Desperate Housewives S1E17 Script

There Won't Be Trumpets (2005)

Previously on "Desperate Housewives"...

The police showed me your rap sheet.

You killed a man.

You want to hear what happened or not?

It doesn't matter, because I will never believe anything you say ever again.

Sometimes unexpected visitors...

Do you think she's cheating on you? I think so.

I'll take care of it. Thank you, mama.

Lead to unexpected consequences.

Andrew, you almost killed another human being.

She's lived her life. I have my whole life ahead of me, and now it might be screwed up.

Mary Alice: In the coma ward at sacred heart hospital, the dreams begin just after midnight.

The pitch black of night gives way to vivid images that comfort the dreamer until the morning.

Gus the custodian dreams of someday winning the lottery and quitting his thankless job.

Howard the security guard envisions a luxurious retirement in the tropics.

Ruthanne the night nurse fantasizes about leaving her husband.

But the most vivid dreams of all belong to the patient in room 312.

Yes, juanita solis had been dreaming steadily for five months.

Sometimes of the shocking secret she had uncovered.

Other times...

She dreamt of the accident that had put her in the hospital.

But her most common dream was the one in which she finally told her son the truth.


And then one night, juanita solis decided it was time to wake up.

Ahem. Hello?

Is anybody here?


I have to call my son!

Even though she knew she was about to die, juanita didn't care.

The truth was finally going to come out.

Tell my son his wife is cheating on him.

Oh, my god.

Sadly for juanita, this was one dream that would never come true.

What? What?

Aw. Aw.

Mary Alice: We all honor heroes for different reasons.

Sometimes for their bravery, sometimes for their daring, sometimes for their goodness.

But mostly we honor heroes because at one point or another, we all dream of being rescued.

Susan, I know you're in there. We have to talk.

This is crazy.

I know.

Everything the cop said to you is true.

I did kill somebody.

But there's one thing they didn't tell you.

I killed for you, Susan.

Susan, if I can't have you, no one else can.

Shut up.

Susan, are you home?

Susan, your car is here. I know you're in there.

I was hoping we could talk for a minute.

Susan, maybe you should have waited till I left to do that.

All right, look, I know you don't want to see me right now, but I owe you an explanation, and it's all in there... All of it.

Everything you ever wanted to know about my past, about my reasons for doing what I did.

It's all there.


Guys, come on. What are you doing?


You know, just bonding, discussing current events.

Hey, seriously, listen, if you guys would have just parked across the street, I could have let you go.

So why don't you just pretend like we did?

Get out of the car.

Hey. Hey!

Hey, stop your car!

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

I can't believe it.

Two months from graduation, he gets expelled.

You know, we are just lucky that that security guard did not press charges.

So what are we going to do?

Well, I'm glad that you asked.

What are these?

They're brochures for youth detention centers.

How long have you had these?

They've been in the drawer for a few months.

I had a feeling we might be needing them.


I don't know.

We have to admit that we need help.

If we can't get through to Andrew, then we have to find someone who can.

You really want to send our son away to some prison camp?

Oh, come on. Don't be so dramatic.

I mean, some of these places actually look fun.

Look... camp hennessy.

"Camp hennessy teaches kids

"respect for authority and boundaries in a summer camp-like atmosphere."

The perimeter is surrounded by an electrified fence.

Well, you have to admit, that's an efficient way to teach respect for boundaries.

Okay, how about this one? It's perfect for Andrew.

It's a ranch in Montana.

It has lots of fresh air and plenty of open spaces and daily classes on anger management.

I'm... I'm not comfortable with this.

All right, how about this one?

It's in the desert, and it's very reasonable.

Barracks are a little bit bleak, but that recidivism rate is to die for.

Bree, I'm not doing it. I'm not sending my son away.

It's easy for you, isn't it?

You're not the one he's openly rude to.

You're not the one he challenges every day.

You're not the one he hates.

I'll talk to him, all right?

I'll sit him down for a little old-fashioned heart-to-heart.

You talk to him all you want.

I'm going to check out the place with the electrified fence.

Listen, my children, and you shall hear of the midnight ride of Paul revere.

Hang a lantern aloft in the belfry arch of the north church tower.

One if by land, two if by sea, and I on the opposite shore will be.

Um, hi.

I wanted to introduce myself to your mom. I'm Lynette Scavo.

Hi, Lynette. I'm alisa Stevens.

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought... No, no. I read lips.


But a lot of the time, signing is just easier.

I don't like to misunderstand or to be misunderstood.

And I'm Lily.

Oh, hi. Nice to meet you, Lily.

That's my son Matt.

My twins talk about Matt all the time.

We should set up a play date.

That sounds great.

Let's have dinner, too.

I'd love to.

The British are coming! The British are coming! Get him!

Even better, let's just keep it adults.

Babe, they blinked.

We got 'em by the short hairs.

Who? Who blinked?

The d.A.

I just spoke with the lawyers. They offered a plea bargain.

And that's good?

It means they know they got a weak case.

They don't think they can win.

It's over.

Oh, my god.

Honey, that means we can keep the house.

No, we still have to sell the house.

I got to pay the lawyers.

But I thought you said they offered a plea bargain.

Yeah, but we're not going to take that.

Put me down.


It would mean me going to jail for eight months.

I think that's pretty reasonable, considering you're guilty as sin.

You said that you were fine with selling the house.

That was before I knew we could trade a couple of months in prison to keep it.


No, this is her daughter-in-law.

Is it the hospital?

Is it mama?


Thank you. Yes.


I'm sorry, Carlos.

Mary Alice: Some believe people are judged by the way they live life, and others by the way they leave it.

I like the Lexington mahogany with gold leaf.

Comes with a pink velvet interior and drapes.

Plus, it's hand-engraved, so in case of a flood or earthquake, they'll at least be able to know which one is hers.

Don't you think that's a little over the top?

Only the best for mama.

No, honey, these funeral homes make a fortune trying to convince people to overspend.

What are you saying?

Well, I'm saying your mother was a sensible woman.

She wouldn't be comfortable with all these bells and whistles.

Maybe this one... wood veneer.

What? You never liked mama.

Well, it's awfully hard to like someone who actively hates your guts.

She always thought you married beneath you, and she let me know it.

She loved you.

She treated me like trash.

God rest her soul.

I'm putting my mother in the grave.

Now is not the time to pinch pennies.

Carlos, we're not exactly flush with cash right now.

Let her be true to her roots.

She was born humble and barefoot.

She was a queen.

So what did Mike say when he gave you the letter?

That it explains everything.

Well, does it? I haven't read it.

Well, why the hell not? I just can't.

You're a better woman than me.

I would have ripped that open with my teeth.

Aren't you dying to know what he wrote?

Yes. But what if it's just a bunch of farfetched stories?

Well, you should assume that it is.


Well, think about how good men are at lying on the spot.

I mean, god forbid you should give them time and a pen.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Hey, Edie, you mind stopping by the site later?

I have blueprints of the master bath.

Oh, I'll see you in a few, bill.

That's my new contractor. We're sort of dating.

Didn't you once say you never mix business with pleasure?

No, I said never mix pleasure with commitment.


So, Susan, what are you going to do with the letter?

And for Pete's sake, would you open it up already?


No, I won't.

I don't trust Mike anymore, and without trust...

No, no. I'm just going to go in and rip it up and throw it in the trash.

Why wait? Why don't we just rip it up now?

No, no, no, no. Uh, that's okay.

I don't want to, you know, litter.

She is so opening that letter.

While Carlos was making arrangements to Bury his mother, Gabrielle was making sure she'd be taking her secret to the grave.

Hi. I'm Gabrielle solis. You're nurse... Heisel?

Yes. Hi.

Um, yes, when you called and said you were coming down, I, uh, collected all the personal things that your husband brought in during juanita's, uh, stay with us.

I assume that that's why you're stopping by.

Oh, that's so thoughtful of you, but, actually, no.


No, you see, my husband and I still don't have a clear account as to how juanita passed.


Yes. Did she die quietly, in her sleep?

Uh, yeah, that's usually how it happens.

I mean, I'm pretty sure that that's how it happened.

Pretty sure.

I mean, I don't know it exactly, because I wasn't with her at that time.


Was anyone with her?

An orderly, candy striper... Anyone.


She was alone.

Thank you so much. That's all I needed to hear.

Oh, Mrs. Solis.

Oh, you can just toss that.

Great. Just great.

I think this is yours.


Yeah, I've been looking for this one.


I don't suppose you have any idea where I found it.

Well, those little suckers are drawn to bare feet and car tires, and since you're not limping or bleeding...

This is only temporary. You're going to need to take this tire in to get it fixed.

Thanks. I will.

Seriously, it's not safe.

You're probably only going to get 20, 30 miles out of it.

All right, I promise.

Hey, listen...

I'm about to break for lunch. How would you like to join me?


Yeah. Lunch.

Are you asking me out on a date?

That sounds kind of formal for a burrito and a can of soda, but, yeah, I guess I am.

Aren't you dating Edie?

We went out on a date. We're not dating.


So how about it? I'm buying.

Yeah, I just got out of this relationship with this guy Mike, and it's kind of complicated...

Anyway, I'm just not even sure where I am right now emotionally.

I'm just all jumbled up, and I don't think I can leap right into something new relationship-wise, you know, at the moment.

Again, just a burrito.

Ha ha.

I'm sorry.

Okay, I understand.

Sounds like you need a little time to reflect and heal.

I do. I really do.


I'll check back with you again tomorrow.

This is so delicious.

I don't know how you find the time with four kids.

Only for first-time guests.

Normally you'd be having chicken fingers and cartoon-shaped macaroni.

If that.

Hey. Shut up.

Tom, you're in advertising, right?


I worked five years at Simon and Scott.

I started at Simon and Scott.

Ha ha ha ha.

I hated those guys.

Ha ha ha.

We have to talk.

So who do you... Do you know that...

Well, it's all over now.

They'll be talking shop for the rest of the night.

Alisa loves talking about alisa.

Well, Lynette loves talking about Lynette, too.

Oh, I don't believe that for a second.

You and your husband seem pretty solid.

We're going through some tough stuff.

We're, um, in counseling.

Oh, really? More steak?

It was her idea.

It's not the most pleasant way to spend an hour.

Basically, I look at the clock and she blames me for everything.

I don't think you should be talking about alisa with her...


It's okay. It's not like she can hear.

Maybe I'll have some more of that, uh, potato stuff.

He actually said those things with her just sitting right there.

It was really nasty, and he wouldn't shut up, either.

I can't believe you said we'd play tennis with them.

Honey, that was before I knew that he was a jerk.

She was great.

Look... look what she taught me.

Means "I love you."

Yeah, that's great. What am I going to do?

What do you mean?

Well, obviously, she needs to be told.

No, no, no, no, she doesn't.

This is between Dennis and alisa.

How can I ignore this?

And I quote, "it's not like she can hear."

Lynette, you're starting to ramp up into that whole meddling thing that you do.

Excuse me?

Let me just handle it. Let's avoid a big thing.

Are you saying I can't be tactful?

You know what?

If he says something when we play tennis, I will take him aside man to man and say, "that's not cool."

Are you saying I'm not tactful?

Ow. Ow, ow, ow.

Andrew, I need you to take out the trash.


Now, not five hours from now.

I'm going, I'm going. God.

Um, I'm meeting Justin at the mall tonight, so I'm going to need 40 bucks.



You no longer get an allowance.

Fine. I'm not taking out the trash.


What are you going to do, torture me?

Go ahead. I can take it.

What I want, what I have always wanted, is for you to be happy.

And you're not, and I have no idea how to help you.

Well, you can start by getting out of the way.

I will not. We're going to talk about this now.

I said get out of the way.

The next time you touch your mother like that, I'm going to throw you through this wall.

You understand me?

Oh, Edie, wait up. I-I want to ask you something.

I can't stop. I've got to keep my heart rate up.

I was just wondering how you'd feel if I went out with bill.


Um, bill asked me out.

Bill? My bill?

Well, see, that's the thing...

He doesn't think of himself as your bill, 'cause he said that date was just a one-time thing.

Which I know because when he asked me out, I told him I thought you guys were involved.

So you haven't agreed to go out with him.

No. No, I wanted to check with you first.

Wow, that was nice of you.

So can I?



Edie, why can't I go out with him?

Because I saw him first.

Ha ha.

Come on, that's a really third grade thing to say.

Look, you asked my permission. I said no.

That should be the end of it.

Well, you know, technically, I don't need your permission.

You know, I so much want to like you, but you just won't let me.


Susan, you know, I try.

I try to look past your flaws...

Your klutziness, that... that faux vulnerability, your hair.

But you look for ways to push my buttons.

He just wants to buy me a burrito.

Susan, please, let me like you.


I won't go out with him.

I mean, obviously, you have feelings for him.

No, I don't.

I really don't.

So what, then?

If you can't have him, nobody can?


Now you're thinking like a friend.

♪ Ave Maria ♪

♪ Gratia plena ♪ What a voice.

You have to hand it to them...

They do grief better than anyone.

♪ Gratia plena ♪ So how much did that horse and buggy set us back?

Do you mind?

Being poor? A little.

Eyes front, padre.

I can't believe Edie.

She doesn't have dibs on every man on the planet.

If I want to go out with bill, I should be able to.

I thought you weren't even into him.

Well, neither is she, and if she's not into him, why can't I not be into him?

I'm going to mourn now.

What's going on? Why are we slowing down?

Because we're almost there.

What is that? The family who owned it couldn't afford the maintenance payment.

I got an amazing deal.

A crypt? You bought your mother a crypt?

Keep quiet. You're making a scene.

Oh, that's it. I cannot be a part of this.

I can't do it.


Stop acting like a child.

A-Are we supposed to be following them?

I don't know. I mean, maybe it's part of the ritual.

Go to hell, Carlos.

All right, people, we're going to follow the body.

This way, please. Come along.

This is too much. The only reason I agreed to give up the house was because I thought I was going to get a gorgeous little apartment.

Now I'm not even going to get that.

What do you want me to do?

Take the plea.


Yeah. You did the crime.

Why should I have to pay the price?

Just suck it up, be a man, and do the time.

Gabby, you're being ridiculous.

Am I? All I want is the same respect that you gave your dead mother.

Gabby, please. At least she's going to have a roof over her head.


Oh. Was that in?

Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

Tom: Nice try.

God, alisa, you're deaf, not blind.

It was a close call.

That's telling him.

I'm waiting for my moment.

You think her tennis stinks, you should try her cooking.



I should have mentioned that my tennis is much better than my cooking.

Hey. Hey.

That was fun. You play really well.

Thank you. Give me a break.

She serves underhand, for god's sake.

What's your problem? Excuse me?

Hey, do you have any bottled water over there?

Because my electrolytes get all wacky when I sweat.

She's your wife.

How can you talk about her like that?

Let me tell you what Saint alisa is saying with that phony smile plastered on her face.

"Move your ass, Dennis."

"Nice love handles, Dennis."

"Try switching your deodorant, Dennis."

All right, enough. If you've got issues with your wife, tellher.

We're in counseling.

Yeah, well, it's not working too well if you have to unload on a perfect stranger, is it? If you're unhappy in your marriage, do something instead of just complaining, 'cause, frankly, I don't want to hear it.

Hey, let's trade partners.



I'll play with you.



You did not take this in.

This should hold, but...

You've got to take it in.

Thank you. I know. I'm going to.

I-It's on the top of my list.


That was hard work.

Would you like a glass of water and maybe an excuse to come in and talk to me?

Ha ha. That sounds great.

So it's tomorrow.

I told you I'd check back in on that date.

Bill, um...

I have my reasons.

Am I hideous?

Oh, god, no.

No, you are just so incredibly not hideous.

Thank you.

I think.

See, now, maybe it's the word "date" that's throwing me off.

Look, I just want to have some fun.

You know, dinner, drinks.

No strings attached.

Okay, I'll go out with you.

Great. I know this little place, out of the way.

You're going to love it.

Whatcha doing?

Making an emergency list for you so you'll know who to call in case the roof leaks or the power goes out. Why?

I'm taking the plea bargain.

So you can keep the house.

When I buried my mother, I did it with respect, and I don't regret a single penny, but I'm the one that got us into the position that we're in, and the moment I did, I stopped respecting you.

And that's not right.

You are so brave.

It's not without strings.

I need you to promise me that you're going to be here when I get out.

Well, that's a ridiculous thing to say.

I'm not going anywhere.

And I need you to promise me that you'll be faithful while I'm gone.

Yeah. Of course.

Gabrielle, I'm no fool.

You're a beautiful woman, and I understand that you have needs.

But I'm a very jealous and possessive man, and I need to hear you say it.

I promise.

Okay, then.

Tomorrow morning, we'll go and see the lawyers.

I love you.

I love you, too.

And just so you know...

I'm going to hold you to that promise.

What's going on?

Did grandma die?

Uh, no, she's fine.

Listen, Andrew...

Sweetheart, it's been clear to us for some time now that you've been unhappy.

All this acting out...

The pot smoking, the violence...

It just isn't you, and we feel that you need to spend some quality time thinking about the goals in your life and what kind of person you want to be.

What the hell are you talking about?

There's this place called camp hennessy.

It's designed for teenagers like yourself who have lost their way, and... you got to be kidding me.

They emphasize discipline and responsibility...

Two things you're sorely in need of.

Hopefully you won't have to be there for more than a few weeks.

You can stop this now. I'm not going to any stupid camp for juvenile delinquents.

We're ready.

I'm sorry, honey, but you don't have a choice.

Get your hands off of me!

Andrew, Andrew, it's no use fighting.

Now, these gentlemen are going to help you get dressed, and then they're going to drive you to the camp.

We can take it from here.

Wait, wait. Mom, mom, wait.

Please, I'm sorry, mom. Please.

Honey, it's going to be okay, I promise.

I know this was your idea.

Why, you little... Rex, stop it.


No matter what you say or do, I will always love you.

Let's go. Come on.

What's that for?

For being here.

For standing by me through this.

You don't know what it means to me, Rex.

It's been a long time since I felt like I had a real partner.

And it really helps, especially on a horrible morning like this.

Hey, alisa. Hey, Lily. How are you guys?

May I speak to you, please?

Um, sure. Boys, here.

Stay right there.

Yes, mom.

So how are you?

Dennis left me.


Dennis left me.


You told him to, you moron.

I'm sorry, what?

You talked to my husband about my marriage.

That's none of your business!

Alisa, stop. I can't understand you.

You're going to have to talk slower.


Dennis says you yelled at him for saying stuff behind my back.

Well, yeah.

And he said you told him our counseling wasn't working.

Yes, that's not exactly what I...

Where the hell do you come off telling people to stop going to counseling?

I didn't mean that you...

Sure, we have our share of problems...

Financial, emotional, sexual...

But we were solving them.

Alisa, come here.

Are you sure you want to be...

Saying these things in front of your daughter?

Now you're telling me how to raise my daughter?

Lily, we're coming back.



I am so sorry if I caused a problem.

I just wanted to help.

Why? Why do you want to help?

Well, because of the...

Oh, because I was deaf?

No, because your husband was being a total jerk.

And you just got to come in on your white horse and come to the rescue. Well, guess what...

I didn't need to be rescued. Got that?

I didn't need to be rescued.


Uh, she said...

Yes, thank you. I know what she just said.

I mean, one minute, we're making out in his truck, and the next thing I know, we're at the hospital, and the doctor's digging a bullet out of him.

It's just that when I started dating Mike, he seemed like such a normal guy, you know?

They always do.

You want to get some nachos?

I mean, obviously, I am not going to read the letter.

At some point, you just got to let it go, right?

Right. You mind if we leave off the jalapeños?

I'm not so good with spicy things.

I don't mean to be babbling. It's just really complicated, and there is so much about Mike you don't even know.

That would surprise me at this point.


Your foreman said that you were out on a date with a hottie.

Evidently, someone's in need of Lasik.

You tracked us down?

Well, it wasn't hard.

I just followed the stench of betrayal.

We had an agreement, Susan.

No, we didn't.

You know, I just said what you wanted to hear because you guilted me into it.

I was trying to protect our already fragile friendship.

Am I in the middle of something here?

Not anymore.

You I will hate forever.

And you are fired.

Edie. You're firing me because I'm going out with Susan?

Yes, and before you start whining that dating her is punishment enough, save it.

I suppose I could tell her you threw yourself at me.

You were lonely, you begged to have dinner, and I took pity on you.

Well, excuse me, but that...

That kind of makes it sound like it was my fault.

You can't possibly blame me. I'm not the one who fired you.

Right. You just chose not to tell me that Edie would be insanely mad if I went out with you.

Slow down. You're driving too fast.

You know, this is between you and Edie.

I just got sucked into the drama.

Yeah, I bet you tell yourself that all the time.

What does that mean?

You didn't get sucked into the drama.

You invited it in.

That's not true.

You spend the last hour obsessing over your ex-boyfriend even though he's a sketchy ex-con who very possibly strangled your neighbor.

Well, no, he didn't.

And Edie told you not to go out with me, but did you listen? No.

'Cause you saw the potential for disaster, and you just couldn't resist getting in there.

Okay, Mr. Let's-just-have-fun-

'cause-i'm-the-charming- casual-contractor man.

You chased me, so own it, my friend.

You didn't get that tire fixed, did you?

I was meaning to.

I guess I do invite the drama in...

Just a little.

Man on TV: Stocks closed up yesterday...

Tom, am I a bad person?

Dow Jones industrial average was up 30 to...

No. Why would you say that?

I don't know. I guess I just have it in my head that only bad people break up marriages and offend the handicapped.

I did try to warn you.

You did.

Why do I do it?

This compulsion to stick my nose where it doesn't belong.

Honey, you're just looking out for your friend.

Yeah, a lot of good it did her.

Hey, at least you tried.

I admire you for that.

Oh, please.

Hey, you know, I'm the guy who let Dennis badmouth his wife because I was afraid of making a scene.

But you, you knew it was wrong, and you let him have it. That's me...

I'm never afraid to create a scene.

Hey, honey, look... my point is that you have a strong sense of what is right, and you're not afraid to act on it.

And I admire you for that.

You know what I admire you for?

You find a way to compliment me when you could say "I told you so."

You just signed "I told you so," didn't you?

You'll never prove it.

Thanks for coming in, Mrs. Solis.

I believe you've met nurse heisel.

Yes. Hello... again.

Nurse heisel became quite attached to your mother-in-law.

That's why I asked her to be here for this.

First of all, I want you to understand that we consider our commitment to our patients a sacred trust.


Having said that, it appears there may... And I stress "may"...

Have been a breakdown in our chain of care.

I can assure you that we hold our staff to the highest standards in the industry, but we are only human, after all.

Honey, are you okay?

Nurse heisel, why don't you step out?

I'm so sorry.


We all share in your grief.


And we're hoping to alleviate any further pain your family may suffer by offering some...

Monetary compensation.

Provided you and your husband waive any future right to litigation, of course.

Monetary compensation.

Are you trying to buy us off?

Let's not get tangled up in legalese.

We like to think of it as an extension of our caring.

Well, in that case...

Care away.

Mr. Hartley, I have a hypothetical legal question for you.

I like to play the lottery, and I...

Ha ha. Yes, I know what the odds are, but I just love those scratch-offs.

Say I were to win...

I don't know, $1,600,000.

Would the government be able to take it like they took everything else?

That's what I thought.

The bastards.


What if we won the lottery after Carlos went to jail?

Could the government touch the money then?


I see.

And we could keep the house.

Ha ha.

Oh, no, I'm just at the grocery store wondering if I should buy a ticket.

Thanks a bunch, Mr. Hartley.

So what time should I bring Carlos to the d.A.'S office tomorrow?


Mary Alice: We all honor heroes for different reasons.

Sometimes for their daring...

Sometimes for their bravery...


Sometimes for their goodness.

I love you.

But mostly, we honor heroes because at one point or another, we all dream of being rescued.

Of course, if the right hero doesn't come along, sometimes we just have to rescue ourselves.