Blind faith is not my friend.
I was going to tell you.
There just wasn't a right moment.
See? Now that's a lie, too, because there were plenty of right moments.
Susan... every time we went out for pizza, you could have said, "oh, and by the way, I once killed a man."
Or when you said, "hey, let's go jogging," you could have said, "well, by the way, I once killed a man."
Every time we went to the movies and the hero shot the bad guy, you could have turned to me and said, "oh, and by the way, I did that once." You didn't.
Do you want to hear what happened or not?
It doesn't matter, because I will never believe anything you say ever again.
Well, at the very least, you can believe that.
Carlos, I have to go.
Well, you're going to have to wait.
Why should I have to wait? It's my port-a-potty.
What do you mean, it's yours?
I'm the one who stole it.
Babe, I'm sorry.
You're just going to have to wait.
Thank you so much, Bree.
Seeing your tile has really helped me make my decision.
Next time I remodel, I am using limestone.
Gabrielle, is everything okay?
Well, it's just that you've been acting kind of odd lately.
In what way?
Well, you keep coming up with excuses to use everyone's bathroom, and then two days ago, Mr. Cowley looked into your back yard and saw you and Carlos doing your laundry in the jacuzzi.
Well, uh, there's a simple explanation for that.
Are you and Carlos having some sort of money trouble?
Gabby, it's okay if you are.
Is that so?
Yes, and... And to tell you the truth, I'm a little insulted. I am a good friend.
Why would you feel like you have to hide that from me?
I don't know.
Probably for the same reason you didn't tell me Rex was one of maisy's clients.
That is obviously different.
Because it happened to you?
Bree, this is how I see it...
Good friends support each other after they've been humiliated.
Great friends pretend nothing happened in the first place.
Good luck on your remodel.
And please tell Rex I said hello.
I see Topher's made a speedy recovery.
Can we go play?
Yeah, sure, boys. Have fun.
Whoo! Let's go play in the bounce house!
Let's go! Let's go! Come on!
All right, you caught me. I lied.
But, uh, you sure have some nerve, crashing a 6-year-old's birthday party.
Just so you know, I got Topher a set of bongo drums.
I know you'll love them as much as he will.
Charlie, come on out of there!
I don't want you playing with those Scavo boys!
Uh, Mona, please. I'm sure they're clean.
Ha ha ha ha.
You are not ruining my party.
All right, Porter, Preston, okay, out, out, out.
Come on. Porter, Preston, let's go.
No, not... not... not quite yet.
Boys, keep bouncing. That's right.
Oh, by the way, I spoke to nurse Abigail.
I know who patient zero is.
All right, that's it, kids. Get out.
Out, out, out. Go, go.
How could you do that?
Look, this party meant everything to Topher.
I couldn't risk people not showing up.
He would be devastated. I had to do something.
And the best you could come up with was letting my kids take the fall?
Hey, I hardly had to say anything.
People were already suspicious.
Yeah, it's true. Let's face it...
Your boys aren't the cleanest kids on the planet.
That was not a smart thing to say.
Where are you going?
I'm going to tell the truth to every mother out there, and then I'm going to take back the bongos.
No, wait, okay, all right.
Look, I wa... I was wrong. I admit it.
I am really, really, really sorry.
Too little, too late.
No, I'll... I'll tell everyone that I was wrong, that your kids aren't the ones.
Please, I'm begging you.
Well, why are you standing there?
Get to it.
Well, um, I've been doing some thinking.
Rex and I have been members of the Fairview country club for years, and...
Well, lately, it seems to have lost some of its exclusivity, and so I've decided not to renew our membership.
I'd rather see the money go to someone I care about.
Oh, Bree, I-I can't take that.
Gabby, this is the way I see it...
Good friends offer to help in a crisis.
Don't take no for an answer.
We're going to pay you back every cent.
Take your time.
Mary Alice: Yes, everyone loves a scandal...
No matter how big or small.
What could be more entertaining than watching the downfall of the high and mighty?
What could be more amusing than the public exposure of hypocritical sinners?
Yes, everyone loves a scandal.
And if for some reason, you're not enjoying the latest one...
The next one is always around the corner.